Interracial dating and potential marriage

[Overjoyed]

I have been involved in an interracial relationship for the last 6 months and all is well. This is my first interracial relationship and it has turned out to be everything I anticipated and more.

I will be 37 years old next month and I'd like to get married, but at my age I cannot waste my time with dead end relationships. With that being said call me crazy, paranoid or PMS'n, but I am concerned because I need to make sure I am not dating a white man who may feel I am good enough to date, but not good enough to marry. He has never given me any reason to believe that this is his mindset, but keep in mind this is his first interracial relationship as well. And please believe I am not jumping the gun wanting this man to marry me, but if this is how he thinks then I do not want to waste my time.

Are my concerns valid?erplexed

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Ya'll need to have a talk about the direction you're going.

If having a conversation about marriage scares him or you detect anything funny in his demeanor then bounce because you're wasting time.

The title implies that this thread is about IR marriage, but it isn't. It's about being 37 yrs old and not wasting months and years off the biological clock.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I was going to say the same thing: I'm not sure what the interracial part plays in this. It just sounds like because this is a new experience, it feels different, but I agree. If the relationship is not progressing or you two are not on the same wavelength, then you have decisions to make. Is 6 months too early to decide this? I can't answer that for you. You have to feel it out.

 

[BrooklynSouth]

I have been involved in an interracial marriage for the last 6 months and all is well. This is my first interracial relationship and it has turned out to be everything I anticipated and more.

I will be 37 years old next month and I'd like to get married, but at my age I cannot waste my time with dead end relationships. With that being said call me crazy, paranoid or PMS'n, but I am concerned because I need to make sure I am not dating a white man who may feel I am good enough to date, but not good enough to marry. He has never given me any reason to believe that this is his mindset, but keep in mind this is his first interracial relationship as well. And please believe I am not jumping the gun wanting this man to marry me, but if this is how he thinks then I do not want to waste my time.

Are my concerns valid?erplexed

More importantly...DO YOU THINK HE IS GOOD ENOUGH TO MARRY?

 

[kayte]

Do you realize..you made a freudian slip,OP ...lol? Re-read slowly the first line in your post ......
I kind of see why an interracial question was raised because there are wm who are content to date a bw but refuse to commit to her in marriage and because of the color difference...that IS a reality...and yes..of course while..commitment issues bear no discrimination with ethnicity, I still understand OP's concern and personally, I would sussed that out within the first 3 months. Men are pretty up front about their stuff.

but OP...you are affirming this IS a good relationship and even more than you'd hoped for! ...So...I would not focus on the IR stuff/ suspicions but just ask how he feels about you.... and the "us" thus far...
see if he thinks it's wonderful and he will! so then how about just asking....."where do you see this going..."
also
Has the topic surfaced at all from ..him
even indirectly like...ie:if he said something like...
"they say when people grow old together they look like each
other and I bet we will too"

or about possible children together

or how much has he integrated you in his personal life
have you been introduced to key people in his life...
like family or invited to family events ..meeting his friends
or does he refer to how he told them about you or has your picture
that he shows them and tells you anecdotes about how you came up in conversation ...etc etc or... puts you on the phone with them

More importantly...DO YOU THINK HE IS GOOD ENOUGH TO MARRY?

yup..co-signing ..try your best not stress out about 3 & 7..btw...

 

[erokawa]

I think you're a little paranoid. There's not some HUGE difference between you two... he's just white. If you're going after the right type of guy in the first place, you won't really need to worry about that sort of thing. I guess you concern could be valid but I don't think it's something to be paranoid about.

 

[Overjoyed]

Ya'll need to have a talk about the direction you're going.

If having a conversation about marriage scares him or you detect anything funny in his demeanor then bounce because you're wasting time.

The title implies that this thread is about IR marriage, but it isn't. It's about being 37 yrs old and not wasting months and years off the biological clock.

No, this is NOT about me being 37 years old and not wanting to waste years this is about me as a black woman being good enough to date, but not good enough to marry. Let's keep it real interracial dating is on the rise...just look at this board, but a harsh reality is that it is still a taboo in white families.

 

[Overjoyed]

More importantly...DO YOU THINK HE IS GOOD ENOUGH TO MARRY?

Without a doubt yes he is AND I do not question that at all.

 

[Xavier]

I have been involved in an interracial marriage for the last 6 months and all is well. This is my first interracial relationship and it has turned out to be everything I anticipated and more.

I will be 37 years old next month and I'd like to get married, but at my age I cannot waste my time with dead end relationships. With that being said call me crazy, paranoid or PMS'n, but I am concerned because I need to make sure I am not dating a white man who may feel I am good enough to date, but not good enough to marry. He has never given me any reason to believe that this is his mindset, but keep in mind this is his first interracial relationship as well. And please believe I am not jumping the gun wanting this man to marry me, but if this is how he thinks then I do not want to waste my time.

Are my concerns valid?erplexed

Please edit your first sentence. Okay now I do think that your concerns are valid. I mean you are 37 years old and just want to know that you are not wasting anymore of your precious time. But I think that communicating your concerns to him is key.

 

[Overjoyed]

I think some people kinda, sorta missed the mark the things mentioned are not concerns at all. I think and maybe I am wrong a white man will date a black women, but there are many who will not wed a black woman - a harsh reality, but true. I was talking to a couple of my friends(one male and another female they most definitely agreed that maybe it is something I need to discuss because anything is possible. He is a great guy, but I don't sleep on any man no matter what his race is these days.

 

[Overjoyed]

Please edit your first sentence. Okay now I do think that your concerns are valid. I mean you are 37 years old and just want to know that you are not wasting anymore of your precious time. But I think that communicating your concerns to him is key.

My bad, I said marriage....LOL! But, I am glad that you see where I am coming from. Even if I wasn't 37...wow, I slipped again I am not even 37 yet, but I will be in 2 weeks. But, since I can remember my mantra was, "don't waste my time and I won't waste yours".

 

[Overjoyed]

I think you're a little paranoid. There's not some HUGE difference between you two... he's just white. If you're going after the right type of guy in the first place, you won't really need to worry about that sort of thing. I guess you concern could be valid but I don't think it's something to be paranoid about.

Erokawa,

That is my middle name, "paranoid". I will make something out of nothing with a quickness. Like everyone human being I have had my share of B.S. with men and I am not trying to get in a comfort zone and think because he is of another race that he is not capable of B.S.

 

[carcajada]

I suggest you work things out within your own conscience. From the looks of your posts, this issue doesn't have anything to do with him.

 

[Overjoyed]

I suggest you work things out within your own conscience. From the looks of your posts, this issue doesn't have anything to do with him.

I know

 

[tmichelle]

I have an unwritten rule in my mind. If there is no engagement within one year than move on. People usually know if they are a match within one month, but I'd be "patient" and give it a year.

I'm married to a white man and the only one in his family that has an issue with it is his granddad. I understand that this is not the reality for everyone but I think a lot of people are more accepting of IR (even in their family) than we sometimes think. In fact dh younger brother ended up marrying a woman of Asian decent.

So back to my unwritten rules, I also don't believe in long engagements so when he does pop the question 4-6 months is long enough to plan a fabulous wedding and no one will get tired of hearing about it by then.

BTW, my dh and I met one another and were married 11 months after and we've been very happily married for 10 years.

 

[Overjoyed]

I have an unwritten rule in my mind. If there is no engagement within one year than move on. People usually know if they are a match within one month, but I'd be "patient" and give it a year.

I'm married to a white man and the only one in his family that has an issue with it is his granddad. I understand that this is not the reality for everyone but I think a lot of people are more accepting of IR (even in their family) than we sometimes think. In fact dh younger brother ended up marrying a woman of Asian decent.

So back to my unwritten rules, I also don't believe in long engagements so when he does pop the question 4-6 months is long enough to plan a fabulous wedding and no one will get tired of hearing about it by then.
BTW, my dh and I met one another and were married 11 months after and we've been very happily married for 10 years.

I agree with you wholeheartedly no matter how old a person is no one has time to waste. Some people view this as an age issue for me, but it's not.

His grandfather is 92 and his grandmother is 87 they are from the old, old school when black folks were no more than slaves to white people so I am not expecting them to accept me with open arms. Congrats on your happy marriage-I want to be like you when I grow up also congrats on your little bundle of joy!

 

[Country gal]

You need to discuss with him and judging from your posts the convo hasn't occured.

 

[chicacanella]

I think some people kinda, sorta missed the mark the things mentioned are not concerns at all. I think and maybe I am wrong a white man will date a black women, but there are many who will not wed a black woman - a harsh reality, but true. I was talking to a couple of my friends(one male and another female they most definitely agreed that maybe it is something I need to discuss because anything is possible. He is a great guy, but I don't sleep on any man no matter what his race is these days.

I LIKE UR LAST SENTENCE. THIS CAN BE SAID FOR AA MEN AS WELL.

 

[tmichelle]

I agree with you wholeheartedly no matter how old a person is no one has time to waste. Some people view this as an age issue for me, but it's not.

His grandfather is 92 and his grandmother is 87 they are from the old, old school when black folks were no more than slaves to white people so I am not expecting them to accept me with open arms. Congrats on your happy marriage-I want to be like you when I grow up also congrats on your little bundle of joy!

Aww, thanks for the well wishes!

If/when you meet the grandparents, bring them a homemade lemon or five flavored pound cake, no old person can resist that

 

[Crackers Phinn]

No, this is NOT about me being 37 years old and not wanting to waste years this is about me as a black woman being good enough to date, but not good enough to marry. Let's keep it real interracial dating is on the rise...just look at this board, but a harsh reality is that it is still a taboo in white families.

ok good luck with that.

 

[LaPetiteCoquette]

No, this is NOT about me being 37 years old and not wanting to waste years this is about me as a black woman being good enough to date, but not good enough to marry. Let's keep it real interracial dating is on the rise...just look at this board, but a harsh reality is that it is still a taboo in white families.

(a) You shouldn't be with anyone who may think you're good enough to date, but not good enough to marry (is that what he has implied to you, or is that a thought process you are imposing on yourself?)

(b) There are many black women who were considered "good enough" to marry by their white husbands; I'm sure they'll chime in soon.

(c) This is a discussion that you need to have with HIM. Regardless of race, you should know what direction your relationship is heading in and what the potential may be.

 

[Overjoyed]

You need to discuss with him and judging from your posts the convo hasn't occured.

We are going out to dinner tomorrow and I am going to bring it up. The only thing is I do not want to seem as if I am "pressuring him to make a choice" or implying "he must marry me" because that is not the issue. I just want to make it clear that if he is one of those who will date a black woman, but will not marry one then he needs to go -immediately!

 

[Overjoyed]

(a) You shouldn't be with anyone who may think you're good enough to date, but not good enough to marry (is that what he has implied to you, or is that a thought process you are imposing on yourself?)

(b) There are many black women who were considered "good enough" to marry by their white husbands; I'm sure they'll chime in soon.

(c) This is a discussion that you need to have with HIM. Regardless of race, you should know what direction your relationship is heading in and what the potential may be.

LaPetiteCoquette,

This is something he did not imply because if he did I'm no fool I wouldn't be here now discussing this issue now. Just as there are black women who were considered good enough to marry awhite man I am sure there are black women who weren't good enough to marry a white man.

 

[Farida]

If the man has given you no reason to think that way and you still do, you might want to check yourself.

 

[Farida]

Oh and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you are not going to ask him the question you put here, the way you phrased it. Don't.

 

[tocktick]

If the man has given you no reason to think that way and you still do, you might want to check yourself.

co-sign...

 

[Blossssom]

Have you tried discussing it with him, Joy?

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Without a doubt yes he is AND I do not question that at all.

So it seems best to just enjoy the relationship and it will go where it goes unless you simply want to marry him. You have heard here it is best to set a time limit for dating..should there be no more than this on the horizon for 18 months then move on if you choose. Do the two of you have an exclusivity clause? No clause? Date others at the same time..it'll increase your chances of marriage.

 

[Country gal]

I would point blank ask him. We sometimes can be too settle. I wouldn't say would you marry me. I would ask him casually what are your thoughts on inter-racial marriage. I would even bring up a "friend that told you he was dating an Asian woman, but he wouldn't marry her becasue of his family". I would ask him what he thought.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I have been involved in an interracial relationship for the last 6 months and all is well. This is my first interracial relationship and it has turned out to be everything I anticipated and more.

I will be 37 years old next month and I'd like to get married, but at my age I cannot waste my time with dead end relationships. With that being said call me crazy, paranoid or PMS'n, but I am concerned because I need to make sure I am not dating a white man who may feel I am good enough to date, but not good enough to marry. He has never given me any reason to believe that this is his mindset, but keep in mind this is his first interracial relationship as well. And please believe I am not jumping the gun wanting this man to marry me, but if this is how he thinks then I do not want to waste my time.

Are my concerns valid?erplexed

Race schmace. Of course your concerns are valid. Bottom line, you don't want to waste your time. If he was black you STILL wouldn't want to waste your time, you just wouldn't be concerned about race as a factor.

I was the first black girl my husband was ever involved with.

And the only woman he ever brought home to mom.

Just because you are first doesn't mean you are some kind of experiment.