"men Dont Love Women Like You"

[michelle81]

I have a problem seeing or visualizing what this kind of stuff looks like. I just don't get it. I'm a visual person. Like I was reading the chapter on the disrespect from family on his side. Of course I struggle with that so it hit home for me.

Excerpts from the chapter:
-The moment a man fails to come to your aid in dealing with his people, then there is nothing to be handled because he has proven to lack the true heart of a man you could one day marry. You didn't give up on him, he gave up on you.
-If you can't stand up to a person's family now, you won't do it later.

Aight that's easier said that done. You'd break up with every guy you met if you did the first bullet because it's something wrong with every single one of them: money issues, credit, past relationships, personality differences, growing up trying to find their place in the workplace so money issues, previous children. It's MAJOR flaws in every woman and man. Is this my flaw? That I believe this way?

I agree with the second bullet. And I agree that a "Spartan" would never say either you handle it or I will because it's still putting the focus on you and letting him off easy while it is HIS job...but what does it look like to woman up? What does it look like if you figure some of this stuff out AFTER you're in a long term relationship? What now?

I don't think it's ever too late to say that what you accepted in the past will no longer work and something's got to change, now. That's what I see a Spartan doing.
Kind of like some of the older people say, "This is a hill I will die on" - meaning "This is something I absolutely will no longer accept, let's get counseling or somehow work this out".

I dealt with a mama's boy once. It's awful. I understand the mom's part because a lot of moms seem to have trouble letting go of their son's, but it rests solely on the sons to put a stop to it. Having the woman try to handle it is unnecessary, causes more tension and let's him off the hook.

 

[hopeful]

...
What does it look like if you figure some of this stuff out AFTER you're in a long term relationship? What now?

I think the hard part is that there is no easy answer. You either suck it up and accept that he may never stand up for you. Let go of the fantasy that he is going to magically change or that you will be able to do or say the perfect thing to get him to understand how important and valuable you are, how you deserve protecting. You wake up and see things for what they are and make peace with it. It is very scary to be married to a man who does not protect you. He is not doing his job but is also preventing anyone else from doing it.

The other option is to make a stand for you. To envision a different life for yourself and figure out how to make that happen.

The option you want does not exist. No one can say if you say/do a,b, and c then everything will work out and he will see the light. No one can say my husband never protected me but over time he changed and got it, now everything is fine and I feel so safe. Certain behaviors seem to never change. Men who don't work consistently, don't protect, who cheat, etc. generally don't change. No one can tell you what to do. They can only share general advice. No one is in your shoes, experiencing those moments when your big, strong husband shrinks and does nothing to make sure you feel protected. No one will be in your shoes if you give him an ultimatum and he says no, I choose my family of origin over you. No one will be in your shoes if you left him with a new baby in tow trying to make your way in the world without him.

Bottomline every option is hard and brings with it some pain. Womaning up entails waking up and accepting that life is hard, that there are no easy answers, and that you and only you can decide what is best for you.

I will also add that you must forgive yourself for making the choices you've made and will make. You were and are are doing the best you can. Be gentle and kind to you.

 

[miss cosmic]

I have a problem seeing or visualizing what this kind of stuff looks like. I just don't get it. I'm a visual person. Like I was reading the chapter on the disrespect from family on his side. Of course I struggle with that so it hit home for me.

Excerpts from the chapter:
-The moment a man fails to come to your aid in dealing with his people, then there is nothing to be handled because he has proven to lack the true heart of a man you could one day marry. You didn't give up on him, he gave up on you.
-If you can't stand up to a person's family now, you won't do it later.

Aight that's easier said that done. You'd break up with every guy you met if you did the first bullet because it's something wrong with every single one of them: money issues, credit, past relationships, personality differences, growing up trying to find their place in the workplace so money issues, previous children. It's MAJOR flaws in every woman and man. Is this my flaw? That I believe this way?

I agree with the second bullet. And I agree that a "Spartan" would never say either you handle it or I will because it's still putting the focus on you and letting him off easy while it is HIS job...but what does it look like to woman up? What does it look like if you figure some of this stuff out AFTER you're in a long term relationship? What now?

Yes you're right everybody has flaws but the point is, what can YOU live with? You're not looking for the perfect man, you're looking for the man that's perfect for YOU. That's why the book starts with sorting yourself out first, because if you don't know who you are and what you want, you (general you) give up a lot of power by not defining your values and setting your standards.

The point is - know what YOU want and what YOUR deal-breakers are, and then evaluate each man on his own merit.

 

[miss cosmic]

I think the hard part is that there is no easy answer. You either suck it up and accept that he may never stand up for you. Let go of the fantasy that he is going to magically change or that you will be able to do or say the perfect thing to get him to understand how important and valuable you are, how you deserve protecting. You wake up and see things for what they are and make peace with it. It is very scary to be married to a man who does not protect you. He is not doing his job but is also preventing anyone else from doing it.

The other option is to make a stand for you. To envision a different life for yourself and figure out how to make that happen.

The option you want does not exist. No one can say if you say/do a,b, and c then everything will work out and he will see the light. No one can say my husband never protected me but over time he changed and got it, now everything is fine and I feel so safe. Certain behaviors seem to never change. Men who don't work consistently, don't protect, who cheat, etc. generally don't change. No one can tell you what to do. They can only share general advice. No one is in your shoes, experiencing those moments when your big, strong husband shrinks and does nothing to make sure you feel protected. No one will be in your shoes if you give him an ultimatum and he says no, I choose my family of origin over you. No one will be in your shoes if you left him with a new baby in tow trying to make your way in the world without him.

Bottomline every option is hard and brings with it some pain. Womaning up entails waking up and accepting that life is hard, that there are no easy answers, and that you and only you can decide what is best for you.

I will also add that you must forgive yourself for making the choices you've made and will make. You were and are are doing the best you can. Be gentle and kind to you.

I think this is an excellent answer.
I will also add - read the book Boundaries. It talks about how the person that first needs to change is you, not the other person. You need to do some work as well to figure out why/how you've been tolerating whatever treatment that must now change, and work on your first. You also need to take responsibility and be empowered, and that book really helps break it down and show how we are sometimes unconsciously complicit in people treating us badly.
It's written from a Christian perspective just fyi, but not in the in-your-face way that makes Christian literature unpalatable.

 

[movingforward13]

Thoughts?

I posted about this before on another thread- (that stealing man thread) - no one responded to it.
I see what he is saying but I personally don't have time for taken men- even if they are perfect for me. Reason being, if a man can't take the time and be single - why should I want him. If he knows the woman is wrong for him but stays until he finds someone else to replace her, that says a lot about his character. I don't want a man who needs a bed warmer... I want someone who is confident on his own and will end a relationship the right way out of his free will. I don't want someone that I have to tell to leave his girl- do that **** on your own. When you see greatness, you get in line and get your sh!t together. If you can't recognize and do that- you weren't for me.
Plus- feelings are a hard thing to die and men are good at "begging". Don't for once believe he won't be talking to her again while with the new chick, especially when he is arguing/fighting with the new one.

Plus people need to breath between relationships- I don't want to waste my time being a rebound if I am looking to get married. Makes for a harder marriage later when husband realizes he was just using one girl to get over another, instead of really liking the one he has.

That said, maybe I am asking for too much- unicorn-like. But I know three men that were/are completely single before getting into relationships.

 

[nlamr2013]

I was just thinking about bringing this up.

As taboo as it is, looking at many of the long-term couples I know of-- old and young-- many of those relationships started while one or both were already seeing other people (not married or engaged). It's just something most people don't talk about or admit to. Once I know a guy is in a relationship, I'm completely turned off. But men do not think this way. If a man wants a woman, he will continue to pursue her even if she's in a relationship already. But men aren't called homewreckers for pursuing taken women who aren't married. If they catch her-- they are called winners. This is probably why men have fewer single,dry spells than women.

My father used to tell me and my older sister that no man is ever really single. A true bachelor is rare over a certain age-- a man is always seeing someone on some level. Men date like Tarzan-- they never let go of one vine without having a firm grasp on the next. I didn't believe him until I saw this play out with my own eyes. My male friends would be in a relationship with one woman while pursuing a relationship with the next. Weeks later he'd dump the current girl to focus on the new one-- and the new girl would be none the wiser to any of it.

My father used to also tell us that it's easier to get a man when you already have a man.

I wonder if it could be cultural and generational as well? My South American female friends date like this. This always overlap their men and they have no qualms about entertaining a man who already has a girlfriend. Reading some old school literature reveals the same practice. Nobody took a relationship seriously if it wasn't marriage. I like my men single (to my knowledge) but overlapping isn't as uncommon as many make it seem.

I've always subscribed to the single until married way of thinking and You know what I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that I don't mind overlapping if there's nothing attached to the relationship. ie they can't have kids together, a place together, something where if we start dating heavily she has a reason to be trying to pop back up.

 

[awhyley]

It is very scary to be married to a man who does not protect you. He is not doing his job but is also preventing anyone else from doing it.

Highlighting for emphasis. This is so sad, but its why its so important to find that man who is the protector that you need.

@hopeful, you always bring the good sense. Glad to see this thread still going strong.

 

[OnMyThrone]

If you lived in ny I would be sitting down with you monthly to talk always great sound advice...

I think the hard part is that there is no easy answer. You either suck it up and accept that he may never stand up for you. Let go of the fantasy that he is going to magically change or that you will be able to do or say the perfect thing to get him to understand how important and valuable you are, how you deserve protecting. You wake up and see things for what they are and make peace with it. It is very scary to be married to a man who does not protect you. He is not doing his job but is also preventing anyone else from doing it.

The other option is to make a stand for you. To envision a different life for yourself and figure out how to make that happen.

The option you want does not exist. No one can say if you say/do a,b, and c then everything will work out and he will see the light. No one can say my husband never protected me but over time he changed and got it, now everything is fine and I feel so safe. Certain behaviors seem to never change. Men who don't work consistently, don't protect, who cheat, etc. generally don't change. No one can tell you what to do. They can only share general advice. No one is in your shoes, experiencing those moments when your big, strong husband shrinks and does nothing to make sure you feel protected. No one will be in your shoes if you give him an ultimatum and he says no, I choose my family of origin over you. No one will be in your shoes if you left him with a new baby in tow trying to make your way in the world without him.

Bottomline every option is hard and brings with it some pain. Womaning up entails waking up and accepting that life is hard, that there are no easy answers, and that you and only you can decide what is best for you.

I will also add that you must forgive yourself for making the choices you've made and will make. You were and are are doing the best you can. Be gentle and kind to you.

 

[Atthatday]

@hopeful: I ENJOY Ms. Hopeful's wisdom and perspectives!!!!!

 

[caribeandiva]

@hopeful should write a book. I would buy it!

 

[hopeful]

Highlighting for emphasis. This is so sad, but its why its so important to find that man who is the protector that you need.

@hopeful, you always bring the good sense. Glad to see this thread still going strong.

If you lived in ny I would be sitting down with you monthly to talk always great sound advice...

@hopeful: I ENJOY Ms. Hopeful's wisdom and perspectives!!!!!

@hopeful should write a book. I would buy it!

You guys are so sweet.

 

[caribeandiva]

I've been flipping through Solving Single... it's not a bad read. I think it compliments MDLWLY well.

I decided to buy the kindle version of Solving single. I'm glad I did because he explains a some things I was a little unclear on. He gives a lot of background information about himself, the term basica, and dating mistakes to avoid. For someone like me who was unfamiliar with his work it would've been a good place to start. I think MDLWLY is the main dish while Solving Single is the appetizer. It's like he took all his blog posts and put them all together to make a book. So if you don't wanna spend the money start there.

 

[okange76]

Ladies, I have a question. With all this self improvement work we are doing? How are we going to find comparable mates? Are men really putting in the same effort to improve themselves? I worry that the best version of ourselves will have slim pickings to choose from after all is said and done.
Looking at all the broken men we know in our lives and see on TV who are in denial over their situations, how are we going to over come their obstacles if they are unwilling to deal?

 

[movingforward13]

Ladies, I have a question. With all this self improvement work we are doing? How are we going to find comparable mates? Are men really putting in the same effort to improve themselves? I worry that the best version of ourselves will have slim pickings to choose from after all is said and done.
Looking at all the broken men we know in our lives and see on TV who are in denial over their situations, how are we going to over come their obstacles if they are unwilling to deal?

Right...
I just wrote a dissertation to your response but I erased it because simply this is exactly how I feel. There are many guys everywhere but quality men willing to do his work to understand and heal himself... I have met 4 in my lifetime. The rest were in denial and didn't see how their actions and choices were destroying their relationships.

I am going to do the work on myself so that I am not needy, codependent, desperate, etc. But doing so I am accepting the reality that these men too have problems and issues. They aren't perfect. They aren't Gods. They do not have golden d!cks for me to worship.
If they are unwilling do to THEIR work then I am prepared to be alone; mentally and emotionally healthy. As much as I would like to be married- I just want peace and harmony in my life. And I don't need a life partner to get that.

 

[hopeful]

...
Are men really putting in the same effort to improve themselves?

I don't think so. Most won't get therapy, be honest, read a book about relationships or anything.

Great reply @movingforward13.

 

[LoveisYou]

One of the best takeaways for me from this book is that I'm more open and direct about what I want and what I don't want. I have become so much better at having the tough/vulnerable conversations and seriously, I really have to thank the book for that.

 

[hopeful]

Solving Single is excellent! I like that it's so honest about fantasies and fairytales, but still saying don't settle. I agree that it's a good prerequisite for MDLWLY.

 

[sweetvi]

I just looked through my kindle and realized I already have the book solving single!!!! Im so excited!! I will be rereading this again...

 

[sgold04]

I think I'll purchase Solving Single, I'm having a hard time applying these principles when I really like someone. In every other aspect of my life, I'm a Spartan--Le baddest chick--but matters of the heart? No bueno. I always have suitors, but I'm not interested in 99.99999% of them, but that sliver I do like has me reverting to basica.

 

[LovelyRo]

I just read the part of Solving Single where he talks about being the Spartan of your crew... I'm definitely her. I just found that interesting.

I also have a difficult time being a Spartan when I'm in like and when I'm upset. I've compromised more than I should have (with the one that I like) and then he didn't show up for me...

I had the urge to say f dating again but, I recently realized that I spent my early 30's doing that and I want to be married. So, I'm going to keep trying until I get it right. Dude can kick rocks though!

 

[sweetvi]

I just read the part of Solving Single where he talks about being the Spartan of your crew... I'm definitely her. I just found that interesting.

I also have a difficult time being a Spartan when I'm in like and when I'm upset. I've compromised more than I should have (with the one that I like) and then he didn't show up for me...

I had the urge to say f dating again but, I recently realized that I spent my early 30's doing that and I want to be married. So, I'm going to keep trying until I get it right. Dude can kick rocks though!

That's me !! Now my mentality is to keep putting myself out there...

 

[caribeandiva]

I just read the part of Solving Single where he talks about being the Spartan of your crew... I'm definitely her. I just found that interesting

I think I am the Spartan in my crew too. But why does his description in Solving Single make me sound like such a *****

 

[SpiritJunkie]

My curiosity got the best of me last night and now I know what this thread is so long. I bought the audio this morning & listened while i was on the road. Not done yet. I was shaking my head at a few things because he is sooooo on point. I'm going to read through every post then come back with more thoughts...

 

[SpiritJunkie]

I've been reading the BGAE blog the last few days and have come up with a bit of a realization.

I don't believe a man's desire to commit comes from a place of genuine emotional attachment or "love" as women define it. That is our arena. Men aren't wired that way. It comes from a desire to possess something he views as valuable and essential to his happiness and well-being. It doesn't stop there. To possess is the first step. The main goal is to have you exclusively for himself. When a man finds a woman whose presence in his life makes him feel like losing her permanently (to another man) would directly affect his happiness-- that's his Game Changer. He's willing to do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening. Competition. I hate to think of it in terms of a woman being something a man owns or possesses, but I believe men subconsciously feel that way.

There is nothing you can do to make a man want to possess you to that level. You're either it or you're not. You can cook and do laundry all you want, but if he feels like you aren't his GC, then losing you to another man only means he has to replace your laundry services with a laundromat, and he has to hit up his mom for home cooked meals. Losing a woman who isn't his GC doesn't shake up his world. When you start to demand things that are above the threshold of what he's willing to do to keep you off the market, it's worth the risk for him to be free of you so he can find the one that he feels can't be replaced. Your job is to qualify, observe, and force him to reveal the truth sooner without getting too attached until you know where he stands.

This has been the hardest pill for me to swallow but it is liberating in a sense. Men don't play fair... they play to win. Women should do the same. I'm not playing fair anymore.

I'm behind ladies... Just catching up.

This post is Gold ... Our strategies are so different but the end results are the same. Once we are clear on this we will have a lot more success in this area. Thank you for the clarity.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I've been reading the BGAE blog the last few days and have come up with a bit of a realization.

I don't believe a man's desire to commit comes from a place of genuine emotional attachment or "love" as women define it. That is our arena. Men aren't wired that way. It comes from a desire to possess something he views as valuable and essential to his happiness and well-being. It doesn't stop there. To possess is the first step. The main goal is to have you exclusively for himself. When a man finds a woman whose presence in his life makes him feel like losing her permanently (to another man) would directly affect his happiness-- that's his Game Changer. He's willing to do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening. Competition. I hate to think of it in terms of a woman being something a man owns or possesses, but I believe men subconsciously feel that way.

There is nothing you can do to make a man want to possess you to that level. You're either it or you're not. You can cook and do laundry all you want, but if he feels like you aren't his GC, then losing you to another man only means he has to replace your laundry services with a laundromat, and he has to hit up his mom for home cooked meals. Losing a woman who isn't his GC doesn't shake up his world. When you start to demand things that are above the threshold of what he's willing to do to keep you off the market, it's worth the risk for him to be free of you so he can find the one that he feels can't be replaced. Your job is to qualify, observe, and force him to reveal the truth sooner without getting too attached until you know where he stands.

This has been the hardest pill for me to swallow but it is liberating in a sense. Men don't play fair... they play to win. Women should do the same. I'm not playing fair anymore.

How did I miss this one??! I agree with allaadiss.

Also, this to me describes an Alpha male. A Beta will fall in love and have emotional attachments.

 

[caribeandiva]

A Beta will fall in love and have emotional attachments.

Really?

 

[ChasingBliss]

Really?

In my experience yes. Maybe not all of them...but they may be more emo than an alpha. Only strong emotions I ever saw coming from an Alpha is anger.

 

[caribeandiva]

In my experience yes. Maybe not all of them...but they may be more emo than an alpha. Only strong emotions I ever saw coming from an Alpha is anger.

true

 

[LoveisYou]

I disagree regarding emotional attachment/connection. It is soooooooooooooooooooooooo important, which is why the author emphasizes having REAL conversations and asking REAL questions, and also getting a man to open up beyond shallow conversations. While he doesn't describe it as such, he emphasizes real intimacy. Men want romance with the right women for them remember he talks about men in history who wrote poems, cross oceans and started war because they loved a woman.

 

[sweetvi]

Im loving Solving Single!! I forgot how many gems r in there!!. How r u guys holding up with the book?