Dealing with insecurities of being a black woman in the dating scene

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I'm Nov. 15, btw!

You're right that there are women of all races who deem themselves to be "too busy" to date while in school. My point was that black women, based on my experience, seem to be the only ones taught/instructed by family, friends, peers, etc., that we should wait until a specific period of time to date.

Now this might not be the case for black women raised in the South though, or who have people with southern roots. Those girls have a MRS degree on their list of priorities!!!

As for the idea of giving a man a chance... again, I focus on the idea of "a chance." At some point, a woman will know when she's not feeling a dude, and by all means, she should move on. I certainly have.

But I see women (of all backgrounds) deciding after one date or two that there is no romantic interest and she barely knows the man... or she has an idea in her head that the type of man she wants must be XYZ, and since this one is ABC, then it's not gonna work.

I give all men a blank slate. If the impression they leave is negative, then they get Xed. If the impression they leave is neutral, I leave room for them to keep trying and for feelings to possibly develop on my end. I believe in chemistry and romance, for sure, but I'm not one who believes that it must be there instantly for a relationship to work... I give it time to see if it develops.

It's funny you mention the South because my parents are Southerners though I grew up in California. My mom married my dad at 21 right after finishing college. She met him her first day of college (he was a junior) and would've married him sooner had my grandparents not stepped in lol. But there were some other factors too. It surprised her that I didn't meet anyone in college, didn't date nor show much interest in dating. She tried endlessly to set me up. It never worked and after nearly an intervention she let it go. But now that I'm in grad school and making career decisions she's now pushing me to look for a husband lol.

But I see what you're saying about giving guys a chance. Obviously if you get a real negative vibe from a guy cut him loose but don't dump a guy just because you don't have chemistry with him straight away. It definitely takes time on my end to develop.

Nov 21 btw!!!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I used to have insecurities because i was so busy trying to be accepted and SEEN by people whose barometers of beauty were set to white girl( and thats black and white men) i got over it, because it made me so unhappy that i was missing out on my life, in my 30's though. People have their preconceptions, black men do and white men do, its not your responsibility to correct them, I found, just be as authentic as you can be and if you find someone at least they are into you because you showed them who you really are.

not really sure what this is about, skimmed through alot of the posts and most of it seems( i say seems) to be about how white men perceive or accept you as a black woman. some of you do mention black men, so i give you credit for that, but what is this insecurity, and where does it stem from OP??? trying to interacially date or just being with a black man in general?

i will tell you this, every woman black or white has insecurities in their twenties. you get to your 30's and your like wtf was i so worried about. you get to your 40's and your like i dont give a ***k about what you think of me i'm doing me. I wish to this day i got to the I dont give a ***k sooner. i have dated white, black, asian and to be honest if you are doing it just to prove a point, its going to be a hard ride for you. why compete against a eurocentric aesthetic that predominantly focuses on the things we can never be, embrace every thing that is you.
Its been said I suppose but it doesnt matter who doesnt like you, who doesnt want you, who doesnt find you attractive Do you want you?do you like you? do you know you? do you find you attractive????? if you do, trust and believe the men will come and you wont have to beg. Dont give a ***k about the rest. accept yoursef first.



mi dun.

I was sharing my experience as a black woman in my freshman/sophomore year of college. We aren't talking about white men, but all men, including black. I find that in some settings, black women are placed in a box, and if you are unique and do not fit into that box, you are ignored. It was this way for many of my friends and me in college. Things changed as we got older of course. I think it is important for us to understand how certain qualities influence our success in the dating world and how to make those qualities work to our advantage. For example, being a smart girl or a female sports fan in some settings will get you few to no dates, so what do you do to change that?

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I'm still waiting for the femininity explanation.

Also, I want to mention my insecurity with online dating sites hopefully to get some help. I've been on various online dating sites (OKC, pof, bp, bpm,afroromance) for a couple of years now, and I've only gotten one date from them. I've made changes to my profile content, put nice pictures up with body and face shots, and have gotten it reviewed by several objective people. They said my page and pictures were fine. However, I may get like 3 views a week and maybe one message a month.

To test if something was wrong with my page, I changed my picture to a lighter/white looking girl and the views and thoughtful messages INSTANTLY start flowing in. Changed it back to my picture, INSTANTLY back to normal. What's going on here? I know that some of you have had success with online dating, but I know my race/skin color is holding me back on these sites for some odd reason. [/rant]

Anyways, back to trying to figure out how to get dates in real life.

The online dating world is an interesting one, and does not always reflect 'real world' dating. You come across many superficial people who use online dating as a way to filter out 99% of the population and 'create the perfect mate'. For example, I'll see women on there who put in their profiles that their mate must be 6'3 and above, yet you know that in the real world they talk to guys much shorter than that. Online dating was frustrating to me because I would get a lot of flirts and messages but those guys would disappear after a while. The light/white looking woman probably got a bunch of responses, but you know those men were juggling women and quantity means nothing in online dating. I think online dating is a great tool to use in addition to meeting people in the real world, but there are some downsides. I know some women have great success online, but I do much better in the real world.