I Don’t Date Men With Kids

[caribeandiva]

That’s my preference when it comes to dating. I have my reasons but it really doesn’t matter because at the end of the day I know what I can and can’t live with. A couple of friends are telling me that I’m asking for too much and need to lower my standards. They say it’s unrealistic because most men my age (34) have at least one child. I told them I don’t care. There’s always younger men. I don’t think I’m asking for too much. I’m quite a catch (if I say so myself) and managed to make it to this point with no baby daddy or ex-husband. I’m a unicorn and yet I exist! I’m sure I can find at least ONE man out there who’ll fit the criteria. Am I being unrealistic?

 

[Mane Event]

That’s my preference when it comes to dating. I have my reasons but it really doesn’t matter because at the end of the day I know what I can and can’t live with. A couple of friends are telling me that I’m asking for too much and need to lower my standards. They say it’s unrealistic because most men my age (34) have at least one child. I told them I don’t care. There’s always younger men. I don’t think I’m asking for too much. I’m quite a catch (if I say so myself) and managed to make it to this point with no baby daddy or ex-husband. I’m a unicorn and yet I exist! I’m sure I can find at least ONE man out there who’ll fit the criteria. Am I being unrealistic?

I do agree that it may be a bit more challenging to find someone your age without kids. We are in the same age group and I don't know any man who is childless (perhaps a few 32-33 years olds)

However, I don't think that you should budge. You feel this way for a reason and sounds like you have enough self-awareness to know what you can and can't handle. Stick to it!

 

[mrselle]

You are narrowing your dating pool, but no one knows your limits better than you do. That said, I know four men who have never been married and have no kids. They're all heterosexual, mid to late 40s, have decent careers, and are homeowners. They do exist.

 

[natural in ATL]

That’s my preference when it comes to dating. I have my reasons but it really doesn’t matter because at the end of the day I know what I can and can’t live with. A couple of friends are telling me that I’m asking for too much and need to lower my standards. They say it’s unrealistic because most men my age (34) have at least one child. I told them I don’t care. There’s always younger men. I don’t think I’m asking for too much. I’m quite a catch (if I say so myself) and managed to make it to this point with no baby daddy or ex-husband. I’m a unicorn and yet I exist! I’m sure I can find at least ONE man out there who’ll fit the criteria. Am I being unrealistic?

Don’t listen to your friends. I had the same mindset at about the same age as you. I met my DH soon after - and he had no kids. Just focus on your standards and don’t worry about what others say.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I never seriously dated anyone with children. I didn’t want children of my own and didn’t want to deal with someone else’s kids or the mothers of the children. I always felt that finding out a man was a father was a turn off. Of course, since I’m now 49, having that requirement would be silly.

 

[hopeful]

That’s part of the “package” that is important to YOU. You get to decide what you want and don’t want. Stand your ground. You are only 34, not 54. You aren’t asking for very much at all. People are silly.

 

[NaturalEnigma]

I don’t think you’re narrowing your dating pool there are plenty of men out there that are single, without kids and in their mid 30’s. I think when you get up to 40 that might be a challenge, but I don’t think you’ll have to wait that long, based on your positive attitude and confidence it seems like you know what you want and you value and honer yourself so the universe has no choice but to meet you at your level and provide you with a man that meets your standards and is vibrating at that same positive frequency. I’d say stick to your values and preferences when we start lowering them we also start compromising other important things.

 

[caribeandiva]

However, I don't think that you should budge. You feel this way for a reason and sounds like you have enough self-awareness to know what you can and can't handle. Stick to it!

Thank you!! I will

 

[caribeandiva]

You are narrowing your dating pool, but no one knows your limits better than you do. That said, I know four men who have never been married and have no kids. They're all heterosexual, mid to late 40s, have decent careers, and are homeowners. They do exist.

That’s what I’m talking about! I’m ok with narrowing my dating pool if I get a man who doesn’t have kids yet! it’s a risk I’m willing to take! And it really doesn’t matter whether I narrow my dating pool or not. If my God can raise people from the dead and make blind people see then He can surely bring me my dream man who doesn’t have kids yet!

 

[caribeandiva]

I never seriously dated anyone with children. I didn’t want children of my own and didn’t want to deal with someone else’s kids or the mothers of the children. I always felt that finding out a man was a father was a turn off. Of course, since I’m now 49, having that requirement would be silly.

Total turn off for me too.!!

 

[caribeandiva]

That’s part of the “package” that is important to YOU. You get to decide what you want and don’t want. Stand your ground. You are only 34, not 54. You aren’t asking for very much at all. People are silly.

That’s exactly what I said! I’m 34 not 54! My friend is a single mom in her very early 40s. Maybe she’s afraid no one will want her cuz she has kids and is projecting her fears and insecurities onto me.

 

[lesedi]

I actually think there are more childless men in their 30s than ever. I don't think you should budge because people should only become stepparents if they really want to.

I'm open to it, but not if the kids are too young or too old lol.

 

[caribeandiva]

I don’t think you’re narrowing your dating pool there are plenty of men out there that are single, without kids and in their mid 30’s. I think when you get up to 40 that might be a challenge, but I don’t think you’ll have to wait that long, based on your positive attitude and confidence it seems like you know what you want and you value and honer yourself so the universe has no choice but to meet you at your level and provide you with a man that meets your standards and is vibrating at that same positive frequency. I’d say stick to your values and preferences when we start lowering them we also start compromising other important things.

Great post!! Thank you! I work hard to maintain a positive attitude. You attract what you are so I take it very seriously. I believe it too that The universe bends to my will and will do whatever I ask of it. I’m excited!!

 

[CarmelCupcake]

Girl, stand your ground. I dated a man, who had a child, and I remember being depressed at times till the day after she would leave. Life is too short to not get what your heart desires. If you worked hard to avoid having children until you were ready, stand your ground. Best believe a man who doesn't want a woman with children will hold his ground and get what he wants.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I bet men would lose their minds if more women publicly admitted this Negroes rack up kids early and often. Every woman doesn't want to deal with it, especially with multiple mothers.

 

[caribeandiva]

I bet men would lose their minds if more women publicly admitted this Negroes rack up kids early and often. Every woman doesn't want to deal with it, especially with multiple mothers.

Omg that’s the worse!! I met this sexy Latino during NYE a few years back. He wanted to be friends with benefits. When I found out that he had 3 kids with 2 different women he didn’t marry I ran for the hills! I might’ve been next!

 

[sgold04]

I typically don’t date men with kids either and it hasn’t been an obstacle as far as options. I do tend to date a tad younger so that could be why. In TX most men my age or a little older are married.

 

[caribeandiva]

I typically don’t date men with kids either and it hasn’t been an obstacle as far as options. I do tend to date a tad younger so that could be why. In TX most men my age or a little older are married.

Ain’t nothing wrong with younger. I’m totally open to that.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Millennials aren't having children in the numbers previous generations did so you straight. I don't date men with children either and I'm a couple years younger than you. I've never had a problem. Stick to what you want.

Omg that’s the worse!! I met this sexy Latino during NYE a few years back. He wanted to be friends with benefits. When I found out that he had 3 kids with 2 different women he didn’t marry I ran for the hills! I might’ve been next!

That happened to me at my friend's wedding. I was a bridesmaid and had fun with one of the groomsmen and he was Latino. He wanted to date but I felt like he was hiding something. I find out on IG he has 2 children.

 

[intellectualuva]

I bet men would lose their minds if more women publicly admitted this Negroes rack up kids early and often. Every woman doesn't want to deal with it, especially with multiple mothers.

They would. I was hanging with with my childless male cousins and their friends when I said I preferred men without kids and their friends were like....what's wrong with men with kids. I don't want kids, but would be a step mom under the right circumstances....maybe

I was like my ex was an excellent father and no shade after him I look at some of these dads like . I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who is a crappy part time dad....especially one sitting around complaining about child support. And frankly I find so few of these dudes of all races to be good fathers. I said it seems easier to choose men without kids. I mentally reduce points when men have kid(s).

It was a bunch of blah blah push back til one of my childless cousins said we (childless men in their 30s/40s) exist and don't feel pressured to date these dudes who lack condom control or a decent pullout game.

Even on forums where these dudes have kids with multiple women (yet interestingly are anti single mom) still expect childless women to happily date them.

 

[fluffyforever]

I found a 34 yr old with no kids and never married. He has a lot of friends also with no kids and never married. They exist. Don't let them make you settle for what you don't want.

I couldn't date a man with kids at this point in my life so I totally understand. That is a package situation that goes from 0-60 very quickly. You don't even have the 9 months to come to terms with the situation. I would feel bad taking time away from him and his kids to schedule alone time for us. If I can't date a man on my schedule and have to see him every other weekend around his kids, that's not enough time for me.

And then there's the fact that you potentially have ex-gf or ex-wife drama because obviously their relationship soured.

Then there's seeing him raise his kids and having to keep your mouth shut over things you might disagree with because that's not your responsibility or your kids.

Then there is something off to me about a man that has kids that he doesn't live with. Whether that's poor planning, poor girlfriend or lifestyle choices, or a certain mindset... it doesn't show me he is good at making decisions that are compatible with my lifestyle and desires.

 

[TinyBlu]

There's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with wanting what you want. I feel the same way and have been told the same (and even judged for my preferences) by well meaning "daters and maters".

Why is it OK for our "fairer skinned" counterparts to have this stipulation, but women of color need to just accept a man of a certain age with kids as the norm? I equate a man in my age bracket (40's) with no children as sexually responsible and disciplined. Knowing that I don't want kids of my own makes it easy for me to wait for what's right for ME (that and not wanting baby mama drama, etc.)

You have the right energy and attitude. Wanting a man without children isn't a tall order. Keep sending out that positive energy and set your intentions, and he will come.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

They would. I was hanging with with my childless male cousins and their friends when I said I preferred men without kids and their friends were like....what's wrong with men with kids. I don't want kids, but would be a step mom under the right circumstances....maybe

I was like my ex was an excellent father and no shade after him I look at some of these dads like . I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who is a crappy part time dad....especially one sitting around complaining about child support. And frankly I find so few of these dudes of all races to be good fathers. I said it seems easier to choose men without kids. I mentally reduce points when men have kid(s).

It was a bunch of blah blah push back til one of my childless cousins said we (childless men in their 30s/40s) exist and don't feel pressured to date these dudes who lack condom control or a decent pullout game.

Even on forums where these dudes have kids with multiple women (yet interestingly are anti single mom) still expect childless women to happily date them.

Hit dogs, lol. It's so hypocritical. And your cousin is hilarious! That's really what it boils down to. Dudes be acting like they can't possibly understand how chicks end up pregnant.

 

[ms-gg]

Nope. I don't want a man with kids either. It's my personal preference and the men I've dated don't have kids. I want us to have our firsts together. Nothing wrong with that

 

[shasha8685]

I dated a man with kids...and found out very quickly that I was very low on his priority list. That's not how I love or want to be loved.

So I totally get your position....

 

[caribeandiva]

It was a bunch of blah blah push back til one of my childless cousins said we (childless men in their 30s/40s) exist and don't feel pressured to date these dudes who lack condom control or a decent pullout game.

 

[sarumoki]

Until my current bf it was a deal breaker for me, and it was one of the reasons I turned him down at first. I'm happy with my relationship but if we ever break up I don't think I'd ever do it again.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I said it seems easier to choose men without kids. I mentally reduce points when men have kid(s).

It was a bunch of blah blah push back til one of my childless cousins said we (childless men in their 30s/40s) exist and don't feel pressured to date these dudes who lack condom control or a decent pullout game.

Blue: Yep. The man I'm currently dating tried to have a child with his ex-gf years ago but she kept miscarrying. I'm glad he told me this over the phone because I gave him the hugest side eye. I discussed it with him when we met up for a date and told him my expectations for having children. We met online so if he said he had children in his profile, I would've ignored his message and kept it moving.

to the bolded.

 

[caribeandiva]

I found a 34 yr old with no kids and never married. He has a lot of friends also with no kids and never married. They exist. Don't let them make you settle for what you don't want.

I couldn't date a man with kids at this point in my life so I totally understand. That is a package situation that goes from 0-60 very quickly. You don't even have the 9 months to come to terms with the situation. I would feel bad taking time away from him and his kids to schedule alone time for us. If I can't date a man on my schedule and have to see him every other weekend around his kids, that's not enough time for me.

And then there's the fact that you potentially have ex-gf or ex-wife drama because obviously their relationship soured.

Then there's seeing him raise his kids and having to keep your mouth shut over things you might disagree with because that's not your responsibility or your kids.

Then there is something off to me about a man that has kids that he doesn't live with. Whether that's poor planning, poor girlfriend or lifestyle choices, or a certain mindset... it doesn't show me he is good at making decisions that are compatible with my lifestyle and desires.

EXACTLY!!! Everything you’ve listed is why I don’t want a man with kids! Unnecessary drama that I can easily avoid by finding a childless man. Plus to me dating a man with kids is lose-lose. If he’s a great father then he won’t have much time to see you because it’s all about the kids (as it should be). Even if he has full custody and they live with him then you gotta share attention and zip your lips when they do something wrong (hey you ain’t my mama!!). If he’s a crappy father then he has all the time in the world to date you but he’s neglecting his kids, which make him a crappy man and that’s a complete turn-off. Lose-lose. Oh and I don’t like sharing. If he’s got kids you’ll never really have his complete and undivided attention or his money. Nah brah. And I haven’t even touched on baby mama drama yet! Lose-lose-lose-lose

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I get the anecdotes that child free, marriage appropriate, men in their 30's and 40's exist but existing doesn't make the clusters that are here and there common or easy to find. And quite frankly, a lot of dudes ain't above hiding kids. The average age of new fathers in the U.S. is 31. Asian men have the highest average first time father age at 36. White, Hispanic and Black men become first time fathers at a median age of 29, 27 and 25 respectively.

It is not impossible to find a child free, marriage appropriate man in your 30's to marry but make no mistake, you are limiting your dating pool. That said, Lordt knows I understand not wanting to have to deal with all that but I think you gotta have a strategy to snag a black husband without kids the further you move past 30 even if you date younger. Maybe reaching out for tips from women who have pulled it off may be helpful. I'm emphasizing seeking advice from women who have actually married child free black men in their mid to late 30's/40's not those who say they know somebody who did.