I don't know where to start or how, but I need to get this out. I have only told 2 ppl so far since last night- my two really good friends back home. I didn't have the heart to tell my parents, I just said my bf was cheating. I have not been honest with the people here or myself until now.
My bf of a year told me he was bisexual last night.
Well he didn't say that but he said he enjoyed doing and participating in sexual acts with a "strong Black man".
I had always had some suspicions things were not right--not because of anything sexual, he never strayed from the norm but he was very open and I assumed it was b/c he's older. But I felt like he's not being honest about something. He had one friend who seems DL and other than that guy, his two other friends I met seemed fine.
We met in Dec 2007 and had been dating since Feb 2008. He pursued me. I wasn't really into him at first but he was funny, liked "Black" music like R&B and seemed to be honest. Any question I asked him, he answered. Nothin was off limits and he seemed open, but I had asked him on several occassions have you ever experimented with a man and he always said "no" and looked me like "There you go overthinking again."
Small stuff irked me, like a guy friend calling in the middle of the night. Him liking the play "RENT" or the artsy sexual pics I found (and lied here and said it was my friend) But he always had an explanation---well except for the last thing, the photos--he always said "My friend needs help with something Japanese" or I assumed he liked plays b/c he was cultured. And he loves Gospel music, he even sang in a Japanese gospel choir for a bit. He was horrible but I just think "People like what they like b/c they like it" I never thought he could be bi. Until last night.
I couldn't get the pictures deal out of my head. Even though I thought he could be honest or just plain ol narcissitic--I never thought my digging for info would turn this up. We were watching tv and talking about celebrity gossip and he asked what I wanted for my bday (coming up in March) and a clip of this Vegas tranny style show comes on the Jtv. Kinda like Rupaul is thingy and I said (in what I thought was jokingly, but maybe not) tone..."Ooh let's go to that and see the men with each other" He was quiet and then very serious. And then it kinda came out. He said he hadn't been honest about the past summer. (Past summer I had a preg.scare, he was super gentleman about it and told me he wanted us to be together forever)
I was so shocked thinking, it's his ex gf! I was very calm, listening and he literally said he had been with a male friend. YES. This man is Black. He is married. He maybe military, I don't know. But he is big and muscular and my bf said that made him feel comfortable.
He said he had always been curious and acted it on in the summer. They were in the bed and it just happened. And it felt "amazing". He said he was addicted like a smoker, but this man shared similar intrests as him. Gospel music, R&B, and etc. This man filled his missing space from his father, he said. But he said "It is sex only and I cannot love him".
When it came out, it came out. Seemed like I can ask anything and he would explain why he loved me and liked sex with him. Why he "tried to quit, but kept going back" He told this man about me, about us and said he loves me and wants to end, but they contintued until December he said. He told him finally in December he cannot see him anymore.
The worst part I told him is not that he has sex with men. No that I could get over. That I can never condemn someone for, but why did he lie to me? I felt I gave him so many chances to tell me and why now? After taking him home to my family and then he asking me to move in with him next month. Why now? He couldn't say. But he could say he didn't want to lose me, he wanted to be with me and have a family and WE CAN STILL MAKE IT WORK. He said.
We have two options:
1. Put this deceit in the back of our heart and never let it happen again.
2. "YOU (me) CAN CONTROL IT" meaning I guess I say if he can do something or I moniter his desires.
He added that "you can never make it the same, but I want you to learn and try." He compared it to smoking. If you want someone to quit smoking they try the patch or gum, and eventually ween off of cigarettes. But I added so many ppl fall back into that---and this cannot be compared to smoking.
I haven't eaten since yesterday. I feel sick. When he said that to me, I think I left my body. You know how you can get outside of your body and look at yourself. I couldn't move. I could just see myself and think "maybe this isn't real", but it is.
I sat there and listened mainly b/c I didn't have the strength to move. I didn't want to hit him or cut him, I couldn't do anything but think "how many other girls has he done this too?" And I listened b/c I want to know for the future. I needed to understand why.
He said he wanted to tell me so many times, but he knew "I was a nice girl" and would leave him. He knew I wouldn accept him like that.
I can't descibe how sick I felt.feel. I am so miserable. Not suicidal but just I feel stupid that this happened to me. This happens to people on tv not like me.
If this hadn't happened, I could see myself married maybe with a kid and discovering. The truth always comes out. But thankfully I'm glad it didn't get that far. I can't go into my bedroom b/c I have so many pictures he gave me of us, I can't update my blog, b/c he's on there--I can't stand to look at him. NOT BECAUSE HE IS BISEXUAL BUT BECAUSE HES A LIAR.
Today he called me at lunch and asked if I was ok. He tried to make the conversation about filing a japanese police report against my ex. But then he said he felt so much better to get it off his chest, but he felt bad for lying to me. He feels glad he can be completly honest with us now. He wanted to "make it up to me", what can he buy me he said? How can he prove he loves me and doesn't need that man? Can we make an agreement, can we still be together? Can we have a beautiful future like he had planned?
I know I'm in Japan but I want you women to know about this. I guess if something doesn't feel right, then something isn't right. Those artsy nude pics hit me wrong. More than anything else. They just sat wrong and stayed there and that's what it all stemmed from.
I have to talk to him face to face one more time. I have to get some stuff back from his apt. I need to know who the man is. And I need my bf to know that he can't do this to another girl in the furute. My heart hurts so much, because of being lied to. I think maybe for a second, if he had told me about his desires a long time ago, I could have listened--really tried to understand, but I cannot now. I cannot look at anything he bought me or pictures because I feel so sick. I feel stupid, disgusted, and just sad. I want him to be honest with who he is, not afraid of a label, and to never make any woman feel like I am now.
I was thinking should I go home or move? My ex-husband is also a problem, making my life in this area hard. My job has also been stressful and I have been overall homesick. But I feel like if leave, I'm doing it for the wrong reason. I am thinking of moving to a totally different part of Japan. But I don't know.
How do you move on?
I know I can never trust someone again? What have I done that I deserve this? Why is this all happening to me?
I hope this post doesn't get anyone in trouble here, but I had to get this out. I feel like a bus hit me hard. Like I feel it hard. And I can't really focus on anything, but I just wanted to let you all know and be honest.
