Married Ladies..Husbands and Secrets...Please Read and Respond

[nathansgirl1908]

Be careful that you don't make him clam up by complaining about this. I read your statement a few times and didn't see anything that really should raise an alarm. I expected to find something inappropriate towards another woman. It's probably not something he felt like discussing. I can certainly understand that. Sometimes you just don't even feel like using your energy to tell someone about a situation you're involved in.

 

[MrsMe]

I have a similar issue with FH except that he will talk about anything with his (female) cousin, which is annoying because I not only feel like he doesn't trust me, but also doesn't see me as a confident despite our relationship.

Sent from my PG86100

 

[Guitarhero]

The other night while laying in bed I asked DH does he have secrets from me? He said no. However I know this is not true because of his Facebook. He usually does not leave it open, but he did one day and I looked in the messages. He has had conversations with his ex-wife's sister because apparently the exwife is in some sort of trouble and this former sister in-law is asking for his help. This was dated within the last week and he did not tell me about it. There were also communications between him and his son's exwife, I knew that had some words over her latest treatment his son and her not letting any family see the kids. However apparently she sent him a private Facebook message with some choice words for him and he did not tell me about this.

There are other things I did not found about through FB, but it's like why does he not confide in me? We have been together over 7 years, he does not confide in me. I thought he did until I started to uncover that he is not. I tell him pretty much everything. Even if it does not concern him, but I have to be involved in the situation, I let him know. Sometimes we would be around his family and they would start to discuss a family matter, the family would direct questions to me for advise because they assume I am aware of what's going on, but I usually have no idea what they are talking about, because he has not told me. He is on a business trip and I am about ready to sit him down when he get home this evening, but he is the type to get defensive really quick and next thing you know, I am no longer being heard.

Why does he not confide in me?

I sincerely hope you didn't. He's not cheating on you nor disrespecting you. Give him his space as a man and alllow him to help his family he knew before you. He obviously cares to be a man of principle. Allow him to do that. It's not that he's not confiding in you - he's got something to do to help his sis-in-law and it's not your business but his. He doesn't want to burden you with it. Let him be a big boy and maintain his own separate personality. You two are one, but you are one from two separate sources. Give him his space and dignity. If you lay into him for this, it will drive him away emotionally and hurt him.

 

[MissYocairis]

Great thread OP! I love when threads in the relationship forum have happy endings! :luv2:

 

[Bnster]

I know married couples that have the same email accounts, why shouldn't they both have access to each other accounts? Better yet, maybe too late in this case, have one FB, one email, so everything is in the open. That is complete trust and openness.

As to the question why he doesn't confide in you, he can only answer this. You already took the first step asking, though he said he will do better, he didn't answer your question, but addressed a little to your concerns. I think he will come around and include you in these matters.

Knowledge is power.

 

[Evolving78]

do you give advice when not asked? do you throw your opinion into the conversation, or do you really listen? maybe your husband feels he can handle things on his own. he may feel that the situation doesn't concern you and he may not want to get you involved. oh and don't mention anything about reading his fb page! you are asking for trouble.

 

[Anakinsmomma]

(Generally) Men only talk about a problem when they can't figure it out themselves, and even then it's like pulling teeth. It sounds innocent enough, I wouldn't worry too much about it. And if you bring up FB, he's going to feel like you're intruding and shut you out even more.

I know you expect your husband to share with you like you do with him, but it's not how men are built. If it is really important to you that he share EVERYTHING, you will probably have to have multiple conversations before that happens. I know it's cliche, but the book "Men are from mars..." really helped me understand this.

 

[Anakinsmomma]

Leigh thank you for the response. He is 9 years my senior and 21 year military (now retired) but oh so set in his ways. Used to being in charge of everything and everyone. I can honestly say he has gotten better with his communication as the years have past. His children who are young adults tells me all the time that "dad is much nicer now he would have never done that before".

I like to think we are better because of each other. I love him more than anything and one of the things he said today, is that me coming to him about this made him realize that he has been slipping and needs to do a better job in his actions to let me know that I am not only part of his world but I am his world. Sometimes I think God uses some things to bring attention to others.

We just finished a relocation from Saint Louis to Atlanta (been in Atlanta 3 weeks) and things have been quite stressful. So, that is possible the cause of some of my emotional stress. That is why I cannot wait for my stress reliever to get in this evening.

I'm so glad things worked out OP!

 

[MixedBerry]

Why are people still responding as if the OP didnt give a follow up (and a good one at that!)?? IT ALL WORKED OUT!!!

Im glad for you OP!!

 

[Anakinsmomma]

Cu I responded before reading the entire thread

 

[MixedBerry]

Cu I responded before reading the entire thread

Hehehehe

Sent from my LG-VM701 using LG-VM701

 

[Evolving78]

^^^ girl, i didn't feel like reading all of that! she could have just updated/edited the OP. i'm glad it worked out, but i am still standing by what i said.

 

[southerncitygirl]

glad everything worked out MrsSmitty77. though i'm not married my mother has been married for 36 yrs and has given me great advice for when i do. just because men don't confide in us doesn't mean they are being sneaky or dishonest nor does it mean that they don't trust you. men tend to be linear and logical thinkers because by nature they are meant to provide for us. my mother also told me that men don't need to know everything cause they are not going to tell you everything. just because we choose to do things doesn't mean we should always expect people to do the exact same even if it is our husbands. it sounds like he loves you and you have had a positive effect on him in the sense that he wants to change....don't push it or him. men shut down when we back them into corners. he will continue to improve over time just be patient. enjoy each other and have fun!

 

[MrsSmitty77]

Hello Again~

Thank you all for the responses. One thing that I know is what one will tolerate another one will not. As I do not spend a whole lot of time on the board, it did not cross my mind to update the original post. I was posting my issue to gain perspective as to how to approach this situation with my husband because it was going to get discussed. In the past few weeks everything has been fantastic, like I said before...sometimes you just have to bring stuff to your spouses attention. My sister sent me an email the other day saying she has been laying awake at night because she has something bothering her that she does not know how to bring to her spouse. (why should she have to do that?) Sometimes conformity is not our friend. Thank you again for all of the responses and despite the place I feel like some of the responses were coming from all were appreciated.

Thanks~