Married Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

[LightEyedMami]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

I've been married five years. The first year was very hard. I wanted out. But my husband and I are extremely spiritual people and we were both determined to make it work with each other and with God. Oh my goodness I remember some days sitting on the bed crying my eyes out wondering what I had done.

As hard as it to admit. Looking back on the first year. I was the problem. No, my husband wasn't perfect, but my God I was blessed with a good man. It really hit me one day when I came home unexpectantly and I overheard my husband praying. He was crying (this is the first time I had ever seen or heard him cry). He was literally begging God to help him be a good hsuband and to remove whatever pain was in my heart so that I could see just how precious I was to him and to God. He repeatedly thanked God for giving him such a good wife and proceeded to expound on my good qualities! He asked God to search his heart and show him if there were things he was not doing. But he also apologized to God for sometimes wanting out of our marriage. That sometimes he wasn't happy and he didn't know what to do to make it work. He wanted to make it work and he was trying but he needed the strenght that only God could give to make it. He repeated how much he loved me he thanked God for bringing us together. But he felt he didn't know this woman that he had married.

I was floored. I couldn't stop crying, and I was just standing there with tears streaming down my eyes. I went down the stairs as slowly as possible and got back in my car and drove to the farthest part of our property near the water. I felt like crap. I started self medicating myself with shopping not long after we got married. I was never one to spend a lot of money on anything, but it was the only thing that would make me feel better for the time being. And that day was one of my shopping sprees. My SUV was completely full of shopping bags. I looked at all the bags, i looked at my purse, my car, my wedding rings. I had EVERYTHING a woman could ever want. I was young, in great shape (at the time), beautiful, I had a beautiful home, luxury car, a career, a handsome husband who even loved me despite myself, even though my husband is very frugal I wasn't in want of anything, he gave me whatever I wanted within reason, my inlaws loved me and adored me. My family was comfortable and all in good health, grandparents as well. But I was miserable! Completely and utterly unhappy. And I didn't know why.


You would think that I would have gone home and apologized and confess about hearing his prayer and thanking him and all that, but no, crazy me went home with an attitude, he could tell I was in "one of my moods" so he left me alone. I cooked dinner, got in bed and called it a night. of course I woke up feeling like crap the next morning. I went for a walk that morning. I must have walked for like 3 hours! Aroung and around and around. I prayed the whole time. I finally realized that I was dealing with some unresolved childhood issues. I started writing a journal to get everything out. Sometimes that's the disadvantage of getting married young and moving from your mother's roof to being married. You have no time to yourself to really sort out and resolve things in your life. especially repressed memories. You get married hoping your husband will fill some void in your life. or you don;t even realize that you have these grand expectations of him, but subconsciously you do and when you realize that he is not fulfilling them you are mad at him and mad at life because you are not getting what you need/want.

so basically my husband became my therapist, he got me to talk about my youth and my anger and pain etc. I started to let go and forgive.

We had created the worst patterns. I'm from a family that does not communicate well. When we are upset we don't talk and we isolate ourselves. So naturally that is what I brought to our marriage. My husband is the complete opposite. He has to talk about it right away and express himself and in two minutes he's over it and we're friends. But because i didn't function the same way it would frustrate him. so he eventually gave up on trying to get me to talk. He became like ME! Stopped talking when he was upset and isolated himself. So as you can see this was a great recipe for distaster. But we were both still very commited to our creator and to each other, and we slowly just started applying things we learned in the bible. even if i didn't want to speak and I felt that if I did I would say something evil. I would just blurt something out. anything to make him undersrtand or get a glimpse of what I was feeling. no matter how inaudible it was. most of the time I would be screaming and crying hysterically (thanks to my mom). then I would collapse on my bed crying uncontrollably and apologizing for being the worst wife.

Let me tell you God is what made our marriage work, and just doing everything the bible tells you to do. It has the best advice. But marrying someone who loved God more than he loved me really helped. I could see him making all kinds of adjustments and changes in his life to try and make our marriage work and it made me feel bad that I was being so stubborn, it motivated me to want to make changes. So I did. And we started to grow up and grow closer. Looking back I feel like I was such a different person then. Partly because I was. I ended up changing my birth control (i was on the patch) and I didn't realize how much it had contributed to my depression. After being off the patch for six months I could feel the difference. I was more positive. Happier, and my sex drive was out of control. I was in such a dark place in my life when I was on that patch.

Marriage is still not easy but we have the tools we need to make it a success and we are committed to that. We so enjoy each other's company and we really consider ourselves best friends. No one makes me happier or makes me laugh like he does.

So what have I learned?

- Marrying someone who loves God more than he loves you.
- Make sure he is God fearing as well, because a man that truly fears God will not do anything to hurt you
- Marrying someone with a really good sense of humor. They can make you see the humor in things that you take so seriously. They really help to humble you too because they make you realize how ridiculous you are being. and help you learn to laugh at yourself
- Try to take a trip abroad or do some traveling before getting married, traveling helpes you widen your perspective on life
- Figure out what you want out of life, set goals for yourself and your future husband
- Don't look for someone to make you happy or complete you. Resolve all those issues before you get married. Your husband can't be that father that walked out on your family when you were 7 and he's not the father that beat your mom for 7 years of your life. Your husband is your husband. Love him for who he is and for the man God will make him. Don't expect something else of him. He will not fill that void in your life, he may make it easier to deal with and even help you forget it at times but he will never fill it.
-Learn to forgive for past mistakes and move on. You rob your husband of the possibilities of greater happiness when you hang on to pain from your past and allow it to dictate who you are and what you do now. Call on God and allow him to call you to peace.
- say how you feel, but not with the intent to hurt. sometimes I couldn't separate how hurt I was from the mean things I wanted to say, so I would tell him that I needed some time to sort out my feelings. I would try to get at the root of what was bothering me without generalizing. then we would sit and talk.

- DO NOT GO TO BED ANGRY. Make peace, it makes for a good's night sleep.

- learn what you like and dislike before you get married. define your personlity but don't be stuck in your ways, especially when it would be in your best interest to change for the better. but learn who you are
- don't be afraid to admit when you are wrong and be excited about making changes in your personality. God has this image of the woman and wife he wants you to become and he's ready and willing to mold you, but when you refuse to make changes especially when it's apparent that you need to you're pushing away God's hand and you put yourself farther and farther away from the woman and wife he knows you can become.
- treat your husband like a king. and you'll always be his queen. Pamper him, dote on him, spoil him. He deserves it. And if he's a goood man, he'll treat you the same and then some. and you'll feel so good doing it. Trust me, it's so much fun.
- remember that money and material things are not everything. Never live beyond your means. SPending all your time working and spending trying to chase some "american dream". People will have you believe that having a big home and a nice car and a certain type of job, a lavish wedding, a certain size wedding ring is true happiness, that you really don't have it all. But if you are loved, adored and cherished, even just by one person. You have it all. That is peace, that is happiness, that is success, THAT is priceless.

I agree with everything that was beautiful!!...thanks so much for sharing

 

[Opulence]

thank you!

 

[Farida]

For women who aren't married, and to men/boys/girls/as well:

Don't create a standard you can't maintain after marriage! Don't lure each other with false advertising! The more you know about each other before marriage, the better. Don't wait to drop bombshells after the big day.

Here's what I mean:

I knew this guy, he wasn't very wealthy, but came into a big bonus for a contractual job he did. The contract was up, but he had like an $18,000 bonus. Instead of saving the money or using it for school or debts or investments, he spent it on a girl.

Every week, he sent her a huge, expensive arrangement of flowers. He bought her lots of fancy jewelry, took her shopping at designer stores....he even bought her like 5 ipods because she couldn't pick what color she liked. He took her to concerts, shows, movies, bought her plane tickets...you name it.

Well, by the time he was marrying her, he could barely afford an engagement ring. After the wedding, they moved in with his parents, and as far as I know they are still living with them.

Now, when a man gets you used to that kind of treatment, when he stops, you feel unappreciated, cheated and it is all because he set the bar way higher than he can maintain.

I'm not saying men shouldn't woo you...I'm saying teach your sons, to set standards they can maintain after marriage. You shouldn't stop dating when you are married, or complimenting each other. Don't take each other for granted. The work isn't over just because you're hitched. Dr. Laura says, "be your DH's girlfriend, and he, your boyfriend."

Women, don't go buying your men $5,000 rolexes (sorry, i couldn't resist. lol) Doing all his laundry, cooking all his meals, and cleaning his place if you don't intend to do the same after marriage. You teach people how to treat you. It i not fair to teach someone one way and then get mad when they are still behaving the same towards you 10 years later.

That applies to early marriage too. It is the time to set boundaries, create routines and expectations. The sooner, the better. If you wait it out, there will be a lot more friction later. You will be angry and resentful and the other person doesn't know why.

 

[DayStar]

i wish someone would edit the original title!

 

[DarkHair]

I'm not sure if this been said, or if I even posted it. But a lesson that encountered recently was to have a clear understanding of what information is disclosed about your relationship.

For example: my mother in law asked DH if was looking for even trying to get a job. I heard her loud voice through the phone. I was hurt. He thought it was concern, I thought it was nosy. Seeing as though I'm starting a business (that she doesn't support), and I pay the utilities, and do the grocery shopping...its none of her concern. We literally fought the whole weekend. It took us a week to speak like civilized, grown, married adults. We came to the conclusion that the going ons at <insert our address here> is NO ONE's concern. Any little bit of information can be used against you or rumored in the future. The sanctity of marriage is much more than a statement, its a lifestyle.

 

[Opulence]

I'm not sure if this been said, or if I even posted it. But a lesson that encountered recently was to have a clear understanding of what information is disclosed about your relationship.

For example: my mother in law asked DH if was looking for even trying to get a job. I heard her loud voice through the phone. I was hurt. He thought it was concern, I thought it was nosy. Seeing as though I'm starting a business (that she doesn't support), and I pay the utilities, and do the grocery shopping...its none of her concern. We literally fought the whole weekend. It took us a week to speak like civilized, grown, married adults. We came to the conclusion that the going ons at <insert our address here> is NO ONE's concern. Any little bit of information can be used against you or rumored in the future. The sanctity of marriage is much more than a statement, its a lifestyle.

ok, can i just say that I love the bolded statement. I'm soooo going to use that!

 

[luxurious_lengths]

Ok. Just came accross this thread. I've learned a lot. There are quite a few things I could improve upon. I'm a married mother of 2 young children.

My question to all of you... how do you get ur SO to help around the house more?

I have a 2 and a half yr old and a 1 yr old. My house is a wreck. My husband doesn't feel inclinced to lift a finger. Once in a blue moon he'll do the dishes. And he'll wash his bathroom when it gets embarassing. My biggest issue is he throws his clothes everywhere

Advice...
Remember, at the end of the day, that you love him. You may not always like him but you LOVE him.

Oh, and time apart is just as important as time together.

Be Blessed!

 

[Pooks]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

I've been married five years. The first year was very hard. I wanted out. But my husband and I are extremely spiritual people and we were both determined to make it work with each other and with God. Oh my goodness I remember some days sitting on the bed crying my eyes out wondering what I had done.

As hard as it to admit. Looking back on the first year. I was the problem. No, my husband wasn't perfect, but my God I was blessed with a good man. It really hit me one day when I came home unexpectantly and I overheard my husband praying. He was crying (this is the first time I had ever seen or heard him cry). He was literally begging God to help him be a good hsuband and to remove whatever pain was in my heart so that I could see just how precious I was to him and to God. He repeatedly thanked God for giving him such a good wife and proceeded to expound on my good qualities! He asked God to search his heart and show him if there were things he was not doing. But he also apologized to God for sometimes wanting out of our marriage. That sometimes he wasn't happy and he didn't know what to do to make it work. He wanted to make it work and he was trying but he needed the strenght that only God could give to make it. He repeated how much he loved me he thanked God for bringing us together. But he felt he didn't know this woman that he had married.

I was floored. I couldn't stop crying, and I was just standing there with tears streaming down my eyes. I went down the stairs as slowly as possible and got back in my car and drove to the farthest part of our property near the water. I felt like crap. I started self medicating myself with shopping not long after we got married. I was never one to spend a lot of money on anything, but it was the only thing that would make me feel better for the time being. And that day was one of my shopping sprees. My SUV was completely full of shopping bags. I looked at all the bags, i looked at my purse, my car, my wedding rings. I had EVERYTHING a woman could ever want. I was young, in great shape (at the time), beautiful, I had a beautiful home, luxury car, a career, a handsome husband who even loved me despite myself, even though my husband is very frugal I wasn't in want of anything, he gave me whatever I wanted within reason, my inlaws loved me and adored me. My family was comfortable and all in good health, grandparents as well. But I was miserable! Completely and utterly unhappy. And I didn't know why.


You would think that I would have gone home and apologized and confess about hearing his prayer and thanking him and all that, but no, crazy me went home with an attitude, he could tell I was in "one of my moods" so he left me alone. I cooked dinner, got in bed and called it a night. of course I woke up feeling like crap the next morning. I went for a walk that morning. I must have walked for like 3 hours! Aroung and around and around. I prayed the whole time. I finally realized that I was dealing with some unresolved childhood issues. I started writing a journal to get everything out. Sometimes that's the disadvantage of getting married young and moving from your mother's roof to being married. You have no time to yourself to really sort out and resolve things in your life. especially repressed memories. You get married hoping your husband will fill some void in your life. or you don;t even realize that you have these grand expectations of him, but subconsciously you do and when you realize that he is not fulfilling them you are mad at him and mad at life because you are not getting what you need/want.

so basically my husband became my therapist, he got me to talk about my youth and my anger and pain etc. I started to let go and forgive.

We had created the worst patterns. I'm from a family that does not communicate well. When we are upset we don't talk and we isolate ourselves. So naturally that is what I brought to our marriage. My husband is the complete opposite. He has to talk about it right away and express himself and in two minutes he's over it and we're friends. But because i didn't function the same way it would frustrate him. so he eventually gave up on trying to get me to talk. He became like ME! Stopped talking when he was upset and isolated himself. So as you can see this was a great recipe for distaster. But we were both still very commited to our creator and to each other, and we slowly just started applying things we learned in the bible. even if i didn't want to speak and I felt that if I did I would say something evil. I would just blurt something out. anything to make him undersrtand or get a glimpse of what I was feeling. no matter how inaudible it was. most of the time I would be screaming and crying hysterically (thanks to my mom). then I would collapse on my bed crying uncontrollably and apologizing for being the worst wife.

Let me tell you God is what made our marriage work, and just doing everything the bible tells you to do. It has the best advice. But marrying someone who loved God more than he loved me really helped. I could see him making all kinds of adjustments and changes in his life to try and make our marriage work and it made me feel bad that I was being so stubborn, it motivated me to want to make changes. So I did. And we started to grow up and grow closer. Looking back I feel like I was such a different person then. Partly because I was. I ended up changing my birth control (i was on the patch) and I didn't realize how much it had contributed to my depression. After being off the patch for six months I could feel the difference. I was more positive. Happier, and my sex drive was out of control. I was in such a dark place in my life when I was on that patch.

Marriage is still not easy but we have the tools we need to make it a success and we are committed to that. We so enjoy each other's company and we really consider ourselves best friends. No one makes me happier or makes me laugh like he does.

So what have I learned?

- Marrying someone who loves God more than he loves you.
- Make sure he is God fearing as well, because a man that truly fears God will not do anything to hurt you
- Marrying someone with a really good sense of humor. They can make you see the humor in things that you take so seriously. They really help to humble you too because they make you realize how ridiculous you are being. and help you learn to laugh at yourself
- Try to take a trip abroad or do some traveling before getting married, traveling helpes you widen your perspective on life
- Figure out what you want out of life, set goals for yourself and your future husband
- Don't look for someone to make you happy or complete you. Resolve all those issues before you get married. Your husband can't be that father that walked out on your family when you were 7 and he's not the father that beat your mom for 7 years of your life. Your husband is your husband. Love him for who he is and for the man God will make him. Don't expect something else of him. He will not fill that void in your life, he may make it easier to deal with and even help you forget it at times but he will never fill it.
-Learn to forgive for past mistakes and move on. You rob your husband of the possibilities of greater happiness when you hang on to pain from your past and allow it to dictate who you are and what you do now. Call on God and allow him to call you to peace.
- say how you feel, but not with the intent to hurt. sometimes I couldn't separate how hurt I was from the mean things I wanted to say, so I would tell him that I needed some time to sort out my feelings. I would try to get at the root of what was bothering me without generalizing. then we would sit and talk.

- DO NOT GO TO BED ANGRY. Make peace, it makes for a good's night sleep.

- learn what you like and dislike before you get married. define your personlity but don't be stuck in your ways, especially when it would be in your best interest to change for the better. but learn who you are
- don't be afraid to admit when you are wrong and be excited about making changes in your personality. God has this image of the woman and wife he wants you to become and he's ready and willing to mold you, but when you refuse to make changes especially when it's apparent that you need to you're pushing away God's hand and you put yourself farther and farther away from the woman and wife he knows you can become.
- treat your husband like a king. and you'll always be his queen. Pamper him, dote on him, spoil him. He deserves it. And if he's a goood man, he'll treat you the same and then some. and you'll feel so good doing it. Trust me, it's so much fun.
- remember that money and material things are not everything. Never live beyond your means. SPending all your time working and spending trying to chase some "american dream". People will have you believe that having a big home and a nice car and a certain type of job, a lavish wedding, a certain size wedding ring is true happiness, that you really don't have it all. But if you are loved, adored and cherished, even just by one person. You have it all. That is peace, that is happiness, that is success, THAT is priceless.

Married just 3 weeks, with a lot of love, and plenty to learn (I'm a firm believer that there's always something to learn at all stages of life). This thread has given me so many tips, ideas, and aha moments. This post from Opulence touched my heart though - thanks so much for sharing this. Your husband sounds like a true blessing to you.

I am happy to be able to cosign on having a man who loves God more than he loves me, I have so much to give God thanks for, and thanks to threads like this, I will realise the blessing my DH is, try not to act crazy, and deliver the peace, piece, food, affirmation, etc. that my man needs.

Thanks to all who have posted, and thanks for the thread OP!

 

[mamaore]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Married for 6 years.

My big issue: miscommunication. For the first 4 years, I assumed he agreed with most of the stuff I said. I realize now he just made thoughtful noises that sounded like "ummhmm" to get me to stfu. All I saw was he didn't talk. It never occured to me that I didn't listen. With some men you have to not only listen for words, but also listen for body language.

I am also working on patience. I am waaayyyy more aggressive than he is. I'm a know-it-all too. It's my personality type and I honestly didn't realize this without an outside source pointing it out. I thought I was stating my opinion (which of course I thought was right because it is MY opinion) just like everyone else. Apparently I intimidate some people. Some people take offense to this. And my dh is one of them.
I think I knocked down his confidence and emasculated him by pointing out his flaws and what he could've and should've done. l never gave him the steering wheel and let him drive without being a backseat driver. I think this made him afraid to make decisions, but his pride was too stubborn to speak up about it or admit it. But if you feel like someone is waiting for you to mess up, and you begin to lose confidence in yourself, then you feel like wtf, why even try.
Soooo.... 1)communication- its hard to communicate if you have different communication styles and 2)PLEASE... let the man take the lead. You married him so trust he will get you to where you want to be. Dont make the mistake I made, second guessing everything, and not allowing him to figure things out. You rather him make mistakes early in marriage rather than late. Give him time to figure it out and gently nudge him in the right direction if you feel you are WAY off course.

Ok so this is me right here. right now I am at my wits end. I seriously do not know what to do. anyway I'll make a thread about it.

 

[skegeesmb]

I haven't been married for 7 years...yet, but it will be 6 years next month.

All this advice is very good advice!

I'll add mine:

Compliment your husband. I didn't realize it, but when we were with friends, I just started mentioning things that he did that were good. I mean I didn't do this shamelessly, but just stupid things like my husband made dinner it was so good right DH, and he'd smile and brag to our friends and say yeah. He would go out of his way to do things because I let my friends know how much I appreciated him.

Try try try not to talk bad about your husband to other people. For some reason it always seems to get back to them and it makes for stress.

The control issue. I know that we like to have everything under control because a lot of us were taught we need to do it all for ourselves. It's exhausting, and you will probably want help down the road. I had control issues, but I have eased up a lot, and I don't feel as resentful as I did in the beginning of the marriage because I was trying to play superwoman.

His hobbies. My husband is the biggest gamer you will ever meet. He loves 40k, WoW, playing on his X-box 360 all that stuff. My friends husband is the same way, but she hates it and will harp on him to get off. Try not to take those outlets away from them. Shoot if he told me to stay away from hobbies he would be getting some words.

 

[krikit96]

Is this a sticky yet??Subscribing!!!!

 

[t23luvgod]

omg this is the best thread ever!!!!
i learned soo much!
thank you ladies!

 

[Candy1978]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

This is soooo true not sweating the small stuff. I've been married for 2 1/2 months and my Hubby and I realize that small stuff is not worth it. just last night he said he realized that instead of complaining about every little thing that I don't do he can just step in and help out...it makes things run smoother than complaining.....it really is a give and take.

Oops... I didn't realize I'd actually submitted a half-completed answer. Here's my real response:

Control
I'd had been single for awhile I found myself trying to be in control of everything and wanting things to happen my way. My husband is very laid back, but he was also very wise in that he just sat back and let me wear myself out trying to "make it all happen." I finally got the clue that I needed to allow him to take his role as the husband (the head) as I came along side of him as his help.

The Ex-Wife
My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage. We experienced some really ugly episodes because she wasn’t as prepared to see him with someone else as she thought (even though she requested the divorce.) I HATED this woman for MANY years and my feelings for her prevented me from really being able to embrace his daughter as part of our new. In retrospect, my husband and I have agreed that HE should have dealt with his ex-wife early on in order to have a better relationship with his daughter. After all, she was just the child caught in the middle of drama.

The In-Law
It’s necessary to have some boundaries for your in-laws. My mother-in-law came to live in our city a few years ago. She and my husband have this small-town mentality that says it’s ok to show up at someone’s house unannounced. Well, to my dismay, one day I’m prancing around the living room virtually naked and I look out the window and here she comes walking up the driveway. I was HEATED! From that experience, we learned you have to (respectfully) set some boundaries for your parents.

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff
This is probably one of the most important things. When we grasped this, our marriage soared to another level. There is SOOOOOO much stuff that just isn’t worth haggling over: who left the toilet seat up, who left the cabinets open, who left the cap off the toothpaste. Mind you, this doesn’t mean we don’t mention these things to one another, but it’s not worth arguing or attacking one another over. Marriages face enough challenges without our pet peeves chipping away at the relationship.

This is my short list.

 

[HERicane10]

WOW! You guys ain't JUST in here for the hair! Great thread! Just made 10 years and still feel like a baby! Opulence and A. Marie, your posts really encouraged me! I'm in the middle of a struggle now and just told God I'm gonna go sit my controlling butt down some where and let him get to work, cuz I ain't done nothing but waste His time.

 

[honeycomb719]

Its threads like this that has kept me on LHCF for 6yrs. Brillant posting ladies!!! Soaking it all in.

 

[Opulence]

Glad I could help ladies. I still can't believe I posted something so personal but it's an experience I share with a lot of my newlywed friends and single friends as well hoping it will help someone along the way. Or even help someone who's marriage is at the breaking point. A lot of our friends are shocked when we tell them how rough things were between us in the beginning. they see us now and think we've always been in sync and so happy. please!

my husband and I are on our way to 5 yrs this November and let me tell you marriage has been quite the ride. I feel like I've been reborn. I'm still the same old me but different. A good different. Marriage has been harder than I expected but I'm also happier than I could have dreamed or imagined. Weird combo but I think most of you know what I mean. Some days he makes you want to claw his eyes out then other days you watch him sleep and your eyes fill with tears imagining your life without him.

I always had happily married people around me (except for my parents) so I thought marriage would be a piece of cake. Nope it takes work. The happy marriages you see took work. so "work it" ladies. Work hard and enjoy the fruits of your labor...happiness and success.

 

[melodies815]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Don't force him to communicate. That was very hard for me. When I wanted to talk, we HAD to talk RIGHT THEN! He didn't take too kindly to that. If a man tells you to leave it alone, leave it alone for awhile. He's probably trying to keep from choking you.

Girl...three years in this October, and I am STILL learning this one. We are on vacation right now,and I got caught up on the 4th day of holiday and wanted him to be close by me like the other couples "seem" to be. He almost choked-slammed me asking for space. LOL The truly sad thing is I watched another couple not ten minutes later having a HUGE fight because of the wife. Thankfully, we avoided any kind of argument because I backed off at the last moment.

I gave him ten minutes to himself and he was back to normal, cuddly and just fine. This is a really, really hard one for me because I like to talk RIGHT NOW. I like to cuddle on my own timing...even if all I am talking about is the goat I saw on the side of the road and his mind is on some paperwork he faxed and is kind of stressed about whether or not it arrived in the office.

Silly Christi. Sweet hubby.

Thanks for the reminder and for this post!!

cj

 

[melodies815]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

My dh is a Sag and blunt to the core. I've learned to know that his delivery is abrupt but I weed through to get the message

Okay...this is the BEST THREAD EVER!!!

Forget my hair, I need to be in here EVAH DAY!!! My Sweetie is a real Sweetiepie, but there are definitely some things I could do better to bring out the best side of him. He's a man, after all...not built like me, and I should not expec him to me like me. I think I do pretty well, but on days like today, I feel like I could have done better. Poor Dexter...

He's sleeping well at the moment (can I git a high five??!!?) but I want tomorrow to be the best day ever for him. I am on the verge of tears at how gracious the women on this thread have been at sharing their experiences in order to help us grow as wives.

Thanks to everyone, I am now off to read every single post...

subscribing...

cj

 

[brittdadutchess]

I know I may be a little young....recently turned 18, but I also love this thread.

I have no plans to get married soon but I think this info appeals to anyone in a relationship. I've been with my SO for almost two years (young love I know but it's REAL) and I have learned a great deal from many wise women in this area of lhcf. I'll definately continue to read!

Thanks ladies! I will be your grasshopper!

 

[butterfly_wings]

I'm at page 10, but this thread is great!!!

I realise I like things my way a bit too much. I deceided to sent him a 'text' and he liked it so much he offered to give me a pedicure later.

I'm writing notes, thanks ladies xx

 

[Sade']

Loving this!!! Food Sex and Peace is my motto now...I just need something to enhance my libido I swear!! Any suggestions ladies??

 

[newbiemom]

I am super attached to my mom so cutting the apron strings and letting my hubby be my goto instead of mom.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Married for 6 years.

My big issue: miscommunication. For the first 4 years, I assumed he agreed with most of the stuff I said. I realize now he just made thoughtful noises that sounded like "ummhmm" to get me to stfu. All I saw was he didn't talk. It never occured to me that I didn't listen. With some men you have to not only listen for words, but also listen for body language.

I am also working on patience. I am waaayyyy more aggressive than he is. I'm a know-it-all too. It's my personality type and I honestly didn't realize this without an outside source pointing it out. I thought I was stating my opinion (which of course I thought was right because it is MY opinion) just like everyone else. Apparently I intimidate some people. Some people take offense to this. And my dh is one of them.
I think I knocked down his confidence and emasculated him by pointing out his flaws and what he could've and should've done. l never gave him the steering wheel and let him drive without being a backseat driver. I think this made him afraid to make decisions, but his pride was too stubborn to speak up about it or admit it. But if you feel like someone is waiting for you to mess up, and you begin to lose confidence in yourself, then you feel like wtf, why even try.
Soooo.... 1)communication- its hard to communicate if you have different communication styles and 2)PLEASE... let the man take the lead. You married him so trust he will get you to where you want to be. Dont make the mistake I made, second guessing everything, and not allowing him to figure things out. You rather him make mistakes early in marriage rather than late. Give him time to figure it out and gently nudge him in the right direction if you feel you are WAY off course.

Daaaaaamn! Can I say damn? Daaaaaamn! THIS IS SO ME! Oh my goodness! You truly don't see yourself until someone tells you or you see someone else do it and reaiize it's you! I need to call my boyfriend and tell him how sorry I am

 

[Curlyt78]

You need to learn to balance time for yourself, him, the home, and work. But you do come first, no the dishes, not the vacum, no the clothes, not your job.
Don't forget to date.
Don't bring your bad day from work home and take it out on your family. Don't take your bad day from home to work and take it out on your coworkers.
No one person in the house is the maid or the cook, this is a TEAM effort!

I always let my man have a time to say what he needs to say without me interrupting and I have to wait a few hours to respond. Blunt truth, say it how he feels it, whatever it is. The time period give me time to cool off and try to understand his point of view. Sometimes it hurts, but atleast we can work through things if we talk.

 

[Curlyt78]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Oh yeah... Any time people say they don't argue with their spouse just look at them and say MMmmmmm. They obviously do not communicate with each other then. And no communication leads to lies, secrets, working longer hours to stay away from home, spending time with other friends, neglect, and affairs.

 

[MrsWatson]

Haven't been married long, but I must agree with all the ladies who said 1. don't sweat the little things- some things aren't worth an argument. Instead of yelling when DH puts the roll of toilet paper on backwards, I just re-do it. 2. What happens in your house, stays in your house. Some things shouldn't be shared with the in laws, etc. etc. Other people can misinterpret things or deliberately use information to try to hurt you and your marriage. It's not even worth it.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Have you done anything else besides stopping to fix the problem? I am not married yet, but this is one of the only problems i have with my boyfriend. We both work. When i get home i have to cook, clean, and do homework with my son. He comes home gets a plate and turns on ESPN! I have tried to let things go, but then i end up with a sink full of moldy dishes or a whole laundry room full of dirty clothes! He says that i need to ask him to do stuff. But i dont feel like i should have to tell a grown man to clean the bath tub when you can see the ring around it!

My father is just like my boyfriend. My stepmother is sooo unhappy now that all she talks about is divorce! They have been together for over 15yrs! If they did get a divorce i wouldn't blame her. I dont want to make the same mistake my step mother did. We are planning to get married, but i am not trying to be someone's maid. He is a great guy and we really dont have any other problems, but I would like to fix this miscommunication before we say "I do"

I'm not sure if I'm even qualified to give marital advice but I wouldn't let something like that stop me from tying the knot with the man who you clearly love enough to consider marrying. You don't have to disrespect him, but let him know that you aren't a maid and that he needs to step up. Have you tried talking with him yet? If you haven't, in the middle of ESPN might be a good time to say "Hey, look. This ain't the Hyatt!" ..ok, maybe not that sassy.

 

[BrownSkinQT]

I'm not married either but I've been in an up and down, on and off relationship with my BF for almost seven years in December. I really, really need to get over trippin over those little insignifcant things that don't mean crap at the end of the day. Whenever he would tell me I get mad at him over nothing I would retort "just because it's little to you doesn't mean it isn't a big deal to me. I just got that after all this time that in the grand scheme of things, some stuff just doesn't matter. I've had to learn this from my male friends that are married or have girlfriends; they give me the best advice IMO.

Male friends is another sensitive subject with men. I've been taught that if you have male friends, your SO should know them and be comfortable around them. I tend to have more male friends than female so I really need to practice this. Once your married you should hang around other married couples because most of tthe time the single friends will want to hang in the clubs all the time and all night and may not have anyone to go home to.

Lastly, in a marriage, this goes under communication, the right hand has to know what the left hand is doing.

 

[varaneka]

LOL @ food sex and peace

 

[BrownSkinQT]

I forgot to add consideration. I used to be so rude when I would be getting dressed or just watching tv period. I would turn on the bathroom light which is attached to the bedroom and it is pretty bright and shines towards the head of the bed and have the tv on kinda loud, all of this while he was sleeping. My poor baby. I feel so bad when I reflect upon my actions.