Am I Being Selfish?

DarkJoy said:
Man, you are so so right. Smh
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Men know when they are acting ishtty, passive-aggressive, cold, distant and in general causing the problematic dynamics in the rlsp.

I'm shaking my head at the OP's situation.
The man is not currently working and stays home, but wants to get upset because he actually has to make an effort to maybe warm up some food or call for takeout.

@PeaceLover
If you don't nip this ish at the bud now, best believe his "entitlement" to ensuring his own comfort needs gets met at your expense will get worse after marriage.
You better start setting some boundaries and stop as much as you do.

Hire (and he pays) a weekly or bi-weekly house cleaner and a baby-sitter at least once a week, so you can have more free time for yourself.
 
NijaG said:
Hire (and he pay) a weekly or bi-weekly cleaner and baby-sitter at least once a week, so you can have more free time for yourself.
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I agree. But he will has to get his job situation right or that will drain his savings imo

PeaceLover said:
Actually, we have been looking for a house and we made an offer on one yesterday morning. Our realtor will tell us something tomorrow. The plan is for him to move the stuff and do minor repairs & paint since he's off. He's looking forward to that to keep him busy until then.
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Op, if he isnt working idk how much of a fiscally good idea buying a house is right now (and hes not looking for side worktil that job situation clears? ) . And not being officially married yet... *sucks teef*.. idk about putting both names on the deed. This is heavy stuff to be dealing with and the marriage license aint signed yet. :ohwell:

I aint sayinh stop. Just slow your roll.
 
Op. There's some good advice here but honestly. Honestly....

You put too much of your business out there.

You got people counting your man's coins and saying he ain't s***. Asking you why you're watching other people's children and stuff that I personally feel is beyond the scope of advice they should be giving. you need a nap a holiday and to talk it out.

I'm not married and I don't have kids but I do know enough about relationships to know you shouldn't invite outsiders in. People let their own experiences colour their responses when they give advice.


Have a nap. Take it back to zero and then have a chat and spend some quality time together sans kids and talk it out.

I'd say like 85% of issues are solved by calming down and communicating consciously.
 
NijaG said:
I swear..... the convoluted speech patterns and tongue twisters women in rlsps have to go through to communicate with their men (who know they are acting like ish) is AMAZING.
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I disagree. Women spend a lot of time having useless conversations with men when a well-placed "Absolutely not" would have sufficed. And give him the same look you would give the crazy person on the bus who just bursts out singing, like he must be crazy af. You can explain it nicely afterward, but he needs to know that your first reaction was 'Hell to the naw naw naw'. Otherwise, he might assume that it's just token resistance which means nothing in the grand scheme.

@PeaceLover I bet he don't even know how mad you are, mad enough to have e-friends recommending ish he does. not. want. You might think he should know, but if you don't convey it to him, how would he? It sounds like you've handled this through avoidance, which makes sense given your name, but conflict avoidance does not lead to strong unions. That's a thing you have to fix about you.
 
DarkJoy said:
I agree. But he will has to get his job situation right or that will drain his savings imo


Op, if he isnt working idk how much of a fiscally good idea buying a house is right now (and hes not looking for side worktil that job situation clears? ) . And not being officially married yet... *sucks teef*.. idk about putting both names on the deed. This is heavy stuff to be dealing with and the marriage license aint signed yet. :ohwell:

I aint sayinh stop. Just slow your roll.
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Dis tew much.
 
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Honey Bee said:
I disagree. Women spend a lot of time having useless conversations with men when a well-placed "Absolutely not" would have sufficed. And give him the same look you would give the crazy person on the bus who just bursts out singing, like he must be crazy af. You can explain it nicely afterward, but he needs to know that your first reaction was 'Hell to the naw naw naw'. Otherwise, he might assume that it's just token resistance which means nothing in the grand scheme.

@PeaceLover I bet he don't even know how mad you are, mad enough to have e-friends recommending ish he does. not. want. You might think he should know, but if you don't convey it to him, how would he? It sounds like you've handled this through avoidance, which makes sense given your name, but conflict avoidance does not lead to strong unions. That's a thing you have to fix about you.
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Agreed.

Men know what's up. How do you think they communicate at work? DIRECTLY. You have to communicate with them directly. It's a good thing I had a brother and his friends were always around because I got to see the mind of boys and men at work (as they grew up). Then working for a matchmaker was a double blessing. I am always able to see through and call men out on their crap and have them either laughing and saying, "You're right" and correcting it or seeing that they cannot and will not (but they know that I know they are full of it and aren't surprised when I'm out the door because I don't leave them guessing).

They are not clueless but they will act that way sometimes in order to placate women. If you're direct and (I'm not talking mean) you don't even have to say, "I feel" or "Sometimes" or " I hope". You just say, "No. I'm not doing that. You've got to be kidding me." and then you show with actions. If they want a wimp they'll leave, if not, they'll stay and respect the fact that you aren't a push over. Either way you get what you want. You don't want to be too nice or hold it in until you explode and become the women with a chip on your shoulder. You want to (at least I want to and this is how I operate) be the person who feels they can freely express themselves with someone and they will respect them for that (and you will be heard). It's not always roses to operate in this manner but you can and will filter out things quickly.

I'm with @hopeful you really need to know that what you have now is what you'll get in the future or sometimes worse.

I don't think anyone needs to go off on anyone. You can assert yourself firmly without all that. But asserting instead of avoiding is paramount to making sure you get what you need and have the life you want.
 
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luckiestdestiny said:
Agreed.

Men know what's up. How do you think they communicate at work? DIRECTLY. You have to communicate with them directly. It's a good thing I had a brother and his friends were always around because I got to see the mind of boys and men at work (as they grew up). Then working for a matchmaker was a double blessing. I am always able to see through and call men out on their crap and have them either laughing and saying, "You're right" and correcting it or seeing that they cannot and will not (but they know that I know they are full of it and aren't surprised when I'm out the door because I don't leave them guessing).

They are not clueless but they will act that way sometimes in order to placate women. If you're direct and (I'm not talking mean) you don't even have to say, "I feel" or "Sometimes" or " I hope". You just say, "No. I'm not doing that. You've got to be kidding me." and then you show with actions. If they want a wimp they'll leave, if not, they'll stay and respect the fact that you aren't a push over. Either way you get what you want. You don't want to be too nice or hold it in until you explode and become the women with a chip on your shoulder. You want to (at least I want to and this is how I operate) be the person who feels they can freely express themselves with someone and they will respect them for that (and you will be heard). It's not always roses to operate in this manner but you can and will filter out things quickly.

I'm with @hopeful you really need to know that what you have now is what you'll get in the future or sometimes worse.

I don't think anyone needs to go off on anyone. You can assert yourself firmly without all that. But asserting instead of avoiding is paramount to making sure you get what you need and have the life you want.
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100% cosign every word but esp the bold. I have a brother too.
 
PeaceLover said:
I don't mind about taking care of his kids too. I love them. It's just that why can't I have a break. Yes, this is a lot, but I'm glad it's happening now instead of after the marriage. At least I know. I'm thinking hard, but the chances that I'll leave him are slim. Everyone is expecting a marriage and it scares me to be single again honestly.
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You've gotten a lot of great advice but please do not make decisions out of fear. The worst that can happen is you'll be accountable only to yourself which will be far better than an ungrateful partner. Don't press forward with a wedding (or buying a house) out of misplaced expectations of others who do not live in your household.

Take a step back. If another poster or friend shared this story how would you respond? Proceed in strength knowing your worth not fear that you can't find another.
 
Honey Bee said:
I disagree. Women spend a lot of time having useless conversations with men when a well-placed "Absolutely not" would have sufficed. And give him the same look you would give the crazy person on the bus who just bursts out singing, like he must be crazy af. You can explain it nicely afterward, but he needs to know that your first reaction was 'Hell to the naw naw naw'. Otherwise, he might assume that it's just token resistance which means nothing in the grand scheme.

@PeaceLover I bet he don't even know how mad you are, mad enough to have e-friends recommending ish he does. not. want. You might think he should know, but if you don't convey it to him, how would he? It sounds like you've handled this through avoidance, which makes sense given your name, but conflict avoidance does not lead to strong unions. That's a thing you have to fix about you.
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This actually reminds me of a thread that I've been meaning to start about women letting their men know they ain't the one.

And thanks to you and @luckiestdestiny it's nice to know the verbal gymnastics aren't necessary.
 
ladysaraii said:
This actually reminds me of a thread that I've been meaning to start about women letting their men know they ain't the one.

And thanks to you and @luckiestdestiny it's nice to know the verbal gymnastics aren't necessary.
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Since you brought it up...he tried her. And she did what would I have done...ghost. Point made. I also say to my friends I'm the "fool" in my house and they always say no...you don't tell, scream, etc. That's because he knows that's not what he wants. He knows how I can get and he don't want none. He likes me happy because I then I make him happy.

Men do what you let them do...
 
Femmefatal1981 said:
Since you brought it up...he tried her. And she did what would I have done...ghost. Point made. I also say to my friends I'm the "fool" in my house and they always say no...you don't tell, scream, etc. That's because he knows that's not what he wants. He knows how I can get and he don't want none. He likes me happy because I then I make him happy.

Men do what you let them do...
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Can you elaborate on this a little? You were one of the people I was going to tag lol.
 
ladysaraii said:
Can you elaborate on this a little? You were one of the people I was going to tag lol.
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Lol full disclosure *I'm on a girls trip...so I've been drinking all day so this may not be clear*
What I'm saying is, on what planet is it ok to expect your girlfriend to take care of your nieces and nephews on her vacation? He knows that's not cool...but he has to try it, lol. I don't have a problem with her response. I probably would have taken it further...but as I mentioned I'm a fool. I don't mind putting on my "clown suit" to prove a point. Full performance... I made it clear that I wasn't the one yrs ago. I suggest the op does too. Otherwise she will be his family sitter every summer as long as she has summers off.
 
Femmefatal1981 said:
Lol full disclosure *I'm on a girls trip...so I've been drinking all day so this may not be clear*
What I'm saying is, on what planet is it ok to expect your girlfriend to take care of your nieces and nephews on her vacation? He knows that's not cool...but he has to try it, lol. I don't have a problem with her response. I probably would have taken it further...but as I mentioned I'm a fool. I don't mind putting on my "clown suit" to prove a point. Full performance... I made it clear that I wasn't the one yrs ago. I suggest the op does too. Otherwise she will be his family sitter every summer as long as she has summers off.
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Didn't think of it like that but yeah you're right. Some time you just have to put on the clown suit
 
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luckiestdestiny said:
Agreed.

Men know what's up. How do you think they communicate at work? DIRECTLY. You have to communicate with them directly. It's a good thing I had a brother and his friends were always around because I got to see the mind of boys and men at work (as they grew up). Then working for a matchmaker was a double blessing. I am always able to see through and call men out on their crap and have them either laughing and saying, "You're right" and correcting it or seeing that they cannot and will not (but they know that I know they are full of it and aren't surprised when I'm out the door because I don't leave them guessing).

They are not clueless but they will act that way sometimes in order to placate women. If you're direct and (I'm not talking mean) you don't even have to say, "I feel" or "Sometimes" or " I hope". You just say, "No. I'm not doing that. You've got to be kidding me." and then you show with actions. If they want a wimp they'll leave, if not, they'll stay and respect the fact that you aren't a push over. Either way you get what you want. You don't want to be too nice or hold it in until you explode and become the women with a chip on your shoulder. You want to (at least I want to and this is how I operate) be the person who feels they can freely express themselves with someone and they will respect them for that (and you will be heard). It's not always roses to operate in this manner but you can and will filter out things quickly.

I'm with @hopeful you really need to know that what you have now is what you'll get in the future or sometimes worse.

I don't think anyone needs to go off on anyone. You can assert yourself firmly without all that. But asserting instead of avoiding is paramount to making sure you get what you need and have the life you want.
Click to expand...
agreed. It's really confusing to me when you talk around the issues. Heck, its confusing to everyone.
 
I think his perception of family and your perception differ. We had tons of cousins over for the holidays. Maybe that's what he's used too however you're not. You see it as a break from your child and everything else. Which isn't wrong but I think you should discuss with him your personal break period etc. He's assuming that you have the time and you're assuming that he doesn't he value your time. A lot of assumptions going on and lack of real communication.
 
You ladies always give solid advice. It's always good to have different perspectives.

Long story short we talked and worked out. This morning he told me he was exhausted so he's taking his son home for the week to get a "break" lol! I guess since I continued to be lazy and let him do everything his behind got wore out. I was like "Ohh now you see how I feel" :drunk:

Heck maybe I should start letting him do everything I do around here from time-to-time so he can be more appreciative:look:

Anyway, I'll continue to work on communication and just saying EXACTLY what I want...
 
Ditto

If I'm not happy trust it effects our household.

You have one job, keep me happy. Stay on it :):afro:

I communicate directly, respectfully with very few words

Men communicate and understand very few words , so you know good and got damn well when you've done wrong lol fix it! So we can move on.


Femmefatal1981 said:
Since you brought it up...he tried her. And she did what would I have done...ghost. Point made. I also say to my friends I'm the "fool" in my house and they always say no...you don't tell, scream, etc. That's because he knows that's not what he wants. He knows how I can get and he don't want none. He likes me happy because I then I make him happy.

Men do what you let them do...
Click to expand...
 
You would get married just because people are expecting a wedding??
If this person is not right for you, you will end up divorced very quickly or very unhappy.

PeaceLover said:
I don't mind about taking care of his kids too. I love them. It's just that why can't I have a break. Yes, this is a lot, but I'm glad it's happening now instead of after the marriage. At least I know. I'm thinking hard, but the chances that I'll leave him are slim. Everyone is expecting a marriage and it scares me to be single again honestly.
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PeaceLover said:
I'll just post my talking points in here so I will get feedback lol I was writing them down anyway:

1. I'm sorry that I said I would cook, but I didn't. I got carried away with time because my friend I rarely get to spend time together without the kids. We just got carried away. But this is the thing tho...you did not have been soooo upset over that minor mistake. When I ask you to do something like wash my car or take it to the shop I don't get upset and have an attitude with you when you forget because at the end of the day I love you and treat you the same. I don't give you a bullsh*t attitude over something so small. It should not been such a big deal! If you were bothered you should have just called me earlier.

2. You hold me to these super high standards that you don't hold yourself to. Totally unfair...I'm human. I make mistakes. Chill.

3. I need a break. That means no responsibility. I love your son, but I need some time because I take care of my daughter by myself. You get breaks all the time. I know you said you're going to step up more and I'm so grateful for that, but since I was taking care of her without help I'm still exhausted from that.

4. Last night you said "I don't do as much as I think I do" and that was super hurtful. I try my very best to run this household and balance everything else. You say I'm not slaying over a hot stove everyday because I use the crockpot a lot or grill some fish which doesn't take long, but you still eat right? Does it matter how long it took me?

5. You need to find a job or something to do temporarily. Do you remember when I asked you a while back if you'll still love me if I got super big? (this was a joking conversation and no offense to anyone) You reply was "Yes, as long as you don't change". Well, this is the same concept. I feel like that with your job situation. I don't care that you're not working right now because you still take care of your responsibilities...but I feel like you're changing. Your mood is different because you are not active. It was a different environment at home. I think if you find something to do everyday it will be a start and will make you feel better. You don't realize the small changes, but I do. I'm trying to understand your situation and be supportive so let me know if I can help you in any way.

Those are my talking points for tonight. This conversation is long overdue and I should have been communicating these things to him, but I'm not great at communicating. How does this sound? I want him to communicate back so I'm trying to lay this on really smoothly...
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Are you really happy or are you just settling?
 
Hmmmm...Op, you've made a couple of threads about this same SO before right? If my memory serves me correctly...this **** is crazy and you guys relationship...idk, maybe I'm wrong, but this man is a problem. People on here like to claim that lhcf will have you single, but if those threads were yours, you need to be single, or at least not with this dudw. :perplexed:
 
@PeaceLover I don't care what you do, please do NOT under any circumstances buy a property before marriage. I would say don't do it with your SO unless he changes but that's another story. My sister did that and they battled for years over the house.

What do you want out of your relationship? Where do you see yourself as a wife in 10 years? What if it takes him another 6 months, a year or longer to get a job?
What would happen if another baby came into the equation? Don't worry about other people's expectations unless they are paying your bills and taking care of your daily chores for you.
 
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