He says we each pay for ourselves when we go out

[asubeauty]

My SO had a wonderful idea for us to go dutch when we go out. I pay for myself, he pays for his own. He thinks it'll make our relationship stronger.

I told him that I think it cheapens our relationship. (Literally and figuratively) That's what you do with someone you just met, or a platonic friend, not your GIRLFRIEND.

It's been stressful for us because we are both having problems with money. Around Christmas I didn't have enough money to pay bills. I was calling creditors and my landlord trying to make deals so that I didn't have utilities turned off or get evicted. The only thing that saved me was my apt getting flooded and the insurance check. I still haven't been able to replace things in my apt because I had to catch up on bills. I don't have any furniture in here right now.

And he just got done traveling the country interviewing for residencies which took a huge chunk out of his pockets too. I can understand that times are hard, but to just announce that I have to pay for myself and if you help me out, I need to pay you back? To me that was like saying, "We aren't that close anymore." If you can't afford to go out, it's not a big deal to me, I don't need to go out. Most of the time we cook for each other anyway, so I don't understand why he had to announce that we need to fend for ourselves. erplexed

When I complained about it, he said that it was only until he gets on his feet again financially. Was I wrong in thinking that his making a point of saying that he wasn't going to pay for anything for me was a little bit insensitive? I really feel as if he's trying to make a point about our relationship. He didn't word it like, "I'm struggling financially right now, we might not be able to go out a lot." It was more like, "From now on, we each pay for each other when we go out. If I help you, you can pay me back and I'll pay you back. That's the way it's going to be, I'm putting my foot down!"

 

[Dee-Licious]

eh?


i believe in a long-term rlp that sometimes the woman should offer to pay for the meal, but dutch??!!?


I could see either cooking at home or going to cheaper restaurants if that is what the money situo called for, but to blatantly put a divide between the 2 of you and then speak of always having to "pay back" is a red flag to me.

Are ya'll planning to stay together while he goes to his residency?

 

[Amcd]

Who usually pays for thing when the two of you go out? Is it split pretty evenly between you guys, or does he feel like it is always him that is pulling out his wallet? When my DH and I were dating whoever had money paid (we were in college so we were both broke), but it was pretty even so no one felt taken advantage of.

 

[soulfusion]

Something about how he did it bothers me, but I can't put my finger on exactly why. Had he said, "Baby, we have to cut back on going out until we get over this hump financially", it would have sounded more ... like you're connected. Or more like a "we're in this together" situation ... like you do when you're in a relationship.

The way he said it was like ... something else. I don't know what; but I don't like it.

 

[frizzy]

Go with your gut instinct, and don't let that "dutch date" fly. If he can't afford a girlfriend, he shouldn't have one.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Hmm.... this is a sticky one. I can understand why his words were upsetting, insensitive and offensive to you... I would have felt the same way. The only thing is that men work a bit differently than women do. He was puzzling/stressing over money, and the idea of going Dutch seemed a logical solution to a concrete problem. He wasn't in his warm fuzzies part of his brain at that time, he was in his concrete problem solving mode. Hence, he expressed it in a very curt, results-based way; and his coldness is what is hurting you.

If you sit him down and explain to him thoroughly that you really do understand the financial situation right now, but you'd prefer a different solution than Dutch dates, he may listen. But FIRST he needs to understand that your anger/frustration is with his lack of wording it in an emotionally supportive way (as opposed to you just wanting him to continue to shell out over and over). Once he has grasped that you are on the same team with him with regard to cutting the expense involved in dates, THEN and only then will he be able to really listen to how his insensitive choice of wording affected you.

Perhaps you two can sit together and look at free/super cheap cultural events in your area for dates. If there is a university/college nearby they almost always have choral concerts, plays, interesting lectures and seminars for like $10 or less. Maybe you could make a plan to go to Event A this week and he pays for you both, and you can take him to Event B the following week and treat you both. This way it doesn't feel so disconnected and loveless, but is more like you are taking turns giving each other treats.

 

[locabouthair]

I dont see the problem with going dutch sometimes, but why do you have to pay the other person back if someone pays?

 

[southerncitygirl]

sometimes why can't you offer to leave the tip? this is a little sticky....i hope it works out and i see why your feelings would be hurt. i think he should have said due to his financial situation y'all wouldn't be going out as much, eating at less expensive restaurants or be doing more free things. another way to cut costs is eating before y'all go out to various places. i too think he was a little insensitive,it is my hope that he meant no harm.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

"Nah son, I'm not doin dutch" <---- the EXACT words that would come out my mouth.

Now if he said for ya'll to take turns paying, THAT would be different, but we are in a RELATIONSHIP, not a friendship! Sheesh even with my friendships we take turns treating each other. FOR ME that would send up a red flag. I don't like cheap people. Like another poster said, pay for the tip, because thats the FARTHEST I would go.

 

[~VicTorIAn~]

I dont see a problem here.
If you guys have to catch up financially, you shouldnt really be going out anyway.
Let the man put his foot down. lol!

 

[Murjani]

Well when he asks for the cookie tell him to go dutch.....

This is absolutely crazy..I can't imagine a real man saying this to his woman. Real men will rub two pennies together if he had to, to prevent you from coming out of your pocket.

 

[Duff]

Well when he asks for the cookie tell him to go dutch.....

I would love to see the look on his face if you said that!!!!
This is absolutely crazy..I can't imagine a real man saying this to his woman. Real men will rub two pennies together if he had to, to prevent you from coming out of your pocket.
ITA.....

this has been my experience

 

[kismettt]

i feel like the way he said it may have been because it is something he has been thinking about/struggling with for a long time. i'm VERY blunt when something has been on my mind for a while & i finally work up the nerve to say it.

i'm (obviously) not like the other women on here who are like "oh no no you must pay for me because you are the man". that is disgustingly selfish if he is struggling financially. if it is that big of a deal, don't date him.

 

[Dee-Licious]

i'm (obviously) not like the other women on here who are like "oh no no you must pay for me because you are the man". that is disgustingly selfish if he is struggling financially. if it is that big of a deal, don't date him.

we did NOT say that.

we said that they could take turns paying or stay at home and eat or find cheaper things to do

you pay for you and i pay for me is not a rlp at all

there are ways to help out someone struggling financially without becoming distant... helping each other makes more sense than everyone being out for themselves

i wish my SO would tune his damn mouth up to say i gotta pay him back for some ish... he'd look me upside my head if i suggested such a thing and we are NOT balling by any means

 

[Bunny77]

I think people's financial decisions while dating should be based on where they are at the time.

As others have suggested, there are ways to do cheap/free dates that won't be a drain on one's wallet... OR, as was also mentioned, if two people are in a relationship (not just dating), they can take turns treating the other.

Dutch doesn't fly with me and I don't allow it. If I'm going to pay, I'm treating (and yes, I've done that before for my MAN), but I don't split bills with someone I'm dating or involved with. Friends split bills... lovers do not, in my book.

ASU, talk to your man and just say why you don't like the dutch idea, but also say that you understand the financial crunch that he's facing. Suggest cheaper (or freer) options for going out, or do more at home, and see what he says about that.

That should let you know if he just didn't know how to express himself initially, or if he really is a cheap butt trying to get over.

 

[Bunny77]

we did NOT say that.

we said that they could take turns paying or stay at home and eat or find cheaper things to do

you pay for you and i pay for me is not a rlp at all

there are ways to help out someone struggling financially without becoming distant... helping each other makes more sense than everyone being out for themselves

i wish my SO would tune his damn mouth up to say i gotta pay him back for some ish... he'd look me upside my head if i suggested such a thing and we are NOT balling by any means

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

 

[firecracker]

i feel like the way he said it may have been because it is something he has been thinking about/struggling with for a long time. i'm VERY blunt when something has been on my mind for a while & i finally work up the nerve to say it.

i'm (obviously) not like the other women on here who are like "oh no no you must pay for me because you are the man". that is disgustingly selfish if he is struggling financially. if it is that big of a deal, don't date him.

I don't think the ladies responding are saying that if he is financially struggling and a student they expect him to pay for everything because that would be kinda impossible. He really should have explained himself because his approach was quite offensive. I agree with Murjani's post and he would probably get a Mylanta Cherry Cream Cheese pie for good measure.

 

[Murjani]

i feel like the way he said it may have been because it is something he has been thinking about/struggling with for a long time. i'm VERY blunt when something has been on my mind for a while & i finally work up the nerve to say it.

i'm (obviously) not like the other women on here who are like "oh no no you must pay for me because you are the man". that is disgustingly selfish if he is struggling financially. if it is that big of a deal, don't date him.

Although I didn't state it in my original post. I agree that they could switch up. I have no problem with that. I'm far from selfish.

But if he is that broke why is he going out at all????...don't make much sense to me. He basically saying I got myself covered you are on your own.

Furthermore all I can go on is experience the men in MY life have ALWAYS made a way for their women.

 

[FlowerHair]

If he can't afford to take you out as often as he does, just let him take you to less expensive places and when it's your turn to buy him food, cook something nice at home...

 

[MissJ]

I went through this with my ex. I wouldn't suggest anyone do this.

 

[Arcadian]

Naw, dutch just doesn't work, not even in my book. Pool the money together sure, one pays for the meal the other the tip, sure, but dutch?

There's plenty of places where two can eat for 25 or less dollars (we do )

-A

 

[kismettt]

we did NOT say that.

we said that they could take turns paying or stay at home and eat or find cheaper things to do

you pay for you and i pay for me is not a rlp at all

there are ways to help out someone struggling financially without becoming distant... helping each other makes more sense than everyone being out for themselves

i wish my SO would tune his damn mouth up to say i gotta pay him back for some ish... he'd look me upside my head if i suggested such a thing and we are NOT balling by any means

that IS the sentiment on this forum (period. not just in this thread. in general. he is the man, he pays.). & there are A LOT of responses in here that are like "oh i don't do dutch". which is what i was referring to. & like i said. if it is that big of a deal (to OP--which it seems to be for her more how he said it, rather than what he said-- or ANYONE), don't date him. (i use rlp/date interchangeably) OBVIOUSLY not going out is the ideal.

 

[MysteryMe]

...Dutch doesn't fly with me and I don't allow it. If I'm going to pay, I'm treating (and yes, I've done that before for my MAN).....

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Lola28]

I once had a boyfriend ask me if we were going to go half for breakfast(we were taking his sister and nephew to Cracker Barrel). The bill was all of $35 and I ended up paying because I don't do dutch. It's either I pay or you. No oh the bill is x amount and I need half. I pay without any problems or side eyes but that's just me. And in this case this was a self proclaimed cheap guy!

Something about the whole you pay for yourself and I pay for myself, rubs me the wrong way. In this case it wasn't what was said but how it was said. Op just speak to him and clarify how you interpreted what was said.

 

[Almaz]

Epic fail. If you marry this dude you will be paying the mortgage light phone gas taxes insurance child car and he will only be paying for

A car note and only half of that

 

[glam-]

Hmm.... this is a sticky one. I can understand why his words were upsetting, insensitive and offensive to you... I would have felt the same way. The only thing is that men work a bit differently than women do. He was puzzling/stressing over money, and the idea of going Dutch seemed a logical solution to a concrete problem. He wasn't in his warm fuzzies part of his brain at that time, he was in his concrete problem solving mode. Hence, he expressed it in a very curt, results-based way; and his coldness is what is hurting you.

If you sit him down and explain to him thoroughly that you really do understand the financial situation right now, but you'd prefer a different solution than Dutch dates, he may listen. But FIRST he needs to understand that your anger/frustration is with his lack of wording it in an emotionally supportive way (as opposed to you just wanting him to continue to shell out over and over). Once he has grasped that you are on the same team with him with regard to cutting the expense involved in dates, THEN and only then will he be able to really listen to how his insensitive choice of wording affected you.

Perhaps you two can sit together and look at free/super cheap cultural events in your area for dates. If there is a university/college nearby they almost always have choral concerts, plays, interesting lectures and seminars for like $10 or less. Maybe you could make a plan to go to Event A this week and he pays for you both, and you can take him to Event B the following week and treat you both. This way it doesn't feel so disconnected and loveless, but is more like you are taking turns giving each other treats.

Good answer, good approach. The fact is when men are feeling financial stress they get really sensitive, so OP expressing her issues with his wording the right way is critical. Being in a relationship is about being on a team, and I perceive that she has no problem with them alternating paying or cutting back on expenses or her cooking when its her turn- but the whole we each cover our own is the problem. I'm the same way in an established relationship, so I understand. OP, I hope you two can talk this out so he understands where you're coming from. I know this financial stuff can be tricky, especially when he's on edge about $$ anyway.

 

[MissYocairis]

I dunno....I really like Lady Panilono's response. Keep in mind, ASUBeauty is a medical student and, based on her post, I'm assuming her SO is as well. Grad students in professional programs are notoriously broke. (speaking from experience) Med school is expensive and what's left over covers living expenses for the most part. There's little time for side jobs and they are likely both going to school FULL TIME. Imagine all the studying that takes up their free time.

I think LadyP's response is the most wise because it takes into account the real issue...how he said it....and it takes into account the differences in how men and women process problems and solutions. She's so right on all points.

OP, I hope that things work out for the best and the two of you can come to a happy medium. If your SO is a sweetie pie in all other aspects of the relationship and doesn't have a track record of appearing fickle, then I don't think you should worry about him having a change of heart now. Take into consideration his entire track record with your relationship and give him the benefit of the doubt as you think through this issue.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

If you two are struggling financially I suggest cutting costs BIG TIME! Look for some more affordable alternatives to dates. Stay in and cook or something. There are places where lunch for two costs less than $15 around here.

Dutch is a no-no for me in a relationship. Like others have said, either I pay or you pay. We can do something free or cheap if need be. I've never had a guy suggest that. Instead, I've had one say 'Let me cook something nice for you'. Now of course we had been dating for a while, as have the two of you, so I see no issue with that.

 

[AstroQueen77]

so, did you sit him down asubeauty?

 

[Amcd]

We would love an update asubeauty!