Can this marriage be fixed?

[LifeCoach]

I have been married to my husband for 2 years. we got married when I was 24, he was 23 and we were madly in love with each other. I was also 4 months pregnant - believe me he was the most perfect man I had ever met, and in some ways he still is. He waited on me hand and foot and was always there for me. He made sure I was comfortable and always complimented and encouraged me.

In some ways he is my best friend, my lover and a man I am still very attracted to (regardless of the 2 and a half stone weight gain - which I wish he would loose).

Then as time has gone by, he seems to have changed (drastically). He never spends time with my 17 month old daughter and when he does, he is always shouting at her and he doesn't really know how to bond with her. No exaggeration but in the 17 months of her life I have never been away from her for more than one hour. This is partly because we have no/or very little family here but he wont look after her or spend time with her and she has started to refuse going to him and cries every time I have to go anywhere (even in the bathroom). Honestly, I dont blame her but I am sooo worn out. I haven't seen any of my friends since she was born because I don't trust he can take care of her and in the meantime I have lost a lot of friends due to failing to commit to their events etc.

Fast foward to now, as in recently. I am 31 weeks pregnant with my second child. At first he was soo happy (esp, since we are having a little boy so we will have one of each) but nothings changed. He never helps me and being at the late stage of my pregnancy I find it so hard to do it alone. I literally spend 24 hours with my daughter and he just sits there playing xbox,watching tv or on the computer or on the phone. Its like neither my daughter nor myself exist. I am really starting to resent him and more than anything I am worried that I am going to raise to babies alone (when my son is born my daughter will have just gone 18 months). I cry endlessly and this is really getting to me.

I am soo lost and I sometimes think I would be better off if he wasn't here. At least then I wouldn't be alone and not with him bue always feeling lonely.

Am I exaggerating? Is there anything I can do to help the situation? Please any tips would be greatly appreciated.

Before I met my husband I did not believe in marriage but Once I met him everything changed. I really don't want divorce to be an option but drastic measures need to be taken.

 

[spelmanlocks]

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

 

[DarkHair]

Have you talked to him and told him how you feel? Even if he won't listen to you, he can read....send him an email. You all really need to talk about this.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this! I know exactly what you are going through as far as being with your DD 24/7 and not even being able to go to the bathroom. It is exhausting and can make you crazy.

OK, he's not helping, and you have no family nearby. Can you find a babysitter you can trust? Is there a college nearby that might have an early education major? You can hire one of those girls on even just an occasional basis so you can get some peace. Even if it's one day every 2 weeks, just having that time to look forward to will be helpful.

Your DH is not doing well with DD. That is a problem. Throwing him out will mean a loss of income. Have you thought about how to replace his income if you do throw him out? ETA: I'm just thinking that you may be *causing* yourself more problems by throwing him out than you would be solving.

 

[Brit031586]

I'm so sorry this is happeneing.... I think that maybe you guys should have a talk or seek some marriage counseling. It may help for him to hear how you feel (if you have not already discussed it with him). It would really bother me if he only paid attention to my child to yell at her I would address that issue A.S.A.P. HTH

 

[Triniwegian]

I noticed that you refer to both the little girl and the unborn baby as yours. You say my daughter, my son. Are you at all encouraging him to spend time with the baby?
What are you doing to help him bond with the baby? How do you approach him?

I don't know if I should put a lot of emphasis on it but the "my baby", "my daughter" comment stuck out to me.

 

[LifeCoach]

I cant tell you how many times I have sat him down and talked to him about it. I used to pride myself on our communication skills. He usually sits silently and says he agrees - things do need to change. Then he will say from now on I am going to try better, he will say he cant believe he has been such a fool etc and we will be fine for a day and he will revert back to old ways... I haven't tried email form maybe that's something I need to think about. I did write him a letter once, he didn't reply by letter...once again, we sat down and talked about it and nothing changed!

 

[LifeCoach]

Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this! I know exactly what you are going through as far as being with your DD 24/7 and not even being able to go to the bathroom. It is exhausting and can make you crazy.

OK, he's not helping, and you have no family nearby. Can you find a babysitter you can trust? Is there a college nearby that might have an early education major? You can hire one of those girls on even just an occasional basis so you can get some peace. Even if it's one day every 2 weeks, just having that time to look forward to will be helpful.

Your DH is not doing well with DD. That is a problem. Throwing him out will mean a loss of income. Have you thought about how to replace his income if you do throw him out? ETA: I'm just thinking that you may be *causing* yourself more problems by throwing him out than you would be solving.

I think I would be able to cope without the income as I have a lot of savings...even though I'd rather not. I haven't worked since DD was born because I just wanted to be home with her and not miss any steps so he is currently the one that goes out to work.

I have always been afraid of letting someone else look after my daughter ( i guess its a trust issue) but I might have to look into it. I cant imagine going on like this. I love her to bits but I don't think its good for her that I am always exhausted!

 

[Triniwegian]

If you want to save the marriage and want your children to grow up with a happy two parent household, counseling might be the best way to go. It seems as though you have communicated how you best know how to, some help from outside might be the best option for you.

 

[LifeCoach]

I noticed that you refer to both the little girl and the unborn baby as yours. You say my daughter, my son. Are you at all encouraging him to spend time with the baby?
What are you doing to help him bond with the baby? How do you approach him?

I don't know if I should put a lot of emphasis on it but the "my baby", "my daughter" comment stuck out to me.

I tried in the initial stages but when I noticed he wasn't doing anything, I didn't push for it. They go to a father and baby group on Saturdays for an hour and that is my break but yesterday, he called me and said she was crying too much so I had to pick her up after 15 minutes. I was soo looking froward to nap time as I am always feeling tired.

Honestly it feels like they are MY children and he is just there. It doesn't feel like he is the father...maybe just someone living with us!

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

OP, why is it that you don't trust him with your DD...because she cries? I am wondering if there is any resentment on his part because he (may) feel that you no longer value him as much since you had the baby (just grasping at straws). I'm just wondering if he may feel that he has no "place" because you do everything for your DD.

Also, as another poster said, is there anyone you can trust to babysit? It sounds as if you need some self time. Is there anything that you can do for a few hours just by yourself for yourself? I am concerned that now you feel isolated from your friends and your DH.

Also, have you verbalized what expectations you have of him regarding pregnancy? Have you suggested counseling? is he open to that? Does he realize the seriousness of the issue?

 

[dplyrooted]

You as the wife have to train your husband to be the type of wife and father that you want him to be with love. Yall were both young when u got married and both probably didn't know your own selves. Marriage is work, and 2 years is not enough time to throw in the towel. Sorry he needs to grow up, and as his loving wife you are going to have to find a way to thrustfully and lovingly support him through this. Get counseling right away!! But people only treat us the way that we allow them treat us!!! Dude would think I was crazy, he'd come home and their wouldn't be a video game or computer or phone for him to distract himself with. Whatever! I'm supportive and loving, but crazy comes along with that! I'd blame it on the pregancy! But that boy/man would know I wasn't playing, and this sort of triflingness wasn't up for a long discussion!! Please!

 

[LifeCoach]

OP, why is it that you don't trust him with your DD...because she cries? I am wondering if there is any resentment on his part because he (may) feel that you no longer value him as much since you had the baby (just grasping at straws). I'm just wondering if he may feel that he has no "place" because you do everything for your DD.

Also, as another poster said, is there anyone you can trust to babysit? It sounds as if you need some self time. Is there anything that you can do for a few hours just by yourself for yourself? I am concerned that now you feel isolated from your friends and your DH.

Also, have you verbalized what expectations you have of him regarding pregnancy? Have you suggested counseling? is he open to that? Does he realize the seriousness of the issue?

Thanks for this, I think that there is some truth in this. Initially I may have failed to get him involved and as time went on he just didn't.


Its not just because she cries but because he always seems to be shouting at her, never praising her. Most times when I leave them together. I will come back and she is playing by herself while he surfs the net on his phone or watches sport. I start to feel guilty so I take her away. I try raising the point that quality time should be just that but he always seems to be doing something else...like she is never worth 100% of his time.

In terms of babysitting I have been and I am going to try and look into this... When I got pregnant, I did explain that I am going to need a lot more help...with our little one so I can rest etc... He seemed to understand it. I even asked my midwives for some websites on how to support ur wife during pregnancy and I passed these on to him. I also told him that I want to have some me time. I have always been into reading, gym etc and before I feel pregnant... I was going to do my masters but I dont even remember the last time I read and completed a book!

 

[LifeCoach]

You as the wife have to train your husband to be the type of wife and father that you want him to be with love. Yall were both young when u got married and both probably didn't know your own selves. Marriage is work, and 2 years is not enough time to throw in the towel. Sorry he needs to grow up, and as his loving wife you are going to have to find a way to thrustfully and lovingly support him through this. Get counseling right away!! But people only treat us the way that we allow them treat us!!! Dude would think I was crazy, he'd come home and their wouldn't be a video game or computer or phone for him to distract himself with. Whatever! I'm supportive and loving, but crazy comes along with that! I'd blame it on the pregancy! But that boy/man would know I wasn't playing, and this sort of triflingness wasn't up for a long discussion!! Please!

I do not want to throw in the towel. I know marriage is hard work and so that is what I am willing to put in to it.

I agree he needs to grow up because we both made the choice to get married and we both made the choice to have these angels - we were not forced into any situation!

I guessI really need to get assertive and show him that this is something that really is affecting me. Sometimes I think he thinks its all just a big game but I dont want my babies to be affected...

 

[Aveena]

I agree that conseling (sp) individually - you and him seperately and then together might be helpful. Honestly, I think your DH is using the toddlers crying as an excuse to not take his portion of the responsibility.

And I wonder if you are comforted by the fact that your daughter prefers you? (secretly?) IDK

But she and the new one coming are going to have to have a relationship with their dad I'm I'm thinking that is your desire... I mean if he would step up? but it seems he has a cop out because when he does the baby cries and you swoop in. ..

again I don't know if swooping in all the time is ultimately going to get you the results you want.

Since I dont know the ins and outs of the relationship I just think you two need help and should commit to finding a family conselor.

 

[Mortons]

How was your husband with the baby when she was an infant? Did he spend time with her then? Is there a way that you all can do other activities all together outside of the house, such as go to the zoo, go on a nature trail, etc? I think time without available distractions can help all of you bond as a family.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

you need to give him time to bond with your daughter, having TWO young babies 24/7 is no joke!!
Approach him in a nice manner-explain to him you are exhausted and you really need his help to raise your babies!
I would also confiscate all the technology distractions

He may resent you for always being with your daughter..

Also, he will take advantage of situations, like when they were at the group and he called you after 15 minutes because she was crying? that's his baby for gods sake..

i really hope you both can work something out..maybe he did not know how hard parenthood was really going to be? please try and encourage him to be a father, for the sake of your babies!

 

[calliope]

Some men are excited at the idea of a baby and then become resentful and childish when the baby comes and they see how much time and attention they take up- away from them.

They go from being the center of your world to on the sidelines and not all are ready to become a father the way a woman just naturally becomes a mother.

Bottom line, he needs to grow up. Can't tell you what to do in regards to saving your marriage or not, but I can tell you that it's not going to get any better when the second child comes. Hugs and good luck to you in your decisions.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

My friend went through something similar. They went to counseling and it turned out that the husband felt trapped and that he wasn't getting to enjoy his young years because they married so young (22 years of age) and had kids back to back. I also have an aunt who always calls the kids hers and her husband took offense to it so much till they ended up separating later on. He said it was too much of a power struggle and she wasn't allowing him to be a man.

No advice but good luck.

 

[spelmanlocks]

I agree with the above two posts. You all married a young age by today's standards and are soon to have two small children. It seems to me that he may be having a hard time coping with his loss of youth, which is why he prefers to play video games instead of playing with his daughter. My own husband gave this as the reason why he wanted to wait for kids. Counseling is definitely in order and you two need to have a serious talk.

 

[MissYocairis]

When I read your posts, the main thing that occurred to me is that your husband probably doesn't know exactly why he feels out of sorts...but he does. He's not taking to the whole fatherhood thing and there is some reason for it. Rather than talking to him about the help you need, someone (you, him, a therapist, clergy) is going to have to help him get to the real root of what he is feeling.

ITA with the ladies who stated he's experiencing some loss of youth...or some other version of longing/loss with the introduction of children into his life. It will get worse when the second child is born because you will have an even greater burden and the level of communication between the two of you will suffer even more.

Seems like it would be helpful if he got to the bottom of what he is feeling and why so he can deal with it and be a better man, husband, father. I really think solo therapy for him would be the most ideal. He needs to be able to say and explore everything in an environment where his manhood will not be too vulnerable (by having you there).

I wonder if he's willing? Too many times we forgo something as simple and effective as therapy because of the stigma attached but it's really effective for exploring and getting to the root of why you do what you do. I hope your husband is willing. You don't have much time before your anxiety level is going to be kicked up into fourth gear. (maybe you should consider hiring a housekeeper to help out in the meantime).

 

[Spiffy]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the dynamics of a lot of peoples relationships change once kids come into the picture (could be jealousy of the attention your daughter gets that he used to get).

I am no professional, but have you ever thought you could be post partum? I have heard gone undiagnosed it can last for a year or more. And you are pregnant again, so I know the hormones can have women up and down. Not trying to blame you or anything dear, just saying things like that could cloud your perception as well.

Honestly, I would no say if someone should leave there marriage, that's something only you can decide after expressing how you feel with your husband and at least trying to make it work.

 

[HairBarbie]

I think I would be able to cope without the income as I have a lot of savings...even though I'd rather not. I haven't worked since DD was born because I just wanted to be home with her and not miss any steps so he is currently the one that goes out to work.

I have always been afraid of letting someone else look after my daughter ( i guess its a trust issue) but I might have to look into it. I cant imagine going on like this. I love her to bits but I don't think its good for her that I am always exhausted!

It seems like you may have unconsiously prevented him from bonding with his daughter in the beginning since you have this trust and my my my my my issue, then when you got tired of not having any fun you all of a sudden now want him to be a daddy. You still have problems with acknowledging that she's both of y'alls daughter and not just yours, you want him to bond with YOUR daughter but not y'alls daughter.

This reminds me of many women that have posted about how they will not trust the father of their child to be alone with their child.

The best thing would be for both of you to get counseling and find out what you can do to help him be able to connect with his daughter and son. Get his side of the story too. I suppose that age could be an issue, but a lot of young fathers don't ignore their children like that, even if they resent losing their youth.

 

[LifeCoach]

Thank you soooo much ladies for all your posts. They have been so insightful and it is clear to me that a change needs to be made especially before the newborn arrives. I am going to talk to my husband as soon as he gets home from work. Please keep the advice coming and I will keep you updated!

How was your husband with the baby when she was an infant? Did he spend time with her then? Is there a way that you all can do other activities all together outside of the house, such as go to the zoo, go on a nature trail, etc? I think time without available distractions can help all of you bond as a family.

At a younger age. he did spend more time with her but I was home most of the time in the beginning that we were always together as a 3! He was more patient with her and it was obvious she was his pride and Joy

 

[LifeCoach]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the dynamics of a lot of peoples relationships change once kids come into the picture (could be jealousy of the attention your daughter gets that he used to get).

I am no professional, but have you ever thought you could be post partum? I have heard gone undiagnosed it can last for a year or more. And you are pregnant again, so I know the hormones can have women up and down. Not trying to blame you or anything dear, just saying things like that could cloud your perception as well.

Honestly, I would no say if someone should leave there marriage, that's something only you can decide after expressing how you feel with your husband and at least trying to make it work.

I did think that I may have been postpartum at some point but when I spoke to people (mum and husband) they brushed it under the carpet and said it was just the stress of a new baby. I went on to do a few tests which said I was borderline but never went any further with that. That was a year ago!

 

[ThickHair]

My friend went through something similar. They went to counseling and it turned out that the husband felt trapped and that he wasn't getting to enjoy his young years because they married so young (22 years of age) and had kids back to back. I also have an aunt who always calls the kids hers and her husband took offense to it so much till they ended up separating later on. He said it was too much of a power struggle and she wasn't allowing him to be a man.

No advice but good luck.

Ex BFF did this and she thought that it was the best because in her words, she knew what the kids needed and he didn't. Everyone told her it was going to back fire and she was going to be left doing it all. She didn't believe us and now she is doing all the work and itching about it, claiming her husband is no good, etc. We all point her to her past statements. Now she is saying she didn't mean it like that. I told her that is how we all took it and that is how he took it. Now deal with it.

Sorry to be so cruel, but if you make a bed, be prepared to sleep in it.

 

[anon123]

I'm not married and don't have any children, so what I'm saying is just things I have heard from others who have more experience.

You might try slowly getting him accustomed to the behavior you'd like to see from him. Give him tasks to do that will take some of the burden off of yourself.

Also, you are overwhelmed with child care for them, which also means you have no time for your husband. Would it be possible to do things as a family, and then you scale back your behavior and interaction so that he takes the lead. Encourage him to give her positive feedback, like "honey, look at what she did, isn't that wonderful?" So that he gets to understand other ways to interact with your child without yelling.

 

[kayte]

At a younger age. he did spend more time with her but I was home most of the time in the beginning that we were always together as a 3! He was more patient with her and it was obvious she was his pride and Joy

this is really beautiful...you want to get back to this
but I agree early 20's to be married and then with two babies under the age of two..whew
he's probably shouting at her out of frustration at being a dad
when emotionally he does not sound ready.....

Family counseling or family guidance is a must but
3 things also come to mind
OP you MUST take some responsibility for this..you helped set this up...

if you have savings...enough to support yourself. and the kids...you said
if you had separated from your husband....
then you have enough for a sitter..
you're exhausted...this is MANDATORY
you might not always need one but you do NOW

get a sitter once or twice a week who can also do light chores
and initially to babysit/clean....while you are at the house...
and napping..or resting....GET USED TO IT...
You need the support....trying to depend on your husband is not working ..now
so get the support from the sitter as you are getting help
with family counseling.

initally the sitter can work at your home
you can monitor the sitter....even to play with the baby while you are there
even for an hour...then you can graduate to more time as able for
you-time...
your husband needs..his-time too and you both need to validate each other's
balancing alone time.....couple time... and family time

Date w/hubby
can you and your hubby have once a week...alone time
can go have lunch for an hour?..or do something..just the two of you
watch tv...movies
again with your babysitter support system

Allow your husband the videogames or whatever ...he's blowing off steam
but set up some scheduling ..if the daddy and me excursions are not working
as is.... babysitter go WITH him....
make sure to hire a grandma type

and have family outings again!
take your husband's input very seriously
where would he like to go...


... begin calling 'your' children
OUR children...
pyschologically to help make that shift
see what it does in terms of what actions evolve from that

allow him to be their daddy
and to be your husband

good luck OP

 

[LifeCoach]

Thank you kayte, that is great advice. I am working on this now. We were looking into baby sitters last night. I even had a chat with my mum and she is willing to help once a week from June (when she completes her courses)

I have written DH a letter and he said he did not know that is how I felf. He says he will process this so we can sit down and have a proper talk - fingers crossed!

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

Thank you kayte, that is great advice. I am working on this now. We were looking into baby sitters last night. I even had a chat with my mum and she is willing to help once a week from June (when she completes her courses)

I have written DH a letter and he said he did not know that is how I felf. He says he will process this so we can sit down and have a proper talk - fingers crossed!

Wondeful news OP! Sometimes we think DHs should know stuff because it appears to be common sense but I have learned that I have to literally spell stuff out that I want my DH to do!