To LushcoilsWhat do you all suggest women with this problem focus on? Try doing to get out of the rut? (Other than having confidence and thinking positive thoughts). What would you do if you were in this situation? Specific answers for the dating inept would be great.
and success with men folk and pretty much in every way (in other areas of life)
So I got it in my head early that as a brown-skinned, heavier set, nappy-headed black girl, I was doomed to a life of loneliness.
To Lushcoils
Bunny and I both pretty much said the same thing.
You think confidence and positivity are =
I think they equal =
Do you need to find a way to be happy with yourself? Yes. Meaning if you don't like your life you would have to CHANGE it. I had a long hard look at my life some years ago, and decided to re arrange some things. Because people saying to be happy and positive period are just...silly to me. Meaning if you aren't happy...why aren't you? Maybe there's a reason. What can you do to make your life excellent? Well then take that leap. It's terrifying sometimes, but it matters. Sometimes you have to put up or shut up.
What do you focus on...reality. Find things that support the reality you want (in your neighborhood, or even stars. If you want an interracial relationship think about melanie and George lucas or someone else and KNOW that it IS possible. If you want something else, find examples that support that reality. In my case I was open to dating any race...my FH happens to be black because he happened to be the ONE not cause he was black). You really need to just KNOW that if they can, why not you period. And it IS a knowing. It's not about wishing, or hoping, it's actually believing you're just as wonderful.
In reference to guys (and this works in reference to other things to) I can look around and see the attached men, or I can look around and see the single ones. I can think that I am worthy of attracting them. I can think about what's wonderful about me (personality, eyes, etc) and I can love myself. And when I talk that radiates from me. I can also SMILE (lots of women forget this) because I am happy with who I am and radiate what my FH says is my magnet (he says I radiate a warmth and that's what attracts guys to me. He notices, but he's not jealous because he has enough confidence to handle that). Now do I mean to make yourself smile? No. Do I mean to find a genuine way to be happy? Yes. Then the smile just comes. But what if you're life is crap...refer to the change it thing. It's terrifying but worth it.
As for what my FH says, Yes he's my fiance so he would say I radiate but that's the POINT. Other guys have said similar stuff. I bring this up because everytime I hear suggestions like look at them for a few seconds then look away, or do this, or that I think I've never done that. Does it work...I'm sure. But what works for me? I can only say the truth as I know it. Uhm...happiness, and confidence in myself...it really does attract men. I can go in a store and single men follow me down aisles. They FIND a way to talk to me. Because I think men like to be around someone who is joyous. Did I have an easy life...that's a laugh (w/ an alcoholic father who was abusive, and other crap)....but I decided to find joy in life and I started attracting happiness to me, and also wonderful opportunities.
You can be blind and hate it, and think your life sucks and that you have nothing to offer. Or you can become stevie wonder, notice what you have that's wonderful and open your mouth and sing! Everyone has shortcomings...or what others may perceive as that (but they never are because there's something else wonderful waiting to get out) It's up to us to find out what is GOOD about us, and let it out. It's not about displaying your talents at all times (I'm using this as an example) but it is about knowing your worth and looking at the good in you. Choose to become magnetic.
If you're looking for pointers on how to dress I can tell you that you should dress the way you want to be perceived, and in a way that attracts who you want to attract. That's based on what YOU want. I can also tell you a ton of stuff that I learned working for a matchmaker...and I think I've shared in other threads.
At matchmaking events, single type mixers (I'll give you an ex)...I could already tell which girl they'd go for. Sometimes (if the guy wasn't a jerk with preconceived notions that were immoveable) they'd go for the lady they never thought they would. They'd say I want this and that, and they'd love to go on a date with so and so, but then they'd see someone who was the opposite and say WAIT what about her. An example: There was a girl that all the guys would flock to at singles matchmaking events. She wasn't more beautiful than anyone else. BUT she did radiate. And I KNEW they would flock to her because of it. And I could see the blondes in the room light up with jealousy at this brunette. KNOWING the guys specifically were looking for them and stated they loved blondes...so why were they asking HER out? And the funny part was I could smell the other ladies' insecurity a mile away. And a lot of them were prettier then her. But that doesn't really matter in the end. It never failed. If she was in the room...the other women faded out. Don't you know she's also the one with proposal after proposal and guys calling sad because she said no, and we'd say she's not a toy we can't make her love you, we can set you up at another matchmaker event. She was looking for the love of her life too, and if they weren't the one, they weren't the one.
So I say if you want to attract men of all types...there are things that trump this. And that's an inner light. And you can roll your eyes... or not, but it's the truth that I find works for me.
All of this advice is already in Chapter 2 of Relationship Wisdom of LHCF 
. But it's not what I'm saying. I'm not insinuating that attractiveness is all that matters. Just like Halle Berry can't keep a man even with her attractiveness, a person with their "positive ball of energy" is not gonna keep a man based on that alone. Having a positive attitude and attractiveness is not interchangeable. They both work together in the field of relationships in my honest opinion. So to make is seem like if you simply work on your personality and adapt a positive outlook on life and you will have men to flock towards you because of your positive energy is an unfair statement. It's untrue in my opinion. It's a great thing to have, and will help you in other areas of life, but you still have to find someone who is attracted to your "positive outlook on life" AND your "attractiveness" to them which is again subjective and will vary from person to person. You doing well in the dating scene is not just dependent on one factor. You have to find someone who is drawn to a number of different factors of you not just one to have a happy healthy relationship...
I remember on one BWE/IR blog there was a pic of a :lovedrool: Swedish man with a Schmegel looking broad. (She seriously looked like that little monster dude from Lord of the Rings) However, he was smiling like he hit the lotto TWICE lol
Yes all of this is very true.
And only time determines that.
. Boy did I look dumb.
I feel the same way...Guys don't approach me as often...well guys who I am attracted to dont. I used to think I was pretty, but then as of late I have been questioning myself because my friends get approached before me. I am wondering maybe it realli is confidence.Not fun...whoever doesn't have to deal with this is truly blessed. Count your blessings lol. I try not to let it bother me. Though life could be so much worse, I wish I could live the life of the pretty girls and feel wanted for once. (The irony is that I think I'm attractive but from male reactions or lack of, I'm not). I get worried that I might be stuck in this rut forever because I do the things that people suggest (look happy, be confident, look your best) and I still don't get approached/complimented. Just frustrating and annoying.
Even worse, I'm young, natural, living in the DMV, just finished undergrad...I should have been dating up a storm.
It also doesn't help that I see bm/non-bw couples everywhere now, more than I see bw coupled up. Still trying to figure out how to not let that bother me.
But I've gotten a lot better over the years at accepting it and enjoying what I do have. Hope getting a dating life will be a lot more easier for me in grad school/post grad life.
Not fun...whoever doesn't have to deal with this is truly blessed. Count your blessings lol. I try not to let it bother me. Though life could be so much worse, I wish I could live the life of the pretty girls and feel wanted for once. (The irony is that I think I'm attractive but from male reactions or lack of, I'm not
Even worse, I'm young, natural, living in the DMV, just finished undergrad...I should have been dating up a storm.
It also doesn't help that I see bm/non-bw couples everywhere now, more than I see bw coupled up. Still trying to figure out how to not let that bother me.
But I've gotten a lot better over the years at accepting it and enjoying what I do have. Hope getting a dating life will be a lot more easier for me in grad school/post grad life.
So I started hearing the type of things they want and did, and started doing those things without said friend. Call it what you want, but she was blocking my flow! 
And low and behold, I started getting different results. Don't put yourself in a position to be a small fish in a HUGE pond.
...I had a male friend who would always make sure he left the house with a book in his back pocket because girls would use it as a way to strike up conversation on the subway...
