How can I not feel selfish?

Klearli said:
If he wants to go and doesn't see a problem with the invite, there will always prolly be problems with the family excluding OP, because he's not standing up for you.

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And there you have it.
 
If I could have spent extra time with my dad before he died I would have climbed mountains and spent my last dime to do so.

Back on topic: His mom's days are probably spent being sick and weak and taking meds and wondering when her time is going to be done. She's probably thinking about what to do with her home or her belongings and worried about the people she will eventually leave behind. I'm sure she's trying not to stress over things that seem petty or may bring drama into these delicate days for her. I can see where she wouldn't invite you if the two of you don't have a good relationship. Although, it would probably be in her best interest to try and extend an olive branch to you.

My ex-MIL hated me, but if she were dying and requested that ex-DH come for the holidays, I would have fell back and let them have their time. I would have either spent the holiday doing what I wanted to do or gone to see my own family.

As far as the $$$ for the birthday goes, it is so easy to please a 5 year old....you don't need a lot of money to do that. Bake the cake from scratch, go to the dollar tree to buy decorations if you are having a party and serve little bitty sandwiches cut into squares. Put the rest of the money to pay the rent. I don't think a bday party for a 5 year old should be a hardship. I'm just saying.

But cut his mother some slack. She has a lot of things on her mind. She wants her family around her now. Let her have that. I don't think of that gesture as being the bigger person more than I think of it as being a compassionate person.
 
OP I'm sorry you are going through these emotions. I can totally understand how you feel and your man. You are in between a rock and a hard place. All I can say is now is the time to be the bigger person for man and daughter sake.

I'm wondering how your man is going to make ends meet after this unexpected expense? I guess he will cross that bridge when the time comes. Stay strong in prayer and try to make the best of your holidays. I wouldn't let his momma piss on my parade while she is on her so called death bed.

Do you think in the future he will put his family wants over your family needs? By the way, I don't think this is a unnecessary or unreasonable want but its the bs thats behind it that makes it so hard to swallow. imo
 
I'm sorry this has happened. Her offer is a rude IMO but since u are a girlfriend I kinda understand her view. Times are tough and I understand her not paying for her son's girlfriend. If you were his wife it would be different IMO. So I see both sides.

You are human and you have a right to feel sad about missing your baby on thanksgiving. Is this her 1 st thanksgiving?

I totally understanding him going. I would too. But, I think it is extremely honorable of u to let him take the baby. This is very kind and selfless to me.

Let him enjoy his mom and u can take some time to breath and enjoy a little "me" time which you deserve.
 
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Au-natural said:
And the fact that he is so far away with me and the ill parent doesn't care for me... He asked why does everything have to be about me... I just took a long sigh and began to deeply about the future of our relationship. With that comment from him I begin to see the resentment already building.
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Did this woman ever like you? If not then you shouldn't be surprised at her actions. His mom is dying put your feelings to the side and let him go and take your and HIS daughter. Yeah, I agree it is foul, but she never liked you anyway.

While he is gone, relax in the peace and quiet and prepare for both of them to return and when they do, have YOUR meal with them. Thanksgiving is more than one day, you have BF and daughter all the time where as his mother doesn't.
 
Here's some more facts: I spent an hour talking to her, giving her healthy recipes, praying with her... Even made her cry. I do care for her but notice that she can be quite bitter. I took my last to buy her cough drops, tea, $50 in groceries for two days. Was at her side. Even mailed her a juicer.... But, she still doesn't see me as a daughter in law or whatever. He has told his family he is going to marry me, both in front of me and to his family. When she visited us, my family set up a Dinner for her at their house. But she wanted us to come to her hotel room. So she didn't come. That's 17 people in a hotel that I worked at and got her a room for. The truth is... I do the same things for my mother and I believe that's what daughters should do for their mother's. I remember she was surprised when she heard my mother an I go out for lunch together. Initially, I was supposed to go and take care if her(his mom). That's why the lack of an invitation was a shock! Why I'm sad... Not because of the invitation, not because of her. But my bf is a chef and I hardly see him, he requested this time off for us. We had a list if plans but in a suddens notice... It was "make plans of your own". As of now, I'm getting over it and trying to relax and find something to do. He said hell leave me money to go shopping so I'll maybe pick out an outfit for my dd w/o him hovering over to see the price.

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Well, technically, you aren't her daughter-in-law, so it's not unrealistic that she doesn't see you as her daughter-in-law (no matter what your bf is saying about getting married). But her lack of invitation for you, does seem mean-spirited.

I hope you have fun this Thanksgiving anyway. Hopefully you can get together with your own family and friends and have a good time.
 
Au-natural said:
Here's some more facts: I spent an hour talking to her, giving her healthy recipes, praying with her... Even made her cry. I do care for her but notice that she can be quite bitter. I took my last to buy her cough drops, tea, $50 in groceries for two days. Was at her side. Even mailed her a juicer.... But, she still doesn't see me as a daughter in law or whatever. He has told his family he is going to marry me, both in front of me and to his family. When she visited us, my family set up a Dinner for her at their house. But she wanted us to come to her hotel room. So she didn't come. That's 17 people in a hotel that I worked at and got her a room for. The truth is... I do the same things for my mother and I believe that's what daughters should do for their mother's. I remember she was surprised when she heard my mother an I go out for lunch together. Initially, I was supposed to go and take care if her(his mom). That's why the lack of an invitation was a shock! Why I'm sad... Not because of the invitation, not because of her. But my bf is a chef and I hardly see him, he requested this time off for us. We had a list if plans but in a suddens notice... It was "make plans of your own". As of now, I'm getting over it and trying to relax and find something to do. He said hell leave me money to go shopping so I'll maybe pick out an outfit for my dd w/o him hovering over to see the price.

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Being alturistic doesn't mean doing things and expecting things in return. You care for her because you want to, regardless of the treatment (I am not saying she has the right to poo on you). Don't think, that since you did XYZ, that she has to do ABC or should even offer to do ABC. If would be perfect in a perfect world, but alas we do not live in a perfect world. OP keep on doing nice things, the world is a better place when people are nice, but it has to be geniune, not to get something that you want or think that you deserve.

From the outside it seems like that you think since you were nice to her and did such and such for her, the LEAST she could do is.................... Um nah, doesn't work like that.

OP I am not capping you, I am just thinking out loud. This situation comes up all the time.
 
You did what u did for her out from your heart. This was kind but this lady owes you noting in return. U are a girlfriend of her son , this is a fact even though u guys have set up a home together. I still feel this fact,gives her a pass for her request of seeing just the two of them. Sorry, but u r not her family. People look at baby mommas and girlfriends like they come and go. So her focus during this illness is on her family which is her son and grandchild. We can't fault her for this.

It would've been nice if she showed gratitude for your kindness but it seems as if she is not.

You want to marry her son , so focus on you guys. As your future husband, take into accountant the mother and child
bond( not saying this bond cause before a spouse) and step back for a min.

You will get a few days to do you!!!!! Plan a special night for yourself! You will get through this. Time will pass quickly. And focusing on the big picture will mend your hurt feelings. Good luck!!

How old is your daughter BTW??? Will she be ok without you for this holiday?
 
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She is 1, shell be 2. I trust her Dad with my own life. He is an awesome Dad an because he hardly see's her.... This will be their time together. I'm just going to miss them both and wish that where ever he is well be spending the holiday together, because of his job this may be the only holiday that was available but until next year...

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Au-natural said:
She is 1, shell be 2. I trust her Dad with my own life. He is an awesome Dad an because he hardly see's her.... This will be their time together. I'm just going to miss them both and wish that where ever he is well be spending the holiday together, because of his job this may be the only holiday that was available but until next year...

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Awwwwww. I asked would she be ok not because your bf might not take care of her. Just thinking about how some babies are extra attached to their mother and my be really grumpy with out you. And she's almost two, you know how they get, lol.

Glad its not the pumpkins 1st Thanksgiving, and she won't remember that you spent it without you at this age.


I'm sure both of your babies will miss you too!!!
 
I don't think what the mother did was wrong. Sure it would have been nice if she would have extended the invitation to you, or if your boyfriend would have invited you along for the trip and made sure it was O.k. with his mom, but the fact that you two aren't married might have been the reason why she didn't feel the need to invite you.
 
All your bf has to do is stand up be a man and say "mother dearest... we made plans" maybe ya'll can visit for christmas instead
 
^^^ That's what I want to know. Is she sick or is it the end of the line? B/c that would change how I felt about it.

As far as the mom not considering OP as a daughter in low, yeah I understand why you are upset, but I understand her too. If you arent married, you arent family, you're the mother and girlfriend of family. In our fam, SO's arent allowed to come to our family reunions, they have to be married.
 
Well, she is undergoing chemo, however the cancer has spread to her liver from her lung. I advised her that her diet needs to change. That's mostly what we talk about. My boyfriend and I have been researching alternative treatments for her but her diet I think is the culprit because up until she was diagnosed she was an avid "top shelf" drinker, cigar smoker and ate terribly. Prior to hearing the news of the cancer spreading she was very ill, pain, fatigue, nose bleeds. She fought with her daughters about eating healthy... When I talked to her I stressed juicing... Even if it didn't prolong her life... At least it would add value and her last days she would feel better and not sick and fatigued. She followed my advice and began to feel better... Was able to return to work. Now I'm guessing that she could be feeling better or just saying so.

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Well let's look at it like this... If spending time with her was his main priority he could have called off work because his mom is dying... Instead of having his gf take care of her and then send for only her son and granddaughter... Also usually terminal people try to be as caring as possible and leaving out someone who was there for you isn't caring at all...

ThickHair said:
@silenttullip His mother is dying for goodness sake. OP never responded if BF mother is terminal and have weeks\months to live. Will she make it to Christmas?????
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I havent read this thread other than the last few responses, but OP we will assume you, your child and your BF have YEARS together. If MIL does have metastatic liver cancer, she has DAYS/MONTHS. Ignore her slight and let her have the time with the family. The worse thing is regret, resentment and blame. I would hate for your bf, once his mum passes, to blame and resent you for appearing to make him choose btw his dying mother and you. Grief is a crazy thing and makes the irrational seem rational.
 
silenttullip said:
Well let's look at it like this... If spending time with her was his main priority he could have called off work because his mom is dying... Instead of having his gf take care of her and then send for only her son and granddaughter... Also usually terminal people try to be as caring as possible and leaving out someone who was there for you isn't caring at all...
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Or try to avoid doing/saying anything they wont get a chance to repent for.

Considering she is so close ot the end of the line, I think he should go to see his mom b/c I agree with the others, he will blame OP if he doesnt.

As far as the slight, IDK, I feel like people have the right to choose who is around their death bed. BUt at least OP, you can know that you tried to help her and know that she knows it too.
 
I'm not going to call you selfish, but I think it's in your best interests to reassure your BF before he leaves that you support him (maybe send her a card through him). If not, he will resent you if his mother passes, for even suggesting that he choose you over her. I know that's something I would not be able to forget, and some men can hold onto things a long time without speaking on it. This is one holiday with many more, God willing, for you three, he needs to be with his mother right now.

Take yourself out of the equation or you will regret it and he will resent you for it. I'd take a different approach if she weren't sick, but this woman may not make it much longer. You need to support your BF and let God deal with his mother.
 
Thank you all for your help. He is preparing to leave tomorrow. He stressed how he wanted me to go ...he stood up looking for a last minute flight but I told him lets save the money... I am packing for him and dd. This Thanksgiving I will be alone... But I can catch up on my workouts, studying etc. Thank you all ladies! Great to have talk with some women being that I have no sisters. I really appreciate it and hearing so many point of veiws I am settled with him leaving and actually thinking about sending his mom a care basket.

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Au-natural said:
Thank you all for your help. He is preparing to leave tomorrow. He stressed how he wanted me to go ...he stood up looking for a last minute flight but I told him lets save the money... I am packing for him and dd. This Thanksgiving I will be alone... But I can catch up on my workouts, studying etc. Thank you all ladies! Great to have talk with some women being that I have no sisters. I really appreciate it and hearing so many point of veiws I am settled with him leaving and actually thinking about sending his mom a care basket.

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That sounds great. Give him and the baby lots of kisses before they leave.
 
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