How can I not feel selfish?

[Au-natural]

My boyfriend and I planned a fun filled long weekend for Thanksgiving, we are abt 1000 miles away from his hometown, today His mother sent him... And only him and our daughter an invitation to visit her for thanksgiving and offered to pay for half of his ticket. His mother has cancer, and she was recently up here to visit us and I completely took care of her her entire visit as my bf had to work. My bf and I are currently pinching every penny. And his half of the ticket is $200, mind you the following week is our daughters birthday, rent and bills. I can't help but feel in between a rock and a hard place, now our holiday plans are cancelled, I won't spend time with him or my daughter for thanksgiving, we have to rethink our plans for her birthday money wise, and on the flip side that's his mother, who wanted to see him and her grandchild who has a terminal sickness. I know I can't win but I feel terrible.

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[Triniwegian]

She specifically requested that only him and your daughter would come???
I wouldn't want to come even if she asked me at a later time...**** that.
If your SO decides to go without you, I would just go home to MY family. I cannot believe she did that after you took care of her... Did something happen? Did your SO tell her something?

 

[hopeful]

I would be pissed. Disrespectful of his mother and him IMO.

 

[Au-natural]

Well he's the only boy and he moved away from his hometown to be with me. They (sisters, mother and aunt) hated me since then. I want to be selfish but his mother may die... So I want to support him. I feel left out for the umteenth time. But how can I even expect anything else apart from him leaving to be with his mother...

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[Au-natural]

I just feel so confused... His mother has cancer but I really can't help feeling really messed up.

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[frostydoll]

I think it's really disrespectful for them to expect your child to be away from you on a holiday. I might understand her inviting him, and I would be fine w/ him going although salty about it, but my child wouldn't be going somewhere I'm not welcome family or not...

 

[MamaBear2012]

What did he say? He's fine with taking your daughter and going to visit his mom and leaving you on Thanksgiving?

 

[Klearli]

How does your bf feel about the whole thing?

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[frizzy]

Honestly, I would leave the decision 100% up to him.

If he wants to go and take your daughter, let him go. My first thought was that maybe she can only afford to pay for half the tickets for the two of them, but it sounds like there may be more to it. Let him do what he wants to do and don't harbor any hard feelings if he decides to go without you. His mother is dying and money is tight, but I wouldn't want to be the reason he didn't get a chance to spend time with his mother while he could.

I also wouldn't take a position when the rent is due and your daughter is looking for a gift/party, let him figure it out. Good luck.

 

[Au-natural]

Plain and simple, he feels like his mother may die and he wants to spend this time with her. But I'm sad... Maybe I shouldn't think so deep into it or take it personal? It's a relief that there are other women who understand my feelings.

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[Au-natural]

Sounds like a plan!

frizzy


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[tibb1908]

I don't think you're being selfish regarding your feelings about the situation because it's natural that you would want to be with them on the holiday. However, I agree with
Frizzy leave it up to him but don't make a big deal about it even if he does go. You don't want him to harbor feelings of resentment later on because he decided to stay home based on a conversation/disagreement with you, especially if something tragic happens.

 

[Au-natural]

Well bought the ticket and is leaving Wednesday and returning Friday. He called me selfish.... I said to him he doesn't understand how I feel and what I'm going through, with having a partner who has a terminally ill parent. And the fact that he is so far away with me and the ill parent doesn't care for me... He asked why does everything have to be about me... I just took a long sigh and began to deeply about the future of our relationship. With that comment from him I begin to see the resentment already building.

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[Au-natural]

I stressed the fact that one of my major concerns was the money, his concern is not seeing his mother for thanksgiving because this may be her last but I'm thinking in terms of money... Seeing her the day after or the week after to save money would have been thinking smart... We wouldn't be behind and he would still see his mother... But he doesn't see it that way.

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[Leigh]

He should go and you and the daughter should follow the next day. The mother only paid for part of his ticket but that was still nice.

I would ignore the fact that she left me off the invitation. Anyway it's too late to do that since everything is already arranged. So now you really have to take your feelings out it and overlook the slight. If his mom dies soon he will feel better because he saw her.

In the meantime get the house ready and plan fun things for Friday and Saturday. You can have your Thanksgiving dinner when they get back.

Please don't be resentful or get into all that they don't like me mess. You'll have him back on Friday. Focus on that! Much love! I hope it works out.

 

[Leigh]

I stressed the fact that one of my major concerns was the money, his concern is not seeing his mother for thanksgiving because this may be her last but I'm thinking in terms of money... Seeing her the day after or the week after to save money would have been thinking smart... We wouldn't be behind and he would still see his mother... But he doesn't see it that way.

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It would be smart if you can guarantee she'll be alive and able to interact with him next week. But since no one knows it's better safe than sorry.

 

[TayMac]

That's a tough situation. I'm not surprised you feel hurt. Is mother actually dying..like the doctors said weeks to live or is she undergoing treatment?

His mother is sick and has some sort of grudge against you. That's petty of her IMO.
If you all had gone together maybe you could have had early birthday celebration for your daughter including that side of the family.

 

[frostydoll]

My issue is that they already knew she had cancer before they made their own Thanksgiving plans. If my mother or my DH's mother had cancer and we thought she was going to die soon, we would have made plans to be where she was for that holiday anyway and celebrated the daughter's bday there as well. It just comes across as really petty, and like the mother is using her illness to get in between their relationship.

His mom sounds like the type to be on Maury saying "that aint my son baby and i won't let him take care of the child." As soon as the OP stated that he's the only boy and his mom and sisters have issues that he left them to come stay w/ her and their child I knew what was up.

 

[nappystorm]

I stressed the fact that one of my major concerns was the money, his concern is not seeing his mother for thanksgiving because this may be her last but I'm thinking in terms of money... Seeing her the day after or the week after to save money would have been thinking smart... We wouldn't be behind and he would still see his mother... But he doesn't see it that way.

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I'm going to keep it real. I think you are being selfish too. I'm family oriented so I would give someone a serious sideeye who opts to spend the holidays with a GIRLFRIEND rather than a dying mother. Holidays are very sentimental for people and this may be her last. I'm not much of a holiday person but I can understand how seeing someone during the holiday is more meaningful than seeing them the week afterward. I know you think she's being petty (and I agree somewhat) but if you were dying, would you really want to spend your final days with someone you didn't like? Better yet, what if it was your mother dying and she didn't care for your bf? Would you go see her a week later?

ETA: I would do like another poster said and go see my family/friends.

 

[sky_blu]

Well what's done is done. I wouldn't want to spend time away from my child on the holidays, so I would let him go alone if we all couldn't go. And as far as his mother being petty, she's dying, I'd give her a pass. My mother just passed away from cancer in July and if I was a 1k miles away from her and my rent was due the next day without thinking I would've spent my rent money to see her. No questions, no 2nd thoughts. This is a situation where I would put my personal issues with it to the side and let him do what he needs to do to comfort his mother. Hopefully everything works out for the best OP.

 

[frostydoll]

nappystorm if I was dying I would be trying to make amends w/ everyone... especially someone who my son obviously loves and has started a family with. Maybe it's just me or how I was raised, but once you have a child w/ someone they're family. My mom isn't the biggest fan of my sisters child's father, but he always is invited to family events.

 

[nappystorm]

@nappystorm if I was dying I would be trying to make amends w/ everyone... especially someone who my son obviously loves and has started a family with. Maybe it's just me or how I was raised, but once you have a child w/ someone they're family. My mom isn't the biggest fan of my sisters child's father, but he always is invited to family events.

frostydoll I'm all for being cordial and I wouldn't turn them away if the showed up but I've never believed in extending obligatory invitations for people I don't care for

 

[frostydoll]

frostydoll I'm all for being cordial and I wouldn't turn them away if the showed up but I've never believed in extending obligatory invitations for people I don't care for

nappystorm
I understand that sentiment, but it's family period. She's a mother who wants her son w/ her for the holidays, but wants the OP to be okay not spending the holiday w/ her own child. Yes having cancer means she may die, but at the same time we all may die at any point in time. I just think it's petty and she's using her illness as a way to get away w/ her pettiness...

 

[nappystorm]

@nappystorm
I understand that sentiment, but it's family period. She's a mother who wants her son w/ her for the holidays, but wants the OP to be okay not spending the holiday w/ her own child. Yes having cancer means she may die, but at the same time we all may die at any point in time. I just think it's petty and she's using her illness as a way to get away w/ her pettiness...

frostydoll Again, I agree about the mama being petty/messy but I think the OP should "take one for the team" this one time. I will admit, I'm on the fence about sending the baby though.

 

[frostydoll]

frostydoll Again, I agree about the mama being petty/messy but I think the OP should "take one for the team" this one time. I will admit, I'm on the fence about sending the baby though.

Yea me taking one for the team would be letting him go, but my child stays with me. I'm not sending my child anywhere that I'm not welcome, because trust they will be talking about me and I don't want my child to hear it.

 

[nappystorm]

Yea me taking one for the team would be letting him go, but my child stays with me. I'm not sending my child anywhere that I'm not welcome, because trust they will be talking about me and I don't want my child to hear it.

For me, that would depend on a few things. I despise my cousin's wife but I would never talk bad about her around the kids nor would I treat them differently. All families aren't like that though If I didn't have close family or friends, I wouldn't send the baby nor if I was a new mom.

 

[RocStar]

Well bought the ticket and is leaving Wednesday and returning Friday. He called me selfish.... I said to him he doesn't understand how I feel and what I'm going through, with having a partner who has a terminally ill parent. And the fact that he is so far away with me and the ill parent doesn't care for me... He asked why does everything have to be about me... I just took a long sigh and began to deeply about the future of our relationship. With that comment from him I begin to see the resentment already building.

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I understand where you are coming from, however, maybe try to think about it from his perspective.

He has a parent, that he is obviously close with, that is dying. That alone is a lot to have on your mind. And then to have your girlfriend talking about me, me, me...doesn't really help.

I think your feelings are valid, but you want to tread very carefully on this topic. If you want to talk about resentment building, just think what could happen if he ever feels like you stopped him from seeing him mom before she died. I say let this one go, and be a supportive girlfriend. $200 isn't worth it in the end.

 

[LiftedUp]

@nappystorm if I was dying I would be trying to make amends w/ everyone... especially someone who my son obviously loves and has started a family with. Maybe it's just me or how I was raised, but once you have a child w/ someone they're family. My mom isn't the biggest fan of my sisters child's father, but he always is invited to family events.

Once you marry someone they automatically become family and deserve the basic respect as the relative's spouse. Other than that it is what it is.

I think that his mother is trying to form a relationship with her grandchild and strengthen her bond with her son in her final days. Though it is hurtful that she excluded you, sometimes in life not everyone is respectful of our feelings.

I can understand why you would feel hurt, but this maybe the last time for your bf's mother to spend time with her son and grandchild and I suppose that is why your bf is asking you indirectly to put yourself in his shoes and what he's going through.

Also, it's the child's father so I do not see the issue as to why she cannot spend time with her father's family without her mother present.

 

[frostydoll]

^^^ I disagree... I know that marriage makes the person legally family, but having a child w/ them makes them family in the non-legal sense. I think it would be extremely selfish of someone to tell me days before a holiday that not only will I not be with my significant other, but I also won't be w/ my child. I'm assuming that the plans were for them only, since she hasn't mentioned other family.

Either way it's not something I ever see being an issue, because both sides of our family would never do this and trust if this happens before their married and he doesn't put his foot down it will continue when/if they actually do get married. His sisters will just take over for their mother....

Anywho, I hope the OP finds some comfort during the holiday season...

 

[Klearli]

If he wants to go and doesn't see a problem with the invite, there will always prolly be problems with the family excluding OP, because he's not standing up for you.

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