Would you divorce your husband...

[naturalmanenyc]

I honestly cannot even fathom a husband and father of 3 that refuses to work or hold a steady job for 10 years. I do not believe that any job is beneath a man - especially a man who has a family to support.

I will not tell you to divorce your husband. That is your decision to make for you & your 3 kids; however, if you intend to stay married then you cannot tear your husband down. The situation sounds horrible and emotionally draining to even read, but to verbally tear the man down is not the answer.


Maybe try this idea that I received via email nearly 2 years ago.

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf

By Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Published by Revive Our Hearts, © 2005. Permission granted to photocopy in the exact form, including copyright. All other uses require written permission.


www.ReviveOurHearts.com



I won't post the entire challenge (15 pages) but the link is above.


30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge for Wives


We're so glad you've decided to accept the "30-Day Encouragement Challenge" to encourage your husband! Your decision means that you truly want to be a blessing in your home. This challenge will also result in spiritual growth in your own life.

We'd like to encourage you to keep track of what God does in your marriage over this next month. We hope you'll take time to share what God does in your home as you bless and encourage your spouse.


Day One:

"The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life."

Prov. 31:11-12

To refresh your memory...here's the 30-Day Encouragement Challenge...for the next 30 days:

* You can't say anything negative about your husband ...to your husband...or to anyone else, about your husband.

* Say something that you admire or appreciate about your husband...to your husband...and to someone else, about your husband!

To help you get started, have you ever thanked your husband for "choosing you" above all other women? He found you attractive as a person, and appreciated you. Though many circumstances in your marriage may have changed, let your husband know that you are glad God led you together, and that you want to be a blessing to him for the rest of your marriage. Let him know that he can trust you to be in his corner.


One of the best opportunities to express your gratitude is first thing in the morning. How do you greet your husband each morning? Is he confident in your love? Give him a "wake up call" that he'll never forget-a big "I love you" and an "I'm so glad I'm your wife!"

Day Two:

"...through love serve one another."
Gal. 5:13b

How did you do yesterday with your first day of blessing and encouraging your husband? Was it easy? Was it hard to hold your tongue when you wanted to say something negative? We hope you're off to a good start. (If you blew it, don't give up -start again today!) There are so many practical things you can praise, if you look for them.

Today, find some way that your husband is serving you or your family. Does he help around the house? Take care of the car? Fix things that are broken? If your budget allows, give him a new, small tool with a big bow attached. But make sure he doesn't think it's part of a "Honey Do" list!

Maybe your husband's not a handyman, but does he run errands for you? Let you go first? Take care of you when you are sick? Help you make decisions? Praise him for his willingness to serve others. Let him know that you see his unique service as a great strength.

Day Three:

"...love suffers long, and is kind..."
1 Cor. 13:4

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Phil. 4:19

Love indeed suffers long and is kind. As you consider your Encouragement Challenge, determine today that you will not say anything negative to or about your husband.
Speak kindly to him with words of genuine encouragement.

If your husband is considerate of your needs, let him know that you have noticed. Thank him for his kindness and consideration. Thank the Lord that your husband knows how to be both tough and tender.

Sometimes it's difficult for a man to be gentle, kind or tender - especially if he hasn't had role models in these areas. If he's not a considerate person, appeal to him for help without complaining. Let him know that it's hard for you to handle some things alone.

Then, when he moves in to help, don't insist that he do it your way. Be glad that he is responding, and express your gratitude.

Ultimately, you can't expect your husband to make you feel more secure, loved, etc. Remember that only God can meet the deepest needs of your heart.

Day Four:

"...let him labor, working with his hands what is good..."
Eph. 4:28

We are all accountable for the things we say, both negative and positive words. Have you embraced the challenge to speak only positive things to your husband and to others about him? Here's a suggestion that touches the core of your husband's world.

Some women take their husband's career for granted, and they show it in many ways. Do you "dump" on your husband at the end of the workday, or do you strengthen and encourage him with your words? A wise wife will make her husband feel that she values and appreciates his work. Let him know that you are glad he is a hard worker. Take opportunities to praise his diligence and resourcefulness to others.

If your husband is out of work, unable to work, or refuses to work, you'll need to be more creative. Praise him for a character quality that you see in him that would be a vital part of a successful career - such as persistence, decisiveness, strength, an analytical mind, organizational skills, good with people, good listener, determination, etc.

Day Five:

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers."
Eph. 4:29

Another way to describe the positive side of this "30-Day Encouragement Challenge" is by using the word "edify," which means, "to build up." Negative comments only discourage and tear down. Positive comments encourage and build.

Do you edify your husband before others, adding to his value in their eyes? This is especially important to other family members.

Do you praise your husband to his relatives, and yours? Does your husband's mother know how much you love him? How about your dad? Perhaps you can drop a word of praise into a conversation or letter. Be creative in letting your relatives know that you respect your husband, love him, and support him - in spite of whatever flaws and weaknesses he may have.

 

[natumer]

^^^

See I expected him to "not be too proud to hold down ANY job, while he chased his dream"

Thank you ladies for all the informative posts, I really got a lot from them. I was really down yesterday, my mind is a little more clear now, so want to share more details on the history:

He had a job before we were married and worked hard even when he was very young. But since it was a night job, he left like a week prior to the wedding so he could work during the day (first mistake).

He took a few months to find the next job, he worked there less than a year. He quit that job, because someone was "harassing" by asking him to do things that had nothing to do with his job (like sweeping the floor, when his job was more administrative) (2nd mistake), while I can understand if you are having problems at work, he should have not left without getting another job first (which I did tell him).

He was out for a couple of months before landing the next job, that one he really liked. He probably would have lasted at that one 'til now. However, corporate closed down the office, which came by surprise (he was there for almost a year).

After that he was out for 6 months. He then got another job, but that only lasted a few months, I don't think that one was a good fit, they let him go. So he was out again for a few months.

During all those times he was out, he was looking for work and doing interviews, I have to say that I was more the cheerleader back then helping him look, sending resumes, applying doing anything I could to help. The more time that passed the more comfortable I think he got settling in the not working lifestyle. But he kept busy, looking for jobs, keeping up with the house, renovating the house (we had just bought), cooking, cleaning, his outings were mostly with his mom or hang out at the home depot/best buy...

After I nagged him to death and told him how imperative it was for him to get a job anything, then he got a job working the night shift. While I would prefer to have him work the same schedule, I was happy he was working (he was happier working, he always is).

Also, this is a job from 10 pm to 7 am. During the day he would sleep in the am (his mom would watch baby in am), watch baby (in the afternoon), take a nap when I get home, wake up, go to work. Never a problem with being late, skipping work or having any performance issues. This went on for 3 years straight. It was a low paying job, but at least something was coming in.

I could not understand how he could be so motivated by a low paying night job, instead of a 9-5 office work, but it worked for him. In the meantime, I was encouraging him to go to school, or applying his talents/skills to a better paying job.

He thought about doing the real estate so I encouraged him to do that, he took a few months of encouragement finally he did the class, took the test, got his license.

However, the next big mistake, as soon as he had his first sale and big commission he quit the 3 year night time job. At the time I was nervous but hoped that he would be motivated with the real estate and do well in that. For the following two years he did ok, not as good as I expected but ok enough over a year period (better than the night time job overall, just not steady).

Finally in 2008 he decided to go back to school, while we both understood that he would do an aggressive schedule, since he may have a long way to go, it was never with the understanding that he would not support us financially while he was in school.

He sold a couple of houses in 2008, but nothing in 2009 (he did some other things on the side like home renovations, selling on ebay, etc). My thing is I would think that he sees that he needs to do more by himself without me pushing him. We are in need, and when I talk to him about our financial state, he gets quiet, than he says, "oh I could sell a couple of houses", then I say :well I suppose if you could do so so easily then you would have already right?, that's not really steady or under your control"...then he say "well I haven't been organized but I am getting there so we'll see"....gggggrrrrrrrrrr.

How can he be so vague about it all when I am stressing and doing all I can to make ends meet??? That's my issue.

I hear what you guys are saying about letting go, stop taking care of everything, make him uncomfortable. I do recognize that I am a control freak (as called by a friend of mine) and I have a hard time of just letting things go and risk losing it all or putting the kids through the risk of losing our home, or not being warm. He is a very low maintenance, guy he does like his electronics gadgets, that's where I could attack !
Also, I think if it gets to the point of me walking out or put him out, I don't think I will return from such a decision. I contemplated divorce 3 years ago for this and other reasons, he did not want a divorce and told me he is willing to do everything to make this works (I know I have to remind him of that too). However, more importantly, scripturally I could not justify my reasons to divorce. So I decided to stay and work at it.

The reason I think he may be depressed, is because I have seen that he does less and less social things year to year. He does not want to go to the activities that we used to before, I am very outgoing so I usually just go by myself (or with the kids)...I guess that only contributes to his feelings of maybe not feeling needed (he is an introvert).

I do think that there may be resentment on both of our parts, due to our past mistakes and maybe that's playing a role to. I know that he is the type to not show his full emotions to me, I just think that something deeper must be going on for him to not want to hold a steady job.

 

[natumer]

I honestly cannot even fathom a husband and father of 3 that refuses to work or hold a steady job for 10 years. I do not believe that any job is beneath a man - especially a man who has a family to support.

I will not tell you to divorce your husband. That is your decision to make for you & your 3 kids; however, if you intend to stay married then you cannot tear your husband down. The situation sounds horrible and emotionally draining to even read, but to verbally tear the man down is not the answer.


Maybe try this idea that I received via email nearly 2 years ago.

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf

By Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Published by Revive Our Hearts, © 2005. Permission granted to photocopy in the exact form, including copyright. All other uses require written permission.


www.ReviveOurHearts.com



I won't post the entire challenge (15 pages) but the link is above.


30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge for Wives


We're so glad you've decided to accept the "30-Day Encouragement Challenge" to encourage your husband! Your decision means that you truly want to be a blessing in your home. This challenge will also result in spiritual growth in your own life.

We'd like to encourage you to keep track of what God does in your marriage over this next month. We hope you'll take time to share what God does in your home as you bless and encourage your spouse.


Day One:

"The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life."

Prov. 31:11-12

To refresh your memory...here's the 30-Day Encouragement Challenge...for the next 30 days:

* You can't say anything negative about your husband ...to your husband...or to anyone else, about your husband.

* Say something that you admire or appreciate about your husband...to your husband...and to someone else, about your husband!

To help you get started, have you ever thanked your husband for "choosing you" above all other women? He found you attractive as a person, and appreciated you. Though many circumstances in your marriage may have changed, let your husband know that you are glad God led you together, and that you want to be a blessing to him for the rest of your marriage. Let him know that he can trust you to be in his corner.


One of the best opportunities to express your gratitude is first thing in the morning. How do you greet your husband each morning? Is he confident in your love? Give him a "wake up call" that he'll never forget-a big "I love you" and an "I'm so glad I'm your wife!"

Day Two:

"...through love serve one another."
Gal. 5:13b

How did you do yesterday with your first day of blessing and encouraging your husband? Was it easy? Was it hard to hold your tongue when you wanted to say something negative? We hope you're off to a good start. (If you blew it, don't give up -start again today!) There are so many practical things you can praise, if you look for them.

Today, find some way that your husband is serving you or your family. Does he help around the house? Take care of the car? Fix things that are broken? If your budget allows, give him a new, small tool with a big bow attached. But make sure he doesn't think it's part of a "Honey Do" list!

Maybe your husband's not a handyman, but does he run errands for you? Let you go first? Take care of you when you are sick? Help you make decisions? Praise him for his willingness to serve others. Let him know that you see his unique service as a great strength.

Day Three:

"...love suffers long, and is kind..."
1 Cor. 13:4

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Phil. 4:19

Love indeed suffers long and is kind. As you consider your Encouragement Challenge, determine today that you will not say anything negative to or about your husband.
Speak kindly to him with words of genuine encouragement.

If your husband is considerate of your needs, let him know that you have noticed. Thank him for his kindness and consideration. Thank the Lord that your husband knows how to be both tough and tender.

Sometimes it's difficult for a man to be gentle, kind or tender - especially if he hasn't had role models in these areas. If he's not a considerate person, appeal to him for help without complaining. Let him know that it's hard for you to handle some things alone.

Then, when he moves in to help, don't insist that he do it your way. Be glad that he is responding, and express your gratitude.

Ultimately, you can't expect your husband to make you feel more secure, loved, etc. Remember that only God can meet the deepest needs of your heart.

Day Four:

"...let him labor, working with his hands what is good..."
Eph. 4:28

We are all accountable for the things we say, both negative and positive words. Have you embraced the challenge to speak only positive things to your husband and to others about him? Here's a suggestion that touches the core of your husband's world.

Some women take their husband's career for granted, and they show it in many ways. Do you "dump" on your husband at the end of the workday, or do you strengthen and encourage him with your words? A wise wife will make her husband feel that she values and appreciates his work. Let him know that you are glad he is a hard worker. Take opportunities to praise his diligence and resourcefulness to others.

If your husband is out of work, unable to work, or refuses to work, you'll need to be more creative. Praise him for a character quality that you see in him that would be a vital part of a successful career - such as persistence, decisiveness, strength, an analytical mind, organizational skills, good with people, good listener, determination, etc.

Day Five:

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers."
Eph. 4:29

Another way to describe the positive side of this "30-Day Encouragement Challenge" is by using the word "edify," which means, "to build up." Negative comments only discourage and tear down. Positive comments encourage and build.

Do you edify your husband before others, adding to his value in their eyes? This is especially important to other family members.

Do you praise your husband to his relatives, and yours? Does your husband's mother know how much you love him? How about your dad? Perhaps you can drop a word of praise into a conversation or letter. Be creative in letting your relatives know that you respect your husband, love him, and support him - in spite of whatever flaws and weaknesses he may have.

Thank you I do appreciate that...I am not putting myself down or blaming myself for his faults, but honestly I know I have not accomplished most of the things of on here. So thanks for sharing, I am willing to learn.

 

[natumer]

First off, can I just commend you on your honesty and openness? This can't be an easy thing to not only talk about, but also to hear others thoughts, comments, and advice. Kudos to you!

Second, I don't know your relationship history, but whenever I see women blaming themselves for some trifling behavior on the part of their men I am like Unless there is some huge, transgression you've made in the relationship I wouldn't assume this is your fault in any way. Please don't blame yourself for his indecisiveness, depression, lack of ambition, or whatever is ailing him. He needs to take responsibility for his own emotions and behavior.

The more I hear you, the more I think some counseling will help you and him get clarity on what is really going on. Until you hear from his mouth what his genuine feelings, concerns, fears are everything else is speculation and speculation is dangerous. Plus counseling will make it clear whether the marriage is salvagable or you need to go your own way.

I know it's kind of crazy to come in here and post all this about my life, but I really needed the support and that was the best way I knew to get it at the moment. I think I am going to look into counseling even if it's just me.

I have blamed myself a bit I think, because feelings of guilt is behind resentment...that is something I need to deal with.

 

[topnotch1010]

You responded while I was typing so I'm changing my response because I see he has not been truly unemployed for 10 years.

I think you need to let that control freak in you go and let him play his position. Let him be the leader he needs to be and you take a step back. If you play all the positions, where does that leave him? I used to do that when we first got married. I was the control freak and I held down everything. I used to have all kind of resentment towards him until I gave him some space to let him do his part. It took me getting sick one good time to know that he is fully capable of getting the job done and I was killing myself for no good reason.

He chose that long career route because he knew he could. I say drop the ball and see if he'll pick it back up. You need a teammate, not a pine rider. I think he's doing what any normal person would do. He's getting away with what you let him get away with.

 

[natumer]

That's kind of what I'm thinking.

OP it seems like you've gone to school and HE perhaps supported you emotionally and ocasssionally financially and with the kids? Is that right? And over the years after you finished school, he became used to you being the care taker. IF so does he perhaps think this is HIS "time" to finish school? I do think that he can't get a decent job that can support a family of five without a degree? What is his timeline to graduate?

I would at the very least seperate and let him stay with his parents and explain to him that you are extremely unhappy with this situation. Not arguing with him in an emotional shrill way but reallly laying out your issues, your resentment and that you don't' want TO NOT respect him as a man. Men value respect as a man which is why I'm concerned he may be deeply depressed or feels like a complete failure to you. Men have very fragile egos, I have to wonder how he even feels as a man and I doubt he's sharing how he really feels with you. Most men set their value as a man by being providers.

I'm all for NOT dating or marrying bummish men but I'm also of the thought that once you GET married, you committ to the committment of marriage, beyond the two of you. I would ask him to move out and you all seek counseling. If he wants his family, he's gonna have to earn it, literally and figuratively.

Yes he did supported me emotionally, with the kids and financially while I was in school (he even reminds me of that too). He did get used to me being the main bread winner. He may feel like it's his turn and it is, and I want to give him the same support while he is in school, it's just that I want him to work while he's in school the same way I managed school/work/home. I don't think being in school precludes him from working. I understand that it might not bee much, but just working gives him self-worth, he is happier I am happier and what he brings him makes a difference.

His biggest complaint to me is that I don't respect him. However, even when I don't think I do anything to disrespect him, he sees disrespect. And I have to calmly show him that I wasn't and sometimes he sees that. That's why I say not working has caused so many other issues, because when you don't have that balance and the roles are not in the right order it just brings out issues in other areas.

I do value the commitment of marriage beyond the two of us as well, that's why I would prefer to try alternatives to divorce first before resorting to that.

 

[Zawaj]

I didn't read the whole thread but simple answer is for me it is a deal breaker. I married for maybe less lovey dovey reasons than the average chica though.

 

[Choirgirl]

I read 90% of the posts. I do recall one where you were at a restaurant with your child and someone asked DH what he did to which he replied house-husband. You stated that you and your child gave each other "the look" or something like that.

DH can pick up on those kinds of things and that leaves him feeling disrespected.

Here is my opinion, love is a give and take situation. You knew when you married what his educational/earning potential was and now that you have yours, be it unconsciously or not, your making him feel insufficient in light of your MBA. The MBA you have is an accomplishment of both of you as a team. Now it's his turn and he doesn't feel that he can work a full time job, be there for you, look after the kids and care for the home. So he is doing what he can do.

My in-laws did the same thing. When they married, neither of them had advanced education. First, he put her through nursing school. Then, she put him through Case Western Reserve Weatherhead School of Business and later she put him through law school.

So even though initially, I was hating on your DH. After reading and understanding that he really is committed to school and helping to care for the children. I think this is something that can work. You two just need to learn to trust and respect each other again. I would also recommend a written plan (as in a 10 year plan) with goals. With your love and support, he may just reach his dream of becoming a Dr. Perhaps I'm biased since I would love it if DH lets me go to school full time to become a surgeon. That's all I ever really wanted to do with my life...so I can relate to him. In med school -competition is fierce so buckle down.


Good Luck.

 

[bongolady]

School is good...is he going with a goal in mind or just killing time?

Also, not to dissuade you but a little lesson I learned...

When I was young and dumb I lived with a guy for 8 years, helped put him through school because we were building our future together. The understanding was that I would work while he went to school since he had a partial basketball scholarship, then I would go to school and he would support me.

Well when the time came to flip the script, homeboy had all kinds of problems with me going back to school (I'm thinking it's because school would have exposed me to new people, new ideas which would have given him less control). Then when he got the work gig he wanted he didn't want to be with me because I reminded him of his struggling days...he wanted an upgrade.

He left me for some Ebony/Jet model he met in a club. Of course he came crawling back after a few months but I was done. And now have more education and a better job then he could ever dream of.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that living with a man who is up and coming, under achieving and/or unfulfilled can be hazardous to your long term relationship prospects. I think some men are weird that way. That's why I wouldn't let this situation go on too long. You're his safety woman and if and when he gets his life together he might rethink his commitment to you. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.

What you said in bold hits home. This is so true. I wish I had had this advice before I got married and saved myself a lot of heartache and the pain of a divorce.

 

[Vintageglam]

So glad the education system over here is different and was free when I went to University. I dread to think that I would have had to depend on my "musician" boy friend to support me. Even while I was studying the agreement was that he was going to pay for law school and I ended up having to do that myself. I always kinda knew it was all talk and always had a "back up" plan. I just think in life you have to be supportive of your partner but always keep a small sense of "self", because it's no good if both of you feel like you have lost your way. This is esp true where children are involved. OP have read the thread and I am really feeling you.

I agree with what some of the women here have sad, time to drop the ball and let him pick it up. He clearly is capable of working but chooses not too bc he know's you are supportive and will always be there. And there is the crux of the matter. You need to whip the security blanket away a little and show him a little of the realities of the life without you being there to catch his every fall. If I were you I would start "delegating" to him things he can't get out of like buying the kids new shoes, buying gas, no more pocket money etc. I would also sit him down and make him understand that it’s time to pull together as a family and that he has to shoulder his share of the responsibility. I would sit down with him and compose a budget and show him exactly how much it costs to run your lives and then hand over some of the bills to him and definitely do not support any of his personal spending while he is not working. You need that money for your children and you. You have in my opinion gone beyond the call of duty and then some. It’s time to take care of YOU.

I also think the poster above who recommended the Nurse/ Anesthesiologist role was onto something as it would allow him to skill up in a relatively short period of time whilst MOST importantly earning and then continue training towards a very decent salary. Especially given that he will be in a position to earn a good wage when your girls start to hit college age. This to me is something very real tangible and achievable which will not put too much further strain on your marriage. In contrast I feel that pursuing medicine just might break the two of you emotionally and financially, esp as he has a track record of giving up when things don’t suit him. You could potentially be saddled with all his college debt which would not be fair on the quality of life of your children. I feel your lives as a family are delicately hanging in the balance and that the decisions you make now are the pivotal point to your happiness. It’s very rare that we can pinpoint a time in our lives which will make all the difference to the outcome of our lives (hope that makes sense). I feel that you are there right now. So regardless of what you read here and what the women in this thread may think this is essentially all about you and your family and making the best decision for you and your family.

Just some suggestions. I don't know what else to say except that you have been stellar in your efforts to keep your family together until now. It’s a shame because the thing that strikes me is that I feel you still have feelings for him and are just hugely frustrated by his inertia.

Once again big (((hugs))) and I hope that you are able to reach some sort of workable situation for you and DH. I would also STRONGLY advise that you receive counselling as s family and that he receives counselling for himself. It seems to me that he could HUGELY benefit from CBT and or motivation coaching or NLP. Also just as a thought would it be possible to get say a family friend in the medical field to speak to him and coach/ mentor him. Also he could volunteer in hospitals and try and build contacts maybe??? Hospitals are known for taking on their volunteers into Auxillary roles when they know the ropes as their knowledge becomes valuable which could be financially very good for you.

 

[ambergirl]

I know it's kind of crazy to come in here and post all this about my life, but I really needed the support and that was the best way I knew to get it at the moment. I think I am going to look into counseling even if it's just me.

I have blamed myself a bit I think, because feelings of guilt is behind resentment...that is something I need to deal with.

I don't think it's crazy at all! Hope you didn't feel that I was saying that. I think it's brave.

You responded while I was typing so I'm changing my response because I see he has not been truly unemployed for 10 years.

I think you need to let that control freak in you go and let him play his position. Let him be the leader he needs to be and you take a step back. If you play all the positions, where does that leave him? I used to do that when we first got married. I was the control freak and I held down everything. I used to have all kind of resentment towards him until I gave him some space to let him do his part. It took me getting sick one good time to know that he is fully capable of getting the job done and I was killing myself for no good reason.

He chose that long career route because he knew he could. I say drop the ball and see if he'll pick it back up. You need a teammate, not a pine rider. I think he's doing what any normal person would do. He's getting away with what you let him get away with.

I don't know. That can be a high risk strategy when there's a lot at stake. I have a friend who turned over all financial matters to her husband because she wanted him to lead the family. That man raked up so much high interest, high risk debt they were paying that off for years all the time worrying they were going to lose their house.

No matter the criminal record, no matter what, I have cousins and family members who have got in trouble, have had more than one felony and still felt the need to get out there and get legal legitimate jobs to take care of their wife and kids. The longest it took any one of them was 4 years tops to get his ish together. That's why I'm divorcing my husband. I'm 27 years old with a 2 year old son, and life is too short and too valuable to waste my youth on a lazy unmotivated man. He chooses not to keep jobs either by being late or just quitting them because he doesn't want to work on the weekends. We hit the four year mark seven months ago. It's time for me to bounce. Love doesn't pay for bills and diapers. If the man is not ill, then he needs to go. My father gave me this advice. He always had two jobs just in case one laid him off. It's called extra security. He doesn't value you if he won't do the bare essentials to keep you "not rich" but at least "comfortable. DIVORCE HIM. Trust me, the little bit of feelings you have left for him will fade and you will find another good man that will give you peace of mind. It's stressful trying to do everything on your own. My father is old fashioned and says that marriage is a partnership where a woman should have a job if she wants to and not because she "NEEDS" too. He feels that child bearing, child rearing, cooking, and cleaning is already a whole lot on top of WORKING a 9 to 5 is more work than any man could ever fulfill. If my great aunt at 69 years old can find another husband after her divorce, I know you and I can. LEAVE HIM!

This is the advice my Dad always gives me. When a man values you he'll do whatever it takes to make sure you and yours are taken care of to the best of his ability.

 

[topnotch1010]

I don't know. That can be a high risk strategy when there's a lot at stake. I have a friend who turned over all financial matters to her husband because she wanted him to lead the family. That man raked up so much high interest, high risk debt they were paying that off for years all the time worrying they were going to lose their house.

Well, we can't live our lives in fear because of some mistake somebody else made. I'm not saying she should turn all of her finances over to him, but he needs some responsibility.

It's not fair to either one of them to keep him on the bench because she's scared he may fumble the ball. He needs to be in the game.

 

[Jazzmommy]

If he's lazy and just wants to lunch off of me.. um, YEAP!

 

[Jazzmommy]

No matter the criminal record, no matter what, I have cousins and family members who have got in trouble, have had more than one felony and still felt the need to get out there and get legal legitimate jobs to take care of their wife and kids. The longest it took any one of them was 4 years tops to get his ish together. That's why I'm divorcing my husband. I'm 27 years old with a 2 year old son, and life is too short and too valuable to waste my youth on a lazy unmotivated man. He chooses not to keep jobs either by being late or just quitting them because he doesn't want to work on the weekends. We hit the four year mark seven months ago. It's time for me to bounce. Love doesn't pay for bills and diapers. If the man is not ill, then he needs to go. My father gave me this advice. He always had two jobs just in case one laid him off. It's called extra security. He doesn't value you if he won't do the bare essentials to keep you "not rich" but at least "comfortable. DIVORCE HIM. Trust me, the little bit of feelings you have left for him will fade and you will find another good man that will give you peace of mind. It's stressful trying to do everything on your own. My father is old fashioned and says that marriage is a partnership where a woman should have a job if she wants to and not because she "NEEDS" too. He feels that child bearing, child rearing, cooking, and cleaning is already a whole lot on top of WORKING a 9 to 5 is more work than any man could ever fulfill. If my great aunt at 69 years old can find another husband after her divorce, I know you and I can. LEAVE HIM!

Ditto.. I'm divorcing my lazy husband too..

 

[newbiemom]

I would tell him if he doesn't see a therapist we would be getting a divorce. He needs to find out why he can't find a career path and stick to it. He should want to provide for his family. Have you discussed a plan such as a him going back to college or trade school. Encourage him to do this and he will probably start ot feel better about himself when he is actually accomplishing something he set out to do. That might translate into him becoming more motivated to get a job. But if he is not willing to follow some kind of plan to get out of this situation he woul dhave to go.

 

[Mitey Cyrus]

Thank you so much, your post is very informative. I came really close to a divorce about 3 years ago, we reconnected and decided to do everything we can to make this work. We talked through about everything that went on between us for the past 7 years where we had some bad experiences from both his part and my part (he did not want to do counselling). We decided to stay together then, but truthfully he has not changed enough (especially in the financial part).

I feel as though whatever step you take next should involve counseling as a requirement. You need a neutral party to intercede, especially if he feels accused every time this comes up. It will also give him a chance to air out his grievancesrolleyes: sorry, couldn't help that).

His biggest complaint to me is that I don't respect him. However, even when I don't think I do anything to disrespect him, he sees disrespect. And I have to calmly show him that I wasn't and sometimes he sees that. That's why I say not working has caused so many other issues, because when you don't have that balance and the roles are not in the right order it just brings out issues in other areas.

He sees disrespect at every turn because he doesn't respect himself.

 

[donna894]

I read 90% of the posts. I do recall one where you were at a restaurant with your child and someone asked DH what he did to which he replied house-husband. You stated that you and your child gave each other "the look" or something like that.

Choirgirl - dlewis posted that, not OP (natumer)

DH can pick up on those kinds of things and that leaves him feeling disrespected. Here is my opinion, love is a give and take situation. You knew when you married what his educational/earning potential was and now that you have yours, be it unconsciously or not, your making him feel insufficient in light of your MBA. The MBA you have is an accomplishment of both of you as a team. Now it's his turn and he doesn't feel that he can work a full time job, be there for you, look after the kids and care for the home. So he is doing what he can do.

My in-laws did the same thing. When they married, neither of them had advanced education. First, he put her through nursing school. Then, she put him through Case Western Reserve Weatherhead School of Business and later she put him through law school.

So even though initially, I was hating on your DH. After reading and understanding that he really is committed to school and helping to care for the children. I think this is something that can work. You two just need to learn to trust and respect each other again. I would also recommend a written plan (as in a 10 year plan) with goals. With your love and support, he may just reach his dream of becoming a Dr. Perhaps I'm biased since I would love it if DH lets me go to school full time to become a surgeon. That's all I ever really wanted to do with my life...so I can relate to him. In med school -competition is fierce so buckle down.


Good Luck.

Nobody has a crystal ball when they get hitched. They married so young that I don't think OP could have predicted the situation they're currently dealing with. I know that I married at age 22. Looking back (and we've been married over twenty years now), I now realize that I had no clue what was in store for our marriage. I knew my husband had insecurities (I had some as well), but I did not recognize how deeply we would be affected. After many candid conversations (some of which were very intense) and counseling, we are doing much better today.

If he is feeling insufficient in light of her MBA, that is a problem he needs to work out with a therapist. What is she supposed to do? Not achieve or accomplish anything so that he won't look or feel bad? If he's feeling insufficient (instead of proud of his wife's achievements), it could be because he knows he's not living up to his potential. BTW -- I don't think OP's husband is a bad guy, but he does need to deal with his issues and step up so he can take this pressure off his wife.

This post reminds me of my "dear" MIL bless her heart, who always defended and made excuses for her "baby" (ie., my husband).

 

[natumer]

So glad the education system over here is different and was free when I went to University. I dread to think that I would have had to depend on my "musician" boy friend to support me. Even while I was studying the agreement was that he was going to pay for law school and I ended up having to do that myself. I always kinda knew it was all talk and always had a "back up" plan. I just think in life you have to be supportive of your partner but always keep a small sense of "self", because it's no good if both of you feel like you have lost your way. This is esp true where children are involved. OP have read the thread and I am really feeling you.

I agree with what some of the women here have sad, time to drop the ball and let him pick it up. He clearly is capable of working but chooses not too bc he know's you are supportive and will always be there. And there is the crux of the matter. You need to whip the security blanket away a little and show him a little of the realities of the life without you being there to catch his every fall. If I were you I would start "delegating" to him things he can't get out of like buying the kids new shoes, buying gas, no more pocket money etc. I would also sit him down and make him understand that it’s time to pull together as a family and that he has to shoulder his share of the responsibility. I would sit down with him and compose a budget and show him exactly how much it costs to run your lives and then hand over some of the bills to him and definitely do not support any of his personal spending while he is not working. You need that money for your children and you. You have in my opinion gone beyond the call of duty and then some. It’s time to take care of YOU.

I also think the poster above who recommended the Nurse/ Anesthesiologist role was onto something as it would allow him to skill up in a relatively short period of time whilst MOST importantly earning and then continue training towards a very decent salary. Especially given that he will be in a position to earn a good wage when your girls start to hit college age. This to me is something very real tangible and achievable which will not put too much further strain on your marriage. In contrast I feel that pursuing medicine just might break the two of you emotionally and financially, esp as he has a track record of giving up when things don’t suit him. You could potentially be saddled with all his college debt which would not be fair on the quality of life of your children. I feel your lives as a family are delicately hanging in the balance and that the decisions you make now are the pivotal point to your happiness. It’s very rare that we can pinpoint a time in our lives which will make all the difference to the outcome of our lives (hope that makes sense). I feel that you are there right now. So regardless of what you read here and what the women in this thread may think this is essentially all about you and your family and making the best decision for you and your family.

Just some suggestions. I don't know what else to say except that you have been stellar in your efforts to keep your family together until now. It’s a shame because the thing that strikes me is that I feel you still have feelings for him and are just hugely frustrated by his inertia.

Once again big (((hugs))) and I hope that you are able to reach some sort of workable situation for you and DH. I would also STRONGLY advise that you receive counselling as s family and that he receives counselling for himself. It seems to me that he could HUGELY benefit from CBT and or motivation coaching or NLP. Also just as a thought would it be possible to get say a family friend in the medical field to speak to him and coach/ mentor him. Also he could volunteer in hospitals and try and build contacts maybe??? Hospitals are known for taking on their volunteers into Auxillary roles when they know the ropes as their knowledge becomes valuable which could be financially very good for you.

I have really gotten a lot from your post. I am going to read all these posts over and over again while I make a plan. You guys have helped me see that I need get counseling even if it's just me initially. I do feel that we are at a turning point, maybe it's because we've hit the 10 year mark.

I am also going to check out the tools you mentioned and even self-medicate a bit and try to use with him too. I also like the idea of the stepping stone degrees so that he have something to work on while he works toward his dream.

I have been taking notes and making a plan. I have a budget that I use, I am going to sit down and show him the budget so that he can see for himself where we are...I just need to stay unemotional and use the "suggesting and planting" ideas on some of the things he can do. Even if I don't leave everything in his hands I am going to "delegate" some of the obligations to him.

I really appreciate all your words of encouragement and hugs .

 

[Vintageglam]

You are so welcome and I hope it works out. Please let me know how its goes and I really hope that 2010 is the year for you and your family to finally live in the spirit of all your true potentials.

I have really gotten a lot from your post. I am going to read all these posts over and over again while I make a plan. You guys have helped me see that I need get counseling even if it's just me initially. I do feel that we are at a turning point, maybe it's because we've hit the 10 year mark.

I am also going to check out the tools you mentioned and even self-medicate a bit and try to use with him too. I also like the idea of the stepping stone degrees so that he have something to work on while he works toward his dream.

I have been taking notes and making a plan. I have a budget that I use, I am going to sit down and show him the budget so that he can see for himself where we are...I just need to stay unemotional and use the "suggesting and planting" ideas on some of the things he can do. Even if I don't leave everything in his hands I am going to "delegate" some of the obligations to him.

I really appreciate all your words of encouragement and hugs .

 

[Sly]

It's easier said than done, but she REALLY REALLY needs to stop making him comfortable.
Without telling all my business, I was in the EXACT situation.
Honey, the Xbox got pawned, the Ipod got pawned, I stopped buying snacks, no more money for alcohol (beer) or clothes (for some reason, he still wanted to look good and aint have nowhere to go). I called the energy company and they adjusted my theromostat. It stayed 75 degrees (to save money)whether it was freezing or burning up, the cable got cut off (which forced him to buy a paper and actually make phone calls and apply in person), stopped buying movies, stopped giving him gas for his car, stopped paying the car note (it got re'poed, so I put air in his bike tires ), stopped paying his cell phone bill (forced him to make cold visits).
In general, I stopped supporting HIM.

^^^^ You alright wit' me. shut.it.down.

 

[natumer]

Choirgirl - dlewis posted that, not OP (natumer)



Nobody has a crystal ball when they get hitched. They married so young that I don't think OP could have predicted the situation they're currently dealing with. I know that I married at age 22. Looking back (and we've been married over twenty years now), I now realize that I had no clue what was in store for our marriage. I knew my husband had insecurities (I had some as well), but I did not recognize how deeply we would be affected. After many candid conversations (some of which were very intense) and counseling, we are doing much better today.

If he is feeling insufficient in light of her MBA, that is a problem he needs to work out with a therapist. What is she supposed to do? Not achieve or accomplish anything so that he won't look or feel bad? If he's feeling insufficient (instead of proud of his wife's achievements), it could be because he knows he's not living up to his potential. BTW -- I don't think OP's husband is a bad guy, but he does need to deal with his issues and step up so he can take this pressure off his wife.

This post reminds me of my "dear" MIL bless her heart, who always defended and made excuses for her "baby" (ie., my husband).

Wow 20 years Congrats! I definitely feel now that I had now idea what I was getting myself into so young. I really tried to think about all the issues that could come up, he was my first boyfriend and I had him do a background check, std test (even though we were each other's first), we spent a lot of time together talking about everything and anything. We were both young and full of love, the feeling where you could conquer the world. He made me believe in love (which I thought was overrated and doesn't last), he told me I inspired him to be his best. I could never have predicted the experiences I have had in marriage from my bf/gf.

I do think he feels more bad about not living to his potential...yet. your DMIL sounds like mine...

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

I'm curious, why are YOU going to counseling by yourself?

 

[topnotch1010]

Hmmm... You know what, I read somewhere that the couples divorce more at the 10 year mark than any other year. It's a very vulnerable point. I wish you all the best OP!

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ I know a couple of married friends who went to counseling on their own and even though hubby wasn't there it still improved the marriage.

Her changing her behavior/approach/perspective may change the dynamics of the current situation and that might be enough to get the ball rolling.

 

[ambergirl]

Well, we can't live our lives in fear because of some mistake somebody else made. I'm not saying she should turn all of her finances over to him, but he needs some responsibility.

It's not fair to either one of them to keep him on the bench because she's scared he may fumble the ball. He needs to be in the game.

I hear you but basically bro has been fumbling the ball for 10 years. Giving him more responsibility without some understanding of why he hasn't stepped up to the plate so far could be disastrous. I agree he can't sit on the sidelines forever but I would be very selective about what I would give over to him lest he create a nice big mess she'll have to clean up on her own.

 

[natumer]

I don't think it's crazy at all! Hope you didn't feel that I was saying that. I think it's brave.

Thank you!

 

[natumer]

Hmmm... You know what, I read somewhere that the couples divorce more at the 10 year mark than any other year. It's a very vulnerable point. I wish you all the best OP!

interesting, I thought it was the 7 year itch...which was when I wanted to walk away...I guess I should find out more about this 10 year mark.

 

[natumer]

I'm curious, why are YOU going to counseling by yourself?

I want to go, because I see that I also bring in some things from my upbringing into this that enables this situation. Also, since I do feel somewhat resentful towards him, I don't want to continue that in me, as it's not healthy and I want to deal with that. Also, I think it might help give me some specific tools on how to deal with this situation constructively instead of doing it emotionally or just being lost/frustrated. I spend so much time focusing on what may be ailing him, that I am not looking at what I can do for myself. And I should work on bettering myself and being happy regardless.

 

[NJoy]

No illness...no reason...just no will...and he can get away with it obviously.

I completely understand what you mean about the respect...I have definitely lost respect for him, and I am embarrassed for both of us...I resent him and while I can't say I don't love him anymore, but he has certainly ruined the love to the point where love is not a big deal for me.

That's all I needed to hear to give my opinion. I would've been outta there a long time ago. I'm mad just thinking about it.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Natumer, any changes? Any talks?