**2015 Relationships & Dating Thread**

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How do you effectively communicate with your partner? I want to address some stuff that has been on my mind, but I don't want to ruin it when we're having a good day and I don't want to add fuel to the fire when we're upset with each other. What do you do? I think some of the stuff I want to talk about will make me sound insecure and like I'm criticizing him, but I want to address them without him feeling like I'm playing the blame game.

I ask him is there any way I can improve myself and the relationship and he says that he's happy...I wish he could tell me to work on something so I'll have the window to bring some stuff up lol

I usually hold stuff in and when there's an issue I bring up everything which causes a huge argument. Soooo ineffective lol I'm working on it.
 
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PeaceLover said:
How do you effectively communicate with your partner? I want to address some stuff that has been on my mind, but I don't want to ruin it when we're having a good day and I don't want to add fuel to the fire when we're upset with each other. What do you do? I think some of the stuff I want to talk about will make me sound insecure and like I'm criticizing him, but I want to address them without him feeling like I'm playing the blame game.

I ask him is there any way I can improve myself and the relationship and he says that he's happy...I wish he could tell me to work on something so I'll have the window to bring some stuff up lol

I usually hold stuff in and when there's an issue I bring up everything which causes a huge argument. Soooo ineffective lol I'm working on it.
Click to expand...

What I did this past weekend was ask him to write a list of 10 things I do/have done in the past that he appreciates and write down 10 things he would like me to do to help him feel secure/happy in this relationship in order to help our communication skills, and I would make my own list. Initially he was like no that's too much work, we should just talk more or some bullish like that. So I was like fine then, we don't have to do it. But I thought it over for a day and realized that just because he's too lazy to make a list doesn't mean I shouldn't have my needs known and met. So I made my list, and he actually really appreciated the list I made of the random nice things he has done for me and was surprised by some of them. He appreciated that list so much that he seemed pretty excited to try the things on the second list. And now he's talking bout he's gonna make his own list :drunk: I really wanted to punch him when he said that because that's all I wanted in the first place but I just smiled and said thank you....
 
Ugh- I've never dated anyone who while with me, attended a bachelor party. Well, my luck has changed. He's going to one today. I HATE IT, I HATE IT and finally I HATE IT. I had the boundaries convo but most of the men I know who go to these things ALL miss behave and then lie to the gfs, fhs and wives about what really went down. I'm feeling like misbehaving myself just to get even! So immature I know but how do I manage these emotions?

ETA- no strippers!!!!! Yessss....
ETAA- ....and they went to strip clubs. I'm really not liking men right now.
 
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@Libra08
You are good! I would lose it when he didn't want to make the list. Attitude all day. I seriously need to work on this.
@PeaceLover I can be like this too; bringing up everything when I'm upset. My ex pointed that out to me. Definitely come up with a way to discuss what's on your mind when all is well....and put it away once you've discussed it. Don't bring it up again when times are bad.
 
Aww...it's cuffing season...right?

Meeting Tino the Latino Tiger after church...I'm brining him one of my "better than Patti's" Sweet Potato Pies. He tells me it's time we make this official and change our fb status. Do what? Please don't get corny-er. I'm not doing that...do people still do that?
 
Fine 4s said:
Ugh- I've never dated anyone who while with me, attended a bachelor party. Well, my luck has changed. He's going to one today. I HATE IT, I HATE IT and finally I HATE IT. I had the boundaries convo but most of the men I know who go to these things ALL miss behave and then lie to the gfs, fhs and wives about what really went down. I'm feeling like misbehaving myself just to get even! So immature I know but how do I manage these emotions?

ETA- no strippers!!!!! Yessss....
ETAA- ....and they went to strip clubs. I'm really not liking men right now.
Click to expand...

I feel you on that...the next time let him know I don't care where you go to whet your appetite as long as you come home to eat. Men are going to look and see and be proposition...nothing can stop that. But he needs to know you're cool with it (cause it's gonna happen) just don't get fed in the streets.
 
PeaceLover said:
How do you effectively communicate with your partner? I want to address some stuff that has been on my mind, but I don't want to ruin it when we're having a good day and I don't want to add fuel to the fire when we're upset with each other. What do you do? I think some of the stuff I want to talk about will make me sound insecure and like I'm criticizing him, but I want to address them without him feeling like I'm playing the blame game.

I ask him is there any way I can improve myself and the relationship and he says that he's happy...I wish he could tell me to work on something so I'll have the window to bring some stuff up lol

I usually hold stuff in and when there's an issue I bring up everything which causes a huge argument. Soooo ineffective lol I'm working on it.
Click to expand...

I can't think of the name for it but it's something like positive re-enforcement, but different because he's not doing it for you to give rewards for it to begin with. But you basically find examples where other men have done the thing you want him to do. Even if it's on tv. Now you don't say why can't you be like so and so because that tends to have the opposite effect.

You say...oh wow...their bathroom counter is sooo clean...they must really have a cool understanding about "her" keeping all "her" clutter down. I need to be more like her. By inference he will think well what does he do, I want to be like him. Kinda.

Or someone buys their girl flowers, you say...with a smile...I love the way she must be feeling to be showed love/appreciation/etc. Never make it about him or you. If he's smart he will draw the correlation for himself.

This far and wide beats the nagger who gives a man a litany of wrong doings. There's a whole book about this if I can find it I will come back with the title.
 
Libra08 said:
What I did this past weekend was ask him to write a list of 10 things I do/have done in the past that he appreciates and write down 10 things he would like me to do to help him feel secure/happy in this relationship in order to help our communication skills, and I would make my own list. Initially he was like no that's too much work, we should just talk more or some bullish like that. So I was like fine then, we don't have to do it. But I thought it over for a day and realized that just because he's too lazy to make a list doesn't mean I shouldn't have my needs known and met. So I made my list, and he actually really appreciated the list I made of the random nice things he has done for me and was surprised by some of them. He appreciated that list so much that he seemed pretty excited to try the things on the second list. And now he's talking bout he's gonna make his own list :drunk: I really wanted to punch him when he said that because that's all I wanted in the first place but I just smiled and said thank you....
Click to expand...

Sometimes it is better to just put it in writing. But I find most to be like yours was at first and I've had sooo many tell me women are direct enough. Just say what you want. But then when you do that...you're nagging. Lol...that's why I have to revert to old Jedi mind tricks.
 
Him coming over almost everyday is a lot different than living together. I don't know how people get married without living together first because it's a lot of s*** I didn't know about him that annoys me that I didn't until we start living together. I know this sounds bad I'm glad we're working on different shifts right now so we don't have to spend so much time together.
 
Fine 4s said:
@ElizaBlue
Einh, I'm a little less tolerant of anything involving another female, paid or unpaid and especially without me.
Click to expand...

I get where you are...but men are going to look regardless...the only way to stop them is to render them blind. And since we can't go around plucking out eyeballs...we have to set some ground rules...boundaries if you will.
 
I cannot wait to be married in 23 days and be a Mrs! My fiance has literally done everything he can to make this time less stressful especially because I work full time and am in school.

Yesterday I had a complete freak out moment because I couldn't get my 60 page portfolio off my tablet, I literally was in tears with frustration. I decided to go to the gym instead of turning in the assignment. Unbeknownst to me, while I was at the gym, my fiance drove 30 minutes to my house found a way to send the portfolio to my desktop and drove back to his house without even telling me. When I got home to work on my tablet he called me and told me to look on my desktop, I gave him so much attitude because I was like why? what's there I don't have time..... he was so patient and as soon as I saw it I cried again. He is so good to me.. and I cannot wait to repay him as his wife.
 
Fine 4s said:
But going to a club and partaking in what goes down there ie lap dances etc. is different than going and just looking or looking at random folks on the street IMO.
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He had lap dances?? Was that something you'd discussed before he went out.
 
Yes. And I don't particularly like it but I've gotten them too *look*
Sometimes I just think my expectations are too unrealistic.
 
Good to know. Can you tell me in what way or why it is so @hopeful? My female friend didn't see it that way but I feel strongly that it was.
I flipped it on him and he sees how it looks.
 
Fine 4s said:
Yes. And I don't particularly like it but I've gotten them too *look*
Sometimes I just think my expectations are too unrealistic.
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I know for certain that they are not for all men. There are men and women out there who stick to their word, care about their partners feelings and keep relationship agreements (or at least make an effort to). Although it's possible your expectations are unrealistic given the type of men you are drawn to.
 
The past few months of this relationship have been challenging. We are both dealing with outside stress and have been having the same argument. Yesterday, inspired by the "have you let yourself go" thread, I cleared my schedule and got a bunch of books to read over my winter break. One of them was "The Dance of Anger." I read about 1/3 of the book yesterday and it reminded me that I can't change him, I can only change me. It also reminded me to look for the real source of my frustration - still working that part out. What I do know is that I need more affection and compassion than I'm getting, and I could continue to be frustrated with him/communicate my needs ineffectively (in the mean time) OR I could give myself the affection and compassion that I need. Currently doing the latter :)
 
Libra08 said:
What I did this past weekend was ask him to write a list of 10 things I do/have done in the past that he appreciates and write down 10 things he would like me to do to help him feel secure/happy in this relationship in order to help our communication skills, and I would make my own list. Initially he was like no that's too much work, we should just talk more or some bullish like that. So I was like fine then, we don't have to do it. But I thought it over for a day and realized that just because he's too lazy to make a list doesn't mean I shouldn't have my needs known and met. So I made my list, and he actually really appreciated the list I made of the random nice things he has done for me and was surprised by some of them. He appreciated that list so much that he seemed pretty excited to try the things on the second list. And now he's talking bout he's gonna make his own list :drunk: I really wanted to punch him when he said that because that's all I wanted in the first place but I just smiled and said thank you....
Click to expand...
Where the heck you been!!! *Hugs* I missed you!
 
Hey ladies I need your help.

Should I invite my future sister-in-law to my bachlorette party?
A little background, me and her are cool but we dont hang out like that generally unless my fiance is with us. Shes not in my wedding but she is our wedding coordinator. Me and her are ok, she tends to be overly abrasive about things and aggressive to the point I had to tell my fiance that he would have to say something to her because she kept trying to hijack my wedding and dismiss all my ideas. Since he's done so our relationship has gotten better, but now people keep acting surprised that shes not in the wedding and my bridesmaids keep asking if they should invite her to the bachlorette party. I'm not sure if I should, or if she already feels excluded by not being a bridesmaid. What would you do?
Also I am doing a Spa day with my bridesmaids and my mother and sister the day before the wedding, should I invite his mom and sisters as well. I'm trying to not make everyone feel excluded or hurt especially because my parents don't live anywhere near me and I'll be living 5-10 minutes from my future in-laws.
 
Definitely a question for the other married or engaged ladies but I'll give you my POV.
A bachelorette party is not an event I would consider intimate like a spa. You can easily dismiss, ignore or just engage as you please with her at your bachelorette party. You'll be with your girls having a good time. What are you doing for the bachelorette party? If it doesn't cost you much disturbance, I'd do it. It's a small price to pay for a lifetime of possible resentment.
Spa day:
Do you like your in-laws? If so, why not?
However, I don't see this as a need-to-invite-inlaws type of activity. This is you and your close friends only and it just so happens your mom and sister are close to you :) Do they have to know what you're doing with your friends? Couldn't you and your people just disappear for a few hours? Or conveniently schedule something for THEM to do while you go off LOL
That's how I see it....
 
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Fine 4s said:
Definitely a question for the other married or engaged ladies but I'll give you my POV.
A bachelorette party is not an even I would consider intimate like a spa. You can easily dismiss, ignore or just engage as you please with her at your bachelorette party. You'll be with your girls having a good time. What are you doing for the bachelorette party? If it doesn't cost you much disturbance, I'd do it. It's a small price to pay for a lifetime of possible resentment.
Spa day:
Do you like your in-laws? If so, why not?
However, I don't see this as a need-to-invite-inlaws type of activity. This is you are your close friends only and it just so happens your mom and sister are close to you :) Do they even have to know you're doing this? Couldn't you and your people just disappear for a few hours?
That's how I see it....
Click to expand...

So it will be like 7 of us going to DC for the weekend, my sister has a huge house out there and we are all staying with her. We will be playing drinking games, girl stuff gag gifts, and at least two nights out on the town.

The only reason I mentioned the spa day is because she asked when my girls and I are getting our mani pedi's done (shes our coordinator) I told her the day before. Also, after our spa day we have the rehearsal dinner so everyone will be together that evening chatting. BTW I do love my in-laws! My future mother in law and father in law and I text and chat all the time...like everyday more so then with my bio parents. Its just the sister-in-law and I that I've had some difficulty with. Shes not a bad person overall its just those things I've mentioned earlier.
 
OK.
In that setting, she could potentially annoy me. Can she bring a friend? Maybe they can hang freeing up your time and energy to be with the people you really want to be with. Oh man...I'll let the others handle it.
The direct and IDGAF answer would be it's YOUR event so you should invite who you want. I also believe that we don't always get what we want in life (or as adults) and this might be a good 101 lesson in your marriage because she will definitely be around. Hmmm....I'm sorry I don't have more ideas.
On the spa, invite them and enjoy mi lady!
 
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