Married Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

[AnitaTheLengths]

Early on, our major problem was outsiders. We let other people, friends, family members, co-workers etc add drama to the relationship that was unnecessary. I wanted to spend time with him, he wanted to hang out with the fellas and drink after work. His mom and sisters would disrespect me CONSTANTLY and he didn't stand up for me. I've always had male friends and when he was hanging out with his fellas, I was hanging out with mine (which became a problem for him, imagine that!). And yes, eventually my plutonic guy friends tried me (which is another topic for another thread). Also when we'd argue, I'd run and tell all the sins to my family, but then 2 weeks later when we were all in love again, certain members of my family were still hating and treating him like a buster.

That being said, we both learned and grew from those mistakes. Now when he hangs out with the fellas the wives are invited and we all hang together. I started to stand up for myself and fight back against his mothers and sisters crap and sure enough he followed my lead. He realized that MY family didn't treat him like that and put those *****s in their place where they remain to this day (Thank you Jesus!) And we learned to keep our business, OUR business. I don't run to my cousins and cry at every little argument.

Communication is KEY! And pray, pray, pray! Always express your true feelings even if it hurts him, or you to say it. Marriage is the hardest job I've ever had but it's also the most rewarding. Marriage is a partnership so be careful not to bind yourself to someone and it become an "unevenly yoked" situation. If your SO isn't a true partner yall should sit down and figure out a way to change that whether it be him changing his ways, you changing yours or changing the partner. And beware of outsiders and their influence. The 3rd member in marriage is GOD - anyone else can kick rocks!

 

[Khaiya]

I've only been married 1 year and 2 months but i'll still add my piece. An issue for me has been my DH's aunts, they're half indian, half white and SUPER racist! They've never met me and have no desire to, without knowing a thing about me they've tried to poison my DH's mind against me just because i'm black. Thankfully he wasn't having it and he's always quick to put them in they're place but it bothers me and i dread an occasion where i might have to meet them, like a family reunion thats coming up in a few weeks but we'll see.

Second issue that has been a lot more troublesome is sex! Man we had some real arguments and bitterness about that, after marriage i was NEVER in the mood and he is ALWAYS in the mood, ALWAYS. I shut him down so many times and got so annoyed that that was all he wanted, he just stopped trying. I stopped taking the BC pills around our 1 year mark and my libido soared, now i cant get enough of him but he's still cautious about approaching me because i shut him down so much before, i sat down an talked to him about it, told him how sorry i was and explained that the pills were the issue and i go after him when i want him so he knows i'm not joking about the change. Since then its been all smiles, we never go to bed angry anymore.

 

[Momstar]

This thread is really good and I wish I was in a place to receive and apply this. I know the food thing to be very true. Unfortunately,dh is not interested in sex or even sleeping in the same room with me .He says the baby is too loud.I'm pregnant so I hope that's the reason there is no sex.

I had to delete the rest of my original post because I said alot of things out of anger and frustration. I don't hate my husband or marriage(all the time) but I miss the la la land of our dating life.But, I still don't see how or why I have to be so concerned with his happiness and food all the time. I think marriage is a little unfair because it seems like the man benefits more. I think part of my problem is that my MIL spoiled her kids and he expects the same selfless devotion from me. I can't do that, not for long anyway.

 

[Opulence]

kathryn, my heart sank when I read your post. Sweetie if you are not happy in your marriage and you don't feel your husband isn't either, you can't continue to live like nothing is wrong. You have to talk about this. these feelings are not healthy especially for the baby. From what I understand you have a baby and one on the way? Even if the baby is too loud, that is not an acceptable reason to leave your pregnant wife and child and sleep in another room. Marriage and especially parenthood is a team effort, and you can't go at it alone. I'm sure you would like a sound sleep some time as well. But when you make the decision (and it is a decision that is made) to start a family you are committing to doing whatever it take to raise that child, TOGETHER.

This post is just disturbing on so many levels. Have you tried to express how you feel to your husband? Is there something goin on with him? Why do you have to speculate regarding why he doesn't want to have sex with you? This is something you should have already talked to him about and find out why he is not sexually attracted to you anymore. Kathryn this isn't acceptable sweetie. You guys have some issues that need to be discussed. Do you have mutual friends (preferrably older and happily married) that the two of you can sit and talk with? What about marriage counseling? Are either of you bible readers. There is so much wonderful, timeless, and priceless advice in the bible on marriage and being a parent. It would be great if this is something you both did together.

 

[Momstar]

I'm feeling a little embarassed that I was so open about my feelings, but it's good to get another person's perspective and also validate my own feelings. Talking isn't so effective if the other person is automatically defensive all the time. Today things are good and the day after our "fight" (although it was more of an unproductive discussion) he was really nice although I can't say that the original issue is resolved.
I don't think he realizes how much he hurts my feelings when he behaves that way. And I honestly believe it comes from him being selfish and stubborn. I am fine now until we have to have a real discussion again and he get's upset and doesn't talk.

kathryn, my heart sank when I read your post. Sweetie if you are not happy in your marriage and you don't feel your husband isn't either, you can't continue to live like nothing is wrong. You have to talk about this. these feelings are not healthy especially for the baby. From what I understand you have a baby and one on the way? Even if the baby is too loud, that is not an acceptable reason to leave your pregnant wife and child and sleep in another room. Marriage and especially parenthood is a team effort, and you can't go at it alone. I'm sure you would like a sound sleep some time as well. But when you make the decision (and it is a decision that is made) to start a family you are committing to doing whatever it take to raise that child, TOGETHER.

This post is just disturbing on so many levels. Have you tried to express how you feel to your husband? Is there something goin on with him? Why do you have to speculate regarding why he doesn't want to have sex with you? This is something you should have already talked to him about and find out why he is not sexually attracted to you anymore. Kathryn this isn't acceptable sweetie. You guys have some issues that need to be discussed. Do you have mutual friends (preferrably older and happily married) that the two of you can sit and talk with? What about marriage counseling? Are either of you bible readers. There is so much wonderful, timeless, and priceless advice in the bible on marriage and being a parent. It would be great if this is something you both did together.

 

[Opulence]

This just bother me on so many levels. There has to be a way that you both can have an open honest discussion. What about having a mediator? someone to facilitate the discussion?

 

[Opulence]

We celebrate our 5 year anniversary the end of this month and everyday I'm blown away by his compassion, selflessness, humility, and his abiding love for me.

Sunday we had a wonderful morning and afternoon together. then he got called in to work at the hospital. I decided to make a really nice dinner so it would be waiting for him when he got home. Twice on his way home he got called back to the hospital. He called me and I looked at the caller ID and noticed the call was coming from the hospital, my heart just sank knowing he would be home late and he said " I'm so sorry babe. I'm going to be home really late, are you going to be ok?". This is nothing new for us. He's on call 2 weekends out of the motnh. But for some reason, when he asked me that question I just burst in to tears and said "But I miss you! I wanted you home!". I instantly felt so selfish and silly. We had spent basically the whole day together. He apologized over and over again and that really made me feel bad because I know he loves his job. So i got myself together and said I would be fine. I set a plate for him on the warmer, and started getting ready for bed. He got home around 2 am and woke me up to tell me that he would only be taking call once a month now. I felt like such a loser. I told him I didn't want him to do that, I was on my period and that made me extra emotional, we had the entire day together, I didn't mean to sound so selfish, etc. etc. He just held me and laughed and asked if I was sure. He said "you know I can't handle it when you cry, if anything ever bothers you about our marriage or my work, you tell me. Nothing is more important to me then you, and I never want anything coming between us. You really had me worried today, I felt like I was neglecting you. I didn't mean to wake you up but I just had to get that off my chest. But since you're up do you mind sitting downstairs with me while I have a bowl of cereal?" (he doesn't eat heavy food late at night). you couldn't slap the stupid smile off my face, as I jumped out of the bed like a five year old and followed him downstairs. He ate and I just rambled on about who knows what, you would think I hadn't seen him in months the way I was talking.

Even after 5 years he still gives me butterflies in my stomach and makes me blush.

I didn't grow up in a house with a loving father, as a matter of fact, there was only a "father" like figure in my house until I was seven. After that it was just us and mommy. Anyways, my idea of marriage or my expectations of marriage were way off. there was so much I was expecting from a husband but I never took the time to think about what I had to bring to a marriage, or what would be expected of me. Of course I wanted to marry for love, but I didn't think I would. I was resigned to marry someone I liked a lot made a lot of money and let me live my life. But my husband came along and changed all of that. Even while we were courting I didn't think he was the real deal. And me and my then self-destructive ways kept thinking "he's going to leave me at some point, what does he want from me, I have to leave him before he leaves me." I actually broke up with him for a period of time. I didn't believe it was possible to fall in love with someone so fast. I was afraid things were moving too fast and that I was not thinkinging clearly. well here we are 5 years later and I stand corrected. I'm happy beyond belief, he respects me, cherishes me, protects me, and makes sure there is never any doubt in my mind about how he feels about me. he's not embarrassed to tell me or show me how he feels. I tell him he's a member of a dying species of "real men". He's very much about family and taking care of his family, and handling his business. He feels if i am not taken care of mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and materially, he's not doing his job, and he takes that very seriously. He feels very accountable to God about how I am treated and that just endears him to me more and more. There is nothing and I mean nothing like a "God fearing" man. I'm in awe and humbled at this blessing I have been given.

 

[Amour]

We celebrate our 5 year anniversary the end of this month and everyday I'm blown away by his compassion, selflessness, humility, and his abiding love for me.

Sunday we had a wonderful morning and afternoon together. then he got called in to work at the hospital. I decided to make a really nice dinner so it would be waiting for him when he got home. Twice on his way home he got called back to the hospital. He called me and I looked at the caller ID and noticed the call was coming from the hospital, my heart just sank knowing he would be home late and he said " I'm so sorry babe. I'm going to be home really late, are you going to be ok?". This is nothing new for us. He's on call 2 weekends out of the motnh. But for some reason, when he asked me that question I just burst in to tears and said "But I miss you! I wanted you home!". I instantly felt so selfish and silly. We had spent basically the whole day together. He apologized over and over again and that really made me feel bad because I know he loves his job. So i got myself together and said I would be fine. I set a plate for him on the warmer, and started getting ready for bed. He got home around 2 am and woke me up to tell me that he would only be taking call once a month now. I felt like such a loser. I told him I didn't want him to do that, I was on my period and that made me extra emotional, we had the entire day together, I didn't mean to sound so selfish, etc. etc. He just held me and laughed and asked if I was sure. He said "you know I can't handle it when you cry, if anything ever bothers you about our marriage or my work, you tell me. Nothing is more important to me then you, and I never want anything coming between us. You really had me worried today, I felt like I was neglecting you. I didn't mean to wake you up but I just had to get that off my chest. But since you're up do you mind sitting downstairs with me while I have a bowl of cereal?" (he doesn't eat heavy food late at night). you couldn't slap the stupid smile off my face, as I jumped out of the bed like a five year old and followed him downstairs. He ate and I just rambled on about who knows what, you would think I hadn't seen him in months the way I was talking.

Even after 5 years he still gives me butterflies in my stomach and makes me blush.

I didn't grow up in a house with a loving father, as a matter of fact, there was only a "father" like figure in my house until I was seven. After that it was just us and mommy. Anyways, my idea of marriage or my expectations of marriage were way off. there was so much I was expecting from a husband but I never took the time to think about what I had to bring to a marriage, or what would be expected of me. Of course I wanted to marry for love, but I didn't think I would. I was resigned to marry someone I liked a lot made a lot of money and let me live my life. But my husband came along and changed all of that. Even while we were courting I didn't think he was the real deal. And me and my then self-destructive ways kept thinking "he's going to leave me at some point, what does he want from me, I have to leave him before he leaves me." I actually broke up with him for a period of time. I didn't believe it was possible to fall in love with someone so fast. I was afraid things were moving too fast and that I was not thinkinging clearly. well here we are 5 years later and I stand corrected. I'm happy beyond belief, he respects me, cherishes me, protects me, and makes sure there is never any doubt in my mind about how he feels about me. he's not embarrassed to tell me or show me how he feels. I tell him he's a member of a dying species of "real men". He's very much about family and taking care of his family, and handling his business. He feels if i am not taken care of mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and materially, he's not doing his job, and he takes that very seriously. He feels very accountable to God about how I am treated and that just endears him to me more and more. There is nothing and I mean nothing like a "God fearing" man. I'm in awe and humbled at this blessing I have been given.

Praise God, for your beautiful blessing of a marriage !!!!!

God truly blessed you with a good 'ne

 

[Opulence]

thanks!

 

[-PYT]

…......................

 

[Opulence]

PYT, congrats on the relationship. If he's "the one". You'll know. It will be undeniable, no matter how hard you try to fight it. If it's good and it feels right, just go with it, don't fight it. "Don't mess this up!" is what my mother kept telling me. Stay committed to him and to the relationship. Respect yourself and respect him. And always act like a lady. my mom would say "every girl becomes a woman at some point, but only you can decide to be a lady. you can marry a man or a gentleman. Gentlemen don't marry women, they marry ladies." this is a loose translation from our native tongue. When she would say that I would give her the . "yea mom, whatever face". we're an african family and the adults always spoke in proverbs to us. at least it seemed like that to us.it drove me nuts. my husband is like "why does it seem like everyone in your family speaks in riddles". that's because they do!

One time I thought I would try and be cute. I was about 16 or 17. I went to my cousins graduation party and decided I wanted to wear something really short. The whole evening I felt uncomfortable, I kept tugging at the dress pulling it down. My uncle pulled me aside and said (another loose translation) "I know I don't have to say this because I can see that you are uncomfortable and will probably never wear something like this again. but just in case you have another lapse in judgement remember baba (father, dad) said; a newspaper wants to be accurate and a woman wants to be seen as virtuous. But if a newspaper makes a mistake, they can reprint and retract their statement. Once a woman loses her virtue or her worth, it's gone forever." I know that's a quote from someone, I just don't know who, for years I thought my unlce came up with that himself I never forgot that. and i never forgot what my mom said about being a lady. I never wore anything that short again. I have a large chest but I never wore anything to draw attention to that part of my body. I always wanted to be viewed and treated like a lady. That dictated what I wore, what I said, who i associated with, what I watched, what I read, etc. But I also noticed that the men/boys that were attracted to me were different. Either older or just more focused, well rounded. yes of course they were physically attracted to me, but that's not what was at the forefront of their minds or speech. THey really appreciated me for who i was on the inside and what I was on the outside just complimented that. that is what attracted my husband. He said I was different. I carried myself different then other women my age. He said I was "dignified" and he had to know why, and what was going on in my head. don't think that I dress or act like an old lady. I just don't follow all the latest trends, I wear what suits my body and complexion and my style is classic, never goes out of style.

Lots of babbling I know, but basically I'm saying act like a lady and you'll be treated like one. that too is a dying breed, "ladies".

 

[Jaegermany]

Opulence....
I wish I had women like you in my family! I come from a matriarchal foundation. So now that Im married I cant depend on my mom or my grandma or aunts for "wisdom". Everything you have said is priceless and so honest. Muchas Gracias!

Zaynab....
Everything you said was so down to earth I felt like you and I were homegirls! LOL

For those affianced...I will say pre-marital counseling is super important. You will learn things that will help you down the road.

For those still dating...dont be so quick to play the wife role until you have been given the actual title. While he should always treat you respectful...you may wear youself out being the wife long before the title is given while he may be treating you as his girlfriend.
Take your time. Im not saying hold anything back but I am saying be careful and not to eager.

My advice...
Dont allow outsiders to have any control within your marriage/household. My husband has children from his previous marriage. I allowed the ex wifes behavior to affect me too much.

Know your husbands personality. He may not be the type of person to check his mother or ex wife or childs mother. So while always reacting within reason, demand respect.
He mayeven be the type of person who prefers to deal with his family during conflict, give him the time and space to do so.

Say how you feel. In an argument you may have told him he was a sorry something or another and some more stuff and he still wont know why you are mad!
Be clear: I am upset because you made me feel.....when you...

Know what you need.... to be what you need... when you need to be it...

Know what is most important to you in life. You can want it all but only need basic essentials to survive. Know what your essentials are (however small or big)!

When they say you will only get 80% of what you need in a marriage, its true.
Know your 80%! Know his 80%!


You only get one life, no do overs! Be slow to take and quick to give.

 

[melodies815]

Loving this!!! Food Sex and Peace is my motto now...I just need something to enhance my libido I swear!! Any suggestions ladies??

I think my libido is high, but his is higher. What I do is pray...and ask the Lord to give me what my hubby needs from me if I don't have that going on at the moment. I never turn him down because...well...why do that? That's game playing.

I put myself in his shoes and try to imagine what he may be feeling and then respond to him based on what I believe he needs and based on what he has clearly said.

So far, after 3 years, that tactic has NEVER let me down....and I find that the good experience is motivation for the next time.

Basically... I treat him in this area the way I would want to be treated in areas that are highly important to me. It's having a servant's heart..

I hope this helps. I have a happy hubby. ...and I am a happy wife...

cj

 

[Opulence]

I noticed that when I was on the birth control patch I had pretty much no libido AT ALL. It was a very frustrating period of time in our marriage because my husband thought I was not attracted to him.. The patch really had me an emotional wreck. When I came off of it and got on Mirena IUD, within three months I could see a difference. in six months my libido was more active than his. now we've caught up to each other and it's great.

Eating well and getting plenty of exercise and rest also seems to help me.

 

[Mariaat40]

I guess I'm the most "seasoned" married lady in this thread and I've so appreciated the level of sharing that I've read here. I've been married 25 years (as long as many of your parents). I'm fortunate to have come from a long line of married folks: my parents were married 50 years until my Dad's death this year; both sets of grandparents were married until their deaths at a ripe old age. The ladies have already shared some great advice so I'll just reiterate based on my own experiences and what I've seen:

• Men are not mind readers. While we might think it should be obvious that the bathroom tub needs cleaning, they may not notice. My husband asks me to tell him what to do. That still drives me crazy (he can see what needs to be done himself) but I do it anyway and I don’t grumble. Also, share your love language. You may need to see certain things in order to feel loved but he’s expressing his love in a very different way. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It just means he has a different way of showing it. Share your desire with him, but don’t accuse him. And tell him how much you appreciate it when he makes an effort.

• As many have said, don’t sweat the small stuff. When you are married for years and years you experience all the highs and lows of life together (birth of a baby, buying your first home, death of a parent, a child’s illness, unemployment, etc.). Those are the big things. How he sorts the laundry is not a big thing. Whether or not he leaves the toilet seat up or down is not a big thing.

• Marriage is a team sport, not a one-on-one competition. Our human nature is inclined to always want to be right. Let your DH be right once in a while (even if he’s not. ) Work toward the greater good of your union.

• Praise your husband. Tell him and tell others. My husband is very accomplished so it always amazes me how important my affirmation is to him.

• Last but certainly not least, a Godly man is a true treasure. Having a husband who is willing to put God first in his life and in your life as a couple goes a long way.

Just scratching the surface here but I pray many blessings to all the marriages and future marriages.

 

[Opulence]

great post Maria!

 

[softblackcotton]

My parents have been married 27+ years now. Aunts and uncles 24-30 years. Grandparents 50 plus years. I come from a family in which Marriage is not taken Hollywood.I know I am no where near being a married lady, I'm still working on attaining a a first boyfriend and I'm almost 25 soon! I still thoroughly enjoyed reading this thread. It's also good relationship advice. For future (hopefully) wives of good, God fearing men. Although I extremely focused on school and career right now, I honestly am praying extremely hard that I do not end up a dried up old career woman with only her degrees and career accomplishments to keep me warm at night. Why can't I have it all career, a loving husband, and a family of my own?

 

[SistaSista]

Wow. This thread is full of great information. I've been married three years and could definitely use the advice. Thank you ladies for sharing such great knowledge.

 

[SweetDYMEond]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

Opulence...what you said was AWESOME!

 

[tada1]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

I have been married for over 5 years. Ok, so reading this thread tonight, I decided to give DH some couch "lovin" and OMG! He is changing the channel to whatever I want to watch, rubbing my feet, and following me into every room.

Keep speakin knowledge ladies!!!

ETA: I read the WHOLE thread. Thank you thank you thank you ALL for sharing your pearls of wisdom.

 

[wofford16]

Ladies,

This thread couldn't have come at a better time, my husband and I were married, divorced, and getting married again June 5, 2010 on our original wedding date. I just wish I could have read this thread 14 years ago when we first said "I Do"

The only thing that I can add which tore our marriage apart is to be each others rock and don't forget that we are human and we are going to make mistakes so allow them to make those mistakes and learn from them so that you never make the same mistake twice.

My husband made some bad decisions and became an addict and instead of turning to Allah and his wife for strength his shame and embarassment was so much that he decided to make me think he didn't love me anymore than to admit he was an addict.

This is a major obstacle to overcome and I tell him as often as I can that I am proud of him. We have been taking it one day at at time since the day we were reunited and there are somedays that I think am I doing the right thing and then there are times when I look at him and I can't imagine how I could live without him, don't understand how I LIVED without him. Allah brought us back together for a reason and I will never question his will (After our divorce we lost contact for 7 years).

Peace, Piece, and Food... Knowledge is a beautiful thing

 

[melodies815]

^ WOW!!! That is a powerful story. I am so glad that you have reconciled with one another, and I pray all of the blessings that can be bestowed on your marriage and reunion!!

Love,
Christi

 

[wofford16]

melodies815
Thank you so much for your caring words... One day at a time is all that I can ask.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

For those still dating...dont be so quick to play the wife role until you have been given the actual title. While he should always treat you respectful...you may wear youself out being the wife long before the title is given while he may be treating you as his girlfriend.
Take your time. Im not saying hold anything back but I am saying be careful and not to eager.

This is SOOOOO true

 

[Mrs. J]

Re: Marreid Ladies: What issues did you have in the early years of your marriage?

I'm not married anymore but, I was married for 3 years and the main issues we had were:

1. In-laws
2. Disagreement on when to have a baby coupled with fertility issues
3. Unresolved issues dating back to before we even got married
4. Not communicating well with each other

I will say I have learned so much about marriage and about myself. I have learned to definitely speak my mind (tactfully of course) on things that really bothered me and that some things really aren't worth arguing about when you look at the grand scheme of things.

Wow! I'll be married for 3 years in May and #s 2 & 3 are our biggest obstacles. We already have a child (10 y.o. because we were high school sweethearts) but it seems like #3 is exacerbating #2 and it gets REALLY rough at times, but I'm really trying to stay strong.

 

[Maracujá]

This is a great thread.

 

[Queen314]

BUMP!!! There is really some good stuff here!

 

[SailorWifey]

I just found this thread and wish I stumbled upon it as soon as I joined this site. We will be celebrationg our 1 yr anniversary next month and we have already had a rocky start, but I think it's mainly stress related. My hubby is in the Navy and we moved to our first duty station last July. He was deployed the same month and I found out we were expecting that month. I had a miscarriage in September and we were forced to grieve away from each other. I already have depression issues so I had a breakdown in December and they let him come home early. We're pretty rocky...we're both trying, but it's hard. We're very different people and sometimes annoy the crap out of each other. We're both determined to make it though.

 

[phynestone]

^^^^^^^^^^^So sorry about your loss.

 

[Opulence]

Sailor Wifey, sorry to hear of your miscarriage. Marriage in general can be a challenge, then you add being newly married, being apart, expecting a child, losing a child, that is a lot for a couple to go through. Just hang in there. You have gone through something that some people don't even experience in their lifetime. If you both can get through this together it will definitely make your marriage bond stronger. Make sure you are communicating with him and telling him how you feel. I am sure you are going through a range of emotions and he is too. Talk to each other. Show each other your vulnerable side. Communication is key if you want to make it through this trial successfully and also if you want a strong marriage. If you have a hard time communicating, write him a letter and read it to him out loud or just let him read it. That's what I had to do with my husband when we first got married. I didn't communicate well and I didn't know how to express myself without falling apart so I would write him letters and leave it on his pillow then eventually I would write him a letter then read it aloud to him, then I was finally able to just say what I was feeling. It's been a long process but it has really helped save our marriage.

So please talk to him, and also talk to your heavenly father constantly and find comfort and peace in his word.