Would you divorce your husband...

[DarkJoy]

it's cool joyous. I just really understand the OP. She should not be blamed for having hope and faith in her husband. It's what I had done. Sometimes, you just don't know. I settled down so young (16) and running from an abusive household/childhood to boot so had no clue. No one taught me about men, how I should be treated, none of that. Lots of women make this mistake because they are not taught that they have worth... and they become co-dependent with losers who keep them around by any manipulative means necessary. In my case, I had no experience, so had nothing to really compare our relationship too either.

For 20 years of trying to encourage him to get a real job and/or an education instead of me working sometimes 2 jobs or uni classes AND full time job, I was exhausted. He was "working from home" making barely enough to support himself, much less 2 and later 3 with my daughter. He spent his time smokin weed and watchin internet porn. He'd wake up at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and weekday mornings, I was out of the house sometimes at 5am depending on the job.

Finally the last 8 years I finished school and got my first career position. He made no progress. Bad crap happened around us in our extended family and I was through because he was no support.

Anyhow, feels GOOD to be out and I hope the OP is starting to see the light that is life beyond leeches in the guise of a man.... it's amazing what freedom feels like. Even the darkest days alone aren't as dark as they were with someone who drags you down into their own personal hell.

 

[natumer]

My question is why holler DIVORCE when you been putting up withit for 10 years? Surely the writing was on the wall at Year 1.

If he has a field where he is a free lancer, and its not steady but he's so good at his job when he DOES get paid its a LOT, then may be not. But I would learn pre-marriage if he is the type of person like me: Willing to work at McDonalds to make sure my bills get paid. I got 2 degrees but if the job isn't there its just not there. But if he is that type of man then its all good. If he's just generally lazy, then pooh pooh to the woman who lets this behavior go on for 3, 650 days.... (10 years).

I am obviously really late at replying to this...but today is a good time as any...

Actually the writing was not on the wall at year 1 nor was it pre-marriage. He is actually the opposite, when he's working he's a perfectionist, always on time never misses a day and takes his job (no matter how the level) very seriously.

He has gone back and forth between jobs, and the breaks were way too long and he would fall into a deep place where I guess he started to to get to anxious about going to work.

He has had instances where he is engaged in freelancing and bringing in very good income, but because it's not predictable, that is not a way to sustain a family.

It's interesting you said what you said about McDonald, that is exactly what he used to say. But for some reason, the last stretch was way too long without working and although we were over our heads financially, I could not get his attention to motivate him to work...hence my desperation. It's a marriage, that involves children, my first course of action when there is a problem is not going to be divorce. This is something I faced when I no longer saw any other options.

 

[natumer]

Here for another long overdue update...
So last time I posted I told you guys I was considering divorce, seems my attempts to get through to him was not working. Less than 2 months later from my posting we separated. It was a very dark time for me, the dark time was making the decision and planning my exit. Once, I put my plans into place, I felt happy, liberated and I honestly had no doubt about my decision.

I told him that I wanted a divorce, he did not really believe me (that was not the first time I told him, since we are obviously not happy with each other, it's best we go our separate ways). Well this time I truly meant it, I felt as Dr. Phil often said there was nothing left for me to say or do. I decided it was best for me to leave the house with the children, and called him to tell him we were gone. His first reaction was anger, he could not believe or understand why I would leave. I stayed calm and told him to not contact me and I will be waiting for him to move out. It took him a day or two to accept my decision and realize that I was not coming back. He told me he was sorry, and that he would do what he takes to reunite our family and for me to love him again. I told him if he wanted any hope for the future he should just let me go, have a friendly divorce, and if we're meant to be the future will determine it.

He actually got a job that weekend after we separated!!! After 2 years of no steady work he took 2 jobs in 3 days!!! I could not believe it, it only made me smdh more. At any rate, he provided support (most of his income) every week for the girls, any chance he had he came to the house to spend time with them (while I was out). He continued to try to convince me to give him another chance. I was done and really did not want to. He asks that we did counseling, I felt I was passed this point. He started to do counseling (I had ask him to do so before hand). I actually did counseling as well on my own.

After almost 6 months of separation, I decided to give us another try, we reconciled right before the divorce became final. I asked the attorney to put it on hold, I finally recinded my request from the Judge more than a after we reconciled.

He was diagnosed as clinically depressed, he was dealing with a lot of issues (felt intimidated by my success, he was angry and resentful at me (just as I was with him), he was scared to fail so he would not take any risks at being rejected at a job, he was not proud of himself, and felt that he had let himself go both physically and with his future) etc...

He was thankful for me leaving him, because that shocked him back to reality. He told me he realize that if I had not left him he would have gotten worst, and he would end up hating even more the man he's become.

We got back together and did couple counseling to work out our issues and avoid falling back into any co-dependency habits (which is so easy to do after we've been doing it for so many years). My tendency to take over everything and get it done, and his learned way of just removing himself and becoming indifferent was killing us. I learned now that I don't have to do it all, I have to pull him into taking responsibility too.

Since we've been back together, it's not perfect (well not as perfect as the honeymoone period which I was more worried was just a show) but I can say that we're happy. He has the same job as he did when we got separated, he's doing one steady and picks up extra work when he can, he's still in school can't wait for him to finish, he is more involved, more loving, more respectful, more grateful, etc. I am really happy that I did make the move when I made it, honestly I felt through the whole process that God was guiding how everything went, I would never believe myself that we would be back together at the end, and was scared that it would not last...but it has so far...

Just wanted to add that he never smokes, drinks, do drugs. He told himself he was being a house-husband and that was enough in pulling his weight, well it was not enough, it was dragging us down and sucking the life out of the both of us and creating lots of other issues. At the end, we both know to remain vigilant and holding each other accountable, he is quick now to tell us to go visit the Counselor anytime we are having issues

Ok...I'll end there, another long post again. Thank you gals for all the support and advice, you have helped me make a step in my life when I needed the push and did not know how to talk to the people IRL (who by the way were very supportive when I finally confided in them).

 

[manter26]

I haven't read the thread but it's good to hear things turned around and you are both doing better. It's great that the underlying cause has been addressed and he's in a better place now. Good luck to you both!

 

[natumer]

I'm very sorry to hear about your experience. I wish you the best in your decisions and your plans. While I'm happy we reconciled, I know that I was happier to have left the marriage after all these years than to stay in it and be miserable.

Please take the time to plan your exit carefully so that it benefits you. Take the steps when you're ready to do it, then you'll be at peace with your decision. Do rely on the support system around you. Stay focus on what your goals are, what happiness means for you.

When I was in the process of leaving my husband, I was really selfish and did my best to be indifferent to his issues. I reconciled with him because I wanted to, not because he was convincing me too. When I finally gave him a chance he was surprised, because at that point he thought he had lost me. I wanted to make sure that it was my decision and I was not doing it for him or the children.

It was very helpful for me to see a therapist, it gave me a safe place to express myself and be able to process my experiences without having someone else's opinions to consider but my own.

I am happy to talk with you further privately if you'd like. Just know that it gets better on the other side, when someone is not pulling you down .

it's cool joyous. I just really understand the OP. She should not be blamed for having hope and faith in her husband. It's what I had done. Sometimes, you just don't know. I settled down so young (16) and running from an abusive household/childhood to boot so had no clue. No one taught me about men, how I should be treated, none of that. Lots of women make this mistake because they are not taught that they have worth... and they become co-dependent with losers who keep them around by any manipulative means necessary. In my case, I had no experience, so had nothing to really compare our relationship too either.

For 20 years of trying to encourage him to get a real job and/or an education instead of me working sometimes 2 jobs or uni classes AND full time job, I was exhausted. He was "working from home" making barely enough to support himself, much less 2 and later 3 with my daughter. He spent his time smokin weed and watchin internet porn. He'd wake up at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and weekday mornings, I was out of the house sometimes at 5am depending on the job.

Finally the last 8 years I finished school and got my first career position. He made no progress. Bad crap happened around us in our extended family and I was through because he was no support.

Anyhow, feels GOOD to be out and I hope the OP is starting to see the light that is life beyond leeches in the guise of a man.... it's amazing what freedom feels like. Even the darkest days alone aren't as dark as they were with someone who drags you down into their own personal hell.

 

[Lilmama1011]

If he was sick or disabled in anyway no, but if it was laziness like someone stated it wouldn't take me ten years to leave. I don't respect a man that doesn't have money or not responsible enough to keep it and spends irresponsibly. My ex made more but spent his money on stupid stuff instead of stuff that should of been first priority. I literally treated him like **** and told him he isn't a man. He had no reason to come to me for money and we paid the same bills and I made less and was able to have money and save it . My SO makes way more money than me and handles his own, and I treat him like a man. And he states why he doesn't know how a man could feel like a man if he can't provide for his family

 

[sunnieb]

natumer - I wish you and your family all the best.

Sometimes leaving (and I mean REALLY leaving) shocks husbands into seeing things clearly. I hope he continues to do well and that you and your girls heal from what was a very stressful time.

 

[natumer]

natumer - I wish you and your family all the best.

Sometimes leaving (and I mean REALLY leaving) shocks husbands into seeing things clearly. I hope he continues to do well and that you and your girls heal from what was a very stressful time.

Exactly, I did not leave to incite a reaction from him. I left because I could not stay any longer and that put me and him in a better place to make a decision to be together instead of being stuck together.

Thanks for your best wishes.

 

[natumer]

If he was sick or disabled in anyway no, but if it was laziness like someone stated it wouldn't take me ten years to leave. I don't respect a man that doesn't have money or not responsible enough to keep it and spends irresponsibly. My ex made more but spent his money on stupid stuff instead of stuff that should of been first priority. I literally treated him like **** and told him he isn't a man. He had no reason to come to me for money and we paid the same bills and I made less and was able to have money and save it . My SO makes way more money than me and handles his own, and I treat him like a man. And he states why he doesn't know how a man could feel like a man if he can't provide for his family

I did lose some respect for him, not going to lie. We had gone through a traumatic experience, and I did not realize that this had such an impact on him. He told me he was fine, but deep down he was not.

 

[donna894]

I remember your original thread from a few years ago. I'm glad things are working out for you and your family.

 

[skegeesmb]

Idk about you guys, but I'm tired of being superwoman! I'm not telling you to get divorced, but something has to change. He knows you're not going to leave that job. Idk if he resents you or not, but some men would rather have a woman take care of them. I'm kind of old fashioned but I think a man should support his wife and family.

I know men who have worked 3 jobs to support their families, and when I asked one if he was upset about it he said he loved his family and it would destroy him not to be able to support them and he would do whatever it took to take care of his family.

I will work and I do work, but c'mon. Unless he has no limbs or is handicapped he better work. Never again will I fall for that. I will find someone that wants to work. I know this isn't making your situation any better.

 

[metro_qt]

Lol skegeesmb, a couple of posts above yours, she stated that she reconciled with her husband, he works and they're not getting a divorce

 

[skegeesmb]

Lol @skegeesmb, a couple of posts above yours, she stated that she reconciled with her husband, he works and they're not getting a divorce

Oops. Um well carry on . Should have skipped to the middle of the thread. Sorry about that.

 

[Farida]

OP I suggest you listen to Mark Gungor. He has found that women tend to take sharp measures only when we are DONE!!! We need to stand up to our men in a real way before it gets to the point of no return. Imagine the hardship you would've saved yourself YEARS ago if you had shocked him back to life. He is lucky you were still willing to entertain him at this point.

 

[HeChangedMyName]

OP I suggest you listen to Mark Gungor. He has found that women tend to take sharp measures only when we are DONE!!! We need to stand up to our men in a real way before it gets to the point of no return. Imagine the hardship you would've saved yourself YEARS ago if you had shocked him back to life. He is lucky you were still willing to entertain him at this point.

I think I am here at this point. I'm tired of being dead last in my husband's list of priorities. He is selfish, lazy, and lives life for only his benefit. His presence sickens me. I'm tired of his big fat self climbing on me for sex. I feel like I'm bring raped or violated.
He treats our home like a hotel. He comes home at bed time EVERY day. I told him again that I want a divorce. I can't afford it right now because I am paying all the bills myself....he is just that selfish. I will sell pawn, borrow...
Only His himself can restore this mess. I'm willing but that man is not. *** him is the way I feel. I know me, once I get to the point when I truly dont care whether you love or die; whether you have food to eat or not; whether you have somewhere to live or whether you are screwing someone else or not


...... Yeah I know that doesn't sound christ like, but it is how I feel. My salvation is in tact. I'm human too.
I want out. I can be lonely by myself. He needs a mommy to straighten him out and I'm not that. I have four kids, work full time, and am about to start school again to get another BA or a Masters......

He is a big chap in a man body

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Sent from somewhere over the rainbow