I NEED TO KNOW AM I CRAZY

[weaveologist]

Okay so I text SO Merry Christmas at about 1 o'clock in the morning because I knew he was up and working. He texted me back and said he got me a gift card because he couldn't think of anything to get me. That gave me a wierd feeling. He did ask me what I wanted and I told him that I wanted him to think of something so I'd be surprised. Honestly, in my head, I just wanted to see what he would think of, whether he would think of anything romantic or not, because lately, I have been questioning our relationship that has been very off and on. (The off times have been because of me bc lately I am just really unhappy)

So yeah, he gets me a gift card. For how much and to where I never found out because come the next day I am sitting around and waiting to for us to hook up and I notice its about 2pm. Now I realized that morning that he probably didn't get off of work until 4-5 that morning, had to get some sleep, and then when he did get up he had to see his kid and his mom. I understood all that. So when he did call he told me that he'd call me in a few hours and see what I was doing. That was about 4pm. Sooo time is going by and its going on eight o'clock. At this point my Christmas day is winding down and I'm ready for a drink. I've done my family thing, my son is with his dad, and I am getting invitations to go places. So he calls and says that he had two more spots to hit and then would let me know if we could hook up. . . . . . . . . . Now the nice person in me knew that he would be tired by now because its obvious he didn't get much sleep after getting off work. But the heiffer in me that's been cooking dinner, sleeping with him, helping him here and there, listening to him vent, and being a back bone for the past three years was highly mf'ing irritated. My thing is this: Granted you have a little time to do alot of things BUT at some point you should have realized that time was a ticking and that if he had more family to visit then he should have taken me on one of those road trips just to kill two birds with one stone. Never the less I simply told him don't worry about hooking up with me because in the back of my mind I am thinking "Ni$$a you got me a gift card for Christmas".... So after pondering over this for about twenty minutes I texted him and said, "If you have more important places to go, then don't worry about me because by the time I see you you'll be tired and Christmas will be over." So he texts me back saying "Its not like that. I'm just touching down with fam"...So I texted him back saying "I'm not saying its like anything. I just didn't expect to have to be penciled in. I expected more than that"... And I did! I have been a very patient and understanding woman for the past year. I deserved praises and gifts of gold and/or Indian hair for Christmas. Even if he gave me a gift card, had he alloted time well spent doing something romantic, I would have been happy.

So anyway, here comes 11:58 on the dot and he calls. At this point I am so irriated that I don't even answer. Then he texts me the next day at about 2pm asking me where am I. I ask Y? He texts back "I wanted to bring you your gift but never mind" I reply, "That's fine with me because Christmas is over anyway". So to make sure he doesn't think that I am being simple-minded and freaking out simply because he didn't/couldn't see me on Christmas I let him know how I feel. My issue is this: All year I am the one having his back. I am the one being patient while he runs all over the city for his mama, plays with the kid, then sleeps, goes to work for days at at time (he works for the railroad), and then comes back just to do it all over again. I am the one that's cool with by the time he sees me he's so damn tired that he's falling asleep on me. I am the one that gets called FIRST when he needs something because, despite the facts that he bends over backwards for his family, I am the only reliable mf'er he knows. I am the one that gives him no drama (so he says) and makes his so happy (so he says). Now here comes his opportunity to say thank you and I appreciate you and this mfer gets me a gift card and can't even give it to until the day after Christmas??????????

Woo-the f'ck- saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Ooooo I was hot!! I haven't talked to thim since because I am simply hurt by this. Though he probably was trying his best, I feel like you make time for what you want to do and he should have made it a priorty to spend time with me on Christmas and he should have put more thought into getting me something besides a gift card. Period.

So am I wrong? Am I being simple minded about this?

 

[Bunny77]

The Rules, girl... the Rules!!!

 

[alwayzalady22]

at deserving praises, gold and indian hair!

you right though, you deserve alla dat and some time on xmas.

 

[weaveologist]

That's what I'm saying!!!! The Rules said if he doesn't get you a romantic gift then dump him! Now I didn't want to run my relationship per a book but it makes so much sense. If you have been dating or in a relationship with a man and he doesn't get you a romantic gift it does give you a hint on how he truly feels about you.

His bday is next week and I had soooooooo many plans for him. NOT!!! Everything is canceled!

 

[Bunny77]

That's what I'm saying!!!! The Rules said if he doesn't get you a romantic gift then dump him! Now I didn't want to run my relationship per a book but it makes so much sense. If you have been dating or in a relationship with a man and he doesn't get you a romantic gift it does give you a hint on how he truly feels about you.

His bday is next week and I had soooooooo many plans for him. NOT!!! Everything is canceled!

I wasn't even thinking about the gift part in the book, but the fact that he made you the very last thing on his priority list that day... that in addition to the gift speaks volumes!!!

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Actions speak louder than words. We make time for the things we want to do and we make excuses for everything else.

OP, I don't fall him though. Why are you playing wifey? Sounds like you're overinvested and now you're frustrated with the lack of reciprocity. Don't ever give more in a pre-marital relationship than you can stand to lose.

Sounds like you're being taken for granted. I would have a sit down with him and do a state of the relationship address to get an understanding. Perhaps he is too caught up to be aware of what you need. That's not an excuse but I think you should bring it to his attention. If he can't do better after that, then it may be time to reconsider your continued investment in him and the relationship.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I deserved praises and gifts of gold and/or Indian hair for Christmas.

LMAO...

After 3 years, I think you have more than enough reason to be unhappy, especially with a gift card. Granted, my DH is not someone I can shop for (he's too picky...), but I still try. I hacked into his Amazon account for his birthday.

In general it seems like this relationship is over... and you're simply waiting for it to be dead...the xmas thing isn't helping.

 

[weaveologist]

Actions speak louder than words. We make time for the things we want to do and we make excuses for everything else.

OP, I don't fall him though. Why are you playing wifey? Sounds like you're overinvested and now you're frustrated with the lack of reciprocity. Don't ever give more in a pre-marital relationship than you can stand to lose.

Sounds like you're being taken for granted. I would have a sit down with him and do a state of the relationship address to get an understanding. Perhaps he is too caught up to be aware of what you need. That's not an excuse but I think you should bring it to his attention. If he can't do better after that, then it may be time to reconsider your continued investment in him and the relationship.

Ain't no continued investment...lol...I haven't talked to him since then. I'm just done. Like someone else commented, his lack of effort speaks volumes. Maybe he is too tired to do anything more. Maybe he is too caught up in his responsibilities that he's fallen off with me. To give him credit, the first two years he was great. Which is why this year when things got rought for him, I was patient and understanding. BUT DAMN! At some point I needs some recognition. I have been patient long enough in my opinion.

 

[weaveologist]

LMAO...

After 3 years, I think you have more than enough reason to be unhappy, especially with a gift card. Granted, my DH is not someone I can shop for (he's too picky...), but I still try. I hacked into his Amazon account for his birthday.

In general it seems like this relationship is over... and you're simply waiting for it to be dead...the xmas thing isn't helping.

Exactly. I had one foot out the door with my coat on and purse on my shoulder anyway. This just pushed me right on outside into the cold.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Okay so I text SO Merry Christmas at about 1 o'clock in the morning because I knew he was up and working. He texted me back and said he got me a gift card because he couldn't think of anything to get me. That gave me a wierd feeling. He did ask me what I wanted and I told him that I wanted him to think of something so I'd be surprised. Honestly, in my head, I just wanted to see what he would think of, whether he would think of anything romantic or not, because lately, I have been questioning our relationship that has been very off and on. (The off times have been because of me bc lately I am just really unhappy)

... But the heiffer in me that's been cooking dinner, sleeping with him, helping him here and there, listening to him vent, and being a back bone for the past three years was highly mf'ing irritated.

When a man is in love, there's nobody that will come in front of her, not even his mother (to a certain extent). You gave him everything HE needs and he's got his cake and eating it too without marriage. He's got nookie and food and he's satisfied. You got played in a sense. He's using you. I'm glad you told him what you did. You shouldn't be a welcome mat for him and he can't even give you the time of day on a great holiday.

 

[Farida]

Actions speak louder than words. We make time for the things we want to do and we make excuses for everything else.

OP, I don't fall him though. Why are you playing wifey? Sounds like you're overinvested and now you're frustrated with the lack of reciprocity. Don't ever give more in a pre-marital relationship than you can stand to lose.

Sounds like you're being taken for granted. I would have a sit down with him and do a state of the relationship address to get an understanding. Perhaps he is too caught up to be aware of what you need. That's not an excuse but I think you should bring it to his attention. If he can't do better after that, then it may be time to reconsider your continued investment in him and the relationship.

ITA. You are doing too much for a man who doesn't seem to be doing anything for you...does he? If he was writing a vent, what would he list as the things he does for you? Perhaps you chose a man who is too busy. You have a child and so does he, but he seems like between his kid and his exhausting job he doesn't feel like he can make more time.

I would talk to him but all I'll say for now is I wish he'd called, because some things seem callous on text message and you are better off explaining yourself in person!

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

I would have a sit down with him and do a state of the relationship address to get an understanding. .

Haha, at this point, she doesn't need to talk with him to see where she stands. He's a shmuck.

 

[Country gal]

What does the rules say about romantic gift? I don't care about gift cards because you can get what you want. did you give him some clues on appropriate gifts?

I got a book for Christmas from someone I am dating. It is a small gift but it was very thougthful. I just happen to mention that I wanted to read that book so it was a complete surprise. It wasn't an expensive gift but it showed that he paid attention to me.
I am an avid reader. I love to read books. It is a good idea for a book person plus he plans on getting me some other stuff. We agreed to give each other a small gift on Christmas because of the economic times.

 

[somethingdifferent]

I don't mind gift cards either. What would bother me is not the gift card but the fact that I didn't see his behind on Christmas day.

 

[Country gal]

Actions speak louder than words. We make time for the things we want to do and we make excuses for everything else.

OP, I don't fall him though. Why are you playing wifey? Sounds like you're overinvested and now you're frustrated with the lack of reciprocity. Don't ever give more in a pre-marital relationship than you can stand to lose.

Sounds like you're being taken for granted. I would have a sit down with him and do a state of the relationship address to get an understanding. Perhaps he is too caught up to be aware of what you need. That's not an excuse but I think you should bring it to his attention. If he can't do better after that, then it may be time to reconsider your continued investment in him and the relationship.

You don;t need a sit down though. When a man tells you who he is you better listen.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Haha, at this point, she doesn't need to talk with him to see where she stands. He's a shmuck.

I agree but part of the reason get caught up in off and on cycles and drag out dead relationships is because they don't tell the truth and just say what they need to say and be done with it.

I'd be willing to bet that OP has not said everything to him that she said in her OP in a diplomatic way.

When you sit down and say, "Ok, I want X and you are not giving it. Can you or will you give X?" And a man says he's not ready to give X, can't give X, or any other excuse, then a woman has NO reason to be holding on to see if things will change or making excuses for bad behavior.

I'm just a person who believes that in relationships, you should err on the side of communicating your thoughts and feelings and hearing the other person's. After it's over, it cuts way down on regrets, wondering, and shoulda coulda wouldas.

JMO

 

[weaveologist]

ITA. You are doing too much for a man who doesn't seem to be doing anything for you...does he? If he was writing a vent, what would he list as the things he does for you? Perhaps you chose a man who is too busy. You have a child and so does he, but he seems like between his kid and his exhausting job he doesn't feel like he can make more time.

I would talk to him but all I'll say for now is I wish he'd called, because some things seem callous on text message and you are better off explaining yourself in person!

Don't get me wrong. He has come through alot for me. Don't get me wrong. I am not doing things that are not recipricated. Lately our time has been stressed because of his outside obligations, but I have been patient because it is not always like that. This Christmas thing just really took the cake for me. So to answer your question, YES, he does to alot for me.

 

[caligirl2385]

I hate to say it, but you need to let him go. There is better out there for you. I was in a similar situation as yours - Had a boyfriend who ALWAYS made me his last priority. I finally dumped his behind and 2 weeks later, met my fiance! LET IT GO.

 

[weaveologist]

What does the rules say about romantic gift? I don't care about gift cards because you can get what you want. did you give him some clues on appropriate gifts?

I got a book for Christmas from someone I am dating. It is a small gift but it was very thougthful. I just happen to mention that I wanted to read that book so it was a complete surprise. It wasn't an expensive gift but it showed that he paid attention to me.
I am an avid reader. I love to read books. It is a good idea for a book person plus he plans on getting me some other stuff. We agreed to give each other a small gift on Christmas because of the economic times.

This is all I wanted. Like I said, he could have gotten me some hair and I would have been happy and thought "aaaaaaw that's so sweet" because that would show that he put in some effort and thought of ME. The gift card was a I'm tired of looking and don't feel like looking cop out and that hurt because he KNOWS that I had something planned for his bday because I asked him to take off work. So knowing that I went all out for his bday, he got me a gift card???

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

I agree but part of the reason get caught up in off and on cycles and drag out dead relationships is because they don't tell the truth and just say what they need to say and be done with it.

JMO

Women or men? I think that if the relationship were very communicative in the first place and there were issues they were dealing with on an even basis, then talking about it would be necessary and beneficial. But if a guy treats you like that...letting you go slowly, just get going. There's no need to talk with anybody about it. I think that women often try to hold on to the last bit of hope by talking it out as though they are going to hear the words they so desire and are completely missing the language of the guy. In this case, he's saying he needs to move on but she *might* be too clingy to listen to his actions.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

This is all I wanted. Like I said, he could have gotten me some hair and I would have been happy and thought "aaaaaaw that's so sweet" because that would show that he put in some effort and thought of ME. The gift card was a I'm tired of looking and don't feel like looking cop out and that hurt because he KNOWS that I had something planned for his bday because I asked him to take off work. So knowing that I went all out for his bday, he got me a gift card???

I don't think the issue is really the gift card but his lack of spending quality time with you. That speaks louder. Talk to him, listen to him, read his body language, look into his eyes and if you see distance, just tell him you understand...and that's it. I'd hate to see you trying to give any more of yourself and he's not willing to give 1 itty bit of himself. You might just have to distance yourself completely, no explanations. If he's the one, he'll come running to you. Men RUN to their beloved...not the other way around. Guys are so stoopid in this realm but they don't like to be caught, they like doing the catching.

 

[weaveologist]

Women or men? I think that if the relationship were very communicative in the first place and there were issues they were dealing with on an even basis, then talking about it would be necessary and beneficial. But if a guy treats you like that...letting you go slowly, just get going. There's no need to talk with anybody about it. I think that women often try to hold on to the last bit of hope by talking it out as though they are going to hear the words they so desire and are completely missing the language of the guy. In this case, he's saying he needs to move on but she *might* be too clingy to listen to his actions.

Not me. I'm out. I see this going the wrong way. I made the mistake of holding on to a dead relationship years ago and I am not doing that again. I hate to wiegh our relationship on one holiday but as stated previously, this speaks VOLUMES.

 

[january noir]

If your needs are not being met, it's time to move on. You can remain friends, but find someone who will make you a priority. Everyone deserves that.

I dated a man who sounds like your man. He meant well, but all in all, he wasn't what I deserved and I broke the relationship off. I am doing much better now thank you! My SO isn't perfect but he tries hard and succeeds most of the time. He's still in training, but he's working hard to please me.

Get someone who will work hard to please you!

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Not me. I'm out. I see this going the wrong way. I made the mistake of holding on to a dead relationship years ago and I am not doing that again. I hate to wiegh our relationship on one holiday but as stated previously, this speaks VOLUMES.

Ah, sweetie, I know this must be hard, at holiday time. At least you see the light. Well, look at it this way, you've got 1 new year and it's wide open to find complete love. I hope the guy who truly loves you has longer arms and hugs tighter!!!

 

[Country gal]

This is all I wanted. Like I said, he could have gotten me some hair and I would have been happy and thought "aaaaaaw that's so sweet" because that would show that he put in some effort and thought of ME. The gift card was a I'm tired of looking and don't feel like looking cop out and that hurt because he KNOWS that I had something planned for his bday because I asked him to take off work. So knowing that I went all out for his bday, he got me a gift card???

Okay. I understand you.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Okay so I text SO Merry Christmas at about 1 o'clock in the morning because I knew he was up and working. He texted me back and said he got me a gift card because he couldn't think of anything to get me. That gave me a wierd feeling. He did ask me what I wanted and I told him that I wanted him to think of something so I'd be surprised. Honestly, in my head, I just wanted to see what he would think of, whether he would think of anything romantic or not, because lately, I have been questioning our relationship that has been very off and on. (The off times have been because of me bc lately I am just really unhappy)

So yeah, he gets me a gift card. For how much and to where I never found out because come the next day I am sitting around and waiting to for us to hook up and I notice its about 2pm. Now I realized that morning that he probably didn't get off of work until 4-5 that morning, had to get some sleep, and then when he did get up he had to see his kid and his mom. I understood all that. So when he did call he told me that he'd call me in a few hours and see what I was doing. That was about 4pm. Sooo time is going by and its going on eight o'clock. At this point my Christmas day is winding down and I'm ready for a drink. I've done my family thing, my son is with his dad, and I am getting invitations to go places. So he calls and says that he had two more spots to hit and then would let me know if we could hook up. . . . . . . . . . Now the nice person in me knew that he would be tired by now because its obvious he didn't get much sleep after getting off work. But the heiffer in me that's been cooking dinner, sleeping with him, helping him here and there, listening to him vent, and being a back bone for the past three years was highly mf'ing irritated. My thing is this: Granted you have a little time to do alot of things BUT at some point you should have realized that time was a ticking and that if he had more family to visit then he should have taken me on one of those road trips just to kill two birds with one stone. Never the less I simply told him don't worry about hooking up with me because in the back of my mind I am thinking "Ni$$a you got me a gift card for Christmas".... So after pondering over this for about twenty minutes I texted him and said, "If you have more important places to go, then don't worry about me because by the time I see you you'll be tired and Christmas will be over." So he texts me back saying "Its not like that. I'm just touching down with fam"...So I texted him back saying "I'm not saying its like anything. I just didn't expect to have to be penciled in. I expected more than that"... And I did! I have been a very patient and understanding woman for the past year. I deserved praises and gifts of gold and/or Indian hair for Christmas. Even if he gave me a gift card, had he alloted time well spent doing something romantic, I would have been happy.

So anyway, here comes 11:58 on the dot and he calls. At this point I am so irriated that I don't even answer. Then he texts me the next day at about 2pm asking me where am I. I ask Y? He texts back "I wanted to bring you your gift but never mind" I reply, "That's fine with me because Christmas is over anyway". So to make sure he doesn't think that I am being simple-minded and freaking out simply because he didn't/couldn't see me on Christmas I let him know how I feel. My issue is this: All year I am the one having his back. I am the one being patient while he runs all over the city for his mama, plays with the kid, then sleeps, goes to work for days at at time (he works for the railroad), and then comes back just to do it all over again. I am the one that's cool with by the time he sees me he's so damn tired that he's falling asleep on me. I am the one that gets called FIRST when he needs something because, despite the facts that he bends over backwards for his family, I am the only reliable mf'er he knows. I am the one that gives him no drama (so he says) and makes his so happy (so he says). Now here comes his opportunity to say thank you and I appreciate you and this mfer gets me a gift card and can't even give it to until the day after Christmas??????????

Woo-the f'ck- saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Ooooo I was hot!! I haven't talked to thim since because I am simply hurt by this. Though he probably was trying his best, I feel like you make time for what you want to do and he should have made it a priorty to spend time with me on Christmas and he should have put more thought into getting me something besides a gift card. Period.

So am I wrong? Am I being simple minded about this?

I stand by this no matter what excuses are given.

 

[Bunny77]

Don't get me wrong. He has come through alot for me. Don't get me wrong. I am not doing things that are not recipricated. Lately our time has been stressed because of his outside obligations, but I have been patient because it is not always like that. This Christmas thing just really took the cake for me. So to answer your question, YES, he does to alot for me.

Okay, my thoughts...

You've been together three years. Now, I don't know what your goal is/was for this relationship, but that's a long time without a permanent commitment. Now maybe you don't want that, and that's cool... but I guess what I'm wondering is this... if he's been able to be with you for three years without a commitment and you're acting in a wifey way, why should he change? You've shown that you'll accept being put on the back burner and so he runs with it. When you were doing that Rules test for a while, you noticed a change, but now that you seem to be back to Old Reliable, he's back to putting you very low on his priority list.

What do you want from this man? Marriage? A committed relationship that isn't marriage, but that's close to that in general? Does he know this? Have you stated your expectations for this relationship? And if you have, if he doesn't follow them, you don't need to stick around.

Finally, while he (or any other man) maybe have outside obligations or responsibilities, a relationships is ALSO a responsibility. When you choose to involve yourself with someone, they also become a responsibility/obligation. I know that sounds unromantic, but in a general sense, it's true. So why can everyone else be a responsibility, but you and your relationship gets the shaft when other things start popping? If a person chooses to be involved in a relationship, that automatically means that maintaining the relationship now ALSO joins the list of responsiblities on one's plate.

If he/she is unable to do that, then the relationship needs to end. Having an SO is not a right... if you can't prioritize a relationship, you don't need to be in one.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Women or men? I think that if the relationship were very communicative in the first place and there were issues they were dealing with on an even basis, then talking about it would be necessary and beneficial. But if a guy treats you like that...letting you go slowly, just get going. There's no need to talk with anybody about it. I think that women often try to hold on to the last bit of hope by talking it out as though they are going to hear the words they so desire and are completely missing the language of the guy. In this case, he's saying he needs to move on but she *might* be too clingy to listen to his actions.

Women.

I think you may have missed my point. Yes, the relationship was lacking in communication somewhere, but that is no excuse to continue to operate in the dark.

If what you are saying was reality, the OP wouldn't even be in this situation in the first place. I get that his actions indicate that it's time for her to go, but WHY was she still in the situation?

And regarding the last hope, re-read my post. I said that women hold on to that hope and it often manifests as cycles. I agree with you that it should be cut and dry but if it was, women would be out at the first sign of poor behavior.

All I'm saying is that women often let a man back in because they feel something about the situation is unresolved and that unresolved thing is sometimes the simple fact that they did not speak their peace. Leaving things unsaid is often the equivalent of leaving a door open in a relationship that's more than a year old.

 

[weaveologist]

Okay, my thoughts...

You've been together three years. Now, I don't know what your goal is/was for this relationship, but that's a long time without a permanent commitment. Now maybe you don't want that, and that's cool... but I guess what I'm wondering is this... if he's been able to be with you for three years without a commitment and you're acting in a wifey way, why should he change? You've shown that you'll accept being put on the back burner and so he runs with it. When you were doing that Rules test for a while, you noticed a change, but now that you seem to be back to Old Reliable, he's back to putting you very low on his priority list.

I don't necessary want the marriage commitment just yet. I don't want him to marry me, I just wanted romance on Christmas...lol...I'm still doing the Rules, which is why he has not talked to me since then...lol

What do you want from this man? Marriage? A committed relationship that isn't marriage, but that's close to that in general? Does he know this? Have you stated your expectations for this relationship? And if you have, if he doesn't follow them, you don't need to stick around.

We have/had a committed relationship. Like I said, never thought deep into the marriage thing because I, we, are still young. What I want from this man is to simply give me my time without having fifty million other things to do regarding his family who has adopted him as the husband they don't have to do husband things, i.e, mow grass, fix this, loan them money, etc.

Finally, while he (or any other man) maybe have outside obligations or responsibilities, a relationships is ALSO a responsibility. When you choose to involve yourself with someone, they also become a responsibility/obligation. I know that sounds unromantic, but in a general sense, it's true. So why can everyone else be a responsibility, but you and your relationship gets the shaft when other things start popping? If a person chooses to be involved in a relationship, that automatically means that maintaining the relationship now ALSO joins the list of responsiblities on one's plate.

True. But given his time restraints with his job, our relationship has to come second to daughter and mama. This is something that I attempt to understand. Any other day I would not expect him to chose me over daughter or mama or father and would be totally cool with him getting to me late though he may be tired because he shows EFFORT. But on Christmas?? No, I don't deserve that. At this point, I am just tired of being the understanding and patient one. When is it going to be about ME??

 

[hopeful]

He was wrong, wrong, wrong, he could keep his da** gift card and anything else he wanted to give me. Put me last and bet you will be last too.