Dealing with insecurities of being a black woman in the dating scene

[NYLegalNewbie]

Stop putting yourself in situations and around people that bring out your insecurities. Choose to put yourself in some situations where YOU are a star, through talents, interests or personality.

This is the same point that my friend has been trying to drive home for me for the LONGEST time, and I've only recently been "getting it" so to speak. When you're somewhere that you're comfortable and you're around people who make you comfortable, it just makes a world of difference. When I'm comfortable , happy and feeling good, I shine brighter than the sun at noontime in the Sahara.

But when I'm feeling low...I might as well be a spectre.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

It's crazy how much male attention a woman will get when she's alone. It is enough to make you want to ditch the friends on the weekend and fly solo. I have too many male friends, and going places with any type of male in the crew will ruin your chances of meeting guys. When you go places with people, you often pay so much attention to them that you don't even recognize your surroundings. Friends tend to be a security blanket in social settings for the extremely shy. This is something even I need to get over.

 

[anon123]

One last thing about IR... contrary to what folks say about young people being open-minded, I find that those non-black men open to dating black women don't really get to that point until their mid-20s or so. Younger than that, and they still have that block in their minds that the cute black girl in their class could be a prospect just as much as Becky can be. So I often tell college black girls not to take a lack of IR interest personally... I don't think the men are "ready" yet.

This is interesting. I was moved to an area and school with few to no black people (my school actually had no black males in it and only 2 other black girls) right at puberty (age 12). If non-black males aren't "ready" to be interested in black girls until 25+, I must have spent a great deal of time being passed over. I wonder what such a thing during my formative years did to me.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Having a positive attitude and attractiveness is not interchangeable. They both work together in the field of relationships in my honest opinion. So to make is seem like if you simply work on your personality and adapt a positive outlook on life and you will have men to flock towards you because of your positive energy is an unfair statement. It's untrue in my opinion.

I agree with this because it has been my experience and unfortunately I allowed the lack of esteem in my looks impact my affect. So-so looks (perceived or real) and then a Debbie Downer personality is basically repellant to the male species.

Going back to the issue of women pulling men with personality alone, I'm wondering - if a girl is so-so looking, but with a bubbly personality, is the problem not that she's failing to pull any men, but that she's just not pulling the type of men SHE wants? I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this. For me, I always got hit on my ugly dudes or dudes with absolutely nothing to offer me in terms of their, uh, earning potential

Yes, you have to be physically appealing to a man, but tastes vary. I remember on one BWE/IR blog there was a pic of a :lovedrool: Swedish man with a Schmegel looking broad. (She seriously looked like that little monster dude from Lord of the Rings) However, he was smiling like he hit the lotto TWICE lol... there is a man out there who will think you are foine and be drawn to your personality. You just gotta find him. And I think being out there having the time of your life and being who you really are is where that man will be. If it can happen to Schmegel, it can happen for anyone.

I know the exact couple you are talking about!! When I first saw them, I just stared.

Can y'all post a pic? Or at least a link to a pic? I'm dying of curiosity now . . . .

 

[UmSumayyah]

finally read through everything, and I have to say you ladies have realli opened my eyes.
I have been struggling with dating for like, EVER. I am the shy girl who in my modest way, didn't want to come off as confident. I was also the girl who was scared of guys, I put them on this pedestal as if they were some kind of God. This made me very awkward around guys and made me feel uncomfortable around them. And this also made me standoffish when it came to interacting with guys.
I always wondered why guys never approached me, and I started to feel down and I just started not liking my life because I was lacking male interaction while my friends had an ample amount of male interaction.
I just went out this weekend and I noticed one of my friends...she was getting approached by guys left and right...and I noticed the difference between me and her was her confidence and her ability to be very engaging and comfortable with conversating with guys. While I am the type to just smile and look away (thinking 'OMG, when will this be over--') when a guy talks to me.
I think the steps for me is to just stop doubting myself and stop putting so much significance on what other people think.
Like some of you ladies stated, I need to find what makes me happy about my life or find a realistic way to be happy. I need to be more optimistic and value what I do have.
I have been in this funk for so long, it shows on my face...I'm the chick who guys say 'you need to smile' to. :/
I am going to take the advice you all have given and try it out...hopefully it will work out for me

If that's you in your avi, your problem is NOT your face or your figure. Do report back, we're interested in your results.

 

[EccentricRed]

Sorry it's so long everyone!

I grew up in a small city and went to a majority white school system. Growing up in a location like that caused a pretty large amount of self-esteem issues. First of all, I wasn't white. As a young black girl, you feel like a deviation of the norm when you are constantly among white girls. My hair didn't do what theirs did, it wasn't as long, etc. As I got older, I watched everyone start dating and I had no idea where to begin. I didnt have any boyfriends in HS. I was always labeled as the "cool" girl, the "funny" girl. I was popular among the black and white students at my school. I was considered one of the best athletes in school and I was involved in many organizations. I, like many of the black girls before me, had a difficult time getting dates to dances, because most of the black guys didn't care to go to dances, or they weren't dating black girls. And the white guys weren't really dealing with us either. My senior year it got so bad, I was forced to go stag to Homecoming, which really hurt my feelings. (In addition my friend a black girl who ended up being Homecoming Queen, also went stag! It was crazy.) I found a date for Prom, a white guy I grew up with, but I almost didn't get that until two weeks before. Even though I got a date, it really hurt me that it came down to the last two weeks.

When I entered college, I was at a PWI, and I was hit on by black guys, but I'm not sure if it was because they thought I was cute, or if they were trying to pull impressionable freshmen. (My guess is the latter, because they do it every year.) Because I was an athlete, I ended up getting to know a lot of the male athletes, and I became their homegirl. (Just like in HS.) I've been fighting that off since I was in Junior High School. Once again, I was very popular on campus, active in student organizations, kick it at the parties, clubs, bars, etc. I get complements on my style and how cute I am, but I'm still the homegirl.

For me, the "homegirl" thing is what I hang over my head more than anything else. If a guy gets to know me for awhile, he usually puts me in the "friend box." Once that happens, I have VERY little chance to date him. My male friends tell me that I am pretty, smart, have a nice body, unique style, well-rounded, etc. Heck, I even love sports!

Sometimes I'm sad about my dating life, or lack there of. Much of my self-esteem issues have gone away. I still have a twinge every so once in awhile when I'm sitting by myself, or when I'm out socializing and no one approaches. I normally come into situations like that upbeat and ready to have fun with my girls/boi's, but I normally leave without as much as an approach. I figure (hope) one day, some man will run into my and like ME!

 

[Bunny77]

This is interesting. I was moved to an area and school with few to no black people (my school actually had no black males in it and only 2 other black girls) right at puberty (age 12). If non-black males aren't "ready" to be interested in black girls until 25+, I must have spent a great deal of time being passed over. I wonder what such a thing during my formative years did to me.

Yeah, I don't really have any concrete backing/proof on this, but from my own experience and the conversations I've had with BW who dated interracially (or haven't, but were open to it), what I mentioned really seems to be the case.

And it's not that I wasn't socializing interracially when I was in college (and a little of high school), but even while I was always around non-black men, I always felt "invisible," if that makes any sense. There wasn't even any meaningless flirtation from any of them.

I can't totally put my finger on it, but I'm just thinking about how I rarely see really young IR couples involving black women.

 

[Bunny77]

For me, the "homegirl" thing is what I hang over my head more than anything else. If a guy gets to know me for awhile, he usually puts me in the "friend box." Once that happens, I have VERY little chance to date him. My male friends tell me that I am pretty, smart, have a nice body, unique style, well-rounded, etc. Heck, I even love sports!

Sometimes I'm sad about my dating life, or lack there of. Much of my self-esteem issues have gone away. I still have a twinge every so once in awhile when I'm sitting by myself, or when I'm out socializing and no one approaches. I normally come into situations like that upbeat and ready to have fun with my girls/boi's, but I normally leave without as much as an approach. I figure (hope) one day, some man will run into my and like ME!

Eccentric, I think a lot of people can relate to this. I certainly went through this.

The advice I would give to you and anyone else going through this is to start creating a separate life. By that, I mean to not spend so much time around the same people who are boxing you in. I'm not saying to give up your friends, but if you stay with groups of people that basically "neuter" you and turn you into a non-sexual, friend-girl, that's the role you'll always be in.

You need to meet different people, go different places and recreate yourself in an environment where you're not "Cool/Homegirl Eccentric Red." That goes for anyone else in this thread too... I know this might be more difficult when you are in college, but college seems to be an environment that sometimes can put black women in a box. If all of your socializing is done there, the results are going to be the same, unless you try some groups/clubs there that are completely different from what you're currently doing now!

 

[Syrah]

Sometimes I'm sad about my dating life, or lack there of. Much of my self-esteem issues have gone away. I still have a twinge every so once in awhile when I'm sitting by myself, or when I'm out socializing and no one approaches. I normally come into situations like that upbeat and ready to have fun with my girls/boi's, but I normally leave without as much as an approach. I figure (hope) one day, some man will run into my and like ME!

Don't go out with the intention of being approached - because its an expectation that you have NO control over. I guess thats why doing the things that YOU enjoy is so important, because - when you're having fun, the thought of "am I going to get approached today?" doesn't cross your mind.

A man will run into you and like you! But the question is, what about you is it that you hope he likes first (whats YOUR bait) and are you showcasing that? And again, I'm not talking about ASSets. It only takes ONE. Do you! Whatever it is, make sure it brings you confidence and people (men AND women) will take notice.

Flip side - we've all seen the chicks who put it all out there on display and are visibly self-conscious or uncomfortable with the attention it brings.

Find your bait, girl!

Another suggestion: Check out www.meetup.com. Join a meetup that focuses on something that you're interested in. I'm in the Bay area for the summer and joined a tennis meetup and a wine meetup.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

good post, I've found dating to just be a big joke myself but thats a whole other thread. I have low tolerance for tomfoolery and its alot of it out there. Where i am now, white woman are a hot commodity, I've learned to live with it and am just content with knowing that I'll be moving soon...

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Regarding girls who are seen as "home girls."

Oftentimes, women will put out "friend" vibes without realizing it. This was something a guy friend of mine told me when I was going through a period of time where I met lots of guys all the time, but no one was asking for my number. Men are not very good at picking up subtle signs. Flirting, however, they will pick up on. Do you ever consider yourself to be flirty at all around guys, or are you just friendly? If so, that may be one of the reasons why they aren't asking - they don't get the vibe that you could possibly be interested.

I can't really elaborate on how to flirt, per se. It's one of those things where one thing may work for one person but it doesn't necessarily work for the other. Plus, it's ALL about body language. But I did carry the thought in my head "Flirt more!" to make myself aware of it, and I have noticed a change - more than before, when I meet guys while out and about, they will ask for my number.

First, I'm curious - how do you dress? I'm not saying that you need to dress with all of your "assets" out there But, I'm asking - do you dress in a way that makes you feel sexy? How often do you wear clothes that make you think "Damn! I'm lookin' SOOOOO good!" I've noticed that when ever I wear an outfit that I just feel GREAT in, men will really pick up on that. And it's really not so much about the outfit itself, but how it makes you feel.

Hell, dressing in a way that makes you feel good is just good for you PERIOD, I think! It may seem shallow, but when you feel like you're putting your best foot out there, it can really make a difference in your attitude.

 

[EccentricRed]

Eccentric, I think a lot of people can relate to this. I certainly went through this.

The advice I would give to you and anyone else going through this is to start creating a separate life. By that, I mean to not spend so much time around the same people who are boxing you in. I'm not saying to give up your friends, but if you stay with groups of people that basically "neuter" you and turn you into a non-sexual, friend-girl, that's the role you'll always be in.

You need to meet different people, go different places and recreate yourself in an environment where you're not "Cool/Homegirl Eccentric Red." That goes for anyone else in this thread too... I know this might be more difficult when you are in college, but college seems to be an environment that sometimes can put black women in a box. If all of your socializing is done there, the results are going to be the same, unless you try some groups/clubs there that are completely different from what you're currently doing now!

I dig it. I'm out of college now...and I have tried making new friends and checking new scenes, and I'm still stuck eventually being the homegirl. (I'm 28, so this is FAR from new to me). I feel like I would have to alter my personality, and I'm not willing to do that because that is something Im confident in! I will continue to try doing new things and whatnot, but that's what it is right now...maybe when I move it'll be better.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Yeah, I don't really have any concrete backing/proof on this, but from my own experience and the conversations I've had with BW who dated interracially (or haven't, but were open to it), what I mentioned really seems to be the case.

And it's not that I wasn't socializing interracially when I was in college (and a little of high school), but even while I was always around non-black men, I always felt "invisible," if that makes any sense. There wasn't even any meaningless flirtation from any of them.

I can't totally put my finger on it, but I'm just thinking about how I rarely see really young IR couples involving black women.

I don't have any evidence either but Dutch Chocolate (who is in his late 40s) told me he wouldn't have had the nerve to approach me even 5 years ago because he would've thought we could not work given our racial/religious differences.

the question is, what about you is it that you hope he likes first (whats YOUR bait) and are you showcasing that? And again, I'm not talking about ASSets. It only takes ONE. Do you! Whatever it is, make sure it brings you confidence and people (men AND women) will take notice.

Flip side - we've all seen the chicks who put it all out there on display and are visibly self-conscious or uncomfortable with the attention it brings.

Find your bait, girl!

http://www.

So wait - what is a good example of bait? Do you mean just simple accentuation (but not exploitation) of certain features? For the benefit of the group, could you provide some examples? (I know that I was never good at that . . . Dutch Chocolate found in the laundry room wearing sweats )

 

[Bunny77]

I dig it. I'm out of college now...and I have tried making new friends and checking new scenes, and I'm still stuck eventually being the homegirl. (I'm 28, so this is FAR from new to me). I feel like I would have to alter my personality, and I'm not willing to do that because that is something Im confident in! I will continue to try doing new things and whatnot, but that's what it is right now...maybe when I move it'll be better.

I totally understand.

I'm not an athlete, but I work in the sports industry. I know my football, basketball, baseball, a little hockey and some other sports. I'm very comfortable around men and they love being around me... cause I'm "cool."

Sigh.


An older married woman who served as my dating "mentor" said at first that she was surprised that I was surrounded by men and getting no bites. Then she hit on the fact that maybe I was too comfortable for these guys. That they could recognize that I was pretty, fun, cute, etc., but they couldn't see me as more than that.

I wouldn't tell anyone to change their personality, and I certainly didn't. But, I was told that I might need to play up certain aspects of my personality more to get a different response.

I think you can present yourself somewhat differently and still be YOU.

I also think it's good not to spend TOO much time with a man in the early stages of getting to know him... too much talking and hanging out in the early stages often seems like a one-way ticket to friend zone!

 

[Bunny77]

I don't have any evidence either but Dutch Chocolate (who is in his late 40s) told me he wouldn't have had the nerve to approach me even 5 years ago because he would've thought we could not work given our racial/religious differences.

It sucks because I don't know why some of these folks act like black women are so foreign... I mean, Asian women often come from homes where there's a whole different language spoken by their families, but that's not seen as a barrier for white men to pursue them.

It seems that many of these white men have to get out of their isolated communities, travel more and meet more people before they finally get to "notice" black women. Even thinking of the other white men I dated, the ones who had dated black women before met them in law school/grad school/etc... which means, post-undergrad!

 

[EccentricRed]

Don't go out with the intention of being approached - because its an expectation that you have NO control over. I guess thats why doing the things that YOU enjoy is so important, because - when you're having fun, the thought of "am I going to get approached today?" doesn't cross your mind.

A man will run into you and like you! But the question is, what about you is it that you hope he likes first (whats YOUR bait) and are you showcasing that? And again, I'm not talking about ASSets. It only takes ONE. Do you! Whatever it is, make sure it brings you confidence and people (men AND women) will take notice.

Flip side - we've all seen the chicks who put it all out there on display and are visibly self-conscious or uncomfortable with the attention it brings.

Find your bait, girl!

Another suggestion: Check out www.meetup.com. Join a meetup that focuses on something that you're interested in. I'm in the Bay area for the summer and joined a tennis meetup and a wine meetup.

I normally don't go out with intentions of being approached...because honestly, I don't expect it! But when I'm in the car watching all my friends talk about the men that has approached them I am reminded that that never happens to me. (Besides a brotha staring at my behind...)

I have my own personal style that took me all 28 years of my life to get together. I always go by the if you are showing legs, cover the girls, if you are showing the girls cover something else up rule. Weirdly enough, women tell me that I am pretty all the time! lol! I guess ladies see something that men don't.

I'd never be out there with it all hanging out. My Mother and Grandmothers all taught me how to conduct myself as a lady first and foremost.

 

[EccentricRed]

I also think it's good not to spend TOO much time with a man in the early stages of getting to know him... too much talking and hanging out in the early stages often seems like a one-way ticket to friend zone!

I don't have that problem. I don't like to spend too much time with a man, because I do enjoy my ME time. Gotta leave something to be desired. I have had a couple of guys I have dated, but generally, they were the wrong guy, or they ended up moving away. I met those guys around campus, or through other friends.

Thanks for the advice. I'll evaluate and see what I can change up...

 

[Bunny77]

I don't have that problem. I don't like to spend too much time with a man, because I do enjoy my ME time. Gotta leave something to be desired. I have had a couple of guys I have dated, but generally, they were the wrong guy, or they ended up moving away. I met those guys around campus, or through other friends.

Thanks for the advice. I'll evaluate and see what I can change up...

Sure thing... oh, and I didn't mean spending too much time with boyfriends. I meant it in a sense that I'll often go to sports bars with guys that are co-workers/friends/associates and we'll watch the game together and laugh up a storm.

Then I wondered why none of them ever made a pass at me.

I started to scale back on my platonic interactions with male associates and not be so, "one of the guys," so to speak.

If I'm reading you wrong, I apologize. I just know the struggles I had fitting in TOO well with the male world and having it backfire on me!

 

[Syrah]

So wait - what is a good example of bait? Do you mean just simple accentuation (but not exploitation) of certain features? For the benefit of the group, could you provide some examples? (I know that I was never good at that . . . Dutch Chocolate found in the laundry room wearing sweats )

Bait doesn't have to be physical (i.e. boobs and booty). Sure you can put them out there if you want, but I'd choose ONE physical attribute to accentuate (not flaunt). The goal is to make them curious not lustful.

• Eye Contact: try going out and making eye contact with someone and let him be the one to look away. Admittedly, its weird at first. But its GREAT bait.
• Make-up: men tend to like it simple. Pick something to accentuate - the color of your eyes, a hint of blush on the cheek or a glossy lip. Not all of the above...just one.
• Style and being "presentable". LuckiestDestiny had a great point in the post about trophy wives and how they're not necessarily the most fashionable or sexiest women - Kim Kardashian, to white "established" men is NOT a trophy wife, but Gwyneth Paltrow is. Its "class" and men love it. I used blogs to work out my own. I'm not fussy and can easily get caught up in the jeans, tank top style. So I had to find easy ways to dress it up and look put together that fit into my lifestyle. The answer? Scarves, blazers and subtle gold jewelry. Find yours! It doesn't have to require a complete closet overhaul. But the point: when I started feeling "presentable" folks started complementing the style. It is not about what you wear, but how you wear it!
• My best friend is always bopping to music in her head and a couple of times people have used this to start conversations. One dude ended up making a date of it, and they went to a live show!
• Next time you get caught singing and dancing in the car, don't stop. Smile and wave and go back to your jam.

These things don't even have to be about men - but just things that you do, or I do, that make ME feel more confident.

So for me:

• The bigger the hair, the better. I'm natural and will sometimes clip flowers (real ones - from the neighbor's front lawn ) in my hair and used to get comments on that.
• Eye Contact
• Eyes and eyeliner - If its not a work day, I almost always have a pop of color on my lower eye lid (courtesy of my best friend who's Persian and has been trying to hip me to the game for YEARS). I play with purples, greys, shimmery browns and sometimes blues (that I mix with matte brown to tone it down). I'm not a make-up girl, but its become a part of my non-work regimen. Urban Decay and Sephora make great liners that add as subtle pop of color. Its how what got the conversation going with my current DID.

 

[justicefighter1913]

@ Syrah: thanks for posting that meetup.com link. I have a friend who uses it and she's met some interesting people! I'll be sure to try this out, since I'll be moving to TX this summer

 

[EccentricRed]

Sure thing... oh, and I didn't mean spending too much time with boyfriends. I meant it in a sense that I'll often go to sports bars with guys that are co-workers/friends/associates and we'll watch the game together and laugh up a storm.

Then I wondered why none of them ever made a pass at me.

I started to scale back on my platonic interactions with male associates and not be so, "one of the guys," so to speak.

If I'm reading you wrong, I apologize. I just know the struggles I had fitting in TOO well with the male world and having it backfire on me!

I think when I say I become the homegirl, I mean more when I first meet men. As soon as I show that I have a sense of humor and can make them laugh, they get comfy. It's kind of like the first 40 seconds of this clip...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHYSeSAXQf4

I'll admit that I just enjoy watching games with the fellas (I dont want to date any of my friends, I love 'em, but it ain't like that). It took me awhile to find women who enjoyed sports like I do, and don't just come hang out in order to be in the guys faces (which men don't like especially if their team is on the TV. ). I do make sure I have my time with the ladies and do things I guess we do...(not to be stereotypical, but ya'll know what I mean).

 

[Theo]

I think when I say I become the homegirl, I mean more when I first meet men. As soon as I show that I have a sense of humor and can make them laugh, they get comfy. It's kind of like the first 40 seconds of this clip...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHYSeSAXQf4

I'll admit that I just enjoy watching games with the fellas (I dont want to date any of my friends, I love 'em, but it ain't like that). It took me awhile to find women who enjoyed sports like I do, and don't just come hang out in order to be in the guys faces (which men don't like especially if their team is on the TV. ). I do make sure I have my time with the ladies and do things I guess we do...(not to be stereotypical, but ya'll know what I mean).

Why not?

I'm not trying to challenge you or anything. I just hear women say this frequently, and I just wonder.

 

[EccentricRed]

Why not?

I'm not trying to challenge you or anything. I just hear women say this frequently, and I just wonder.

Well, I know my male friends. I know what they like in women, and how they treat them. (Not that they are disrespectful or anything, but they are ladies men.) In addition, I'm not attracted to all of them in a romantic way. (I'm speaking about my close circle of male friends, not my other friends/acquaintances.) I am attracted to other guys who aren't in my circle.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Why not?

I'm not trying to challenge you or anything. I just hear women say this frequently, and I just wonder.

I agree. Sure, it's risky because you could ruin what's otherwise a good friendship. But, the most significant relationship I've ever had developed with a guy who, rather quickly, became a really great friend.

Also, don't think that your guys friends aren't really interested in you. Some of them probably are, but because they think you don't want to mess up the friendship, they won't say anything.

Trust me - even if you're their friend, men are ALWAYS interested in a woman that they find attractive.

I'll never forget an incident I had with a former coworker of mine who I DEFINITELY didn't think noticed me for jack crap (especially given that he'd seen me many times stressed as all hell and not exactly looking "fly" LOL!). I thought he was a good looking guy. He was leaving our company and we were having a going away party for him. A few of us who were really cool hung back and stayed late at the bar to chat with him more (it was just me and about 4 guys). The conversation turned to relationships and dating, and the guys were asking me what was up. I said that I was single and hoping to find a great guy who could become my boyfriend.

*The next part of this is not appropriate for children*

So, my former coworker who was rather drunk at this point says, "F**k dating!!! Man, do you understand if I looked like you I would have sex all the time? I mean seriously I would. I mean, have you SEEN yourself? I'd volunteer, but that's really not appropriate."



A rather extreme example, but I think it clearly illustrates my point.

Bottomline you may THINK you're going unnoticed, but you probably aren't!

 

[luckiestdestiny]

^^My FH is and was one of my best friends before we started dating. I've known him for over 2 and a half years and we got together officially (boyfriend/girlfriend) last year. He stayed friends knowing I was dating someone else and did not let me know he was interested out of respect. But once I broke up with my former boyfriend he swooped in . I wouldn't say friendships never work out because we're planning our wedding currently.

 

[softblackcotton]

Thanks Ladies! I need this thread! No guys are approaching me at all. No matter how "cute and pretty" people say I look. It must be the constant negative broken record spinning in my head.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I'm in grad school and will be for next couple years so as much as I want to be dating and be in a relationships I'm not sure I have time right now. Of course if I meet the right guy that could totally change. When I was in college I got a good deal of male attention but it was all off-campus since my university was 70% girls most of the time I was there. I've always had more girl friends than guy friends partly because I'm slightly self-conscious around guys and also because I've mostly been in environments with more girls anyways. When there's an equal amount of girls and guys around me I've had guy friends with no problem.

Guys have wanted to date me but I've never been interested in them back. It takes a while for guys to get on my romance radar and I move really slowly, even with crushes lol!

As for being a black woman I'm seriously censoring the stuff I read online and in magazines because the media can really break you down. This past year it's been open season on black women and I've had it. I'm tired of 'woe is black women, destined to be alone because nobody wants her.' Absolute BS IMO! Funny thing is I'm getting approached by guys of all races lately. I've got enough insecurities about my personality and other non-race related stuff I don't need more added to it.

 

[lushcoils]

I've got enough insecurities about my personality and other non-race related stuff I don't need more added to it.

So how are you attracting these men when you have insecurities?


Softblackcotton, how did you get your boyfriend?


Bunny, do yo have any specific tips on avoiding being friendzoned for us that are athletes/like watching sports/being active? I like playing sports, working out, and watching basketball. I would like to be able to date successfully and be in good relationships without having to hide that part of me.

Bottomline you may THINK you're going unnoticed, but you probably aren't!
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Yea, but this doesn't help anything since they do anything about it.

 

[Theo]

Bottomline you may THINK you're going unnoticed, but you probably aren't!

I agree. You'd be surprised at the guys who are feeling you but are scared to approach you for whatever reason.

I'm in grad school and will be for next couple years so as much as I want to be dating and be in a relationships I'm not sure I have time right now. Of course if I meet the right guy that could totally change. When I was in college I got a good deal of male attention but it was all off-campus since my university was 70% girls most of the time I was there. I've always had more girl friends than guy friends partly because I'm slightly self-conscious around guys and also because I've mostly been in environments with more girls anyways. When there's an equal amount of girls and guys around me I've had guy friends with no problem.

Guys have wanted to date me but I've never been interested in them back. It takes a while for guys to get on my romance radar and I move really slowly, even with crushes lol!

As for being a black woman I'm seriously censoring the stuff I read online and in magazines because the media can really break you down. This past year it's been open season on black women and I've had it. I'm tired of 'woe is black women, destined to be alone because nobody wants her.' Absolute BS IMO! Funny thing is I'm getting approached by guys of all races lately. I've got enough insecurities about my personality and other non-race related stuff I don't need more added to it.

Grad school doesn't have to be all consuming if you don't want it to be. I though my love life would dry up in medical school and it really hasn't. Same goes for most of my friends. In fact, I think its largely stayed the same and I went to an HBCU for undergrad and am at a small PWI right now.

Get involved with the black orgs (if that's your thing), hit up the med/law/business schools on your campus. I say that b/c I know those are the grad schools that tend to have the most in the way of black males and a few of the guys in my class are dating girls from other programs.... I don't know how or when they met them but I guess those girls made themselves available somehow lol.

So how are you attracting these men when you have insecurities?


Softblackcotton, how did you get your boyfriend?


Bunny, do yo have any specific tips on avoiding being friendzoned for us that are athletes/like watching sports/being active? I like playing sports, working out, and watching basketball. I would like to be able to date successfully and be in good relationships without having to hide that part of me.

I'm not Bunny, but I do have a lot of male friends. I know I haven't been friendzoned because most of them have hit on me at some point or another. Whether because they were drunk or just felt like sharing of themselves in a random heart to heart erplexed.

I have to ask... are you very feminine? Because I really think that's helped me. I read a book awhile back (it was pretty old-fashioned), and this lady said that if you want to make a suitor out of a platonic friend, you must make him acutely aware of your femininity. A good way to think about it is to think of what makes up masculinity and be its opposite. I started implementing that idea awhile back and it has worked really well for me.

Guys really like that because it indirectly plays up their masculinity as well and that makes them feel good about themselves .

So little things like not going shot for shot when you're out at a bar, but opting for the pink slushy margarita instead, always ask for someone to open the bottle for you, never carry anything except your purse, etc. I know it sounds silly/crazy, but it works. Before I started dating my bf (who incidentally, was a friend), I was notorious for leaving the club and not being able to walk back to the car because my heels hurt. My "friend" carried me back to the car twice, and really got a kick out of it.

It doesn't have to be that extreme, but a lot of little things will help get the point across.

Either way, they stop looking at you so much as a friend, but as person they could one day protect and take care of yada yada yada. Being fit and liking sports has nothing to do with it.

 

[laCriolla]

Stop putting yourself in situations and around people that bring out your insecurities. Choose to put yourself in some situations where YOU are a star, through talents, interests or personality. I've noticed that you recently started cooking - why not take a cooking class. They're you'll be in an environment with OTHER people who like to cook.

amen! well stated