'marrying Down' Costs Educated Women $25k A Year

kikigirl said:
To me the same principle applies: Marry someone who can give you the life you want. We like to pretend that most women want to partake in the rat race. Some just want to chill and be cared for; of course each person defines what "care" means.

If you're a teacher earning 50K, can the UPS driver provide for you in a way that makes you happy?! If your answer is yes, then go for it. Wouldn't be me because of personality and ambition disparity, but that is a good life outcome for many people.

I know at least two couples where the hubby has a Masters in Humanities and is earning $40K top, the wife has a college degree and chooses not to use it. They live in a modest home or condo, in a state with low COL, and she raises the kids, often homeschooling. The wife could go work as a teacher to make $50K but does not value the extra income compared to the freedom to be home. Coupon, make your bread and can your jams. Have a crunchy mom blog. Raise happy and loved kids. I think a black woman like that is doing well by her family....if that is what fits personality!
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I think that's great for her but what about her kids? I think it's wonderful if parents can pay for college or at least help pay for it. Even if the children get scholarships, it would be nice to buy them a car or just help them financially to start out in life. What about experiences for the kids like traveling, playing sports, providing them with opportunities or just exploring things they might like. It not always about the bags or luxury items. You don't have to answer because it's not you but there are other things to think .
 
Nelli04 said:
I have a friend dealing with this, but she and her husband are not black. I can sense the resentment every time she tells me '...you still have a chance, Nelli04. Marry a guy who is rich or at least makes more than you.'

She is the breadwinner in their relationship and has the burden of having to work while they try to start a family. On top of that they argue all the time about finances. Since so many marriages end because of finances, I think marrying down is a big deal.

For me, I have yet to meet a quality black man that makes more than me. I almost considered dating a guy who makes way less than me, but this article is bringing me back to sanity.
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Not that you can answer, but why are they starting a family if they're having financial issues?
 
tibb1908 said:
I think that's great for her but what about her kids? I think it's wonderful if parents can pay for college or at least help pay for it. Even if the children get scholarships, it would be nice to buy them a car or just help them financially to start out in life. What about experiences for the kids like traveling, playing sports, providing them with opportunities or just exploring things they might like. It not always about the bags or luxury items. You don't have to answer because it's not you but there are other things to think .
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Lol, I get your point. I'm the same way. I think about positioning my progeny several generations down. But that's a personality thing. At one point in my life I thought I could live that way....and then I realized I was lying to myself. I'm a born-hustler.

Anecdotally though, I know a few adults from the crunchy homeschool lifestyle who have gone on to live pretty awesome lives! Traveled to Europe and Asia as part of choir groups or martial arts tournaments. The kids are so freaking smart they busted all state and national exams and ended up at amazing private tech universities think MIT/ military academy leagues), boys and girls. Of course graduate with no debt, and are doing well now with 6-figure jobs.
Of course, the work ethic that the mom (with an engineering degree from a top school) could have put into working and making $$$, she put into raising those kids. Different route to raising and providing for your kids' future.

Really, I think it all boils down to personality. The teacher who wants to teach her own kid rather than others' kids will *likely* knock it out of the park, or spend her days watching soaps and tv talk shows. It all comes down to how folks view their lives, the goals they set, etc...
 
tibb1908 said:
I think that's great for her but what about her kids? I think it's wonderful if parents can pay for college or at least help pay for it. Even if the children get scholarships, it would be nice to buy them a car or just help them financially to start out in life. What about experiences for the kids like traveling, playing sports, providing them with opportunities or just exploring things they might like. It not always about the bags or luxury items. You don't have to answer because it's not you but there are other things to think .
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All of this. I tend to think that these "we don't need money, all we need is love and each other" fools are so shortsighted it's ridiculous. If you want to sit around in a one bedroom apt eating beans everyday, living in the forest singing Kumbaya, that's one thing. But don't act like you're not putting your kids at a serious disadvantage by not providing opportunities for them to do things that cost money (not even a lot of money, but just some money). Not everything is going to have a scholarship available and folks are sick of seeing go fund mes for stuff you should be getting for your kid on your own.

Y'all will have to excuse me. I'm just reflecting on some nonsense I was forwarded by people in this very situation asking for "donations" for their kid to go to some camp. Um, no. Get a job.
 
Christina Dior said:
Ups drivers make more than a lot of teachers lol
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Good to know.

kikigirl said:
To me the same principle applies: Marry someone who can give you the life you want. We like to pretend that most women want to partake in the rat race. Some just want to chill and be cared for; of course each person defines what "care" means.

If you're a teacher earning 50K, can the UPS driver provide for you in a way that makes you happy?! If your answer is yes, then go for it. Wouldn't be me because of personality and ambition disparity, but that is a good life outcome for many people.

I know at least two couples where the hubby has a Masters in Humanities and is earning $40K top, the wife has a college degree and chooses not to use it. They live in a modest home or condo, in a state with low COL, and she raises the kids, often homeschooling. The wife could go work as a teacher to make $50K but does not value the extra income compared to the freedom to be home. Coupon, make your bread and can your jams. Have a crunchy mom blog. Raise happy and loved kids. I think a black woman like that is doing well by her family....if that is what fits personality!
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People tend to romanticize living in poverty. Especially on crunchy mommy blogs. It is easier to live the lifestyle that you want if your husband can actually afford to support a family.
 
My grandmother told me this when I was young, "Love is nice, but love doesn't pay the bills."

If I decided to get married he's going to have to make as much as me or more; I'm not carrying a grown man. I make enough money to take care of myself, I don't make enough to take care of two grown people, I'm not going to play myself like that.
 
Kanky said:
Good to know.


People tend to romanticize living in poverty. Especially on crunchy mommy blogs. It is easier to live the lifestyle that you want if your husband can actually afford to support a family.
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hey if that's the reality, why not make the best of it lol. Esp after you have chosen it....
 
nerdography said:
My grandmother told me this when I was young, "Love is nice, but love doesn't pay the bills."

If I decided to get married he's going to have to make as much as me or more; I'm not carrying a grown man. I make enough money to take care of myself, I don't make enough to take care of two grown people, I'm not going to play myself like that.
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I had this same conversation with my BFF. She told me I was narrowing my dating pool. GOOD!

I get to keep my money!

But I dated poor I had to pay for EVERYTHING and he had a little friend. I wasn't winning in no capacity.
 
chicitygirl said:
She is wasting her time. Are they just dating or married? If they're just dating, she needs to cut her losses and move on. If it were my friend, I'd straight up tell her this. I know too many women that have wasted their good looking, reproductive years in these types of dead end situations. It's not worth it.
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They're in a long term relationship. But they're older(50's) so marriage and children isn't on their radar.

I think she stays because like I said, he's a very nice guy and she loves him. But he has reached his peak earning potential and that frustrates her because it limits what they can do. Even if they ever do break up, men her age in the same income bracket are only interested in younger women.
 
MizAvalon said:
They're in a long term relationship. But they're older(50's) so marriage and children isn't on their radar.

I think she stays because like I said, he's a very nice guy and she loves him. But he has reached his peak earning potential and that frustrates her because it limits what they can do. Even if they ever do break up, men her age in the same income bracket are only interested in younger women.
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Oh, ok then. Girl, he's in his 50's and having these types of issues? He ain't never gonna be able to retire comfortably at this rate!
 
Kanky said:
Good to know.


People tend to romanticize living in poverty. Especially on crunchy mommy blogs. It is easier to live the lifestyle that you want if your husband can actually afford to support a family.
Click to expand...
No lies said there.
Romantic or not, it does not personally appeal to me. I like being able to walk into a store and buy what I want. Lol, I don't even bake muffins from scratch.

As driven as I am, I'm close friends with enough crunchy folks that I think they genuinely feel they're doing the best for their kids. And as far as I can tell, they are content. They don't ask for anything. Heck some of my extended relatives send Christmas gifts to my daughter every year and I forget to reciprocate (I know; I'm terrible). Point is, living within those means is a conscious choice for them. The wives could up and re-enter the job market, but they don't want to. They feel they are doing the BEST thing for the family.

I think there is also a huge "I'm the best person who can educate my kids" components to some folks who choose that lifestyle. Black homeschool communities are ripe with folks like these. Mom could be running a small business on the side, taking educational trips with the kids, being engaged in local politics (kids learn how to sit in on council meetings, etc...). When you converse with those kids, their intelligence shines through.
A black family with kids like these isn't at a disadvantage going into life. Maybe a kid doesn't get help buying your first car. But what about when the working moms feel like they aren't devoting enough time to their kids?!

I'm always going to encourage a fellow black woman to do the best for herself and her future kids. If that includes staying at home while living a good but frugal life, who am I to object? Is she better off staying single and childless with her $50K job or married off to a good man who makes $40K and can support the family on that income? I would keep it moving, because that's not me. But if I knew my friend/sister/daughter's personality fit that lifestyle, and the man was a hardworker, I'd let her be.
 
MizAvalon said:
They're in a long term relationship. But they're older(50's) so marriage and children isn't on their radar.

I think she stays because like I said, he's a very nice guy and she loves him. But he has reached his peak earning potential and that frustrates her because it limits what they can do. Even if they ever do break up, men her age in the same income bracket are only interested in younger women.
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Some of you act like love is the chicken pox. If she has to pay for everything might as well pay for a younger man with non stop energy and no need for Viagra. Why is she pretending her ONLY option for age appropriate love is with someone with whom she can't live out loud with? Let him struggle somewhere else or get with someone that sees him as a comeup. I can't with these dudes who are stuck by the choices they've made but still feel entitled to the perks of anothers hard work. Unevenly yoked is a real thing.

And can some of ya'll stop pretending you don't know what this is referring to? Pete the plumber has a career even if he doesn't have a degree. Carl the cashier has a job. The difference in income means they should not be dating in the same pool but hear some say it Betty the banker should give both of them an equal shot. Betty and Pete can make it work. Carl is risk in more ways than one and that difference in income will eventually blow up in their face.
 
sissimpson said:
I don't think you can honestly call marrying a good man who makes less money than you 'marrying down'
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Traditionally, yes it is. :look: But with more women in higher paying jobs these days than men, expecting men to make $200k because you make $150k is not entirely realistic because of the numbers and the economy.

Marrying down IMO would be marrying a man who could not afford to support our family on one income. I want to work even after having children but one parent needs to be at home whether because they work from home or they work part time. I could never be with a man that says 'I expect my wife to work, even after children.' :nono:
 
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ScorpioBeauty09 said:
Traditionally, yes it is. :look: But with women in higher paying jobs these days than men, expecting men to make $200k because you make $150k is not entirely realistic because of the numbers and the economy.

Marrying down IMO would be marrying a man who could not afford to support our family on one income. I want to work even after having children but one parent needs to be at home whether because they work from home or they work part time. I could never be with a man that says 'I expect my wife to work, even after children.' :nono:
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Yup! Major deal breaker!!!! I'm pissed at dudes who want wifey back to work after 6 weeks even though she'd rather stay home for longer. Having a kid brings out parts of yourself you didn't know existed. Whether the desire to hang out with the baby/kids all day lasts 3/6/9 months or years, a man should be able to provide so his wife can have that time.
That's why even career women need to talk about these things with prospective husbands.
 
kikigirl said:
Yup! Major deal breaker!!!! I'm pissed at dudes who want wifey back to work after 6 weeks even though she'd rather stay home for longer. Having a kid brings out parts of yourself you didn't know existed. Whether the desire to hang out with the baby/kids all day lasts 3/6/9 months or years, a man should be able to provide so his wife can have that time.
That's why even career women need to talk about these things with prospective husbands.
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That's the problem I have with women who want or don't mind being the breadwinners and I've yet to get an answer, what happens when children come into the mix? o_O Does she take a quick leave and go back to work? What about breastfeeding? Or do they save up to live just on his income?
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
Traditionally, yes it is. :look: But with more women in higher paying jobs these days than men, expecting men to make $200k because you make $150k is not entirely realistic because of the numbers and the economy.

Marrying down IMO would be marrying a man who could not afford to support our family on one income. I want to work even after having children but one parent needs to be at home whether because they work from home or they work part time. I could never be with a man that says 'I expect my wife to work, even after children.' :nono:
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Yeah I hope he was playing but one of my bosses asked me how long was I staying it after baby. I told him 12 weeks. He told me he only let his wife take two weeks. "let" wth you mean?! I wish a dude would tell me To go through this experience and rush back to work. Boy please. You should be able to hold us down!
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
Traditionally, yes it is. :look: But with more women in higher paying jobs these days than men, expecting men to make $200k because you make $150k is not entirely realistic because of the numbers and the economy.

Marrying down IMO would be marrying a man who could not afford to support our family on one income. I want to work even after having children but one parent needs to be at home whether because they work from home or they work part time. I could never be with a man that says 'I expect my wife to work, even after children.' :nono:
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This isn't about him making 200k to your $150k.

It is about women who make $200,00 marrying men who make less than $50k that never ever goes well.
 
Femmefatal1981 said:
This isn't about him making 200k to your $150k.

It is about women who make $200,00 marrying men who make less than $50k that never ever goes well.
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Or even less than that. This about a woman making 50k and the dude making 35k. Heck even the dude making 45 with no sight of ambition of transcending. It depends on how frugal y'all are and materialistic but it's just a disaster waiting to happen.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
A less educated husband can spell financial ruin – especially for Black women.

I hate to derail this thread but I stumbled upon this majestic feat of hotepery on the Tube of You that addresses this very issue. For the Hotep averse = Education and careers make black women unwifeable.

For the rest of you adventurous types, start at 4:50 and let the wokeness flow through you. Warning: Do Not Listen to this **** for more than 5 straight minutes or you will wake up in a shoebox apartment as a 3rd wife with 4 kids and multiple anks to polish.


Peep the white mans shoes in the background.
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The way he talks about women is disturbing. "Groom her", "Sit down at his feet", "Trainable". I wanna strangle this guy.

How is he expecting unemployed and underemployed men to support several 'wives'?
 
PrissiSippi said:
Or even less than that. This about a woman making 50k and the dude making 35k. Heck even the dude making 45 with no sight of ambition of transcending. It depends on how frugal y'all are and materialistic but it's just a disaster waiting to happen.
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And the thing is, this isn't even about frugality vs. expensive taste. It's about security. Sure, families can live frugally in an effort to make ends meet. But down the road when you're figuring out how to pay for your kids' college tuition, looking at retirement, and saving enough money tucked away for a rainy day everyone will feel that stress. I've always said that I would not have children if I weren't able to very comfortably provide for them. I know what it's like to be a child knowing that I was a financial burden even if no one ever said it.

Petal26 said:
The way he talks about women is disturbing. "Groom her", "Sit down at his feet", "Trainable". I wanna strangle this guy.

How is he expecting unemployed and underemployed men to support several 'wives'?
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YES. THIS. Are they gonna live on a farm somewhere? Are they gonna share bedrooms with their kids?

And he said that it didn't matter if he has a job or not. Yeah it does, bruh if you're trying to convince people that this could work.
 
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