I wonder if he can go to night school and watch the kids during the day. I'm just asking, I KNOW carecare is expensive.
Would you divorce your husband...
- Thread starter natumer
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I wonder if he can go to night school and watch the kids during the day. I'm just asking, I KNOW carecare is expensive.
Actually he has done that in the past...before we got married, I was a little apprehensive about getting married so young and neither of us having finished school and he told me that he would do ANYTHING to take care of his family...THAT WAS NOT TRUE.
I guess I did not make him feel needed...I guess I just don't know how to do that.
I wonder if he can go to night school and watch the kids during the day. I'm just asking, I KNOW carecare is expensive.
You know it took him so long to finally go to school that I would not want to mess with it. However, he could also work at night (which he's also done in the past).
I don't think any of this is your fault. I do think men like to feel need.
We have a thread on stroking a man ego somewhere around here. Im one that believes that helps.
JustKiya
Well-Known Member
He wants to be a doctor, eh? Interesting that he picked one of the fields with the longest schooling requirements. How does he plan on paying for med school?
As far as making him feel needed - can you make a list of how you need him? And ask him to make a list of how he needs you, and share those lists and talk about them. I'd also suggest making a list of all of the things that you do, and seeing which ones you can give - totally - to him.
That way, you have have new things that you 'need' from him. As you ask him "Baby, I need you to do this for me......" point out the high points of detail of things that must be done in a certain way (and really think about whether they HAVE to be done that way, or if that is just how you like to do it/like it done) and then leave him be to do it - after getting his agreement that he will and a timeframe. Once it's done - thank him at least twice for doing it, before you point out anythings that you might like differently.
Interesting that he picked one of the fields with the longest schooling requirements. How does he plan on paying for med school? As far as making him feel needed - can you make a list of how you need him? And ask him to make a list of how he needs you, and share those lists and talk about them. I'd also suggest making a list of all of the things that you do, and seeing which ones you can give - totally - to him.
That way, you have have new things that you 'need' from him. As you ask him "Baby, I need you to do this for me......" point out the high points of detail of things that must be done in a certain way (and really think about whether they HAVE to be done that way, or if that is just how you like to do it/like it done) and then leave him be to do it - after getting his agreement that he will and a timeframe. Once it's done - thank him at least twice for doing it, before you point out anythings that you might like differently.
glam-
Well-Known Member
Hold up..lemme git dis right.....but FIRST, i GOTTA light a newport for dis hea bullshyt cuz somebody got da game phucked up.....
*lights up a newport one hunnit n takes a sip of Henny straight to da head....*
It's real simple. Put him da PHUCK out. HE got da game all twisted chile...das it n das all. Imma tell u right now...he will be in school til its time for him to collect social security chile..... He knows what he's doin and he's got it too good. Bottom Line - HE'S PLAYIN YOU!!!!! You prolly buy all his clothes (u said he don't buy new clotheserplexed), keep his hair cut, da whole nine. I don't care if he is ur husband, da hell kinda man is dat to let his woman carry da kids for 9 months, give birth to them, go to work, take care of kids, house and HIM??????? Nawww son. Put him out or you'll stress urself straight to da grave.
The reason why he gets away with it is because YOU let him and he knows this. He knows you want the marriage so he's playin on it. I'm not saying divorce him, but YOU need to let him FEEL it rather than you telling him. He needs to FEEL the hardship. You can do bad all by yourself like you doin now. Drop the extra weight....i'm wif Zee's Ole Lady on dis one hea...She's tellin u the truth. It's only gonna get worse. Hell, if yall rentin, then I'd say move out while he at school so he can fend for himself. Otherwise, he'd hafta go. what kinda 'zample is he settin for the children, specially if you have a boy?
OP, your situation is complicated. I'm not married so I don't know what to tell you. I know I personally would have a real hard time dealing with that, and, like you, it would make me lose a lot of respect for him.
I just want to piggyback off the bolded statement- I see you have 3 girls, but Jersey's statement is still a legitimate one. Is that the example of a man that you want your daughters to have when they go out looking for mates? If you had an adult daughter in this situation what do you think you would tell her?
*My sister is in a similar situation, except now that he's working he still feels little or no responsibility for contributing to the household. She looks worn out, sad and frustrated everytime I see her, and her kids are suffering for it. She's only been in this situation for a little more than a year, but I can definitely see how a woman could work herself into an early grave supporting some kids and an adult male.
He wants to be a doctor, eh?
As far as making him feel needed - can you make a list of how you need him? And ask him to make a list of how he needs you, and share those lists and talk about them. I'd also suggest making a list of all of the things that you do, and seeing which ones you can give - totally - to him.
That way, you have have new things that you 'need' from him. As you ask him "Baby, I need you to do this for me......" point out the high points of detail of things that must be done in a certain way (and really think about whether they HAVE to be done that way, or if that is just how you like to do it/like it done) and then leave him be to do it - after getting his agreement that he will and a timeframe. Once it's done - thank him at least twice for doing it, before you point out anythings that you might like differently.
Yea, maybe he can go to be a CNA, then LPN, then RN, then nurse pract, then maybe doc. At least he'll have some type of degree.
He wants to be a doctor, eh?
As far as making him feel needed - can you make a list of how you need him? And ask him to make a list of how he needs you, and share those lists and talk about them. I'd also suggest making a list of all of the things that you do, and seeing which ones you can give - totally - to him.
That way, you have have new things that you 'need' from him. As you ask him "Baby, I need you to do this for me......" point out the high points of detail of things that must be done in a certain way (and really think about whether they HAVE to be done that way, or if that is just how you like to do it/like it done) and then leave him be to do it - after getting his agreement that he will and a timeframe. Once it's done - thank him at least twice for doing it, before you point out anythings that you might like differently.
Thanks justkiya..I laughed a little bit about him picking one of the longest field...I know what you mean...
I do like your advice on making him feel needed, I will try that. Thank you for being so detailed.
I truly think this situation is costing me years from my life.
You know that's a really good idea, I need to suggest it to him...you know the way he doesn't feel like he's being told .
glam-
Well-Known Member
I know. 
I understand wanting to make the marriage work, too- but there has to be balance, and if a relationship is taking years off your life, I just don't know.
erplexed
JustKiya
Well-Known Member
Stress will do that to you.
Oh! Along with the above - ask him what things he would want you to NEED from him - he might have something little that he would like to do, but he feels that you would feel somekinda way about him taking over.
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
OP I don't have much to add (but you ladies are sooo informative)
My dad told me recently that my cousin put her husband out b/c he wasn't working. She's a teacher and he did something physical, he doesn't have a degree. I don't know if the job loss was related to the recession, but from what my dad mentioned, he wasn't too motivated to go looking for work and so she put him out. And it was a lot less than 10 years. They have one young son.
He's in school and that's a good thing, but I second whoever mentioned him looking for a program that gives him a skill. And I def second counseling. If anything, maybe it will help you find a way to better express your emotions and evaluate his state of mind, so you can make the best decision for you and your children. And that should be your real focus. He's an adult, IMO it's up to him to decide whether he's going to step up tothe plate and be the man for his family.
My dad told me recently that my cousin put her husband out b/c he wasn't working. She's a teacher and he did something physical, he doesn't have a degree. I don't know if the job loss was related to the recession, but from what my dad mentioned, he wasn't too motivated to go looking for work and so she put him out. And it was a lot less than 10 years. They have one young son.
He's in school and that's a good thing, but I second whoever mentioned him looking for a program that gives him a skill. And I def second counseling. If anything, maybe it will help you find a way to better express your emotions and evaluate his state of mind, so you can make the best decision for you and your children. And that should be your real focus. He's an adult, IMO it's up to him to decide whether he's going to step up tothe plate and be the man for his family.
michelle81
Well-Known Member
It's hard to say, but I know for sure the one thing I'd tell him I wasn't okay with was medical school.
Tell him that you need help NOW, not in 8-12 years. Your kids will be teens/adults by then. When is he planning on actually helping you financially take care of the kids?
I'd strongly suggest that he pick a 1-2 year program (surg. tech, radiology, lpn, resp.) at the community college and put all of his energy into it.
If he insisted on only getting his M.D. or if he started a program at the comm. college and you felt he was slacking or not giving it his all, then I'd have to pray and leave the marriage.
((((Hugs)))), and good luck.
Tell him that you need help NOW, not in 8-12 years. Your kids will be teens/adults by then. When is he planning on actually helping you financially take care of the kids?
I'd strongly suggest that he pick a 1-2 year program (surg. tech, radiology, lpn, resp.) at the community college and put all of his energy into it.
If he insisted on only getting his M.D. or if he started a program at the comm. college and you felt he was slacking or not giving it his all, then I'd have to pray and leave the marriage.
((((Hugs)))), and good luck.
Lady Esquire
New Member
Truthfully I think he is angry at me on some level, and that might be his destructive way of dealing with somethings I've done. We have both made mistakes and caused each other hurt...we've talked through them and suppose to put them behind us. But truly I think that he must be angry with me on some level (maybe even subconsciously) and that is why he is depressed, uninspired and unmotivated. I just can't believe that a truly happy person would have no drive and be ok with this situation.
My heart jumped when I read your quote.
Something has got to give and soon. Your daughters need you and you need to have peace of mind. I see myself in your post. While my situation was different, I am guilty of being long suffering and overly patient to the point that I have enabled others to take advantage of me and not carry their load. This led to them not respecting me and also resenting me. (Now this I could not understand - why would they resent me when I did so much for them? Maybe they thought I was a doormat?) But anyway, they didn't care how much weight was on my shoulders as long as I could carry it. I pray this doesn't happen to you.
Also this is not just about you and him. Please consider what this is teaching your girls. And are you able to be the best mother you can be in this situation?
Even if he's angry, he has no right to punish the whole family in this way. And it's interesting that he doesn't want to go to counseling to work this through. I think he knows a competent therapist would see right through him and he doesn't want to face the music. His anger is no excuse for taking advantage of you and placing so much responsibility on your shoulders. If he is angry, I think that a smoke screen for his insecurities. To be so angry that you don't work for ten years doesn't make sense.
Surely his parents are aware of the situation. They don't say anything to him? If my son had a family to support and was laying around, not pulling his weight, you best believe I would say something. Sounds like he's surrounded by enablers. Does anybody hold him accountable?
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shawniegee
New Cut for '09
I can't really say because I wouldn't marry a man without a steady job. If he's stable then loses his job then maybe. But usually men who aren't stable financial aren't mentally stable either, so what's the point.
Princess4real
Well-Known Member
*lights up a newport one hunnit n takes a sip of Henny straight to da head....*
It's real simple. Put him da PHUCK out. HE got da game all twisted chile...das it n das all. Imma tell u right now...he will be in school til its time for him to collect social security chile..... He knows what he's doin and he's got it too good. Bottom Line - HE'S PLAYIN YOU!!!!! You prolly buy all his clothes (u said he don't buy new clothes
The reason why he gets away with it is because YOU let him and he knows this. He knows you want the marriage so he's playin on it. I'm not saying divorce him, but YOU need to let him FEEL it rather than you telling him. He needs to FEEL the hardship. You can do bad all by yourself like you doin now. Drop the extra weight....i'm wif Zee's Ole Lady on dis one hea...She's tellin u the truth. It's only gonna get worse. Hell, if yall rentin, then I'd say move out while he at school so he can fend for himself. Otherwise, he'd hafta go. what kinda 'zample is he settin for the children, specially if you have a boy?
Gurrrrl, you are crazy! LMAO
Lady Esquire
New Member
I can't see myself marrying a man who didn't have a strong work ethic. And if for some reason, DH lost his work ethic - oh, there would be drama. And if it wasn't related to an illness - and I consider depression an illness - I'd really have to struggle with staying on.
I couldn't stay married to a bum who didn't do nothing but sit on his tookus and watch TV, though.
DH changed careers and we had our transitioning periods. But his ambition and willingness to hold on interim jobs, while he pursued his career always made me WANT to be his cheerleader. In fact, I am still cheering him along because he is intensly focused on climbing his way. For that, I will be his ride or die. He supported me and I do the same. I know some women who probably would not have made certain sacrifices I made, but to me, I was okay because he was never too proud to hold down ANY job, while he chased his dream. And to me, that's what's up.
Yeah -- but she's on point!!
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
First off, can I just commend you on your honesty and openness? This can't be an easy thing to not only talk about, but also to hear others thoughts, comments, and advice. Kudos to you!
Second, I don't know your relationship history, but whenever I see women blaming themselves for some trifling behavior on the part of their men I am like
Unless there is some huge, transgression you've made in the relationship I wouldn't assume this is your fault in any way. Please don't blame yourself for his indecisiveness, depression, lack of ambition, or whatever is ailing him. He needs to take responsibility for his own emotions and behavior. The more I hear you, the more I think some counseling will help you and him get clarity on what is really going on. Until you hear from his mouth what his genuine feelings, concerns, fears are everything else is speculation and speculation is dangerous. Plus counseling will make it clear whether the marriage is salvagable or you need to go your own way.
JayAnn0513
I make 30 look good!
That man resents you as much as you resent him. His not working is a self distructive way of getting back at you. Since he already refuses counseling, that limits your options. I say put him out and he can come back when he has a job and is ready to be a man.
Blaque*Angel
Well-Known Member
you ladies have given OP great advice! 
I Hope something works out.
I Hope something works out.
AnKelly
New Member
No matter the criminal record, no matter what, I have cousins and family members who have got in trouble, have had more than one felony and still felt the need to get out there and get legal legitimate jobs to take care of their wife and kids. The longest it took any one of them was 4 years tops to get his ish together. That's why I'm divorcing my husband. I'm 27 years old with a 2 year old son, and life is too short and too valuable to waste my youth on a lazy unmotivated man. He chooses not to keep jobs either by being late or just quitting them because he doesn't want to work on the weekends. We hit the four year mark seven months ago. It's time for me to bounce. Love doesn't pay for bills and diapers. If the man is not ill, then he needs to go. My father gave me this advice. He always had two jobs just in case one laid him off. It's called extra security. He doesn't value you if he won't do the bare essentials to keep you "not rich" but at least "comfortable. DIVORCE HIM. Trust me, the little bit of feelings you have left for him will fade and you will find another good man that will give you peace of mind. It's stressful trying to do everything on your own. My father is old fashioned and says that marriage is a partnership where a woman should have a job if she wants to and not because she "NEEDS" too. He feels that child bearing, child rearing, cooking, and cleaning is already a whole lot on top of WORKING a 9 to 5 is more work than any man could ever fulfill. If my great aunt at 69 years old can find another husband after her divorce, I know you and I can. LEAVE HIM!
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BillsBackerz67
Well-Known Member
Medical school? Thats another 8-10 years of possibly little to no income I feel for you OP.
ETA:
what dlewis and Justkiya suggested are great alternatives if he's truly passionate about the medical field in general. Im all for following dreams but medical school is best AND most realistic for someone who doesnt have a family to support considering the time and length of the program. If he's interested in something like anesthesiology he can go to nursing school to get his BSN and then do an additional 2-3 years of graduate nursing school to become a CRNA (nurse anesthetist). They basically do the same duties as an anesthesiologist but earn less (most make about $150K) and the schooling is less. The time frame altogether is about 7-10 years depending on how much work experience as an RN that the school requires before applying to the CRNA program. In between nursing and graduate school, he'll still be making a very good salary with just a BSN even if he decides not to get a graduate nursing degree. In CRNA school they suggest that you dont work BUT he can stack and save his money while working as an RN to help keep you afloat while he is in school full time. Just throwing an alternative out there.
I feel for you OP.ETA:
what dlewis and Justkiya suggested are great alternatives if he's truly passionate about the medical field in general. Im all for following dreams but medical school is best AND most realistic for someone who doesnt have a family to support considering the time and length of the program. If he's interested in something like anesthesiology he can go to nursing school to get his BSN and then do an additional 2-3 years of graduate nursing school to become a CRNA (nurse anesthetist). They basically do the same duties as an anesthesiologist but earn less (most make about $150K) and the schooling is less. The time frame altogether is about 7-10 years depending on how much work experience as an RN that the school requires before applying to the CRNA program. In between nursing and graduate school, he'll still be making a very good salary with just a BSN even if he decides not to get a graduate nursing degree. In CRNA school they suggest that you dont work BUT he can stack and save his money while working as an RN to help keep you afloat while he is in school full time. Just throwing an alternative out there.
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This is what I was thinking.
Man this is rough b/c I hate to tell a person to divorce their spouse. It seems that they married young and OP grew and dh did not. I also gather her DH is insecure and as a fellow perfectionist--I actually understand the issue of not taking on something unless you know you will succeed, I used to struggle with that.
I also though suffered through a terrible time when my dh was out of work, it was a little over a year and it only got better when I started to uplift him. I know OP said 10 years, I'm trying to wrap my mind around that really
When I attacked dh or told him about me feeling resentful it made him retreat and I think it made him feel less inclined to even listen to what I was saying. I continued to come at him the wrong way, if we argued about milk, it always ended with "I'm paying all the bills" I got my mind together and got in WE mode though and things dramatically improved. I know some men take a little longer to get it together, is this perhaps his issue? He hasnt found his niche? IT doesn't sound like he's a deadbeat. I guess I need more info about the 10 years,when you mean steady job--how many jobs has he had in 10 years and how long has his longest stretch of unemployment been?
Prudent1
Well-Known Member
Tell him that you need help NOW, not in 8-12 years. Your kids will be teens/adults by then. When is he planning on actually helping you financially take care of the kids?
I'd strongly suggest that he pick a 1-2 year program (surg. tech, radiology, lpn, resp.) at the community college and put all of his energy into it.
At least this way he can bring in some type of income and continue to work towards his medical degree- if he's serious about it. He needs to show you his intentions.
Does anybody hold him accountable? Excellent question.
I would like to add if he will not go to counseling you still should.
Yes, there are times and situations where even as a couple one person has to go alone to start the healing process. You (like everyone else of the human race
) could benefit from good counsel personally. Do your homework when selecting counsel. A lot of couselors have messed up personal relationships and are telling you what's on page 993 not some real applicable stuff- you know? I hope things work out for you and your family. I'm not saying divorce him but actions always speak louder than words. If you want to know how another person feels watch them... Your girls need both of you to be whole parents.
I'd strongly suggest that he pick a 1-2 year program (surg. tech, radiology, lpn, resp.) at the community college and put all of his energy into it.
At least this way he can bring in some type of income and continue to work towards his medical degree- if he's serious about it. He needs to show you his intentions.Does anybody hold him accountable? Excellent question.
I would like to add if he will not go to counseling you still should.
Yes, there are times and situations where even as a couple one person has to go alone to start the healing process. You (like everyone else of the human race) could benefit from good counsel personally. Do your homework when selecting counsel. A lot of couselors have messed up personal relationships and are telling you what's on page 993 not some real applicable stuff- you know? I hope things work out for you and your family. I'm not saying divorce him but actions always speak louder than words. If you want to know how another person feels watch them... Your girls need both of you to be whole parents.That's kind of what I'm thinking.
OP it seems like you've gone to school and HE perhaps supported you emotionally and ocasssionally financially and with the kids? Is that right? And over the years after you finished school, he became used to you being the care taker. IF so does he perhaps think this is HIS "time" to finish school? I do think that he can't get a decent job that can support a family of five without a degree? What is his timeline to graduate?
I would at the very least seperate and let him stay with his parents and explain to him that you are extremely unhappy with this situation. Not arguing with him in an emotional shrill way but reallly laying out your issues, your resentment and that you don't' want TO NOT respect him as a man. Men value respect as a man which is why I'm concerned he may be deeply depressed or feels like a complete failure to you. Men have very fragile egos, I have to wonder how he even feels as a man and I doubt he's sharing how he really feels with you. Most men set their value as a man by being providers.
I'm all for NOT dating or marrying bummish men but I'm also of the thought that once you GET married, you committ to the committment of marriage, beyond the two of you. I would ask him to move out and you all seek counseling. If he wants his family, he's gonna have to earn it, literally and figuratively.
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