Deceased Friend's Husband Wants To Do Lunch

[kayte]

My very good friend died a year ago. A white woman I'd known and loved for over a decade
like all friends fought made up ..went to each other birthday parties..brunched on Sundays
she unexpectedly became sick and didn't tell her friends.
No one thought she was going to die...She,her family,
husband and adult daughter, just thought she'd beat her cancer
but it took a sudden turn for the worse and her family was at her side when she died.
I was devastated..when called by a male family friend

Her husband and his insensitivity has always been an issue for my friend...
he's abrasive and was given to having involvements on the side..
she battled the idea of divorce..for years

He sent me this awful invitation asking me to come her memorial
but since family was going to be there...maybe that I sholud NOT read my erotica....
It was such an insult.....that was the furtherest idea ..from my mind...
Erotica????
I had written a sweet goodbye poem..but I was repelled by his suggestion
....though I felt guilty....I felt it best not to go

I know this man professionally as a poet and I've used his work in a publication and in a reading ..but through an intern, or I've always approached him through ..my friend first...
He and I have never been in a social situation alone..always with her..
or just her and me
Today I get a card...saying he hadn't seen me in a while ..to call him and "we'll have lunch" ...not one word about his deceased wife....
not anything about how his daughter was coping..nothing

In fact the only other thing he said was the card was his own art design!
We'll have lunch? ????
do you think that's appropriate?

I feel bad because the daughter is an absolute sweetheart and
every private memory of her mother that I could share... I would
and she cried and she hung on every word..and I know..her mother would gratefully welcome my sharing more memories with her

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Oh dear. But he was telling you you'd have lunch with him. He didn't seem to be asking. Is he really that arrogant? How old is the daughter? Maybe you could just contact her at times without him? Her aunts etc.? This guy is a jerk. I can smell the stank on him all the way over here in Pittsburgh lolol! Don't go for it. Do not answer and do not be available i.e. at home, near your cell phone, in the vicinity the day of

 

[cocoaluv]

Im sorry about your friends passing.

Her husband is a butthead but I'd go to lunch with him only if he brought his daugher along so that you could check on her and spend time with her sharing stories about her mother and such. Keep in touch with her because she lost her mom sooooo young.

 

[KEWLKAT103]

Do you think it's possible that he has done some reflecting and wants to share some memories about his late wife?
Or maybe he recognized his attitude pushed you out of he and his daughters life and he wants to mend it.
I would give him a call to see what direction he is leaning toward before meeting up with him.

 

[blaqueskimo]

Hmmmm from what you said it doesn't seem like this is a guy that knows how to express himself at all. But I'm going to give him somewhat of a break. You were his wifes friend and he obviously knows you two were close or he wouldn't have written you right? I think the way he phrased the invite was to save face in the event you declined or didn't respond back. Even though he may have been crass with his request about your poetry, as close as you were to his wife you didn't attend her memorial . So maybe he just didn't know how to approch you.

Also just because he didn't mention it in a card doesn't mean he wouldn't have discussed her or their daughter in person which to me is more appropriate than a card.

This may be in left field but are you feeling like he's coming on to you or something? From what you wrote I didn't get that but .........do you?

 

[kayte]

But he was telling you you'd have lunch with him. He didn't seem to be asking. Is he really that arrogant? How old is the daughter? Maybe you could just contact her at times without him? Her aunts etc.? This guy is a jerk. I can smell the stank on him all the way over here in Pittsburgh lolol! Don't go for it. Do not answer and do not be available i.e. at home, near your cell phone, in the vicinity the day of

No..he defintely told me... we'll have lunch...
yes..he is arrogant....the daughter is about 27
I knew her as a young teen...sweetest soul..her mom adored her
..with good reason

yep to the last bolded...ugh

 

[andrea]

Im sorry about your friends passing.

Her husband is a butthead but I'd go to lunch with him only if he brought his daugher along so that you could check on her and spend time with her sharing stories about her mother and such. Keep in touch with her because she lost her mom sooooo young.

Do you think it's possible that he has done some reflecting and wants to share some memories about his late wife?
Or maybe he recognized his attitude pushed you out of he and his daughters life and he wants to mend it.
I would give him a call to see what direction he is leaning toward before meeting up with him.

Hmmmm from what you said it doesn't seem like this is a guy that knows how to express himself at all. But I'm going to give him somewhat of a break. You were his wifes friend and he obviously knows you two were close or he wouldn't have written you right? I think the way he phrased the invite was to save face in the event you declined or didn't respond back. Even though he may have been crass with his request about your poetry, as close as you were to his wife you didn't attend her memorial . So maybe he just didn't know how to approch you.

Also just because he didn't mention it in a card doesn't mean he wouldn't have discussed her or their daughter in person which to me is more appropriate than a card.

This may be in left field but are you feeling like he's coming on to you or something? From what you wrote I didn't get that but .........do you?

My thoughts exactly..

 

[kayte]

This may be in left field but are you feeling like he's coming on to you or something? From what you wrote I didn't get that but .........do you?

I woudn't be surprised if that somehow surfaced..I guess I am so disgusted he brought up the idea of erotic ...at onset of his deceased wife's memorial

he does things that are not appropriate.....
out of respect ot his wife and daughter I guess I
shldt not list them..but clearly out of bounds

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Hummm.....don't punish me for this, but it sounds to me as if he has always been interested in you, because if you and his wife were close friends, he may have secretly been checking you out.

I could be wrong, but this was my first impression as I read your post. If I were to second guess it, then my second impression would be that maybe he wants to see how you were coming along, how you are doing, etc. Because you both share a commonality with poetry, art design, etc, just MAYBE he wants to share something with you. This is my second impression, however, I remain strong on my first.

Now, with regards to the card and the invite, men are not emotional in that he wouldn't tell you in a card how his daughter is coping, etc. All of those things can be raised during discussion.

I'd say go to lunch and see...it won't hurt anything. You're a big girl and know how to handle yourself. Report back and let us know how it went. If you decide to go, let the location be your call.

HTH!

 

[kayte]

Do you think it's possible that he has done some reflecting and wants to share some memories about his late wife?
Or maybe he recognized his attitude pushed you out of he and his daughters life and he wants to mend it.
I would give him a call to see what direction he is leaning toward before meeting up with him.

yes I do think of course she would be point of conversation
but I have this uneasy feeling that's there's a hidden agenda

 

[kayte]

I'd go to lunch with him only if he brought his daugher along so that you could check on her and spend time with her sharing stories about her mother and such. Keep in touch with her because she lost her mom sooooo young.

Gladly.....Iwish he'd said ..Mary would love to talk with you
maybe we could all have lunch
it would be helpful and healing for her to be with one of mother's close friends

no this is alone
me and him
ugh

 

[kayte]

Hummm.....don't punish me for this, but it sounds to me as if he has always been interested in you, because if you and his wife were close friends, he may have secretly been checking you out.

that's my sense...sometimes ..people kind of let you know that they
..seem drawn to you......you ignore it
of course I could be reading into it
but is this ..normal.... for a widower to seek out his deceased wife's friends
to have a private lunch with them when that has not been the relationship
before?

I'm like ..I hurt that's she's gone
but why do I need to have a lunch....with .....you?

He did send me a pic of her last year and said
.on a card..don't be a stranger ..which I thought was fine
but to seek me out?

the way it was phrased ..the wording bothers me
haven't seen you in a while ..

(and why would you?)
sounded like ..ugh.. something a date
would say..

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

No..he defintely told me... we'll have lunch...
yes..he is arrogant....the daughter is about 27
I knew her as a young teen...sweetest soul..her mom adored her
..with good reason

yep to the last bolded...ugh

Great, she's old enough to have a relationship with you outside of having to be around him. I'd understand if he weren't a philanderer previously...but stank jerk...that's the smell.

 

[Lenee925]

Hey Kayte

Is it just me or do you post like you're writing poetry lol Anyway, what's up with him telling you not to read erotica I don't get that part. Were you going to give a eulogy or something for your dear friend and he thought you would talk sensual??

 

[kayte]

Is it just me or do you post like you're writing poetry lol

ahhhh ..that is so sweet
Thank you

Anyway, what's up with him telling you not to read erotica I don't get that part. Were you going to give a eulogy or something for your dear friend and he thought you would talk sensual??

There was going to be a reading and performance with
friends and peers of my friend (she was a musician)
each reading or performing
something as a celebration of her...

I guess he thought I would read some of my erotic pieces..
...i dunno...that was ...odd

 

[Lenee925]

ahhhh ..that is so sweet
Thank you




There was going to be a reading and performance with
friends and peers of my friend (she was a musician)
each reading or performing
something as a celebration of her...

I guess he thought I would read some of my erotic pieces..
...i dunno...that was ...odd

Ohh...I got it. Sounds like you have a right to be weirded out by the widower. Is he being nice or raunchy? :scratchch

 

[chokolate miss]

Hey Kayte

Is it just me or do you post like you're writing poetry lol

I just noticed that as I was reading this thread! It's like verse.

But to the topic at hand...he does seem like an arrogant man, and I think it has caught up to him. He sounds lonely. But at the same time, I don't think he knows how to express himself. You and his wife were close. Being close to you may make him feel near her.

As I read what I wrote that is a little disturbing, but possible. For pure selfish reasons I would like to see how that lunch goes. I am highly curious about his motives...

 

[Sasha Fierce]

Maybe he is interested in doing business with you (i.e. more publications) and is trying to open the door to that opportunity.

 

[FluffyRed]

I absolutely would not go.

That whole "don't read erotica at the memorial" thing is just him speaking out of how he sees you. Either he thinks you are totally socially inept, or he is fixated on you and your erotica.

That statement, followed by, "don't be a stranger" and later "we'll do lunch" is not just small talk. It's also not direct. He's trying to sound casual, but to get you alone with him. I smell a stank jerk.

Has he tried to connect with any of her other friends, that you know of?

 

[Irresistible]

same thing happened to me

I have to say it made my soul sick , how dishonorable can a man be?

geesh!

 

[tiara76]

well me personally even if somebody died and two people who were close to the deceased got together I wouldn't think it was a bad thing solely if it was based on something genuine ....I know people would want their loved ones to move on and be happy and sometimes its not always about they had a thing before or even planned n e thing....something so tragic could have sparked and opened up to something neither of them planned, expected or thought could ever happen....

however with that being said in this case I would follow my gut feelings simply because you don't get good vibes from the guy.....you can easily be polite and inquire about the daughter and even him via a simple phone convo if you felt like it, but if you don't feel his actions are genuine over the lunch date, they most likely aren't....it isnt as easy to read or feel somebody when you are not face to face with them but no need to ever go against your intuition if you are really feeling that initial no because it doesn't matter whats going on in his head, how he expresses or doesn't express, what is his motive or anything because you intuition doesn't usually give you an exact answer, it gives you an exact feeling......so roll with it and don't worry about trying to make sense of it...if its meant to come to light it will

 

[kayte]

I absolutely would not go.

That whole "don't read erotica at the memorial" thing is just him speaking out of how he sees you. Either he thinks you are totally socially inept, or he is fixated on you and your erotica.

That statement, followed by, "don't be a stranger" and later "we'll do lunch" is not just small talk. It's also not direct. He's trying to sound casual, but to get you alone with him. I smell a stank jerk.

Has he tried to connect with any of her other friends, that you know of?

the red bolded is the real deal
I KNOW IT

I did call this morning against my better judgement my initial instinct was to simply send a thoughtful card with an invitation for the daughter to contact me but out of deference to my friend...to be polite to him and because I am concerened about her daughter and also wanted to get inevitable contact with this man out of the way and deal with it now.. I called

It was totally FOUL.....
I knew he'd had slight or trivial attraction to me while she was alive,which I ignored, but also he was never ever inappropriate..before

When I called ....he did not mention his late wife..
he would have gone and on about me and the tone of his voice was disturbing... intimate
I cut him off and said how are you and "Mary" with "Susan" to refocus the call to the bereavement..
he said it was hard and I could hear that....but right away he tried to
push the lunch....the agenda was clear
I found some great things of Susan's ..you will have to come over...
He said I know some personal things about you that I won't go into
Susan admired you ..and she knew thing and of course was private

I was like.....who the hell is bring up ..personal??

..all thru the call
why don't you come over....let me email you..we will talk again ....
he said what's your email and I said I'm changing it
there's this great music tape of Susan's.. why don't you come over
I spent the call basically fielding his attempts at connection

and then I said....
listen please tell Mary she' s welcome to contact me anytime
Well I can't promise she will....
that's fine but I WANT HER TO HAVE ACCESS TO ME.
SUSAN WOULD HAVE WANTED THAT

he said yes and then he tried to talk about lunch
I said ..it's hectic for me
he said well after the first of the year...we will have tea

take good care and please dont forget to tell Mary
that I am HERE for HER

Now that I know his intentions..I can be blunt if he tries again
..I'm not the right support for you and I don't feel comfortable
respond vis a card

I have to say it made my soul sick , how dishonorable can a man be?

my sentiments exactly ..pathetic and disgusting..
I was nauseous when I hung up

 

[kayte]

well me personally even if somebody died and two people who were close to the deceased got together I wouldn't think it was a bad thing solely if it was based on something genuine ....

I do believe there is a circumstance where someone is
hurting lonely and wants to connect just to be able to somehow re-connect to his wife..and some of that is present and one can be of support..and all of that's good ...and I'd have No hesitation in that instance.
I am a very loyal loving friend
don't think that is what's going on here

loved ones to move on and be happy and sometimes its not always about they had a thing before or even planned n e thing....something so tragic could have sparked and opened up to something neither of them planned, expected or thought could ever happen....

I'd personally be very cautious on this ...being of close support to
a male where there could be
possiblity of something even unexepected

a man and a woman together alone
at the end of the day is still a man and a woman
together alone
I am always aware of that..

 

[kayte]

Has he tried to connect with any of her other friends, that you know of?

I don't know...that call was so unpleasant....it did not allow me time to even ask...

 

[kayte]

Maybe he is interested in doing business with you (i.e. more publications) and is trying to open the door to that opportunity.

In the past...he has not hesitated to promote his work.....
and I wish that's all this was...but the focus was not there

 

[FlowerHair]

If I were you I would not go.
I would, however, try to write something about my friend and send to the daughter as a memory from someone who knew her. Maybe a poem or a few memories of your impression of your friend. :Rose:

 

[DSP]

Well, now you know for certain what he's about. What a vile pig.

I do hope you'll be able to connect with the daughter. It would be lovely and a comfort for you both to share memories of her mother. As for her putz of a father: May his penis rot and fall off. The piece of filth.

 

[tiara76]

I do believe there is a circumstance where someone is
hurting lonely and wants to connect just to be able to somehow re-connect to his wife..and some of that is present and one can be of support..and all of that's good ...and I'd have No hesitation in that instance.
I am a very loyal loving friend
don't think that is what's going on here




I'd personally be very cautious on this ...being of close support to
a male where there could be
possiblity of something even unexepected

a man and a woman together alone
at the end of the day is still a man and a woman
together alone
I am always aware of that..

lol of course...I mean in instances where a true intimate relationship develops between them...if both people were genuine loving people and got together I wouldn't see a problem with it...if i died and that happened with a close friend of mines and my ex's I would bless the union from my own realm with love.....thats what i mean when I personally don't see a problem with people connecting even if it turns into something more....

that being said I didn't have the idea in my head that your situation was n e thing like that and if you think he has questionable intents and wasn't operating as a loving person while your friend was still alive, and you feel within he's still not in a better place its better to trust your instincts than to create a situation that you don't have to experience to know better

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

I found some great things of Susan's ..you will have to come over...
He said I know some personal things about you that I won't go into
Susan admired you ..and she knew thing and of course was private

I was like.....who the hell is bring up ..personal??

All in all, this man is a manipulator. He's trying to force you to get involved because you're the type of person who cares about her reputation. He's lying. It could be that you liked apple red lipstick but he's making it sound like something sordid. Manipulator. And if his daughter is 27, why can't she contact you herself? Is he preventing it? I dunno, Kayte, this sounds dangerous to me....just a wee bit. Of course, he's desperate for a bootycall but his manipulation skills...why doesn't he try that on somebody else? Oh, I forgot, they probably kicked him to the curb lolol! I hate it when men see a genuinely kind person and try to bend them to their own will by hurting them. Yich.

 

[JustKiya]

Ew. Yeah, if he had said you were an exotic beauty, I'd suggest you slap him. I'm glad you followed your gut instincts and stayed away from him. *shudder*
And the implication that he knew intimate things about you and your sexual life? Ew. Ew. Ew.