my best friend's husband slapped her...

would you/have you worked out an abusive relationship?

  • i have been in an abusive relationship

    Votes: 25 10.3%

  • if it was the first time, i'd consider working it out

    Votes: 37 15.2%

  • if we had kids, i'd consider working it out

    Votes: 8 3.3%

  • i'm out...if he did it once, he'll do it again

    Votes: 154 63.4%

  • other (please state)

    Votes: 19 7.8%
  • Total voters
    243
All you can do is be there for her should she decide to leave. You cannot make her do anything.

I had a friend who was abused for years. I never told her explicitly to leave but I did offer my parents house if she wanted to leave (I was only 18). I saw her with two black eyes one night (after she confronted him for cheating). He has a child with a neighbor about 1 week apart from their son but she did not leave him - even after he raped her and beat her many times. In fact, I heard from reliable sources that they got married.:nono:

I have no idea what ever happened between them since I went to college and moved away. I just hope he stopped abusing her finally?
 
As someone who has been in an abusive relationship, it's up to her to make that decision. I had good, sound advice for years about leaving my ex and I didn't listen. She has to reach her limit(whatever that may be) and when she's ready, hopefully she will be able to leave him before it gets even worse. Most women just want someone to listen to them, they are not looking for your advice, and are not going to put it into action. The best thing you can do is just be there for her.
 
im in one too.i lft a few days ago...he told me if i try to leave him for good,im dead.........i dealt with it 2 years... im standing up for myself now....i ant ancwerin no calls or nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!:nono:
 
I ended my first marriage over one punch. I was completely moved out and the marriage license was ripped into pieces on the kitchen floor within the week.

Violence in any form is unacceptable. I have seen people ignore (which is what you did) another person being abused. The reason is usually fear and confusion as to how to handle the abuse. I don't doubt you care for your friend but you need to educate yourself on how to support her thru this.

Start by Googling the phrase: my friend is being abused.
 
It has been in my experience with friends that no matter what advice YOU give, she will make her own decision anyway. I have known friends to stay with boyfriends that repeatedly gave them STDs to the point where they cannot have children. Love is a something that makes both women and men utterly stupid.
 
I think it is good to support your friend, but if her decision to stay starts to affect you then it maybe best to let her figure her marriage out and maybe you should be her friend from a distance.

I say this because my friend (the one I just posted about) just got to the point where she was depressing me. It seemed that after every operation or new infection, she would be hurt and sad, but none of that was enough to make her leave. Her reasoning being that she only wants to have slept with one person in her lifetime (why do women poison their minds with such garbage??). So after everything was back to normal, she would continue sleeping with him with no protection (she said "if he uses a condom, i feel like a whore"). I would get depressed and just scared, so i unofficially ended the friendship. They are still together.
 
weaveadiva said:
my question is, do you ever think it's ok to stay in a relationship after he hits you? have you ever? i know it's easy to say "i ain't lettin no man beat on me!" but let's be real...there are other issues that sometimes come into play.
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You are absolutely right, there are other issues that “come into play”.

Respect is a HUGE issue for me. I wouldn’t be able to get past the fact that my husband could find a way to control his anger towards people who don’t do a fraction of the things for him that I do, but could lose control and UTTERLY disrespect the person who takes his thoughts and feelings into consideration with EVERYTHING she does.

As far as “losing control” goes, life is difficult and unpredictable. If he were to “lose control” once, who’s to say he wouldn’t do it again? Sorry, I’m his wife, not his punching bag. :nono: Besides, I control my words and actions out of respect for him, no matter how hard it is. I DEMAND that he does the same in return.
 
MD_Lady said:
You are absolutely right, there are other issues that “come into play”.

Respect is a HUGE issue for me. I wouldn’t be able to get past the fact that my husband could find a way to control his anger towards people who don’t do a fraction of the things for him that I do, but could lose control and UTTERLY disrespect the person who takes his thoughts and feelings into consideration with EVERYTHING she does.

As far as “losing control” goes, life is difficult and unpredictable. If he were to “lose control” once, who’s to say he wouldn’t do it again? Sorry, I’m his wife, not his punching bag. :nono: Besides, I control my words and actions out of respect for him, no matter how hard it is. I DEMAND that he does the same in return.
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My sentiments exactly...and my reasons for leaving. Who needs to live with that kind of fear?
 
I'm going to be a lone decenter here.

This woman is not living in fear and it's obvious that she does her own antagonizing too. Not saying that getting physical is right, but what did she do to nip his behavior in the bud before it got to this level. I have seen so many of my female "friends" darn near begging a man or another person to hit them with their behavior.

He is wrong as heck for hitting her. Very very wrong.

She hit him back. That's equally wrong and setting the wrong precedent.

Should she stay? If she and he can work it out, maybe, that's her decision.

But like everyone else said, it's not your place to say and she would never listen to you anyway. Just be there for her if it gets worse.

And yes, I have been in an abusive relationship before. I packed up my stuff and moved from NY back to MD that same week. We had a pretty good relationship until his father and bestfriend died within the same month. Then it just went downhill quickly. Before that day of the incident, he was emotional and spiritually destroying me. And guess what, I allowed it to happen, making excuses because he was sooooo darn depressed. Patching up holes in the wall, picking him up from county after he'd been locked up overnight for beating some poor person up on the street, allowing him to disrespect me in every way imaginable.

It came to a head a few days before I left NY for good. He hit and kicked me one day because I didn't want him to leave. He'd been staying out all night a few times, and I had no idea where he was; I latched on to his leg to get him to stay. Can you believe it? WTF. I laugh at myself now because it was so foolish. :lachen:So he dragged me, shook me, I didn't let go, he was able to get me off of him, I latched on to him then he pushed me into the floor HARD like some dude, and when I reached for him again, he kicked me (not to down play it but to be specific, he pushed me with his foot, I classify that as a kick.) It was allll kinds of wrong. And I left. Not even because of the physical factor, but because he had nothing but rage and emptiness in his eyes and technically, I hadn't done anything to evoke that. Not at all. I knew he wasn't the man I loved, that man was gone. That man would never abuse me.

Three years later I was back out of stupidity. But I came to my senses and let that go a few months later. And he's now my friend who lives far far away that I send Christmas gifts to his kids every once in a while. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel that I was a catalyst to his lifelong healing, because honestly he's been angry his entire life. I excused it because he was never angry with ME until that day. As long as it was the world, or a wall, or his brother and not me or his mother, I was cool. STUPID! Just dumb.

I will say that I am glad that he got help, I'm glad that he's never done that again to anyone. And that incident helped him figure out his own pain and he's never intentionally hurt another human physically or emotionally again. (It took him many years to get there though.) Many.

So be her friend, you did the RIGHT thing. She will figure it out. And if she stays, it doesn't maker he weak, it makes her choosy and she is choosing, hopefully, to find a way to repair it.
 
1QTPie said:
I'm going to be a lone decenter here.

This woman is not living in fear and it's obvious that she does her own antagonizing too. Not saying that getting physical is right, but what did she do to nip his behavior in the bud before it got to this level. I have seen so many of my female "friends" darn near begging a man or another person to hit them with their behavior.

He is wrong as heck for hitting her. Very very wrong.

She hit him back. That's equally wrong and setting the wrong precedent.

Should she stay? If she and he can work it out, maybe, that's her decision.

But like everyone else said, it's not your place to say and she would never listen to you anyway. Just be there for her if it gets worse.

And yes, I have been in an abusive relationship before. I packed up my stuff and moved from NY back to MD that same week. We had a pretty good relationship until his father and bestfriend died within the same month. Then it just went downhill quickly. Before that day of the incident, he was emotional and spiritually destroying me. And guess what, I allowed it to happen, making excuses because he was sooooo darn depressed. Patching up holes in the wall, picking him up from county after he'd been locked up overnight for beating some poor person up on the street, allowing him to disrespect me in every way imaginable.

It came to a head a few days before I left NY for good. He hit and kicked me one day because I didn't want him to leave. He'd been staying out all night a few times, and I had no idea where he was; I latched on to his leg to get him to stay. Can you believe it? WTF. I laugh at myself now because it was so foolish. :lachen:So he dragged me, shook me, I didn't let go, he was able to get me off of him, I latched on to him then he pushed me into the floor HARD like some dude, and when I reached for him again, he kicked me (not to down play it but to be specific, he pushed me with his foot, I classify that as a kick.) It was allll kinds of wrong. And I left. Not even because of the physical factor, but because he had nothing but rage and emptiness in his eyes and technically, I hadn't done anything to evoke that. Not at all. I knew he wasn't the man I loved, that man was gone. That man would never abuse me.

Three years later I was back out of stupidity. But I came to my senses and let that go a few months later. And he's now my friend who lives far far away that I send Christmas gifts to his kids every once in a while. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel that I was a catalyst to his lifelong healing, because honestly he's been angry his entire life. I excused it because he was never angry with ME until that day. As long as it was the world, or a wall, or his brother and not me or his mother, I was cool. STUPID! Just dumb.

I will say that I am glad that he got help, I'm glad that he's never done that again to anyone. And that incident helped him figure out his own pain and he's never intentionally hurt another human physically or emotionally again. (It took him many years to get there though.) Many.

So be her friend, you did the RIGHT thing. She will figure it out. And if she stays, it doesn't maker he weak, it makes her choosy and she is choosing, hopefully, to find a way to repair it.
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Thanks for posting this. There are quite a few similarities in your story as is in mine...and we too are "almost" friends now..but that's where it stops.:)
 
My mother always said "1st time shame on you, 2nd time shame on me, there's not gonna be a 3rd"
I thin kanyone can do something out of character once, but if it happens twice there's no excuse and no reconciling.
 
I didn't even read the whole thing.

This is one of the TWO reasons I'd ever get a divorce. It would be an absolute no brainer for me.

I agree that you should never advise a person on their marriage though. I think OP should listen, be supportive of whatever she does.
 
prettypuff1 said:
I have never been hit, but my aunt has. She left her husband and he still came back and killed her. I dont want the same for your friend
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The same thing happened to my aunt.

My sister is in a situation where her BF keeps putting his hands on her and I basically told her that leaving him is only a decision she can make for herself. I think she should get to steppin but I'm sure it is easier said than done. I mean most of us think how could someone ever stay in a situation like that but never being in that predicament I can't say what I would do. I'd like to think that I would be strong enough to walk away but I think we've all thought we'd handle certain situations in a particular way and then when actually faced with it we reacted differently. I'm concerned that it will progressively get worse but I can't MAKE her do anything. All I can do is pray for her and my nephews.
 
weaveadiva said:
...and i didn't tell her to leave.

*sigh* before y'all curse me out, here's the deal

(the abridged version...don't have time to type out all the details)

they had already been having some problems, like him getting suspicious phone calls, coming home whenever-the-heck he feels like it, her not having any goals for her life (his words, not mine)...so things were already shaky.

then she calls me at like 1 in the morning, saying he had come home, they argued and he hit her...to "slap some sense into her" (his words) :down: and of course she hit him back :down:

my first thought was utter disappointment...i would never expect him to lose his f****** mind like that. so more than being upset, i was actually let down.

i asked her if she was ok, she said yeah. she wasn't crying or anything, just angry and confused. i then asked her about my babies (her kids). she said they were sleep, but you know kids hear more than we think they do. i can't imagine them sleeping through that.

anyway, she asked me if she should leave, and i said, and i quote, "i can't answer that for you. i can't tell you to leave your husband, or to stay with him. i think maybe you should just spend some time apart, until you get your mind clear, and decide what you want to do."

really, who am i to tell her to leave him? people do things in the heat of the moment that they often regret, and i did not want to be the reason behind that.

i am in no way condoning abuse in a relationship on either side. she needs help as much as he does. but my thing is, if she truly wanted to leave him, instead of calling asking me for advice, she would've called and said, "weaveadiva, i'm leaving my husband," ya know? so that right there lets me know she wasn't really ready.

as we know, you cannot make a woman leave a man, period. many women remain in abusive relationships, even after soliciting advice from firends/family. if she is truly unhappy/fed up, i want her on leave on her own accord, not because her best friend told her it was the thing to do.

i know, i should be worried about her safety, but how can her when she isn't even? he came with some lame ol' 2-day late apology, she forgave him and he agreed to go to counseling. she set something up, he went one time , said he didn't like it, and of course she didn't press it.

so now everything is honky-dory. she doesn't even talk about it, like it never happened. i don't bring it up either. i don't want to keep rehashing it, 'cause apparently she wants to sweep it under the rug.

this is the first time he's laid hands on her, and honestly, i am more worried about their issues than him flipping again. the night she called me, it was "i hate him!...i'm miserable in this marriage...i want to leave him..." i just don't understand how you can feel this way one day and 2 weeks later it's all good. do you think the problems will magically disappear? ok, you want to work it out, no problem. but you can't ignore the issues...you have to deal with them or they'll just come back...and then what? back to square 1.

i also want her to be more proactive in her own life. she has no education (well, high school only), no job (he takes care of everything), has never lived on her own. she has absolutely no checking, savings, ...nothing. if she wanted to leave, where would she go? and with multiple kids? how would she make it?

my question is, do you ever think it's ok to stay in a relationship after he hits you? have you ever? i know it's easy to say "i ain't lettin no man beat on me!" but let's be real...there are other issues that sometimes come into play. if you don't want to post, then please just vote...honestly.

p.s. no, he has never hit the kids
p.p.s. i am happy with what i told her...so no advice on that, please

thanks for the vent ladies this has been bothering me a bit lately *sigh*
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I just want to say I agree with your advice and your reasoning behind it, it actually makes perfect sense, having dealt with abused women one on one so much and living it myself, they have to come to terms with the fact that its even abuse on their own terms in their own way, that just wasnt her defining moment , although painful, it usually isnt the first time. There are so many layers to abuse, for both the abuser and the one being abused, that in no in one istance could it all be addressed, that would be an extremely rare occasion. You did the right thing in supporting her through it and not thinking for her, as she wlll probably need you in the future she needs to know she has a friend that gives her that safe place and space
 
foxxymami said:
This statement scares the bajeebees (sp?) outta me :perplexed
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yeah its like it skipped the usual levels of emotional abuse escalating and its very rare an abuser is in total control that long! Thats really scarey because it leaves you feeling like you never really know what your really getting into!
 
Damn that slap will not be the last time he puts his hands on her. If a man crosses the line to hit his wife then what is going to stop him from doing it again?
 
That's a bad situation made worse by her lack of independence.

As someone who has been on the friend side, the patience of relative & friends only goes so far with an adult who cannot care for herself & has no resources.

One of my BFFs when through years of emotional & physical abuse w/ loud protests about how she would never return until she did. In the interim, she developed mental issues & had her 2nd child with this person. Their relationship caused a strain between her & her family. Recently, she asked if she could bring her kids to stay with me before she checked into a shelter & as hard as it was my answer was no. There was too much continuing on-the-record (court cases, police, social services) drama & she had not worked in years.
 
...and he didn't wake up dead? That won't be the last time, unfortunately, unless she does something about it which is always easier said than done.
 
She needs to leave him. Otherwise he'll do it again for she has given him permission to do so by staying. :nono:
 
she is grown and no amount of advice in the world is going to get her to leave if she doesnt want to or is not ready to. pickin up and leavin is much easier said than done in most cases.
 
belleama said:
My daughter's father hit me once. I went home packed and then DD and I stayed in a shelter for two months while I saved up enough money to get myself another apartment. I haven't looked back.

As far as advising the friend I think you did the right thing. If she wanted to leave she would've left. She wouldn't be asking for your permission to do it.

My sister's ex husband was abusive but she stayed and stayed and stayed. No matter how many times I told her to leave she wouldn't. So finally one day when he beat her again she called me crying. I had to tell here I was tired of hearing about it and to STFU or do something about it. I think she cursed me out that night but she did end up leaving him a week later.

At the end of the day people need to make their own decisions.
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I feel you....a close friend of mines was going thru the most with her man for about two years...and each time she called herself leaving I was right there helping her "leave"....taking and paying for hotels for her, talking to her I was always there to "help" her, and yet she kept goin back.....one time while they were "broke up" he kept callin and callin her and she answered and u could tell by how she was talking she was going back and I asked her how come she didn't just tell him "no"....she looked at me and started crying and said....I don't know how to say no .... and of course after that, another incident she came crying to me about I just had to tell her that this is gettin real old....

he does the same crap over and over again...you doon't know how to deal with him, you don't know how to help him, you don't know how to read him you guys are not in "love", you are in a wreckless destructive cycle of misery, hate and self loathing and you feed off of each other with it, you are very weak minded and at some point you are going to make a move thats good for you....until then....you just gonna have to stop crying, stop complaining, take them *** whoopings like a woman and be okay with the choices and decisions you are making in life and I can only pray the day comes when you figure out you are worth more than this comes before he kills you.....but Im tired of hearing about it from you, tired of him always on my phone crying or tellin me to stay out of it when both of them keep bringing me into it so Im done....keep my name out of your mouth, please keep me out of your business and Im not feelin the energy you are bringing around.....I can't stay down with you...anytime you ready to come up, Im right here.....

she told me later thats the first time she saw me cry, it was one of the harder things to do in life, esp when you desperately want to save somebody else and I have come to learn

you can't save anyone who doesnt want to be saved or help those who dont' want to be help or are unwilling to help themselves
 
i am in an abusive marriage. at first i would give as good as i get. I never hit first, he would like push me or hemm me up and i would **** him up scratches, punches, knifes pulled, whatever. At first I was like whatever nothing is wrong with this, but then i realized how dumb I was for hitting a grown *** man and decided i would stop hitting him. Then one day in may last yr we got into it and he really scared me and i called the police. I never have been that scared and I never called the police on him. We had to separate for about 2 weeks.

He apologized said he was sorry, said he would never do it again. I had to go to counseling b/c i am in the military. I told him if he wanted us to stay together then he had to go as well. This was the first time my friends heard anything of abuse (i was never black and blue). He went for a while and stopped b/c he said he did not like it.

I knew what caused him to click out and it was his drinking. I gave him an ultimatum, me or the alcohol. He chose alcohol. He would tell me that he is grown and that I could not tell him what to do. I stayed like and idiot. Then on Christmas day last yr we got into it AGAIN and he put his hands on me. Of course he apologized and said he would not do it again. I stayed again. I was/is miserable.

Then one day in june this yr, i decided enough is enough, Im not built for this. A man putting his hands on me no freakin way, no freakin how. Im out, we done. He BEGGED and BEGGED me to reconsider. Talking bout imma give up alcohol so you can see i mean it. But by this time I was so done, and had/have NO respect for him as a man. I knew that it was time to go.

Well in AUGUST of this yr we got into it again, and he did not really put his hands on me but was trying to take something out of my hand that i was not trying to give up (i call that abuse). Then when he got it he later came at me like he wanted to hit me. I left my house and got one of our friends and he talked to him. That is when ANY lingering feelings I had about us staying together flew completely out of the window.

some men hit once and NEVER hit again, a temporary lapse in judgment. Some men hit and apologize and hit and apologize. You can't tell someone to leave when they are just not ready. What really helped me realize that I gotta go is my friend was telling me how her ex-husband almost killed her. I did not want that to be me.

I did not tell my story for sympathy or people to tell me how crazy i am. While we are still legally married, we are technically separated.
 
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