I need to get this off my heart

This is all too much.

When this is over, several years from now, Girl, you should write a novel.
It would be a bestseller.
 
I am sooo sorry it had to go down this way for you. All things aside, he lied. Even though the fact that he has sexual tendencies toward men, the reality is that he lied and cheated on you. If it were with a woman, it probably would be easier to let him go and move on. I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that if it were me, for all the reasons you listed, I would begin a job search closer to home and try to move back closer to family and friends. Pray on it for strength. You can't change him or the whole situation, at this point the only thing you can do is change your heart by trusting in God to fill whatever void there is from such a tragedy in your relationship.
 
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't even imagine it.

There is no such thing as a bisexual man. Either a man prefers women or he prefers men and in this case he's admittedly a homosexual....and a liar.
 
Count your blessings...you didn't marry him and get too deep. You're very blessed that this came out when it did. There is someone out there for you who can give you what he can't...honesty and devotion 100%. Keep your head up.
 
noemi said:
OMG!!!!!!!!! :bighug:


OP, I am so sorry. That is one of the worst things I can imagine. But right now I think the best thing you can do is get away. I would come home and get myself together. Being around people that really love you and want whats best for you is what you need. If you were my daughter I'd want you home. ASAP.

He is a LIAR!! He has sexual tendencies that you CAN'T fulfill. If someone that "loves" you lies about something, I don't care how little, or in this case how LARGE, that is a REDflag that you MUST take heed to. I know its hard and I know its real raw right now, but try to take time away from whatever you need to and get your mind straight. This man DOES NOT LOVE YOU! HE HAS NO CONSIDERATION FOR YOU, YOUR HEALTH. You already said you had suspicions. You were told in plain words that what you suspected was true. You need nothing else from him. He gave you the truth and now its up to you to do the right thing. Believe one thing, if it happens once it can happen again.

I'm praying for you.
Click to expand...

I am praying for you too. I am so sorry you had to go through this. This is terribly sad.

But, I am so glad that he told you before you went off and got married and had children. Even if he has feelings for you, it's not love. If he loved you, he would have told you that he was attracted before your feelings were so strong for him. He said that he experimented before and liked it. That means that he knew he was into guys a long time ago. He should have never pursued you.

And there's no way that he's gonna be able to suppress those desires. Why would you want him to? Let him be himself....by himself!!! He want a man, let him have him. I'm sorry, but I would feel betrayed that he lied and cheated, but I think it's worst when it's with a man. Though any kind of cheating is dangerous, but I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

I pray that you get through this, and leave this guy alone!! Please go be with family if you can. They will be there for you.
 
Last night was valentines and I wrote him a long letter detailing how I felt and everything. I took down all the pictures. I packed all his clothes. I even got the scrapbook and cards he gave me and I put it all in 3 huge shopping bags. Then I go dressed. I asked him to come to the place we had our first date. I dropped the bags off early and told the waiter if I ask for dessert at the end of the night bring them. Then I met him at the station. He acted like everything was ok. He said that was being so mature about this. But he still wouldn't answer my questions. He said it's not important. It has no meaning now. We should put it behind us. As I sat there I thought he's not capable of telling the truth to himself or anyone. So after we finished I asked the waiter for the bags. My ex got excited because he thought it was a present. I said you cannot be honest. I thought I could get closure with the answers I needed but you are so selfish that you can't even give me that. And I gave him his stuff. He knew exactly what it was and started crying saying he would tell me the truth now and answer all my questions but I just said dont do this to another girl again. Don't lie to yourself anymore.
And ladies l I felt a lot better.
I could have torn up his apt. Outted him at his job or to his family. But I told him I'm not filled with hatred. I'm filled with sadness for his lying to me and himself.

The only thing weighing on my
 
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yokoyokogirl said:
Last night was valentines and I wrote him a long letter detailing how I felt and everything. I took down all the pictures. I packed all his clothes. I even got the scrapbook and cards he gave me and I put it all in 3 huge shopping bags. Then I go dressed. I asked him to come to the place we had our first date. I dropped the bags off early and told the waiter if I ask for dessert at the end of the night bring them. Then I met him at the station. He acted like everything was ok. He said that was being so mature about this. But he still wouldn't answer my questions. He said it's not important. It has no meaning now. We should put it behind us. As I sat there I thought he's not capable of telling the truth to himself or anyone. So after we finished I asked the waiter for the bags. My ex got excited because he thought it was a present. I said you cannot be honest. I thought I could get closure with the answers I needed but you are so selfish that you can't even give me that. And I gave him his stuff. He knew exactly what it was and started crying saying he would tell me the truth now and answer all my questions but I just said dont do this to another girl again. Don't lie to yourself anymore.
And ladies l I felt a lot better.
I could have torn up his apt. Outted him at his job or to his family. But I told him I'm not filled with hatred. I'm filled with sadness for his lying to me and himself.

The only thing weighing on my
Click to expand...

Wow, you are a lot stronger than most. I think you handled this very well and Im sorry your going and went through this.
 
It sounds like he was just too sure he could keep you, as if your love for him trumped his need to be honest. I'm glad you stayed strong and showed him differently.
 
redRiot said:
Count your blessings...you didn't marry him and get too deep. You're very blessed that this came out when it did. There is someone out there for you who can give you what he can't...honesty and devotion 100%. Keep your head up.
Click to expand...

This is so true. Sometimes God has to pull the covers off of things (and people) and forcibly remove them from our lives because we don't always follow our gut. This may hurt for now, but its better to know in the end. It will work out.
 
The only thing bothering me now is getting tested next week. Even though I think we were pretty careful I'm still worried about possible diseases. As with anyone cheating that is the biggest fear is catching diseases.
 
yokoyokogirl said:
The only thing bothering me now is getting tested next week. Even though I think we were pretty careful I'm still worried about possible diseases. As with anyone cheating that is the biggest fear is catching diseases.
Click to expand...


I too am sorry this happened to you. I know how you feel, and I hope the results of your tests will turn out to be negative.

You seem to be going on a positive track now. I hope it leads you to more trustworthy and honest people and places.
 
I am so sorry this has happened,as it is possible for this to happen to any woman out here. It really is a sad, sad, story. I wish you the best, and will pray for you!
 
yokoyokogirl said:
The only thing bothering me now is getting tested next week. Even though I think we were pretty careful I'm still worried about possible diseases. As with anyone cheating that is the biggest fear is catching diseases.
Click to expand...

It's hard but it's the safest thing to do.
 
I'm going to focus on my goals now, which were something I put on a backburner while being with him.

Amen to that. Sending Peace and Love your way.
 
yokoyokogirl said:
Last night was valentines and I wrote him a long letter detailing how I felt and everything. I took down all the pictures. I packed all his clothes. I even got the scrapbook and cards he gave me and I put it all in 3 huge shopping bags. Then I go dressed. I asked him to come to the place we had our first date. I dropped the bags off early and told the waiter if I ask for dessert at the end of the night bring them. Then I met him at the station. He acted like everything was ok. He said that was being so mature about this. But he still wouldn't answer my questions. He said it's not important. It has no meaning now. We should put it behind us. As I sat there I thought he's not capable of telling the truth to himself or anyone. So after we finished I asked the waiter for the bags. My ex got excited because he thought it was a present. I said you cannot be honest. I thought I could get closure with the answers I needed but you are so selfish that you can't even give me that. And I gave him his stuff. He knew exactly what it was and started crying saying he would tell me the truth now and answer all my questions but I just said dont do this to another girl again. Don't lie to yourself anymore.
And ladies l I felt a lot better.
I could have torn up his apt. Outted him at his job or to his family. But I told him I'm not filled with hatred. I'm filled with sadness for his lying to me and himself.

The only thing weighing on my
Click to expand...

I'm tearing up over here reading this Yoko. You are so strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Get tested and do whatever you need to do to have closure even though he wouldnt answer your questions/concerns. You're doing the right thing.
 
(((hugs))) You'll find your prince someday. God has got better things in store for you. It WILL be ok. I dont think you should continue on with the relationship. That was a BIG lie. I cant see yall coming back from that.
 
yokoyokogirl said:
I appreciate all of your kind words. I would hit the "thanks" button many times for all you but I'm so tired.

I WILL NOT go back to him. Don't worry.

I made him think so, so I could hear his story. I'm sure he thought he can "keep" me, but I just played along to be compassionate to understand why.

I had two questions for him tonite:

1. What is his name, who is he?

*He is a gospel preacher in the air force in Tokyo, with a wife in America. My bf said he "quit" messing with him this Dec. b/c he "Black man" wanted a relationship. And my bf "T" said "I cannot have a relationship with a man, just fun"

He also added many Black men he met in Tokyo came here on Gospel music tours are involved in Gospel music also. He said Hezekia Walker is gay and he knows from this "Black preacher man" in tokyo.

**In a way, I want to go to that base to that man's church and take his picture. I want to let his wife know or post his photo. What if she has no clue? Maybe she knows but I think this man is preaching God's word and lying to himself and the world. Just lying all up in the church.


2. Have you lied to girls before like me?

**No. That was all he said. He said I'm the first he told.
I can't believe it, but it doesn't matter.

He asked me again, if I allow him to live his life like this, he will do it in front of me or in the next room. We can make it work. He said he doesn't want to lose me. Please he said, let me buy you some jewerly some LV bag.

ARE YOU NUTS?? I couldn't say it but it's all I can think.

All I could say is please meet me to return my house key and items from your apt. this weekend.

I honestly don't care about his sexual interest. I don't care about him having sex with men. It kinda interest me, making me want to understand how this happens--how ppl live life of lies. But I don't want to be a part of the research.

Anyways I cannot share a man with anyone other than a child--no other girl no other man--and I cannot deal with lies and lies and lies. I refuse.

Thank you for all the advice, I appreciate it so much. I really do.

I was tested back in August, but I will get tested again this week. That is my biggest concern as he has been cheating all along.
Click to expand...


Are you SERIOUS!?!? :eek: He's a married PREACHER acting like this? :eek: Talk about hypocricy at its finest! :nono: That man should be ashamed of himself! :naughty:

Poor thing, I'm glad you're making the right decision in leaving this man. I think your ex bf just wants to keep you around for a "beard". No offense. :( Please...leave this man. You can do sooo much better. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true. He's lying to himself. I don't see how a man can like having sex with other men, but be "in love" with women. I just don't get it. :nono:

No offense, but I don't know too many "bi" men. Personally, I think the "bi" reference is just a cover up. This man is GAY. But in the black community it's not as accepted as it is in the white community (I suppose), so a lot of black men become what they call "DL brothers". :rolleyes:

Anyway, no matter what he is, just pick up your pieces and go back home to people who love and care for you. :yep: At least you found out now instead of later.
 
LisaLisa1908 said:
Yoko, how are you today?

*sending you love and light*
Click to expand...

Thank you.

I haven't cried in two days which is good. I was getting a little sad thinking about the past, like when we went on a trip or did something--but now I stop myself and think "Oh he probably did that because he felt bad about sleeping with another man" It's harsh, but it works. I keep thinking that I cannot trust men and seems like everyone has a secret. But I guess that will pass with time.

He still hasn't returned my housekey (I asked him to mail it back), because he said "he wants to give me some thinking time". Apparently he didn't understand how I felt when I returned all of his stuff on Valentines, so I asked the company to rekey my apt.

I just got a call back for an interview at a new job near Tokyo, so I'm going to see how that goes. I moved to this city in Japan because of my ex-husband and after that I figured I'd stay a bit longer because of my job. But I want another change and Tokyo seems a bit more interesting. I'm really going to focus on me, improving my Japanese and traveling more before I have to go home.

I've been really strong only because of all the advice and kind words from ladies here, honestly without that I probably would have seriously broke down by now.
 
yokoyokogirl said:
Thank you.

I haven't cried in two days which is good. I was getting a little sad thinking about the past, like when we went on a trip or did something--but now I stop myself and think "Oh he probably did that because he felt bad about sleeping with another man" It's harsh, but it works. I keep thinking that I cannot trust men and seems like everyone has a secret. But I guess that will pass with time.

He still hasn't returned my housekey (I asked him to mail it back), because he said "he wants to give me some thinking time". Apparently he didn't understand how I felt when I returned all of his stuff on Valentines, so I asked the company to rekey my apt.

I just got a call back for an interview at a new job near Tokyo, so I'm going to see how that goes. I moved to this city in Japan because of my ex-husband and after that I figured I'd stay a bit longer because of my job. But I want another change and Tokyo seems a bit more interesting. I'm really going to focus on me, improving my Japanese and traveling more before I have to go home.

I've been really strong only because of all the advice and kind words from ladies here, honestly without that I probably would have seriously broke down by now.
Click to expand...
Yoko, your strength has NOTHING to do with us. This effed up situation just brought out the strength that was already in you!!!! You have shown what a classy, strong, smart woman you are!!!!! We are here for you if you need us!
:bighug:
 
yokoyokogirl said:
Thank you.

I haven't cried in two days which is good. I was getting a little sad thinking about the past, like when we went on a trip or did something--but now I stop myself and think "Oh he probably did that because he felt bad about sleeping with another man" It's harsh, but it works. I keep thinking that I cannot trust men and seems like everyone has a secret. But I guess that will pass with time.

He still hasn't returned my housekey (I asked him to mail it back), because he said "he wants to give me some thinking time". Apparently he didn't understand how I felt when I returned all of his stuff on Valentines, so I asked the company to rekey my apt.

I just got a call back for an interview at a new job near Tokyo, so I'm going to see how that goes. I moved to this city in Japan because of my ex-husband and after that I figured I'd stay a bit longer because of my job. But I want another change and Tokyo seems a bit more interesting. I'm really going to focus on me, improving my Japanese and traveling more before I have to go home.

I've been really strong only because of all the advice and kind words from ladies here, honestly without that I probably would have seriously broke down by now.
Click to expand...

Good on you girl I see your going from strength to strength keep it up...
 
yokoyokogirl said:
My BFF said I was "not thinking clearly" to put my life out there for everyone to read, but I feel so much better. I just felt like I had to let ppl know about this.

I appreciate all of your kind words and assurances, but I NOT going back to him. I don't want a LB bag or anything else from him. Just to be left alone. And I hope he never does this to another woman again.

That's all.

Thanks again.
Click to expand...

yokoyokogirl by putting this out on here you could actually be helping someone else hun...:yep:
 
crlsweetie912 said:
Yoko, your strength has NOTHING to do with us. This effed up situation just brought out the strength that was already in you!!!! You have shown what a classy, strong, smart woman you are!!!!! We are here for you if you need us!
:bighug:
Click to expand...

I totally and completely agree, Crls. Yoko, your strength kicked in as soon as you forced him to fess up about his indiscretions - the lying, the cheating. He is so blind to the essence of who he really is that it's shocking. :nono: The mere fact that he has the audacity to give you "thinking time," as if time will dull the memories, is something that I simply cannot fathom. I said it before and I'll keep saying it again, as long as you need to hear it: I truly admire your honesty and your strength. I don't know what God will bring about in your life as a result of this situation, but I firmly believe that it will be something great - not just with a relationship, but in terms of the character growth that you'll be sure to undergo.

:bighug::bighug: We are here for you. :yep:
 
Just sending some love your way- your have stayed on my mind. Sounds like a move would do you some good. Good job on changing those locks. Stay encouraged.
 
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