If a guy doesn't approach you or ask you out, there's a good reason!

[preciouzone]

Yeah, the same thing happened to me too. I used to always respond to my guy friend's text messages any time he would text me, but lately I've been kind of sparce with the text messages back to him. I figure...."what's the point??", and also...my text messages are racking up for the month, and I don't have the money to be spending on text overages per month! I need a new plan with unlimited text messaging!

Anyway, so after a few times of doing that, I guess he started getting kind of "concerned". One day a few weeks ago, he texted me because we were planning on going somewhere to hang out, but the plans were sketchy, so I just went on about my business forgetting about the plans. Well, do you know that when he texted me and I didn't respond that day (I honestly was busy doing something else), he dropped by my house unexpectedly saying he was "just in the area". We live like 5 min. away from each other but still! lol* Men I tell you.

Sherry Argov is right. Men don't respond to words....they respond to ACTION. And NO contact!

Preciouzone, if I were you...I wouldn't take anymore of his phone calls. Well...okay, maybe that's a bit rude. If I were you, I'd only take his calls SOME of the time. The rest of the time, you're busy. He'll soon start to learn that he has to "step up his game" if he's really interested in you. You have to be unpredictable! Men like that. I've learned that men don't like what comes TOO easy to them. It's more intriguing to them if you're out living your life, having fun, and going on about your business without them.

Another thing struck me...he said that he was afraid some other guy came and swept you away from him. You know what this tells me?? This tells me that he knows that you like him, and he knows that he's just keeping you on the backburner for right now. Because if he didn't, he wouldn't have said that. Trust me, I just recently came to the conclusion w/my guy friend too that I'm on the "backburner"....just in case things dont' work out with him and this other girl. I'm wondering though, if we're not subconciously making ourselves look worse and worse, and more like a doormat by pretending not to notice what they're doing.

This is what I struggle with. Should I just call him out on his behavior? Or just pretend like I don't care nor notice it? Maybe just let things flow naturally?? I don't think I should "call him out" per se (guys will probably always deny it anyway, or call you "psycho" or "delusional"), but I think my not being as "available" to him like I've been in the past will sort of give him the hint. Like Sherry Argov says, men don't respond to words. They respond to NO CONTACT! Your actions speak louder than your words IMO.

Maybe I have the wrong view of this, but I figure that as long as my guy friend isn't disrespecting me verbally, I really don't need to "explain" anything to him. I'll let my actions speak for themselves when I'm suddenly "busy" sometimes when he wants to do something, or invite me over or whatnot.

Yes Crystalicequeen123 is definitely preaching up in hurr.. lol.

You know what, when I tell you I was sprung over dude... I was spruuuuuuunnnngggg. I think back to about 6 months ago and I really feel dumb right about now. But i'm cool with it, I feel that my own personal experiences in life teaches me more than reading them in books or hearing others stories. My eyes will surely be opened the next time some guy decides he wants to take me along for a ride.

Another thing struck me...he said that he was afraid some other guy came and swept you away from him. You know what this tells me?? This tells me that he knows that you like him, and he knows that he's just keeping you on the backburner for right now. Because if he didn't, he wouldn't have said that.

Don't laugh, but about 2 months after we met last year... he asked me one night, "If I was to ask you to be my girl right now, what would you say?". So me and my dumb self, thinking this was it answered "yes". And all he said was "ok". I regretted my answer the next morning. So yea I thought that he just wasn't ready to ask me... but he is going to ask me ... any day now for sure. It's been over 12 months now -- NADA.

I'm no longer answering his calls like I used to ( I still answer SOME calls ) and have also stopped calling him. I realized like Poetist mentioned, that "Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations about our involvement with a guy and therein lies the problem." I know I made up in my mind what "our" life would be like together and everything. We have so much in common and we get along so great. But hey, it takes two to tango. It's kinda lonely on this one way street that I paved.

Honestly, I feel much, much relaxed now. I had to actually pray to God and ask him to help me and give me strength with this situation. I asked Him to help me to release any of these thoughts and feelings that I was having towards this man and if he is "the one" then let it be, if not -- I know that God has a man out there for me who will be willing to reciprocate the love that I have for him. And is also secure enough as a man to not have to string a woman along as a "just in case" deal. Whew, man that sucks.

I also decided not to verbalize my feelings, he already thinks that I'm too sensitive and that's exactly what he would have said. I'm just learning to take my place and be the pursued and not the pursuer.

Preciouzone

P.S - I'm gonna check out that WMLB book, sounds ummm... interesting

 

[preciouzone]

Preciouzone, Listen to her! She's on point about what she's telling you. I too think i was on the backburner with this dude. oh well, if it happens it happens but i sure aint gonna sit around waiting for him to make up his mind.

Remember, If you feel like he's stringing you along he probably is.

BTW, WMLB opened my eyes about relationships. Never again will i be a "nice" girl.

Thanks caribeandiva, it sure does feel like I'm being strung along. That will be a no-no from now on.

 

[winterinatl]

So yeah...don't pursue men. Some things in life will probably never change in nature. Your guy friends may even tell you that they actually like for women to pursue them and all that nonsense. DON'T BELIEVE IT!HER. They may say that, but just watch....when it comes down to that really *special* woman that they like, and REALLY want to settle down with...they are MORE than happy to pursue

If this ain't the truth then I don't know what is. I get so frustrated hearing men and women alike saying this....that they repect women who pursue them....yeah, sure. You like it; of course! She just made it easy for you and your ego. I want a dude that risks a hit to his ego by saying "hello" to me in the grocery store.

To the rest of what everyone else has said; I concur. Every time I've broken this guideline I have suffered for it. Just recently I had a huge crush/flirt fest with my pharmacist. People had all sorts of suggestions for ascertaining his interest...turns out he was married! Just never wore the ring before...or was very recently married . Imagine my embarrassment if I had acted....

 

[locabouthair]

Yes Crystalicequeen123 is definitely preaching up in hurr.. lol.

You know what, when I tell you I was sprung over dude... I was spruuuuuuunnnngggg. I think back to about 6 months ago and I really feel dumb right about now. But i'm cool with it, I feel that my own personal experiences in life teaches me more than reading them in books or hearing others stories. My eyes will surely be opened the next time some guy decides he wants to take me along for a ride.




Don't laugh, but about 2 months after we met last year... he asked me one night, "If I was to ask you to be my girl right now, what would you say?". So me and my dumb self, thinking this was it answered "yes". And all he said was "ok". I regretted my answer the next morning. So yea I thought that he just wasn't ready to ask me... but he is going to ask me ... any day now for sure. It's been over 12 months now -- NADA.

I'm no longer answering his calls like I used to ( I still answer SOME calls ) and have also stopped calling him. I realized like Poetist mentioned, that "Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations about our involvement with a guy and therein lies the problem." I know I made up in my mind what "our" life would be like together and everything. We have so much in common and we get along so great. But hey, it takes two to tango. It's kinda lonely on this one way street that I paved.

Honestly, I feel much, much relaxed now. I had to actually pray to God and ask him to help me and give me strength with this situation. I asked Him to help me to release any of these thoughts and feelings that I was having towards this man and if he is "the one" then let it be, if not -- I know that God has a man out there for me who will be willing to reciprocate the love that I have for him. And is also secure enough as a man to not have to string a woman along as a "just in case" deal. Whew, man that sucks.

I also decided not to verbalize my feelings, he already thinks that I'm too sensitive and that's exactly what he would have said. I'm just learning to take my place and be the pursued and not the pursuer.

Preciouzone

P.S - I'm gonna check out that WMLB book, sounds ummm... interesting

Just wanted to tell you, you are NOT alone. I am/was going through that. But keeping contact will only make things harder for you to move on.

I hope one day I can meet someone who won't string me along and will want me as much as I want him.

I must say, that a guy will do what you allow. I'll admit, I should have moved on sooner but now that I know better, I'll do better. If it's been months and things aren't going anywhere, I'm cutting you off.

Thank God, I didn't sleep with him

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I think as women, we often want to verbalize what we feel - we do it on the board and to our girlfriends, but when it comes to situations like these with a guy we may be crushing on, I think its best to show some verbal constraint and let our actions speak for themselves. First of all, verbalizing your concerns, basically makes you an open book. Second, in most cases, as far as the guy is concerned, "nothing is wrong." Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations about our involvement with a guy and therein lies the problem.

So so so true!!! Yeah, before I read WMLB I used to erroneously think that when it came to men, you had to "lay down the law" verbally each and every time, and let the guy know (verbally) every single time you feel disrespected or feel a certain way. HA!! No indeed!! Unless he has done something to REALLY disrespect you or offend you, I would just leave things be and let your actions speak for themselves. He'll get the point in time. Guys may be dense sometimes, but they aren't stupid.

I think that with guys the less you tell them, the better anyway. With your girlfriends, sisters, mothers, grandmothers, and other women, you can go on a long tangent and discuss and ruminate over what went wrong, why you were offended, how something made you feel, how you have been through something like that in the past, and how you would like to have the person change without blinking an eye lash. As women we're just wired like that. You can vent and complain to your GIRLfriends. But when it comes to guys...it's a completely different ball game. I've had to learn that the hard way because I didn't have any brothers growing up, and my mom and dad were divorced when I was young.

BTW, WMLB opened my eyes about relationships. Never again will i be a "nice" girl.

Ha! Who are you telling girl!! WMLB "cured" me of any "nice girl" syndromes!!!

Yes Crystalicequeen123 is definitely preaching up in hurr.. lol.

Hehehe...thanks ladies! I'm just trying to help spread the wealth of knowledge I've gained so that other ladies dont' go through the same thing I went through. I have so much knowledge acquired from relationship books, horror stories from girlfriends, and my OWN past experience, that I could probably write a book myself! Hahaha...just kidding! Sort of....

Don't laugh, but about 2 months after we met last year... he asked me one night, "If I was to ask you to be my girl right now, what would you say?". So me and my dumb self, thinking this was it answered "yes". And all he said was "ok". I regretted my answer the next morning. So yea I thought that he just wasn't ready to ask me... but he is going to ask me ... any day now for sure. It's been over 12 months now -- NADA.

See...stuff like this just burns me up! Why do guys play games like this!?? Ugh! I know one thing, I've now learned that it is NEVER a good idea for a woman to be the first one to "Confess" her feelings to a man. Even if a guy straight up asks you: "do you like me??" "if I asked you to be my girlfriend...what would you say?" DON'T confess anything to him if he hasn't confessed his feelings for you/made strides to really date you and make you his gf!

Now days, if a guy were to ask me how I felt about him, or whether or not I wanted to be his girlfriend, I'd just play coy and say some things like:

-"I really don't know how I feel. I have to really get to know a guy in a romantic way first before I could ever see him in a romantic light."

-"Hmmm....I would have to know you a little better before I could make a decision like that. Honestly, I don't know you that well. But maybe if I got to know you more, perhaps I could one day see you as potential boyfriend material."

-"I think you're a nice person, and you're cool to hang out with, but I need time to get to know someone more I suppose."

All these comments above let him know that you're not opposed to him, and you like him as a person, but that if HE wants more, he's going to have to STEP up his game, because a valuable woman like you doesn't just fall for any ol' dude. I'm telling you, it will start the wheels in his head turning!! :scratchch "She doesn't want me?? How come she's not falling all over me??" If he's truly interested, he'll have to do more to show his interest! Beware though of guys that only like "the chase". They thrive off of trying to obtain women that never give them the time of day. Then, once they know that they have the woman "sprung", they drop her like a bad habit.

I realized like Poetist mentioned, that "Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations about our involvement with a guy and therein lies the problem." I know I made up in my mind what "our" life would be like together and everything. We have so much in common and we get along so great. But hey, it takes two to tango. It's kinda lonely on this one way street that I paved.

Yep. I made the same mistake too. I almost felt like I was in a relationship with him, when I really wasn't!! That's why I say that unless a guy has really told you his feelings and intentions, don't "assume" that you two are in a relationship. Just go about your business like you're single (because you ARE if he hasn't stated exclusivity or otherwise!), and if he really wants you, he won't want you to keep your "single status" for fear of other guys snatching you up.

I also decided not to verbalize my feelings, he already thinks that I'm too sensitive and that's exactly what he would have said. I'm just learning to take my place and be the pursued and not the pursuer.

Yep...NOOOOO verbalizing of feelings. Verbalizing of feelings should come when you and a man are in an exclusive, committed relationship. If you two aren't, and he's not doing jack, then you don't owe this guy a single solitary thing! No complaints, no explanations, nothing!

P.S - I'm gonna check out that WMLB book, sounds ummm... interesting

Yes, please do! It really will change your frame of mind completely!

If this ain't the truth then I don't know what is. I get so frustrated hearing men and women alike saying this....that they repect women who pursue them....yeah, sure. You like it; of course! She just made it easy for you and your ego. I want a dude that risks a hit to his ego by saying "hello" to me in the grocery store.

THANK YOU! This is soo true!

 

[dstdiva]

i say it all the time...men don't appreciate what they don't work for....learned this one the hard way...

 

[caribeandiva]

If this ain't the truth then I don't know what is. I get so frustrated hearing men and women alike saying this....that they repect women who pursue them....yeah, sure. You like it; of course! She just made it easy for you and your ego. I want a dude that risks a hit to his ego by saying "hello" to me in the grocery store.

To the rest of what everyone else has said; I concur. Every time I've broken this guideline I have suffered for it. Just recently I had a huge crush/flirt fest with my pharmacist. People had all sorts of suggestions for ascertaining his interest...turns out he was married! Just never wore the ring before...or was very recently married . Imagine my embarrassment if I had acted....

whew! that was a close one. you'd have never been able to live this one down.

 

[aja1121]

Yeah I never approach guys. If I'm interested I give him the "eye" (no more than 5 seconds) once and usually that's enough clearance; if they don't approach then oh well.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Just to foster more discussion/play devil's advocate, what constitutes "approaching a man" in your opinion? o you consider initiating a convo "approaching?" Do you just sit back an give the eye, let him see you, and move on if he doesn't come over? What do YOU consider the most that you would do before crossing that line to approaching?

 

[MsFabulosity]

Yeah I never approach guys. If I'm interested I give him the "eye" (no more than 5 seconds) once and usually that's enough clearance; if they don't approach then oh well.

c/s...it's a total turn off if a man doesn't have enough balls or interest to pursue me...If he can't do that much as a man he's not my type anyway. I need to be hunted and pursued and if he's not going to do it well he's not man enough for me. I do the 5 second look and smile. If that doesn't work, keep it moving...not that thirsty for any man.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

If this ain't the truth then I don't know what is. I get so frustrated hearing men and women alike saying this....that they repect women who pursue them....yeah, sure. You like it; of course! She just made it easy for you and your ego. I want a dude that risks a hit to his ego by saying "hello" to me in the grocery store.

To the rest of what everyone else has said; I concur. Every time I've broken this guideline I have suffered for it. Just recently I had a huge crush/flirt fest with my pharmacist. People had all sorts of suggestions for ascertaining his interest...turns out he was married! Just never wore the ring before...or was very recently married . Imagine my embarrassment if I had acted....

I'm sorry but poor George in you siggy! He is cracking me up. Sniffing some ether. . .

 

[brownsugarflyygirl]

So, due to my past experience, my new moto is this: If you do happen to fall for a guy that's not into you (it happens to everyone so don't worry), or is not as into you as you are into him, then please by all means, DON'T pursue him. However, continue to be yourself, smile, be nice and friendly, and accept his calls or invitations SOME OF THE TIME, but please don't be pressed, hanging by the phone, analyzing his every word/action, texting or phoning him, inviting him places, etc. Just be patient, but continue to live your life to the fullest, and see other guys. Who knows?? You may be pleasantly surprised! The guy you've been eyeing may eventually come around. But in the meantime, don't put all your eggs in one basket, or start to pursue HIM. EVEN if you two are "friends".

Why was this written just for me!! Im about to print this out!!!

Great thread OP!! Im learning this...Im used to being the pursued....but a recent situation was a little different and I was kinda making excuses for him...but these past two weeks I stopped that. This thread only reinforces that decision. Like another poster said...IF HE DOESNT PURSUE YOU, HE DOESNT WANT YOU!

 

[brownsugarflyygirl]

YES!!!! YES!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!

Keep in mind there are just times that we will be interested in a guy, and he is not interested... and no amount of manipulation will change that... however if we all consciously come from a place of genuine interest in ourselves and our lives... WOW!!! the effect of that on others around us, is impossible to measure.... but we will see it in our lives blooming...

See not getting busy just for business sake, but really getting into ourselves, and knowing that great friendships is where anything begins, and knowing that men are going to pursue us, and knowing that we are GEMS, and knowing that even on a bad day we are still desirable... knowing that God wants us all to have a happy ending... and trusting that in being our true selves, and honoring ourselves as much as we can (as we all are works in progress) and knowing that everything will be fine... it always works out.... It just takes time for some of us to get how worthy we are, and not from a conceited place, but from a confident/knowing/gracious/loving etc.. place...

Ladies we got this..... and men know it... and that is why they pursue us! We just have to let them do it....

Omigoodness....your post brought tears to my eyes...it really touched me and it is soooooo true!!! Thanks so much for sharing. Wow...I love this site soooo much. Yall are great!

 

[caribeandiva]

Just to foster more discussion/play devil's advocate, what constitutes "approaching a man" in your opinion? o you consider initiating a convo "approaching?" Do you just sit back an give the eye, let him see you, and move on if he doesn't come over? What do YOU consider the most that you would do before crossing that line to approaching?

By approaching i mean initiating a convo with you if you've just met or asking you out if you've met before and talked, flirted, etc...

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I completely agree with this.....and even did this with my husband. I kept dating other men for almost 2 months until he wanted to be exclusive.

Until we talk about being exclusive, I am assuming both parties are dating others. He told me a few times that he was not dating anyone else but until he ASKED to be exclusive I just listened and kept dating others. And I refused to be the one to ask for exclusivity.

Yep. I made the same mistake too. I almost felt like I was in a relationship with him, when I really wasn't!! That's why I say that unless a guy has really told you his feelings and intentions, don't "assume" that you two are in a relationship. Just go about your business like you're single (because you ARE if he hasn't stated exclusivity or otherwise!), and if he really wants you, he won't want you to keep your "single status" for fear of other guys snatching you up.

 

[Makenzie]

I completely agree with this.....and even did this with my husband. I kept dating other men for almost 2 months until he wanted to be exclusive.

Until we talk about being exclusive, I am assuming both parties are dating others. He told me a few times that he was not dating anyone else but until he ASKED to be exclusive I just listened and kept dating others. And I refused to be the one to ask for exclusivity.

ooooohhh good points!

 

[preciouzone]

Lol, so I had to check out the thread where I received a notification that you liked my post and it brought me here @Crystalicequeen123!!!

I can't believe this was back in 2008... 7 WHOLE YEARS AGO. Wow!

I'm so happy that I came across this thread and it brought back so many memories of what I went through with this guy.

So, A quick update on him… He got married in 2013 and he has a baby boy with another woman that he did choose. We were in contact here and there while he was pursuing and courting her.... And me being the "nice friend" actually gave him advice concerning their relationship, while silently deep down inside I was still wishing that he would come to his senses and choose me!

He invited me to their wedding… But I did not go. I did not know this woman and thought it would be weird to meet her on her wedding day to a man that I once dreamed and thought would be mine.

I've spoken to him a couple of times since he's been married and I honestly don't care to sit through him sharing stories of marriage life and being a new daddy while IM STILL SINGLE AND WAITING FOR THE ONE!! Lol

I've finally let go and have been ignoring his phone calls and actually told him at one point that I'll no longer be calling or receiving calls from him. But he STILL CALLS to check up on me and leave me voicemails. The last one was a couple of nights ago. Why doesn't he just get a clue. I don't get why he's still hitting me up.

So so so true!!! Yeah, before I read WMLB I used to erroneously think that when it came to men, you had to "lay down the law" verbally each and every time, and let the guy know (verbally) every single time you feel disrespected or feel a certain way. HA!! No indeed!! Unless he has done something to REALLY disrespect you or offend you, I would just leave things be and let your actions speak for themselves. He'll get the point in time. Guys may be dense sometimes, but they aren't stupid.

I think that with guys the less you tell them, the better anyway. With your girlfriends, sisters, mothers, grandmothers, and other women, you can go on a long tangent and discuss and ruminate over what went wrong, why you were offended, how something made you feel, how you have been through something like that in the past, and how you would like to have the person change without blinking an eye lash. As women we're just wired like that. You can vent and complain to your GIRLfriends. But when it comes to guys...it's a completely different ball game. I've had to learn that the hard way because I didn't have any brothers growing up, and my mom and dad were divorced when I was young.



Ha! Who are you telling girl!! WMLB "cured" me of any "nice girl" syndromes!!!



Hehehe...thanks ladies! I'm just trying to help spread the wealth of knowledge I've gained so that other ladies dont' go through the same thing I went through. I have so much knowledge acquired from relationship books, horror stories from girlfriends, and my OWN past experience, that I could probably write a book myself! Hahaha...just kidding! Sort of....



See...stuff like this just burns me up! Why do guys play games like this!?? Ugh! I know one thing, I've now learned that it is NEVER a good idea for a woman to be the first one to "Confess" her feelings to a man. Even if a guy straight up asks you: "do you like me??" "if I asked you to be my girlfriend...what would you say?" DON'T confess anything to him if he hasn't confessed his feelings for you/made strides to really date you and make you his gf!

Now days, if a guy were to ask me how I felt about him, or whether or not I wanted to be his girlfriend, I'd just play coy and say some things like:

-"I really don't know how I feel. I have to really get to know a guy in a romantic way first before I could ever see him in a romantic light."

-"Hmmm....I would have to know you a little better before I could make a decision like that. Honestly, I don't know you that well. But maybe if I got to know you more, perhaps I could one day see you as potential boyfriend material."

-"I think you're a nice person, and you're cool to hang out with, but I need time to get to know someone more I suppose."

All these comments above let him know that you're not opposed to him, and you like him as a person, but that if HE wants more, he's going to have to STEP up his game, because a valuable woman like you doesn't just fall for any ol' dude. I'm telling you, it will start the wheels in his head turning!! :scratchch "She doesn't want me?? How come she's not falling all over me??" If he's truly interested, he'll have to do more to show his interest! Beware though of guys that only like "the chase". They thrive off of trying to obtain women that never give them the time of day. Then, once they know that they have the woman "sprung", they drop her like a bad habit.



Yep. I made the same mistake too. I almost felt like I was in a relationship with him, when I really wasn't!! That's why I say that unless a guy has really told you his feelings and intentions, don't "assume" that you two are in a relationship. Just go about your business like you're single (because you ARE if he hasn't stated exclusivity or otherwise!), and if he really wants you, he won't want you to keep your "single status" for fear of other guys snatching you up.



Yep...NOOOOO verbalizing of feelings. Verbalizing of feelings should come when you and a man are in an exclusive, committed relationship. If you two aren't, and he's not doing jack, then you don't owe this guy a single solitary thing! No complaints, no explanations, nothing!



Yes, please do! It really will change your frame of mind completely!



THANK YOU! This is soo true!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Lol, so I had to check out the thread where I received a notification that you liked my post and it brought me here @Crystalicequeen123!!!


I can't believe this was back in 2008... 7 WHOLE YEARS AGO. Wow!


I'm so happy that I came across this thread and it brought back so many memories of what I went through with this guy.


So, A quick update on him… He got married in 2013 and he has a baby boy with another woman that he did choose. We were in contact here and there while he was pursuing and courting her.... And me being the "nice friend" actually gave him advice concerning their relationship, while silently deep down inside I was still wishing that he would come to his senses and choose me!


He invited me to their wedding… But I did not go. I did not know this woman and thought it would be weird to meet her on her wedding day to a man that I once dreamed and thought would be mine.


I've spoken to him a couple of times since he's been married and I honestly don't care to sit through him sharing stories of marriage life and being a new daddy while IM STILL SINGLE AND WAITING FOR THE ONE!! Lol


I've finally let go and have been ignoring his phone calls and actually told him at one point that I'll no longer be calling or receiving calls from him. But he STILL CALLS to check up on me and leave me voicemails. The last one was a couple of nights ago. Why doesn't he just get a clue. I don't get why he's still hitting me up.

Oh I'm sorry for bringing up an old thread and reminding you of bad memories. I was just perusing old threads myself and stumbled across some posts that I loved (not sure if they had the "like" feature back then).

This thread is old right lol?

Anyway, wow girl...... thanks for the update! That's so strange that he's still hitting you up even though he's married. Sounds so shady to me. You may have to let him know a Lyle more firmly next time that you do not wish to be contacted.

A little update on my story....... the guy friend that I used to talk about ad nauseum on here and the one I was referencing in my posts in this thread also got married (back in 2010 to be exact) . Not sure if he really chased after her or if she got the ball rolling, but when I heard the story of how they met it was clear that There must have been a mutual attraction to each other.

I actually DID go to his wedding since he invited me, and because I felt like I needed closure. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done emotionally, but when I look back on it, I'm glad I went. I feel like I can do anything now. He never contacts me. ... EVER. Which is fine because I've moved clear across the country so I dint have to even worry about running into Peopl e he might know.

I've long since gotten over him years ago (thank goodness), and I rarely if ever even think about him anymore. I've noticed however, that unfortunately this experience changed me somewhat, and so even though I'm over him, I'm much more cautious and guarded around guys now and I feel that it's hindering me.

I just had an experience recently that proved to me (yet again!!!) that it's SO much better when the MAN initiates and makes the moves. ... especially in the beginning. This time, I wasn't the one chaSing after a dude, but more so my FRIENDS trying to hook us up on many different occasions. .... hence making it awkward on me AND on him. They just thought we would be so "perfect" together and couldn't resist trying to set us up. *sigh* I appreciate their efforts and all, but I warned then from the get go that it's better for the GUY to make the first move.

So yet more proof that you shouldn't even have your friends trying toprobably hook you up with a guy.

 

[Flourishnikov]

Great thread.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Great thread.

I know right?? Like, it should be a permanent sticky lol

 

[bklynbornNbred]

@preciouzone that's weird that he's still calling you. Did you two ever date or is he oblivious that you wanted out of the friend zone? For your own sanity I'm glad you let him go.

My late $.02 - if for some reason they break up don't rush to be by his side and comfort him...when he's strong again he'll move on again (ask how I know)....

 

[natural_one]

I agree with the notion of not asking a guy out or chasing a guy..I have seen too many of my friends get embarrassed behind it..I have learned a lesson from watching them, plus my pride won't allow me to do it anyway

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I've done it more times than I want to admit. The first time I was 19 and the other times were at the behest of my mom or well meaning friends. It. never. works. I refuse to do it ever again. All my girlfriends with SOs, the men pursued them. So no go.

 

[vevster]

Always. I asked this guy why he never asked me out since i know we like each other for years. Bottom line: He didnt have enough feelings to ask me out so now he has a girlfriend. Boy, am i glad i didnt listen to my friends who told me call him and basically ask him out instead. My instincts were right on the money.

The Rules and Why men love b*tches were right! Stop making excuses for a man. Men are not shy, just really really not interested. It hurts a little but now i can finally move on and not wonder: what if?

So funny this thread pops up. SO TRUE. They know what to do IF they want to.

 

[caribeandiva]

I still live by this motto. The older I get the more I realize how true this is.

 

[preciouzone]

No we never dated. We were business associates in the same state but different cities. However we did share a kiss at or companies conference. We were attracted to one another and never liked each other at the same time. By the time I came around, he had already moved on. I crushed on him for years, and it hurt to know that the feeling was not mutual.

I think he genuinely likes me as a person and we have great conversations and can speak on the phone for hours. I also realize that he doesn't 'get' just how into him I really was at one point or he's acting like he didn't know. But I know for a fact that that's not true because when he invited me to his wedding, he 'jokingly' said to me that he hopes that i don't stand up and object during the ceremony.

It may very well be a pride and ego thing and he loves the attention that he got from me. I was so accessible and predictable that i would answer his phone calls whenever and any time he calls.

I'm completely over him and I don't feel that I owe him anything, so I chose to stop communicating with him.

@preciouzone that's weird that he's still calling you. Did you two ever date or is he oblivious that you wanted out of the friend zone? For your own sanity I'm glad you let him go.

My late $.02 - if for some reason they break up don't rush to be by his side and comfort him...when he's strong again he'll move on again (ask how I know)....

 

[bklynbornNbred]

He knew. Men don't talk on the phone for hours just because. Either way you deserve someone that is all in the way you were willing to be. His loss.

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

This is the truth I don't care what year we're in , I will stand firm on this principle. I know people that pursue men and yeah it may work for a while or they wear the man out to make him like them. That's sad to me, I have way too much pride for that.

 

[vevster]

Other language to watch out for.... When he says "He doesn't know." About his feelings, about what he wants...etc. that is code.

 

[preciouzone]

Lol, that is so true!

A man that 'doesn't know' is a man that is not in tune with himself or what he does and doesn't want. Or he's simply not being honest with himself or you.

I love a man of purpose, who is clear about the role you play in his life and let's you in on his plans concerning the both of you. I'm learning to let a man lead and pursue verses trying to convince him of my worth or proving myself to him.

In life, a man pursues what he wants and desires!

Other language to watch out for.... When he says "He doesn't know." About his feelings, about what he wants...etc. that is code.