ITA on point! If he’s comfortable he will actually men in general will tell a woman what she wants to hear to pacify her so she’ll stop talking about it for a while so he can look for an exit after he lines up someone else.
#Watch out for the pacifier ring, some men who have a little money or know how to buy good cubic zirconia or moissanite will even gift a ring with no formal proposal ie the words are not said or they are but no marriage date will ever be set and then she’s off telling everyone she’s engaged. Its a blatant trick to lock you down without truly locking you down but these men rarely marry that woman they’ll marry someone else cause they’re still dating (that’s the rule) and if they can’t find anyone else after years of waiting he might finally marry her but that’s the exception.
You’ve gotten some good advice here, I agree with most of the points made. So this will sound harsh but I think it’s needed.
This is going to take to toughness on your part you appear to be much too concerned with his feelings, confronting him, upsetting him and less concerned with what you want and need, when this is really about about YOU. This is YOUR LIFE TAKE ACTION!
The only pass I’ll give a man for wasting my time for more than 6 months with no engagement or marriage within the next year is college aged men.... when I was also in college. Now I wouldn't advise my younger family members to wait on those guys either ( learned that the hard way). If he’s still in college, no real job, career still finding his way and being a mover shaker producer and on his grind but has made it clear that he wants marriage WITH YOU not just marriage someday with some woman in the future, then maybe stick around a while. But if she doesn’t get an engagement ring (not a baby promise ring saying I promise to promise to get engaged to you, but a real proposal) by junior or senior year and they’ve been together all that time. He’s a time waster and she needs to move on because cause he will.
Before a woman gets serious about a man there should be some data collected and some things established in the early getting to know each other phase first 1-2 months. Because you don’t want to end up in a relationship as a placeholder.
1. Is he truly SINGLE? Is he free and available to marry legally? I mean he doesn’t have a live in girlfriend, or boyfriend, friends with benefit arrangement, steady sugar baby prostitute situation, still having sex with his exes, still having sex with his baby mommas, ex wives is he separated? (If he’s separated he’s not available to you for marriage until he gets a divorce decree that you should lay eyes on or better yet go up to the court house and look it up with his legal name) Some men hang out for years in separation limbo so they never have to commit to the next woman that they will keep around but they also won’t leave their current wife.
2. Do you both want to get married? Or are you both marriage minded? You should be dating a man who wants to get married and is dating with the purpose and goal of finding his bride to marry. A woman should be weeding out the unsuitable chaff from her pool of potential suitors for the purpose of marriage. To assume that just because someone is out here dating automatically means that they’re dating with the ultimate goal of marriage is naive at best. Some men date for sex, notches on their bedposts, boredom, not to be lonely, not to have to do face their own shortcomings, internal demons and work in themselves physically, mentally emotionally, to get wife privilages without putting in the commitment or work. Some men have real issues and think that the love of a good woman and a hot plate will fix them, when they need some therapy sessions. Some are outright mentally unstable and need serious therapy and meds, they shouldn’t even be dating period. Learn the signs look for those signs.
3. Do you both want kids? How many? How do you want to raise those kids? Public or private school, religion, no religion? (this one can come a little later but before exclusive monogamous commitment, and before any sex) Are you ok with being a step mom, step mom drama from the kids, baby mamma drama? Are you ready to pay child support (possibly alimony too for his ex wife) for children that are not yours whom you have no legal or moral authority over if he stops working? (Cough Whitney Houston RIP)
4. What’s your spiritual beliefs? Protestant, Catholic, Muslim, Hindu, Atheist, Agnostic, Secular loosely believes in God but doesn’t practice any religion, spiritual not religious, Wicca Witch/Voodoist/sanitaria/satanist? Your spiritual practices must align you can’t count on him converting or you converting (just to please him-bad idea ) and blended spiritual practices that oppose each other never work and only confuse the children making them rebellious and out of control.
5. Is he who he says he is? In legal name, works, and deeds? If he says he’s this high powered businessman is that true or is it who he wants to be without taking any steps toward that goal, or is he just Pali out lying and he’s a no account bum to be something he’s not.
6. Does he have out of wedlock children, children form previous marriages, or is he a widower? How do YOU (not him) feel about that? Is that something you are willing to deal with. Don’t worry about being judged it’s your life annd you only get one go around so really think on what you do want to put up with and what you don’t want to put up with.
7. What kind of life do YOU want? Is he the kind of man who can give you the life you want? The way he is right now? (Act like you can’t change him because in reality, YOU CANT! )
Now project his behavior now to situations in the future. Do you want to be the one always having to take the initiative push, lead, get things done while he’s laid back chillin while you do everything to make the relationship work? Finances? Lifestyle, etc.... remeber the best predictor of future behavior is past behaviors. Past behaviors are facts, not ideas, theories, or dreams.
If any of these very important things do not align, or his vision goal answer does not line up with yours for your life then that’s a BIG RED FLAG!
Now, that college scenario does not apply to you. You are both real adults past school age and should have your jobs careers settled already. A man at his age and in his position should already know what he wants and how to get it. The fact that he has been in a relationship with you also a grown woman for 2 plus years and still hasn’t proposed marriage to you is a BIG HONKING RED FLAG!!!!
This man is 40 he’s not college aged, not a child, he should KNOW what he wants and what he doesn’t want and quite frankly him possibly stringing you along at his age is not only cruel, it’s bad form. If he has issues with commitment, marriage etc... then he needs therapy Red Flag!
not a girlfriend who’s marriage minded.
Those points I mentioned above should be the some groundwork of a serious relationship headed towards marriage these are things you must know before or at the start of commitment. It worries me that your so apprehensive to actually speak to him face to face what is is you really want point blank without worrying how that makes you look. At this point, who cares? You need to progress and move forward with your life.
If you’ve been with this man 2 plus years and you should be able to talk to him about your needs and wants without fear. You want to be married, live a certian kind of life, in a certain area of the country community, maybe have kids etc... whatever it is YOU want for your life write it down clarify it so that you can see if he’s actively working towards what you are or if he’s not. You shouldn’t have to ask a man who’s marriage minded about weather he wants to marry you or not, that convo should flow lead by him, not you.Since he hasn’t brought it up on his own. That’s a red flag
Do this in person in a quiet spot so you can read his face while he speaks and put on your best neutral poker face. Point blank ask him about what he sees in his future, then keep quiet let him talk and really listen. If you don’t hear WE as in you and him specifically he’s playing the we game, we will this, and we will that, it’s we but it’s him and some other future woman, not you and him we. Don’t get flustered, don’t interrupt. Then follow up with when are we going to get engaged, When are we going to get married? Then wait, listen, read his face. Don’t give him an out, wait for a real answer don’t let him change the subject if he tries tell him, it‘s been 2 years and you deserve to know where this is going. Whatever answer he gives you stay neutral go home or send him home and process what he said, and didnt say his facial expressions objectively. This man should be showing you that he’s serious not you fishing, nudging he needs to be a man and take the lead. If he’s not that’s a Red Flag!
If you ask him are we getting engaged he might say sure but there’s no weight or commitment or actual dates laid out. Don’t give him an easy side step or an out you need to know and you need to know now.
You may want to look into counseling/therapy because not being able to assert your needs as a grown woman is going to hurt you in any relationship.
Hope this helps.
I suggest you look up Deborah Cooper and Rabbi Friedman they have some good points and things to look out for of course not everything they say will apply.
That’s a non answer meant to pacify you. A 40 year old man knows if he wants to marry you or not after 2 years of dating. OP, you already sensed this hence why you started this thread. There’s tons of great advice in this thread. Listen to them. This dude knows you’re scared to leave him and end up alone. So he’ll waste as much of your time as you allow then marry the next chick in 6 months or less.
