my best friend's husband slapped her...

[Windsy]

i am in an abusive marriage. at first i would give as good as i get. I never hit first, he would like push me or hemm me up and i would **** him up scratches, punches, knifes pulled, whatever. At first I was like whatever nothing is wrong with this, but then i realized how dumb I was for hitting a grown *** man and decided i would stop hitting him. Then one day in may last yr we got into it and he really scared me and i called the police. I never have been that scared and I never called the police on him. We had to separate for about 2 weeks.

He apologized said he was sorry, said he would never do it again. I had to go to counseling b/c i am in the military. I told him if he wanted us to stay together then he had to go as well. This was the first time my friends heard anything of abuse (i was never black and blue). He went for a while and stopped b/c he said he did not like it.

I knew what caused him to click out and it was his drinking. I gave him an ultimatum, me or the alcohol. He chose alcohol. He would tell me that he is grown and that I could not tell him what to do. I stayed like and idiot. Then on Christmas day last yr we got into it AGAIN and he put his hands on me. Of course he apologized and said he would not do it again. I stayed again. I was/is miserable.

Then one day in june this yr, i decided enough is enough, Im not built for this. A man putting his hands on me no freakin way, no freakin how. Im out, we done. He BEGGED and BEGGED me to reconsider. Talking bout imma give up alcohol so you can see i mean it. But by this time I was so done, and had/have NO respect for him as a man. I knew that it was time to go.

Well in AUGUST of this yr we got into it again, and he did not really put his hands on me but was trying to take something out of my hand that i was not trying to give up (i call that abuse). Then when he got it he later came at me like he wanted to hit me. I left my house and got one of our friends and he talked to him. That is when ANY lingering feelings I had about us staying together flew completely out of the window.

some men hit once and NEVER hit again, a temporary lapse in judgment. Some men hit and apologize and hit and apologize. You can't tell someone to leave when they are just not ready. What really helped me realize that I gotta go is my friend was telling me how her ex-husband almost killed her. I did not want that to be me.

I did not tell my story for sympathy or people to tell me how crazy i am. While we are still legally married, we are technically separated.

WOW!! I really admire you for sharing this and you will be in my prayers.

I've never been in an abusive relationship however, I was a child of parents in an abusive relationship. My dad used to hit my mom. I used to hate her for taking it until I became an adult and she decided to sit us down and talk about it and I cried for weeks after the conversation. My mom stayed because of me and my sisters until she could get herself to the point that she could take care of us by herself. She always encourage us to learn to take care of ourselves just incase. Never depend 100% on your spouse or SO and to always make sure you are in a position that if you have to make an exit, you and any children involved will be ok. My mom worked and bought a house so that none of her children have to stay and take abuse.

I know we all say, Heck no, he hit me he die but you never know until you are actually in that situation.

 

[NOEChic]

WOW!! I really admire you for sharing this and you will be in my prayers.

I've never been in an abusive relationship however, I was a child of parents in an abusive relationship. My dad used to hit my mom. I used to hate her for taking it until I became an adult and she decided to sit us down and talk about it and I cried for weeks after the conversation. My mom stayed because of me and my sisters until she could get herself to the point that she could take care of us by herself. She always encourage us to learn to take care of ourselves just incase. Never depend 100% on your spouse or SO and to always make sure you are in a position that if you have to make an exit, you and any children involved will be ok. My mom worked and bought a house so that none of her children have to stay and take abuse.

I know we all say, Heck no, he hit me he die but you never know until you are actually in that situation.

Thanks, it took a whole lot for me to put that out here, b/c i dont want a lot of people to know my situation ya know what i mean.

 

[NYAmicas]

Thanks, it took a whole lot for me to put that out here, b/c i dont want a lot of people to know my situation ya know what i mean.

Thanks for sharing Michiko! *Hugs*

 

[Aviah]

What gets me is that it *seems* he feels she needs him, he can disrespect her, and treat her the way he pleases. It takes a lot to just walk out like that especially in a marriage with multiple kids and no degree. Sweeping it under the carpet, him apologizing so late after the fact... all of it just sounds like the beginning. I've had a friend go thru this, and I understand you not tell her to leave him. To some of these women it makes no difference. But the sooner she realizes that this can get very ugly very fast (preferably from you, if you can see it) then she can make a more informed decision as to what to do. She probably knows, deep down she knows. But sometimes we need to hear it. All the best...

 

[jamaicalovely]

OP, you did the right thing. She has to make that decision on her own. Ladies who have been in this situation, I soooo admire your courage. You are blessing some young lady reading this thread with your testimony.

 

[song_of_serenity]

Any updates OP?

 

[growth2come]

I agree with your post...you cannot tell anyone when they should leave their abusive partner...one of my sisters friend has been beaten to a pulp and she still hasnt left...she has come to my sisters house at crazy hours with bruises take to the police only to chicken out right on the door....too many times to count....yep she is still with the partner. My sisters is fed up of trying to help someone one who doesnt seem to want the help...cant help but wonder if this person is enjoying the beating!.....SO I guess I am in agreement with you for not telling your friend not to leave her husband because you CANNOT make her do anything she isnt ready to do herself but you can try and help her have some sort of indepence...ie getting a course of some sort...her own account and stuff....just in case.

 

[Ladybelle]

IMHO, the abuse started waaaay before he ever put his hands on her- she just didn't realize it until she felt the physical impact.

The abuse probably started a long time ago, men who hit on on women work their way up (usually) to being physically abusive. They slowly put their victims into a vulnerable position. It starts with other subtler things first, like control (he obviously controls her- she has nothing of her own) and lack of respect. Instead of her noticing it and taking control or demanding respect, she allowed things to continue to disintegrate.

I don't know what she is going to do, not my business to say what she should do. I do know that she must be the change she wants to see in her marriage or this won't be the last time he lays his hands on her, does something stupid, gets crazy phone calls and all the others mess he's become comfortable doing. She's gotta love herself FIRST and once she gets accustomed to doing that, she'll make him do the same. If he isn't wise enough to also change, she'll make the choice to keep loving herself and leave him where he is at until he decides to come up to her level- that won't happen if she won't elevate herself beyond the foolishness. I only pray she chooses not to let this cycle continue, if not for herself for her children. Children raised in homes with domestic violence are much,much more likely to either be abusive or be abused.

************************
Now, to get off of my rant and answer your question: my question is, do you ever think it's ok to stay in a relationship after he hits you? have you ever? i know it's easy to say "i ain't lettin no man beat on me!" but let's be real...there are other issues that sometimes come into play. if you don't want to post, then please just vote...honestly. I think this is not a "yes" or "no" question, this is a question where each relationship is dealt with on a case by case basis. I think very rarely does abuse end in relationships without something drastic happening. This drastic thing can either be very positive or negative. The extreme negatives (murder, death) are so great that it sometimes isn't worth the risk to wait for change to occur. Most of the abusive situations I saw turn around were cases where the women seperated herself from the husband and demanded change/counseling or the woman did something dangerous to show she wasn't going to get hit on anymore (shooting at the abuser or pressing charges, etc). I don't think I know of a situation where the guy just decided he wasn't going to be abusive anymore. I also know of a rare occassion where the couple (who abused each other) got back involved in church, went on an intensive marriage retreat and never hit each other again. I also think EVERYONE says they would leave, but NO ONE knows what they will do until it happens.

 

[music-bnatural-smile]

i'm just saying... i'd way rather be slapped than cheated on or raped...
i can throw boiling water on him if he is trying to play games
then we can talk once we're even...

juuuust saying...

 

[Ladybelle]

i'm just saying... i'd way rather be slapped than cheated on or raped...
i can throw boiling water on him if he is trying to play games :lol
then we can talk once we're even...

juuuust saying...

talk about putting things into perspective, lmbo! After, I stopped laughing I realized you make a good point though.

 

[mswoman]

An abusive man can turn from the abuse if that evil spirit is taken out of him. I'll explain, i was married to a nice man until an evil spirit of adultry was put on him by someone evil so that he could have a child. At this point he hit me a couple of times and one time it went too far because the neighbors called the police. In my state if the police are called they automatically take the man to jail and press charges on behalf of the state. Praise God!!! He no longer hit me and we went to a minister to get the evil spirit removed. But I later found out he had cheated on me and had a daughter. The woman whom he had the child with is very evil and he now sees that for himself. But they are married now so it's kind of too late.

Unless you have been in a situation when of abuse you WILL NOT understand why women stay. Looking back I will say I stayed due to the shame I felt concerning the situation becuase I would hit back and actually knocked his shoulder out of place one time. Anyway, if you do decide to help a woman out of the situation make sure she does not tell him she is going to leave. Go to a shelter or another state to hide out but do not let him know. I wish more states were like mines that would prosecute men or women without the person whom was abused consent. This would get a lot more of the abusers out of the street.

 

[Lovestyr]

No explaination is required...just leave and move on.

 

[weaveadiva]

(don't know how this old thread got bumped )

Any updates OP?

yes, but nothing good

[highlight]turns out this wasn't the first time he'd hit her[/highlight]
she let it slip in conversation

one day they had an argument and we had to actually leave the house with the children because he was on his way home and she didn't know how he was gonna react

we were seriously thinking about getting a room for the night

y'all, when i found out i didn't know how to respond. all kinda things were running through my head..."how long has this reallybeen going on?!"..."i wonder if the children know"..."GTFOH!"...

i hate to say it, but i'm starting to see my friend a little differently. if you ladies knew how she acts toward/treats her husband, you'd be as shocked as i am. she's all mouth and attitude. some of the things she says to him i would never say to someone i loved.

i wouldn't in a million yrs think she'd let someone beat on her. i guess that tough exterior just hides her insecurities and doubts. i wonder if she knows how great she can really be?

*sigh* i'm also fairly sure he's running around, but that's another whole story

what an awkward situation. i used to love this dude, because i love her and he's her husband. now i feel like i'm enabling the situation in a way, saying i'm ok with it because i know and act like nothing happened

i don't understand...if she forgives him, and he's her husband, what am i supposed to do? ignore him? never come over again?

 

[weaveadiva]

i was so hoping the "if he did it once, he'll do it again" saying wouldn't apply in this situation...

 

[natural2008]

I agree with you weavediva often times u cannot give advice to folks in realtionships because they are going to to what they want to do. I stay out of couples arguments/disagrements.

 

[DrC]

Is he the possesive type??

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

.................................................

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

I've come to realize that in situations like this, you have a choice of A) the safe, PC, ambiguous response or B) The brutal truth.

I always choose the truth, inform her that I say it because I care and let the chips fall where they may with the friendship. My conscious will be clear and I will have known I did the right thing.

If the woman is just prone to a string of bad decisions overall or too much drama I tend to eventually distance myself though...just being real. They'll come back around when they're serious about making a change in their lives.