Be Careful With Onlive Love.. See what had happened was....

[tatiana]

There is nothing wrong with Online love but just like offline love you got to be careful.
I agree with most if not all of the ladies that have posted.
However I am concerned that you only seemed interested in this guy because you thought he was a doctor. If he is really was a doctor he would have no problem telling you where he went undergrad, where he went medical school and if he was board certified in conversation #1. I mean you talked to him for 3 hours, which is too long, and you didn't find out the basics.

As far as a son to protect more than likely he has a wife or girlfriend already.

Are you sure you are not teasing these men? You mention "makeout session". Who does that in their late twenties? If you are going a certain point with these men and not going all of the way, of course, men are going to be mad. My advise is if you are not trying to have sex, don't talk about it and don't kiss, touch, fondle, or what ever it is you are doing with the guy.

If you were 18, I would cut you some slack but at 28 your "naive" ways are unbecoming.

You need to read "The Rules" and "Why Men Love B*" and if anyone knows a Christian dating book that is good, I recommend you read that too.

 

[Xerxes]

Okay,

Just keep in mind that the same fools you meet on the internet can be the same fools you meet on the street. Only difference is a computer.

Exactly. We are ------>here<------- on that point, that's why my rule 2 is criticial-- vet every person like crazy.

 

[Xerxes]

Hey this guy might be real...a real creep internet or not. Especially screaming like that. A decent guy would have at least agreed to confirm info as well as try and get to know you. I don't like they way things started off IMHO

Yeah, he just wasn't worth getting to know.

 

[Xerxes]

[/B]

Yes that is the meaning of desperation but it can come in many forms,for instance it might be a thought of never finding mister right or perhaps a thought or feeling of being to old to be a virgin.

Your parents seem to be very wise what you might deem to be fear might actually be wisdom.As for my daughter,our lines of communication are fine and has always been very open.She is open to take advice and accept guidance from her parents.

Well good luck with your decision in the future I pray the very best for you. Do you:wink2:

LOL I thought you would say that Onyx! lol

I'm going to make a couple of assumptions about you based upon your previous posts: 1) You aren't a virgin and haven't been one for well over 20 years; 2) You are a well-intentioned parent; and 3) You either don't believe in the lack of marriageable Christian black men or are grossly unaware of it.

For all of these points, you will not be able to empathize with me, so I thank you for the prayers. You as a parent probably don't want to hear my brutal honesty, but any normal woman 18 and older desires to be intimate and there's no need to try to bring in a sense of self-righteous shame. There are other women nearing 30 and even older who have been waiting all of their lives for their DH in order to finally be intimate and start a family and it's a tough road that we alone tread. This Christian lifestyle requires sacrifice and I just don't mind being honest about my temptations because others need to know that they're not alone and hopefully that will give them comfort to hold out that much longer.

 

[Xerxes]

Nice story. Are you a writer?

I used to write short strories and I wish I had more time to spend to write a novel. Thanks for the compliment.

 

[Xerxes]

OP, I hesitate to respond because you seem to be defensive about the situation. I am basing this on your response to some of the other ladies comments. Their comments may sting but they are all telling the truth. There is nothing wrong with internet dating as long as you do it safely. MizzBrown spoke the truth regarding The Rules. You may feel as though you don't need any additional rules but the book is a good read on how to handle yourself in the dating world. A fool can be found anywhere, not just on the internet. I personally would never let someone come to my house (I don't care if he didn't know your apartment number). Just by knowing where you live could lead him to become a stalker. Secondly, riding him around was not an option. You both should have taken separate cars and better yet - you should have met him at an open area such as a restaurant. Manipulative men can sniff out nice girls a mile away. They know the right words to say to make a woman swoon.

BTW, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. It is a prize and I think you should hold it in the highest regards. When the time is right God will give you the person that you are supposed to be with but you must be patient. Your only human so of course those sexual urges will arise - theres nothing wrong with that at all. Also, Onyx made a comment that you sound desperate. Her comment have been blunt but I totally agree with her. You really rushed the situation. The both of you went thru the motions entirely too quick. We live and learn so hopefully next time you will pick up on some of the red flags that losers put out. Also realize that you may meet some more fools before the right one come along. Its best to wise up now than later when a BIGGER loser comes alone and you give your virginity to him.

It may suck to be a virgin (to you) but it hurts more to give you virginity to a man that didn't deserve it. Life Lesson.

LOL@ "a BIGGER loser". I will take your advice to heart, Tasha. And I know that some of the ladies here really like online dating, but I don't need it anymore. I really need to focus on another guy that I've already verified to nurture our relationship. I just met the bad date guy because I wanted to see what dating a radically different kind of guy would be like. I normally date boring marriage-material guys and wanted to be entertained before I decided to really move forward with another guy (the "verified" one).

The bad date was as funny as being with Bernie Mac, Martin Lawrence, and Dave Chappelle all in one night. Everything was comical until he realized I didn't trust him and I'm glad I was able to end it so abruptly so that I can really appreciate my boring man that much more.

And you're right, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, but it's close to torture remaining steadfastly celibate for all of your life.lol It's like being on "Survivor" but no guarantee for a prize/husband. So I take it in stride and I groan about it, but I still haven't given up on waiting for God to provide. Thanks for your kind words.

 

[kayte]

This Christian lifestyle requires sacrifice and I just don't mind being honest about my temptations because others need to know that they're not alone and hopefully that will give them comfort to hold out that much longer.

A Christian lifestyle also does not endorse superficial use of the word rape
in describing your "temptations"
...that bothered me..OP
As does "online love"....

is that what this was....or perhaps online encounter
more appropos?

 

[LivingDoll]

LOL I thought you would say that Onyx! lol

I'm going to make a couple of assumptions about you based upon your previous posts: 1) You aren't a virgin and haven't been one for well over 20 years; 2) You are a well-intentioned parent; and 3) You either don't believe in the lack of marriageable Christian black men or are grossly unaware of it.

For all of these points, you will not be able to empathize with me, so I thank you for the prayers. You as a parent probably don't want to hear my brutal honesty, but any normal woman 18 and older desires to be intimate and there's no need to try to bring in a sense of self-righteous shame. There are other women nearing 30 and even older who have been waiting all of their lives for their DH in order to finally be intimate and start a family and it's a tough road that we alone tread. This Christian lifestyle requires sacrifice and I just don't mind being honest about my temptations because others need to know that they're not alone and hopefully that will give them comfort to hold out that much longer.

Very good posting. Your point is very valid.

 

[Xerxes]

I actually sensed that the OP did have some sense earlier on and didn't listen to her instincts. It seems like, by their replies, some of the other ladies sensed that too. Women's intuition is real and almost always guides us in the right direction...if we let it.

OP, I found it interesting that you say that you and this guy broke up. Would you consider what you and him had to be dating or a relationship?

I used the term "broke up" because the bad date started calling the two of us a "we" and saying that "we are exclusive now" before I got him to get out of my car. I always knew he wasn't a keeper, but hate to argue with a person face to face and had to figure out how to get rid of him. Talking to family and friends helped me expedite the matter because I was just hoping to stop answering his calls and pray he went away quietly, they convinced me to be more aggressive. So I nodded and let him make plans for "us", then "broke up" with him soon after (about 36 hours later). Hope that helps.

 

[Xerxes]

Please do not EVER do this again!!! Not that he is a total liar and murderer, but he is not for you at all!!! Being a virgin at 28 is a wonderful accomplishment and for him to make fun of that means he is NOT FOR YOU!!!

There is nothing wrong with internet dating but you need to be FAR MORE CAREFUL. When I was on-line dating, I would only meet for weekday lunch dates/dinner and in a very public place with an escape plan - had to go back to work (lunch) or get up early for work (dinner). I would also never agree to give out my number during an initial chat. It usually took a couple weeks to get details on the guy & of course check out those details by any available means (usually google).

He is moving too fast for a man that you just met and I think his only plan is to try to be your first. He does not deserve that honor.

Red flags:

1-- He asked me to stop at an atm right after telling me how much he earns each year and how many accounts he has in so many banks;

he was an hour late and did not stop at an ATM in advance?

2-- He made fun of fellow diners at the restaurant we dined in loud enough for them to overhear;

No home training

3-- He made plans for a Valentine's night hotel stay and/ or pretended to order concert tickets on his cellphone;

Already trying to have sex with you, assuming he really did book a hotel & buy concert tickets

4-- under his directions, he had me drive us to a parking garage, where we talked in the car for 1.5 hours instead of going to a normal safer place like Starbuck's and

Cheap jerk who could not even go to some place for dessert to talk

5-- He curses just as much as Samuel Jackson.

Well, this is not as bad since I have a foul mouth sometimes too.


I actually did go out to dinner with a doctor, OB/GYN, that I met on-line. He too wanted to move things VERY FAST and invited me to some ski trip right after our first date. I did not agree to go.

He turned out to be a complete jerk and never called again after I refused to have sex with him after only 3 dates. Many men admittedly are on-line dating just for sex. Be careful.


Maybe I'm just paranoid? It took me weeks of dating to even kiss DH. I don't think I have ever kissed on a first date. DH and I met at work though, not on-line.

You're right and as I get older, I notice that men bring up sex so much earlier now than ever before. Sex is almost treated like a handshake now or a kiss. <shrug>

 

[Xerxes]

Dude is creepy. I started hearing the Twilight Zone theme song as I progressed through the OP's posts. So many red flags!

lmao@hearing the "Twilight Zone" theme song

 

[Xerxes]

Okay, either he is married or just a liar & trying to get some. No man wants to settle down with a woman he met online last week & went on one date with thus far. He is just telling you that crap because he thinks that is what women want to hear.

As for not wanting to give details to protect his son, he was not worried about his son when he let you hear all the details of their night time ritual. I'm sure many other woman asked him for details - he just didn't provide them and moved on to the next woman.

Many men lie on-line about being on pro teams. I have no idea why they don't realize it's easily verifiable? Another on-line guy told me that crap but when I asked him for ID at starbucks he looked like a darn fool. He lied about his name!!!

BE CAREFUL!!!

What do you mean that you broke up? You went on one date? Do you think that made him your boyfriend? You are 28, right? You know that one date does not mean that is your man?

Like I told another poster, the bad date claimed that "we [were] exclusive" and so in his demented mind we were a couple, therefore I "broke up" with him. In my mind, he was just a thrill/life lesson date that does not need to be repeated.

 

[Bunny77]

LOL I thought you would say that Onyx! lol

I'm going to make a couple of assumptions about you based upon your previous posts: 1) You aren't a virgin and haven't been one for well over 20 years; 2) You are a well-intentioned parent; and 3) You either don't believe in the lack of marriageable Christian black men or are grossly unaware of it.

For all of these points, you will not be able to empathize with me, so I thank you for the prayers. You as a parent probably don't want to hear my brutal honesty, but any normal woman 18 and older desires to be intimate and there's no need to try to bring in a sense of self-righteous shame. There are other women nearing 30 and even older who have been waiting all of their lives for their DH in order to finally be intimate and start a family and it's a tough road that we alone tread. This Christian lifestyle requires sacrifice and I just don't mind being honest about my temptations because others need to know that they're not alone and hopefully that will give them comfort to hold out that much longer.

Here are my thoughts.

You have every right to desire marriage and it is high time that it happened for you. You shouldn't have had to hold out this long, as you are indeed at an age in which marriage should be in the cards for you.

I am glad that you attempted to be proactive and I think you should go back online, in addition to trying to meet men in real life. At your age (and mine too), simply hoping that it will happen and doing nothing is not in your best interest, and you seem to recognize that.

All that being said, I see what the ladies are saying. Your dating skills need to be sharpened and if waiting for marriage is very important to you, you need to ONLY date "boring" marriage-minded men. Going on the types of dates you did just for "entertainment" could get you hurt or worse... this stuff is too serious to play around with, seriously.

I am doing online dating, and I probably average about 1 date for every 10 men who contact me. Since my goal is to date for the purpose of marriage, I don't need to be wasting time on those men that I know are terrible matches... it's not about quantity, it's about quality.

I think Kayte's posts have been dead on. You are sending mixed messages to yourself it seems... if you want to date for fun, then by all means do so, but STAY SAFE and don't make foolish decisions. But if maintaining virginity until marriage is very important to you and you're tired of being a virgin at 28 (which is VERY understandable), then stop dating dudes who aren't marriage material and focus on getting married so this wait won't have been in vain.

To me, I would think it was a waste if I waited 28 years and then I lost it to some big dummy I had no business even thinking about, ya know? By putting yourself in these compromising situations with your hormones raging, you are setting yourself up for regret (at the least) and serious danger (at the worst).

 

[Bunny77]

In my mind, he was just a thrill/life lesson date that does not need to be repeated.

Cool. This is good.

 

[natural2008]

but he nearly worked my last nerve when he showed up an hour late for the date in a company pick up truck with a huge air conditioning unit piled on top.

girl when I read the above I craked up. Seriously please be careful.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Throughout the night, my date would gaze deeply into my eyes, then my cleavage and rub his knees against my leg under the table. If I hadn't been saved, I could have raped him in my car, no lie. But because of Jesus, I silently repented and acted like I didn't notice a thing. So after getting me to agree to his Valentine's day plans ( I was lying, but hate to hear "baby, please"), we ended the date with a kiss and an embrace. There was no tongue involved, but he held himself up against me and my body responded instantaneously. When he pulled away from me and told me to call him when I got back into my apartment safely, I couldn't stop smelling his scent-- a mixture of cologne and his unique smell.
.

And he asked you if you were experienced? De debil!!! RUN!!! One thing I'll tell y'all that my good friend was told by a relative of hers after her divorce, that men can tell when a woman hasn't had sex (or not in a long time). He was giving her advice and support to protect her. Dang. I was shocked when she told me. It's not like it's women who are wearing their cooters on their upper lip in hopes a man jumps right on in...it's any woman. That's fierce...and I think it puts them even stronger on the prowl.

 

[Xerxes]

You do have to be careful about letting someone know where you live. On a second date with someone from the internet, he picked me up at home. Sometime after the second date, he called me one night and told me that he left something for me at my door. I opened the door and there were flowers but it didn't impress me. It freaked me out - to think that this guy had been to my apartment while I was inside!

Yes, we must be careful!

Ok, that just freaked me out. I am glad you're ok and you should tell the next guy about 1-800flowers.

 

[MizzBrown]

And he asked you if you were experienced? De debil!!! RUN!!! One thing I'll tell y'all that my good friend was told by a relative of hers after her divorce, that men can tell when a woman hasn't had sex (or not in a long time). He was giving her advice and support to protect her. Dang. I was shocked when she told me. It's not like it's women who are wearing their cooters on their upper lip in hopes a man jumps right on in...it's any woman. That's fierce...and I think it puts them even stronger on the prowl.

YES they can! Its really weird.

And they can pick up on whether you still have your V-card or not too.

 

[DragonPearl]

LOL I thought you would say that Onyx! lol

I'm going to make a couple of assumptions about you based upon your previous posts: 1) You aren't a virgin and haven't been one for well over 20 years; 2) You are a well-intentioned parent; and 3) You either don't believe in the lack of marriageable Christian black men or are grossly unaware of it.

For all of these points, you will not be able to empathize with me, so I thank you for the prayers. You as a parent probably don't want to hear my brutal honesty, but any normal woman 18 and older desires to be intimate and there's no need to try to bring in a sense of self-righteous shame. There are other women nearing 30 and even older who have been waiting all of their lives for their DH in order to finally be intimate and start a family and it's a tough road that we alone tread. This Christian lifestyle requires sacrifice and I just don't mind being honest about my temptations because others need to know that they're not alone and hopefully that will give them comfort to hold out that much longer.

Your entire post was enlightening to read, and I am sorry about the bolded. I would suspect that the lack of marriageable Christian Black men is a tremendously frustrating hurdle for single Christian Black women. Do you feel you have to date non "saved" Black men? Spiritual compatibility is extremely important, and for me it is even more important that racial compatibility. If I considered myself Christian and "saved" I don't think I would be able to date men who did not also share my outlook on life and if there was a lack of such men in my racial pool, I would have to go outside of that racial pool and look at the LARGER body of "saved" Christianity.

 

[Xerxes]

What? This fool was running major game. He would have been kicked out at the next red light.

Also, you did the right thing letting that go. I'm glad you are safe and that he didn't harm you. And, don't worry about why your body responded to him...that doesn't indicated anything necessarily good about him. It's just physical attraction. Physical attraction happens between people that are wrong for each other everyday. It's normal.

Thanks, Smuckie, I just thought my body would have listened to what my brain was telling it, but you are so right. All we had was physical attraction, nothing more, nothing less.

 

[Xerxes]

Good for you, Xerxes! I'm happy you didnt go along with the games he was trying to play because he sounds like he's fooled many a woman before. Liars are the worst and Im glad you know you deserve better before he lied your pants off!

LMAO@"lied your pants off"

Thanks, NYAmicas!

 

[Country gal]

You have to be careful with any dating. Never meet a new guy at your place of residence. He can easily find out your apartment number now that he has knows your complex.

Meet him in a neutral place and be careful giving him personal info.

 

[Xerxes]

you gave your phone number right away..ouch!!!!
got into a car with him...he didn't have you go to a parking lot..
..you drove there! and stayed there!

Didn't you feel you were lovely and amazing enough to go to another
place like a cafe or lounge...
that's what dates do..if you are having a great time ...
go somewhere else..nice..to talk....
but ...in a garage????? ;(

you volunteered intimate private detail about your sexual status
on the first date..... what kind of message is that
ouch ouch ouch


whoa girl...reality check....
we? & what break-up?

do you see where I'm goin with this

OP ..inventory your own stuff or it'll happen again
and since you've banned internet dating
you won't have it to blame....

Hmm, I'll try to answer this succinctly, he was a thrill date that I did on a whim to break up the monotony of the kind of men I normally date. He was the funniest man I ever met, but couldn't trust him. I made some mistakes and I handled the situation quickly. I knew from the moment he called late that he wasn't a keeper and he was the one that considered us to be a couple so quickly that's why I used the phrase "broke up with him";he was and remains nothing to me.

 

[Xerxes]

You and I are *here*. Same age and everything. I'm really good at saying "no." But the one time I kind of implied "yes" I almost lost control. You shouldn't be in a secluded place with a stranger period. But even with someone you trust, don't put yourself in a situation where it might be hard to say "no."

You're right, I never should have been alone with him and I pray that you remain resolute on your quest to love/DH/starting a family and anything else you desire.

 

[DragonPearl]

Hmm, I'll try to answer this succinctly, he was a thrill date that I did on a whim to break up the monotony of the kind of men I normally date. He was the funniest man I ever met, but couldn't trust him. I made some mistakes and I handled the situation quickly. I knew from the moment he called late that he wasn't a keeper and he was the one that considered us to be a couple so quickly that's why I used the phrase "broke up with him";he was and remains nothing to me.

What you said here jumped at me. Are the kind of men you normally date Christian men and do you find them boring? Sometimes, the allure of dangerous men and bad boys clouds our judgement and makes up unappreciative of good stable trustworthy reliable men. Goodness is not considered sexy, but for our own sake, we have to learn to find goodness attractive. Please make sure you're not bypassing good men because something in you is yearning for thrills.

 

[Xerxes]

All of this happened in the span of a week??!! Wow. I don't know where to start. Well, I'm glad to see that you opened up your eyes about him, so with that I will not even attempt reiterate to you his short-comings. But I just want to point out my observations about what YOU did that I pray you heed and learn from. My top three observations were:

1) YOU were driving and you just went wherever he directed you to go? You even mentioned yourself that you two talked for over an hour away from normal SAFE places.

2) You were boasting to your family "the good news" about a man you just met the other day and knew absolutely nothing about.

3) You "broke up" with him after one date and several phone calls? How can you break up with someone you obviously are not in a relationship with?

I hope I am not coming across as mean-spirited or hateful because that is not my intent. You mention several times that you are a virgin and that you feel you are too old to be one. Sounds like you made a lot of bad decisions due to your desperation to "give it up" or be in a relationship. Or the bad decisions could be from lack of experience (which your date sensed right away) due to the fact of never being in a serious relationship (or so I am assuming). Either way, just remember that things always happen when they are supposed to happen, and not necessarily when we want them to.

I hope what I will paste below will answer your questions:

I just met the bad date guy because I wanted to see what dating a radically different kind of guy would be like. I normally date boring marriage-material guys and wanted to be entertained before I decided to really move forward with another guy (the "verified" one).

The bad date was as funny as being with Bernie Mac, Martin Lawrence, and Dave Chappelle all in one night. Everything was comical until he realized I didn't trust him and I'm glad I was able to end it so abruptly so that I can really appreciate my boring man that much more.

And you're right, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, but it's close to torture remaining steadfastly celibate for all of your life.lol It's like being on "Survivor" but no guarantee for a prize/husband. So I take it in stride and I groan about it, but I still haven't given up on waiting for God to provide.


I used the term "broke up" because the bad date started calling the two of us a "we" and saying that "we are exclusive now" before I got him to get out of my car. I always knew he wasn't a keeper, but hate to argue with a person face to face and had to figure out how to get rid of him. Talking to family and friends helped me expedite the matter because I was just hoping to stop answering his calls and pray he went away quietly, they convinced me to be more aggressive. So I nodded and let him make plans for "us", then "broke up" with him soon after (about 36 hours later). Hope that helps.

 

[Xerxes]

There is nothing wrong with Online love but just like offline love you got to be careful.
I agree with most if not all of the ladies that have posted.
However I am concerned that you only seemed interested in this guy because you thought he was a doctor. If he is really was a doctor he would have no problem telling you where he went undergrad, where he went medical school and if he was board certified in conversation #1. I mean you talked to him for 3 hours, which is too long, and you didn't find out the basics.

As far as a son to protect more than likely he has a wife or girlfriend already.

Are you sure you are not teasing these men? You mention "makeout session". Who does that in their late twenties? If you are going a certain point with these men and not going all of the way, of course, men are going to be mad. My advise is if you are not trying to have sex, don't talk about it and don't kiss, touch, fondle, or what ever it is you are doing with the guy.

If you were 18, I would cut you some slack but at 28 your "naive" ways are unbecoming.

You need to read "The Rules" and "Why Men Love B*" and if anyone knows a Christian dating book that is good, I recommend you read that too.

I hate to say reread my post, but you might have to. lol

The "doctor" was not the man I dated, I am not teasing anyone and the "makeout" remark was me being facetious.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

It sounds like everything that went wrong in terms of your experience with online dating was more because of your errors rather than this guy's. He was showing you his true colors from Day 1.

Be more careful and cautious next time.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Most women meet the men who will eventually chop them up and put them in a box in the "normal" places: work, school, supermarket, coffee house.

The web is not to blame, but your own behavior.

 

[hopeful]

I think she's got it, she's taking full responsibility, she was thrill-seeking and now she's moving on. Afterall, her thread title began with "Be Careful...". Thanks for the cautionary tale. And I get what people are saying that it was her decisions, not the internet, I think she owns that, but she also isn't the only one to swear off online dating, many people have had bad experiences with dating on the internet.