'marrying Down' Costs Educated Women $25k A Year

[LaBelleLL]

He's focused on the DMV area with pursuits to enter government or to teach. This brother may not be starting off at where most (in this thread) would want, but it would be downright silly for any woman to not see this man's potential and invest in his vision, too.

He is definitely personable, and socially active - just a huge proponent of giving back and helping uplift his people. There were potentials at NYU but not that were of particular interest to him, he tells me. He's exclusively looking for a sister though, and has only had two serious relationships in his lifetime. I consider him another Urkel, lol.

I wouldn't worry about him. If he truly wants to marry a black woman, he definitely will.

And so long as he knows to act right if his wife ends up making more.

Girl you know I respect you and your opinions. But I think what's missing from your line of thinking is what happens after women get with men who make considerably less money than them. I have heard countless stories of men acting up, becoming insecure, and just making this a point of contention - all because it starts to wear on them as men. This is not ok. And it happens. And these women aren't disrespectful and do not rub it in their faces or anything. The men just begin to feel some type of way.

I think the more educated the man is and the more he loves his work - the less likely (a little bit) this can happen. But it's still something that can happen.

Rlnships aren't easy. If there are women who would rather deal with something else (obviously nothing illegal or unhealthy), while he is making money, I find nothing ridiculous about it.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

What about the brothers that have the degrees but are making less because they wish to go into civil rights or pursue teaching (which, honestly, doesn't even pay that much starting out - 50/60k salaries to start as an assistant professor) (look at President Obama)?

What about the brothers that have the vision, are in school/returning to school but don't have the bank yet?

It's not always so black and white. I always think of the Tyler Perrys', Chris Gardners' and Steve Harveys' of the world that had nothing when they started out, and in almost all those situations, the women in their lives left them.

Also, just because a man is making at or more than you, does not necessarily mean he is willing to spend on you or hold it down. So many assumptions are being made in this thread. Nothing is a given.

People are forever trying to compare Barack with the average guy. Barack was never average.
He was born in Hawaii and raised in Jakarta, Kansas, and Chicago. He went to Columbia, then Harvard Law and was president of Law Review.
Stop comparing Barack to guys from University of Phoenix & Thomas Jefferson Law School.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

This brother, below, is a dear friend of mine. He has a great number of degrees, a Morehouse graduate, but is another Obama in the making. He isn't going to be making the bank and he doesn't care about the money, though, desires to be with a black woman only. According to this thread, marrying this brother will be marrying down on the basis of his salary alone and desire to pursue a career that doesn't pay a six-figure salary, even though he has such options easily. I find that ridiculous.

View attachment 383103

This is not marrying down-whatever his salary. His work ethic and education and goals combined are currency.

 

[LaBelleLL]

This is not marrying down-whatever his salary. His work ethic and education and goals combined are currency.

But cmon. Let's read through the lines here. He has a few lateral degrees. Are those pre law school degrees paid for? What happened to his org? Did it fold? Is it active and does it have prestige to lead to other opportunities?

Why do all this work just to go and teach? Is there something else on the horizon?

Gov work is a good look and the thing to do in DC. He will have a stable job and get a few raises. But then he will his the salary cap which is fine.

I think he is doing well and will find the right person for him. But his chosen path has me asking a lot of questions and I understand if another woman (for partnership purposes) has those same questions.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

What is the baseline? Is it 25k less than a comparable woman married to a man who earns more, or 25k less than a comparable woman who is unmarried?

Stop getting caught in semantics. A couple making $100k vs $75k won't have the same challenges as couple making $50k vs $25k that live in NY. Baseline is anyone who can't afford your current lifestyle whatever it may be.

What about the brothers that have the degrees but are making less because they wish to go into civil rights or pursue teaching (which, honestly, doesn't even pay that much starting out - 50/60k salaries to start as an assistant professor) (look at President Obama)?

What about the brothers that have the vision, are in school/returning to school but don't have the bank yet?

It's not always so black and white. I always think of the Tyler Perrys', Chris Gardners' and Steve Harveys' of the world that had nothing when they started out, and in almost all those situations, the women in their lives left them.

Also, just because a man is making at or more than you, does not necessarily mean he is willing to spend on you or hold it down. So many assumptions are being made in this thread. Nothing is a given.

He's focused on the DMV area with pursuits to enter government or to teach. This brother may not be starting off at where most (in this thread) would want, but it would be downright silly for any woman to not see this man's potential and invest in his vision, too.

He is definitely personable, and socially active - just a huge proponent of giving back and helping uplift his people. There were potentials at NYU but not that were of particular interest to him, he tells me. He's exclusively looking for a sister though, and has only had two serious relationships in his lifetime. I consider him another Urkel, lol.

For all the positives you've listed your friend certainly isn't a marriage able catch for every woman. Being married to a cause doesn't pay bills and every woman isn't cut out to be Betty or Coretta and live life essentially as a single woman while he slays dragons for no pay. His desire & intention to be committed to a cause severely cuts into his willingness to be there for any potential family. He may be a good man on paper but I'd certainly caution any younger sister with goals of staying home a few years to pop out some kids to seriously question your friend before making any long term serious plans. Being a good man does not equal being a good husband, father, partner or provider. With all his education, surely he can figure out a way to create a program that does good for the community while providing baseline salary and benefits. Planning to be broke with all them degrees makes no sense. This is 2016 not 1966. Activism should not be used as a cover for living off of donations.

 

[Rastafarai]

But cmon. Let's read through the lines here. He has a few lateral degrees. Are those pre law school degrees paid for? What happened to his org? Did it fold? Is it active and does it have prestige to lead to other opportunities?

Why do all this work just to go and teach? Is there something else on the horizon?

Gov work is a good look and the thing to do in DC. He will have a stable job and get a few raises. But then he will his the salary cap which is fine.

I think he is doing well and will find the right person for him. But his chosen path has me asking a lot of questions and I understand if another woman (for partnership purposes) has those same questions.

Heads up: My friend was recruited by the first African-American U.S. magistrate judge to serve as an Exec. Director of this new grassroots organization. He was tapped into by those from black upper echelon societies.

But he won't be making that high salary coming out.

Not sure of the status of his education loans. With a 3-7 - 3.9 GPAs from Morehouse and Stanford, I'm sure he has had a number of merit scholarships to lower his debt load.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

So what is considered more? Or decent? 50k? 60k? That isn't even cutting it on the East Coast and some parts of the West Coast.

Decent depends on your age, where you live, if you have debt and/or children.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

People are forever trying to compare Barack with the average guy. Barack was never average.
He was born in Hawaii and raised in Jakarta, Kansas, and Chicago. He went to Columbia, then Harvard Law and was president of Law Review.
Stop comparing Barack to guys from University of Phoenix & Thomas Jefferson Law School.

Say this again for the people in the back.

Also Michelle was 28 when they were married. Stop pushing 30, 35, 40+ year old dudes as if they are Harvard Law Review Barack with potential and plenty financial options. The false equivalency is maddening! She would NOT have given the same leeway if she was 35 when they met and all he had to offer was potential.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Community activism...founded a civil rights grassroots organization - has degrees from Morehouse, Stanford, and most recently NYU Law. And despite his credentials, this thread will advise a woman move on from pursuing a relationship with this man. No kids, no baby mamas, and doesn't want to pursue a career that will make him a start salary of 180k+ easily.

Then he's not ready for a wife because he can't support one and that's ok.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Sorry ladies, I just had to use my friend as an example. There are many like him around - not making the bank but far from lazy dead-beats who actually WANT a black woman.

Then they need to act like it. My daughter can't bring him home, her daddy would eat him alive. Where are they going to live? Who is paying for it? It's fine to have dreams of altruism but not while riding my daughters back.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Now I'm getting University of Phoenix ads. I need to install ad blocking.

Say this again for the people in the back.

Also Michelle was 28 when they were married. Stop pushing 30, 35, 40+ year old dudes as if they are Harvard Law Review Barack with potential and plenty financial options. The false equivalency is maddening! She would NOT have given the same leeway if she was 35 when they met and all he had to offer was potential.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Heads up: My friend was recruited by the first African-American U.S. magistrate judge to serve as an Exec. Director of this new grassroots organization. He was tapped into by those from black upper echelon societies.

But he won't be making that high salary coming out.

Not sure of the status of his education loans. With a 3-7 - 3.9 GPAs from Morehouse and Stanford, I'm sure he has had a number of merit scholarships to lower he debt load.

With all them degrees if he can get Executive Director position with one organization he can get with another and get a reasonable paycheck. You're deliberately trying to downplay his money to disprove bigger picture point regarding black women of a certain education level being pushed to settle. Your friend can pick up big booty Keisha from the hair salon, upgrade her life and be happy. Reality is if he gets with a black woman that went to school with him he'll have others in his ear demanding that Lisa "pulls her weight" yet Becky can stay at home without a second thought. Let Lisa excell at her job and need him to pull weight at home and hell will break lose. Men no matter how much they make don't like women making more money. Their egos are not cut out for it.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Then they need to act like it. My daughter can't bring him home, her daddy would eat him alive. Where are they going to live? Who is paying for it? It's fine to have dreams of altruism but not while riding my daughters back.

Yeah, he's one of those guys who looks good on paper but once you get down to the financials, he can't afford a wife who wants to stay at home and have a child.
Not every woman has that goal so he just needs to keep that in mind while dating. A lot of women will dump him after he shares enough for her to tally up the student loan debt (if he has any) as well as living expenses against his potential salary. Someone may be willing to carry him while he pursues his goal but that ish gets old fast...and I'd imagine faster for a woman in a lower income bracket that cannot really afford to supplement him.

DH's friend recently left an MTA job (considered a great job in NYC) for a Department of Sanitation job because it has more earning potential in the long term. He has marriage in mind and recently proposed.

 

[Rastafarai]

With all them degrees if he can get Executive Director position with one organization he can get with another and get a reasonable paycheck. You're deliberately trying to downplay his money to disprove bigger picture point regarding black women of a certain education level being pushed to settle. Your friend can pick up big booty Keisha from the hair salon, upgrade her life and be happy. Reality is if he gets with a black woman that went to school with him he'll have others in his ear demanding that Lisa "pulls her weight" yet Becky can stay at home without a second thought. Let Lisa excell at her job and need him to pull weight at home and hell will break lose. Men no matter how much they make don't like women making more money. Their egos are not cut out for it.

Is it really settling if my friend is not ending up where he is starting off? That's the point. This man is pro-black, wants a sister exclusively, is the committed type, isn't a man hoe, but just doesn't have the salary in place JUST YET. So what does LHCF do? Disqualifies him as marriage material. Overlooking this brother who is about to be something because he isn't currently commanding the salary to take care of a family.

 

[UmSumayyah]

This brother, below, is a dear friend of mine. He has a great number of degrees, a Morehouse graduate, but is another Obama in the making. He isn't going to be making the bank and he doesn't care about the money, though, desires to be with a black woman only. According to this thread, marrying this brother will be marrying down on the basis of his salary alone and desire to pursue a career that doesn't pay a six-figure salary, even though he has such options easily. I find that ridiculous.

View attachment 383103

There are lots of bw willing to bet on potential. He will be just fine.

 

[Southernbella.]

Sorry ladies, I just had to use my friend as an example. There are many like him around - not making the bank but far from lazy dead-beats who actually WANT a black woman.

I know lots of guys like him. The ones who are still single are single because they have standards they refuse to lower.

 

[Southernbella.]

Is it really settling if my friend is not ending up where he is starting off? That's the point. This man is pro-black, wants a sister exclusively, is the committed type, isn't a man hoe, but just doesn't have the salary in place JUST YET. So what does LHCF do? Disqualifies him as marriage material. Overlooking this brother who is about to be something because he isn't currently commanding the salary to take care of a family.

He's wonderful marriage material, just maybe not for the women he's aiming for. A woman with a degree who makes $35, 000 as a social worker would be marrying up if she got with him.

 

[Rastafarai]

There are lots of bw willing to bet on potential. He will be just fine.

But according to the LHCF standard, we shouldn't bet on potential, right?

 

[UmSumayyah]

But according to the LHCF standard, we shouldn't bet on potential, right?

Many women can't spot true potential, and no, after a certain age it is extremely unwise.

Besides some of LHCF goes hard for potential, worrying about what will become of these guys if some women exclude them from their dating pool. Customer service dudes and mechanics get women, and he can too. No need to lose sleep over it.

 

[LaBelleLL]

But according to the LHCF standard, we shouldn't bet on potential, right?

How old is he?

 

[nyeredzi]

Stop getting caught in semantics. A couple making $100k vs $75k won't have the same challenges as couple making $50k vs $25k that live in NY. Baseline is anyone who can't afford your current lifestyle whatever it may be.



For all the positives you've listed your friend certainly isn't a marriage able catch for every woman. Being married to a cause doesn't pay bills and every woman isn't cut out to be Betty or Coretta and live life essentially as a single woman while he slays dragons for no pay. His desire & intention to be committed to a cause severely cuts into his willingness to be there for any potential family. He may be a good man on paper but I'd certainly caution any younger sister with goals of staying home a few years to pop out some kids to seriously question your friend before making any long term serious plans. Being a good man does not equal being a good husband, father, partner or provider. With all his education, surely he can figure out a way to create a program that does good for the community while providing baseline salary and benefits. Planning to be broke with all them degrees makes no sense. This is 2016 not 1966. Activism should not be used as a cover for living off of donations.

Semantics? I think you don't know what that word means. Also I think you didn't understand my actual question. I'm asking if they are comparing married couples to one another or if they are comparing married women to single women. This is a question about the actual survey. it would have helped if the article had a link to the Pew survey. If it had one, I missed it

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Is it really settling if my friend is not ending up where he is starting off? That's the point. This man is pro-black, wants a sister exclusively, is the committed type, isn't a man hoe, but just doesn't have the salary in place JUST YET. So what does LHCF do? Disqualifies him as marriage material. Overlooking this brother who is about to be something because he isn't currently commanding the salary to take care of a family.

I think the first line is the disconnect. It's not about him ending better than where HE started, it's if SHE is ending better than she started with him.

He's not a bad catch. But he wouldn't be a good one for some women. He's able to make all his current sacrifices because he's single and young.

 

[Rastafarai]

How old is he?

Mid to late 20s.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Is it really settling if my friend is not ending up where he is starting off? That's the point. This man is pro-black, wants a sister exclusively, is the committed type, isn't a man hoe, but just doesn't have the salary in place JUST YET. So what does LHCF do? Disqualifies him as marriage material. Overlooking this brother who is about to be something because he isn't currently commanding the salary to take care of a family.

You're deliberately misrepresenting the concerns listed. He's not the no fault example you think he is but any woman making $25k more than him now or 10 years from now, is not who the original article was referring to. Stop pretending that LHCF standards consist solely on unicorn aspirations.

 

[LaBelleLL]

Mid to late 20s.

Lol girl that's a wide gap. 25-29.

 

[qchelle]

Is it really settling if my friend is not ending up where he is starting off? That's the point. This man is pro-black, wants a sister exclusively, is the committed type, isn't a man hoe, but just doesn't have the salary in place JUST YET. So what does LHCF do? Disqualifies him as marriage material. Overlooking this brother who is about to be something because he isn't currently commanding the salary to take care of a family.

"Doesn't have the salary in place just yet" and that's totally fine. Forgive me, I haven't been reading every post, but is this guy even thinking about getting married right now? Maybe he knows he needs to be able to "take care of a family" first before thinking about marriage? And yea, you say that like it's some small thing: a man commanding a salary that can take care of his family. Duh? That's the whole point?

I should probably go back and read lol Ive had a doozy of a day!

 

[qchelle]

This is not marrying down-whatever his salary. His work ethic and education and goals combined are currency.

No its not! Where at? Show me where

 

[Fifty&Fab]

I'm not sure why this is so complicated, but based upon his credentials, the young man has potential to earn a very comfortable living. I don't know his current salary, but I do know that there is money to be made in community activism, especially if he does consulting, public speaking or training & development. I know he could easily segway into a role in community affairs at a major corporation and make well over six figures. He does not have to be broke to help the community.

Community activism...founded a civil rights grassroots organization - has degrees from Morehouse, Stanford, and most recently NYU Law. And despite his credentials, this thread will advise a woman move on from pursuing a relationship with this man. No kids, no baby mamas, and doesn't want to pursue a career that will make him a start salary of 180k+ easily.

 

[qchelle]

I'm not sure why this is so complicated, but based upon his credentials, the young man has potential to earn a very comfortable living. I don't know his current salary, but I do know that there is money to be made in community activism, especially if he does consulting, public speaking or training & development. I know he could easily segway into a role in community affairs at a major corporation and make well over six figures. He does not have to be broke to help the community.

Yea, right? Did he actually say he didn't want to ever make more than $40k? He could totally make way more, with what you just outlined. Rasta, girl, tell him what 40 said! Maybe he don't know! Lol

 

[Rastafarai]

I'm not sure why this is so complicated, but based upon his credentials, the young man has potential to earn a very comfortable living. I don't know his current salary, but I do know that there is money to be made in community activism, especially if he does consulting, public speaking or training & development. I know he could easily segway into a role in community affairs at a major corporation and make well over six figures. He does not have to be broke to help the community.

He does. He was able to raise well over $13 million for an organization. He does many speech engagements, is asked to be guest speaker at events, and teaches federal income tax in local communities. But according to LHCF....