Black women date out of our race because we HAVE to...

[Recovering Weave-aholic]

Hmm, how can I explain this without ranting?? Once upon a time, my cousins, my sister and I were lamenting about men and the topic of interracial dating came up. We all grew up in San Antonio, TX and for those of yall who don't know, there are not a lot of black folks around here (something like 6%). The majority of black men here date Mexican women--not exclusively but that seems to be their preference--so that leaves us black women to fend for ourselves. Three of us, myself included, have dated outside our race but one of my cousins and my twin sister are completely against dating anyone but black men.

My oldest cousin (who has had men fawning all over her since she was 16 and is set to marry a white/Korean man) said "black men date outside the race by choice; but we do it because we have to" SAY WORD!!! My last few relationships were with whites/hispanics but that is really not how I planned it. If I could find a black man who treated me as well as they did, I would be picking wedding dresses as we speak. I say all that to say, do you think we (black women) really want to date outside the race or are we just making lemonade?

 

[Bunny77]

Hmm, how can I explain this without ranting?? Once upon a time, my cousins, my sister and I were lamenting about men and the topic of interracial dating came up. We all grew up in San Antonio, TX and for those of yall who don't know, there are not a lot of black folks around here (something like 6%). The majority of black men here date Mexican women--not exclusively but that seems to be their preference--so that leaves us black women to fend for ourselves. Three of us, myself included, have dated outside our race but one of my cousins and my twin sister are completely against dating anyone but black men.

My oldest cousin (who has had men fawning all over her since she was 16 and is set to marry a white/Korean man) said "black men date outside the race by choice; but we do it because we have to" SAY WORD!!! My last few relationships were with whites/hispanics but that is really not how I planned it. If I could find a black man who treated me as well as they did, I would be picking wedding dresses as we speak. I say all that to say, do you think we (black women) really want to date outside the race or are we just making lemonade?

Okay, well I personally disagree with this for myself, but to each her own.

I am involved with a white man and I chose him over various black men I dated. I did not prefer a black man, I just preferred a good man. I was not forced into making my choice, and I've always dated whomever I wanted out of free will. Even if there was a guarantee of a good black man for every good black women, I'd still be open to dating men of other races.

My current BF is far a lemon that I just settled for because I really wanted a black man instead. I dated outside my race by choice -- even though I still dated black men as well -- because I was never hung up on the idea that only a black man would be for me.

I have no problem with black women preferring black men. That makes sense to me. But I almost feel that black women are obsessed with black men to a point that's just ridiculous... folks willing to give up their dreams, goals, standards and lives just to have "a black man," and if they don't find this black man, they'll just be single. Sheeeet... never that for me! It ain't even that serious....

A man is a man is a man. If he is down for Bunny, regardless of color, he can get it. Period.

 

[drasgrl]

Okay, well I personally disagree with this for myself, but to each her own.

I am involved with a white man and I chose him over various black men I dated. I did not prefer a black man, I just preferred a good man. I was not forced into making my choice, and I've always dated whomever I wanted out of free will. Even if there was a guarantee of a good black man for every good black women, I'd still be open to dating men of other races.

My current BF is far a lemon that I just settled for because I really wanted a black man instead. I dated outside my race by choice -- even though I still dated black men as well -- because I was never hung up on the idea that only a black man would be for me.

I have no problem with black women preferring black men. That makes sense to me. But I almost feel that black women are obsessed with black men to a point that's just ridiculous... folks willing to give up their dreams, goals, standards and lives just to have "a black man," and if they don't find this black man, they'll just be single. Sheeeet... never that for me! It ain't even that serious....

A man is a man is a man. If he is down for Bunny, regardless of color, he can get it. Period.

That's all she wrote. That says it all for me. I've dated all flavors don't matter to me. Like the Price song, I'm an international lover. Men are men. If they approach me and take the time to want to get to know me regardless of the package then it's all good to me. I'm an equal opportunity dater. Everyone has a chance with me. The majority of guys I've dated haven't been black. I didn't plan on it, didn't seek it purposely, that's just the way it happened and it's all good to me.

 

[AtlantaJJ]

Okay, well I personally disagree with this for myself, but to each her own.

I am involved with a white man and I chose him over various black men I dated. I did not prefer a black man, I just preferred a good man. I was not forced into making my choice, and I've always dated whomever I wanted out of free will. Even if there was a guarantee of a good black man for every good black women, I'd still be open to dating men of other races.

My current BF is far a lemon that I just settled for because I really wanted a black man instead. I dated outside my race by choice -- even though I still dated black men as well -- because I was never hung up on the idea that only a black man would be for me.

I have no problem with black women preferring black men. That makes sense to me. But I almost feel that black women are obsessed with black men to a point that's just ridiculous... folks willing to give up their dreams, goals, standards and lives just to have "a black man," and if they don't find this black man, they'll just be single. Sheeeet... never that for me! It ain't even that serious....

A man is a man is a man. If he is down for Bunny, regardless of color, he can get it. Period.

Very well stated!!! ITA!

ETA: your hair Bunny!

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I think it depends on the person. I'm like Bunny, I've kept my options open as far as the race of a man. Some women don't want to date outside thier race, but end up doing so because they can't find a decent black man and don't want to be alone. Other women will wait and wait and wait for that ebony prince... even if he never comes.

I'm glad I was open to dating outside my race, or I never would have married the most kind, intelligent, hardworking man I've ever met. He's an awesome father, and a good provider. If I'd passed him over for being Asian, I'd be the loser.

 

[cmperez]

The way I see it is there's always a choice. No one has to do anything...

It's sad to think what one may have missed out on just because skin color got in the way.

 

[DayStar]

sigh...i want a black huband...so i am one of those chicks.......now im not going to stay single if i never meet my choice....im open to finding true love despite the color...but i would love black babies

 

[AtlantaJJ]

sigh...i want a black huband...so i am one of those chicks.......now im not going to stay single if i never meet my choice....im open to finding true love despite the color...but i would love black babies

If you are black your babies will be black. My son's father is Asian, however my son knows that he is black with Asian and African heritage. In the USA he will always be black / African American. It's just a fact of life here in the states.

 

[DayStar]

If you are black your babies will be black. My son's father is Asian, however my son knows that he is black with Asian and African heritage. In the USA he will always be black / African American. It's just a fact of life here in the states.

yeah i guess......... im not closed off to dating outside my race, i would just prefer a man who looked like me....but at the end of the day...i want to be in love and happy.

 

[Ms.Honey]

yeah i guess......... im not closed off to dating outside my race, i would just prefer a man who looked like me....but at the end of the day...i want to be in love and happy.

That's the most important thing. Many sisters here are in IR and happily married with babies enjoying their lives. Color doesn't matter. A good man is a good man.

 

[chicacanella]

I don't know. At first I was made to feel like I must be with an AA because I am suppose to be. So, when they weren't acting right I said, "hey, what about Nigerian?" But now, I am like whatever I like whatever man I choose to like and if he makes me happy then that is what matters.

I think alot of AA women may have felt subconciously pushed on the AA man never even considering they could date whomever they choose or ever even looking at that option.

 

[Hoody87]

Hmm, how can I explain this without ranting?? Once upon a time, my cousins, my sister and I were lamenting about men and the topic of interracial dating came up. We all grew up in San Antonio, TX and for those of yall who don't know, there are not a lot of black folks around here (something like 6%). The majority of black men here date Mexican women--not exclusively but that seems to be their preference--so that leaves us black women to fend for ourselves. Three of us, myself included, have dated outside our race but one of my cousins and my twin sister are completely against dating anyone but black men.

My oldest cousin (who has had men fawning all over her since she was 16 and is set to marry a white/Korean man) said "black men date outside the race by choice; but we do it because we have to" SAY WORD!!! My last few relationships were with whites/hispanics but that is really not how I planned it. If I could find a black man who treated me as well as they did, I would be picking wedding dresses as we speak. I say all that to say, do you think we (black women) really want to date outside the race or are we just making lemonade?

I am from San Antonio too so I know what u mean...my bf is black, but he's not from here.

 

[Bunny77]

I don't know. At first I was made to feel like I must be with an AA because I am suppose to be. So, when they weren't acting right I said, "hey, what about Nigerian?" But now, I am like whatever I like whatever man I choose to like and if he makes me happy then that is what matters.

I think alot of AA women may have felt subconciously pushed on the AA man never even considering they could date whomever they choose or ever even looking at that option.

See, I think you hit the nail on the head. I think that BW are made to feel that they have to be with BM (of whatever heritage), while BM never face that type of pressure.

That's why I think there's more to things than BW simply preferring BM... anytime you feel forced to date out or that you HAVE to date non-BM and BM can choose... something's a little fishy there... it's all conditioning.

 

[Bunny77]

Very well stated!!! ITA!

ETA: your hair Bunny!

Thank you, and thank you!!!

 

[Dposh167]

Some women Are just NOT attracted to other races...which i can relate to. So if thats the case then it can appear as if ur just staying loyal to ur race. But not b.c. U feel those are the rules, but b.c. ur not attracted to other races the way u are with blackmen.

 

[janiebaby]

I think for some women it may be true but not all. I have always loved fine men (fine is relative) but if I'm feeling someone I'm feeling them. I'm not gonna go for a non-fine white/asian/puerto rican man because I can't find a fine black man and I ain't givin up my fine white/asian/puerto rican man because I can get a non-fine black man. Maybe when my hormones calm down but not today.....

Some women Are just NOT attracted to other races...which i can relate to. So if thats the case then it can appear as if ur just staying loyal to ur race. But not b.c. U feel those are the rules, but b.c. ur not attracted to other races the way u are with blackmen.

I completely 100% agree....

 

[DayStar]

Some women Are just NOT attracted to other races...which i can relate to. So if thats the case then it can appear as if ur just staying loyal to ur race. But not b.c. U feel those are the rules, but b.c. ur not attracted to other races the way u are with blackmen.

YESSSSS!!!

I am attracted to other races of men, but RARELY am i sexually attracted to them...

 

[Everything Zen]

YESSSSS!!!

I am attracted to other races of men, but RARELY am i sexually attracted to them...

I'm rarely sexually attracted to anyone.

 

[SouthernJewel]

Some women Are just NOT attracted to other races...which i can relate to. So if thats the case then it can appear as if ur just staying loyal to ur race. But not b.c. U feel those are the rules, but b.c. ur not attracted to other races the way u are with blackmen.

I get hit on by "others" daily and none of them get play.
Im just not attracted to them.

Right now, I have NO interest in any race except AA.
A good man is a good man,I get that. However,I am only interested in a good BLACK man.

 

[Syrah]

Hmm, how can I explain this without ranting?? Once upon a time, my cousins, my sister and I were lamenting about men and the topic of interracial dating came up. We all grew up in San Antonio, TX and for those of yall who don't know, there are not a lot of black folks around here (something like 6%). The majority of black men here date Mexican women--not exclusively but that seems to be their preference--so that leaves us black women to fend for ourselves. Three of us, myself included, have dated outside our race but one of my cousins and my twin sister are completely against dating anyone but black men.

My oldest cousin (who has had men fawning all over her since she was 16 and is set to marry a white/Korean man) said "black men date outside the race by choice; but we do it because we have to" SAY WORD!!! My last few relationships were with whites/hispanics but that is really not how I planned it. If I could find a black man who treated me as well as they did, I would be picking wedding dresses as we speak. I say all that to say, do you think we (black women) really want to date outside the race or are we just making lemonade?

You're making lemonade. There are plenty of black women married to amazing black men. And there are some amazing single brothers out there looking for a sister to make black babies with. Maybe:

- You're looking in the wrong places.
- You're sending off the wrong vibe.
- Maybe you're ignoring the few that approach you
- Or maybe it just ain't your time yet
- And maybe, what you THINK you want isn't actually what is best for you.
(you general and you specific)

But clearly there's a desire on your part to be married already. Nothing wrong with that. Different Spin: throw away that "I.B.M." (Ideal Black Man) list and just start living. If you WANT to get married, put as much effort and focus on to the pursuit of a husband and the M.R.S. as you did with college or your job.

...before you start to blame the "curse of the brothers" take a look at what you could be doing differently.

Some things happen by chance, others happen through determination and effort. I don't know where we ALL (myself included) got this notion that true love can only occur via chance. We earn good jobs and good paying salaries. We earn good educations. We get lucky with our men?! We earned that, too.

 

[SouthernJewel]

You're making lemonade. There are plenty of black women married to amazing black men. And there are some amazing single brothers out there looking for a sister to make black babies with. Maybe:

- You're looking in the wrong places.
- You're sending off the wrong vibe.
- Maybe you're ignoring the few that approach you
- Or maybe it just ain't your time yet
- And maybe, what you THINK you want isn't actually what is best for you.
(you general and you specific)

But clearly there's a desire on your part to be married already. Nothing wrong with that. Different Spin: throw away that "I.B.M." (Ideal Black Man) list and just start living. If you WANT to get married, put as much effort and focus on to the pursuit of a husband and the M.R.S. as you did with college or your job.

...before you start to blame the "curse of the brothers" take a look at what you could be doing differently.

Some things happen by chance, others happen through determination and effort. I don't know where we ALL (myself included) got this notion that true love can only occur via chance. We earn good jobs and good paying salaries. We earn good educations. We get lucky with our men?!

Great post!

OP: I THINK YOU NEED TO RELOCATE. Seriously. Have you considered moving to Houston (only 2 hours).

 

[tocktick]

personally, i believe it's a bad idea to only consider dating outside of your race because you think this is the only way to obtain a man. it just seems like a bad mindset to have when you are looking for a partner. i think if you're going to date ir then you should already be attracted to non-black men and see them as a genuine option and not just the last resort.

i understand that some will mainly (or only) date non-black men due to environment but they shouldn't be using the "there are no black men so i have to date non-black" excuse to "justify" their actions. by doing that, i question whether they were really into their partners (or just settling), if they would have dated black men were the option available to them and how comfortable they really are with their choices.

if you're going to date "out" then own it and be comfortable in your choice. don't come up with excuses for why you "had" to do it. imo, if some were that concerned about dating black men exclusively despite their nearly all white environment then they'd be actively seeking them out at all-black events, connecting with mutual friends, going online and even re-locating.

 

[LaPetiteCoquette]

You're making lemonade. There are plenty of black women married to amazing black men. And there are some amazing single brothers out there looking for a sister to make black babies with. Maybe:

- You're looking in the wrong places.
- You're sending off the wrong vibe.
- Maybe you're ignoring the few that approach you
- Or maybe it just ain't your time yet
- And maybe, what you THINK you want isn't actually what is best for you.
(you general and you specific)

But clearly there's a desire on your part to be married already. Nothing wrong with that. Different Spin: throw away that "I.B.M." (Ideal Black Man) list and just start living. If you WANT to get married, put as much effort and focus on to the pursuit of a husband and the M.R.S. as you did with college or your job.

...before you start to blame the "curse of the brothers" take a look at what you could be doing differently.

Some things happen by chance, others happen through determination and effort. I don't know where we ALL (myself included) got this notion that true love can only occur via chance. We earn good jobs and good paying salaries. We earn good educations. We get lucky with our men?! We earned that, too.

Just wanted to cosign to this amazingly written post. Nothing to add ...

 

[janiebaby]

You're making lemonade. There are plenty of black women married to amazing black men. And there are some amazing single brothers out there looking for a sister to make black babies with. Maybe:

- You're looking in the wrong places.
- You're sending off the wrong vibe.
- Maybe you're ignoring the few that approach you
- Or maybe it just ain't your time yet
- And maybe, what you THINK you want isn't actually what is best for you.
(you general and you specific)

But clearly there's a desire on your part to be married already. Nothing wrong with that. Different Spin: throw away that "I.B.M." (Ideal Black Man) list and just start living. If you WANT to get married, put as much effort and focus on to the pursuit of a husband and the M.R.S. as you did with college or your job.

...before you start to blame the "curse of the brothers" take a look at what you could be doing differently.

Some things happen by chance, others happen through determination and effort. I don't know where we ALL (myself included) got this notion that true love can only occur via chance. We earn good jobs and good paying salaries. We earn good educations. We get lucky with our men?! We earned that, too.

I would like to present my cosignature.

 

[Lebiya]

Okay, well I personally disagree with this for myself, but to each her own.

I am involved with a white man and I chose him over various black men I dated. I did not prefer a black man, I just preferred a good man. I was not forced into making my choice, and I've always dated whomever I wanted out of free will. Even if there was a guarantee of a good black man for every good black women, I'd still be open to dating men of other races.

My current BF is far a lemon that I just settled for because I really wanted a black man instead. I dated outside my race by choice -- even though I still dated black men as well -- because I was never hung up on the idea that only a black man would be for me.

I have no problem with black women preferring black men. That makes sense to me. But I almost feel that black women are obsessed with black men to a point that's just ridiculous... folks willing to give up their dreams, goals, standards and lives just to have "a black man," and if they don't find this black man, they'll just be single. Sheeeet... never that for me! It ain't even that serious....

A man is a man is a man. If he is down for Bunny, regardless of color, he can get it. Period.

ITA w/ you again!

Black women don’t have to do anything, it’s all by choice.

The only problem I have is all the articles, tv shows, radio discussions, messageboards, gossiping at work about the ‘woe is me…nobody wants me…cant find me a black man…black men don’t want us anymore ….I will always be single…black men please come back home…etc etc..etc..etc..etc..etc..etccc

I. AM. JUST. SO. TIRED. OF. IT!!!!!

It's not a good image for us. That's my only rant. The black women who prefer to be single because they choose not to date out and cant find a black man, that’s fine with me, they’re the ones missing out IMO, not me.

I personally know of a few black women who actually moved ( by plane) to another country, all in hopes of finding a black man. Pulled their kids out school, sold their house, gave up their job at work, gave up everything and moved to another country to find a black man, that IMO is ridiculous! …But again that’s their choice, I just hope they don’t come on national tv talking black men still not wanting them in the new country reside in too

 

[Syrah]

ITA w/ you again!

Black women don’t have to do anything, it’s all by choice.

The only problem I have is all the articles, tv shows, radio discussions, messageboards, gossiping at work about the ‘woe is me…nobody wants me…cant find me a black man…black men don’t want us anymore ….I will always be single…black men please come back home…etc etc..etc..etc..etc..etc..etccc

I. AM. JUST. SO. TIRED. OF. IT!!!!!

I'm so with you. I wish WE'D stop perpetuating this nonsense.

What if it's an ugly cycle that no one's willing to break so instead we're just going in circles? We air our dirty laundry issues with black men on national tv, they air their interracial relationships and feelings about black women on national tv. Round and round and round we go.

 

[Vinyl]

I date outside of my race because I have no preference either way... It's all about chemistry. I'm not going to only seek out black men, but I'm not going to avoid them either.

 

[lierin]

ITA w/ you again!

Black women don’t have to do anything, it’s all by choice.

The only problem I have is all the articles, tv shows, radio discussions, messageboards, gossiping at work about the ‘woe is me…nobody wants me…cant find me a black man…black men don’t want us anymore ….I will always be single…black men please come back home…etc etc..etc..etc..etc..etc..etccc

I. AM. JUST. SO. TIRED. OF. IT!!!!!

It's not a good image for us. That's my only rant. The black women who prefer to be single because they choose not to date out and cant find a black man, that’s fine with me, they’re the ones missing out IMO, not me.

I personally know of a few black women who actually moved ( by plane) to another country, all in hopes of finding a black man. Pulled their kids out school, sold their house, gave up their job at work, gave up everything and moved to another country to find a black man, that IMO is ridiculous! …But again that’s their choice, I just hope they don’t come on national tv talking black men still not wanting them in the new country reside in too

I agree, this whole discussion of " I want a black man" has gotten so old and continually harping on it is not a good look for BW.

 

[drasgrl]

ITA w/ you again!

Black women don’t have to do anything, it’s all by choice.

The only problem I have is all the articles, tv shows, radio discussions, messageboards, gossiping at work about the ‘woe is me…nobody wants me…cant find me a black man…black men don’t want us anymore ….I will always be single…black men please come back home…etc etc..etc..etc..etc..etc..etccc

I. AM. JUST. SO. TIRED. OF. IT!!!!!

It's not a good image for us. That's my only rant. The black women who prefer to be single because they choose not to date out and cant find a black man, that’s fine with me, they’re the ones missing out IMO, not me.

I personally know of a few black women who actually moved ( by plane) to another country, all in hopes of finding a black man. Pulled their kids out school, sold their house, gave up their job at work, gave up everything and moved to another country to find a black man, that IMO is ridiculous! …But again that’s their choice, I just hope they don’t come on national tv talking black men still not wanting them in the new country reside in too

Me too. There are good black men out there. I see it every day. My family is filled with them, I am friends with them. Every time I hear a black woman say there are no good black men out there I just want to scream.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm so with you. I wish WE'D stop perpetuating this nonsense.

What if it's an ugly cycle that no one's willing to break so instead we're just going in circles? We air our dirty laundry issues with black men on national tv, they air their interracial relationships and feelings about black women on national tv. Round and round and round we go.

Yep... I co-sign with you and Lebiya!

I mean, I'm not all that old, but I know that I've been hearing this "woe is me, no black men are out there for me," nonsense since the early 90s, when the talk show boom happened... all I saw on TV was bitter black single women confronting black dudes with white women and it was all so staged and annoying and the only ones who came off looking stupid were the black women.

And I KNOW that this was going on way before the 90s, so you'd think that we BW would get a clue that this tactic ain't working.

Seriously, the more we BW harp on it, the more desperate and unwanted we look... and why would any men want women who have to beg them for attention? Please... not a good look for BW at ALL!