Are You Against Shotgun Weddings?

[kandake]

So i don't believe its un-productive for either parties to continue the thoughtless and or selfish behavior that lead them to their current situation

This is exactly how I feel.

But, I'm sure others feel that it's also selfish to NOT get married.

 

[Browndilocks]

I guess if I had to really decide, I'm against shotgun weddings. No real reason other than the actual root of the phrase. SHOTGUN, as in someone is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to do something that you otherwise wouldn't do. Who truly wants that? Not me.

 

[Arcadian]

Why abort or give up your own legacy because of someone you dont wont to marry?

Isn't it true its not just your legacy but his as well?

Here's what I don't get; women having kids with men that they can't "stand". Women don't get pregnant by themselves, and therefore share that legacy with someone else.

Obviously, I wish more women (AND MEN!!) would put more thought and care into who they have children with but thats another thread.

However, thats not to say I'm against single parenthood, I'm not. There are some extenuating cases where thats the best for the child, but, for most, a 2 parent household is the most stable base.

-A

 

[qchelle]

Why abort or give up your own legacy because of someone you dont wont to marry?

Why carry on a legacy with someone you don't even like enough to marry?

 

[yardyspice]

When it comes to a creating family, there are two paths: one that's well thought out and executed like a military operation and the one that's not. It doesn't matter which path you went down because at the end of it there is a child involved and that child's needs are more important than the parent's wish to have chosen a different path.

Every decision should be made responsible and out of love and respect for all parties involved and most importantly by responsible adults. One should not hold more weight then the other and one decision should not be the results of the other.

So i am very much so against shotgun weddings planing to spend the rest of your life with someone should be a well thought out plan, It must involve love, thoughtfulness, honor, respect, communication, trust and faith and so should having a child. However it doesn't take much thought at all when one lays down to have sex and the reality is even when they decide to partake in risky sexual behavior is mostly short and not well thought out at all.

So i don't believe its productive for either parties to continue the thoughtless and or selfish behavior that lead them to their current situation I think that's the time when all parties involved need to sit down and really plan the rest of their life and not rush, run or be dragged, forced or held hostage to commit even more selfish and thoughtless acts.

 

[aribell]

A two parent home is more important than the feelings of the parents as long as there isn't abuse, addiction, or chronic cheating.

I agree with this. I went to school with the same people from Kindergarten through 8th grade and some through HS. Most parents were married, lots of SAHM, room moms, dads as soccer coaches, etc. Well now that we're all grown, there are a lot of divorces by parents who seemingly were waiting for their kids to grow up. It was undoubtedly better that they did because two people don't have to be in love with one another to provide a good home, and most of my peers had good homes and stable, loving upbringings. Dealing with divorce then would have been much harder all around.

I did think though, if you're gonna bide your time for 5-10 more years till the kids are gone, might as well try to work the marriage out in the meantime.

Sent from my LS670 using LS670

 

[Mortons]

Why abort or give up your own legacy because of someone you dont wont to marry?

Use one of your other hundreds of thousands of eggs to reproduce with someone you can actually see yourself sharing a proper legacy with.

 

[Zaynab]

The reason that it was "the right thing" back then is because women were not able to effectively work, own property and support themselves. That is not the case today. I am certainly not anti-marriage, but I don't agree that marrying is always "the right thing." The fighting and arguing between people who don't really want to be married is not healthy for any child. A peaceful home is best for a child, whether that is a peaceful 2-parent home or a peaceful single parent home.

I am only 20-something and I already know several couples under age 30 who have gotten married and divorced within only a few years...and all of them were shotgun marriages.

The funny thing is with this shift in more opportunties, education and career women are now taking on the male role by being the mommy and daddy, women are now almost expected to be independent--and men continue to step back. Until we start demanding they step up I think we're going to see this cycle continue. The whole shift in dynamics is so interesting to me. It starts with one aspect and then throws off another.

 

[Mis007]

I thank the Lord almighty that I didn't rush into an marriage and that my parents did not rush me into one. My son's dad and I are very capable co-parents and I was able to focus on my goals and dreams instead of a marriage with someone who I was not compatible with.

To those who keep saying in multiple threads that they don't understand how someone can have a baby and not be ready for marriage....I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to understand the basic concept that most people have had sex with someone that they don't or may not want to be married to and that sex may have led to a baby. Unless every person posting that they "don't understand" has had sex only with her husband or is celibate, I don't see how you can't grasp this concept. It is very good that you effectively used birth control or condoms, but count yourself blessed, lucky, or whatever. You, too, could have gotten pregnant by someone other than your current spouse.

Back on topic, I think if both people want to be married, it's good to try, but, in general, I am against shotgun marriages.

I hear what your saying but to a degree, women need to not sleep with men that they can not talk to about the future and children. Of course we all slip but the majority of these instances where the father walks away, the woman turned a blind eye to the way he treated their relationship and past relationships.

I'm not against shotgun weddings, but understand You can't force relationships !!!

 

[aribell]

There are still plenty of people who understand abortion to be the taking of a life. So in that respect, single parenthood would be the lesser of the two evils.

I'm glad I've never had to deal with this situation, but at the same time everyone makes their own choices and has to accept the outcome of whatever risk they took. Some people gamble and get away with it, others gamble and get caught, but the fact that others didn't get caught (i.e. pregnant oow) doesn't change what is best for the child in the circumstances.

 

[caltron]

I don't even know where to begin with this because I disagree with the concept of a shotgun wedding on so many levels.

I shudder to think what would happen to institution of marriage if every single couple out there these days who conceived a child got married. I can not see any good coming out of seeing the folks on Maury and Jerry Springer getting married. Total trainwreck. I don't think it's surprising that the divorce rate is going down as women are finding it more acceptable to have children out of wedlock.

While I do have deep respect for the institution of marriage, I think folks are giving more significance and power to marriage than it deserves. Children do better in stable two parent homes not because of the marriage certificate, but because parents in those arrangements are usually people who are stable, have common sense, and are willing and able to do whatever it takes to do the right thing for their kids.

It's a myth that kids of divorce are doomed to suffer. If the parents are able to put aside the childishness, bitterness and other negative emotions for the best interest of the children, then there is no reason why those children will be damaged by a divorce. The same goes for single parents raising a child apart, as well as for the parents who have no choice but to raise a child on their own.

Marital status IMO is *never* a proxy for good parenting. It's also not a proxy for love, respect, and all of the positives that we associate with marriage. If a marriage is not built on a solid foundation of love, respect, trust, mutual admiration, etc., then it's not worth the paper it's written on.

I think it is better for a child to be raised by a single parent or parents who are loving, mature, and effective than by a two married fools who don't have a clue.

 

[DearJohn]

There's a belief that children fare worse in a home where the parents aren't happy but that's a myth. Here's the study below:

I still think parents who are having a rough relationship and can't make it work should be apart rather than stay foe the sake of the child. Did this study look into the state of families where problems still persists to see if the children of the "make it work" are better off than those of divorce parents.

I know a young girl whose parents have stayed together for her sake because of her birth defect. While the parents have never been physical towards each, she says the arguments have gotten worst. I witnessed a couple of explosive arguments between them and I felt so uncomfortable that I had to to leave or stay upstairs in her bedroom until it ended if they were by the stairs. This girl has developed some serious issues as a result of the bickering. Now she has taken to tuning them out. Her father cheats take their money and goes do whatever and her mom is on a 101 antidepressant and anxiety medications of all because of the crappy marriage they stayed in for 25 yrs.

A a child of divorced parents, while my parents separated before I was old enough to have memories of the 2 of them I hear stories from my siblings that make me go thank god they divorced because my mother was miserable. I remember visiting my mother in this country at the age of 3 for 2 months. I flew in with my father and he would come back and visit on weekends whenever he was int he country. I picked up the tension between my parents. They were not screaming or even having serious talk in front of me but I felt the chill in their words and demeanor. I did not know what it meant and like most kids went on minding my own but it was there. Same as whenever mom would visit our country she would have stay with them in their room her entire visit and again I picked up the tension.

It is a mistake to think kids don't sense these things but they do, and if things are not fixed as they grow older it gets worst. If you cna't work it out for the sake of your kids get out. What makes post divorce issues in children are the parents anymosity towards each other. Children of amicable divorce function much better. Unfortunately most parents keep slinging mud at each other afterwards. My father slung mud at mother still does that our relationship with him have a lot of up and downs. Had my mother done that I think we would have been really messed up. But her I will not bad mouth my ex out of respect for my children has helped keep our relationship with our father from going to the dogs.

Shotgun weddings are fine if it acted as an accelerator to what was going to be, as oppose to I was never planning on marrying you but I got pregnant so lets get married even though we are it is a mistake. This fails every time and those children become the stat you showed because the parents are more likely to dog each other afterward. I have seen this happen within my own family.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I know a lot of women who snagged good husbands this way. Got pregnant and the guy did the right thing and married them. I also know women who did this and the marriage did not work and are now single moms. I have no problem with shotgun wedding because if I got pregnant out of wedlock I would hurry up and get married so my child can be born in wedlock and to save myself the embarrassment.

 

[Mortons]

Folk are acting on the assumption that a good majority of women would not jump at the chance to get married and "do it right" if it was an option on the table for them. I don't believe that for a second.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I hear what your saying but to a degree, women need to not sleep with men that they can not talk to about the future and children. Of course we all slip but the majority of these instances where the father walks away, the woman turned a blind eye to the way he treated their relationship and past relationships.

I'm not against shotgun weddings, but understand You can't force relationships !!!

Yea see I don't get that.

I don't understand unmarried folks having "accidental" babies either.....

 

[DearJohn]

I don't even know where to begin with this because I disagree with the concept of a shotgun wedding on so many levels.

I shudder to think what would happen to institution of marriage if every single couple out there these days who conceived a child got married. I can not see any good coming out of seeing the folks on Maury and Jerry Springer getting married. Total trainwreck. I don't think it's surprising that the divorce rate is going down as women are finding it more acceptable to have children out of wedlock.

While I do have deep respect for the institution of marriage, I think folks are giving more significance and power to marriage than it deserves. Children do better in stable two parent homes not because of the marriage certificate, but because parents in those arrangements are usually people who are stable, have common sense, and are willing and able to do whatever it takes to do the right thing for their kids.

It's a myth that kids of divorce are doomed to suffer. If the parents are able to put aside the childishness, bitterness and other negative emotions for the best interest of the children, then there is no reason why those children will be damaged by a divorce. The same goes for single parents raising a child apart, as well as for the parents who have no choice but to raise a child on their own.

Marital status IMO is *never* a proxy for good parenting. It's also not a proxy for love, respect, and all of the positives that we associate with marriage. If a marriage is not built on a solid foundation of love, respect, trust, mutual admiration, etc., then it's not worth the paper it's written on.

I think it is better for a child to be raised by a single parent or parents who are loving, mature, and effective than by a two married fools who don't have a clue.

Only because the thanks button is not enough. ITA and could not have said it better myself.

 

[daydreem2876]

It's not about whether I agree or disagree with with shot gun marriages. I just don't see any shame in them (could be that my family is full of them ). They may work they may not, but I can't shame anyone into trying to build a solid foundation for their children.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I know a lot of women who snagged good husbands this way. Got pregnant and the guy did the right thing and married them. I also know women who did this and the marriage did not work and are now single moms. I have no problem with shotgun wedding because if I got pregnant out of wedlock I would hurry up and get married so my child can be born in wedlock and to save myself the embarrassment.

Exactly. I'm not even going to pretend that everyone I know that's married did it the "right" way. I know a lot of women that got pregnant to snag a good husband. My mother, my paternal grandmother, one aunt, 2 cousins, and out of 4 ex-boyfriends--all of them were excellent catches-- 2 of them married a gf because they knocked her up <-9 & 7 years later they are still married. It is what it is. I don't judge shotgun weddings AT ALL.

 

[danniegirl]

Exactly. I'm not even going to pretend that everyone I know that's married did it the "right" way. I know a lot of women that got pregnant to snag a good husband. My mother, my paternal grandmother, one aunt, 2 cousins, and out of 4 ex-boyfriends--all of them were excellent catches-- 2 of them married a gf because they knocked her up <-9 & 7 years later they are still married. It is what it is. I don't judge shotgun weddings AT ALL.

so now this is the thought process

let me run out get pg so i can keep me a good ole man yes sir im gonna snag me a ripe one yes indeed

 

[barbiesocialite]

so now this is the thought process

let me run out get pg so i can keep me a good ole man yes sir im gonna snag me a ripe one yes indeed

It only works with men who aren't kangs (in character and familial background) and since so many women seem so fond of kangs these days, getting pregnant out of wedlock is like playing Russian Roulette and won't work because the man was never the marrying type in the first place....

 

[FemmeFatale]

Barbie I love your bluntness, lol.

 

[Mrs. N Lugo]

Exactly. I'm not even going to pretend that everyone I know that's married did it the "right" way. I know a lot of women that got pregnant to snag a good husband. My mother, my paternal grandmother, one aunt, 2 cousins, and out of 4 ex-boyfriends--all of them were excellent catches-- 2 of them married a gf because they knocked her up <-9 & 7 years later they are still married. It is what it is. I don't judge shotgun weddings AT ALL.

I wonder if those men plan to leave their wives once the kids are older. I've heard men, who did the right thing and married the pregnant girlfriend, say they will divorce when the kids turn 18.

 

[Mis007]

so now this is the thought process

let me run out get pg so i can keep me a good ole man yes sir im gonna snag me a ripe one yes indeed

I think this is an example of a shotgun wedding that ended well, don't try this @ home !!!

 

[aribell]

I don't even know where to begin with this because I disagree with the concept of a shotgun wedding on so many levels.

I shudder to think what would happen to institution of marriage if every single couple out there these days who conceived a child got married. I can not see any good coming out of seeing the folks on Maury and Jerry Springer getting married. Total trainwreck. I don't think it's surprising that the divorce rate is going down as women are finding it more acceptable to have children out of wedlock.

...
I think it is better for a child to be raised by a single parent or parents who are loving, mature, and effective than by a two married fools who don't have a clue.

I think the main issue here is that if the two people are so immature and foolish that they would create a terrible home for the child, then they aren't going to be able to work with one another to raise the child separately either. I don't think that single parenting is the answer to immaturity.

The whole concept of the shotgun wedding is that it forces people (namely the men) to "grow up" and get it together when they would otherwise have no inclination to do so. (hence, the shotgun).

so now this is the thought process

let me run out get pg so i can keep me a good ole man yes sir im gonna snag me a ripe one yes indeed

Yeah...wouldn't try that one nowadays. Even a pastor I heard was saying the same thing recently...that women trying to "trap" a man doesn't even work anymore.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I wonder if those men plan to leave their wives once the kids are older. I've heard men, who did the right thing and married the pregnant girlfriend, say they will divorce when the kids turn 18.

Doubtful. There is a reason why I've always been told to date men only from two-parent homes (btw, not all of these were ideal 2-parent homes).

IME, the only way these couples are breaking up is if the woman wants out. From the way my exes were with me, they will hang in there if they feel obligated or responsible. They are the man-up kind so I doubt they'll leave their wives any time soon. My grandparents have been together since they were 15. Both of my aunts are still married and their kids are grown. And my father refuses to give my mother a divorce and she left him 10 years ago.

 

[yardyspice]

Barbie I love your bluntness, lol.

She's right though because women pretend that the man suddenly became no good even though [fill in the appropriate warning signs]. A good man, a man with character wants to take care of his child and to provide that child with a stable home.

 

[danniegirl]

It only works with men who aren't kangs (in character and familial background) and since so many women seem so fond of kangs these days, getting pregnant out of wedlock is like playing Russian Roulette and won't work because the man was never the marrying type in the first place....

But the women who does this are called what

Wait let me guess

Smart , Lucky, Sane? or even better in love or maybe they have great character and great poise and was so incredibly lucky to have come up with such a well thought out plan for their life. We should call them SUPER WOMEN because they have it all.

Maybe we should start teaching this thought process in schools to little girls as young as 5 we can teach them to take good care of their hair and how to snag a good ole good ole ripe man thats just ready to be taken advantage of yes indeed. I can just see the message dont just lay down and have unprotected sex have unprotected sex with a back up plan to trap that man and make him marry you thats you key to happiness yes indeed.

 

[Solitude]

I hear what your saying but to a degree, women need to not sleep with men that they can not talk to about the future and children. Of course we all slip but the majority of these instances where the father walks away, the woman turned a blind eye to the way he treated their relationship and past relationships.

I'm not against shotgun weddings, but understand You can't force relationships !!!

You're making an assumption here that the guy is a bad guy. The two people might simply be incompatible, not necessarily that the man was abusive, or a cheater, or whatever. I did not want to be married (on top of being too young) and still do not want to be married; it would have made no difference whether he was Prince Charming or not.

I agree that men and women should not sleep with people they don't want to be married to, but that is simply not the reality of the world that we live in.

I

 

[aribell]

IME, the only way these couples are breaking up is if the woman wants out. From the way my exes were with me, they will hang in there if they feel obligated or responsible. They are the man-up kind so I doubt they'll leave their wives any time soon. My grandparents have been together since they were 15. Both of my aunts are still married and their kids are grown. And my father refuses to give my mother a divorce and she left him 10 years ago.

Regarding the bolded, it's definitely the women. I think people may overhype the whole male midlife crisis thing b/c I have seen it be the women who decide they are "done" up and divorce after like 20 years of marriage (with one woman, it was after 40 years!)

 

[FemmeFatale]

So this is actually a prime example of the conversation we had the other day about values and marriage. If I were in a loving relationship and I wound up pregnant and my boyfriend proposed because he values family, marriage and has a vision for us..why would I say no??