Dealing with insecurities of being a black woman in the dating scene

[laCriolla]

Going back to the issue of women pulling men with personality alone, I'm wondering - if a girl is so-so looking, but with a bubbly personality, is the problem not that she's failing to pull any men, but that she's just not pulling the type of men SHE wants? I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this. For me, I always got hit on my ugly dudes or dudes with absolutely nothing to offer me in terms of their, uh, earning potential

i agree, i'd like to hear as well

the guys i'm attracted to never approach. only the tiny runt sickly lacky guys. and no, i'm not being petty.

 

[ivyness]

I'm in a situation where I can go for MONTHS without seeing another black person. I started writing about the issues I have had with dating and race and it almost brought me to tears.

I'm one of those people who, if in my comfort zone, I'm probably the center of attention. I laugh, flirt. Keep other people in stitches. People tell me how gorgeous I am and how I must get approached "ALL THE TIME".

I'm not. When I do date it comes about by some round about way. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to try and I come off as aloof and distant because in they back of my head I'm thinking "never going to happen....because I am black".

I don't understand why because in all other areas I have little or no insecurities. I have found that race has not been a barrier for me in making friends, studying, or professionally in most cases I've done much better than most of my clear counterparts (sends a prayer to God thanking him for his many blessings).

But when it comes to dating it is absolutely ridiculous how insecure I am. I'm working on it, working on me, trying to make myself more approachable. Learning that any man would be lucky to have me. But I must admit, it is HARD silencing that voice in my head.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny, do yo have any specific tips on avoiding being friendzoned for us that are athletes/like watching sports/being active? I like playing sports, working out, and watching basketball. I would like to be able to date successfully and be in good relationships without having to hide that part of me.

Hi Lushcoils!

I think Freelove did a great job addressing this. I find that while men can appreciate a woman who likes sports (playing and watching), they still want a woman who can come off as feminine.

I don't think that women should have to hide who they are, but I find also that we can get so comfortable in a certain persona (like being Sporty Girl) that we don't play up our other attributes enough!

If I'm on a first date with a guy, I wouldn't hide basketball/working out as a hobby, but I wouldn't make that the singular focus of the conversation either. I've had many a date ruined when sports talk entered the picture... only because I didn't shift things back to having the guy learn more about me, instead of talking about March Madness or whatever was going on at the time.

As a good man gets to know you as a woman and is captivated by your feminine side, he'll also appreciate your ability to talk sports and your interest in working out/playing sports.

What do you think some of your strong feminine characteristics are? Do you think you display feminine energy enough? I know those seem like crazy questions, but those were exactly what my "mentor" asked me to think about and consider when I was going through this myself.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm in grad school and will be for next couple years so as much as I want to be dating and be in a relationships I'm not sure I have time right now.

Guys have wanted to date me but I've never been interested in them back. It takes a while for guys to get on my romance radar and I move really slowly, even with crushes lol!

Hi Sister Scorpio!

A few things I saw here... Freelove touched on one already.

Don't fall into the mental trap of thinking that you don't have time for dating and relationships in grad school. And since our topic here is "black women," I'm gonna go there for a second...

Black women are the ONLY group of women that I hear saying this. This idea that dating/relationships are supposed to wait until after one's education is complete is a foreign concept to a lot of other women -- shoot, some of these privileged white and Asian women will flat out admit that they're in certain grad programs (like an MBA program) to get that MRS degree... and a whole lot of 'em get it too!

Meanwhile, we get in these programs, get our degree in our late 20s/early 30s, then want to play catch up. I'm not saying we necessarily have to be seeking the MRS degree, but if we know that we want a husband and family in the future, then we need to make time to have relationships, just as we make time to study and prepare.

I think too many black women are shooting themselves in the foot with all of this waiting, and a lot of the dating woes of the uber-educated 30-something set are a result of faulty teaching from our families about delaying dating and relationships.


And on another note... and this also goes back to EccentricRed's post as well... why haven't you wanted to date the men that were interested in you? Was there something seriously wrong with them?

One of the best pieces of dating advice I ever received (which is probably why I have a fiance' today) was to stop worrying about the men who didn't want me and start paying attention to those who DID. So, if a man asked me out that was reasonably decent looking, smart and kind, I accepted a date. I didn't care about my lack of attraction at the time or the fact that there was no chemistry or anything... I just accepted dates and then let the men who liked me continue to "compete" for me. After a while, I discovered that I kind of liked one of them...

If I had been thinking about dating at age 30 the way I did at age 25, I would not have given my fiance a chance after the first date. And that would have been a very bad decision.

 

[CarLiTa]

I've really enjoyed this thread, especially the advice about changing what makes one unhappy. The advice about faking happiness only scratches at the surface and is not sustainable nor likely to reap true, lifelong, genuine results (which should extend far beyond dating opportunities). I think it's great that many ladies are recommending that the young women here explore themselves and engage in activities that enhance their happiness. The joy of doing the things one loves and of truly believing that one has great characteristics will shine through.

This is one advice I'm certainly going to take

On another note, Bunny, could you expound on feminine characteristics and feminine energy? I am really interested in different perspectives about this. Very interested in enhancing my femininity. Thank you!

What do you think some of your strong feminine characteristics are? Do you think you display feminine energy enough? I know those seem like crazy questions, but those were exactly what my "mentor" asked me to think about and consider when I was going through this myself.

 

[lushcoils]

On another note, Bunny, could you expound on feminine characteristics and feminine energy? I am really interested in different perspectives about this. Very interested in enhancing my femininity. Thank you!

Yes, please. I have no idea about what feminine characteristics or energy I should be displaying.

 

[Syrah]

Hi Sister Scorpio!

A few things I saw here... Freelove touched on one already.

Don't fall into the mental trap of thinking that you don't have time for dating and relationships in grad school. And since our topic here is "black women," I'm gonna go there for a second...

Black women are the ONLY group of women that I hear saying this. This idea that dating/relationships are supposed to wait until after one's education is complete is a foreign concept to a lot of other women -- shoot, some of these privileged white and Asian women will flat out admit that they're in certain grad programs (like an MBA program) to get that MRS degree... and a whole lot of 'em get it too!

I gotta echo Bunny here. Girl, MAKE TIME. Do you know how hard it is to date a surgeon, once he's a professional surgeon? But how much easier it is to date a surgery resident, especially when you're also a resident??

This is the prime opportunity to meet and form relationships with these men, because you are both in the same situation and he hasn't moved out into the world where he becomes a big fish in a big pond, and you (we) become just another girl wanting to date a professional man. With both of you in school, he's primed to see you when you're stressed out, or in "study-mode", he thinks its cute when you've been up all night studying or finishing a paper. Once in the professional environment, he is no longer accustomed to seeing that. And most importantly, at this point in time with you both in school, your intelligence is "bait"! NOW is the time!

Study together. Go grab some coffee/tea. Make dinner together. Take study breaks. Go return books to the bookstore together. It doesn't have to be time consuming and it doesn't have to be a "date"....just make time to spend time. Say what you will - My "general population" (white girl) classmates are making cupcakes and taking these men dinner. They're going and helping them pick out suits, and reviewing resumes. They're taking "study breaks" to the movies and riding the train together. They're grocery shopping together. And its working!!

You have their attention - make time! Girl, MAKE TIME!!

 

[Syrah]

I'm in a situation where I can go for MONTHS without seeing another black person. I started writing about the issues I have had with dating and race and it almost brought me to tears.

I'm one of those people who, if in my comfort zone, I'm probably the center of attention. I laugh, flirt. Keep other people in stitches. People tell me how gorgeous I am and how I must get approached "ALL THE TIME".

I'm not. When I do date it comes about by some round about way. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to try and I come off as aloof and distant because in they back of my head I'm thinking "never going to happen....because I am black".

I don't understand why because in all other areas I have little or no insecurities. I have found that race has not been a barrier for me in making friends, studying, or professionally in most cases I've done much better than most of my clear counterparts (sends a prayer to God thanking him for his many blessings).

But when it comes to dating it is absolutely ridiculous how insecure I am. I'm working on it, working on me, trying to make myself more approachable. Learning that any man would be lucky to have me. But I must admit, it is HARD silencing that voice in my head.

What is it about you that you like? What is it about you that YOU think is fly? What kind of things do you like to do?

My dad made me make a list (write it down), when I was 18 before I went to college. He and his best friends (there are 3 of them and each have daughters) each did this. He kept it. When I graduated he made me re-write the list. And when I started business school he made me re-write the list again because he knew I was wafting between feeling confident and feeling insecure about whether or not I "belonged" at my school. The first time, I didn't get it. The second time, I was like "ok, dad...go away!". The third time, I did it on my own.

Forget lists about Ideal Black Men. Lets make lists about what makes US ideal.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Black women are the ONLY group of women that I hear saying this. This idea that dating/relationships are supposed to wait until after one's education is complete is a foreign concept to a lot of other women -- shoot, some of these privileged white and Asian women will flat out admit that they're in certain grad programs (like an MBA program) to get that MRS degree... and a whole lot of 'em get it too!

Meanwhile, we get in these programs, get our degree in our late 20s/early 30s, then want to play catch up.

I agree with these statements. The thing is though, I was taught that you should get yours first then you'll have time to start looking for a relationship.

And I do feel that I have to play catch up which is why I'm starting to become a little bit more open with others.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

What is it about you that you like? What is it about you that YOU think is fly? What kind of things do you like to do?

My dad made me make a list (write it down), when I was 18 before I went to college. He and his best friends (there are 3 of them and each have daughters) each did this. He kept it. When I graduated he made me re-write the list. And when I started business school he made me re-write the list again because he knew I was wafting between feeling confident and feeling insecure about whether or not I "belonged" at my school. The first time, I didn't get it. The second time, I was like "ok, dad...go away!". The third time, I did it on my own.

Forget lists about Ideal Black Men. Lets make lists about what makes US ideal.

Sounds like your dad is amazing. I'm glad you had that type of influence in your life

 

[Minx]

What is it about you that you like? What is it about you that YOU think is fly? What kind of things do you like to do?

My dad made me make a list (write it down), when I was 18 before I went to college. He and his best friends (there are 3 of them and each have daughters) each did this. He kept it. When I graduated he made me re-write the list. And when I started business school he made me re-write the list again because he knew I was wafting between feeling confident and feeling insecure about whether or not I "belonged" at my school. The first time, I didn't get it. The second time, I was like "ok, dad...go away!". The third time, I did it on my own.

Forget lists about Ideal Black Men. Lets make lists about what makes US ideal.

Your dad sounds all right to me!

Minx

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Hi Sister Scorpio!



One of the best pieces of dating advice I ever received (which is probably why I have a fiance' today) was to stop worrying about the men who didn't want me and start paying attention to those who DID. So, if a man asked me out that was reasonably decent looking, smart and kind, I accepted a date. I didn't care about my lack of attraction at the time or the fact that there was no chemistry or anything... I just accepted dates and then let the men who liked me continue to "compete" for me. After a while, I discovered that I kind of liked one of them...

If I had been thinking about dating at age 30 the way I did at age 25, I would not have given my fiance a chance after the first date. And that would have been a very bad decision.

The bolded is something I struggle with some times. I've been guilty of cutting guys loose for the stupidest things without really giving them enough time to get to know them I just thank God that I know a bit better now.

I have to be able to at LEAST look at a guy and say "Oh, he's cute" otherwise, it's just not happening However, I've noticed that if I think a guy has a great personality and other great attributes, he'll become more attractive to me over time. The problem these days has been meeting anyone who has an engaging personality!

Generally, though, I'm trying to do the following. If a guy is fairly cute, nice and smart, unless I have a nagging feeling that I just don't want to see him again, I'll go out with him about 4 or 5 times. If by the 4th or 5th date, I'm STILL feeling really "Meh" then I'll cut the guy loose. But if I say to myself "Hey, I've actually been having fun with this guy." Then I'll keep seeing him and see what happens.

 

[Harina]

Sorry, I've just been skimming the thread, but are you referring grad school and ug, or just grad school.

Study together. Go grab some coffee/tea. Make dinner together. Take study breaks. Go return books to the bookstore together. It doesn't have to be time consuming and it doesn't have to be a "date"....just make time to spend time. Say what you will - My "general population" (white girl) classmates are making cupcakes and taking these men dinner. They're going and helping them pick out suits, and reviewing resumes. They're taking "study breaks" to the movies and riding the train together. They're grocery shopping together. And its working!!

You have their attention - make time! Girl, MAKE TIME!!

 

[nathansgirl1908]

What is it that we are supposed to be insecure about?

 

[Harina]

What is it that we are supposed to be insecure about?

I think it's basically the fact that not everybody is open to dating black women and we sometimes go into the world, on a date, in a relationship, whatever with this fact in the back of our heads and wonder why a man would desire us when there's such negative stereotypes about us. Not everyone deals with this, but obviously the thread wouldn't be so popular if some didn't feel this way.

 

[Makenzie]

What is it about you that you like? What is it about you that YOU think is fly? What kind of things do you like to do?

My dad made me make a list (write it down), when I was 18 before I went to college. He and his best friends (there are 3 of them and each have daughters) each did this. He kept it. When I graduated he made me re-write the list. And when I started business school he made me re-write the list again because he knew I was wafting between feeling confident and feeling insecure about whether or not I "belonged" at my school. The first time, I didn't get it. The second time, I was like "ok, dad...go away!". The third time, I did it on my own.

Forget lists about Ideal Black Men. Lets make lists about what makes US ideal.

Lot of great posts in this thread, but this one really speaks to me. Thank you, and your dad.

 

[mimi]

My first year of college was strange. It was the first time I ever felt like being a black woman held me back just a little in the dating world. I can't even explain it. Things got better once I found my 'group,' but that year stuck out to me. It wasn't just me, it was most of my black female friends who accompanied me to college. Now the black girls who were a part of the black campus "in-crowd" didn't struggle with this. However, if you were that nerdy, outcast black girl--forget it. The same black guys who were chasing you down in high school weren't thinking about your black behind in college . I am just keeping it real. Mind you we were all very into our studies but we wanted a little leisure and the college dating world just was not ready for us. It is funny because even though black women outnumber black men on many college campuses, it is like the black guys had a role in college. They were very IN even if they weren't athletes. When we went to campus activities we would be the only black girls there and would be totally ignored by any guys. Meanwhile, the black guys would be living it up. Thankfully, this changed down the line but I was very insecure then.

I had to realize that I couldn't measure my value by how many guys were hitting on me. Outside of campus black men would be all over me, but then I'd walk on campus and BAM, bizzaro world. I don't know what role black women play in the mainstream college world if we play any role at all, but maybe this had something to do with it. I felt like an alien or something.

OMG! I just graduated from college and I fell like you just read my thoughts! My first two years I had lots of girl friends and quickly became active in organizations. But no matter how social I was it seem like the guys (including blacks) could careless. I truly felt like an alien! My last two years things started to turn around just a little bit. A few guys seem to take an interest in me but girls of other races still got more attention from the males by far!

 

[cheetarah1980]

I've been meaning to comment on this thread for days and am just now getting around to it. While in general I do not feel like being a black woman is a burden in terms of dating, I will admit I did not always feel this way and on occassion old insecurities do arise.
I grew up in predominantly white schools all of my life and was never considered to be one of the "hot girls" that the white guys talked about. I was always just the friend. A lot of my insecurity lay not with the color of my skin, but with my hair and its length. I was also painfully skinny and in need of braces during my tween and early teen years. The thing is even when I was around black boys I didn't get any attention. I didn't attribute this to my race, but moreso to the factors I just mention. Short hair, skinny, with bad teeth is NOT conducive to getting dates. I just felt bad about my looks in general.
It wasn't until I got to my later high school years and into college that I started attracting men. By that point any boy I was interested in was black and dated black girls, so I never thought that my blackness was an obstacle to dating. Maybe the way I dressed and carried myself (i.e. reputation for being a bit crazy, weird, and spastic) kept the guys at my college from knocking down my door, but race never played a part of it.
Even though I have had my share of dry spells at the age of 20 and beyond I never really had a problem getting male attention. I dated, talked to, messed with, etc. a steady stream of men. Only one of these led to an exclusive relationship, but I didn't lack in the man department. It's only as I've gotten older and have come to expect more from men that I'm having issues attracting the type of man I want. Yes, the men who approach me tend to be educated professionals. However, they are also very noncomittal and lazy, for which I have no time. It's honestly only since I've started dating interacially that I've even considered my race as a factor in whether or not a man will be attracted to me. The odd thing is the only reason I even thought about dating non-black men is because they began approaching me (my grade school crushes were all white, but by freshman year of high school that totally changed). Even though many white men approach me there is still a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that a white man I'm interested in will return that interest. This is especially true during times when I'm not dating much. But sitting around with a "please pick me, love me" demeanor does me no good. I simply remind myself that men of all races have always been attracted to me so I have no reason to be insecure or intimidated by any man regardless of the color of his skin.
If a woman says that she has no insecurities then she's lying. We all do. It's how you choose to deal with and move past them that matters. If there's something I don't like about myself (hairstyle, weight, clothes, etc.) I change it. At least once or twice a day I think to myself, I'm a kick a$$ chick! Plus, I get told I'm beautiful by men and women both black and white more often than I can count. If I'm feeling some kind of way I just remind myself of this. These thoughts and actions help negate any type of negativity from media or my own head that tell me that being a dark skinned, nappy headed Black woman is keeping me from having the love I know I want and deserve.

 

[Kiadodie]

^^^EVerything you said is the truth. Honestly I wasn't feeling happy about my life and situation and it SHOWED! No guy would approach me. I swear, last week, I changed my mindset and working on changing my life. I just decided to be happy. Next thing I know, I'm getting attention from men, people are talking to me, etc.

Just decide to be happy and define what you consider happiness.

Yes, I agree..I'm the same way. Everything I feel shows right on my face and I can tell by how people treat me. It's like a light switch..one day I'm being approached and men smiling at me and when I'm unhappy nobody even turns their head. It's not how I look taht various, it's how I feel. I also want to be approached by men of different races but as my brother told me, I have to be open to that. I'm not sure if I am. I get shocked when a white guy randomly talks to me and I shy away erplexed.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

This is a very interesting thread. A lot of smart educated sisters ....love it! You just don't know how inspirational you all have been and I think I speak on behalf of the "lurkers."

 

[lushcoils]

I'm still waiting for the femininity explanation.

Also, I want to mention my insecurity with online dating sites hopefully to get some help. I've been on various online dating sites (OKC, pof, bp, bpm,afroromance) for a couple of years now, and I've only gotten one date from them. I've made changes to my profile content, put nice pictures up with body and face shots, and have gotten it reviewed by several objective people. They said my page and pictures were fine. However, I may get like 3 views a week and maybe one message a month.

To test if something was wrong with my page, I changed my picture to a lighter/white looking girl and the views and thoughtful messages INSTANTLY start flowing in. Changed it back to my picture, INSTANTLY back to normal. What's going on here? I know that some of you have had success with online dating, but I know my race/skin color is holding me back on these sites for some odd reason. [/rant]

Anyways, back to trying to figure out how to get dates in real life.

 

[jupitermoon]

I'm still waiting for the femininity explanation.

Also, I want to mention my insecurity with online dating sites hopefully to get some help. I've been on various online dating sites (OKC, pof, bp, bpm,afroromance) for a couple of years now, and I've only gotten one date from them. I've made changes to my profile content, put nice pictures up with body and face shots, and have gotten it reviewed by several objective people. They said my page and pictures were fine. However, I may get like 3 views a week and maybe one message a month.

To test if something was wrong with my page, I changed my picture to a lighter/white looking girl and the views and thoughtful messages INSTANTLY start flowing in. Changed it back to my picture, INSTANTLY back to normal. What's going on here? I know that some of you have had success with online dating, but I know my race/skin color is holding me back on these sites for some odd reason. [/rant]

Anyways, back to trying to figure out how to get dates in real life.

I used to be caught up in being physically attractive/appealing to many men, but you can only have one man for a relationship anyway. Finding that one special person is more important than being considered fine/hot by many. Sadly we do live in a looks obsessed society so I understand what you're saying though.

Plus I don't think Internet dating sites are the best way to meet quality men. I've yet to find a good one that actually works. There tends to be a lot of foolishness, lying (ugh, so much lying because it's so easy to do on the Internt), and game playing on those sites.

 

[lushcoils]

I used to be caught up in being physically attractive/appealing to many men, but you can only have one man for a relationship anyway. Finding that one special person is more important than being considered fine/hot by many.

So, true. Thanks, I guess the only solution is to focus on that.

But still not understanding...only 1 date from these sites after about 3 years and not getting approached easily like everyone else. I am a pretty girl with "ugly girl" problems, sigh, I will never get it.

 

[missusM]

I used to have insecurities because i was so busy trying to be accepted and SEEN by people whose barometers of beauty were set to white girl( and thats black and white men) i got over it, because it made me so unhappy that i was missing out on my life, in my 30's though. People have their preconceptions, black men do and white men do, its not your responsibility to correct them, I found, just be as authentic as you can be and if you find someone at least they are into you because you showed them who you really are.

not really sure what this is about, skimmed through alot of the posts and most of it seems( i say seems) to be about how white men perceive or accept you as a black woman. some of you do mention black men, so i give you credit for that, but what is this insecurity, and where does it stem from OP??? trying to interacially date or just being with a black man in general?

i will tell you this, every woman black or white has insecurities in their twenties. you get to your 30's and your like wtf was i so worried about. you get to your 40's and your like i dont give a ***k about what you think of me i'm doing me. I wish to this day i got to the I dont give a ***k sooner. i have dated white, black, asian and to be honest if you are doing it just to prove a point, its going to be a hard ride for you. why compete against a eurocentric aesthetic that predominantly focuses on the things we can never be, embrace every thing that is you.
Its been said I suppose but it doesnt matter who doesnt like you, who doesnt want you, who doesnt find you attractive Do you want you?do you like you? do you know you? do you find you attractive????? if you do, trust and believe the men will come and you wont have to beg. Dont give a ***k about the rest. accept yoursef first.



mi dun.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

So how are you attracting these men when you have insecurities?

It's not something I talk about with many people. Usually the first things people notice about me is that I'm really ambitious and driven. (Even with my girl friends.) But I suffer the occasional self-doubt and when I've opened up about that very few people get it so I've learned to keep it to myself.

 

[Bunny77]

About femininity -- I know I was the one who brought it up initially, so I apologize for not going into more detail about it.

Reason being that I can type up a whole lecture about it (or any specific topic), but honestly, at some point, this whole dating/relationship thing all comes down to each individual's mindset and emotional state... if one is trying to follow a person's advice on a step-by-step basis, but makes no internal changes, all of the advice is fruitless, IMO.

That being said, here is a recommended blog with tons of articles on developing one's femininity. I agree with some, disagree with others, but they all make for good reading and good thought-provoking processes.

http://theartofbeingfeminine.blogspot.com/

 

[nappystorm]

When I want to meet new people, I go out alone. It never fails, someone will approach me. I generally feel better about myself when I am alone. I think I am just as pretty as my friends but they are all slender so I am usually the "fat" one in the group. In general, I feel good about my size (12/14-ish) but I feel a little insecure when they are in belly shirts and I am in a pair of Spanx.

 

[Orissa081]

About femininity -- I know I was the one who brought it up initially, so I apologize for not going into more detail about it.

Reason being that I can type up a whole lecture about it (or any specific topic), but honestly, at some point, this whole dating/relationship thing all comes down to each individual's mindset and emotional state... if one is trying to follow a person's advice on a step-by-step basis, but makes no internal changes, all of the advice is fruitless, IMO.

That being said, here is a recommended blog with tons of articles on developing one's femininity. I agree with some, disagree with others, but they all make for good reading and good thought-provoking processes.

http://theartofbeingfeminine.blogspot.com/

I LOVE that blog! Femininity counts.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Hi Sister Scorpio!

A few things I saw here... Freelove touched on one already.

Don't fall into the mental trap of thinking that you don't have time for dating and relationships in grad school. And since our topic here is "black women," I'm gonna go there for a second...

Black women are the ONLY group of women that I hear saying this. This idea that dating/relationships are supposed to wait until after one's education is complete is a foreign concept to a lot of other women -- shoot, some of these privileged white and Asian women will flat out admit that they're in certain grad programs (like an MBA program) to get that MRS degree... and a whole lot of 'em get it too!

Meanwhile, we get in these programs, get our degree in our late 20s/early 30s, then want to play catch up. I'm not saying we necessarily have to be seeking the MRS degree, but if we know that we want a husband and family in the future, then we need to make time to have relationships, just as we make time to study and prepare.

I think too many black women are shooting themselves in the foot with all of this waiting, and a lot of the dating woes of the uber-educated 30-something set are a result of faulty teaching from our families about delaying dating and relationships.


And on another note... and this also goes back to EccentricRed's post as well... why haven't you wanted to date the men that were interested in you? Was there something seriously wrong with them?

One of the best pieces of dating advice I ever received (which is probably why I have a fiance' today) was to stop worrying about the men who didn't want me and start paying attention to those who DID. So, if a man asked me out that was reasonably decent looking, smart and kind, I accepted a date. I didn't care about my lack of attraction at the time or the fact that there was no chemistry or anything... I just accepted dates and then let the men who liked me continue to "compete" for me. After a while, I discovered that I kind of liked one of them...

If I had been thinking about dating at age 30 the way I did at age 25, I would not have given my fiance a chance after the first date. And that would have been a very bad decision.

Hey there fellow Scorpio lol! Well now I don't feel so bad for keeping my eyes peeled for guys in my program lmao!So thanks for that! I guess the problem is I go to pretty small schools. But I know women of other races who think they're too busy with grad school and other things for a boyfriend, it's not just us. I'd almost say it's a generational thing. Many women I went to HS, college and now grad school have that mentality. As for the guys who've been interested in me either something external made a relationship impossible like distance, it's someone I've known a while and just don't feel any romantic connection or just someone I didn't think was boy friend material.

Your idea of going out with guys who were reasonably decent-looking, kind and educated reminds me of my mom. I guess she met my dad her first day at college that way even though she denies it I think there was instant chemistry based on what I know about their relationship which is an awful lot lol. My only problem with that mentality is after a certain point the feelings have to be reciprocated on your end. If not IMO it just makes everything awkward.

 

[Bunny77]

Hey there fellow Scorpio lol! Well now I don't feel so bad for keeping my eyes peeled for guys in my program lmao!So thanks for that! I guess the problem is I go to pretty small schools. But I know women of other races who think they're too busy with grad school and other things for a boyfriend, it's not just us. I'd almost say it's a generational thing. Many women I went to HS, college and now grad school have that mentality. As for the guys who've been interested in me either something external made a relationship impossible like distance, it's someone I've known a while and just don't feel any romantic connection or just someone I didn't think was boy friend material.

Your idea of going out with guys who were reasonably decent-looking, kind and educated reminds me of my mom. I guess she met my dad her first day at college that way even though she denies it I think there was instant chemistry based on what I know about their relationship which is an awful lot lol. My only problem with that mentality is after a certain point the feelings have to be reciprocated on your end. If not IMO it just makes everything awkward.

I'm Nov. 15, btw!

You're right that there are women of all races who deem themselves to be "too busy" to date while in school. My point was that black women, based on my experience, seem to be the only ones taught/instructed by family, friends, peers, etc., that we should wait until a specific period of time to date.

Now this might not be the case for black women raised in the South though, or who have people with southern roots. Those girls have a MRS degree on their list of priorities!!!

As for the idea of giving a man a chance... again, I focus on the idea of "a chance." At some point, a woman will know when she's not feeling a dude, and by all means, she should move on. I certainly have.

But I see women (of all backgrounds) deciding after one date or two that there is no romantic interest and she barely knows the man... or she has an idea in her head that the type of man she wants must be XYZ, and since this one is ABC, then it's not gonna work.

I give all men a blank slate. If the impression they leave is negative, then they get Xed. If the impression they leave is neutral, I leave room for them to keep trying and for feelings to possibly develop on my end. I believe in chemistry and romance, for sure, but I'm not one who believes that it must be there instantly for a relationship to work... I give it time to see if it develops.