He Asks Me Out Then Bamboozles Me Into Paying: Updated

[Honey Bee]

It's these damn people from Long Island corrupting me

Nope, we all got a little bit of Yiddish. 'You're an old- school nyer if...' you remember the Greek Parthenon cups at the diner, you remember mad old white guys exactly like Jerry Orbach from L&O, etc. All these nyc newbies got me messed up. I dont even recognize these people.

 

[IslandMummy]

Girl this is so true. When I dated my DH, he was pissed whenever I took my wallet out. Even to this day. And if I pay, he finds a way to put that money back into my hands or my account, even for groceries. Nothing better than a generous man.

My mother taught me this lesson when I thought I knew it all

I'm so glad i stopped being hard headed and listened.

LOVE THIS.

1000 percent agreement. You want a generous man always.

And yes he needs to pay always. And yes he should always be concerned with your safety and open doors, and see you home, etc etc. It should be expected of a gentleman.

Confession time: for the longest DH would always "check" on me, we'd be in the same house but different rooms and he'd poke his head in asking if I was okay. That irked me soooooooooo bad, like don't you see me watching my Netflix, reading my book, being generally lazy? Of course I'm okay.

It wasn't worth getting pissy about so I'd just smile and answer and KIM, now our son does the same, if his sister or I are out of their line of sight for 15+ minute he'll poke his head in "mommy are you okay?" and I get it now.

I have been peeved by this for going on eight years but it didn't click until our son started doing it. Now I get mad when he doesn't do it. Like wait you don't care about me anymore? What's good fam?

A man that cares about you, cares about your wellbeing, safety, and frame of mind.

 

[IslandMummy]

Nope, we all got a little bit of Yiddish. 'You're an old- school nyer if...' you remember the Greek Parthenon cups at the diner, you remember mad old white guys exactly like Jerry Orbach from L&O, etc. All these nyc newbies got me messed up. I dont even recognize these people.

Jerrrrrrryyyyyyyy OMG he was the second celebrity death to hit me! I was in the Bahamas just getting ready to enjoy myself when CNN broke the news, my roomies and I were addicted and we spent the weekend watching TNT on vacation.

 

[Honey Bee]

Jerrrrrrryyyyyyyy OMG he was the second celebrity death to hit me! I was in the Bahamas just getting to enjoy myself when CNN broke the news, my roomies and I were addicted and we spent the weekend watching TNT on vacation.

Yeah, that hit me too and I don't even be caring as about wp. That was the homie. I've known cops like that.

 

[strenght81]

Sis, I'm not gon lie. I looked at your screen name (same year as me) and was like, girl, you don't have time to waste on this type of nonsense. No disrespect cuz I'm right there with you re kids. Time is of the essence, you hear me?! So, in your case as a single woman (? I'm not up on the history of your situation), if it was me, I'd be weeding them out as fast as I can. No dallying. This is a brisk walk, not a stroll. Use the easiest tests, at minimum. When it comes to evaluating men, ' can you feed me' and 'can you protect me' are the equivalent of writing your name on a test, easy points that everyone should get. If they ain't up to par on simple stuff, how can you expect them to (voluntarily and pridefully) plan for you to stay home for a bit after babies? Or whatever.

My initial plan was next year. Then I thought that might be too soon with the way the dating scene is now. I totally agree with your sentiments. My friends don't understand why I'm letting these men go so quickly, I keep telling them I want to find my husband. Now that I have established myself in my career and have a stable steady stream of incomes I am now ready for marriage. I probably won't have children, if it's in the cards GOD will grant me with at least one healthy child.

 

[Covagirlm]

​

Ask @Honey Bee i still haven't made it uptown yet

You hop your booty on the FDR you'll be uptown in 20 minutes .

 

[MzLady78]

Jerrrrrrryyyyyyyy OMG he was the second celebrity death to hit me! I was in the Bahamas just getting ready to enjoy myself when CNN broke the news, my roomies and I were addicted and we spent the weekend watching TNT on vacation.

Yeah, that hit me too and I don't even be caring as about wp. That was the homie. I've known cops like that.

Ugh, I was SO upset about this. That was my dude. No original L&O duo topped Briscoe and Green.

 

[Covagirlm]

Ugh now I'm remembering those commercials about JO donating his eyes.

 

[SurferBabe]

he pays for everything including transportation. of course i expect him or i wouldnt even give him the time of day. a man with common sense wont even offer....he just does it.

See, this is what my intuition tells me, but I let my mind take over and convince me that this expectation is too much, even though I know when to be lax and fair about stuff like this. People have told me that this and just about every other expectation I've had is too much, so I get where OP is coming from. For years I've accepted less because I didn't want to rock the boat. I also let the low expectations I saw around me influence my own judgement because, hey-- they have a ring and I don't. Looking closer, I wouldn't want to be in any of their shoes.

 

[prettyinpurple]

Nope, we all got a little bit of Yiddish. 'You're an old- school nyer if...' you remember the Greek Parthenon cups at the diner, you remember mad old white guys exactly like Jerry Orbach from L&O, etc. All these nyc newbies got me messed up. I dont even recognize these people.

I only visit NYC and I know these things . I'm overdue for a visit.

Jerrrrrrryyyyyyyy OMG he was the second celebrity death to hit me! I was in the Bahamas just getting ready to enjoy myself when CNN broke the news, my roomies and I were addicted and we spent the weekend watching TNT on vacation.

Yeah, that hit me too and I don't even be caring as about wp. That was the homie. I've known cops like that.

Ugh, I was SO upset about this. That was my dude. No original L&O duo topped Briscoe and Green.

I was torn up when he died too. He was the homie man.

I have a pic by the street sign with his name on it.

Ugh now I'm remembering those commercials about JO donating his eyes.

I would be a mess if I saw those commercials.

 

[MzLady78]

Ugh now I'm remembering those commercials about JO donating his eyes.

I remember seeing those when I visited NY! Yeah, I mean, that's great and all, but...

 

[C@ssandr@]

See, this is what my intuition tells me, but I let my mind take over and convince me that this expectation is too much, even though I know when to be lax and fair about stuff like this. People have told me that this and just about every other expectation I've had is too much, so I get where OP is coming from. For years I've accepted less because I didn't want to rock the boat. I also let the low expectations I saw around me influence my own judgement because, hey-- they have a ring and I don't. Looking closer, I wouldn't want to be in any of their shoes.

Men want to be providers. They respect us less for not holding them up to that standard the same way we respect them less for not providing. Honey_Bee made good points about testing a dude. there's ways to find out if he has certain values by his responses.

 

[SlimPickinz]

​

You hop your booty on the FDR you'll be uptown in 20 minutes .

We just talked about me learning to drive, don't calll me out In 6-8 weeks, I'll be able to hop on the FDR. But you know it ain't no damn 20 minutes no where.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

OMG so I'm thinking we need a thread of they "tried it" and writing what they tried including things like asking you to treat them to dinner. This needs to be a movie like a romantic comedy but from a woman's point of view. I want to write this I WANT to!

 

[Honey Bee]

Men want to be providers. They respect us less for not holding them up to that standard the same way we respect them less for not providing. Honey_Bee made good points about testing a dude. there's ways to find out if he has certain values by his responses.

And you'd be surprised what they're willing to do if you just lay your expectations out plainly.

A few years ago, I was in a 'Do I still got it?' phase. So, instead of deading guys immediately, I let them shoot their shot. :shrug: I was completely honest: I'm happy with my man and not really looking, I'm disabled in a way that is often not cute, I don't work at all so I require a man who handles the money... but I'm cute (not beautiful, cute), little, and brown, well educated, and can cook my tail off. But you need the money.

And it worked! Imagine my surprise. Here I am, thinking my requirements were ridiculous. Instead, you could literally see the wheels turning. Depending on ses, either they were trynna figure out how they could swing it, or they were like, No, I got you. Once, I got a (surprisingly fine) Indian lawyer to agree to terms just waiting for our coffee at Starbucks. In less than five minutes.

I'm not at all being braggy. I didnt actually believe them (cuz, deeds not words). I'm just sharing the story to say, state your terms and you'll be surprised at how many of them are at least willing to seriously consider them. You're not 'looking for a unicorn', you're negotiating the terms of your contract with an employer who wants you. Don't be scurred!

@strenght81, If you're on a tight schedule, that needs to come up in the first one or two convos, i.e., 'oh, you want my contact info? What for? Bc I'm 36 and don't have time for Netflix and chill. *tee hee, then serious face*' And then stop talking and let him shoot his shot. Either he playing or he not, but you'll know shortly. Sorting.

 

[lesedi]

And you'd be surprised what they're willing to do if you just lay your expectations out plainly.

A few years ago, I was in a 'Do I still got it?' phase. So, instead of deading guys immediately, I let them shoot their shot. :shrug: I was completely honest: I'm happy with my man and not really looking, I'm disabled in a way that is often not cute, I don't work at all so I require a man who handles the money... but I'm cute (not beautiful, cute), little, and brown, well educated, and can cook my tail off. But you need the money.

And it worked! Imagine my surprise. Here I am, thinking my requirements were ridiculous. Instead, you could literally see the wheels turning. Depending on ses, either they were trynna figure out how they could swing it, or they were like, No, I got you. Once, I got a (surprisingly fine) Indian lawyer to agree to terms just waiting for our coffee at Starbucks. In less than five minutes.

I'm not at all being braggy. I didnt actually believe them (cuz, deeds not words). I'm just sharing the story to say, state your terms and you'll be surprised at how many of them are at least willing to seriously consider them. You're not 'looking for a unicorn', you're negotiating the terms of your contract with an employer who wants you. Don't be scurred!

@strenght81, If you're on a tight schedule, that needs to come up in the first one or two convos, i.e., 'oh, you want my contact info? What for? Bc I'm 36 and don't have time for Netflix and chill. *tee hee, then serious face*' And then stop talking and let him shoot his shot. Either he playing or he not, but you'll know shortly. Sorting.

I needed to read this.

 

[Honey Bee]

I needed to read this.

Yay! Glad it was helpful! (Cuz I'm sitting here like, damn, I'm writing a lot lol)

 

[hopeful]

I needed to read this.

This ended up being a really good thread. I love when threads evolve like this and help the OP and many others as well.

 

[mstar]

I'm just sharing the story to say, state your terms and you'll be surprised at how many of them are at least willing to seriously consider them. You're not 'looking for a unicorn', you're negotiating the terms of your contract with an employer who wants you. Don't be scurred!

Yes to all of this.

 

[JudithO]

Oh hell no! $100 Uber ride and dude said he was worth it nope nope nope. First off boro dating is real. I live in BK. I'm not dating anyone in the Bx for ex. Why? While there are perfectly nice people who live there I'm not trooping to the Bx, that is a long distance relationship (note I did not visit my own brother who lived there for a year unless I had a car rental). And didn't want to order food. Money and cheap is not dateable.

And jumping into his car before making sure I got into mine NOPE NOPE NOPE. Ubers/Gett/Lyft all wait

And you need some new friends or different ones to get feedback on

 

[JudithO]

Clearly I'm sending out the wrong signals. However, this has never happened to me before. Despite it all he is a jerk. I hold myself accountable for allowing him to treat me this way but his actions are his actions. I don't have to continue accepting it.

I feel your comment is disrespectful. Some LHCF members STAY coming for people unnecessarily. I'm not opposed to criticism, I warrant it, just not disrespect. Smh I would never take a train to a date hence paying over $100 for an uber ride which I can afford, debt free, no student loans, rental property owner, masters degree educated, stacks in the bank type of woman. So please stay in your lane!

Girl you are all this .... and someone treated you like this??? You need people in your life to remind you everyday how awesome you are! As soon as he said you are paying for the date since you choose to lead, a block should have followed.

Please don't you let anyone EVER treat you any less than you deserve.

 

[Honey Bee]

Yes to all of this.

 

[cupcakes]

Glad you canceled OP! A date between Manhattan and central Brooklyn (Williamsburg, Ft Greene, Bedstuy, Park slope Dumbo etc.) I would take the subway. But then again I can't see better dates happening anywhere else in NYC. What is there to do in Bronx, Queens, Long Island etc that I would go all the way out there for a first date?

 

[ArrrBeee]

I do not have good relationship examples in my every day life. Pretty much everything I learned came from LHCF. Slowly but surely I have learned to value myself and be more expectant of good things.

Ladies who are in the know, please continue to share your knowledge.

 

[Solila]

Since he's a Scorpio, talk to him in a language he understands.

Tell him you're okay with paying for dinner to expect a treat and to be there about 6. Pick a restaurant about $150 away from him that you've been just dying to try. When he gets there and calls, tell him you're 20 minutes away and to go ahead and order drinks and appetizers because you are starving. Do that about 2 or 3 times. Then stop answering his calls, then block him.

Thats how you get your $100 back in petty.

This response is everything..........

 

[Abibi]

I was mad at myself when I seen the estimate and when I got in the cab I told the cab driver this is ridiculous a woman is paying to see a guy, it shld be the other way around. I wld never do this again. The cab driver stated: if he was paying the cab ride it wldnt be a problem.

When I got to the restaurant I complained about the distance. Instead of offering to pay he was shocked and then replied there is a train station right down the block. Smh He later told me he was worth the trip. No bruh, you're not. Later on we both got an uber and his came first.

The fact that I was choosing the location, he told me he will meet me wherever I wanted.

As I said lesson learned. I'm happy for this experience. This was the first and last time I will do this for ANY man. One of my friends don't understand why I'm canceling and thinks I'm overreacting because men say black women are too difficult. Well I'll be difficult and gain respect by not allowing fools to take advantage of a situation. He got me **'*up!

Who raised this person?

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I love this! The "can you feed me" and "can you protect me" tests are spot on. I had a guy try me recently asking me to "treat him" to dinner. Dropped that ass like a bad habit. This is the same man that can drop 2 grand on a gun that he likes (when he already has many) as a hobby but you can't pay for a little dinner for a woman that you claim to really like? Bye sir. All the byes.

Lmao @ "all the byes."

 

[bellatiamarie]

Lmao @ "all the byes."

Girl, all the byes that ever bye'd in history. treat him to dinner...? I'm still laughing at that.

 

[awhyley]

Well, remember, the point here isn't so much to make. him. pay. It's to test his degree of care. Does he at least care enough about you (even on a first date where he don't barely know you) to act like he gaf? You can dance up to the edge of this conversation by asking leading questions like, 'Oooh, and how far is that from your starting point?' (The idea is to make him look it up and acknowledge the distance, even if you already know.) Or, '... and what kind of neighborhood is that cuz I don't be over there like that. Will I have to fight? ' I'm being silly , but you know, make it suitable for your context. 'Will the esses steal my tires?' works too. The point is to make him verbally consider and assure your physical safety.

I've never heard of it put that way before, but if I get anything from this thread, it's this.
(I also like the prompting part of your response).

 

[C@ssandr@]

I do not have good relationship examples in my every day life. Pretty much everything I learned came from LHCF. Slowly but surely I have learned to value myself and be more expectant of good things.

Ladies who are in the know, please continue to share your knowledge.

Not to poo poo on your comment, but the bold may not be a good thing. What's in italics is key though