How Long is Too Long?

[neenzmj]

How long is too long to stay with someone hoping that he’ll finally decide to make a commitment of marriage? I’m 45 years old now, and sometimes I look back on the time I wasted while waiting and hoping for a guy to get his act together and decide he’s ready to be married.

In my particular example, I dealt with someone for 2 ½ years, and in that time I did all I could to show him just how wonderful I was – preparing meals, being supportive of him, giving him all the “benefits” which he had not earned. (Of course in retrospect, why would he have married me – he was getting all the benefits?) But that was 2 ½ years of my life that I’ll never get back, and for what? I’ve been married 13 years now and my husband has taught me this: it doesn’t take forever for a man to decide he wants to be married. A man who is ready to be married and who is ready to marry YOU will do just that, and you don’t have to wait 10 years, 5 years, or even 2 years for that matter. I believe that when we truly begin to realize our value – the valuable and special individuals God made us – we’ll stop waiting around forever hoping someone finally recognizes our value, too.

So ladies, what’s your opinion – how long is too long?

 

[weaveologist]

When you are tired of waiting.

Too long for me may be just enough time for another woman. A lot of it depends on age as well. Waiting 5 yrs to marry someone that you have been dating since you were a sophomore in highschool is different than waiting those many years at age 25.

I think a lot of people rush into marriage because they feel like they shouldn't "wait". Rushing has gotten some couples into a marriage that didn't last. But then some women wait around until the Lord comes.

I am not one to advice/answer anything but I do what's best for ME and MY relationship.

 

[kbody4]

How long is too long to stay with someone hoping that he’ll finally decide to make a commitment of marriage? I’m 45 years old now, and sometimes I look back on the time I wasted while waiting and hoping for a guy to get his act together and decide he’s ready to be married.

In my particular example, I dealt with someone for 2 ½ years, and in that time I did all I could to show him just how wonderful I was – preparing meals, being supportive of him, giving him all the “benefits” which he had not earned. (Of course in retrospect, why would he have married me – he was getting all the benefits?) But that was 2 ½ years of my life that I’ll never get back, and for what? I’ve been married 13 years now and my husband has taught me this: it doesn’t take forever for a man to decide he wants to be married. A man who is ready to be married and who is ready to marry YOU will do just that, and you don’t have to wait 10 years, 5 years, or even 2 years for that matter. I believe that when we truly begin to realize our value – the valuable and special individuals God made us – we’ll stop waiting around forever hoping someone finally recognizes our value, too.

So ladies, what’s your opinion – how long is too long?

I just wanted to say that your husband is right! My dad always told me this and I never forgot it. As for how long? Well, I think 6 months to a year is enough time to decide if he wants a future with me. I dated a guy 2 years, and to me that was way too long for him to decide. When I broke up with him, he had the nerve to say that I ended things too soon

 

[neenzmj]

Exactly! That's what happened when I finally got sense enough to end it with the guy of 2 1/2 years. He had the audacity to say "I was just coming your way?" What? Really? I've been here 2 1/2 years and you're JUST NOW coming my way? PAH-LEEZE! erplexed That brotha would have ridden it out as long as I let him.

Life is too short for foolishness.

I just wanted to say that your husband is right! My dad always told me this and I never forgot it. As for how long? Well, I think 6 months to a year is enough time to decide if he wants a future with me. I dated a guy 2 years, and to me that was way too long for him to decide. When I broke up with him, he had the nerve to say that I ended things too soon

 

[Bunny77]

I just wanted to say that your husband is right! My dad always told me this and I never forgot it. As for how long? Well, I think 6 months to a year is enough time to decide if he wants a future with me. I dated a guy 2 years, and to me that was way too long for him to decide. When I broke up with him, he had the nerve to say that I ended things too soon

I agree with this.

With the exception of college students and perhaps the recently graduated (ages 23 to maybe 26), you don't need that long to date and decide whether you want to marry.

 

[weaveologist]

Are you all saying that six months to 2 years is long enough to get married or engaged?

 

[ThickHair]

I am 37, been married before and I don't want kids, so right now, 2 years is perfect for me. I told my current SO that I don't intend on being a girlfriend forever. He is 6 years younger than me so we will see how that goes. He has also been married before.

 

[Bunny77]

Are you all saying that six months to 2 years is long enough to get married or engaged?

Yep. Sure do!

 

[weaveologist]

Yep. Sure do!

No I mean engaged or married. Meaning do you expect to be engaged within this 6 months to two years or married within 6 months to two years?

 

[LBoogie]

Are you all saying that six months to 2 years is long enough to get married or engaged?

I was engaged after 4 months of serious dating...married now (our anniversary is next month and this has been the fastest year IN LIFE). never been happier.

I also prior to DH had one 4 year relationship and one 3 year relationship. Both with men I shouldn't have entertained in the first place, the second I TOLD him I would never marry him, so I wasn't waiting on anything but for him to get away from me. He was ....the first was college love, we were engaged once he got drafted to play pro ball (after dating for a year).

I believe that it doesn't take a man more than a year at most to KNOW if he wants to marry a woman.

 

[Bunny77]

No I mean engaged or married. Meaning do you expect to be engaged within this 6 months to two years or married within 6 months to two years?

Oh okay! Gotcha!

Well for me at 31, I wouldn't wait longer than two years for a proposal, and that's pushing it.

Ideally, if I'm in a relationship and things are going well, I think anywhere from 6-18 months would be a good time for a proposal. In my head, six months seems like such a short period, but the more I talk to people in happy marriages, the more that I learn that short courtships are more common than I thought.

Seems like many of those do better than the super-long dating forever couples.

 

[cheetarah1980]

No more than 6 months to decide if you're someone he would like to marry. Maybe another 6 months to ensure you're the one he wants to marry.

 

[CAPlush]

I liked Steve Harvey's book a lot. When it came out, some friends of mine were upset because it made men look 1-D, but my personal situation as well as many of my friends were described exactly, to a T, in that book. I think men are complex, but 99.9% of them are not complex when it comes to the woman they love and want to be with. I appreciate the book, Steve is addressing a problem that a lot of women have and can't get any straight up advice. An ultimatum is un-romantic and most women don't view themselves as some one who would do something like that. But out of all of our couple-friends, all but one woman used an ultimatum. It is the only way to either get married, or disentangle yourself from being dragged through some 5-10 year or more agonizing drama, ending in an anti-climactic wedding where the bride is scowling because the groom made her wait and she can't get over that. I used an ultimatum, and got married right on time. I just went to a wedding last weekend where the bride used an ultimatum. It's not as horrible as you think, waiting is much worse.

 

[neenzmj]

Bunny77, you're right and I firmly believe that a man who enters the relationship with honorable intentions can decide fairly quickly whether he wants to commit to a woman.

My husband and I had an EXTREMELY short courtship (3 months to be exact) and I'm certainly not saying that as a recommendation, but we've been married 13 years now and the relationship just keeps getting sweeter. One of the main reasons that it didn't take forever was the fact that my husband was at place in his life where he was ready for commitment.

Oh okay! Gotcha!

Well for me at 31, I wouldn't wait longer than two years for a proposal, and that's pushing it.

Ideally, if I'm in a relationship and things are going well, I think anywhere from 6-18 months would be a good time for a proposal. In my head, six months seems like such a short period, but the more I talk to people in happy marriages, the more that I learn that short courtships are more common than I thought.

Seems like many of those do better than the super-long dating forever couples.

 

[Bunny77]

I liked Steve Harvey's book a lot. When it came out, some friends of mine were upset because it made men look 1-D, but my personal situation as well as many of my friends were described exactly, to a T, in that book. I think men are complex, but 99.9% of them are not complex when it comes to the woman they love and want to be with. I appreciate the book, Steve is addressing a problem that a lot of women have and can't get any straight up advice. An ultimatum is un-romantic and most women don't view themselves as some one who would do something like that. But out of all of our couple-friends, all but one woman used an ultimatum. It is the only way to either get married, or disentangle yourself from being dragged through some 5-10 year or more agonizing drama, ending in an anti-climactic wedding where the bride is scowling because the groom made her wait and she can't get over that. I used an ultimatum, and got married right on time. I just went to a wedding last weekend where the bride used an ultimatum. It's not as horrible as you think, waiting is much worse.

The guy who wrote the book, "When Men Marry Some Women and Not Others," also said that 73% (I think) of women who married put some kind of pressure on their boyfriends to propose.

Heck, even Michelle Obama did that, because Barack at first was talking about how marriage wasn't important to him, blah blah blah... but Michelle said that she planned to be married.

The problem is, I think that ultimatum might be the wrong word for it, or some women do it wrong... You don't get with a dude and stay with him for umpteen years, have some babies by him and then say, "If you don't marry me by April 14, 2009, I'm leaving."

You establish at the beginning of the relationship that you plan to be married, and that you aren't going to spend too much time just being someone's girlfriend. That's how you let him know what you expect, and he can either comply or move on.

 

[LivingDoll]

This is a great thread.

 

[CAPlush]

The guy who wrote the book, "When Men Marry Some Women and Not Others," also said that 73% (I think) of women who married put some kind of pressure on their boyfriends to propose.

Heck, even Michelle Obama did that, because Barack at first was talking about how marriage wasn't important to him, blah blah blah... but Michelle said that she planned to be married.

The problem is, I think that ultimatum might be the wrong word for it, or some women do it wrong... You don't get with a dude and stay with him for umpteen years, have some babies by him and then say, "If you don't marry me by April 14, 2009, I'm leaving."

You establish at the beginning of the relationship that you plan to be married, and that you aren't going to spend too much time just being someone's girlfriend. That's how you let him know what you expect, and he can either comply or move on.

Wow, I didn't know that. I knew Barack pursued her initially, I never imagined that she had to push him towards marriage. I don't think ultimatum is the right word either, but I don't have another word for it. It's so, just not how most women think their proposals will happen, most women want a surprise romantic event with a story they can tell their great-grand children, not "I twisted his arm and dragged him down the aisle, and thank god I did because you would have never been born." I think a lot of women screw themselves from the outset by downplaying how important marriage is to them to their SO. "Oh, I'm not one of those desperate women who just want to get married." I'm not saying you need to bring up marriage or children on a first date, but by the time you become an exclusive couple, there should be a way forward to engagement and marriage for people in their late 20s or older.

 

[1Aleeesha]

How long is too long to stay with someone hoping that he’ll finally decide to make a commitment of marriage? I’m 45 years old now, and sometimes I look back on the time I wasted while waiting and hoping for a guy to get his act together and decide he’s ready to be married.

In my particular example, I dealt with someone for 2 ½ years, and in that time I did all I could to show him just how wonderful I was – preparing meals, being supportive of him, giving him all the “benefits” which he had not earned. (Of course in retrospect, why would he have married me – he was getting all the benefits?) But that was 2 ½ years of my life that I’ll never get back, and for what? I’ve been married 13 years now and my husband has taught me this: it doesn’t take forever for a man to decide he wants to be married. A man who is ready to be married and who is ready to marry YOU will do just that, and you don’t have to wait 10 years, 5 years, or even 2 years for that matter. I believe that when we truly begin to realize our value – the valuable and special individuals God made us – we’ll stop waiting around forever hoping someone finally recognizes our value, too.

So ladies, what’s your opinion – how long is too long?

I agree men don't do anything that they don't want to do and you can't even make them. And when they want to do something you can tell that just as easily as 123.

I say it's too long when you start feeling tired of "waiting" for him to see your value... By then you can see that he's not going to change - and by then you know who you are dealing with. Yes and that given that it's been established in the beginning what you are looking for.

 

[weaveologist]

I agree with everything that is being said in this thread. I personally do not believe that I know myself well enough in the relationship after a year to marry someone, let-a-lone know him well enough, but thats my to each its own. But definetly a man knows who he wants to marry after a few months. Anytime spent after that should be a consistent and intentional migration towards marriage.

 

[neenzmj]

weaveologist:

I was 19 the first time I got married -- too darned young to have a clue about myself and what I wanted in a man and a relationship, but by the time I did get a clue, we were already married. Notice I said the "first time" I got married. Again, hindsight is 20/20, but knowing what I know now, I wish someone had told me to take some time to know who I was before getting into a serious relationship.

I agree with everything that is being said in this thread. I personally do not believe that I know myself well enough in the relationship after a year to marry someone, let-a-lone know him well enough, but thats my to each its own. But definetly a man knows who he wants to marry after a few months. Anytime spent after that should be a consistent and intentional migration towards marriage.

 

[Highly Favored8]

IMHO now that I am older and been married once now divorced.

That 6 months-1 year is ample enough time for a man to decide to marry me I let the men know up front what I am expecting out of the realtionship spoken with confidence and yes a engagement came out of that until the man showed his A@@ now he is ghost. Another older gent. I am speaking too I told him my intentions and what I want out of our realtionship and he wants the same thing- so we shall see. With this man and the first man I made my intentions known early in the realtionship- We shall see.

 

[Bunny77]

Wow, I didn't know that. I knew Barack pursued her initially, I never imagined that she had to push him towards marriage. I don't think ultimatum is the right word either, but I don't have another word for it. It's so, just not how most women think their proposals will happen, most women want a surprise romantic event with a story they can tell their great-grand children, not "I twisted his arm and dragged him down the aisle, and thank god I did because you would have never been born." I think a lot of women screw themselves from the outset by downplaying how important marriage is to them to their SO. "Oh, I'm not one of those desperate women who just want to get married." I'm not saying you need to bring up marriage or children on a first date, but by the time you become an exclusive couple, there should be a way forward to engagement and marriage for people in their late 20s or older.

Here's the Barack and Michelle thing... he definitely pursued her as a girlfriend, but she had to push marriage!

And yes, I used to play that, "Oh, I couldn't care less if I get married or not," thing with men I dated... well, no wonder I would then complain about how I couldn't find guys who wanted to commit, only guys that wanted to date! Duh on me!

Like you said, you don't have to talk about these things on a first date, but if you've been asked on future dates by a person, then you should absolutely say how you feel before you invest too much time into the wrong person.


http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/03/10/080310fa_fact_collins/?currentPage=5

Barack had a more bohemian attitude toward romance. “We would have this running debate throughout our relationship about whether marriage was necessary,” Michelle Obama told me. “It was sort of a bone of contention, because I was, like, ‘Look, buddy, I’m not one of these who’ll just hang out forever.’ You know, that’s just not who I am. He was, like”—she broke into a wishy-washy voice—“ ‘Marriage, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s really how you feel.’ And I was, like, ‘Yeah, right.’ ” Eventually, he proposed to her over dinner at Gordon, a restaurant in Chicago. “He took me out to a nice dinner under the guise of celebrating the fact that he had finished the bar,” Obama recalled. “And he got me into one of these discussions again, where, you know, he sort of just led me down there and got fired up and it’s like you’ve got blah blah blah blah, and then dessert comes out, the tray comes out, and there’s a ring!”

 

[neenzmj]

I love the Obama/Michelle story. Thanks for sharing it.

I didn't have to do much in the way of stating my expectations, although I did force him to make a decision one day when I said, "Ok, so what are doing here?" My husband told me that made him stop and ask himself the question. He says he took a moment and thought about it and realized that yes, indeed... he DID want to be in a committed relationship and that he wanted marriage to be a part of it.

Look, I was 30-something at the time -- it was time out for playin' games!

 

[Prose Princess]

Hmmm this sounds like yet another reason for me to move on from my current relationship. Although we are young and still have one more year to go in college, we have been together for four years and he has not let on that he wants to marry me since the relationship was new. He says it's because we're not living together

 

[Farida]

most men will know, 6 months into it, whether they would even consider marrying you. They may want to wait longer to let the relationship blossom, achieve goals or whatever else is delaying the marriage. But most of them KNOW, even if they don't say anything.

If a year goes by and a man hasn't even hypothetically broached the subject of marriage/the future, chances are it isn't on his mind.

I personally, if I were a graduated, working woman, would not wait longer than 2 years for a man to propose to me. If you are young, broke and/or in school, you can wait 5 years or whatever, and even then by then he should've told you his exact plans for you.

 

[classylayd]

I don't think there really is a wrong or a right answer to this. I started dating my husband at 20, married at 26 and going 3 years strong with a one year old. We never lived with each other until we got married. If I were to do it all over again I would wait until I was 26. You just do what you feel is right for you. No one can say what time is too long or too short.

 

[Bunny77]

Hmmm this sounds like yet another reason for me to move on from my current relationship. Although we are young and still have one more year to go in college, we have been together for four years and he has not let on that he wants to marry me since the relationship was new. He says it's because we're not living together

OOH, that's a trap right there!

I knew many couples that started dating in college and then got married soon after graduation. There was none of this talk about living together first... plus, that often delays marriage even more because dude gets all the benefits of having a wife without actually getting married.

I'm glad you're seeing the writing on the wall! Good luck to you!

 

[neenzmj]

Prose Princess:

Your situation sounds a bit similar to my daughter's. She was dating a guy from WAY back in high school (she's in her last year of college now.) They "talked" about marriage once they graduated, but along the way, he'd break up with her saying that he felt pressured, or needed to concentrate on school... blah blah blah. They'd get back together only to break up again. Meanwhile, my daughter was holding out all hope that he'd get his act together and she'd get to realize her dream of marrying him. As a mother, I tried to tell her that he wasn't ready for marriage nor was she. She wasn't hearing me and she had to go through a few more breakups and the additional heartache before she said "ENOUGH." She finally realized they were trying to press for something that neither of them was ready for. She says she's found peace in the fact that if it's meant to happen, it will. She was sad for awhile because she really had her hopes set on it, but now she seems much happier being free from the wondering if it's going to happen.

Hmmm this sounds like yet another reason for me to move on from my current relationship. Although we are young and still have one more year to go in college, we have been together for four years and he has not let on that he wants to marry me since the relationship was new. He says it's because we're not living together

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I don't think there really is a wrong or a right answer to this. I started dating my husband at 20, married at 26 and going 3 years strong with a one year old. We never lived with each other until we got married. If I were to do it all over again I would wait until I was 26. You just do what you feel is right for you. No one can say what time is too long or too short.

I sometimes think that the younger you are, the more time you may take because you have your whole life ahead of you, why the rush? On the other hand, you have seniors, folks in their 60's 70's who may date only a maybe 6 months before marrying because they feel time is not on their side and they don't want to waste it simple dating but being married to one another.

It's all boils down to where you are at in life.

Congrats to you and your DH!

 

[aribell]

I agree with this.

With the exception of college students and perhaps the recently graduated (ages 23 to maybe 26), you don't need that long to date and decide whether you want to marry.

I personally, if I were a graduated, working woman, would not wait longer than 2 years for a man to propose to me. If you are young, broke and/or in school, you can wait 5 years or whatever, and even then by then he should've told you his exact plans for you.

I do believe that age matters a lot, but like the bolded says, just because he wants to wait doesn't mean that he won't at least say what his intentions are. I can understand wanting to wait when you're college/recently graduated age, but I wouldn't assume anything about his intentions or where the relationship is going that hasn't been explicitly stated.