To Divorce or Not to Divorce - 4 kids, 17 year marriage

[Christina Dior]

If someone wants to stay with a husband( playing like they want to be married) for the sake of their kids and they clearly arent in love than its cool BUT NOT ME hell no. Taint no way.

 

[Ladybelle]

I guess we all bring different life experiences to the table. I grew up with both parents in a somewhat dysfunctional situation and I wish my mother had left- as much as I love my dad (he was an awesome father, bad husband). I don't see how it benefited us more to have both parents in the home when there was dysfunction.

Maybe I'm just selfish, but I know I couldn't live like that. It isn't about just sex either, it's the fact that there really is no relationship between the husband & wife. What's that all about? I can't say I would never do it because I've learned to not say what I would never do, but I think it would be so hard to live like that. How does one learn to function living like that? And, how does it really benefit the children? Would the money be that drastically impacted if they went their separate ways?

I don't know, I just don't. There really is no reason to leave- there's no adultery, no abuse- so maybe they are doing the right thing. I don't know. *** shrugs**

 

[CocoBunny]

There is love for the children. How is that wasted?

Women stay for for selfish reasons, why not stay for a selfless reason?

Because thanks was not enough

 

[kamille8]

There is love for the children. How is that wasted?

Women stay for for selfish reasons, why not stay for a selfless reason?

It's wasting because you can't live your life just for your kids. You need companionship, sex, ADULT conversation,a secure happy home life that's real and authentic. It's selfless but sad and foolish IMO. I respect the choice but let's not pretend everything is all honky-dory in a loveless marriage based soley on the kids. Couldn't be me but to each its own....

 

[barbiesocialite]

I guess we all bring different life experiences to the table. I grew up with both parents in a somewhat dysfunctional situation and I wish my mother had left- as much as I love my dad (he was an awesome father, bad husband). I don't see how it benefited us more to have both parents in the home when there was dysfunction.

Maybe I'm just selfish, but I know I couldn't live like that. It isn't about just sex either, it's the fact that there really is no relationship between the husband & wife. What's that all about? I can't say I would never do it because I've learned to not say what I would never do, but I think it would be so hard to live like that. How does one learn to function living like that? And, how does it really benefit the children? Would the money be that drastically impacted if they went their separate ways?

I don't know, I just don't. There really is no reason to leave- there's no adultery, no abuse- so maybe they are doing the right thing. I don't know. *** shrugs**

OT: Ladybelle, I find your experiences very interesting because when discussing your current situation you sound almost IDENTICAL to my mom...
I still stand by my opinions of marriage & divorce, but you have given me a few things to ponder on. I wish you well and much happiness

 

[choctaw]

It truely is in most cases. Several month ago a house caught a fire and a woman's young children were inside. She ran in several times to get her kids with flesh falling off her everytime she would come out the house. She went back in time after time to get her babies. The babies died and that woman is still, to this day at a burn center in Alabama. Even in all that pain she was thinking about and concerned for her children.

I don't know why that situation came to mind.

Some women's first thought is about their children upon waking and their children are their last thought before they fall asleep.

 

[crlsweetie912]

As a child that grew up in a situation VERY similar to yours Ladybelle. It's kind of naive to think that the children don't know what's going on in their parent's marriage...I wish my mom had left too. And when she did leave, it was HELLA ugly, cause after all those years, he felt like "she was his" and shouldn't be with anyone else..SMH....

 

[Ladybelle]

As a child that grew up in a situation VERY similar to yours Ladybelle. It's kind of naive to think that the children don't know what's going on in their parent's marriage...I wish my mom had left too. And when she did leave, it was HELLA ugly, cause after all those years, he felt like "she was his" and shouldn't be with anyone else..SMH....

ITA. I knew, children know - even if they cannot verbalize it.But to hear from children of divorce, it seems leaving can wreak havoc on children just as much as staying in a dysfunctional situation & I think each situation has to be addressed on it's own merits.

 

[Farida]

My parents waited until I was grown and it still devistated me. And still does till this day.

Sent from my Droid using Long Hair Care Forum App

Sorry to hear that. It may have devastated you, divorce always will. At least you didn't have to deal with constantly being shuffled from home to home and all sorts of other men and women your parents may have dated at the time.

there is never a right time to divorce. I think if you do it while the kids are still home, or even after they moved out, they would still be divorced.

Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I think allowing them to view a loveless marriage sets them up for disaster with future relationships. Kids need to see their parents affectionate! That is how they learn how to show affection to their mates when they are older.

I think most of us who advocate for staying only believe so where the parents can live and respect each other. No angry, hateful, spiteful, cold, loveless situations.

I don't see anything wrong with why she's staying. She's doing what she feels is right for her and her kids. Her husband does sound like a jerk.

Now I would stay with my husband in a loveless marriage, as long as there is no cheating until the kids are grown. I want them to have both their parents in the home until they move out. During that time, I'll be trying to figure out how to get my husband fixed. Because I don't want any other kids coming into this world ,through him, once we divorce.

Sometimes when you work together towards a goal - raising kids or other, you end up getting closer. Some people go through periods where they hate their spouses. Dlewis has talked about it and she got through it and seems happy and has a great family.

Even where the couple cannot repair their relationship, I read a report about 2 or 3 years ago that talked about how kids STILL do better where they are raised by parents in an unhappy yet low-conflict marriage versus amicable divorces. I cannot find the original article but here are some that discuss the issue:

http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/family/85550447.html

I don't know how true this is because I have no personal experience. I did know many families where the parents only got married because she was knocked up and you did not see romance in their interactions but they were happy living together. It is also seen in some place where there are arranged marriages etc. Sometimes people still know how to maintain their roles absent the romantic love.

Every case is different, but IMO where parents can be civil and live well together they should.

 

[jillybean2012]

I recently learned of a situation that made me wonder how many women "stay for the kids" when they want a divorce.

Someone that I know has been married for 17 years and has 4 kids with her husband. The kids are 16, 14, 12 and 10. Both parents work full-time and the kids are very active in sports and school activities as well as being active in the community. They have a beautiful 5 bedroom home and a very nice lifestyle.

I always thought the husband was a jerk, just based on the way he acts when I'm there or on the phone. He treats his wife like Cinderella while he sits on his butt most of the time and does not help much around the house or with the kids or the family dog. She does literally everything around the house except maybe clean the pool. This was all confirmed recently in addition to the admission that they have not had sex in 5 years. They live as roommates and the 10 year old sometimes still sleeps with them. I knew something was wrong but I never thought it was that bad.

They know that their kids lifestyle will drastically change if they divorce so they are staying together until the kids are all grown, at least 8 more years. Neither spouse is dating anyone or actively trying to leave the marriage.

Are you or do you know women who are making such a sacrifice? Care to share why?

My fiance's parents did. It was a terrible mistake. Him and his brother grew up seeing violence, nasty arguments etc. It affected them for the worse. His brother's marriage is in the process of breaking up. He treats his wife just like their dad treated their mom.
Their mother finally left their father after 40 years. I think things would have been different for them if she would have left with her kids when they were small. Now as far as my relationship goes, we have rocky moments but he know there are things I will not abide by.

It is much better for the kids to have to separate households where both parents are happy than to be in one household pretending to be happy. The kids know you are miserable and you are making them miserable.