Dating & Sex: Should I cut things off now instead of later?

[Bunny77]

Why are you spending ALL DAY with him hanging out?

[/QUOTE]

Personally, I don't care what the term would be, but I think this is the bigger question. Why are you spending ALL DAY with this dude?

 

[Ramya]

In my opinion yes only if you were having sex. Do you think he would still hang with you if no sex was involved?


Why are you spending ALL DAY with him hanging out?

If I'm reading correctly you have only known him for a few weeks. Why are you putting so much of your time and heart into this? It sounds like you both are filling a void. He's using you and you're using him. Hun you need to leave him alone. He's content with the situation so long as you're sleeping with him. You JUST met him! You are not ready for a new relationship and certainly not with him. Go out and meet some new FRIENDS or reconnect with the old friends. In my opinion you are giving way too much of yourself to him.

 

[isawstars]

In response to the question "why are you spending all day with him?"

The previous weekends we spent the majority of the days together. We just click and get along really well. We hang out with his friends, he takes me out to eat, go to campus parties together... Even when I do leave early he acts all confused and asks when I'll be done doing my thing. When we spend that much time together, it doesn't mean we're having sex. We've only had sex twice, so it's not like we go at it all day.

After being off the market for so long... dating has become so foreign to me. Is it bad to spend all day with a guy? Even when he encourages it?

 

[Bunny77]

In response to the question "why are you spending all day with him?"

The previous weekends we spent the majority of the days together. We just click and get along really well. We hang out with his friends, he takes me out to eat, go to campus parties together... Even when I do leave early he acts all confused and asks when I'll be done doing my thing. When we spend that much time together, it doesn't mean we're having sex. We've only had sex twice, so it's not like we go at it all day.

After being off the market for so long... dating has become so foreign to me. Is it bad to spend all day with a guy? Even when he encourages it?

Okay... with what you said in your second paragraph... the reason folks are asking the question isn't completely about whether you're having sex with him or not. The point is that as a young woman in college who's getting over a long relationship, then jumped over to another dude as a rebound, the last thing you need to be doing is spending all of your time with yet another man.

He's not even your boyfriend (and I'd still say that spending your entire day with a BF is too much), and you are giving too much of your time and yourself to this person -- whether you are sleeping together or not -- and it's only making you more dependent on him. In this case (and in most cases), yes, it is bad to be spending all day with a man. Even married couples don't spend that much time together!

You need to refocus on you, on friends, on school, on activities... something other than jumping from man to man to man (and I don't mean that in terms of just sex). I don't care if he encourages your constant presence... you need to have a life outside of him so that you can have a healthier sense of self.

You're hurting and lonely, Dan is hurting and lonely, and as someone said, you all are in this weird situation where you're kinda using each other's company to avoid dealing with the fact that you've had major breakups and don't want to be alone. Both of you need some time to yourself. You can still be friends, but you need to make some space, seriously.

 

[hrtbndr21]

Looks like you're both using each other and it doesn't seem too healthy in the long run for either of you. This guy is getting the girlfriend experience from you w/ none of the commitment. On the other side you may be guilty of keeping this whole thing going to have that boyfriend type of affection in your life. You both need to fully process your break-ups. Once you're ok w/ just being single you then try and meet somebody.

There's nothing wrong w/ dating around, having a good time, seeing what's out there. Just don't get physical. Figure out what kind of person you are, some can detach from sex others can't. Do what you have to do to protect your heart.

 

[caligirl]

Yes absolutely cut him off and stop having sex with him. You should be concentrating on college not dating and casual sex

yep, there's nothing "casual" about sex these days. you need to be smart and be safe.

 

[isawstars]

Update

Wow, ladies... you all know A LOT about relationships. I had no idea how unhealthy this relationship is... I'm so glad I asked for advice. And well... Today was my first day not seeing him. I did not initiate any texts or call him. He texted me a few times today and I responded (after 30-120 minutes) because I do not want to be flat out rude. I figured I did a good job today backing down.

Don't yell at me for not ignoring his texts, lol. I'm still confused. I just feel like he deserves for me to at least talk to him about the situation... then the other part of me thinks that isn't necessary because it's not like i've known him very long. But we do share the same friends... and I go to a small school so I'll be running into him on campus until I graduate... So I don't want to cut things off looking like jerk.

 

[Bunny77]

Update

Wow, ladies... you all know A LOT about relationships. I had no idea how unhealthy this relationship is... I'm so glad I asked for advice. And well... Today was my first day not seeing him. I did not initiate any texts or call him. He texted me a few times today and I responded (after 30-120 minutes) because I do not want to be flat out rude. I figured I did a good job today backing down.

Don't yell at me for not ignoring his texts, lol. I'm still confused. I just feel like he deserves for me to at least talk to him about the situation... then the other part of me thinks that isn't necessary because it's not like i've known him very long. But we do share the same friends... and I go to a small school so I'll be running into him on campus until I graduate... So I don't want to cut things off looking like jerk.

Hey again!

I won't yell at you... actually, I don't think you did anything wrong by answering the text. Dan seems like he could be an okay guy, but both of you just need to scale it waaaaay down and keep it at a good platonic friend level, not a sex buddy/pseudo-boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. And as we said, even if you cut out the sex (which is highly recommended), don't constantly be up under him like you're in a relationship, when you're not.

Just keep it cool with him and cut back on your contact, hang out with other friends as well... even be ALONE sometime and that should make things less complicated.

 

[Bunny77]

Oh, one last thing... do NOT be surprised if Dan ends up going back to his ex, even if it isn't permanent. This happens ALL THE TIME... folks break up, and then they talk and decide to try it again. Especially if he was long term with her, he's not going to suddenly forget her existence.

And if that happens, wouldn't it suck to have been spending all this time with him and suddenly, poof, he's gone? Then what?

This is why you need to cut waaaay back on your interactions with him.

 

[GoingNatural]

sounds like you do want a relationship albeit without the title.

you're still new to the sex game. just because you lost your virginity doesn't mean you should start having sex all willy nilly now bc it's still special every time you give a man your body.

if you just need sex so badly buy a friend from a mvc store.

 

[GoingNatural]

In response to the question "why are you spending all day with him?"

The previous weekends we spent the majority of the days together. We just click and get along really well. We hang out with his friends, he takes me out to eat, go to campus parties together... Even when I do leave early he acts all confused and asks when I'll be done doing my thing. When we spend that much time together, it doesn't mean we're having sex. We've only had sex twice, so it's not like we go at it all day.

After being off the market for so long... dating has become so foreign to me. Is it bad to spend all day with a guy? Even when he encourages it?

You hang out with HIS friends....where are YOUR friends?

 

[Odontyouwish]

Ignore him, if he wants to act right...he will come around
but as for the casual sex...no ma'am. It's too risky nowadays

 

[jamaicalovely]

Like the other ladies said....let it go and concentrate on school. I went through that in college and regret it. I missed out on so much. Please just focus on your studies and leave old boy alone.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I agree. I'd cut things off with Dan completely.

It sounds like you're still rebounding after breaking up with the first guy, and this practice of jumping to different guys and sleeping with them so soon in the process is not healthy. I do understand that the attention is nice and that it feels good to have these guys do nice things for you and say things that make you feel good, but you can still be around men and not sleep with them. The fact that you're having sex with them and barely know them though is not a good look at all -- please don't fall in to the trap that happens to a number of women after they lose their virginity... just because you're no longer with your "first" doesn't mean that you can't still be selective about your partners. You don't need to sleep with every man who's nice to you or gives you butterflies.

That's why I think you need to just make a clean break from Dan. He's rebounding, you're rebounding and this is all turning into a big mess. Take time to heal from your first relationship (and the other one) and don't keep complicating this by adding more men and more issues to the mix.

Have "fun" in ways that don't involve sex.

Say WORD!!!! I had to find this out the hard way when I was 21, 22 years old.

 

[DayStar]

cut sex out the relationship...its so much easier to walk away when it is not a part of the foundation