Am I Being Selfish?
- Thread starter PeaceLover
- Start date
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Yes
. And learning to accept people for who they are and show you who they are vs. who they say they are and who you want them to be.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
im team you all the way you need a got damn break
and his son ok..but NO im not spending my summer taking care of his niece and nephew..where the fluck are their parents...oh yeah home getting a break!!!
NO you need a break and i hope you get it!!! and he need to get his mind right judging you but being home for 6 months....he should be making your life absolutely happy and joyful because he has the time to do so!!!!
you got me effed up all the way.....good luck and i get your peace and serenity back..dude sound ridiculous and high maintenance AF!!!
im out as my blood pressure went up reading this whole thing
and his son ok..but NO im not spending my summer taking care of his niece and nephew..where the fluck are their parents...oh yeah home getting a break!!!
NO you need a break and i hope you get it!!! and he need to get his mind right judging you but being home for 6 months....he should be making your life absolutely happy and joyful because he has the time to do so!!!!
you got me effed up all the way.....good luck and i get your peace and serenity back..dude sound ridiculous and high maintenance AF!!!
im out as my blood pressure went up reading this whole thing
PeaceLover
Well-Known Member
*sighs* this is hard
Bunnyhaslonghair
Ebonics Queen
Op. Woman to woman and with love, I think you need to revaluate some things before you get married. You will become family and your responsibility over these kids will only grow. I know you have mentioned other problems as well. You have taken on so much already just being a fiance.
I could not do it.
I could not do it.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
Yes. But you will pay one way or the other. It is hard now. It will be much harder later. But it is your choice. You are a young, educated woman with only one child and pursuing a doctorate. You are a catch hunty. Do whatever is best for you and your baby girl. You ain't gots to explain nothing to nobody either.
God_Favor
Well-Known Member
Exactly!!
God_Favor
Well-Known Member
What's going on? Is he feeling better?
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
Right! I was all ****ed up too reading the update! Like who tf?! Wtf?! Wwhhhhhyy?!im team you all the way you need a got damn break
and his son ok..but NO im not spending my summer taking care of his niece and nephew..where the fluck are their parents...oh yeah home getting a break!!!
NO you need a break and i hope you get it!!! and he need to get his mind right judging you but being home for 6 months....he should be making your life absolutely happy and joyful because he has the time to do so!!!!
you got me effed up all the way.....good luck and i get your peace and serenity back..dude sound ridiculous and high maintenance AF!!!
im out as my blood pressure went up reading this whole thing
Him and his kids/nieces/nephews is all high maintenance for real! I mean op you might have messed up saying yoi would cook dinner but didnt but the rest of the situation sounds over the top!
OP, is he this involved with your dd when she's home? Does he take up the slack? He is home now: is he doing home repairs or anything around the house? He looking for side work to not drain his savings? What is he doing besides making these heavy demands?
Tbh, i think most of this is poor communication on both your parts. Did he explain his expectations of reslonsibilities to his young family members? Did you lay down boundaries upfront (ie, imma be off duty x days a week on x, y, and z days and aint hearing **** about these kids)?
I think this can be salvaged with unemotional conversations of what you two want this to look like going forward. It will take a lot of work though. However if he doesnt respect your boundaries then...
sky_blu
Well-Known Member
Agreed with the majority. I don't think its selfish at all AND 9 & 12 yr olds are pretty self sufficient so whether he's sick or not they can manage. Unfortunately us as women take majority of the responsibility of household and childrearing all while working and educating ourselves.
PeaceLover
Well-Known Member
I don't mind about taking care of his kids too. I love them. It's just that why can't I have a break. Yes, this is a lot, but I'm glad it's happening now instead of after the marriage. At least I know. I'm thinking hard, but the chances that I'll leave him are slim. Everyone is expecting a marriage and it scares me to be single again honestly.
PeaceLover
Well-Known Member
Your advice is always amazing. I wish I could have the courage to just do it. I weighing my options, but honestly I'm going to stay and try to work through it. I just want him to do better and consider me more.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
....not the greatest reasons to move forward
PeaceLover
Well-Known Member
Yes, he's feeling much better! The vibe is awkward in the house because we have argued all day. He's gone over his friend's house now so he should be in a better mood when he gets home. I'm calmer too so we're going to have a long talk instead of arguing. I'm writing down my talking points now lol
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Your life, your choice. I wish you nothing but happiness. Good luck.
PeaceLover
Well-Known Member
Right! I was all ****** up too reading the update! Like who tf?! Wtf?! Wwhhhhhyy?!
Him and his kids/nieces/nephews is all high maintenance for real! I mean op you might have messed up saying yoi would cook dinner but didnt but the rest of the situation sounds over the top!
OP, is he this involved with your dd when she's home? Does he take up the slack? He is home now: is he doing home repairs or anything around the house? He looking for side work to not drain his savings? What is he doing besides making these heavy demands?
Tbh, i think most of this is poor communication on both your parts. Did he explain his expectations of reslonsibilities to his young family members? Did you lay down boundaries upfront (ie, imma be off duty x days a week on x, y, and z days and aint hearing **** about these kids)?
I think this can be salvaged with unemotional conversations of what you two want this to look like going forward. It will take a lot of work though. However if he doesnt respect your boundaries then...
No, he hardly ever does anything with DD, but she's very attached to me and I RARELY ask. Last month we had a disagreement because when I got off work one day I was cooking dinner and she wanted to ride her bike. I asked him to take her and he told me he didn't feel like it. I snapped. After that day he told me he will do more, but he hasn't had the opportunity to step up yet. We have been busy doing all of her extracurricular activities, we were at the beach for a week and we spent time with my parents before she left for the summer. When his son and niece was here they played nonstop for the that week so we both basically chilled and let them bond. I'm optimistic that he'll do better when school starts back! Usually, if something is a huge issue to me he will straighten up. That one of his good qualities.
He doesn't do hardly anything all day
He still takes care of his responsibilities (paying the bills) so I can't complain. We live in an apartment so he doesn't have to do repairs. Actually, we have been looking for a house and we made an offer on one yesterday morning. Our realtor will tell us something tomorrow. The plan is for him to move the stuff and do minor repairs & paint since he's off. He's looking forward to that to keep him busy until then.
Kurlee
Well-Known Member
Tough situation. I see both sides. Try to think about what you want long-term because it doesn't sound like this situation is it. Sometimes we get attached to people, but don't want the baggage they come with. Think about it.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
I don't think she 'treats her kid different'. I think her kid is FOUR and requires more attention than a 9 & 12 y.o.
That said, I don't think this is a leave-able offense. It's possible I missed the backstory, but I would just sit his @ss down and explain some things. He's taking your normal efforts for granted. That can be fixed.
@Zaynab, @Femmefatal1981 What say you?
That said, I don't think this is a leave-able offense. It's possible I missed the backstory, but I would just sit his @ss down and explain some things. He's taking your normal efforts for granted. That can be fixed.
@Zaynab, @Femmefatal1981 What say you?
PeaceLover
Well-Known Member
I'll just post my talking points in here so I will get feedback lol I was writing them down anyway:
1. I'm sorry that I said I would cook, but I didn't. I got carried away with time because my friend I rarely get to spend time together without the kids. We just got carried away. But this is the thing tho...you did not have been soooo upset over that minor mistake. When I ask you to do something like wash my car or take it to the shop I don't get upset and have an attitude with you when you forget because at the end of the day I love you and treat you the same. I don't give you a bullsh*t attitude over something so small. It should not been such a big deal! If you were bothered you should have just called me earlier.
2. You hold me to these super high standards that you don't hold yourself to. Totally unfair...I'm human. I make mistakes. Chill.
3. I need a break. That means no responsibility. I love your son, but I need some time because I take care of my daughter by myself. You get breaks all the time. I know you said you're going to step up more and I'm so grateful for that, but since I was taking care of her without help I'm still exhausted from that.
4. Last night you said "I don't do as much as I think I do" and that was super hurtful. I try my very best to run this household and balance everything else. You say I'm not slaying over a hot stove everyday because I use the crockpot a lot or grill some fish which doesn't take long, but you still eat right? Does it matter how long it took me?
5. You need to find a job or something to do temporarily. Do you remember when I asked you a while back if you'll still love me if I got super big? (this was a joking conversation and no offense to anyone) You reply was "Yes, as long as you don't change". Well, this is the same concept. I feel like that with your job situation. I don't care that you're not working right now because you still take care of your responsibilities...but I feel like you're changing. Your mood is different because you are not active. It was a different environment at home. I think if you find something to do everyday it will be a start and will make you feel better. You don't realize the small changes, but I do. I'm trying to understand your situation and be supportive so let me know if I can help you in any way.
Those are my talking points for tonight. This conversation is long overdue and I should have been communicating these things to him, but I'm not great at communicating. How does this sound? I want him to communicate back so I'm trying to lay this on really smoothly...
1. I'm sorry that I said I would cook, but I didn't. I got carried away with time because my friend I rarely get to spend time together without the kids. We just got carried away. But this is the thing tho...you did not have been soooo upset over that minor mistake. When I ask you to do something like wash my car or take it to the shop I don't get upset and have an attitude with you when you forget because at the end of the day I love you and treat you the same. I don't give you a bullsh*t attitude over something so small. It should not been such a big deal! If you were bothered you should have just called me earlier.
2. You hold me to these super high standards that you don't hold yourself to. Totally unfair...I'm human. I make mistakes. Chill.
3. I need a break. That means no responsibility. I love your son, but I need some time because I take care of my daughter by myself. You get breaks all the time. I know you said you're going to step up more and I'm so grateful for that, but since I was taking care of her without help I'm still exhausted from that.
4. Last night you said "I don't do as much as I think I do" and that was super hurtful. I try my very best to run this household and balance everything else. You say I'm not slaying over a hot stove everyday because I use the crockpot a lot or grill some fish which doesn't take long, but you still eat right? Does it matter how long it took me?
5. You need to find a job or something to do temporarily. Do you remember when I asked you a while back if you'll still love me if I got super big? (this was a joking conversation and no offense to anyone) You reply was "Yes, as long as you don't change". Well, this is the same concept. I feel like that with your job situation. I don't care that you're not working right now because you still take care of your responsibilities...but I feel like you're changing. Your mood is different because you are not active. It was a different environment at home. I think if you find something to do everyday it will be a start and will make you feel better. You don't realize the small changes, but I do. I'm trying to understand your situation and be supportive so let me know if I can help you in any way.
Those are my talking points for tonight. This conversation is long overdue and I should have been communicating these things to him, but I'm not great at communicating. How does this sound? I want him to communicate back so I'm trying to lay this on really smoothly...
Dee-Licious
Well-Known Member
@PeaceLover Why are you cooking and cleaning 4 days a week when he's not working? Why do you have primary responsibility of his child and niece/nephew when he's hasn't worked for 4 months and is well rested? How long have you both lived together and he doesn't do anything for your daughter?
Would you be okay with this same setup 5 years from now and you probably add in another child?
Would you be okay with your daughter being in this exact same relationship or would you tell her damn any wedding deposits already paid?
Would you be okay with this same setup 5 years from now and you probably add in another child?
Would you be okay with your daughter being in this exact same relationship or would you tell her damn any wedding deposits already paid?
Dee-Licious
Well-Known Member
@PeaceLover
Please read this to yourself 4 times but say to yourself he hasn't worked in 4 months before you start each time
I'm glad you're getting your talking points on paper because maybe seeing it in writing will help you think more clearly.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
From a man's perspective, this might piss him off. He will take everything in that post as an accusation. Sounds cliché but phrases like "i feel like my work and effort here is unappreciated" or "i feel concerned that your not working is affecting your mood and this household". Its kind of passive language but puts emphasis on the bigger picture, feelings (im hurt not just angry) rather than accusing. Trust me. I know the type. If he starts wanting specifics then bring up specific ****, otherwise keep the focus of the conversation on the bigger picture (household and outcomes for the kids). Thats all i got. Good luck.
PeaceLover
Well-Known Member
Ooh I like this. I was trying to avoid sounding like I'm accusing him. I'll try this language. I don't want him to get offensive. I want OPEN communication.
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
i think I would have told him up front that while I am the future step mom I'm not the main parent so I won't be changing my plans for his niece and nephew. He wants them so he's responsible for them.
I've had an extra kid all week( dh's cousin). She's good, and low maintenance but real talk as a teacher I barely have the patience for my own, lol. So yeah I'd sit him down and explain that just because I'm off that doesn't mean I'm the baby sitter. Besides his son any extra kids are going to be his responsibility and don't expect you to give up your kid free time to entertain someone else's kids.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
This is what I was saying earlier. The best advice I got from marriage counseling was to use the awareness wheel. It takes longer to get what u want out but he's more receptive to it.
Sense: I noticed that you didn't take the trash out.
Feel: I feel unappreciated when you forget to take out the trash because it makes me feel you don't care as much about the maintenance of our home as I do.
Think: because of that I have been moody and out of my character.
Want: I would love for you to take more care of your house by yada yada.
Get it?
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Sosa
Well-Known Member
I agree. I don't think you should pack up and leave because of this. But do try to work things out and have agreements in place BEFORE you get married.
As for your talking points, the way they are phrased would make him defensive IMO. The tone seemed a bit accusatory and is a set-up for another big argument.
LeftRightRepeat
Well-Known Member
waiting until 9 p m for dinner, like him hand join church. *kissteet*
I agree that the tone of what you wrote out may cause another argument, but I also think that you should stand up for yourself. I'm not sure how you would go about that in a more diplomatic manner based on the facts that you have presented and his reactions. ..but I'm an Aries and we're all about war
@hopeful will probably give better advice
I agree that the tone of what you wrote out may cause another argument, but I also think that you should stand up for yourself. I'm not sure how you would go about that in a more diplomatic manner based on the facts that you have presented and his reactions. ..but I'm an Aries and we're all about war
@hopeful will probably give better advice
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I don't have better advice here
. My natural inclination is almost exactly like the OP's. I am a communicator, transparent, love getting to the root of problems, solving them, and making progress. From what PeaceLover has posted over time about this guy (not just going by this thread) I do not believe explaining all of this to him will be helpful. For one, he is not a child, and his future wife should not have to spell out these very basic things to him. I believe he understands all of her talking points, but he is simply doing what he wants to do and is in his own self interest. Two, over time I have learned that people like him use our communication skills and transparency against us. Men like him pretend to understand, pretend they will change, and prey on our very strong desire to be in a relationship and to want things to work out.She is too kind, too hopeful, too trusting -- like I too have been for most of my life. Watching her go through this is like watching myself. I really do hope things work out because PeaceLover seems like such a nice lady and is deserving of a good relationship, but I don't trust this guy. I think he is selfish and insincere. But he has her heart and I know how that feels too. Like she said earlier, this is hard, it is
.waiting until 9 p m for dinner, like him hand join church. *kissteet*
I agree that the tone of what you wrote out may cause another argument, but I also think that you should stand up for yourself. I'm not sure how you would go about that in a more diplomatic manner based on the facts that you have presented and his reactions. ..but I'm an Aries and we're all about war
@hopeful will probably give better advice
I swear..... the convoluted speech patterns and tongue twisters women in rlsps have to go through to communicate with their men (who know they are acting like ish) is AMAZING.
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