'marrying Down' Costs Educated Women $25k A Year

[FemmeFatale]

This reminds me of that thread about the lady that made over $200K as a doctor while her man made $40K with no drive or something close to that amount and how she paid all the bills. A lot of hoteps were like but maybe she truly loves him or what about love...what about it?

 

[Autumn~Tint~Of~Gold]

This reminds me of that thread about the lady that made over $200K as a doctor while her man made $40K with no drive or something close to that amount and how she pays the bills. A lot of hoteps were like but maybe she truly loves him or what about love...what about it?

 

[LaBelleLL]

SMH speaking of which - someone in this thread mentioned expecting their husbands to make more than them. If not significantly more.

Can I just say - idk what is up with people on the outside world. But if you were to ever voice this - people get UP in arms. I have been in several situations where older (black) men have asked me what I am looking for. I have included education and income expectations. My goodness - you would have thought I said to THEM "you ain't **** my ni***" (i don't even talk like this). They just got all riled up. One of them told me I am expecting too much to marry someone with a similar educational background. Meanwhile he is a black attorney who is married to a white woman attorney. Y'all! I learned my lesson from that point forward - keep my dreams and desires and wishes to a select few.

Thank goodness I have close gfs (who aren't on here actually) who are similarly minded and LHCF in a way. It's refreshing to see others share similar viewpoints.

I love seeing women, esp black women set up wonderful expectations, goals, and desires for ourselves. This is POWERFUL and just so beautiful.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

SMH speaking of which - someone in this thread mentioned expecting their husbands to make more than them. If not significantly more.

Can I just say - idk what is up with people on the outside world. But if you were to ever voice this - people get UP in arms. I have been in several situations where older (black) men have asked me what I am looking for. I have included education and income expectations. My goodness - you would have thought I said to THEM "you ain't **** my ni***" (i don't even talk like this). They just got all riled up. One of them told me I am expecting too much to marry someone with a similar educational background. Meanwhile he is a black attorney who is married to a white woman attorney. Y'all! I learned my lesson from that point forward - keep my dreams and desires and wishes to a select few.

Thank goodness I have close gfs (who aren't on here actually) who are similarly minded and LHCF in a way. It's refreshing to see others share similar viewpoints.

I love seeing women, esp black women set up wonderful expectations, goals, and desires for ourselves. This is POWERFUL and just so beautiful.

Ah...he wanted to think he was special. Maybe I'm just contrary but even now I have no problem saything this aloud even when I know it pisses some guys and women off. I always tell people that the way my ego is set up that if I made more way more money my mans balls would probably be in my purse, lol.

I remember one of the early conversations I had with my husband was in the BSU building. A group of students talking about our dating nonnegotiables, what we had to have, etc. His was kids and mine was money. Man, did it it get heated! The dudes calling women gold diggers and the chicks getting offended that most the guys didn't date girls with babies seriously. Meanwhile we are looking at each other trying to figure out why everyone was so upset, lol.

 

[FemmeFatale]

SMH speaking of which - someone in this thread mentioned expecting their husbands to make more than them. If not significantly more.

Can I just say - idk what is up with people on the outside world. But if you were to ever voice this - people get UP in arms. I have been in several situations where older (black) men have asked me what I am looking for. I have included education and income expectations. My goodness - you would have thought I said to THEM "you ain't **** my ni***" (i don't even talk like this). They just got all riled up. One of them told me I am expecting too much to marry someone with a similar educational background. Meanwhile he is a black attorney who is married to a white woman attorney. Y'all! I learned my lesson from that point forward - keep my dreams and desires and wishes to a select few.

Thank goodness I have close gfs (who aren't on here actually) who are similarly minded and LHCF in a way. It's refreshing to see others share similar viewpoints.

I love seeing women, esp black women set up wonderful expectations, goals, and desires for ourselves. This is POWERFUL and just so beautiful.

Yeah it's weird, I think forums like this (somewhat progressive, upwardly mobile black women) allow a space for people to share their desires without the judgement. IRL it's just best to keep your standards in your head and just move silently.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Not that you can answer, but why are they starting a family if they're having financial issues?

Humans, in general, have an urge to procreate. Poor people have kids all the time.
In fact, it seems the more educated one becomes the less likely they are to have kids, at least naturally, since women are in school and working their way up the corporate ladder during their child- bearing years.
Men can make babies until the day they die.

 

[FemmeFatale]

This is why marriages go bad IMO. People focus on love so much that the actual component of adulting within a marriage gets neglected.

 

[LiftedUp]

SMH speaking of which - someone in this thread mentioned expecting their husbands to make more than them. If not significantly more.

Can I just say - idk what is up with people on the outside world. But if you were to ever voice this - people get UP in arms. I have been in several situations where older (black) men have asked me what I am looking for. I have included education and income expectations. My goodness - you would have thought I said to THEM "you ain't **** my ni***" (i don't even talk like this). They just got all riled up. One of them told me I am expecting too much to marry someone with a similar educational background. Meanwhile he is a black attorney who is married to a white woman attorney. Y'all! I learned my lesson from that point forward - keep my dreams and desires and wishes to a select few.

Thank goodness I have close gfs (who aren't on here actually) who are similarly minded and LHCF in a way. It's refreshing to see others share similar viewpoints.

I love seeing women, esp black women set up wonderful expectations, goals, and desires for ourselves. This is POWERFUL and just so beautiful.

I drop it on them like this too lol. I've stopped caring a while now. Those men with "gold digger syndrome" usually have no "gold" to be dug and aren't on my wave length anyway so idc if I offend.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

That's the problem I have with women who want or don't mind being the breadwinners and I've yet to get an answer, what happens when children come into the mix? Does she take a quick leave and go back to work? What about breastfeeding? Or do they save up to live just on his income?

For women who are the breadwinners, they take maternity leave and go back to work in 6 - 12 weeks depending on company policy.
They pump and/or freeze the milk for use throughout the day/week while their husband/nanny stays home with the kids. If need be, pump and Fedex the breast milk.
I have friends with stay at home husbands (educated guys) and kids. One husband went back to work a couple of years ago.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

For women who are the breadwinners, they take maternity leave and go back to work in 6 - 12 weeks depending on company policy.
They pump and/or freeze the milk for use throughout the day/week while their husband/nanny stays home with the kids. If need be, pump and Fedex the breast milk.
I have friends with stay at home husbands (educated guys) and kids. One husband went back to work a couple of years ago.

All of that is so unsexy. I don't think I could be attracted to SAHH

 

[SimplyLive]

This reminds me of that thread about the lady that made over $200K as a doctor while her man made $40K with no drive or something close to that amount and how she paid all the bills. A lot of hoteps were like but maybe she truly loves him or what about love...what about it?

Aren't they the same type telling women to "let the man be the man and be the boss/head of the household and provider?"

 

[movingforward]

Can I just say - idk what is up with people on the outside world. But if you were to ever voice this - people get UP in arms. I have been in several situations where older (black) men have asked me what I am looking for. I have included education and income expectations. My goodness - you would have thought I said to THEM "you ain't **** my ni***" (i don't even talk like this). They just got all riled up. One of them told me I am expecting too much to marry someone with a similar educational background. Meanwhile he is a black attorney who is married to a white woman attorney. Y'all! I learned my lesson from that point forward - keep my dreams and desires and wishes to a select few.

I had similar experiences as you, but with men in my age bracket.

I told them, because you don't measure up to MY expectations. Doesn't make you less of a man, it means you don't meet MY basic expectations. But you will for the RIGHT woman for YOU.

They looked at me stunned and said I was right.

IMO, my expectations is basic. If I make $100k, I expect you to make that amount. My debt level is low, yours should be too.

 

[SimplyLive]

Funny how society preaches its in a man's nature to marry for "physical/sexual attraction" and a woman's nature to marry for "stability and provision" yet women are scorned and called "gold digger" for demanding a certain income! Men remain unapologetic in what they want.

 

[IslandMummy]

All of that is so unsexy. I don't think I could be attracted to SAHH

I instantly dried up at the thought scust

 

[MzRhonda]

My grandmother told me this when I was young, "Love is nice, but love doesn't pay the bills."

If I decided to get married he's going to have to make as much as me or more; I'm not carrying a grown man. I make enough money to take care of myself, I don't make enough to take care of two grown people, I'm not going to play myself like that.

or the potential based on his career path, education etc.................

 

[Femmefatal1981]

or the potential based on his career path, education etc.................

But that's only ok to a certain age

 

[MzRhonda]

But that's only ok to a certain age

True.

 

[BK Bombshell]

SMH speaking of which - someone in this thread mentioned expecting their husbands to make more than them. If not significantly more.

Can I just say - idk what is up with people on the outside world. But if you were to ever voice this - people get UP in arms. I have been in several situations where older (black) men have asked me what I am looking for. I have included education and income expectations. My goodness - you would have thought I said to THEM "you ain't **** my ni***" (i don't even talk like this). They just got all riled up. One of them told me I am expecting too much to marry someone with a similar educational background. Meanwhile he is a black attorney who is married to a white woman attorney. Y'all! I learned my lesson from that point forward - keep my dreams and desires and wishes to a select few.

Thank goodness I have close gfs (who aren't on here actually) who are similarly minded and LHCF in a way. It's refreshing to see others share similar viewpoints.

I love seeing women, esp black women set up wonderful expectations, goals, and desires for ourselves. This is POWERFUL and just so beautiful.

Not just in the outside world, though. I always expect the "struggle love" or "what if he's a wealthy axe murderer?" crew to show up in these threads and they never disappoint. It's like some women can't even conceive of a world where they wouldn't have to settle for less than what they want. I wonder if they put as much energy into telling the men around them to step their game up.

IRL, I don't even know women who choose to be oblivious to the facts that a) money is one of the leading causes of marital arguments and divorce and b) there is no utility company, mortgage company, rental company, supermarket or clothing store that accepts love and/or potential as a form of payment.

IDK why women are so quick to try to undermine other women's aspirations, but I'm seeing it more and more lately (or maybe I'm just paying closer attention), but I decided to focus my energy on women who want more out of life and those are the only women in my circle.

 

[MzRhonda]

I totally agree with this. There are other things in to take account in a man, such as his willingness to be a good father to his children, providing for his family even though he isn't the breadwinner, having his wife's back when things start to get real,supporting his wife emotionally.

Exactly, many of those making more than you and "supporting" you are sometimes abusing you albeit maybe not physically but they are........."I pay the bills", "this is my money", "where can you go if you leave me", and so on....some also tend to feel they can do what they please, call all of the shots, some have affairs and so on.

Some women in those situations are miserable.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Not just in the outside world, though. I always expect the "struggle love" or "what if he's a wealthy axe murderer?" crew to show up in these threads and they never disappoint. It's like some women can't even conceive of a world where they wouldn't have to settle for less than what they want. I wonder if they put as much energy into telling the men around them to step their game up.

IRL, I don't even know women who choose to be oblivious to the facts that a) money is one of the leading causes of marital arguments and divorce and b) there is no utility company, mortgage company, rental company, supermarket or clothing store that accepts love and/or potential as a form of payment.

IDK why women are so quick to try to undermine other women's aspirations, but I'm seeing it more and more lately (or maybe I'm just paying closer attention), but I decided to focus my energy on women who want more out of life and those are the only women in my circle.

Yes to allllll of this, bare basic things like mortgages, healthcare, retirement, utility bills, property taxes, car notes, etc are all very real things and for some crazy reason people think that the love will make all of these things sort themselves out. Then when things get real people are shocked and resentful.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Exactly, many of those making more than you and "supporting" you are sometimes abusing you albeit maybe not physically but they are........."I pay the bills", "this is my money", "where can you go if you leave me", and so on....some also tend to feel they can do what they please, call all of the shots, some have affairs and so on.

Some women in those situations are miserable.

And there are even more women dealing with all that from a broke dude who is driving her car to work and picking her up late, spending all her check and cheating on her because he's emasculated and that's how men strike out.

 

[Seraphina]

Not just in the outside world, though. I always expect the "struggle love" or "what if he's a wealthy axe murderer?" crew to show up in these threads and they never disappoint. It's like some women can't even conceive of a world where they wouldn't have to settle for less than what they want. I wonder if they put as much energy into telling the men around them to step their game up.

IRL, I don't even know women who choose to be oblivious to the facts that a) money is one of the leading causes of marital arguments and divorce and b) there is no utility company, mortgage company, rental company, supermarket or clothing store that accepts love and/or potential as a form of payment.

IDK why women are so quick to try to undermine other women's aspirations, but I'm seeing it more and more lately (or maybe I'm just paying closer attention), but I decided to focus my energy on women who want more out of life and those are the only women in my circle.

Sadly, at least for black women, struggle is considered a birthright and has become such a part of our identities that it almost doesn't occur to some that it doesn't have to be that way.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Sadly, at least for black women, struggle is considered a birthright and has become such a part of our identities that it almost doesn't occur to some that it doesn't have to be that way.

Nothing but the truth.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Sadly, at least for black women, struggle is considered a birthright and has become such a part of our identities that it almost doesn't occur to some that it doesn't have to be that way.

I think this needs to be unpacked more. If all you ever knew was getting by (struggling), because that's all you witnessed growing up, how do you break out of that paradigm? There's so much that comes into play that I think we don't consider.

I grew up in a working middle class family and one of the things my mom taught me was that she chose my dad because he was loyal to the bone and a hard working man. She had tons of suitors but specifically chose him because she knew he would break his back to give her a better life, which he did. Dad came to the states in 79, set up shop and filed for my mom to get here in late 81. Almost 40 years later, I can honestly say that my mom made an excellent choice. The takeaways from that have been priceless for me because I unapologetically know I'm valuable and what to look for in a man to bring home to my parents, specifically mom. When she met my current boyfriend, she gave me her approval speech and grin.

 

[Kanky]

Exactly, many of those making more than you and "supporting" you are sometimes abusing you albeit maybe not physically but they are........."I pay the bills", "this is my money", "where can you go if you leave me", and so on....some also tend to feel they can do what they please, call all of the shots, some have affairs and so on.

Some women in those situations are miserable.

Don't marry an arsehole is common sense. Not marrying down should also be common sense, but for some reason black women insist on arguing about it! Functional, masculine men can both support their families and not be a jackass about it! This kind of man isn't even rare!

 

[FemmeFatale]

Don't marry an arsehole is common sense. Not marrying down should also be common sense, but for some reason black women insist on arguing about it! Functional, masculine men can both support their families and not be a jackass about it! This kind of man isn't even rare!

There are other things at play too, like consider upbringing, the environment that black women are meeting men, living with them, what black culture deems acceptable (the big one: not be "corny" like Russell Wilson and em) the effects of tv and movies. Trash rap songs that talk about independent women and holding men down. There's just so much at play and it's an uphill battle for some more than others.

 

[sarumoki]

All of that is so unsexy. I don't think I could be attracted to SAHH

I would love having a SAHH. But I also hate doing chores. But my dinner better be ready when I get home!

 

[Kanky]

I would love having a SAHH. But I also hate doing chores. But my dinner better be ready when I get home!

If you marry a man who makes a decent living a maid can do these things for you and then you won't have he weird role reversal issues.

 

[Seraphina]

I think this needs to be unpacked more. If all you ever knew was getting by (struggling), because that's all you witnessed growing up, how do you break out of that paradigm? There's so much that comes into play that I think we don't consider.

I grew up in a working middle class family and one of the things my mom taught me was that she chose my dad because he was loyal to the bone and a hard working man. She had tons of suitors but specifically chose him because she knew he would break his back to give her a better life, which he did. Dad came to the states in 79, set up shop and filed for my mom to get here in late 81. Almost 40 years later, I can honestly say that my mom made an excellent choice. The takeaways from that have been priceless for me because I unapologetically know I'm valuable and what to look for in a man to bring home to my parents, specifically mom. When she met my current boyfriend, she gave me her approval speech and grin.

It's interesting you took it here because I'm currently in a situation similar to your mother. The man I'm seeing now has been pursuing me for years and has made it clear that he will move the earth to ensure that I live a comfortable life and has really put himself in a position to do so. It's thinking of my future children that makes me ready to bite the bullet and take him up on it. Because I want my children, especially daughters, to grow up like you did. So it's not even just about ourselves. Creating strong black family units like that benefits the entire community.

 

[Brownie]

..