Ugh...my first marital "dilemna"
- Thread starter LBoogie
- Start date
Me and DH have a similar issue. We been married a few months, and I had to explain to him that even though I love him and his family, I still am an individual, and I don't think it is fair to force me to always be around people I am not interested in being around cause I do not do the same thing to him. Note now, I never really always saw his parents before and really didn't call them. Now all of a sudden we are married, and they, including him, feel I am magically supposed to. So, even though I can understand his viewpoint, he needs to see mines as well. And after I talked to him, he has backed off.
Your DH may never understand how you feel, because he loves his family, and that is a good thing. But maybe having a conversation with him explaining exactly how you feel will help to shed some light to him on this situation.
Granted, he might indeed be planning something for you, my head is always filled with what ifs. You may go over there all day, and that may end up being all you do, and you will really be disappointed.
So, yeah, yall need to just sit down and have an honest talk, and come to a compromise, otherwise, you may end up feeling shorted. I don't think you are being selfish, but holidays as a first time married couple are just a few of kinks you have to work out.
My husband use to do that "You talk to my moma today?" me "No, why would I talk to your moma?"
I agree with with the last paragraph.
I didnt know it was THIS bad, and I THOUGHT, them being good Christian folk, would understand and support "leaving and cleaving."
LOL. Boy does this situation sound so familiar.
But as someone mentioned earlier, its time to sit down and have talk about familial expectations. Its best to do it sooner than later.
Me too.
But I couldn't for the life of me understand why I needed to talk to her when I just saw her the day before and I'm going to see her again two days later. I don't even talk to my own mother that much.
And my husband's mother keep our son 2 days a week. So I saw her those two days plus on sundays. I AM SO HAPPY MY KIDS ARE BIG!!
kayte
Well-Known Member
You need to say this....to him..
and you need to be honest with your mother
instead of hoping she will fix the situation....
being a martyr is useless...
it's not Thanksgiving yet....
you can STILL have a birthday dinner alone
TELL HIM
then march over to the family with a special dessert
why? because you married the man you love
and it clears he wants you to bond with his family
and be as close as he his..
while that might not be possible....if it were me
I'd take the sister out to lunch once in awhile.....
so what if there is an age difference?
you mention children and having the extended family
NOW is the time to build the foundation..
Tell your husband as a couple you NEED..not want..NEED time alone and separate
time from his family so you two can build your realtionship and that is going to require setting your own holiday traditions..tell him in a way that this benefits the good of EVERYONE
when you have your time assured as a couple ..you can then be more OPEN to the times when you are with family......and you NEED his support on this
since you know this is evolving into an issue ...NIP IT
Figure this in ADVANCE...and you might need to think about road trips/travel
to physically break the apron strings
like ...New Years...... go to a swiss chalet
in the mountains...book the travel
plans ..pay for it
Take Action ....
you are very lucky and do not realize it...
some in-laws HATE each other
ensure you do not wind up in this unfortunate category
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Vanity1
Well-Known Member
It is hard though, you look for a man who loves and respect his family but not one who is still drinkin his mother's breast milk.
These men are worse then women with this family stuff. I mean, I still visit and talk to my mom very often, but geez, I don't make it a prerequisite that he talk to her or see her, I don't really care. But we all have different things we find important, so I guess.I agree with everything you said. I wish I have inlaws that would rather see me alive.
likewtr4chklit
New Member
I think a compromis is definitely in order. For one it IS YOUR BIRTHDAY. Spend a couple hours with the fam and then go do something else with your DH. His family should understand and if they don't oh well, you didn't marry them.
foxxymami
Well-Known Member
Farida
Well-Known Member
The truth is, most people don't get to spend a holiday without family unless:
(1) They live far away
(2) They have kids.
I know for my DH, and even for me, holiday with family is a MUST. I don't think either one of us could fathom being close to family and spending the holiday alone. For us we are far so I despise the traveling aspect of things.
(1) They live far away
(2) They have kids.
I know for my DH, and even for me, holiday with family is a MUST. I don't think either one of us could fathom being close to family and spending the holiday alone. For us we are far so I despise the traveling aspect of things.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I didn't read the rest of the responses, but here's my take. I'm a firm believer that women have the perogative to change their minds. If it were me I would backpedal and tell my husband, "I changed my mind, this Thanksgiving I want to stay home with you and I want you to prepare cornish hens. I want to enjoy my birthday quietly this year. This is what I want. I will call my mom and tell her and you call the rest of your family. Tell them we will see them at church on Sunday." End of story.
I'm not married but I can share how it is with my extended family. My family is similar to the situation you described. We don't all live close together but it is understood that all big holidays are spent together. As my brother-in-laws began dating my sisters and they were introduced to the family at the holidays concept. They've all been married for years now and it's just accepted. The only excused absence is that they are going to his family's get together instead and sometimes that's is looked at with a raised eyebrow by my mom.
LBoogie
Well-Known Member
LBoogie
Well-Known Member
I'm loving everything you said...And will take more than serious note. But honestly, I feel kind of defeated this time around...maybe next year I guess. LOL
I say that because he had been hinting and asking for two weeks AFTER I told him what I wanted to do (which was chill out at home or go out to dinner). So now I really feel like I'd be the grinch that stole thanksgiving if I told him I did NOT want to go now. (though I NEVER said I WANTED to go...my response was, "if thats what you want to do, fine"). Unfortunately, he's one of those men that doesn't understand a woman's "FINE."
kayte
Well-Known Member
oh..hope it helped!!!
you know what? you have to choose your battles and timing
and you are a wise woman...
you could say
[I've been afraid to say this..... but I was misunderstood about my birthday!
I actually told you what I wanted..remember I said....xxxxxx
I don't want to be the grinch so can we do this ...and this
and then..... have dessert at your folks ... you can save a little room if you want
to taste your mom's stuffing.....but can you see how this was important to me
and why I was afraid to speak up?
I don't want to disappoint you or me or the families ...please please can we do both??
Just make sure you get taken of..so no resentements..as this is fixable
and if you choose to opt out of thanksgving birthday dinnner alone this year....
I agree with the posters that said your birthday gets its own celebration..anyways!
MAKE SURE even if you don't feel like it
with men
you MUST s-p-e-l-l it out
he sounds like a great husband ...tell him that and how lucky you are
that this is why you know he will honor what you NEED as well as you will honor his
needs and his family and add ..you want to have a close extended home for your babies but it's vital ..you have time..separate
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blkbeauty
Well-Known Member
Hey LBoogie,
This post is funny, because I can strongly relate. You are trying to play both sides of the cards, which sometime can be hard, especially when you already had an idea of how to spend YOUR day.
I think the best thing to do (and I hate to say this) is to go, get through the evening and keep in mind that its only 24 hours. If possible, make it an early evening. mingle eat and tell hubby, its time to jet.
This post is funny, because I can strongly relate. You are trying to play both sides of the cards, which sometime can be hard, especially when you already had an idea of how to spend YOUR day.
I think the best thing to do (and I hate to say this) is to go, get through the evening and keep in mind that its only 24 hours. If possible, make it an early evening. mingle eat and tell hubby, its time to jet.
OMG, you too?? This man will be like "you never call my parents." I'm like "huh? for what? I see them every week. LOL. I see them more than I see my own family."
And if he's talking to a family member, he'll put me on the phone...
Them: hows' the wife
him: Great, wanna talk to her?
me:Hiiiiiii, how are you??? Awesome! Blah blah blah blah blah...talking with a smile. When I get off I'm like
I married into a BIG CLOSE KNIT family so I definitely know where you are coming from. I'm also an only child so it was a HUGE adjustment for me
. Over the years, I adapted my own coping mechanisms, some times just 'jumping right in' and others just making sure I kept my own identity outside of HIS family. Yes, they instantly became my family too but I didn't do every single thing with them all the time (and I didn't like most of them including MIL but that is a whole other story
) I soon realized that they got together every single weekend, his best friends were his first cousins, it was weird I was like umm, do y'all associate with anyone NOT in your family 
Ok so I knew it before we got married but man did it get worse after.I setup my own holiday schedule. I do Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine, every year and that's it, it aint changing, so they gotta deal with it
Really what can I say? There is no magic solution to be honest. It's been 10 years and the best thing I've learned to do is respect the closeness of dh's family, be involved in what I want to be involved with and politely excuse myself on other less important events. I have to admit that I've grown to admire that he is in fact so close and loving to his family, I think these days where familial relationships are on the decline, it shows alot about a man.
Op-I would plan an alternate event for your birthday and do it now so it won't be an annual issue. Plan to either do something alone that weekend or have him take you out somewhere, obviously alone w/o his family. Or jewelry always helps
This is a good point and is so true. You sort of give up some of that when you get married (combine families) and have kids. It sucks, but it is what it is. Shoot vacations even change with kids
msdeevee
Well-Known Member
LBoogie..from reading some of your posts, I know how happy you are to be married.
You have received some good advice already.
Set a strong foundation now of just being open and honest. It is not really being honest when we just hint and expect our Hubby's to know what we want or to understand what our "fine" means, especially a new Husband.
Say your prayers asking God to open your heart and teach you what and how to say what you need to and then sit down with your Hubby and tell him exactly how you feel about everything. Let it all out and tell him the whole truth of how this family situation makes you feel.
If you grin and bear it now you will be grinning and bearing it for years to come.
I believe in picking your battles in marriage but big issues have to be talked out or they will blow up in your face later.
If your DH is close to his family and it's always been this way this is all he knows, now he needs to learn to stick by his wife and let you be his main concern. Not to the exclusion of his family. When the scripture says a "Man has to leave his family and stick to his wife" that doesn't mean he has to forget them completely cause the Bible also speaks of us honoring our parents and taking care of them when they are older.
You and him have to make a plan of how you will handle family affairs , your Holidays and times that are special to you.
If you don't get this hashed out now you will be dealing with this issue for the rest of your married lives. Tell him exactly how much interaction you are prepared to have and what you don't like. Then compromise...this is what the mating of 2 different people means compromising to make each other happy even sometimes giving in to what is not our preference, as long as it's not detrimental to us physically, emotionally or spiritually.
It also makes me feel sad that you don't feel like you can have a good relationship with people that are not in your age range. I have many friends that are not my age and I can relate to them granted it is easier to find common ground sometimes with people that are same age, same race all that .
You can relate to younger or older people and find a common ground. Y'all have 1 big thing in common you're in the same family and you want your family to succeed.
ETA: sorry for the long post. I can go on and on . I have similar family issues but in a different way.
You have received some good advice already.
Set a strong foundation now of just being open and honest. It is not really being honest when we just hint and expect our Hubby's to know what we want or to understand what our "fine" means, especially a new Husband.
Say your prayers asking God to open your heart and teach you what and how to say what you need to and then sit down with your Hubby and tell him exactly how you feel about everything. Let it all out and tell him the whole truth of how this family situation makes you feel.
If you grin and bear it now you will be grinning and bearing it for years to come.
I believe in picking your battles in marriage but big issues have to be talked out or they will blow up in your face later.
If your DH is close to his family and it's always been this way this is all he knows, now he needs to learn to stick by his wife and let you be his main concern. Not to the exclusion of his family. When the scripture says a "Man has to leave his family and stick to his wife" that doesn't mean he has to forget them completely cause the Bible also speaks of us honoring our parents and taking care of them when they are older.
You and him have to make a plan of how you will handle family affairs , your Holidays and times that are special to you.
If you don't get this hashed out now you will be dealing with this issue for the rest of your married lives. Tell him exactly how much interaction you are prepared to have and what you don't like. Then compromise...this is what the mating of 2 different people means compromising to make each other happy even sometimes giving in to what is not our preference, as long as it's not detrimental to us physically, emotionally or spiritually.
It also makes me feel sad that you don't feel like you can have a good relationship with people that are not in your age range. I have many friends that are not my age and I can relate to them granted it is easier to find common ground sometimes with people that are same age, same race all that .
You can relate to younger or older people and find a common ground. Y'all have 1 big thing in common you're in the same family and you want your family to succeed.
ETA: sorry for the long post. I can go on and on . I have similar family issues but in a different way.
LBoogie
Well-Known Member
Thanks so much, I totally get what youre saying.
I'm not saying I can't have a good time with his family due to age differences, I have a close some close friends who are significantly older, heck, DH is 15 years older than I am. LOL. Its moreso that the older people in his family ACT old, and the young people, well...theyre kids. (so I guess the age thing is more generational and "mental") So there really isnt much to talk about...and I dont want to be buddies with my in-laws. LOL. I dont want to kick it with the one SIL that he's always trying to push me on, we really dont have anything in common. The only thing I have in common with most of his family is HIM and thats not enough to get me through enlongated periods of time.
I think alot of it has alot to do with the difference in our familial situations growing up...I was an only child, my brother is 13 years younger than me. I was in college when he started school, so there was no sibling rivalry or real "closeness" with us. I didnt grow up in a close knot family, the only time I saw alot of my family was on Thanksgiving that was rare because my mother didnt get along with her own family and my dad had no family. So I was used to just being solo in my room with my plate....playing my Nintendo or reading.
So being thrust into the regular family gathering, call my mama thing is overwhelming. He didn't try to wean me into it at all....one of our early dates was to his parents 50th anniversary party. At this point I think I might just let this one ride. I don't want the family looking at me sideways just yet
or him walking around looking like a wounded pup. Its not that serious, there will be other birthdays and Thanksgivings God willing.
msdeevee
Well-Known Member
I hear you girl , really. Your situation was a lot like mine .
I wasn't an only child but like you I was significantly older than my Bro. and Sisters and we did not grow up close. We weren't into the Holiday thing but whenever we did go visit family they had their own thing going and I just don't remember it as good times. I grew up a loner in my room reading books galore.
My DH is not close to his family either and both our Mothers died young. When we do get together mostly with his side of the family it is amicable and he loves it but can be uncomfy for me.
We have a celeb on that side of the family and because of my own issues and them also being of a different cultural background I dread getting together with them but it usually passes fine and it isn't too frequent maybe 2-3x a year mostly 2 . At these times I just
suck it up and get through it.
I still think that for the future you and he need to sit down and have a real talk.
I wasn't an only child but like you I was significantly older than my Bro. and Sisters and we did not grow up close. We weren't into the Holiday thing but whenever we did go visit family they had their own thing going and I just don't remember it as good times. I grew up a loner in my room reading books galore.
My DH is not close to his family either and both our Mothers died young. When we do get together mostly with his side of the family it is amicable and he loves it but can be uncomfy for me.
We have a celeb on that side of the family and because of my own issues and them also being of a different cultural background I dread getting together with them but it usually passes fine and it isn't too frequent maybe 2-3x a year mostly 2 . At these times I just
suck it up and get through it.
I still think that for the future you and he need to sit down and have a real talk.
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itismehmmkay
Well-Known Member
This is why you're here.But, what time does the family eat? I'd say that you all can leave early and use the excuse of it being your birthday
But, you'd probably have to plan something this weekend. Something like, "Oh babe, actually I do want to go somewhere..." Maybe a hotel room?? You can still chill and lounge around.
NOEChic
I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
You should have just said that you don't want to go and stuck with it. By you saying its whatever since he wanted to go he was going to say well lets go. I understand that you wanna be with him on your b-day specially since you ALWAYS hang out with his family. He and his family also has to understand that you and him are a family now and and that sometimes for b-day and holidays y'all are going to want to do y'all's own thing.
Next time you know not to say whateva and stick to saying no/yes
Next time you know not to say whateva and stick to saying no/yes
lwilliams1922
New Member
yeah, It's YOUR birthday and you could put your foot down. I dont think i'd do it though. He'll be sad and the family will be looking at you funny.
I say do what they want and figure out what you want in addition: go out on wed/friday, spend thur night in a hotel, go out for breakfast on thur,...
My daughter was born on Dec 25. I've always given her the choice of when to celebrate her birthday. For a few years we celebrated on Sept 25 (kids were in school). Most of the time she chooses Dec 25 but I try to make something set out just for her either that day or the day before.
I guess I'm lucky DHs mom is 10 hrs away so I'm not dealilng with constant issues. I susspect she is asking him about thanksgiving and christmas this year but we just don't have the cash right now.
leave and cleave, but at the cost of having everyone sulking??
you may want to pick your battles. there will be LARGER family isssues that come up.
good luck and
Happy Bday!
I say do what they want and figure out what you want in addition: go out on wed/friday, spend thur night in a hotel, go out for breakfast on thur,...
My daughter was born on Dec 25. I've always given her the choice of when to celebrate her birthday. For a few years we celebrated on Sept 25 (kids were in school). Most of the time she chooses Dec 25 but I try to make something set out just for her either that day or the day before.
I guess I'm lucky DHs mom is 10 hrs away so I'm not dealilng with constant issues. I susspect she is asking him about thanksgiving and christmas this year but we just don't have the cash right now.
leave and cleave, but at the cost of having everyone sulking??
you may want to pick your battles. there will be LARGER family isssues that come up.
good luck and
Happy Bday!
song_of_serenity
Well-Known Member
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
How did it go?
How did it go?
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