He Asks Me Out Then Bamboozles Me Into Paying: Updated

abioni said:
What is this about not taking a train to a date in NYC? I have made plans to meet men at restaurants at a certain time and we both find our there and I usually take the train. Maybe it's because I live in Manhattan and my dates are always in Manhattan. I don't see the big deal.
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If I have to take the train I'll more than likely stay home unless it's after work.

Ask @Honey Bee i still haven't made it uptown yet :lachen::look:
 
strenght81 said:
As I said lesson learned. I'm happy for this experience. This was the first and last time I will do this for ANY man. One of my friends don't understand why I'm canceling and thinks I'm overreacting because men say black women are too difficult. Well I'll be difficult and gain respect by not allowing fools to take advantage of a situation. He got me **'*up!
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You need to lose this "friend" too!
 
As soon as you said Scorpio I knew what time it was. he is playing a mind *** game with you.
Stop communicating watch him try to buy you an island and start woo-ing you like a maniac.

Do not date him, you will regret it later.
$100 for an uber, let you pay on the first date.
My blood pressure is boiling right now.

he could've ordered your Uber. he is a blank-off. UGH I eat types like him for dinner! he need a hard lesson and his behind beat.
 
strenght81 said:
Ladies I need your advice. I must make a descision no later than Sunday evening.

I have a second date this coming Tuesday with a guy who asked me out and told me he would send the location of where we are meeting. When I told him I would like to choose the location this time around he tells me "If you are choosing you should pay" with a laughing emoji. But he was dead serious because He said "that is dating 101"of course I didn't agree with his perspective.

What frustrates me is: he asks me out and when I made the suggestion he flips the table on me? I told him not to get use to me paying and he stated "only when you try and take the lead" I learned a valuable lesson of letting the man lead and choose since he asked me out and not to interrupt this process. But I also feel he is being controlling. I just didn't want to risk going out a second time to a place I didn't enjoy.

Ladies, I feel like canceling and putting the ball back in his court by having him asks me out again and letting him choose so he could pay lol. It's not an issue of paying at this point I just don't like how he flipped the script. I didn't initiate the date he did!

I need some clever tips. Should I go or cancel? And if I do go how do I communicate to him subliminally without bruising his ego that I don't like this? I was thinking by eluding I pay for my friends when we go out wld make him understand he placed himself in the friend zone with me and he wld have to fish his way out!! Lol

HELP!


UPDATE: I canceled the date and this situation is done done done !! Happily done!
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I'm glad the broad helped you make a good decision. He sounds like a straight up jerk/douche

strenght81 said:
Lol I never paid. Oh no no no! Never on a first date !
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I refuse to pay on any date. If a man wants to date me on an intimate/romantic level, he will be paying FOREVA (unless we become a couple)
 
:bighug:
@Honey Bee we are all the way good!!:sneakyhug:

Thank you for the amazing advice and the apology. I love your maturity. Thank you for giving me advice you would give a friend. I appreciate that! Us long time LHCF peeps need to stick together..:flowers:.

I'm trying to find my husband and be married within the next two years and I know I will be. Your advice is golden. There is a standard I wasn't exuding and only displayed it when I became upset. This thread has given me insight to what I have been doing wrong. The advice about putting it out there he must pay for my ride upfront never crossed my mind for a date, I'm reformed, that is now my standard :yep: .

I'm trying to evolve, so I'm open to Criticism when I put my business on an open forum. I have learned a lot from you amazing women through the years and continue to do so. Thank you!
 
Well as long as this remains a judgement-free zone... :look:

For the high-value ladies of LHCF, do you ask/expect the man to order and pay for the Taxi/Lyft/Uber on the first and subsequent dates (until it is okay for him to pick you up) or is that asking too much? I'm referring to instances where you know the man and he's pursued you for some time, so this isn't a first meetup with a guy you don't know too well online (more relaxed expectations).

I don't expect it, but... a man that offers would get extra points. I don't like driving late at night if I know I'm going to drink. Have you found that certain men offer up front? At this point in my life I have nothing to lose with these dudes so I want to see what others are getting that I'm missing out on by being nice and accommodating :lol::look:. Just being real here.
 
I def don't expect it, but it's a nice touch. In the past, I mostly had guys come to my apt and pick me up. But I stopped after I met a crazy guy and became more concerned with dudes knowing where I live.

If the guy lives far away from me, I prefer he choose a place that's closer to me, and they pretty much always do. I only had a guy uber me to/from a date once, however I was visiting a foreign country and didn't know my way around.
 
strenght81 said:
I canceled yesterday ladies. That is the end of that situation. Thank you for you advice!!
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yeah but how and what was his response?


SurferBabe said:
Well as long as this remains a judgement-free zone... :look:

For the high-value ladies of LHCF, do you ask/expect the man to order and pay for the Taxi/Lyft/Uber on the first and subsequent dates (until it is okay for him to pick you up) or is that asking too much? I'm referring to instances where you know the man and he's pursued you for some time, so this isn't a first meetup with a guy you don't know too well online (more relaxed expectations).

I don't expect it, but... a man that offers would get extra points. I don't like driving late at night if I know I'm going to drink. Have you found that certain men offer up front? At this point in my life I have nothing to lose with these dudes so I want to see what others are getting that I'm missing out on by being nice and accommodating :lol::look:. Just being real here.
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he pays for everything including transportation. of course i expect him or i wouldnt even give him the time of day. a man with common sense wont even offer....he just does it.
 
strenght81 said:
I was mad at myself when I seen the estimate and when I got in the cab I told the cab driver this is ridiculous a woman is paying to see a guy, it shld be the other way around. I wld never do this again. The cab driver stated: if he was paying the cab ride it wldnt be a problem.

When I got to the restaurant I complained about the distance. Instead of offering to pay he was shocked and then replied there is a train station right down the block. Smh He later told me he was worth the trip. No bruh, you're not. Later on we both got an uber and his came first.

The fact that I was choosing the location, he told me he will meet me wherever I wanted.

As I said lesson learned. I'm happy for this experience. This was the first and last time I will do this for ANY man. One of my friends don't understand why I'm canceling and thinks I'm overreacting because men say black women are too difficult. Well I'll be difficult and gain respect by not allowing fools to take advantage of a situation. He got me **'*up!
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Girl yes!!!
 
SurferBabe said:
Well as long as this remains a judgement-free zone... :look:

For the high-value ladies of LHCF, do you ask/expect the man to order and pay for the Taxi/Lyft/Uber on the first and subsequent dates (until it is okay for him to pick you up) or is that asking too much? I'm referring to instances where you know the man and he's pursued you for some time, so this isn't a first meetup with a guy you don't know too well online (more relaxed expectations).

I don't expect it, but... a man that offers would get extra points. I don't like driving late at night if I know I'm going to drink. Have you found that certain men offer up front? At this point in my life I have nothing to lose with these dudes so I want to see what others are getting that I'm missing out on by being nice and accommodating :lol::look:. Just being real here.
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When I was dating: If he invites, he pays. If it is late hours, he is expected to arrange for my safe transport back home if he himself cannot drop me off. It also depends on where we are going and how close it is to my home. If its a train ride away, I would pay, but I expect him to show concern and order me a cab if its late/after hours.

You definitely should expect nothing less of a man who shows concern for your safety and acts upon it
 
LovinLea said:
I get it. It's hard to find someone that you connect with, have good conversation with, who is attractive and financially stable. But him having money doesn't mean anything, if he can't share it with you, not even to make sure you get home comfortably and safely.
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YEs. When I was matchmaking one thing we hated were rich losers: Guys who made women jump because they were rich, guys who thought women should pursue (if you're going in an uber to him and paying over a hundred you are pursuing) or play games (telling you not to pursue while putting you in a position to do so with the shelping across town b.s), guys who are cheap as F (I mean what's the point of money if you can't treat your woman with it), guys who try to tell you how to be the type of woman they want (uhm you are not a child). Let him find a desperate woman, not you. He doesn't deserve you.
 
Rastafarai said:
Girl this is so true. When I dated my DH, he was pissed whenever I took my wallet out. Even to this day. And if I pay, he finds a way to put that money back into my hands or my account, even for groceries. Nothing better than a generous man. :2inlove:
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LOVE THIS.

1000 percent agreement. You want a generous man always.

And yes he needs to pay always. And yes he should always be concerned with your safety and open doors, and see you home, etc etc. It should be expected of a gentleman.
 
SurferBabe said:
Well as long as this remains a judgement-free zone... :look:

For the high-value ladies of LHCF, do you ask/expect the man to order and pay for the Taxi/Lyft/Uber on the first and subsequent dates (until it is okay for him to pick you up) or is that asking too much? I'm referring to instances where you know the man and he's pursued you for some time, so this isn't a first meetup with a guy you don't know too well online (more relaxed expectations).

I don't expect it, but... a man that offers would get extra points. I don't like driving late at night if I know I'm going to drink. Have you found that certain men offer up front? At this point in my life I have nothing to lose with these dudes so I want to see what others are getting that I'm missing out on by being nice and accommodating :lol::look:. Just being real here.
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:lol: Good for you! :up:

Re your first paragraph, I was thinking about that, situations where, for whatever reason, you just can't close the transportation deal. Maybe you just so happen to be deep in Jersey on the one day he's in the city, it's such a fluke that it would be unreasonable to expect him to handle it. Or you think my advice is too traditional lol and don't even apply to your life how you live it. The expectation itself makes you slightly uncomfortable. Or maybe you agree 100% and just can't figure out the right words yet, how to convey the expectation without sounding crazy. :lol:

Well, remember, the point here isn't so much to make. him. pay. :lol: It's to test his degree of care. Does he at least care enough about you (even on a first date where he don't barely know you) to act like he gaf? You can dance up to the edge of this conversation by asking leading questions like, 'Oooh, and how far is that from your starting point?' (The idea is to make him look it up and acknowledge the distance, even if you already know.) Or, '... and what kind of neighborhood is that cuz I don't be over there like that. :look: Will I have to fight? :lol: :look:' I'm being silly :lol:, but you know, make it suitable for your context. 'Will the esses steal my tires?' works too. :lol: The point is to make him verbally consider and assure your physical safety.

Now, I'm saying 'make him' but that's not really what I mean. I mean more like 'prompting'. When a prof asks you a question in an oral exam, they're not 'making' you answer. They're simply allowing you the opportunity to answer, maybe even show off your knowledge. If you don't even understand the damn question :rolleyes:, you fail right out the gate. Oh well. On to the next. A good answer gives you, the evaluator, reason to believe he might have some basic understanding of the mating and dating rules of the road. (But he ain't that great, bc he didn't volunteer the answer. That one might be fundamentally good at heart but will require prompting. You may not want to prompt until he starts getting it on his own. Or maybe he has 'good bones' and you consider him a good investment.)

My bad for writing so much but, in the spirit of the LHCF sisterhood :lol:, if people don't know and I do, it's my responsibility to take the time out and explain my understanding of the topic well.
 
strenght81 said:
I'm trying to find my husband and be married within the next two years and I know I will be.
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:look: Sis, I'm not gon lie. I looked at your screen name (same year as me) and was like, girl, you don't have time to waste on this type of nonsense. No disrespect cuz I'm right there with you re kids. Time is of the essence, you hear me?! :lachen: So, in your case as a single woman (? I'm not up on the history of your situation), if it was me, I'd be weeding them out as fast as I can. No dallying. This is a brisk walk, not a stroll. :lol: Use the easiest tests, at minimum. When it comes to evaluating men, ' can you feed me' and 'can you protect me' are the equivalent of writing your name on a test, easy points that everyone should get. If they ain't up to par on simple stuff, how can you expect them to (voluntarily and pridefully) plan for you to stay home for a bit after babies? Or whatever.
 
Honey Bee said:
Oh no, I didn't mean any disrespect! I'm sorry. I don't know you so I can't possibly know personally what vibe you give off. But I do want you to win, so I gave you the advice I'd give a friend. I based my comment on the fact that you said he expected you to take the train, or was otherwise unconcerned with your transportation. You obviously did not raise the issue, probably because, although you realized the distance, you thought, 'I got this, I'm grown.' And that was the mistake.

If you want a man, one actually worth having :rolleyes:, you have to sort for one. We have many tests to do so. One of the more commonly known is the 'can you feed me' test. Women used to accept cows, now we want dinner. Another is the 'can you protect me' test. In modern times, that includes transport to and from the date. He's supposed to be concerned about how you get there, whether it's physically taxing or unsafe. If he's not, he failed already. Before you left the house. A week prior. Plenty of time to plan another amusing activity. Oh well @ him.

*I* recognized your 'value' (having your stuff all the way together). He did not. (Btw, I hope you got him all the way told like you did me. :lol:) That's why he tried to play you like that. With all you have going on, a negro should be able to tell from across the street that you not here for no b.s. :lol: What I'm saying is, the manner in which you are conveying your value has proven ineffective in this instance and might merit review. As an analogy, if I was looking for a new position and my first offer was unreasonably low, I'd of course look to exogenous factors (racism, the market, etc), but I'd also do a quick review of my LinkedIn to make sure it was all the way on point. (And this analogy goes both ways. He too was interviewing for a position. Imo, he shouldn't have even received a call back, but that's just me.)

Don't be mad at me! :lol: I'm very strategic/ bloodless in relationship matters and don't always express the right degree of emotion- I see them like a military campaign :look:- but I mean well. :kiss: We good? :look:
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I love this! The "can you feed me" and "can you protect me" tests are spot on. I had a guy try me recently asking me to "treat him" to dinner. Dropped that ass like a bad habit. This is the same man that can drop 2 grand on a gun that he likes (when he already has many) as a hobby but you can't pay for a little dinner for a woman that you claim to really like? Bye sir. All the byes.
 
bellatiamarie said:
I love this! The "can you feed me" and "can you protect me" tests are spot on. I had a guy try me recently asking me to "treat him" to dinner. Dropped that ass like a bad habit. This is the same man that can drop 2 grand on a gun that he likes (when he already has many) as a hobby but you can't pay for a little dinner for a woman that you claim to really like? Bye sir. All the byes.
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:lachen: Omg, that cracked me up. Exactly! If you can't 'write your name on the test', you don't deserve to pass. You took yourself out the running. 'Treat him to dinner'?! Please stop, I have a cramp in my side from the ensuing laughter. :rofl:
 
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