I've been married five years. The first year was very hard. I wanted out. But my husband and I are extremely spiritual people and we were both determined to make it work with each other and with God. Oh my goodness I remember some days sitting on the bed crying my eyes out wondering what I had done.
As hard as it to admit. Looking back on the first year. I was the problem. No, my husband wasn't perfect, but my God I was blessed with a good man. It really hit me one day when I came home unexpectantly and I overheard my husband praying. He was crying (this is the first time I had ever seen or heard him cry). He was literally begging God to help him be a good hsuband and to remove whatever pain was in my heart so that I could see just how precious I was to him and to God. He repeatedly thanked God for giving him such a good wife and proceeded to expound on my good qualities! He asked God to search his heart and show him if there were things he was not doing. But he also apologized to God for sometimes wanting out of our marriage. That sometimes he wasn't happy and he didn't know what to do to make it work. He wanted to make it work and he was trying but he needed the strenght that only God could give to make it. He repeated how much he loved me he thanked God for bringing us together. But he felt he didn't know this woman that he had married.
I was floored. I couldn't stop crying, and I was just standing there with tears streaming down my eyes. I went down the stairs as slowly as possible and got back in my car and drove to the farthest part of our property near the water. I felt like crap. I started self medicating myself with shopping not long after we got married. I was never one to spend a lot of money on anything, but it was the only thing that would make me feel better for the time being. And that day was one of my shopping sprees. My SUV was completely full of shopping bags. I looked at all the bags, i looked at my purse, my car, my wedding rings. I had EVERYTHING a woman could ever want. I was young, in great shape (at the time), beautiful, I had a beautiful home, luxury car, a career, a handsome husband who even loved me despite myself, even though my husband is very frugal I wasn't in want of anything, he gave me whatever I wanted within reason, my inlaws loved me and adored me. My family was comfortable and all in good health, grandparents as well. But I was miserable! Completely and utterly unhappy. And I didn't know why.
You would think that I would have gone home and apologized and confess about hearing his prayer and thanking him and all that, but no, crazy me went home with an attitude, he could tell I was in "one of my moods" so he left me alone. I cooked dinner, got in bed and called it a night. of course I woke up feeling like crap the next morning. I went for a walk that morning. I must have walked for like 3 hours! Aroung and around and around. I prayed the whole time. I finally realized that I was dealing with some unresolved childhood issues. I started writing a journal to get everything out. Sometimes that's the disadvantage of getting married young and moving from your mother's roof to being married. You have no time to yourself to really sort out and resolve things in your life. especially repressed memories. You get married hoping your husband will fill some void in your life. or you don;t even realize that you have these grand expectations of him, but subconsciously you do and when you realize that he is not fulfilling them you are mad at him and mad at life because you are not getting what you need/want.
so basically my husband became my therapist, he got me to talk about my youth and my anger and pain etc. I started to let go and forgive.
We had created the worst patterns. I'm from a family that does not communicate well. When we are upset we don't talk and we isolate ourselves. So naturally that is what I brought to our marriage. My husband is the complete opposite. He has to talk about it right away and express himself and in two minutes he's over it and we're friends. But because i didn't function the same way it would frustrate him. so he eventually gave up on trying to get me to talk. He became like ME! Stopped talking when he was upset and isolated himself. So as you can see this was a great recipe for distaster. But we were both still very commited to our creator and to each other, and we slowly just started applying things we learned in the bible. even if i didn't want to speak and I felt that if I did I would say something evil. I would just blurt something out. anything to make him undersrtand or get a glimpse of what I was feeling. no matter how inaudible it was. most of the time I would be screaming and crying hysterically (thanks to my mom). then I would collapse on my bed crying uncontrollably and apologizing for being the worst wife.
Let me tell you God is what made our marriage work, and just doing everything the bible tells you to do. It has the best advice. But marrying someone who loved God more than he loved me really helped. I could see him making all kinds of adjustments and changes in his life to try and make our marriage work and it made me feel bad that I was being so stubborn, it motivated me to want to make changes. So I did. And we started to grow up and grow closer. Looking back I feel like I was such a different person then. Partly because I was. I ended up changing my birth control (i was on the patch) and I didn't realize how much it had contributed to my depression. After being off the patch for six months I could feel the difference. I was more positive. Happier, and my sex drive was out of control. I was in such a dark place in my life when I was on that patch.
Marriage is still not easy but we have the tools we need to make it a success and we are committed to that. We so enjoy each other's company and we really consider ourselves best friends. No one makes me happier or makes me laugh like he does.
So what have I learned?
- Marrying someone who loves God more than he loves you.
- Make sure he is God fearing as well, because a man that truly fears God will not do anything to hurt you
- Marrying someone with a really good sense of humor. They can make you see the humor in things that you take so seriously. They really help to humble you too because they make you realize how ridiculous you are being. and help you learn to laugh at yourself
- Try to take a trip abroad or do some traveling before getting married, traveling helpes you widen your perspective on life
- Figure out what you want out of life, set goals for yourself and your future husband
- Don't look for someone to make you happy or complete you. Resolve all those issues before you get married. Your husband can't be that father that walked out on your family when you were 7 and he's not the father that beat your mom for 7 years of your life. Your husband is your husband. Love him for who he is and for the man God will make him. Don't expect something else of him. He will not fill that void in your life, he may make it easier to deal with and even help you forget it at times but he will never fill it.
-Learn to forgive for past mistakes and move on. You rob your husband of the possibilities of greater happiness when you hang on to pain from your past and allow it to dictate who you are and what you do now. Call on God and allow him to call you to peace.
- say how you feel, but not with the intent to hurt. sometimes I couldn't separate how hurt I was from the mean things I wanted to say, so I would tell him that I needed some time to sort out my feelings. I would try to get at the root of what was bothering me without generalizing. then we would sit and talk.
- DO NOT GO TO BED ANGRY. Make peace, it makes for a good's night sleep.
- learn what you like and dislike before you get married. define your personlity but don't be stuck in your ways, especially when it would be in your best interest to change for the better. but learn who you are
- don't be afraid to admit when you are wrong and be excited about making changes in your personality. God has this image of the woman and wife he wants you to become and he's ready and willing to mold you, but when you refuse to make changes especially when it's apparent that you need to you're pushing away God's hand and you put yourself farther and farther away from the woman and wife he knows you can become.
- treat your husband like a king. and you'll always be his queen. Pamper him, dote on him, spoil him. He deserves it. And if he's a goood man, he'll treat you the same and then some. and you'll feel so good doing it. Trust me, it's so much fun.
- remember that money and material things are not everything. Never live beyond your means. SPending all your time working and spending trying to chase some "american dream". People will have you believe that having a big home and a nice car and a certain type of job, a lavish wedding, a certain size wedding ring is true happiness, that you really don't have it all. But if you are loved, adored and cherished, even just by one person. You have it all. That is peace, that is happiness, that is success, THAT is priceless.
But I'm also too sensitive when it comes to words too.
Dude hadn't got any in like 4 days. So that coupled with NO FOOD, shooot.....was liable to send him over the edge. 
erplexedI'm sorry. was my post too long?
