How Long is Too Long?

[weaveologist]

I used to think this way as well. I had a friend who was engaged to a woman after dating for 4 months and 5 months later they were married. Now, 2 years later they just had their first child and are so stinking happy. I think the key is intent. My friend was looking for a wife and she wanted a husband. They didn't waste time just dating for the heck of it. When your intent from the beginning is marriage you tend to use the time together productively.
I also have another friend who wasn't even looking to date but when she met her now-husband the connection was so strong from the start that they began a courtship. She knew within a month or so that he was the type of man she could marry and they dated with that intention. He proposed within 7 months and married 7 months after that.
There's no doubt in my mind that both of these marriages will last.

So basically at a point it gets to be more about your readiness for marriage, his readiness for marriage, and you alls ability to be good enough to fit one another's intent?? Like a job? Not trying to be funny but as I get older I am learning that marriage, relationships, etc is more of a role and not a feeling or fantasy ride. Like you have someone looking to get a position filled and someone who is looking to fill a position. He fits the qualifications of the head of household (the supervisor) and you fit the qualifications of the wife (the employee)....BAM! You all work together in perfect harmony and he never wants to fire you and you never want to quit?

I can see that working.

And basically if a woman is ready to get "hired" and she is steady applying at a "job" that ain't hiring, she wasting her f'ing time!

 

[Nayeli]

This is such a healthy discussion!

 

[Silkycoils]

So basically at a point it gets to be more about your readiness for marriage, his readiness for marriage, and you alls ability to be good enough to fit one another's intent?? Like a job? Not trying to be funny but as I get older I am learning that marriage, relationships, etc is more of a role and not a feeling or fantasy ride. Like you have someone looking to get a position filled and someone who is looking to fill a position. He fits the qualifications of the head of household (the supervisor) and you fit the qualifications of the wife (the employee)....BAM! You all work together in perfect harmony and he never wants to fire you and you never want to quit?

I can see that working.

And basically if a woman is ready to get "hired" and she is steady applying at a "job" that ain't hiring, she wasting her f'ing time!

While I like your analogy, I prefer to think of it in terms of two prospectors looking to form a "partnership", rather than a boss/employee relationship. I like to think of myself as a contractor accepting bids. I'm looking to "merge".

 

[LadieCrn]

It all depends on your age, if you are pretty young (teens, early 20's) you can wait, if you are older maybe I would have a time limit. I firmly believe you need to know someone more than 2 years. It also depends on it you have that burning desire to get married ASAP. I have been with my SO for 4 1/2. I don't think I want to get married for another 2 years.

 

[Aggie]

While I like your analogy, I prefer to think of it in terms of two prospectors looking to form a "partnership", rather than a boss/employee relationship. I like to think of myself as a contractor accepting bids. I'm looking to "merge".

Ooooh Silkynaps, I couldn't have said this better myself. This is what my SO always say, "partnership" with me is what he wants more than anything.

Something else he said that really made me love him even more:

"Honey, don't walk ahead of me because I may not follow; don't walk behind me because I may not wait for you; but walk beside me and be my friend." I loved it because I feel the same way. A "lifetime partnership" (with God as our Central Focus) is what my SO and I are working on accomplishing. We accomplish so much more this way.

 

[lexi84]

This is an awesome thread and great discussion.

I am 24 and my SO is 23. We've been together for 13 months and he makes me happy (with an exception of a few disagreements every now and then). I am not ready to get married to him. At our age and the place that we are in our separate lives it wouldnt be a good idea to get married right now. Thats simply how I feel.

At my age, 6 months is soooo not long enough for me to know if I want to spend FOREVER with someone. Maybe if I were older in my 30s or 40s, but at my age, no. A friend of mine married a man after 5 months and he turned out to be a control freak and physically abused her throughout their marriage and while she was pregnant with their children. She's lucky to be alive. They are divorced now. She says he didnt show any abusive qualities before they got married and she wish she would have had a longer courtship before considering marrying him.

On the other hand, my parents dated for 4 years before they got married and they've been together for as long as I've been alive (24 years) and I've NEVER seen them argue. My parents have a great relationship.

So how long is too long? It all depends on the relationship and the individuals in said relationship. Rushing can be tragic as well as fruitful, and waiting can be tragic as well as fruitful. It all depends. There is no right or wrong answer to this question.

 

[neenzmj]

Yes, I understand what you're saying and I agree with this statement AS LONG AS the two individuals are BOTH of the same mindset. The question in my OP is how long is too long for a woman to wait around HOPING that a guy will decide to decide he's ready for marriage.

This is an awesome thread and great discussion.

I am 24 and my SO is 23. We've been together for 13 months and he makes me happy (with an exception of a few disagreements every now and then). I am not ready to get married to him. At our age and the place that we are in our separate lives it wouldnt be a good idea to get married right now. Thats simply how I feel.

At my age, 6 months is soooo not long enough for me to know if I want to spend FOREVER with someone. Maybe if I were older in my 30s or 40s, but at my age, no. A friend of mine married a man after 5 months and he turned out to be a control freak and physically abused her throughout their marriage and while she was pregnant with their children. She's lucky to be alive. They are divorced now. She says he didnt show any abusive qualities before they got married and she wish she would have had a longer courtship before considering marrying him.

On the other hand, my parents dated for 4 years before they got married and they've been together for as long as I've been alive (24 years) and I've NEVER seen them argue. My parents have a great relationship.

So how long is too long? It all depends on the relationship and the individuals in said relationship. Rushing can be tragic as well as fruitful, and waiting can be tragic as well as fruitful. It all depends. There is no right or wrong answer to this question.

 

[CarLiTa]

CarLiTa:

This is a good question. I'll sum it up in a few simple words as it applies to me: I knew I was really ready when I figured out that I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about being submissive and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual. It's also meant that had to be in a place of allowing my husband to be the head of our family and dealing with the need within me to try and control things. Being ready has also meant I've had to deal with my selfish nature -- it's not about me, it's about US. In addition, I've had to learn to forgive easily and I've had to learn to be quick to ask for forgiveness. I was none of these things in my first go-round with marriage.

Thank you so much for your reply. I have been wondering this for a while now, and this thread seemed to be the right place to ask.

As far as what I quoted above, I need help with most of that, but I am young and am still learning. I just have never seen it displayed in grown-up relationships in a healthy way (keyword: in a healthy way).

I need to learn to be quick to ask for forgiveness... and not withdraw emotionally when I am sad... and definitely not allow it to affect my interaction with the guy.

 

[Adgirl]

This is one of the best discussions I've seen on this forum. Thank you! I've learned a lot. In fact it could not have come at a better time as I am planning to talk to my SO whom I've dated almost a year today. I'm 34 and don't have much time to waste. He's told me time and again how he wants me to be his wife and how he's never loved anyone as much as I, but still have some unresolved issues involving an ex girlfriend. I rather not wait any longer so I'm forcing him to make a choice of to taking care of business and we move on or end what we have started. I'll report tomorrow.

 

[aribell]

For the women who ended up dumping guys that had them waiting around too long, do you feel like the writing really was on the wall the whole time but you chose not to see it, or do you think it's something that you could only have known by asking straight out?

 

[inthepink]

ITA. You need to know early on what's up. Ultimatums don't fare well IMO.
When DH and I started dating he told me upfront that he was not looking for fun, he was looking to get to know me and if our relationship went well he would marry me. Simple as that. He would also give me a "state of the union" address every so often...like, I'm still happy, and early on he told me "when do you want to get married." There was no ifs, buts or maybes.

Oh, that is TOO funny!

 

[Nayeli]

OP, thanks for clarifying your question ever further, because I was only seeing it as the way lexi discussed. The way you phrased it raises another dynamic altogether.

I think each man knows what he's looking for in a wife, if he's looking for a wife at all. And I'm guessing some of these things include loyalty, trust, a supporter, a friend, a potentially good mother etc. So when a relationship has matured to the point where it is very clear (either through discussion or experiences) that the woman satisfies/exceeds all her partner's requirements for a spouse and he STILL needs more time to decide whatever it is he's taking his jolly ole time deciding - THAT is way too long.

Because at that point, you KNOW that this woman is what you're looking for, but you're just not sure that either 1) she is the package that you want these qualities to come in or 2) you are ready for marriage at all.

 

[kismettt]

so she wants marriage and he's not ready?

i still think it depends on age. i mean, if hes 21 & hes not ready for marriage. ok. that and what are his reasons for not being ready?

but i think around 2.5-3 years if it does not look even close to happening and she really wants to and does not understand why not, she should a) talk to him & if they can't come to some mutual idea/thoughts on the rlp b) bounce.

 

[kbody4]

Exactly! That's what happened when I finally got sense enough to end it with the guy of 2 1/2 years. He had the audacity to say "I was just coming your way?" What? Really? I've been here 2 1/2 years and you're JUST NOW coming my way? PAH-LEEZE! erplexed That brotha would have ridden it out as long as I let him.

Life is too short for foolishness.

I agree!! I'm at a point in my life that I know exactly what I want out of life.

 

[kbody4]

Oh okay! Gotcha!

Well for me at 31, I wouldn't wait longer than two years for a proposal, and that's pushing it.

Ideally, if I'm in a relationship and things are going well, I think anywhere from 6-18 months would be a good time for a proposal. In my head, six months seems like such a short period, but the more I talk to people in happy marriages, the more that I learn that short courtships are more common than I thought.

Seems like many of those do better than the super-long dating forever couples.

My SO told me that his grandparents only dated for two weeks and they just knew! They were married for over 30 years, until he passed away.

 

[HiBeautiful420]

I agree with everything that is being said in this thread. I personally do not believe that I know myself well enough in the relationship after a year to marry someone, let-a-lone know him well enough, but thats my to each its own. But definetly a man knows who he wants to marry after a few months. Anytime spent after that should be a consistent and intentional migration towards marriage.

a year is not enough time for me either! I have a son and im sorry but i will not make a man the step father to my son after just one year! How many relationships do you see end after the 2 or 3 year marks? I refuse to have men in and out of my life or my sons life because i rushed into things. I think a couple should date for at least 6mts to a year before even moving in with each other. Then i believe you should live with the other person for at least a year before you get married. Then take another year to plan the wedding. when i get married its for life. I want to get it right the first time. I have been with my current boyfriend for 5 years. We are very happy. We will get married when WE are ready. right now money is tight and planning a wedding is just tooo much money for us. I dont think its smart to try and force a decision of marriage out of someone before they are ready. Dont put a timeline on your future.

 

[LBoogie]

a year is not enough time for me either! I have a son and im sorry but i will not make a man the step father to my son after just one year! How many relationships do you see end after the 2 or 3 year marks? I refuse to have men in and out of my life or my sons life because i rushed into things. I think a couple should date for at least 6mts to a year before even moving in with each other. Then i believe you should live with the other person for at least a year before you get married. Then take another year to plan the wedding. when i get married its for life. I want to get it right the first time. I have been with my current boyfriend for 5 years. We are very happy. We will get married when WE are ready. right now money is tight and planning a wedding is just tooo much money for us. I dont think its smart to try and force a decision of marriage out of someone before they are ready. Dont put a timeline on your future.

I think people should take more time when they are bringing a child from a previous relationship into a relationship.

BUT, I don't see why people SHOULD live together before marriage. Spending a year living together before taking a year to PLAN a wedding? Doesn't make sense to me.

Not to be totally offensive, but suggesting when people should marry when you have a child, are living with a man, have been together for 5 years and have no immediate plans for marriage, IMO...suggests that perhaps you need not be the one suggesting when people should marry and what is "too soon" for a legal union to take place.

 

[countrychickd]

I have a question ladies. So I'm 21 years old, 22 in September, and I'm not looking for marriage anytime in the near future, but as far as relationships are concerned, marriage is one day my ultimate goal. Hypothetically speaking, if I'm with a man and it comes to light that I want to get married one day and he has no plans for ever getting married, should I stick around? I mean, I'm young and marriage is not in my plans right now, but it is definitely in the plans.

I guess I believe that regardless of my age, I'm looking for a man that is willing to commit to me in that way one day. If he has no plans of that ever, I shouldn't waste my time right? What would be the point of starting a relationship with someone knowing full well that marriage is not in their plans ever?

What do you ladies think?

 

[Bunny77]

I have a question ladies. So I'm 21 years old, 22 in September, and I'm not looking for marriage anytime in the near future, but as far as relationships are concerned, marriage is one day my ultimate goal. Hypothetically speaking, if I'm with a man and it comes to light that I want to get married one day and he has no plans for ever getting married, should I stick around? I mean, I'm young and marriage is not in my plans right now, but it is definitely in the plans.

I guess I believe that regardless of my age, I'm looking for a man that is willing to commit to me in that way one day. If he has no plans of that ever, I shouldn't waste my time right? What would be the point of starting a relationship with someone knowing full well that marriage is not in their plans ever?

What do you ladies think?

Yeah, I think that you should move on, even if you aren't looking for marriage now.

Cause see, what will happen is, you'll get attached to Mr. I Don't Want To Get Married... and then at some point, you WILL want to get married, and probably to that guy, since he's your boyfriend. But then when he doesn't want to, you'll have to then figure out how to make your exit... which of course is easier said than done because the longer you stay with a guy, the harder it is to leave.

Then when you leave, you might get back together briefly out of habit and then you've lost a few more months (or longer). Finally you'll break up for good and then go through the process of trying to rediscover Countrychickd... and learn how to be single again... and then eventually get back in the dating pool and hope to find the right one this time.

Long story short -- women can waste 5-6+ years on some dude who was only meant to be a part-time distraction. Why bother when you know from jump what the deal is?

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

I was about to come in and say 12"

Two years without a solid commitment is way overdue imo.

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

...............................................

 

[countrychickd]

Yeah, I think that you should move on, even if you aren't looking for marriage now.

Cause see, what will happen is, you'll get attached to Mr. I Don't Want To Get Married... and then at some point, you WILL want to get married, and probably to that guy, since he's your boyfriend. But then when he doesn't want to, you'll have to then figure out how to make your exit... which of course is easier said than done because the longer you stay with a guy, the harder it is to leave.

Then when you leave, you might get back together briefly out of habit and then you've lost a few more months (or longer). Finally you'll break up for good and then go through the process of trying to rediscover Countrychickd... and learn how to be single again... and then eventually get back in the dating pool and hope to find the right one this time.

Long story short -- women can waste 5-6+ years on some dude who was only meant to be a part-time distraction. Why bother when you know from jump what the deal is?

This was my exact thinking. I'm definitely not one to believe that I can convince a man into marriage. This was my thinking, but so many people think that since I'm so young, I should just enjoy myself. When it comes to relationships, I'm definitely not thinking along those lines. I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone and get so attached that I settle for no type of true commitment simply because I knew from the start that they didn't have plans for marriage. It seems to be setting oneself up for heartbreak and disaster. Great advice lady!

 

[GoingNatural]

this is one of the best threads i've ever read on lhcf

great discussion ladies

 

[LivingDoll]

I think people should take more time when they are bringing a child from a previous relationship into a relationship.

BUT, I don't see why people SHOULD live together before marriage. Spending a year living together before taking a year to PLAN a wedding? Doesn't make sense to me.

ITA. I would never subject my daughter to a "shacking" situation. I don't see how there could be anything healthy that comes from that.

 

[Zaynab]

I agree with this.

With the exception of college students and perhaps the recently graduated (ages 23 to maybe 26), you don't need that long to date and decide whether you want to marry.

See I don't even think that. Because a man that wants to marry you will do it, poor, in graduate school and living in a hut

I agree though that men know VERY soon that do or don't want to marry a person. They know like immediately I've said this before but I met my dh and he asked me to marry him in 4 weeks. Did he have a good job? Any money? Heck no he was working FT and going to school FT....which is why I say men if they want you, they want you. He'd broken up with a girl he dated for FIVE years, I asked him why he didn't marry her, he said "because I didn't want to" I said uh did she know she know? He said "oh I don't know"

After 30, if you have kids and/or been married, I say one year to meet and marry.

 

[Bunny77]

This was my exact thinking. I'm definitely not one to believe that I can convince a man into marriage. This was my thinking, but so many people think that since I'm so young, I should just enjoy myself. When it comes to relationships, I'm definitely not thinking along those lines. I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone and get so attached that I settle for no type of true commitment simply because I knew from the start that they didn't have plans for marriage. It seems to be setting oneself up for heartbreak and disaster. Great advice lady!

Thanks!

I don't think people realize the emotional toll that comes from getting in relationships just for the sake of doing so. Now, if you just want to hang out with folks and get practice dating, then that's fine and that's how you can enjoy yourself, as they say. (Although I think that there should be restrictions on how much "fun" one should have with someone... no one needs to get caught up in the name of fun!)

You can read this board on any given week and there's usually at least one or two stories about someone who was just "friends" with a dude, then they started sleeping together, but they were never in a relationship... then attachments formed and all of a sudden, now the woman is hurt, sad and depressed over a man who never wanted her like that in the first place!

(And heaven forbid you get pregnant and have to deal with this dude for the rest of your life in some way... or have a pregnancy scare or an STD, etc.)

Relationship baggage is no joke, and it can mess up your chances of meeting the right dude at the right time!

 

[neenzmj]

EXACTLY! You were definitely in my head, Bunny77. Everything you stated is the problem with this whole idea of just “kickin it.” No matter how we slice it and try to convince ourselves otherwise, sex means something different for women than it does for men. Granted, there are times when a woman's hormones are raging and the sex it just about sex, but generally, we form emotional attachments with men once we’ve had sex with them. So like you said, first you had sex and next start feelin’ him in a different way, thinking about the possibilities, does he love me, are we gonna be together and meanwhile back at the ranch, he’s still just “kickin it” with you.

We need to quit lying to ourselves about “kickin’ it.” The moment sex enters the picture is the moment the kickin’ it is over – at least for the woman.

Thanks!

I don't think people realize the emotional toll that comes from getting in relationships just for the sake of doing so. Now, if you just want to hang out with folks and get practice dating, then that's fine and that's how you can enjoy yourself, as they say. (Although I think that there should be restrictions on how much "fun" one should have with someone... there are... no one needs to get caught up in the name of fun!)

You can read this board on any given week and there's usually at least one or two stories about someone who was just "friends" with a dude, then they started sleeping together, but they were never in a relationship... then attachments formed and all of a sudden, now the woman is hurt, sad and depressed over a man who never wanted her like that in the first place!

(And heaven forbid you get pregnant and have to deal with this dude for the rest of your life in some way... or have a pregnancy scare or an STD, etc.)

Relationship baggage is no joke, and it can mess up your chances of meeting the right dude at the right time!

 

[aribell]

See I don't even think that. Because a man that wants to marry you will do it, poor, in graduate school and living in a hut

And live on what, our Stafford loans?

I do agree with the point though. Marriage intentions can at least be stated, even if it's going to take a minute to actually follow through.

 

[skatergurljubulee]

You make a great point. When a man is ready to be married, he'll marry. when he's ready to marry you, he'll marry you.
He won't want to wait, really. From my experience they're eager when they love the person and want to spend their lives with them.
I think too long is when everytime you go on a date, every time he expresses any emotion resembling love- and dashes your hopes because you were so sure that it'd happen this time, it's too long. Then the doubt about your self worth will pop up and it'll be a downward spiral from there if you don't get it together.
But I also think that there's nothing wrong with letting a man know that you want to get married. They should know from jump so that neither of you are wasting your time. If you tell him and he still procrastinates or gets silly, let him go. There's someone out there that'll take you as you are, and there are good men out there waiting for the chance.
The "you" sprinkled around in my reply is figurative. lol

 

[skatergurljubulee]

The guy who wrote the book, "When Men Marry Some Women and Not Others," also said that 73% (I think) of women who married put some kind of pressure on their boyfriends to propose.

Heck, even Michelle Obama did that, because Barack at first was talking about how marriage wasn't important to him, blah blah blah... but Michelle said that she planned to be married.

The problem is, I think that ultimatum might be the wrong word for it, or some women do it wrong... You don't get with a dude and stay with him for umpteen years, have some babies by him and then say, "If you don't marry me by April 14, 2009, I'm leaving."

You establish at the beginning of the relationship that you plan to be married, and that you aren't going to spend too much time just being someone's girlfriend. That's how you let him know what you expect, and he can either comply or move on.

That makes me feel good! I mean, if the First Lady put pressure on her man, aparrently men aren't all THAT different. Go Michelle! That's the way to lay it down.