Things I've Learned in Relationships
The biggest thing I've learned is that nothing is guaranteed to last forever. This can be a scary and pessimistic idea, but when you think about it, there are many more reasons why a relationship could go bad than good. Your chances of staying together are definitely heightened after marriage, but many marriages these days go under too. I think the best thing you can take from this is that you need to put your emotional energies more towards the good memories & lessons you share with your partner and less towards the negative ones. If it isn't going to last, then at least make the best of your situation and create a relationship you can leave feeling proud of yourself. I think the mindset also prevents a lot of regrets from happening, like falling into pressures to do things you dont want to do in a relationship. If it's not going to last, you're less likely to sacrifice your dignity over it. This idea can also save you (but not make you immune from) a lot of heartache.
You cannot change or control other people, only yourself! This goes for any type of relationship (friends, family, etc.) You can cry, beg, plead, you can approach with determination, rage, optimism...but changing someone is impossible if the individual does not do it for themselves. Even if they do make the effort to change for you, the change will be short lived because they are not doing it for themselves.
Its important that if you choose to be with someone, you need to accept them for all of their entirety, even their annoying tendencies or quirks. As long as their quirks do not conflict with your values and personal safety, you should accept them--and yourself--as complex, flawed, but essentially unique human beings.
In a relationship, you need to learn to DO YOU. A lot of relationships die early because the two love birds spend way too much time together. There's only so much you can talk and laugh about before you run out of topics, so if you spend some time apart, you learn more about each other over time and not all at once. Also, spending time apart is important because you need to focus on making yourself a better person by relishing in your own hobbies, spending time with friends and family, learning new skills, etc. These are things that make you an even more attractive person.
Don't be discouraged when you're *not* in a relationship. Know that there are billions of people in the world and there's no way that not one of them could not like you. Don't let any negativity that past partners or others have said about you traumatize you into doubting or hating yourself. Use your time as a single person to indulge in yourself (see DO YOU) and also expand your horizons to meet new and interesting people (aka potential boos!)
I know many people may not agree with this one so I will just speak for myself: as a woman, it's okay to be feminine if you so desire! I know as black women/women of color we aren't typically represented or expected to be feminine as much as we are presented as hypersexualized. However, I think one of the things I love about my current relationship is that I feel very feminine and cherished without feeling like I've lost my independence or sense of self. In fact, I've actually taken it upon myself to explore and learn more about my own femininity just because this is the first relationship where I really feel proud to be the woman in the picture. I'm not promoting that all women put on a skirt and become part of a girly monolith, but if it's something you're considering, don't be afraid to do things that make you feel more like "a lady" (have your partner pay on dates, be chased and not have the one chasing, wear makeup/get your hair done, etc.) Some people will argue that you are falling into traditional gender roles, but at the end of the day, it's your choice.
Be upfront about what you want in a relationship right away. If you're looking for something long term, don't act like you're just "here for fun." If you think it's time to meet the parents, let your partner know! As long as they are reasonable, don't be afraid to share your wants/needs with your partner. I think as a younger woman, I was afraid to tell some of my first boyfriends that I wanted more than to just fool around. I felt disgusted by my relationship and with myself for never really staying true to my standards and expectations. There are some things you can compromise on, but your standards are not one of them. On the flip side, it's really unfair to your partner to expect them to just know what you want without ever communicating your needs. Communication is everything, and if you've done all the talking you can do and your partner still doesn't comply, considering ending the relationship because someone so selfish is probably not for you.
