Dealing with insecurities of being a black woman in the dating scene

[BroadstreetBully]

Reading some of the threads on here I notice that some ladies feel like being a black woman in the dating scene these days is a hindrance. I do not feel that way nowadays but I have struggled with this in the past. I find that these insecurities directly affect our ability to attract quality guys and enter into serious relationships. Many ladies on here have never struggled with feeling like this, but it wouldn't be fair to discount the experiences of those who have. Let's be honest, racism is real and for some women it affects their experiences in the dating scene, even with black-black relationships. I didn't believe some of this stuff existed for a while until I was placed in situations that made it very real .

For those who have dealt with this and have overcome it, what advice can you offer the ladies who are currently dealing with this? For those who are dealing with this, what have your experiences been like?

 

[yardyspice]

I didn't feel my race was a hindrance when I was on the East Coast but when I moved to Cali the number of men who would step to me definitely decreased. I found that when I went natural I had a little bounce in the numbers but overall it was down.

I just decided to make myself available to what was out there and then I was dating up a storm. I think actively being in the dating scene ensures that you always look fly when you go out and there is a confidence and pep in your step that comes from the banter when you are dating. Men pick up on that and it makes you seem more attractive IMO. It's like they realize that you don't really notice them anymore, that you are someone else's prey.

 

[lovely008]

What worked for me in the initial stages was first seeing ALL men (no matter what race) as just people. And seeing myself the same way. It helps me feel like myself and I engage freely in conversation with men whether or not there's a mutual attraction. It's so refreshing because not only do I come across as confident and therefore more attractive (not my main motivation though) but I can find out if I really connect with someone because I'm being myself.

I know it sounds a bit elementary and I'm still trying to get better at it after struggling with being shy and having low self esteem but it's worked very well for me now that I'm mentally ready to date and meet guys.

 

[Bunny77]

I'll be back...

 

[VelvetRain]

I'll be back...

Nothing to add. Was just waiting for you to swoop in here and drop some knowledge

 

[BroadstreetBully]

My first year of college was strange. It was the first time I ever felt like being a black woman held me back just a little in the dating world. I can't even explain it. Things got better once I found my 'group,' but that year stuck out to me. It wasn't just me, it was most of my black female friends who accompanied me to college. Now the black girls who were a part of the black campus "in-crowd" didn't struggle with this. However, if you were that nerdy, outcast black girl--forget it. The same black guys who were chasing you down in high school weren't thinking about your black behind in college . I am just keeping it real. Mind you we were all very into our studies but we wanted a little leisure and the college dating world just was not ready for us. It is funny because even though black women outnumber black men on many college campuses, it is like the black guys had a role in college. They were very IN even if they weren't athletes. When we went to campus activities we would be the only black girls there and would be totally ignored by any guys. Meanwhile, the black guys would be living it up. Thankfully, this changed down the line but I was very insecure then.

I had to realize that I couldn't measure my value by how many guys were hitting on me. Outside of campus black men would be all over me, but then I'd walk on campus and BAM, bizzaro world. I don't know what role black women play in the mainstream college world if we play any role at all, but maybe this had something to do with it. I felt like an alien or something.

 

[Bunny77]

My story is odd because I went to an all-black high school and got little to no play. And no, I was not an ugly duckling. I wasn't shy, my self-esteem wasn't low... I probably had the normal amount of teen angst, but overall, I felt good about myself.

However, I was quite studious and a bit silly/lighthearted/goofy (which I still am today). I have found in my life that the latter doesn't seem to go over well with a lot of black folks, regardless of gender. Why that is, I don't know, but let's just say I didn't date much.

Then I got to college. Went to a PWI. Really didn't check for non-black dudes (except one) and he acted like I didn't exist as a woman. We were classmates/buddies, which is behavior I constantly noticed among some of my white male classmates/workmates. I was "cool," and everyone liked me, but it's like, they didn't seem to see me as a dating/romantic prospect.

Among the brothas, they dated mostly black women. I don't know what it is, but in Michigan, black men usually go for black women, so all of this, "BM only want Becky," stuff has never really been a part of my life. For two years, I still was terrible at dating the brothas for the same reason I mentioned held me back in high school. Finally I broke through the ice, got a boyfriend and we were together for a year.

What changed everything, believe it or not, was going to Atlanta for the summer. This was 1999, so maybe it was alright back then. Lawd, men were all over me... good ones too! Just having that interest made me feel confident and desirable for the first time.

I think it also really helped to finally leave an academic setting. I think I really faced a stigma being a studious/silly black chick and got judged before people really got to know me. In Atlanta, I wasn't in school, but working... so men got to know me without having a preconceived notion in their heads about me.

So I guess that confidence spread to grad school, because non-black men started showing interest then. Also, grad school was just a different animal... there were a lot more quirky people like me, so I didn't get the outcast treatment. Once one non-black guy asked me out, I started to get it in my head that ALL men were capable of being interested in me, and I think men started to pick up on those signals too.

One last thing about IR... contrary to what folks say about young people being open-minded, I find that those non-black men open to dating black women don't really get to that point until their mid-20s or so. Younger than that, and they still have that block in their minds that the cute black girl in their class could be a prospect just as much as Becky can be. So I often tell college black girls not to take a lack of IR interest personally... I don't think the men are "ready" yet.

Anyway, that's my story! I never felt insecure about being a black woman on the dating scene after I hit age 23, but I still needed to learn that just because a man was interested, it didn't mean he wanted a relationship... and that just because a white man didn't want a relationship, it wasn't automatically because I was black, either.

 

[Syrah]

I never experienced discomfort dating because I was black. The discomfort came in understanding what about me men found attractive (not necessarily physically). I grew up and went to an all white high school (a big one at that) and got NO play (to "black" for the white boys, to "white" for the black boys). So I graduated, went to college and didn't know what to think or expect. I had no basis. That changed as I started to think about what was unique about me and ways I could present that.

I also realized men bucket women. If you look/act like something they've seen before, they're going to assume your personality matches that something they've seen before.

Dating is a game IN THE SENSE that you have to bait and hook. There are aspects of you that will reel them in (the bait) and then aspects that will hook them (what leads to longer term relationships). I didn't like the attention that came from ASSets so I had to figure out what other kinds of bait I could use.

Oddly enough, hair (I'm natural) became a big one. I used to get irritated when men, especially nonwhite men, asked me questions about my hair - not realizing that in many cases, it wasn't so much about my hair as it was an easy conversation starter. This may sound silly, but I think the key is giving people things to ask questions about. I have a Kenyan friend who wears these beautiful BIG earrings all of the time - and they are huge conversation starters .

Things I had to do:
Change where I was going and who I was with. Like minded people tend to have like minded interests. If you dont like the mindset of the folks at the club, either stop going, or stop going with the intent of meeting people.

Understand my own attractiveness (not limited to physical things). I'm goofy...I use that to my advantage. The bigger my hair the more men seem to be attracted to it.

The point? I think the key is to put yourself in places and around people who are beyond their own color/hair texture/race issues (black, white or otherwise). People with similar mentalities tend to do similar things. What are these things in your area?

Sidebar: For LA ladies, there's a great event called the "Do Over" On Sundays (2-8PM) that brings out an eclectic "hipster" crowd. Google it. I've gone a couple of times and there men and women from ALL walks of life and these bring out the non-black men who are interested in Black women.

Another good event for LA ladies: Plei. Google it.

 

[Bunny77]

Piggybacking off Syrah...

When I was in Atlanta, since I was "employed" for the first time -- meaning that I was in an actual office for eight hours and not surrounded by students -- I was able to hang out with a slightly older crowd. They socialized quite a bit. After work, they'd go out to dinner, go to wine tastings, baseball games, run 5Ks... it was entirely different from the very insulated socializing I did in undergrad.

I've always recommended that undergrad black women who find the campus atmosphere stifling to get out and find groups of slightly older people (mid-late 20s) with a different mentality.

Grad school was also a different animal as well... less insulated, a chance to meet a wider variety of people... I know that some undergraduate institutions have a great degree of diversity, but not many. I don't just mean racial diversity, but social, geographical, age, religious and ethnic diversity. In undergrad, I mainly met black and white folks from Michigan, with maybe the occassional international student. Boooring.

In grad school, there were people from all over the country and world. Including quirky black girls!

Oh, and I forgot about the hair part... it is a good talking point!

 

[Bunny77]

One more thing...

PLEASE stop reading articles (actually, stop reading the comments under the articles) about the woes of being a black woman trying to date and all that stuff. That is poison... even though I'd been in a relationship for much of the past two years, reading those stories made me depressed.

Hearing about how all black men supposedly want everything but black women and then non-black men won't take you home to mama... all of that is garbage. Sure, there are individual instances of all of that, but letting this stuff get in your head is not the business.

And to the college students... PLEASE stop going to all of these black "forums" that discuss the same ole' tired crap year after year about relationships. I haven't been in school for over 10 years, but I'm hearing that the discussions go the exact same way now that they did 10-20-30 years ago. It's just a bunch of single black women saying they can't find a man and the few black men there telling the black girls what they need to do to get them. Then there's usually some "conscious" brotha telling the black women that they're queens and all, and he's usually juggling a harem of them.

And if it's an "interracial dating" seminar put on by the black student group? REALLY DON'T GO. It's just going to be black women complaining, black men saying that they love black women, but it's nothing personal if they date white women, or talking about how other black men have colonized minds, but oh well... just gotta deal with them.


In other words, watch what you're letting into your head.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

. Once one non-black guy asked me out, I started to get it in my head that ALL men were capable of being interested in me, and I think men started to pick up on those signals too.

.

Regardless of experiences (in life...background, etc) I've found that THIS is what gets the men to notice. I'm a cute lady but I am NOT everyone's type. No one is. But I have noticed that men started flocking to me once I realized that I was worthy. Meaning that I was a wonderful person (and we all are) and that I was a unique individual (we all are) and started highlighting that (and stopped thinking about what others thought I should be). I think it's infectious when a person radiates a sense of happiness with who they are. Basically even those that you might never have considered, suddenly look attractive because they are not apologizing for who they are...

In my case I think it started with art. I was NOT noticed. I was the girl who was (too skinny) for the black guys and the little sister. Someone actually told my brother I was "too skinny." I swear I would've laughed at that now and said, "So?" and kim. Old boy would've come around or at least shut up...because of that unapologetic energy. But back then it was just another reason for me to feel bad about myself. I also held my head down, and was constantly apologizing. And yes I was the book smart girl, but even that doesn't matter in my opinion. It's when you come into realizing who you really are (and you continue to be that person without apologizing). And I'm talking losing that desperation (that's fed by the media with the who do you think you are? Oh you're a black women it's time for a pity party. Or oh women just have it HARD finding the right guy b.s)

Then one day I started getting into art, and getting confident in that area. I started getting a little more attention because I was more confident and happy with who I was. Then one summer, I watched a bunch of old movies on turner movie classics...At the time I also saw some Audrey Hepburn movies and I thought you know what? She has something that just radiates from her. Different color, yes, but she was really tiny just as I was at the time, and it was as if she had this invisible tiara on her. I thought about how in her time period curves were in but there she was this movie star in her own right. And I decided right then that I was going to highlight my attributes and stop worrying about what I lacked. When I say attributes I'm not just talking physical. I'm talking notice what you have that's unique inside and out, and like yourself (radiate that). That's when the flood of men started coming in. The funny part is I turned curvy by 20 ha! But at the time, it was what made me hold my shoulders up and my head back. And it didnt' matter whether my hair was long or short, men started flocking. It didn't matter what I did because I think I recognized something truly important. There are people who have "it" and "it" isn't about your hair or clothes...it's a thing that is YOU. That part of you that is unique and special and once you turn it on, it's as if a spotlight just finds you.

After that, I never had a problem attracting men (and my problem became how to tell them I wasn't interested lol because I'd always have my pick). Then I had to start thinking about what I WANTED in a man, but that's a different revelation. A good example of attracting men...I remember even before I transferred to NYU when I was in undergrad, I was at Another school in Boston, and the ladies joked that there were way more gay then straight guys but yet I was always getting hit on by the straight ones and always had a boyfriend, or a date (white, black, whatever)....and I didn't notice until they pointed it out. But low and behold, even in the desert (because there were tons of gay guys there) I found the water lol! That's when I started to think of myself as the exception to the rule. Once you define yourself, you are defined period. If you think of yourself as an exception, that you attract what you believe then I believe you do. Which is why even when everyone says it's hard to attract the right type of guy, or whoa is me I'm a black woman, I really haven't had that problem. Did I have to filter out jerks? Sure. Everyone does. But have I had dry spells (nah.). I've definitely decided when I didn't want to date to stop, but I definitely always had guys asking me out.

If you think something is wrong with you, men pick up on that. There has to be a way that you start finding out what is right about you, and start thinking of your positive traits, until the point that it radiates out. Like people start to sense that you love you inside and out....and that is like a beacon that ALL men respond to. I've had men who weren't interested in my type become interested in me, as well as those I'd never expect. That's why I quickly turn from threads that say "it's so hard...what are we to do...oh my look what this guy says about us...look at the statistics". You can't do anything while thinking you're a statistic. You're only going to attract lack if you think you lack something.

Am I realistic? Yes. I definitely know what the numbers are, I just choose to by pass that by telling the numbers who I AM (and that's a child of God or whatever you want to use there instead if you don't believe in that).

 

[luckiestdestiny]

removed....

 

[sunnydaze]

One more thing...

PLEASE stop reading articles (actually, stop reading the comments under the articles) about the woes of being a black woman trying to date and all that stuff. That is poison... even though I'd been in a relationship for much of the past two years, reading those stories made me depressed.

Hearing about how all black men supposedly want everything but black women and then non-black men won't take you home to mama... all of that is garbage. Sure, there are individual instances of all of that, but letting this stuff get in your head is not the business.

And to the college students... PLEASE stop going to all of these black "forums" that discuss the same ole' tired crap year after year about relationships. I haven't been in school for over 10 years, but I'm hearing that the discussions go the exact same way now that they did 10-20-30 years ago. It's just a bunch of single black women saying they can't find a man and the few black men there telling the black girls what they need to do to get them. Then there's usually some "conscious" brotha telling the black women that they're queens and all, and he's usually juggling a harem of them.

And if it's an "interracial dating" seminar put on by the black student group? REALLY DON'T GO. It's just going to be black women complaining, black men saying that they love black women, but it's nothing personal if they date white women, or talking about how other black men have colonized minds, but oh well... just gotta deal with them.


In other words, watch what you're letting into your head.

Really great post Bunny.

I also strongly encourage other single, relationship seeking bw here to make a consious effort to skip over the "why black men don't love you, bw marriage statistcs..etc." threads..if you are vulnerable, they will do nothing but pierce holes in your struggling confidence. I see these threads as the highway accident..you don't want to look, but do anyway, then regret that you did.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

^^^ Exactly. Look at examples that build you up. If you could look without be affected, that's one thing. But while I was vulnerable...emotionally, I'd look at things that PROVED what I wanted to believe. Look for the exceptions to the statistics so that you can believe and attract that into your life.

 

[Theo]

I would stop being so fixated on the whole race thing.

There are so many adjectives to describe you, I'm sure. Black is just one of them. Some people seem to act like its some type of special status, almost like "dating while black" is something bad lol. Your skin tone is not a hindrance, and is nothing for you to be insecure about.

People do have their prejudices, but I think viewing yourself as a multi-dimensional, multi-faceted person who has a lot to offer will help you put some of your other character traits on frontstreet, so that people will be forced to sit up and take notice of your other "adjectives".

You're a black woman who dates.... okay, and what else? Are you funny? Spiritual? Family-oriented? Domestic? Caring? Pretty? Kind? Supportive? Engaging? Intelligent? Do you relay that to the guys you meet? If you are all of the above then attracting quality men (no matter what race) shouldn't be a problem....

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I find that most of the culture shock came from being a minority within a minority. Within the geeky, nerdy, quirky crowd...black women were the minority. There were actually quite a few black men who effortlessly fit into that crowd, but as a black woman, nobody knows what to think of you--this includes black men. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. I'd go to local band shows near campus and deal with the same thing. There would be a few black men in attendance and a few actually in the band yet I'd often be the only black girl and people would be like .

I cannot speak for everyone, everywhere. I know that where I grew up, race relations were complex. Among my age group at that time it wasn't normal to be both a black outcast and have black awareness. Most black outcasts shunned everything black in order to seem less threatening and to fit in. This is why it was very hard for me to connect with black men who had similar interests. As I got older, things changed quite a bit. It is easy to say that race does not play a part in dating, and in many cases it does not. However, with racism being as prevalent as it is in our society, there are just some scenarios where stereotypes work against you and even some cases where it works to your advantage. You have to learn how to pick and choose.

 

[Syrah]

True, not all black women will not get married. False, that whether or not you are one of those women is out of your control. I say actively make a CONSCIOUS decision NOT to be one of those women.

What's hurting some of us is that we subconsciously date with this notion that "marriage isn't in the cards for me". I DID. I came home one night and was taking to my dad and said something like "but Dad, the odds are against me. The average black woman _____". And he said "then stop being the average black woman". Wait....Hmmm...

I say it facetiously - "I'm too fly to be alone" - but I think there's something to be said for doing the self-assessment and realizing that we all have something unique and special to offer another person. Figure out what that thing is and start letting it be known.

C'mon yall, we've ALL got something to offer another person that men believe is worth holding on to! THATS what we should be focusing on. Bump insecurities...we've ALL got them. Being a black woman doesn't have to be one of them.

 

[Renewed1]

I agreed with your entire post. Especially the bolded.

I had to tell my friends that dating is a game. If you want a guy to come hither (bait) you have to open the door (hook). I wanted to add I also told my friends, that if there is a guy you're mildly interested in, PRACTICE the "bait and hook" you never maybe you'll get a new friend at the very least. There's this guy at my church and I'm going to "practice" my bait and hook on him.

I'm like you Syrah. I never believed in using my body to get a guy's attention. (After I got him, I may highlight my assets, but not at first).
But, I realized when I'm smiling (I'm goofy, so I normally have a goofy thought in my head); I attract MEN of all types. So I keep a smile on my face and wear my curly attention-getter wig.

Plus, I think it has to do with confidence and treating men like their human.

Dating is a game IN THE SENSE that you have to bait and hook. There are aspects of you that will reel them in (the bait) and then aspects that will hook them (what leads to longer term relationships). I didn't like the attention that came from ASSets so I had to figure out what other kinds of bait I could use.

Understand my own attractiveness (not limited to physical things). I'm goofy...I use that to my advantage. The bigger my hair the more men seem to be attracted to it.

 

[Bunny77]

I would stop being so fixated on the whole race thing.

There are so many adjectives to describe you, I'm sure. Black is just one of them. Some people seem to act like its some type of special status, almost like "dating while black" is something bad lol. Your skin tone is not a hindrance, and is nothing for you to be insecure about.

People do have their prejudices, but I think viewing yourself as a multi-dimensional, multi-faceted person who has a lot to offer will help you put some of your other character traits on frontstreet, so that people will be forced to sit up and take notice of your other "adjectives".

You're a black woman who dates.... okay, and what else? Are you funny? Spiritual? Family-oriented? Domestic? Caring? Pretty? Kind? Supportive? Engaging? Intelligent? Do you relay that to the guys you meet? If you are all of the above then attracting quality men (no matter what race) shouldn't be a problem....

I love this!!!!!

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I never experienced discomfort dating because I was black. The discomfort came in understanding what about me men found attractive (not necessarily physically). I grew up and went to an all white high school (a big one at that) and got NO play (to "black" for the white boys, to "white" for the black boys). So I graduated, went to college and didn't know what to think or expect. I had no basis. That changed as I started to think about what was unique about me and ways I could present that.

I also realized men bucket women. If you look/act like something they've seen before, they're going to assume your personality matches that something they've seen before.

Dating is a game IN THE SENSE that you have to bait and hook. There are aspects of you that will reel them in (the bait) and then aspects that will hook them (what leads to longer term relationships). I didn't like the attention that came from ASSets so I had to figure out what other kinds of bait I could use.

Oddly enough, hair (I'm natural) became a big one. I used to get irritated when men, especially nonwhite men, asked me questions about my hair - not realizing that in many cases, it wasn't so much about my hair as it was an easy conversation starter. This may sound silly, but I think the key is giving people things to ask questions about. I have a Kenyan friend who wears these beautiful BIG earrings all of the time - and they are huge conversation starters .

Things I had to do:
Change where I was going and who I was with. Like minded people tend to have like minded interests. If you dont like the mindset of the folks at the club, either stop going, or stop going with the intent of meeting people.

Understand my own attractiveness (not limited to physical things). I'm goofy...I use that to my advantage. The bigger my hair the more men seem to be attracted to it.

The point? I think the key is to put yourself in places and around people who are beyond their own color/hair texture/race issues (black, white or otherwise). People with similar mentalities tend to do similar things. What are these things in your area?

Sidebar: For LA ladies, there's a great event called the "Do Over" On Sundays (2-8PM) that brings out an eclectic "hipster" crowd. Google it. I've gone a couple of times and there men and women from ALL walks of life and these bring out the non-black men who are interested in Black women.

Another good event for LA ladies: Plei. Google it.

To the underlined: I don't necessarily think of assets as physical....I think a personality and a smile, and an inner joy are all assets.

To the bolded:
Very true. Go where there are types that you'd like to meet. I've never found any man worth dating at a club....I believe there are exceptions to the rule, but not for me (just hasn't happened...then again I don't really go to clubs often and never have...always been the type that hangs out at artsy events).

I do believe the presentation matters...but I think without an inner joy (peace and love for self) it's almost pointless. I have a friend who always looks on point (in a classy way, with clothes that show her figure without being overt) and is beautiful but never gets approached. She is desperate to attract attention, and it seeps out. She also has very little confidence and that's also apparent. She's always asking what's wrong with her? What's wrong with her? And she's always comparing herself to others. So I think that just trying to go with outer stuff first negates the point. The outer should highlight the inner. It's that one two punch.

 

[Enyo]

I used to feel rejected by Black men that are my equivalent. The ones with my education, background, and interest never seemed attracted to me. Once I let that bitterness go, being a Black woman wasn't a concern anymore. Try being an atheist with a mental illness and trying to date. Now THAT is some serious chiz. Shoot, sometimes I forgot I was Black!! LOL!

 

[luckiestdestiny]

^^^I'm glad you let bitterness go. It seems that there's someone for everyone so it's good to focus on the positive instead of things that may hinder dating (everyone's got things they think may stand in the way of love, but really we're all wonderful and unique and totally worthy of happiness).

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I used to feel rejected by Black men that are my equivalent. The ones with my education. background, and interest never seemed attracted to me. Once I let that bitterness go, I being a Black woman wasn't a concern anymore. Try being an atheist with a mental illness and trying to date. Now THAT is some serious chiz. Shoot, sometimes I forgot I was Black!! LOL!

Interesting and I agree with this. Like I said, the black girls who were accepted by the black college crowd had no problems dating. I find that those who fall in line with the majority have fewer problems attracting friends and mates. Being the minority in terms of interests, religious beliefs, etc... can definitely get in the way of finding plenty of others with whom you share chemistry, especially when it is likely that they are spread all over the place.

I'll take my friend for example. She is a black Japanophile (I think that is what they are called?). She has dated here and there, but she often talks about her struggles in the dating world. It is hard enough to find guys who share interests with her and will not label her as a "weirdo", but on top of that, there is a bit of dating prejudice within the Japanophile community where she lives. It is not that black women aren't seen as desirable, because I doubt that is the case, I actually don't know what it is. She isn't "woe is me" but I think she realizes that unless she goes to a place where people are more open-minded, this is something she'll have to work around.

I do feel like this is an issue that black women who are into alternative cultures struggle with the most. As I matured, I had to become more open minded about the type of guys I would date and it worked to my advantage.

 

[lushcoils]

For those who are dealing with this, what have your experiences been like?

Not fun...whoever doesn't have to deal with this is truly blessed. Count your blessings lol. I try not to let it bother me. Though life could be so much worse, I wish I could live the life of the pretty girls and feel wanted for once. (The irony is that I think I'm attractive but from male reactions or lack of, I'm not ). I get worried that I might be stuck in this rut forever because I do the things that people suggest (look happy, be confident, look your best) and I still don't get approached/complimented. Just frustrating and annoying.

Even worse, I'm young, natural, living in the DMV, just finished undergrad...I should have been dating up a storm.

It also doesn't help that I see bm/non-bw couples everywhere now, more than I see bw coupled up. Still trying to figure out how to not let that bother me.

But I've gotten a lot better over the years at accepting it and enjoying what I do have. Hope getting a dating life will be a lot more easier for me in grad school/post grad life.

 

[CrissieD]

I have never thought of being black as a hinderance. I think that is the key to it not being one.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Not fun...whoever doesn't have to deal with this is truly blessed. Count your blessings lol. I try not to let it bother me. Though life could be so much worse, I wish I could live the life of the pretty girls and feel wanted for once. (The irony is that I think I'm attractive but from male reactions or lack of, I'm not ). I get worried that I might be stuck in this rut forever because I do the things that people suggest (look happy, be confident, look your best) and I still don't get approached/complimented. Just frustrating and annoying.

Even worse, I'm young, natural, living in the DMV, just finished undergrad...I should have been dating up a storm.

It also doesn't help that I see bm/non-bw couples everywhere now, more than I see bw coupled up. Still trying to figure out how to not let that bother me.

But I've gotten a lot better over the years at accepting it and enjoying what I do have. Hope getting a dating life will be a lot more easier for me in grad school/post grad life.

I thought the DMV was a great place for single black women and I thought natural hair was pretty popular around there. Is it just because you see a lot of IR couples? Maybe you should focus more on the young black couples that you see around you.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

All I'm going to say is, OP I wished you would of posted this when I started college (well, I didn't even know this forum existed but glad I found it) and I don't think I would of felt as bad as I did.

Everything you said was TRUE...EVERYTHING I really thought I was the only one going through something like this and just somewhat dealt with it.

 

[Bunny77]

Hmmm... Lushcoils, I think I know you from another board...

Whether that's the case or not, I will say (either for the first time or again), that constantly focusing on one's lack of dating success typically results in more of the same.

People can sense negativity. It doesn't surprise me that those who make it a continued point to say how they get little to no attention from men... continue to get little to no attention from men.

Negative words and thoughts bring negative results. Even if this is your reality right now, it doesn't behoove you (or anyone on this board reading this thread) to continue dwelling on it.

 

[tatiana]

I thought the DMV was a great place for single black women and I thought natural hair was pretty popular around there. Is it just because you see a lot of IR couples? Maybe you should focus more on the young black couples that you see around you.

If you live on the V side of DMV it is not a great place of single black women. Yes you see a lot of IR couples to the point you rarely see a black couple. Lord knows you will not see a YOUNG black couple. For example, when I go to a mixed race church you white couples, latin couples, four or five black dudes with a non-black females, one black female with a white dude, and about six non-coupled black females.

One can literally go weeks without seeing a black couple, young or old.

 

[lushcoils]

If you live on the V side of DMV it is not a great place of single black women. Yes you see a lot of IR couples to the point you rarely see a black couple. Lord knows you will not see a YOUNG black couple. For example, when I go to a mixed race church you white couples, latin couples, four or five black dudes with a non-black females, one black female with a white dude, and about six non-coupled black females.

One can literally go weeks without seeing a black couple, young or old.

Do these cases happen a lot because we focus on them or is it just reality? I've tried to reprogram my mindset by focusing on black couples I know in real life or remind myself of all the black women that mention they are in relationships with black men and IR online, but it still hasn't translated to the couples I see in real life.