"men Dont Love Women Like You"

[ChasingBliss]

The underlying message I got from that part of the book is that women are always thinking that if they're just the "cool chick" and strive to be "low maintenance" (ie. not complaining when he's not living up to your standards) and give him undying love that the guy will stay with them, or will eventually elevate them into gf or wifey status. But what he's basically saying is that men would rather be HAPPY with the RIGHT woman and a little "uncomfortable", than with the WRONG woman in a "comfortable" situation.

In other words, love alone won't keep a man. A man wants a "challenge". They would rather leave the "comfortable" situation where a woman gives him undying love and seek out the woman that is "one of a kind". They want the one they have to "pull out of the stone" in other words.

YES, YES, YES. I could not have put this any better.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Dont y'all just love that this book is written by a man? I'm not sure I would have valued it if one of us wrote it. Men KNOW Men.

 

[hopeful]

Dont y'all just love that this book is written by a man? I'm not sure I would have valued it if one of us wrote it. Men KNOW Men.

I think because of the delivery. Only a man could get away with that language and not get the side eye. And the language WORKS, like poetry lol from him. Also only a man would have the advantage of hearing other men talk so cruelly about women. The uncle who said now that's one simple B. Watching relatives use and abuse women. He knows that men won't change on their own but will if women do. And women will only change if they hear the truth about men and how so many of them think.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

The only area I don't agree with is wanting to be an alpha woman, boss B. I feel more goddess-like, Queen-like vs Spartan-like. I would NEVER join a random man at his table, EVER. I would smile or maybe, big maybe, invite him to join me. Sitting down at his table or tapping him on the shoulder when he is talking is not me or my style. Way too forward. I'm also not sure I'd want an alpha male either, so many of them are controlling and narcissistic IMO. Other than that I loved just about every single thing about this book.

I haven't gotten to this part of the book yet, but I have to agree. I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. It's just not my style. I'm more the Goddess/Queen-like woman myself as well.

I guess each woman can decide for herself what is more her natural "vibe", but I think the information pertains to all of us, regardless of who we feel we are on the inside. Some women are just more bold in their personalities and can go up to a table of men like that. For me it's just not my style... or rather...I wouldn't feel like I was being my most authentic self doing that lol. I think it would come off as being a bit awkward for me.

I think the message is also what a woman wants is VERY IMPORTANT, we always focus on what a man wants but have you ever even considered whether this man is worthy of you.

YES!!

I think M/V On a Date brought this out too. Instead of a woman asking what she can do for a man, ask what a man can do for YOU!

"What does HE bring to the table?"
"Does he live up to MY standards??"
"Is he what I'm looking for in a serious relationship?"
"What qualities does he have?"

I think so many times we women forget that we ultimately are the prize.

Now I realize how in subtle ways I was trying to impress or "sell" myself on dates, and after reading this I'm like:

Dont y'all just love that this book is written by a man? I'm not sure I would have valued it if one of us wrote it. Men KNOW Men.

YES! I agree. I think the fact that this book was written by a man makes it that much more eye-opening.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I think because of the delivery. Only a man could get away with that language and not get the side eye. And the language WORKS, like poetry lol from him. Also only a man would have the advantage of hearing other men talk so cruelly about women. The uncle who said now that's one simple B. Watching relatives use and abuse women. He knows that men won't change on their own but will if women do. And women will only change if they hear the truth about men and how so many of them think.

That story really got to me because I know men who talk like this about women and these women are thinking he's really feeling them. He took advantage of all her hard special work, not to mention she was cooking for his crew too. She thought she was snagging a future husband and all the while he's thinking simple b. We really need to check ourselves. These special skills are not meant to snag no damn man. It's meant to be shared with the one who recognizes us as gamechangers. Once we have achieved gamechanger status. And as a married woman I include myself in this because my status could change at any time...and I will not sleep or settle. I dont want to wake up possibly divorced one day wondering where the hell did Chasingbliss go?

 

[Fine 4s]

[QUOTE="HappyMadison, I told him about me picking up strays and caring for them with no reciprocity. This is why I had to pump the brakes. I am being selfish. I am not hopping off my shelf to barter my worth. If I have to "Spartan Up," you, my dear, have to "Man Up."[/QUOTE]

@HappyMadison I would also add that you don't even need to explain this to him.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

That story really got to me because I know men who talk like this about women and these women are thinking he's really feeling them. He took advantage of all her hard special work, not to mention she was cooking for his crew too. She thought she was snagging a future husband and all the while he's thinking simple b. We really need to check ourselves. These special skills are not meant to snag no damn man. It's meant to be shared with the one who recognizes us as gamechangers. Once we have achieved gamechanger status. And as a married woman I include myself in this because my status could change at any time...and I will not sleep or settle. I dont want to wake up possibly divorced one day wondering where the hell did Chasingbliss go?

Yep...that story got to me too.

I see so many women who are baking cookies and muffins for single men (especially in church), and thinking and hoping and praying that this man will eventually "see the light" and want to make them his gf.... NOT! I've always felt from day one that women are wasting their time baking or cooking for a man who is not exclusively theirs.

It may sound harsh, but I will not be cooking a single thing for a man who is not my serious bf, or husband.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Not to mention....men are not going to choose you for your cooking skills. Men marry women who CANT cook every day.

 

[Flourishnikov]

The underlying message I got from that part of the book is that women are always thinking that if they're just the "cool chick" and strive to be "low maintenance" (ie. not complaining when he's not living up to your standards) and give him undying love that the guy will stay with them, or will eventually elevate them into gf or wifey status. But what he's basically saying is that men would rather be HAPPY with the RIGHT woman and a little "uncomfortable", than with the WRONG woman in a "comfortable" situation.

In other words, love alone won't keep a man. A man wants a "challenge". They would rather leave the "comfortable" situation where a woman gives him undying love and seek out the woman that is "one of a kind". They want the one they have to "pull out of the stone" in other words.

Well said and quoted for emphasis.

 

[HappyMadison]

[QUOTE="HappyMadison, I told him about me picking up strays and caring for them with no reciprocity. This is why I had to pump the brakes. I am being selfish. I am not hopping off my shelf to barter my worth. If I have to "Spartan Up," you, my dear, have to "Man Up."

@HappyMadison I would also add that you don't even need to explain this to him.[/QUOTE]
We were having one of our deep talks and I mentioned the stray thing. That was from a previous loose lip discussion. This part was more of an aside.

 

[Kimbosheart]

"Men would rather be happy than comfortable" or something like that....

AND SO SHOULD WOMEN.

I tell this to clients all the time. A man will pay you his entire salary to get out of an unhappy marriage. They might complain about being broke or her taking half his hard work but ultimately they will not sacrifice happiness for comfort. And to wives, if your husband is truly ready to go he will pay whatever you need in child support to help facilitate his leaving you easier and faster.

I think TQC does ultimately elevate women, BUT she doesn't take into account that the woman's picker might be off or the man might be so damaged that it makes him dangerous to her mental/physical/emotional health.

The problem with TQC is that it's predicated on an ideal scenario where the woman is already healthy and has already chosen an emotionally healthy man and is trying to learn how to communicate better. I think of this as more of a prequel to TQC where you fix your picker if it's broken and weed out the undesirables to set yourself up for success.

Thanks. I agree with this. I don't think TQC is telling any woman to be a doormat but if a woman is not with a good man or in the ideal scenarios she portrays then it won't work or could be more harmful or work on the woman's part.

But you do need the precursor of this book. To have a strong sense of self and purpose and an idea of what you want in a man to be a good picker. That's the strategy part. Then you can employ tactics like TQC. I'm part corporate so these words work for me. Tactics rarely work long term outside of a solid strategy.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Not to mention....men are not going to choose you for your cooking skills. Men marry women who CANT cook every day.

Say it again for those who can't hear it in the back! I loved that because although I can, I'm not the type to do it everyday or get fancy with it and there's an implication both IRL and on this board that if you don't you'll be single forever.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Say it again for those who can't hear it in the back! I loved that because although I can, I'm not the type to do it everyday or get fancy with it and there's an implication both IRL and on this board that if you don't you'll be single forever.

Yup. He also said that being bad in bed is also not a deal breaker. Good sex and food come a dime a dozen...just look at the described "simple B"... there tons of women like her out here competing to be better than other women to snag men...to snag even other people's men.

Cooking and sex skills can be taught. Are you a GAME CHANGER?

 

[ladysaraii]

I tell this to clients all the time. A man will pay you his entire salary to get out of an unhappy marriage. They might complain about being broke or her taking half his hard work but ultimately they will not sacrifice happiness for comfort. And to wives, if your husband is truly ready to go he will pay whatever you need in child support to help facilitate his leaving you easier and faster.

.

I remember my high school Latin teacher saying this. She said that if a man wants to go, a woman would be much better off agreeing and not trying to fight it b/c 1) chances are, he's gonna leave anyway and 2) he'll be much more willing to pay early on.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Let me summarize as best I can. Another snippet that spoke to my past thinking.

You think you are going to get a pass because you are loyal and you love him and youre a good woman. He has always been loved. His mother loved him, his girlfriends before you loved him. True devoted love is not hard for a man to get. What else you got?

 

[Fine 4s]

Let me summarize as best I can. Another snippet that spoke to my past thinking.

You think you are going to get a pass because you are loyal and you love him and youre a good woman. He has always been loved. His mother loved him, his girlfriends before you loved him. True devoted love is not hard for a man to get. What else you got?

Can you tattoo this on my forehead please?
Thanks.
I too LOVED this.

 

[hopeful]

Let me summarize as best I can. Another snippet that spoke to my past thinking.

You think you are going to get a pass because you are loyal and you love him and youre a good woman. He has always been loved. His mother loved him, his girlfriends before you loved him. True devoted love is not hard for a man to get. What else you got?

This hit me too. Our love means less to them than we realize because it is abundant but also because they get excited and high off other things that don't mean squat to us.

 

[JFemme]

Needing a moment to catch my breath and thoughts

Lawd

 

[ChasingBliss]

This hit me too. Our love means less to them than we realize because it is abundant but also because they get excited and high off other things that don't mean squat to us.

Yup. In one of his blogs he said men dont look at love the way we do, they see it as an entitlement.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Needing a moment to catch my breath and thoughts

Lawd

LOL I've had this book on repeat since the day I posted about it. I am thinking about recommending it to some of my clients as well. I already know which ones could handle the language and would likely be receptive to it.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I haven't finished reading yet but I understand how it can seem depressing. Reality is a big, hard, nasty pill to swallow. It can make you very uncomfortable. But at one point he says robbers shouldn't rob, but they do, so we lock our doors. We don't get depressed about locking the doors to our houses or cars. Some of us feel good about having a security system on our car and house. We don't whine about it or talk about it endlessly, we just accept reality and are grateful to have safeguards. But our precious hearts and bodies we want to leave open to hurt and abuse? Want to trust that everything will work out fine, God will send the right guy, the Lord will keep us safe. But we don't leave the front door to our house open and trust God to protect us while we sleep. Our lives, hearts, and bodies are far more valuable than a car, a house, or it's furnishings, and yet many of us don't protect them like we should. It is irresponsible, unkind, and naive for me to not protect me.

What I tole ya'll bout how I feel bout @hopeful 's posts.

I bought this damn audiobook the same day as my last post in this thread and am still struggling through Thomas Jefferson a-- telling me bout being selfish and whatnot in chapter 1 or 2. It may take me a while but I'll finish and check back in with my thoughts. I'm very interested in this chapter 6 ya'll speak of but my OCD won't let me skip ahead.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Yup. He also said that being bad in bed is also not a deal breaker. Good sex and food come a dime a dozen...just look at the described "simple B"... there tons of women like her out here competing to be better than other women to snag men...to snag even other people's men.

Cooking and sex skills can be taught. Are you a GAME CHANGER?

The implication of both of these statements is that men who choose or eliminate women based on them are not Kings. Therefore they are not worthy of our attention as Spartan Queens.

 

[hopeful]

What I tole ya'll bout how I feel bout @hopeful 's posts.

I bought this damn audiobook the same day as my last post in this thread and am still struggling through Thomas Jefferson a-- telling me bout being selfish and whatnot in chapter 1 or 2. It may take me a while but I'll finish and check back in with my thoughts. I'm very interested in this chapter 6 ya'll speak of but my OCD won't let me skip ahead.

You are too funny . Thank you for the warm fuzzies. Going through a lot right now and can use every hug and compliment .

 

[hopeful]

Yup. In one of his blogs he said men dont look at love the way we do, they see it as an entitlement.

What in the entire F, again, I didn't get the full effect until you said entitlement. Pisses me off even more now .

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Let me summarize as best I can. Another snippet that spoke to my past thinking.

You think you are going to get a pass because you are loyal and you love him and youre a good woman. He has always been loved. His mother loved him, his girlfriends before you loved him. True devoted love is not hard for a man to get. What else you got?

EXACTLY

This hit me too. Our love means less to them than we realize because it is abundant but also because they get excited and high off other things that don't mean squat to us.

Yep!

Plus, I have always heard it stated that men treasure and value RESPECT more than even love. That quote has always stuck with me. This book puts things in perspective even more.

Yup. In one of his blogs he said men dont look at love the way we do, they see it as an entitlement.

YES!

It has finally dawned on me that most men (in general) are born out of the womb being "loved". Therefore they walk around with that entitlement (as you mentioned). Just look at how some mothers have an attachment to their sons. Men fight the wars. Men are given (usually) more privileges and respect than women in society. Men are usually held in high regard in the world. It's no WONDER they feel like they're the cat's meow. Meanwhile women are being fed the "insecure lie" most of their lives smh.

Men don't need more love and coddling lol...

I also thought it was an eye-opener how he mentioned that men don't ever worry that they will never find "the one". They just know she will come one day. Oh how I wish we as women could adopt this care-free attitude... It's so hard though.

 

[hopeful]

Needing a moment to catch my breath and thoughts

Lawd

Girl ...

 

[ChasingBliss]

I also thought it was an eye-opener how he mentioned that men don't ever worry that they will never find "the one". They just know she will come one day. Oh how I wish we as women could adopt this care-free attitude... It's so hard though.

Nope they just use it as a line to pull in more placeholders for the team. They know she will jump through hoops trying to be "the one" trying to out do the others...when all a long NONE of them are.

 

[Kimbosheart]

Nope they just use it as a line to pull in more placeholders for the team. They know she will jump through hoops trying to be "the one" trying to out do the others...when all a long NONE of them are.

I took a moment to write down what I want and define my spartan image. Mary Crawly on Downton Abbey is one of the characters who embody some of the qualities I want to highlight in my personality. But she was the female version of this. She waited and waited until she found one who could match her energy, for her "one", but them other men jumped through hoops to be her one and she was completely nonchalant.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Nope they just use it as a line to pull in more placeholders for the team. They know she will jump through hoops trying to be "the one" trying to out do the others...when all a long NONE of them are.

Yep... it happens all the time...

I wish I could give this book to all teenage black girls growing up. The world has really done us (I feel) a disfavor the most. I see it so clearly now while reading this book. But that doesn't mean we can't overcome. That doesn't mean that we're just destined to be "peasants" forever. We can be "Spartans".

I feel like if bw were to take this book in and learn true love of self and self worth, we would be freaking unstoppable. Seriously... But society has done such a number on us. It really takes a serious de-programming of sorts to combat all of the negative information about women (esp. women of color) out here today.

I'm so glad I'm reading this book! So many good gems.

 

[lux10023]

That's the thing with me to -the balance

Dh has always said he loves my feisty nature he even admitted one night while we were sitting talking in the car that he likes *****y lux
( as I didn't wanna be to *****y with him lol after all he is my hubs)

But contrary to popular belief I am sweet as sugar with him
He is so good to me that I would cater to his every whim but then he will try me Lmaoooo in his husband way and there you will get *****y but sweet lux it's a balance i tell ya lmaoooo

I can agree with the bolded. But I also think it depends. Some like that fire but if it's not done right it can border on emasculating depending on what and how you say it. I've seen this especially in married couples or where the woman starts scolding the man. It's really a balance. I can naturally be very witty and feisty with men, but I've noticed I've tempered that a lot with my SO and it's starting to come out of me. He really tries it sometimes. But the thing is he sees me as this sweet little innocent thing, it's time to start checking him. It will be finding that balance between checking him/speaking my opinion in my natural witty way and yet still being affectionate.