How Long is Too Long?

[HiBeautiful420]

I think people should take more time when they are bringing a child from a previous relationship into a relationship.

BUT, I don't see why people SHOULD live together before marriage. Spending a year living together before taking a year to PLAN a wedding? Doesn't make sense to me.

Not to be totally offensive, but suggesting when people should marry when you have a child, are living with a man, have been together for 5 years and have no immediate plans for marriage, IMO...suggests that perhaps you need not be the one suggesting when people should marry and what is "too soon" for a legal union to take place.

i have a friend that has been married three times and has 5 kids with 3 babies daddies. All im saying if people take the time to REALLY get to know each other before getting married, maybe more people would STAY MARRIED!

Also my boyfriend and I have family on the east cost, west coast, and down south. Im christian and he is jewish. our wedding would take at least a year to plan. We want to make sure both our families can make it from where ever they have to travel from. We also want to combine both of our religions into the wedding. You cant plan the wedding i plan to have in two weeks. We have also taken the time these past years to get our credit together and save money for when we get married and to put a downpayment the home we plan to buy together. we know each other inside and out when we get married it will be till death do us part.

I believe meting a man, introducing him to your child and planning a wedding for a big family should take longer than a year. i was just giving my opinion. People are getting married like its a hobbie. The divorce rate right now it out of control!

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Love this thread as there are some real good tips in here. I don't have anything to add.

as for me though because i have children i am very cautious with relationships.

Men do know if they want to marry or even really want to be in a relationship with you. nothing..nothing...will keep a man away if he is interested.

imma stick with 6 months.

 

[Denise11]

I wasted 5 years with my ex, and Im I'm 44 years old.

 

[msa]

I think people know pretty early on whether or not they want to get married. For me, if you don't know after a year then I'm moving on. But, I do feel that I have to know the person (and their family) for some time before I actually get married. I'd wait for a year, at the most, to get married after the engagement.

All in all, I'm only spending 2 years on any one person. I figure, I can get a Master's degree in 2 years so I should be well able to commit to another person in that amount of time as well.

 

[hopeful]

I wasted 5 years with my ex, and Im I'm 44 years old.

((((Hugs)))) I'm sorry things didn't work out for you and your ex.

 

[tilati]

I was about to come in and say 12"

Two years without a solid commitment is way overdue imo.

 

[Britt]

I am in def agreement with you ladies on this topic... ask me this a few years ago and I woulda thought 6mon-1 yr was too short of a time.

At 27, I def see no point in dating someone for years (late 20s) w/o the relationship heading towards marriage. Yes, it takes time to know a person and while 6 months does seem like a short time I think that's enough time to see some red flags and at least have an idea of the type of person you are dealing with. People usually show thier arse's pretty quickly.. within the first 3 months at least it's just that we choose to ignore certain things.

So far, for me, 6 months seems like a short amount of time, but it's damn sure enough time for me to even know if I want to continue on with someone. If by month 6 I'm not really feeling where things are going with boo, then I'll drop him. I've wasted more than enough time of my 20s in a shyteous relationship, and I made that pretty clear to him.. that Brittster isn't getting any younger and not to waste my damn time. I will say, as time passes I def see more of his ways... so 6 months might be too short of a time for *me* to accept a marriage proposal. But I can def see how it might work for others, I genuinely think some people just know their SO will be their spouse fairly early on.

 

[Zaynab]

And live on what, our Stafford loans?

I do agree with the point though. Marriage intentions can at least be stated, even if it's going to take a minute to actually follow through.

Uh yeah why you're laughing they will, that is if you want that, if you don't, then you 'wait it' it out. I know plenty of folks, especially white that got married, broke in graduate school, one worked, the other went to school, etc. It's those early years I think that can band a relationship and marriage together if you know what that the 'long haul' should be applied sparingly and with good judgement that the person was worth it from the get-g0...............I had the good job, dh was in school, borderline broke, working FT, I married that idiot though

I know this is off-topic but I sorta hate that people don't do that anymore, the marriages you see that are strong NOW, are the ones that had that 'stickwith us/we' mentality, the ones that I see are me/ I went to school first, I bought this house, first...IDK....it's just different *shrugs*

 

[Zaynab]

a year is not enough time for me either! I have a son and im sorry but i will not make a man the step father to my son after just one year! How many relationships do you see end after the 2 or 3 year marks? I refuse to have men in and out of my life or my sons life because i rushed into things. I think a couple should date for at least 6mts to a year before even moving in with each other. Then i believe you should live with the other person for at least a year before you get married. Then take another year to plan the wedding. when i get married its for life. I want to get it right the first time. I have been with my current boyfriend for 5 years. We are very happy. We will get married when WE are ready. right now money is tight and planning a wedding is just tooo much money for us. I dont think its smart to try and force a decision of marriage out of someone before they are ready. Dont put a timeline on your future.

I actually think having a child would make me have an even more serious goal of dating a person with the intent to get married. Like dating up front with the idea that's its a package deal.....I hear what you are saying but I just think that when you have kids, you don't have time to play or to bring different people around them so when they do meet the man, you and he already are "on that level" and progressng towards marriage.

I have to disagree with living with someone first, especially WITh a child, I think it sets a bad example for the child.

 

[foxxymami]

Technically, when me and my FH first met, after a month of dating each other he told me "You're going to be the last first woman in my life". After 1.5 years he grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and softly said "foxxymami you are GOING to be my wife". He proposed at the 3 year mark. We met in college so graduating and getting situated in our careers played a part in how long it took him to propose marriage. However, his intentions were always made known to me

 

[Renewed1]

I totally agree. I dated a guy for over 10 years off and on in my 20s and when I finally had enough. He was ready for marriage. WHATEVA!! He's still bothering me to this day.

Exactly! That's what happened when I finally got sense enough to end it with the guy of 2 1/2 years. He had the audacity to say "I was just coming your way?" What? Really? I've been here 2 1/2 years and you're JUST NOW coming my way? PAH-LEEZE! erplexed That brotha would have ridden it out as long as I let him.

Life is too short for foolishness.

 

[Renewed1]

i totally agree. the amount of time most women spend on WAITING UNTIL HE COMES AROUND, they could of been married to someone who already has their ish together and that is looking towards commitment.

i think too many people waste too much time on relationships that go nowhere out of convenience and "not wanting to be alone".

That was true in my case. I was stupid! Oh well, life lesson learned.

I'm 32 and a guy has to make his intentions clear upfront. He doesn't have to say I want to marry you, but let it known upfront that he's looking for a wife. And within 6 to 8 months to let me know if its me or not.

 

[DayStar]

Zaynab you always speak the truth

 

[BeautifulFlower]

This is really great info. Thanks OP as always your threads are great!

I really needed to hear this.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Uh yeah why you're laughing they will, that is if you want that, if you don't, then you 'wait it' it out. I know plenty of folks, especially white that got married, broke in graduate school, one worked, the other went to school, etc. It's those early years I think that can band a relationship and marriage together if you know what that the 'long haul' should be applied sparingly and with good judgement that the person was worth it from the get-g0...............I had the good job, dh was in school, borderline broke, working FT, I married that idiot though

I know this is off-topic but I sorta hate that people don't do that anymore, the marriages you see that are strong NOW, are the ones that had that 'stickwith us/we' mentality, the ones that I see are me/ I went to school first, I bought this house, first...IDK....it's just different *shrugs*

Broke and in love is cute when you're young. Then a few years down the line you reminisce and say, "Remember when we were so broke we couldn't even afford to make it a Blockbuster night?" It's very sweet when you build together.
Of course, "together" being the operative word.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Uh yeah why you're laughing they will, that is if you want that, if you don't, then you 'wait it' it out. I know plenty of folks, especially white that got married, broke in graduate school, one worked, the other went to school, etc. It's those early years I think that can band a relationship and marriage together if you know what that the 'long haul' should be applied sparingly and with good judgement that the person was worth it from the get-g0...............I had the good job, dh was in school, borderline broke, working FT, I married that idiot though

I know this is off-topic but I sorta hate that people don't do that anymore, the marriages you see that are strong NOW, are the ones that had that 'stickwith us/we' mentality, the ones that I see are me/ I went to school first, I bought this house, first...IDK....it's just different *shrugs*

Thank you for saying this. Though I am 23, in graduate school, work full time, and dont live with my momma, I dont believe the hipe that you gotta have it 'together' to get married. I sike myself out thinking I gotta finish school or I gotta be a little older, when my heart says all I need to know is my God, myself, and the purpose of my man.

The strongest relationships Ive seen were short courtships, didnt live together prior to marriage, broke when they met, young etc. They just wanted to be together REGARDLESS of circumstances.

I understand for some people this doesnt work but my observation is that the more 'together' I think I got it, the more independent I'll be in my marriage, which isnt neccesarily good.

 

[Zaynab]

Broke and in love is cute when you're young. Then a few years down the line you reminisce and say, "Remember when we were so broke we couldn't even afford to make it a Blockbuster night?" It's very sweet when you build together.
Of course, "together" being the operative word.

Looking back, I can say those early "building together" years were the best

 

[Zaynab]

Thank you for saying this. Though I am 23, in graduate school, work full time, and dont live with my momma, I dont believe the hipe that you gotta have it 'together' to get married. I sike myself out thinking I gotta finish school or I gotta be a little older, when my heart says all I need to know is my God, myself, and the purpose of my man.

The strongest relationships Ive seen were short courtships, didnt live together prior to marriage, broke when they met, young etc. They just wanted to be together REGARDLESS of circumstances.

I understand for some people this doesnt work but my observation is that the more 'together' I think I got it, the more independent I'll be in my marriage, which isnt neccesarily good.

I have found in observation that the mentality is sometimes different, it's more an individual mindset and IMO thus harder to really get the concept of "together"

 

[Bunny77]

the more 'together' I think I got it, the more independent I'll be in my marriage, which isnt neccesarily good.

DING DING DING!!!!

I bring this point up a lot... think about it... if you are spending years/decades focusing on YOU and being the best YOU that you can be, how are you then going to suddenly switch gears to WE?

Same goes for the dude. People have to be interdependent in a marriage, and that's a lot harder to do when both people have spent a long time being independent and focusing only on what's good for herself/himself, and what makes them alone happy.

Plus, expectations for a partner are higher (as they should be) when two people are older. And while that's good to some degree -- I'm not checking for a 30-year-old living at home with mama -- I think these years of extended singleness can make it harder, not easier, for people to marry.

I know someone created a thread saying, "Whatever happened to growing with a man?" I think that's a great concept, but it only works when you're young... so men who don't like the idea that a woman doesn't want to "grow with him" need to get married much younger... and women who want to "grow with a man" should do the same.

(I know, got on a tangent... again! )

 

[Determined22]

Thanks!

I don't think people realize the emotional toll that comes from getting in relationships just for the sake of doing so. Now, if you just want to hang out with folks and get practice dating, then that's fine and that's how you can enjoy yourself, as they say. (Although I think that there should be restrictions on how much "fun" one should have with someone... no one needs to get caught up in the name of fun!)

You can read this board on any given week and there's usually at least one or two stories about someone who was just "friends" with a dude, then they started sleeping together, but they were never in a relationship... then attachments formed and all of a sudden, now the woman is hurt, sad and depressed over a man who never wanted her like that in the first place!

(And heaven forbid you get pregnant and have to deal with this dude for the rest of your life in some way... or have a pregnancy scare or an STD, etc.)

Relationship baggage is no joke, and it can mess up your chances of meeting the right dude at the right time!

You are so right. The bolded has been my M.O. the past few years, just having fun, nothing serious, and really no desire to get serious.

Then it occured to me that just "having fun" wasn't fun anymore. I realized I am ready to be serious, with the intention of marriage. So I haven't been going out just to go out anymore.

 

[DayStar]

How about if the man already has it all....like his own home and is financially secure....thats good too right?

i dont mind building with someone....hell im building myself

 

[UmSumayyah]

How about if the man already has it all....like his own home and is financially secure....thats good too right?

i dont mind building with someone....hell im building myself

I think that that is great. Like Bunny said, if you're 35 with only a dream, well... And, that's not to say that there is anything wrong with a 24-year old who just has it like that, already has a good job/successful company and is a homeowner. It's admirable.

But there is something about being broke together and then being comfortable together that is very sweet.

 

[Bunny77]

How about if the man already has it all....like his own home and is financially secure....thats good too right?

Of course! That's great!


I think we're just saying that this belief that you MUST be financially secure and have a bunch of stuff before you get married isn't necessarily a good one.

 

[aribell]

......................................

 

[-Volare]

This thread is great, I'm only 21 - still in school I don't really have time for a bf right now, but this is great info for when I get serious. I've always thought it would be looked at as "nagging" or whatever to talk about marriage, or putting pressure on him.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Me too. I thought you should just let him "come around". I guess not, I really needed this info. You guys gave me another token for my dating//courting arsenal. I am learning myself and discovering what I need. So far I have:

Only Christ loving, following men.
No waiting longer than 6mths to 1yr for explicit details of commitment or engagement.
Have a job, vehicle, and lots of potential.

Keep them coming...

This thread is great, I'm only 21 - still in school I don't really have time for a bf right now, but this is great info for when I get serious. I've always thought it would be looked at as "nagging" or whatever to talk about marriage, or putting pressure on him.

 

[divya]

bumping...

 

[Lucia]

If he knows your the one, and you know he's the one, then it shouldn't be more than 3 months or less sometimes, for him to propose. Sounds quick but if your grown out of school and know what you want it isn't. Oh and don't get all caught up on the ring, the proposal/his word is more important than the ring at this point, seriously with guys mostly having zero clue about fashion or jewelry you'd be better off picking your own ring.
Some dudes propose while your still in school so once you've graduated within a couple of months or in that same grad year those couples get married, I've witnessed it, some men don't play games.

Loved these proposal scenes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctcTOLG2h-k&feature=quicklist


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKKau5XVF7k&feature=quicklist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQEHtGdq1mE

 

[Ms Red]

Bump (i love this thread)

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I have a question ladies. So I'm 21 years old, 22 in September, and I'm not looking for marriage anytime in the near future, but as far as relationships are concerned, marriage is one day my ultimate goal. Hypothetically speaking, if I'm with a man and it comes to light that I want to get married one day and he has no plans for ever getting married, should I stick around? I mean, I'm young and marriage is not in my plans right now, but it is definitely in the plans.

I guess I believe that regardless of my age, I'm looking for a man that is willing to commit to me in that way one day. If he has no plans of that ever, I shouldn't waste my time right? What would be the point of starting a relationship with someone knowing full well that marriage is not in their plans ever?

What do you ladies think?

I'm the same way as you and I turn 23 in a few months. I'm nowhere near ready to get married now, even if I was with the right person but marriage is my ultimate goal. It hardly makes sense for me to date someone who doesn't have that same goal. I like to know where things are going (my time is valuable) so unless I know before we start dating I will be sure to bring it up.