Locked his butt out

[nelcoy]

I didn't know that he was only living there for 9 days. (I only know about tenet laws in PA) My reply would have been different.
I hope he's not one of those guys that see a woman that has their stuff together and rides on her coattails for the free ride. Gassing her head up for a roof over their head. I've seen a lot of women dealing with this issue.

 

[Renewed1]

So to address some of the questions.... This man was someone who I dated in the past. We broke up last May to be exact and had virtually no contact except for the occasional text from him "to see how I was doing".

I honestly don't mean no offense, I went through this myself.

I've been through this with my ex. You are his WINTER woman. You know the woman he has when it's the winter months and no body is outside.

Now that it's Summer, he (again) is acting up because it's hot outside. He wants to have the platter of women....UNTIL it gets cold outside again. Which means he's going to try to be right back with you again.

Rinse and repeat.

His relationships with those women are who he calls "friends" they just so happened to have provided extra benefits and according to him he never wanted go be exclusive with him and vice versa.

Yup his SUMMER women.

When we met a few years ago and I questioned why he seemed to only have female friends he basically explained it was all one stop shopping and they were filling in the gaps between him finding a woman he would want to be exclusive with. They all knew about each other and didn't seem to have any issues with the arrangement. I came along, he wanted exclusivity and I didn't want his friends around. He broke ties and we dated. Once he and I broke up he went back to his "friends" for maintenance.

First of all, I have an issue when men say they only have FEMALE friends. Really?! Naw, dude we as women are great....but we ain't that great. Especially if his female friends are his sex buddies.....naw

As for the bold, dude is LYING!!! What woman you know willing have sex with a guy, that is screwing a bunch of other women at the same time. AND IS OK WITH IT....REALLY!


GIRL, call IMMIGRATION and tell them you found an illegal. (Yeah, I know he's legal, but for kicks....) LOL!!!

 

[NOEChic]

Ehh.. I don't believe most of what he's saying, I doubt he had a clean break with these chicks. Sounds like the typical lines to get you to feel special about him choosing you above all the throngs of women pressed for his attention . Also there's no reason to have "strictly platonic" dealings with sex buddies. He's probably making all types of promises to multiple women - including you unfortunately.

rant: whyyyy do women keep strokin these men's egos- throwin pannies and beggin for a crumb of a relationship. ugggh. some of yall get mad when I say some women ruin it for the rest of us, but I stand by my opinion.

I have been on both sides of the coin, I have been the one to cut off contact with exes to be with my current, and then I have been cut off for dude to be with his current. As a friend I respect him trying to start a relationship and I will bow out while you do that. It happens.

 

[nappystorm]

Winter and Summer wimmenz, huh? *takes notes*

 

[Renewed1]

Winter and Summer wimmenz, huh? *takes notes*

Girl, you never heard of that?

So my ex-bf and I would LITERALLY be together from about September/October (cold months) all the way until April/May (warm months). So from about June to August, he was doing his thing and this went on for about two years. (Don't judge me I was stupid)

But I got even....

 

[nappystorm]

Girl, you never heard of that?

So my ex-bf and I would LITERALLY be together from about September/October (cold months) all the way until April/May (warm months). So from about June to August, he was doing his thing and this went on for about two years. (Don't judge me I was stupid)

But I got even....

I really hadn't

 

[ms.mimi]

Yep, that's been going on since I can remember. And some of these dudes have their winter chick on lockdown soooo hard she thinks it's for real and comes up pregnant by spring. You can tell it's spring cause da bellies rising! ....dang I'm BIG COUNTRY! (for real)

 

[nelcoy]

Yeah I hear all the time men and women get in a relationship during the winter and break up around May when it gets hot, then back together around October. It's funny when some people don't realize this pattern.

 

[ms.mimi]

And another childish pattern of breaking up in November or Early December

 

[NYAmicas]

Winter and Summer wimmenz, huh? *takes notes*

lol @ NappyStorm, my male friends tell me it's a struggle in the summer when women are out showing more skin to be faithful. That's ok cuz a trip to Spanish Harlem will do a woman right everytime.

 

[Geminigirl]

So I read through and I want an update and I want to hear what ms jerzey gone say!


Eta-omg spanish men, new york spanish men! *tingle* beautiful group of people male and female. I love how the men are so fresh head to toe and clean cut, fresh shape ups and beards. family oriented, just winning.That is why I said if I eva give up on my brothas, i'm a find me a papi lol.
Droid typing leads to typos for me

 

[DigitalRain]

I could not respect a male as a MAN who moves in but does not contribute to the household bills.

You are not his mama let him get his own crib. Ain't nothing free.

 

[ZeeontheGrow]

OP, I don't know the whole story, but going off of what you said, sounds like the Mr is feeling a kinda way and acting out. It's only been 9 days living together, now you're telling him who he can and cannot be friends with? Him walking out without saying a word to you may be his way of telling you he can do what he wants and he doesn't need the ok from you. I don't know how the conversation went... But if it was "I don't want you speaking to XYZ" vs. "I don't feel comfortable with you speaking to ex's bc of XYZ"... I can understand where he's coming from. NOT that I agree with him! There's a difference btwn friends and ex sex buds... and he should know to drop the latter if in a serious relationship, outta respect.

But anyway, only you know the whole situation. Do what you feel is right. (But perhaps rather than lock him out and make a scene, let him come home when his ready.. and have that talk in the morning)

ETA: ok, I'm mad late & didn't read all the posts b4 hand ::disregard::

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[pattyr5]

OP, I don't know the whole story, but going off of what you said, sounds like the Mr is feeling a kinda way and acting out. It's only been 9 days living together, now you're telling him who he can and cannot be friends with? Him walking out without saying a word to you may be his way of telling you he can do what he wants and he doesn't need the ok from you. I don't know how the conversation went... But if it was "I don't want you speaking to XYZ" vs. "I don't feel comfortable with you speaking to ex's bc of XYZ"... I can understand where he's coming from. NOT that I agree with him! There's a difference btwn friends and ex sex buds... and he should know to drop the latter if in a serious relationship, outta respect.

But anyway, only you know the whole situation. Do what you feel is right. (But perhaps rather than lock him out and make a scene, let him come home when his ready.. and have that talk in the morning)

ETA: ok, I'm mad late & didn't read all the posts b4 hand ::disregard::

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

I never told him that he could not or was not allowed to speak with so and so. I told him I was uncomfortable with the "friendship" and based on what he relayed to me about their interaction and how she was taking the news about us being together again, I thought that he should've been cutting that off. Considering that our fight had occured several hours before he walked out, I was left to think that what I expressed to him meant absolutely nothing.

And on another note, when he did come back to discover that I had chained up the door, there was no scene....No cops called, no shouting, no banging on the door....nothing like that. That is not his temperment. He simply called my cell and house phone a couple of times and then calmly walked off to his car to sleep.

 

[Britt]

I mean, I hate to say it, but moving in with your girlfriend is not screaming masculinity to me. You are moving in with HER dude, not the other way around.

LOL @ this thread.
I don't blame OP for putting the chain and lock on this fool.

My older friend told me this same exact thing on Friday. She said to never, ever let a man move in with you. It's not a good look. That means his pockets are weak and he will eventually mooch off of you. It puts you in a situation where he gets comfy and it starts to drain on you financially. She said if anything, let him move you into his place.

 

[janiebaby]

LOL @ this thread.
I don't blame OP for putting the chain and lock on this fool.

My older friend told me this same exact thing on Friday. She said to never, ever let a man move in with you. It's not a good look. That means his pockets are weak and he will eventually mooch off of you. It puts you in a situation where he gets comfy and it starts to drain on you financially. She said if anything, let him move you into his place.

I wouldn't want either situation to happen. I would feel really uncomfortable in another person's house like I would have to walk on egg shells or something. Even if I had an escape plan I still wouldn't want to go through all that. I'd rather we both have our own stuff and it "seemed" like we lived together because one or the other person was always over rather than take that leap.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

When I moved in with DH, I got a new cell phone number and didn't share it with old "friends." It's just what you should do. Once I decided that he was the one and we were planning to get married, I knew that all ex's needed to be cut off. You can't bring your past into your future.

DH didn't request it. I did it on my own.

 

[tinkat]

When I moved in with DH, I got a new cell phone number and didn't share it with old "friends." It's just what you should do. Once I decided that he was the one and we were planning to get married, I knew that all ex's needed to be cut off. You can't bring your past into your future.

DH didn't request it. I did it on my own.

That is what is impt imo. When a person is ready they will do it without you asking. And if the relationship is secure, you won't even be thinking about their past bc you know it is all good btwn the two of you.

 

[libertysince05]

pattyr5 unfortunately this is the result of getting involved with men that treat the women in their lives as a convinience (in this case the harem), the signs were there but you chose to ignore it and now he is trying to make turn you into a convinience too...
This is why i always say, an ex is an ex for a reason....

 

[ThickHair]

So to address some of the questions.... This man was someone who I dated in the past. We broke up last May to be exact and had virtually no contact except for the occasional text from him "to see how I was doing". His relationships with those women are who he calls "friends" they just so happened to have provided extra benefits and according to him he never wanted go be exclusive with him and vice versa. When we met a few years ago and I questioned why he seemed to only have female friends he basically explained it was all one stop shopping and they were filling in the gaps between him finding a woman he would want to be exclusive with. They all knew about each other and didn't seem to have any issues with the arrangement. I came along, he wanted exclusivity and I didn't want his friends around. He broke ties and we dated. Once he and I broke up he went back to his "friends" for maintenance.

When we began talking about getting back I asked him about his status and he revealed that mist of those chicks dropped off because they didn't like the fact that he chose me. Apparently they all wanted to be exclusive but put up with the nonsense figuring he would eventually chose one of them. There are a few who he communicates with now that are strictly platonic. However the one hanger on who he last messed with asked him to be her man and he told her that he was not ready or looking for a serious relationship. He turned around and got back with me, this pissed her off and she's been begging him and carrying on, which brings us to the problem we have now.

Unfortunately you are one of the chicks in rotation, no matter how much you beleive that you aren't.

 

[Crystal]

OP... are you just venting or are you looking for opinions or advice?

 

[ebonylocs]

Update: He came back after 45 minutes from taking out the trash....attempted to open the door and found the chain on. He proceeded to call and I proceeded to ignore. His night was spent in the car....

To reiterate or if perhaps I wasn't clear on a few things....this is my place, everything in my name and all bills paid by me. He is walking into my world and it is my belief that he should be willing to live by the rules of this house and the rules of the relationship. We are only just getting back together and these women who I refer to as his harem are chicks he keeps around for sex. Point blank he has no other use for them so what's the reason for them to be part of his life if he ain't supposed to be sleeping with them? And there is one in particular who is carrying on so much and crying how sad she is and how she misses him and how her world is ending. I don't think it is unreasonable at all to say this contact has got to stop if he wants to be with me and be in MY home.

Well, all I can say is that this guy doesn't sound ready and worthy to be in a relationship with you, and you don't sound like you're ready to be in a true *partnership* with him - it's almost like you see yourself as his parent, custodian or drill sergeant- like it's your job to keep him in line. When you find yourself having to adopt this attitude towards a guy, having to lay down rules and monitor him, and have him rebelling and acting up, that should tell you he isn't a man you need to be in a relationship with. I.e. he is not a man with his own internal sense of appropriate behaviour, and/or he is not committed enough to you to do the right thing without your cracking the whip at his tail. This is my humble opinion, but of course you know your man and your relationship best.

 

[pattyr5]

OP... are you just venting or are you looking for opinions or advice?

This was a vent....but I've been on LHCF long enough to know that ladies will chime in with advise, I don't have a problem with that. We are all adults where and it is with that understanding that I say, in every area of my life I will do what I feel is best for me. I do have real world friends as well as family and such to advise me and have my back. And as far as I can see there are some well meaning caring people here, but these boards are also about entertainment and some drama, so I let y'all peek in on that action.

 

[Syrah]

This is why I don't cohabitate...

 

[pattyr5]

Well, all I can say is that this guy doesn't sound ready and worthy to be in a relationship with you, and you don't sound like you're ready to be in a true *partnership* with him - it's almost like you see yourself as his parent, custodian or drill sergeant- like it's your job to keep him in line. When you find yourself having to adopt this attitude towards a guy, having to lay down rules and monitor him, and have him rebelling and acting up, that should tell you he isn't a man you need to be in a relationship with. I.e. he is not a man with his own internal sense of appropriate behaviour, and/or he is not committed enough to you to do the right thing without your cracking the whip at his tail. This is my humble opinion, but of course you know your man and your relationship best.

I will have to respectfully disagree with you on this point as I am a person who is simply making it known what I will and will not put up with. Everybody has *rules* per se and we let people know what they are. There are the women who won't date an older/younger guy, those that won't live with a man until marriage, those that sleep with a guy on the first date and those that won't until the honeymoon...and it goes on an on.

From my point of view there were certain things that should be understood when people chose to cohabitate and he shouldn't have to be told about them. But if he is gonna sit there and act like he doesn't have any sense, I'm going to let him know. That door swings open and shut and he is/was free to leave if he disagreed with any of the principles I live by. He has a choice too....he is free to do whatever he wants however he wants but that does not mean that I have to suck it up and take it ...

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ OP I hear you but honestly I do wonder why you want him. What are you getting out of the relationship? And if you want to get married do you see this relationship leading to that?

Not trying to bring on drama at all, but this man is covered with red flags so I'm wondering what is drawing you into being in relationship with him.

 

[hopeful]

No one thinks you should have to suck it up and take it , there are just some things you shouldn't have to say to your man. Like if I have to tell you don't hit me you are not the man for me. If I have to tell you don't flirt with and grope other women, then you are not the man for me. But like you said some things you have to lay out and explain. But if it has to be repeated and/or shoved down their throats the woman has to be honest with herself and refuse to be any grown man's mother. Some men are just trifling and no amount of talking or rules will make them act right.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

*lights up a newport one hunnit -- pours me a tall glass of Raspberry Ciroc*

ok..i'm workin wif a full staff now....got my drink n my stoggie lit up.

pattyr5 - lemme do a recap so i understand. you and ur boyfriend broke up n got back t'getha. but before he met u, he had other "friends" but he only kept dem in da stable cuz they provided benefits but he didn't want to be exclusive with none of them. let him tell it, they all knew about each otha. wow.

*takes a swig n a puff*

so when u question him about his "harem" he told u it was one stop shoppin and that they were only fillin da gaps until he found "the one". so now this time yall done did it up like Peaches n Herb and reunited cuz it feels so good.
so on this trip when u ask him again wassup, he tells u da otha broads done dropped off da wagon cuz he got witchu, all except for this one chick. let u tellit, he told u that da otha girl mad cuz he got witchu and now she beggin him n carryin on wantin him back.

so da otha night, u bring this up, yall get into an argument, he leaves out da house at around midnight, u lock him out and he went to go sleep in his car.

dis sum boolshyt and he playin u chile. ur da one iight but only for right now. dayum..his penis must be dipped in gold n studded in diamonds cuz he gotchu believin that ur da one and then he tellin u bout some chick dats cryin ova him. yeah....ok.

u sayin u pay all da bills and it's ur crib, but yet ur not gonna allow anybody to run ova you. press release -- he already ran ova you, just like he ran thru dem otha women. u knew that before u let him move in.

please understand that when u allowed him move in witchu, u have allowed him and and his "harem" to move right on in with u. think about it.

see, right now, ur his "meanwhile back at da ranch" chick. those otha chicks fell off, not bcuz he got back witchu...but because they caught on to his game -- but this time, he gotchu thinkin it's all about u, so tag ur it.

there are so many WRONGS and No-No's goin on in dis situation that it's ridiculous. so u think cuz u put him out for a few hours, that he's gonna straighten up and act right. if u think dat, ur delusional. if u had it goin on like dat wif him and if he was about u, then you wouldn't be complainin about what he does with otha women.

da otha chick is put on notice and hangin on in da balance waitin, cuz see, u don't know what he's tellin her about u.

let it go cuz da relationship is not going to last. u can't control a man and expect him to respect u like dat. seriously.

so uh....what time did u let him back in dis mawnin?

 

[MsBoinglicious]

OP you said you got an anonymous message on FB that he is suppose to hang out with some girl on her B-day. Did you say anything to him about that?

 

[pattyr5]

*lights up a newport one hunnit -- pours me a tall glass of Raspberry Ciroc*

ok..i'm workin wif a full staff now....got my drink n my stoggie lit up.

@pattyr5 - lemme do a recap so i understand. you and ur boyfriend broke up n got back t'getha. but before he met u, he had other "friends" but he only kept dem in da stable cuz they provided benefits but he didn't want to be exclusive with none of them. let him tell it, they all knew about each otha. wow.

*takes a swig n a puff*

so when u question him about his "harem" he told u it was one stop shoppin and that they were only fillin da gaps until he found "the one". so now this time yall done did it up like Peaches n Herb and reunited cuz it feels so good.
so on this trip when u ask him again wassup, he tells u da otha broads done dropped off da wagon cuz he got witchu, all except for this one chick. let u tellit, he told u that da otha girl mad cuz he got witchu and now she beggin him n carryin on wantin him back.

so da otha night, u bring this up, yall get into an argument, he leaves out da house at around midnight, u lock him out and he went to go sleep in his car.

dis sum boolshyt and he playin u chile. ur da one iight but only for right now. dayum..his penis must be dipped in gold n studded in diamonds cuz he gotchu believin that ur da one and then he tellin u bout some chick dats cryin ova him. yeah....ok.

u sayin u pay all da bills and it's ur crib, but yet ur not gonna allow anybody to run ova you. press release -- he already ran ova you, just like he ran thru dem otha women. u knew that before u let him move in.

please understand that when u allowed him move in witchu, u have allowed him and and his "harem" to move right on in with u. think about it.

see, right now, ur his "meanwhile back at da ranch" chick. those otha chicks fell off, not bcuz he got back witchu...but because they caught on to his game -- but this time, he gotchu thinkin it's all about u, so tag ur it.

there are so many WRONGS and No-No's goin on in dis situation that it's ridiculous. so u think cuz u put him out for a few hours, that he's gonna straighten up and act right. if u think dat, ur delusional. if u had it goin on like dat wif him and if he was about u, then you wouldn't be complainin about what he does with otha women.

da otha chick is put on notice and hangin on in da balance waitin, cuz see, u don't know what he's tellin her about u.

let it go cuz da relationship is not going to last. u can't control a man and expect him to respect u like dat. seriously.

so uh....what time did u let him back in dis mawnin?

This sich came about because I got an email from somebody on Facebook talking about how they supposed to hang and how he saw *her* the other day, etc. I brought this to his attention and he said he knew who sent it and was gonna handle it...he handled it by unfriending this chick on FB. But this message opened a can of worms...to try and prove he was telling me the truth he whipped out his cell phone to show me the texts. I said I didn't need to see it but he insisted. So....I see the chick talking about "I can't believe you back with her...do you have any idea how this makes me feel....I miss you....I can't sleep...etc. I was like damn, all this drama over a *friend*. As he tells it she wanted to be with him and was not able to control her emotions. She was posting on his FB page sad faces, "I can't Sleep"..."Just Thinking About My Friend" and other stuff like that.

The real argument started off because he said she later wrote to him saying she never sent me the message and that he believed her.... I said well somebody did and he proceeded to do something that sounded too much like he was defending *her* As far as I am concerned, I was going about my own business and *somebody* sent this ish to me... I didn't wake up that morning and decide, "oh, I'm not gonna let him have any friends. Why on earth would I do that...because I'll be damned if I let him tell me that I couldn't have friends. But again, I never remained in contact with exes and I don't have buddies that I "color" with.

He had already been notified that this was not gonna work for me and that he needed to leave, but he told me he was not going to do that. So when he left after midnight and not said a word, I locked him out. This was not about control, respect, insecurity, whatever....this was simply about the *get ta steppin* Because I saw no good reason for him to be arguing with me about something that was coming from his corner of the universe. I didn't seek this chick out...she came to me. He made it apparent that all that nonsence was important to him...so he had to go. Period