**2015 Relationships & Dating Thread**

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NowIAmNappy said:
So I don't know where to leave this question since its not directly about my FH and I, so I'll just ask it here.

Without getting into too many details, I have a very strained relationship with my parents but especially with my father. Communication with him is strained and limited to once a month via a text message that is more of a stock text that he sends out that asks and answers a question about my well being.For example, How are you doing? I hope all is well have a good day.

So the problem is that I do not want my father to walk me down the isle, personally I would rather just walk myself and meet my hunny. My FH just wants me to be happy but does wish I would suck it up and walk with my father. My mother flipped her lid when I even mentioned that I didnt want him walking me saying I was being disrespectful. The problem is I dont have a relationship with neither and we had a difficult...extremely difficult childhood that left me not speaking to him for years. My mother in law also thinks that I should let him walk me down the isle to save face from having people gossip about the wedding. I'm torn between saving face or my core values. I feel like the father "giving" away his daughter, including walking them down the isle and the father/daughter dance is reserved for parents and children who love and respect one another and who have intimate relationships with each other. So I just want to know what would you do in this situation.
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Hi NowIAmNappy, first of all, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

This is a big event, even life changing. Because of that, you'll not want to do anything on your special day that you could possibly regret later on. So, I suggest that you lay aside your personal feelings and have your Dad walk you down the isle. Believe me, you will not regret.

Please listen to your FH, Mother, soon to be Mother-in-law, and I. If you don't allow your Dad to escort you, it would hurt and humiliate him pretty bad. It could also insure that the relationship would be strained even more.

Lay aside your differences for that day, enjoy it, relish in it, and be glad that you've found someone to share your life with. Don't exclude your Dad but include him. Again, you will not regret it.
 
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NowIAmNappy said:
Thank you all, I don't know how to multi quote everyone but your advice is greatly appreciated. Sometimes I feel like the odd man out in these situations since my SO and his family are very close and I'm close to his family. I think when other people grow up in good home situations its hard for them to relate or understand why those who didnt have the best upbringing do not want certain traditions in their wedding. BTW yes I am inviting him.
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Yep. The ones talking about "suck it up" usually don't relate to your situation or understand why you feel the way you do. I wish l would make myself uncomfortable on MY wedding day for the sake of "saving face", SMH.
 
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Hey @mensa
I kinda went off the next morning :(
We didn't talk about whether he would keep them as friends but I can't see why he wouldn't just yet. They are all co-workers and he started hanging with them about 3 years ago or so. I've known my friends over 10+ years and my group is also older. He also explained that 2 out of the 3 were in some "mood." The third one was more open. Last time we hung out, it was fine but this time...still don't want to put myself around that again though, too old for that.
 
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@NowIAmNappy
My father wasn't around for most of my life. Today, our interaction is very awkward. We share meaningless texts less than 5 times per year (thanksgiving, my bday, his bday, Father's Day and Xmas).
If you really cared to know how I'm doing, you'd call me. The love just ain't there. Sad. Even saying happy Father's Day feels weird. I've always thought about the wedding day and to me, having him walk me down the isle would be weird and fake so why do it? Years ago, I thought my uncle would be the one. Now, I don't know anymore...
 
NowIAmNappy said:
Thank you all, I don't know how to multi quote everyone but your advice is greatly appreciated. Sometimes I feel like the odd man out in these situations since my SO and his family are very close and I'm close to his family. I think when other people grow up in good home situations its hard for them to relate or understand why those who didnt have the best upbringing do not want certain traditions in their wedding. BTW yes I am inviting him.
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And this is why I stated what I did. I was not close at all to my bio father. My step father is who I actually was raised by. If he was alive, he would have walked me down the aisle. My bio dad and I have a very strained relationship. I cant fathom putting on a happy face and allowing him to walk me down the aisle.

Would it strain the relationship further, yes... would I feel awkward with him there, sure would.


I hope you come to a solution that works for you. A stressfree wedding is what I wish all brides/grooms can have. Family differences can really drive you nuts.
 
Fine 4s said:
@NowIAmNappy
My father wasn't around for most of my life. Today, our interaction is very awkward. We share meaningless texts less than 5 times per year (thanksgiving, my bday, his bday, Father's Day and Xmas).
If you really cared to know how I'm doing, you'd call me. The love just ain't there. Sad. Even saying happy Father's Day feels weird. I've always thought about the wedding day and to me, having him walk me down the isle would be weird and fake so why do it? Years ago, I thought my uncle would be the one. Now, I don't know anymore...
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Yes, I struggle with this because Im honestly not close to any adult males, I never envisioned anyone giving me away. I've pretty much took care of myself for the past 10 years and it was me reaching out to him trying to fix a situation he clearly did not care about. I feel like me inviting him is respectful because he's done nothing to deserve being a part of my life. Being religious is difficult because Im taught to honor my parents, at the same time I do feel like my parents never gave me anything to respect. Growing up in an abusive home makes me less inclined to want to do anything the "traditional" way.
 
shawnyblazes said:
And this is why I stated what I did. I was not close at all to my bio father. My step father is who I actually was raised by. If he was alive, he would have walked me down the aisle. My bio dad and I have a very strained relationship. I cant fathom putting on a happy face and allowing him to walk me down the aisle.

Would it strain the relationship further, yes... would I feel awkward with him there, sure would.


I hope you come to a solution that works for you. A stressfree wedding is what I wish all brides/grooms can have. Family differences can really drive you nuts.
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Thanks girl, I always wonder if these fathers stop for one second to think about the consequences of their actions when it comes to their families especially their daughters. I'm not saying I'm doing this to spite my father, but at the same time I don't know how he (or my mom) would expect me to want to have him walk me down the isle after all that's happened. And its not like he's actively pursuing a relationship with me, and I've come to the conclusion that he might not ever be the father I need him to be.
Anyways I digress I'm really praying the matter over, I want to find happiness and completeness in my decision because I cannot keep rehashing this out and causing myself stress.
 
NowIAmNappy said:
Thanks girl, I always wonder if these fathers stop for one second stopto think about the consequences of their actions when it comes to their families especially their daughters. I'm not saying I'm doing this to spite my father, but at the same time I dont know how he (or my mom) would expect me to want to have him walk me down the isle after all that's happened. And its not like he's actively pursuing a relationship with me, and I've come to the conclusion that he might not ever be the father I need him to be.
Anyways I digress I'm really praying the matter over, I want to find happiness and completeness in my decision because I cannot keep rehashing this out and causing myself stress.
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That was pretty much the conclusion I had to come to with my father. I'm almost 40 years old, our relationship is what it is at this point. Like I said, it's much better, but not what it should be.

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and happiness. :bighug:
 
Now that I've pulled back in ALL areas, he's finally listening. It was nice to converse with the dude after avoiding him for 3 Weeks. He shared a lot and I tried to explain things from another perspective. I was happy he actually listened to what I had to say. I let him know that it was very much appreciated. I hope he doesn't start begging to taste the nectar.
 
@NowIAmNappy

Do what is best for you because it is your big day. I just had my wedding and I actually had my dad and stepdad walk me down the aisle because they both were part of my life. However, my stepmother was not always motherly to me although she is nice now. I decided to make sure that she and my step sister felt included because I knew how it felt to be excluded by her. It was my day and from day one I was going to make sure it was stress free. My mother told me after the fact that she made sure that my stepmother felt comfortable. The wedding went pretty smoothly and was full of love. Also I can tell that there was a shift in a strained relationship because my stepmother and stepsis definitely have warmed up. My dad actually said to me via text after the wedding to tell my mother that she did a great job (she helped coordinate a lot) and it was great seeing her. That let me know that everyone definitely enjoyed themselves. I am saying all of this to say that although I felt some kind of way about my stepmother from the past, I know that all people have the potential to change even if it hard to see. Sometimes it takes a small gesture to get that ball rolling and shift the vibration to a higher frequency. Now once again you know your situation the best and do what is best for you.
 
I've pulled back quite a bit from dating. I've deleted numbers left and right. I really don't have the patience for these wishy washy lying ass men anymore. It's exhausting and leads nowhere. Why was I stressing myself??? Foolish. I've also taken on an oath of chastity. Makes sense while I get myself together emotionally. My relationship with my sister is improving, and I'm doing better at speaking up for myself in general. Happy me!
 
NowIAmNappy said:
So I don't know where to leave this question since its not directly about my FH and I, so I'll just ask it here.

Without getting into too many details, I have a very strained relationship with my parents but especially with my father. Communication with him is strained and limited to once a month via a text message that is more of a stock text that he sends out that asks and answers a question about my well being.For example, How are you doing? I hope all is well have a good day.

So the problem is that I do not want my father to walk me down the isle, personally I would rather just walk myself and meet my hunny. My FH just wants me to be happy but does wish I would suck it up and walk with my father. My mother flipped her lid when I even mentioned that I didnt want him walking me saying I was being disrespectful. The problem is I dont have a relationship with neither and we had a difficult...extremely difficult childhood that left me not speaking to him for years. My mother in law also thinks that I should let him walk me down the isle to save face from having people gossip about the wedding. I'm torn between saving face or my core values. I feel like the father "giving" away his daughter, including walking them down the isle and the father/daughter dance is reserved for parents and children who love and respect one another and who have intimate relationships with each other. So I just want to know what would you do in this situation.
Click to expand...

Well to be true, it is your day. And whomever participates in the wedding party will be in your wedding day photos that will grace the mantel for years to come. So do what you can live with.

However, aside from your wedding day...it seems like you maybe want to punish your father. I only say this because it is tradition and it should be his honor to walk you down the isle. But you want to take or keep that from him...deny it. Which is completely and totally your prerogative. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, that's a decision you will ultimately make and live with. I take your word for it that he doesn't deserve to.

What I do think is that you need to forgive your father for whatever trespasses you feel he has committed. Don't carry any bitterness toward him or your mom into your new life. Forgiving him is a gift to you, not to him. Don't carry that weight forward because it will manifest itself it various ways...and when you least expect it. And yes toward your new husband even....he already feels some way about it yes? So it would be better to resolve it "internally" and give FH the assurance you're not still at odds with your dad...but just indifferent.
 
I left FH a letter on the table yesterday expressing appreciation, and at the end of the letter I promised to "take care of him" later on. But later on, I fell asleep. :crybaby: So I know he's prolly feelin some kinda way this morning, which I feel really bad about. I'll have to put in extra work tonight.
 
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Fine 4s said:
LOL! Falling asleep is my middle name. Just like you, I always feel bad for doing it but drifting off feels sooo darn good. Catch ya in the am!
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LOL yeah I was feeling really badly about it earlier, especially because I remembered that he tried to spoon me in the middle of the night but I was knocked out. I'll make it up to him today. I hate looking like I don't follow through on my word though, but ah well, it happens to the best of us. :lol:
 
Thanks Tinkat, Elizablue, Shawnyblazes, Fine 4s, Mensa and everyone else for your hugs and support.
Elizablue, I agree there might be some resentment left over that I thought I had let go years ago, I dont expect much from either of my parents. They live thousands of miles away from me a distance I chose to put between us years ago after things spiraled out of control. When you speak about denying him "tradition" and "his honor" is it really denial if there's nothing traditional or honorable about the things he's done?

This weekend I finally mustered the courage to ask my father about his expectations and he stated he has none and that he didn't care. Therefore this made my decision a lot easier, I shared the text message with my mother and future mother in law because they didnt seem to believe he would say that. My future hubby was supportive of the decision I made and we are now able to move forward. In addition, FH and I were able to meet with a couple on Sunday for lunch who will be guiding us through this journey to marriage and they were able to give some really helpful tips and ideas in communicating with each other and our in-laws. I really cant wait for wedding planning to be over and done with, some of it just seems like unnecessary stress with all these "rules" traditions" etc. The day is really about me and him and our commitment to one another I'm really trying not to lose focus of that.
 
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NowIAmNappy said:
Thanks Tinkat, Elizablue, Shawnyblazes, Fine 4s, Mensa and everyone else for your hugs and support.
Elizablue, I agree there might be some resentment left over that I thought I had let go years ago, I dont expect much from either of my parents. They live thousands of miles away from me a distance I chose to put between us years ago after things spiraled out of control. When you speak about denying him "tradition" and "his honor" is it really denial if there's nothing traditional or honorable about the things he's done?

This weekend I finally mustered the courage to ask my father about his expectations and he stated he has none and that he didn't care. Therefore this made my decision a lot easier, I shared the text message with my mother and future mother in law because they didnt seem to believe he would say that. My future hubby was supportive of the decision I made and we are now able to move forward. In addition, FH and I were able to meet with a couple on Sunday for lunch who will be guiding us through this journey to marriage and they were able to give some really helpful tips and ideas in communicating with each other and our in-laws. I'm really cant wait for wedding planning to be over and done with, some of it just seems like unnecessary stress with all these "rules" traditions" etc. The day is really about me and him and our commitment to one another I'm really trying not to lose focus of that.
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You are most welcome...aww...that's a good thing. I always pray for the best solution for everyone and that way even though everyone may not get exactly what they want...what's best for everyone always works without regrets. I'm glad you and your dad reached an understanding so that you can enjoy your big day without any trepidation as to whether or not you did the right thing.
 
I had the best, most peaceful, most soul connecting weekend ever and it didn't involve my current. We were both out of town in different states and he texted me once to let me know he made it safely. I didn't hear from him again until he got back to our city. Then he was concerned about when I would be home because he wanted to color. I left the next day and when I got back in town after driving 5 hours, he wanted me to stop to see him at work. He didn't care that I was exhausted, he was just concerned about himself. In the evening he expected me to go to his house so he could do his thing. How he words it is unappealing. I don't want him touching me. This relationship is doomed. I can't deal with selfishness and the constant insecurity.
 
I just set up my 17 year old nephew on a date with my 18 year old second cousin. They are not related or knew each other before a week ago.

They are going to the movies. This is her first date. She was not allowed to date before 18.

They are both about to start college. He told me he prefers black girls. He is visiting me for the summer. He is a social butterfly and they met at a barbecue I had. I thought he would be confident and friendly but he became shy when he met her and she became the confident one even though she has never had a bf or been on a date before but he has had gfs.

He thinks she is beautiful. She is a Daddy's girl and is quite confident and knows her worth.

Too cute.
 
D
Halana Malie said:
I'm thinking about doing a Spartan Race with him if I do it will have to be the easiest one (in terms of miles because nothing about those races are easy) so I have a little over a month to get myself together.
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Do it, I made my finance do a Tough Mudder with me, it really brought us together, he was all helpful and trying to show me how strong he was. Mind you I've been doing Tough Mudders for years. giggles.

I had such a great weekend last week with my fiance, we both took off work and spent Friday together it was so great to reconnect and focus on us and not discuss the wedding for one day.
 
We're off Friday too and have no plans! Well, our plans fell through.
Any ideas on making in a staycation or something exciting to do @NowIAmNappy ?
One question, how do I land me a 'finance' ? j/k
 
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