How Long is Too Long?

[intergalacticartist]

So how would you say "Hey buddy, I'm not sitting around waiting here forever. You need to show your intentions!" in a really sweet way?

Also, do you think in the relationships where men needed an ultimatum didn't want to marry their spouses anyway? Do you think that this is a recipe for a doomed marriage? Define ultimatum

 

[Prose Princess]

OOH, that's a trap right there!

I knew many couples that started dating in college and then got married soon after graduation. There was none of this talk about living together first... plus, that often delays marriage even more because dude gets all the benefits of having a wife without actually getting married.

I'm glad you're seeing the writing on the wall! Good luck to you!

Exactly. The dynamics of the relationship have changed a great deal since the beginning when we were talking about marriage. Honestly I'm not in a huge hurry to get married or anything, I haven't even established my career or anything yet, but after four years, you would think he would be looking forward to the day when we are financially stable enough to get married. A friend of his and his girlfriend started dating about a year and a half ago, and when I look at their relationship and how his friend talks about his girlfriend and their plans for the future (although they are living together already, with two roommates mind you), it's more than obvious that he is really into her. But I was actually there when his friend casually asked my SO about us and when we were getting married, and the look on his face said it all.

Prose Princess:

Your situation sounds a bit similar to my daughter's. She was dating a guy from WAY back in high school (she's in her last year of college now.) They "talked" about marriage once they graduated, but along the way, he'd break up with her saying that he felt pressured, or needed to concentrate on school... blah blah blah. They'd get back together only to break up again. Meanwhile, my daughter was holding out all hope that he'd get his act together and she'd get to realize her dream of marrying him. As a mother, I tried to tell her that he wasn't ready for marriage nor was she. She wasn't hearing me and she had to go through a few more breakups and the additional heartache before she said "ENOUGH." She finally realized they were trying to press for something that neither of them was ready for. She says she's found peace in the fact that if it's meant to happen, it will. She was sad for awhile because she really had her hopes set on it, but now she seems much happier being free from the wondering if it's going to happen.

That sounds exactly like my situation, and my older sister's too believe it or not. So your daughter finally left him? I think it was easier for my sister to move on because her SO at the time ended up cheating on her erplexed. But I don't have that luxury, I just have to get the strength to get up and leave, even though I still care about him and he hasn't done anything explicity to hurt me. So it sucks. But I know it has to be done.

 

[neenzmj]

Yes, they're still friends and they talk from time to time, but they're not "dating." It was hard for her initially, but I think the final time she was the one who initiated it. I think finally go the clue that there was nothing she could do to MAKE him be ready for marriage.

Exactly. The dynamics of the relationship have changed a great deal since the beginning when we were talking about marriage. Honestly I'm not in a huge hurry to get married or anything, I haven't even established my career or anything yet, but after four years, you would think he would be looking forward to the day when we are financially stable enough to get married. A friend of his and his girlfriend started dating about a year and a half ago, and when I look at their relationship and how his friend talks about his girlfriend and their plans for the future (although they are living together already, with two roommates mind you), it's more than obvious that he is really into her. But I was actually there when his friend casually asked my SO about us and when we were getting married, and the look on his face said it all.



That sounds exactly like my situation, and my older sister's too believe it or not. So your daughter finally left him? I think it was easier for my sister to move on because her SO at the time ended up cheating on her erplexed. But I don't have that luxury, I just have to get the strength to get up and leave, even though I still care about him and he hasn't done anything explicity to hurt me. So it sucks. But I know it has to be done.

 

[classylayd]

I sometimes think that the younger you are, the more time you may take because you have your whole life ahead of you, why the rush? On the other hand, you have seniors, folks in their 60's 70's who may date only a maybe 6 months before marrying because they feel time is not on their side and they don't want to waste it simple dating but being married to one another.

It's all boils down to where you are at in life.

Congrats to you and your DH!

I agree, especially with the bolded! Thanks!

 

[neenzmj]

I think if the couple BOTH wants to wait, that's one thing, but it definitely needs to be consensual. This whole notion of waiting for him to "get himself together" or DECIDE whether he wants to marry me, all whilst getting marital benefits? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

 

[neenzmj]

Prose Princess:

Here's what my daughter shared with me (she's 22.)

"I asked God to help me not to suffer and to give me peace about the situation and he did. I’m quite happy being by myself now and I know that’s thanks to God. It wasn’t easy in the beginning but I really had to let God have the situation because it wasn’t what he wanted at this time. To be honest, our friendship has really grown and we’re able to talk without getting emotional (in particular me), but more importantly both of our relationships with God have grown dramatically and we’re encouraging each other through that. I’m not mad about the situation at all because I knew now was not the time because we were not able to be together and put God first. I still believe that we will be together in the long run but now is not our time. Even if we don’t get back together I know that God has someone out there for me that will make me extremely happy. And even though I don’t know what the future holds I’m ok with that, because God has a great plan just for me!"

 

[Ediese]

I'm 25yo, and I've already said that I'm not waiting more than 1 yr of dating for me to know where things are heading. I think by 1.5 I should receive the final committment.

 

[ChelzBoo]

I think if the couple BOTH wants to wait, that's one thing, but it definitely needs to be consensual. This whole notion of waiting for him to "get himself together" or DECIDE whether he wants to marry me, all whilst getting marital benefits? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

i totally agree. the amount of time most women spend on WAITING UNTIL HE COMES AROUND, they could of been married to someone who already has their ish together and that is looking towards commitment.

i think too many people waste too much time on relationships that go nowhere out of convenience and "not wanting to be alone".

 

[mscocoface]

Whatever you decide please remember words are powerful. State your feelings and desires from jump street so that he completely understands what you want and where you are going.

If he can't be as upfront and straight forward then you have two options to invest the time or not, but be sure you are doing this with your eyes wide open.

There is too much at risk when creating a relationship that could not only effect you and him but others like chidren, etc.

In short if you are ready, make darn sure that you know he is to and put a timeline on it.

 

[neenzmj]

Say it again, say it again (the bold text). This was me. I fooled around with this clown waiting and hoping. And to be perfectly honest, part of it was because I didn't want to be alone, but guess what? I was alone anyway! I think back on all the productive things I could have been doing with my life during those times and I could just kick myself!

i totally agree. the amount of time most women spend on WAITING UNTIL HE COMES AROUND, they could of been married to someone who already has their ish together and that is looking towards commitment.

i think too many people waste too much time on relationships that go nowhere out of convenience and "not wanting to be alone".

 

[Bunny77]

So how would you say "Hey buddy, I'm not sitting around waiting here forever. You need to show your intentions!" in a really sweet way?

Also, do you think in the relationships where men needed an ultimatum didn't want to marry their spouses anyway? Do you think that this is a recipe for a doomed marriage? Define ultimatum

Regarding the second paragraph... I think the situation is doomed when two people are in a relationship and marriage hasn't been discussed, but the woman (usually) wants to be married. So she brings it up, he hems and haws, and she stays with him anyway.

To issue an ultimatum at this point could be pretty much fruitless because he's already shown through his lack of action that he's not looking to marry (or marry HER). But if she does issue an ultimatum, she BETTER stick to it and be prepared to leave if he doesn't marry her in the timeline she set.

Unfortunately, if you're at the point where you're in an relationship and setting a "marry me or I'll leave" ultimatum, things probably aren't looking good.


This type of stuff has to be established early. The next time a man asks me to be his girlfriend and be exclusive, I will make my intentions clear and make sure that they match his. This shouldn't be a surprise though, because we would have probably talked about a future together on the dates leading up to that point.

 

[Farida]

Regarding the second paragraph... I think the situation is doomed when two people are in a relationship and marriage hasn't been discussed, but the woman (usually) wants to be married. So she brings it up, he hems and haws, and she stays with him anyway.

To issue an ultimatum at this point could be pretty much fruitless because he's already shown through his lack of action that he's not looking to marry (or marry HER). But if she does issue an ultimatum, she BETTER stick to it and be prepared to leave if he doesn't marry her in the timeline she set.

Unfortunately, if you're at the point where you're in an relationship and setting a "marry me or I'll leave" ultimatum, things probably aren't looking good.


This type of stuff has to be established early. The next time a man asks me to be his girlfriend and be exclusive, I will make my intentions clear and make sure that they match his. This shouldn't be a surprise though, because we would have probably talked about a future together on the dates leading up to that point.

ITA. You need to know early on what's up. Ultimatums don't fare well IMO.
When DH and I started dating he told me upfront that he was not looking for fun, he was looking to get to know me and if our relationship went well he would marry me. Simple as that. He would also give me a "state of the union" address every so often...like, I'm still happy, and early on he told me "when do you want to get married." There was no ifs, buts or maybes.

 

[tocktick]

I think it depends on a number of factors:

* age
* stage in life
* how fast you want your relationship to progress (as agreed by the both of you)

etc...

For example, I'm 21 and about to graduate university. If I was in a serious relationship, I probably wouldn't want to get married until just after my mid-20s. Whereas, I can imagine that if I was in my mid-30s+, I would probably want to be engaged within 2-2.5 years.

Ultimately, I don't think anyone should be waiting and wishing for their SO to propose. Imo, that means communication is a real issue. There should be no waiting-game: this is something that should be discussed when one (or both) people feel the time is right. It's probably something should be talked about sooner rather than later though. If you know that you're looking to settle down soon, then you should let your partner know up-front and tell him how long you're willing to be around without an ring/engagement.

 

[dlewis]

One of my ex-coworkers dated a guy 22 years. And she's prob still waiting. She would hang onto his every word. For example, when he said "when we get married and have kids....." (he might have said that 15 years ago) yet she's saying it like he said it yest. She was in her mid-forties when I left that job and I felt so bad for her.

For me 6 months is to long.

 

[LivingDoll]

ITA. You need to know early on what's up. Ultimatums don't fare well IMO.
When DH and I started dating he told me upfront that he was not looking for fun, he was looking to get to know me and if our relationship went well he would marry me. Simple as that. He would also give me a "state of the union" address every so often...like, I'm still happy, and early on he told me "when do you want to get married." There was no ifs, buts or maybes.

My the man in my life has expressed the same. Although I've known him for several years, we've only been romantically involved for a very short time.

 

[Bunny77]

My the man in my life has expressed the same. Although I've known him for several years, we've only been romantically involved for a very short time.

Hey, you've got a man? Wonderful!

 

[LivingDoll]

Hey, you've got a man? Wonderful!

Happened fast right? Literally, like a week after our conversation I started getting to know him. It's not serious, he's not quite what I would consider a SO yet but we're working towards that and he's made his intentions clear already. I'm just taking it one day at a time right now. It feels good to know where his head is at though.

 

[Bunny77]

Happened fast right? Literally, like a week after our conversation I started getting to know him. It's not serious, he's not quite what I would consider a SO yet but we're working towards that and he's made his intentions clear already. I'm just taking it one day at a time right now. It feels good to know where his head is at though.

Sounds good to me.

I truly believe in the power of intention (whether someone calls it LOA, power of positive thinking, prayer, God, etc.)... when you put it out there that you desire to be with someone and then order your steps to make that happen, it happens!

Enjoy the ride!

 

[LivingDoll]

Sounds good to me.

I truly believe in the power of intention (whether someone calls it LOA, power of positive thinking, prayer, God, etc.)... when you put it out there that you desire to be with someone and then order your steps to make that happen, it happens!

Enjoy the ride!

Thanks Bunny. The funny thing is, he was under my nose the entire time. I don't know what's gonna happen but I do plan to enjoy the ride.

 

[Aggie]

I think that 12 months is ample time for a man to decide that he wants a woman as his wife and lifetime partner and vice versa. I say lifetime because too many people are getting married with very weak intentions of staying together through the thick and the thin, through the good and the bad, through the sicknesses and the health. These questions should really be answered deep in the recesses of one's heart before making a lifetime commitment like marraige. Can I really be with this person through it all, no matter what kind of fire curve ball life throws at us as a couple?

I believe that 2 years and longer (depending on the ages of the individuals involved, it may be longer) is too long especially when you reach my age (40 years). I don't have forever to be waiting for a deep-rooted, solid commitment from either of us. That is why my SO and I spend a lot of "quality" (not just quantity) time getting to know each other. I am talking about our insecurites, our failures, weaknesses, fears, vulnerabilities, the whole nine yard, they're all on the table when we talk. We hardly engage in idle chatter but when we do, it's fun-filled and meaningful. We are almost 6 months into our relationship and are already discussing marraige. If we didn't at this point, I'd be thinking about moving on about now.

 

[Bunny77]

Aggie, you are so NOT 40!

You look good, girl!

 

[Aggie]

Aggie, you are so NOT 40!

You look good, girl!

Thanks Bunny77, you're sweet.

 

[Ms Red]

After learning a hard lesson, I decided to discuss this (marriage, not dating for my 'health') with my current guy before we even agreed to be in a mututally exclusive relationship. When I realized that we both have the same goals in mind regarding marriage, I was more comfortable moving forward with the relationship.

I do not beat him over the head with it, but we have discussed marriage and the future since that initial conversation. Thank God it's been positive.

 

[CarLiTa]

side question:
how do you know that you're in the right mindset (as a woman) to be in a serious relationship, one that could potentially lead to marriage?

A lot of this advice makes it seem like women are just READY emotionally for this kind of relationship, or for marriage even. The only lack of readiness that is pointed out is when the woman wants to accomplish some professional goals first.

By not being ready, i'm also not talking about a woman having the "I wanna live the single life" attitude, but i'm talking more about the emotional aspects...

Adult relationships seem like a lot of worrrkkk... being emotionally open, being extremely attentive to the person's feelings, making them happy even when you are having a bad day yourself, exposing your vulnerabilities to them...

I realize that all this stuff is important and necessary. When I hear you ladies say "within 6 months" for example, I am assuming that this level of openness HAS happened within those 6 months??

I guess I'd like to hear what exactly women are doing during the 6months-1 year period. How are you showing that you are indeed ready for something very serious like marriage, and not just in the sense of "i can cook, i can clean" but more like "i can be your emotional partner for life?"... if that makes sense

 

[FluffyRed]

.................................

 

[Caramela]

Forget waiting for a man... what I want to know is, is that you in the avatar? You're 45? What? Can we talk about why you look so good? Just gorgeous!

 

[cheetarah1980]

side question:
how do you know that you're in the right mindset (as a woman) to be in a serious relationship, one that could potentially lead to marriage?

A lot of this advice makes it seem like women are just READY emotionally for this kind of relationship, or for marriage even. The only lack of readiness that is pointed out is when the woman wants to accomplish some professional goals first.

By not being ready, i'm also not talking about a woman having the "I wanna live the single life" attitude, but i'm talking more about the emotional aspects...

Adult relationships seem like a lot of worrrkkk... being emotionally open, being extremely attentive to the person's feelings, making them happy even when you are having a bad day yourself, exposing your vulnerabilities to them...

I realize that all this stuff is important and necessary. When I hear you ladies say "within 6 months" for example, I am assuming that this level of openness HAS happened within those 6 months??

I guess I'd like to hear what exactly women are doing during the 6months-1 year period. How are you showing that you are indeed ready for something very serious like marriage, and not just in the sense of "i can cook, i can clean" but more like "i can be your emotional partner for life?"... if that makes sense

I think the reason many of us are saying 6 months is because we were ready prior to entering the relationship. Women (especially younger women) operate under the "I'll be ready when the right one comes along" school of thought. While men are the exact opposite. They think, "I'll find the right one when I'm ready." That's why a man can stay with a woman for years and NEVER marry her. Then one day he decides he wants to settle down and he marries the next woman he dates within a year. Well many of us have moved over to the men's side. We're ready to give our hearts, we're ready to sacrifice, we're ready to "submit." So when we find a man who meets what we want in a man the only thing left to do is determine whether or not he's "the one," so to speak. We don't even waste our time on men who we know COULDN'T be the right ones. That's why you see so many women move into marriage (and marriages that last) after less than a year of courtship. The intent was there from the start.

 

[weaveologist]

side question:
how do you know that you're in the right mindset (as a woman) to be in a serious relationship, one that could potentially lead to marriage?

A lot of this advice makes it seem like women are just READY emotionally for this kind of relationship, or for marriage even. The only lack of readiness that is pointed out is when the woman wants to accomplish some professional goals first.

By not being ready, i'm also not talking about a woman having the "I wanna live the single life" attitude, but i'm talking more about the emotional aspects...

Adult relationships seem like a lot of worrrkkk... being emotionally open, being extremely attentive to the person's feelings, making them happy even when you are having a bad day yourself, exposing your vulnerabilities to them...

I realize that all this stuff is important and necessary. When I hear you ladies say "within 6 months" for example, I am assuming that this level of openness HAS happened within those 6 months??

I guess I'd like to hear what exactly women are doing during the 6months-1 year period. How are you showing that you are indeed ready for something very serious like marriage, and not just in the sense of "i can cook, i can clean" but more like "i can be your emotional partner for life?"... if that makes sense

All of this was said sooooooooooooo well!!!!!!!!!!! I was wondering the same thing!!!!!

Though in your late 30's and/or early 40's you know YOURSELF and your abilites, as well as having your life together enough, to get married, how do you know HIM well enough to get married that fast? Though many people have done it and succeeded, sooooo many have done it and failed.

I am 27, and though I am still in grad school and getting other personal things in order, I can not see meeting a man and within six months to a year being ready to bring my child into that relationship with a marriage. If he proposed that fast, I may say yes, but it will take another year for us to establish that relationship. If he knows that I am that one after six months, he should be willing to wait a little longer.

Maybe I am so critical because its not just me I was taking a gamble with, its my child as well.

 

[cheetarah1980]

All of this was said sooooooooooooo well!!!!!!!!!!! I was wondering the same thing!!!!!

Though in your late 30's and/or early 40's you know YOURSELF and your abilites, as well as having your life together enough, to get married, how do you know HIM well enough to get married that fast? Though many people have done it and succeeded, sooooo many have done it and failed.

I am 27, and though I am still in grad school and getting other personal things in order, I can not see meeting a man and within six months to a year being ready to bring my child into that relationship with a marriage. If he proposed that fast, I may say yes, but it will take another year for us to establish that relationship. If he knows that I am that one after six months, he should be willing to wait a little longer.

Maybe I am so critical because its not just me I was taking a gamble with, its my child as well.

I used to think this way as well. I had a friend who was engaged to a woman after dating for 4 months and 5 months later they were married. Now, 2 years later they just had their first child and are so stinking happy. I think the key is intent. My friend was looking for a wife and she wanted a husband. They didn't waste time just dating for the heck of it. When your intent from the beginning is marriage you tend to use the time together productively.
I also have another friend who wasn't even looking to date but when she met her now-husband the connection was so strong from the start that they began a courtship. She knew within a month or so that he was the type of man she could marry and they dated with that intention. He proposed within 7 months and married 7 months after that.
There's no doubt in my mind that both of these marriages will last.

 

[neenzmj]

CarLiTa:

This is a good question. I'll sum it up in a few simple words as it applies to me: I knew I was really ready when I figured out that I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about being submissive and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual. It's also meant that had to be in a place of allowing my husband to be the head of our family and dealing with the need within me to try and control things. Being ready has also meant I've had to deal with my selfish nature -- it's not about me, it's about US. In addition, I've had to learn to forgive easily and I've had to learn to be quick to ask for forgiveness. I was none of these things in my first go-round with marriage.

As to your question about there being openness: yes, my husband and I were extremely open and honest with each other right from the start. He was so open that prior to him arriving for our first meeting he said, "now, if we don't have anything to talk about (meaning, if we don't hit if off), I'm going to go on ahead to church." I knew there was something different about him from that moment on. That set the tone for the rest of our relationship. Because of that, I was able to share all my "stuff" with him (the good, bad and ugly.) He did the same. We both just laid it all out there. The honesty helped establish a strong level of trust between us, and because of that, we are able to totally let our guards down and allow our vulnerable areas to show. We can totally be ourselves without the fear that the other person is going to take advantage of a known weakness.

There's so much more I could add here, but to keep it short: the absolute best gauge of readiness is found in God's Word. If we measure ourselves by this, we'll find out just how close we are to being ready for a loving marriage relationship.

side question:
how do you know that you're in the right mindset (as a woman) to be in a serious relationship, one that could potentially lead to marriage?

A lot of this advice makes it seem like women are just READY emotionally for this kind of relationship, or for marriage even. The only lack of readiness that is pointed out is when the woman wants to accomplish some professional goals first.

By not being ready, i'm also not talking about a woman having the "I wanna live the single life" attitude, but i'm talking more about the emotional aspects...

Adult relationships seem like a lot of worrrkkk... being emotionally open, being extremely attentive to the person's feelings, making them happy even when you are having a bad day yourself, exposing your vulnerabilities to them...

I realize that all this stuff is important and necessary. When I hear you ladies say "within 6 months" for example, I am assuming that this level of openness HAS happened within those 6 months??

I guess I'd like to hear what exactly women are doing during the 6months-1 year period. How are you showing that you are indeed ready for something very serious like marriage, and not just in the sense of "i can cook, i can clean" but more like "i can be your emotional partner for life?"... if that makes sense