Are You Against Shotgun Weddings?

[aribell]

Loves largest element is responsibility.

This ties into the whole question of only marrying "for love". So many people go through life looking for love and can't keep whatever it is they find. Maybe not focusing on the ooey gooey feelings of it would ultimately bring people what they seek.

Sent from my LS670 using LS670

 

[UmSumayyah]

This thread is starting to merge with all of the others on this topic, so I'll spare repeating what I have said over and over again already.

In response to a couple of people that quoted me...again, feel free to pat yourself on the back for effectively using birth control and condoms, but stop acting like your husband is the only person you ever spread your legs to.

For some people he is, however that is not the point. I suppose some people should feel entitled to pat themselves on the back for effective use of birth control. Apparently lots of people find it difficult.

 

[qchelle]

I wonder how many more marriage-related threads are going to pop up on LHCF in the next few weeks. I feel like it's that time again

 

[barbiesocialite]

They were manipulative women you forced a man to marry them. I call that a Quain.

LOL. ok.

 

[NOEChic]

Loves largest element is responsibility.

there is a difference between i love you and i want to do what is best for you, then i am just doing what i am responsible for. If you love someone you will go out of your way and do things for them that you are responsible for (bringing home the check, cooking a nutritious meal, nice (not expensive) clothing, etc) if it is just responsibilty, yeah I will bring home my check, but it might be short and you better make it work, food yeah mcdonalds, bk everyday and you better wear them 3 year old clothes, that don't fit and have wholes in them.

 

[Arcadian]

Romantic love is not what keeps marriages together. That is a western notion that somehow, never worked.

-A

 

[Tiye]

Shotgun wedding = parents, relatives, or other community members force a couple to get married usually because the woman is pregnant. In the old days the shotgun was often real, these days it's more likely to be pressure, and emotional entrapment than an actual gun. Either way the idea is ridiculously old fashioned and won't make anyone's life easier, or better. If the man and woman don't want to be together - then forcing a marriage won't make their child happier, smarter, or in any way better off. In fact children who grow up in bad marriages are worse off. I'm not for that. It doesn't make sense.

Now of the man and woman are already in a committed relationship, and plan to get married and at some point in the future, but never really set a date, and then an unexpected pregnancy compels them to go ahead do what they wanted to anyway, do just a little earlier then that's no problem. But it's also not a shot gun wedding.

 

[UmSumayyah]

What does that have to do with a shot gun wedding?

Personal issues.

 

[Mortons]

there is a difference between i love you and i want to do what is best for you, then i am just doing what i am responsible for. If you love someone you will go out of your way and do things for them that you are responsible for (bringing home the check, cooking a nutritious meal, nice (not expensive) clothing, etc) if it is just responsibilty, yeah I will bring home my check, but it might be short and you better make it work, food yeah mcdonalds, bk everyday and you better wear them 3 year old clothes, that don't fit and have wholes in them.

My responsibility towards others shows/proves my love, not the other way around. If I feel that a person is my responsibility, I want the best for them, and I am gonna try my damnedest to help them get the best. What you are describing is not responsibility, but indifference.

 

[CarmelCupcake]

I believe in shotgun marriages. However, I also believe that if you know that you do not want to be with a person, having unprotected sex with them is one of the worst things you can do.

 

[danniegirl]

I believe in shotgun marriages. However, I also believe that if you know that you do not want to be with a person, having unprotected sex with them is one of the worst things you can do.

So after you have committed one of the worst things you can do Marriage is next plausible step

 

[aribell]

I think the child part changes the equation.

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[NYAmicas]

I have nothing against them.

 

[deltadreamland]

My parents were married for 20+ years and I remember it being very tumultuous at times. I can't say I ever recall feeling like they were really all that happy together. Their personalities are so different, I honestly don't know how they lasted as long as they did. My father was also a bit abusive towards me, something that not a lot of people know.

That being said, I get why people are so adamant about 2 parent households, but I just don't think it guarantees anything. My father essentially acted like he didn't have children years after he and my mom divorced, and even though we've kind of reconciled, our relationship will never be what it should have been. Some of the best, most hands-on, do anything and everything for their children fathers I know were never even in real relationships with the mothers. And yes, I get that they are probably the exception and not the rule. I just say all of this to say that one size does not fit all, IMO. Being married and raising your children together is great, but I think what's more important is the type of relationship the parents have with each other and the one they have with the kids.

The bolded-I totally agree! When I was in my 20's and single with no children, I used to have visions of a near perfect marriage and a two parent loving household for my children dancing around in my head...then reality and life reared its head.
I'm not saying that near perfect marriages and two parent households cannot coexist forever; however, it is so not the end of the world for some of us single parents if that "dream" does not come to reality.

Earlier someone alluded to the embarrassment that comes along with being a single parent. Maybe I'm missing something with that one because I am a single parent and I do not have an embarrassing bone in my whole body.

 

[JayAnn0513]

Earlier someone alluded to the embarrassment that comes along with being a single parent. Maybe I'm missing something with that one because I am a single parent and I do not have an embarrassing bone in my whole body.

In my family and social circle it would be terribly embarrassing. We don't have any children born oow in my immediate family. I would be so ashamed to be the 1 to ruin that.

 

[Jasmataz]

I don't have a problem with them as long as the ones who are getting married are fine with it.

 

[deltadreamland]

In my family and social circle it would be terribly embarrassing. We don't have any children born oow in my immediate family. I would be so ashamed to be the 1 to ruin that.

Having a child OOW is not the only route to becoming a single parent. People die and get divorces..forcing them into automatic single parenthood. And I don't think people should be judged and/or made to feel embarrassed when placed in this position. On the flip side, having a child OOW does not always result in single parenthood. You have some people that have children together, live together, and never get married.

 

[PretteePlease]

I wish I had one then a divorce

 

[Mortons]

In my family and social circle it would be terribly embarrassing. We don't have any children born oow in my immediate family. I would be so ashamed to be the 1 to ruin that.

Just realized I am the first person to reach age 24 with no pregnancy in my family. No wonder they think I'm gonna be a spinster

 

[JayAnn0513]

Having a child OOW is not the only route to becoming a single parent. People die and get divorces..forcing them into automatic single parenthood. And I don't think people should be judged and/or made to feel embarrassed when placed in this position. On the flip side, having a child OOW does not always result in single parenthood. You have some people that have children together, live together, and never get married.

It's not the single parenthood as a result of things that are out of your control that would be the issue. It's the oow part that would be the problem. I would have been expected to handle it without publicly embarrassing my family.

 

[aribell]

Earlier someone alluded to the embarrassment that comes along with being a single parent. Maybe I'm missing something with that one because I am a single parent and I do not have an embarrassing bone in my whole body.

As mentioned above, in many circles it depends on the circumstances. I don't think it's "single parenthood" so much as being perceived to be "knocked up".

I was just telling a friend that if I were pregnant OOW I would have to tell my parents that I was going to Europe for say, oh 9 months, and that I'd be back next year. It's not that they'd disown me necessarily, but my mother would be incredibly, incredibly hurt and my father would be completely ashamed of me. Other friends would forgive me, but it would definitely change their regard for me. Society is changing, but many people still hold to traditional values.

 

[FemmeFatale]

For what it's worth I'm glad I'm not one of those women that are damn near delusional when it comes to love and marriage..I would not overlook a good man that wants to takes care of me (actions) over some imaginary notion of "being in love" aka infatuation and being d*ckmatized ..Screw that, I need PROOF, I need receipts..those receipts would make me swoon, not my imagination. I mean come on, what is love? Men show their love through action, I thought we all knew this by now.

When I hear the comment "I want him to marry me because he loves me not because we're having a baby" I cringe. Disney has f*d some of us up big time .

 

[lilsparkle825]

Slight chance sure. And I get the point that nothing except abstinence is foolproof, but all these oops babies arent the result of BC gone wrong. Thats my only point

I have noticed a great deal of my friends/acquaintances who got pregnant OOW going back on that whole "the condom broke/IDK what happened, I always took my pill/it must have not worked" story they spewed when they first got pregnant once their kid hit about 3-4 years old. All of a sudden, it became "I think I forgot my pill that day/I wasn't taking the pill consistently/I got my Depo late that month/he took the condom off halfway through."

Just realized I am the first person to reach age 24 with no pregnancy in my family. No wonder they think I'm gonna be a spinster

Okay?? In my generation, I definitely am. AND I finished college? Right after high school....and in only 4 years??? Pshhh.

 

[FemmeFatale]

So this is actually a prime example of the conversation we had the other day about values and marriage. If you were in a loving relationship and wound up pregnant and your boyfriend proposed because he values family, marriage and has a vision for us..why would you say no??

I'd love an answer to this question because I'm trying to understand the rationale behind the "he's only wants to marry me because I'm pregnant" stance..cause when a man steps up to the plate to handle his business, that IS love.

 

[UmSumayyah]

They were manipulative women you forced a man to marry them. I call that a Quain.

Nope. Quains are most often unmarried, and if married they are married to the openly trifling.

Manipulative, even devious certainly describes the women in Barbie's post. Sometimes manipulative, devious people are #winning. It is what it is.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Nope. Quains are most often unmarried, and if married they are married to the openly trifling.

Manipulative, even devious certainly describes the women in Barbie's post. Sometimes manipulative, devious people are #winning. It is what it is.

Agreed. I wasn't even trying to imply that the purpose of obtaining a husband was the women's original intent when they got pregnant. I've never heard any of the listed people say such. It was moreso pointing out a fact that none of them were married or engaged prior to being pregnant/having the baby. The women are fairly traditional and the men are/were stand-up men that take responsibility so naturally getting married for both parties wasn't optional, it was mandatory.

Furthermore, most of the people I know are still married (even my own separated parents) so divorce isn't something that is acceptable. Once you have a kid with someone, you know THAT'S IT. You are stuck with that person forever. With thte exception of my uncle who has been married 3 times, ALL of the people I know have the same married bio parents regardless of when they were born (in or out of wedlock). That's why I've always known to be very careful who I reproduce with and can't fathom an accidental pregnancy because I refuse to be a single-parent (I'd give my kids to their father before I did something crazy like that) and do not want to be stuck with the wrong man.....

ETA: Men aren't stupid. They can see through bs. They know if a woman loves them, I doubt these couples would still be together if the woman was insincere or devious in intent.

 

[barbiesocialite]

One last reason I'm all in support for shot gun weddings is that personally I think I'd resent having a baby with someone that wasn't or wasnt about to become my husband. In all honesty, I really wouldnt want or like the kid and could see myself holding a grudge against the father and the child.....

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

@SelahOco
I used to be one of those people---that is until I spent time on the other side of the fence. I'm glad my parents were married as long as they were and I didnt grow up like my brothers without my dad in my home for most of my life. TBH, I think I'd have a whole lot more bad experiences with men, emotional baggage and a problem with selecting men had they not tried to make it work. Fathers, no matter how imperfect, are needed in the household for a reason. After age and experience, I find this to be 100% true. I've said this before, there is a lesser of the two evils. I'd take bickering arguing parents over a single mother any day. I don't like what either one of my parents turned into as individuals, I say that while at the same time admitting they were good parents that did their best. I'm never doing to my children what my parents did to me and my brothers, NO WAY.

You dad had an outside family on you and your mom? And your glad you werent left behind like them?

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

Just realized I am the first person to reach age 24 with no pregnancy in my family. No wonder they think I'm gonna be a spinster

Dont take this the wrong way, but your also into women so its quite possible and believeable and normal considering the circumstances....

 

[JayAnn0513]

You dad had an outside family on you and your mom? And your glad you werent left behind like them?

I think she was referring to her younger brothers that were minors when her parents separated, while she was an adult.